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1
00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:09,327
Look at me.
2
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,530
If you ever feel like you
aren't good enough
3
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,770
because you don't meet
society's standards of beauty,
4
00:00:14,833 --> 00:00:16,303
well, this one's
for you.
5
00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:19,967
* You are gorgeous
no matter what you do *
6
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:24,233
* You are perfect
no matter how you act *
7
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:28,070
* Where my glamorous
girls at? *
8
00:00:28,133 --> 00:00:32,673
* You better
accept the fact... *
9
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,233
* You're beautiful *
10
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,230
Next up, we've
got Amber.
11
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,230
**
12
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:17,167
Keep your chins held high and
your empathy nonexistent.
13
00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:18,573
You do you, girl.
14
00:01:18,633 --> 00:01:21,073
And, if you want,
I'mma do you, too.
15
00:01:22,433 --> 00:01:25,203
**
16
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:52,067
* You are gorgeous
no matter what you do *
17
00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:56,373
* You are perfect no matter
how you act *
18
00:02:56,433 --> 00:03:00,203
* Where are my
glamorous girls at? *
19
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,567
* You better accept
the fact... *
20
00:03:02,633 --> 00:03:05,133
(screaming)
21
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,500
* You're beautiful **
22
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,267
**
23
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:18,267
**
24
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:22,333
(man)
Perfect matches is filmed
before a live studio audience.
25
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,370
(newscaster) Tonight on the 7:15
news, is your husband cheating
on you
26
00:03:25,433 --> 00:03:26,533
with a hotter woman?
27
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,700
Wait, what?
28
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:29,767
(laughing)
29
00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:31,333
(cheering and applause)
30
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,930
Are you cheating
on me?
31
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,527
(laughing)
Shhh.
32
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,070
The Girl
Scouts are comin'.
33
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:41,367
So?
So, I owe 'em $2,000.
34
00:03:41,433 --> 00:03:43,173
(laughing)
35
00:03:43,233 --> 00:03:44,633
(woman)
Hello,
anyone there?
36
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:45,670
Oh my God.
37
00:03:45,733 --> 00:03:46,633
They got in
the back door.
38
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,300
(laughing)
39
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:50,097
Here...
Hide under this.
40
00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:51,667
(laughing)
41
00:03:56,433 --> 00:03:57,833
When's lunch?
42
00:03:57,900 --> 00:03:59,270
(cheering)
43
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,530
It's just Amy.
44
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,700
I thought you were
a Girl Scout.
45
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,627
Thanks.
46
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,100
Going sailing?
47
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,467
(laughing)
48
00:04:11,533 --> 00:04:14,703
Actually, I'm about to go
take care of some business.
49
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:16,827
(laughing)
50
00:04:19,233 --> 00:04:20,773
I'm terrified.
51
00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:23,333
I think Ralphie's
cheating on me.
52
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,900
With what,
a doughnut hole?
53
00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:28,067
(slight laughter)
54
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,070
(cheering)
55
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,070
(whooping and whistling)
56
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,570
Don't you knock?
57
00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:42,073
We don't knock.
58
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,727
The postman
always rings twice.
59
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,600
(laughing)
60
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:50,497
You look
very nice, Amy.
61
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:51,597
I like your haircut.
62
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,527
(audience "ooooh"ing)
63
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,330
Aren't you just supposed
to deliver the mail
64
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,600
and not pickup lines?
65
00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:58,827
Come on.
66
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,100
When are you going
to let me take you out?
67
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,227
Huh?
68
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,400
(cheering and clapping)
69
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:06,467
Your breath's already
doing it from there.
70
00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:09,133
(a few laughs)
71
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,730
(cheering)
72
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,470
Candy!
73
00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:16,603
Hey!
(whooping)
74
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,300
Anybody see Candy?
75
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:22,497
Ralphie, every day
of his life.
76
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:25,227
Hey, uh, ease up
on the fat jokes.
77
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:26,400
That's my
scripted line.
78
00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,167
You're blowing
this.
79
00:05:28,233 --> 00:05:29,403
Hey, are
those new jeans?
80
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:30,567
I like 'em.
81
00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:31,903
Oh, yeah...
Thanks.
82
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:33,227
Is there a mirror
in your pocket,
83
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,230
because I sure can
see myself in 'em.
84
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:38,300
(one man clears throat)
85
00:05:38,367 --> 00:05:41,267
'Cause that would mean that
we would have had sex.
86
00:05:41,333 --> 00:05:42,473
(man)
We heard you.
87
00:05:42,533 --> 00:05:44,733
(Bonnie)
No one is even
listening to me.
88
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,770
I think Ralphie's
seeing someone else.
89
00:05:47,833 --> 00:05:51,333
(laughing)
90
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,500
Well, we know it's
not his feet.
91
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:55,067
(man)
No.
92
00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,227
What the fuck is
going on today?
93
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:58,800
(hooting, toilet flushing)
94
00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:03,397
Hey, everybody, I just took a
huge dump 'cause I'm so fat.
95
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:05,067
(loud laughing)
96
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,630
Ralphie, you're
not that fat.
97
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,730
For a sperm whale.
98
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,370
(groaning)
99
00:06:15,433 --> 00:06:17,073
Why?
Why?
100
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,903
No, every joke is that he's
so fat and you guys love it.
101
00:06:19,967 --> 00:06:21,797
(booing)
No, no, fuck you.
102
00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:22,827
What-- no.
103
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:24,130
This show is
not funny.
104
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,630
It's disgusting.
105
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,470
It's a horrible depiction
of an Indian man, first of all.
106
00:06:28,533 --> 00:06:29,733
When is lunch?
107
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,070
(uproarious laughter)
108
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:32,073
No.
109
00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:33,533
You're all
fucking sheep.
110
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,470
These jokes aren't
funny.
111
00:06:35,533 --> 00:06:38,203
You're just used to the
rhythms and laughing at them!
112
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,467
No!
(crowd chanting)
113
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,203
Where are you
taking me?
114
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:46,197
(cheering and clapping)
115
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:49,067
(screaming, gun fires)
116
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,367
Amy?
117
00:06:50,433 --> 00:06:51,973
You look
different.
118
00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:55,697
Yeah, you know,
I feel different.
119
00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:57,397
(laughing)
120
00:06:57,467 --> 00:06:59,697
Honey, I've
got terrible news.
121
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,067
(gasping)
Are you
cheating on me?
122
00:07:02,133 --> 00:07:04,203
No, the toilet's
broken.
123
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:06,427
(laughing)
124
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:10,530
I was so scared,
jinga-binga-boom.
125
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,800
You got nothing to
bow-wawow-wowow.
(laughing)
126
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,727
Dubba-lubba-dubba-chowm-chowm.
127
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,770
(laughing)
128
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:19,233
La-la-la-lala-la.
129
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,630
(silence)
130
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,430
Hey,
badda-boom-bop-boom.
131
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,400
(laughing)
132
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:25,767
When's lunch?
133
00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:30,073
(cheering, music playing)
134
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,730
(cheering grows louder)
135
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,070
(machine winding down)
136
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,730
**
137
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,130
What's your
favorite sitcom?
138
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,970
"Barney Miller."
Oh, that's a classic.
139
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:46,227
Are you a 109?
Almost.
140
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,900
Are there any sitcoms
that you watch now.
141
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:51,697
My favorite TV show
is "Inside Amy Schumer."
142
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:54,397
So full of shit-- You've
never watched an episode.
143
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,767
I've watched the one
I was in.
144
00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,533
Narcissist.
145
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,700
**
146
00:08:00,867 --> 00:08:03,567
**
147
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:04,633
Excuse me.
148
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:06,430
I think my internet
bill's too low.
149
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:07,730
Too low?
150
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:08,870
That's a
surprise.
151
00:08:08,933 --> 00:08:10,933
My wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
152
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:13,227
No, I meant a
surprise sale.
153
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:14,700
With the Mobile C
family plan,
154
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,567
we'll give you a surprise
discount once a year
155
00:08:16,633 --> 00:08:18,633
as a way of saying
thanks for making us
156
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,930
your 4G wireless
hotspot provider.
157
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,227
I didn't
expect that.
158
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,870
Surprise.
159
00:08:23,933 --> 00:08:24,903
(man)
Cut!
160
00:08:24,967 --> 00:08:26,127
(bell ringing)
Okay, fine.
161
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,630
Um, can we get a part
in her bangs?
162
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:29,630
Just a part
right there?
163
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:30,930
Hair?
That was fun.
164
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,197
So, wha-what is that
exactly-- a hotspot?
165
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,397
It's like wifi?
166
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:35,527
Amy, great stuff.
167
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:36,900
Really great--
so adorkable.
168
00:08:36,967 --> 00:08:38,467
So awkward...
I love it.
169
00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:39,603
Steve, who
is this guy...
170
00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:41,427
(stammering)
Who are you, Steve?
171
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,070
Uh, I think he's just,
like, a normal guy.
172
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:44,103
Yeah, that's how
you're playing it.
173
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:45,227
That's the problem,
Steve.
174
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:46,870
He's not a
normal guy, you know?
175
00:08:46,933 --> 00:08:47,873
It's not a normal day.
176
00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:49,073
It's a special day.
177
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:50,603
See, he's
meeting Amy, right?
178
00:08:50,667 --> 00:08:52,367
Mmm.
The Mobile C girl.
179
00:08:52,433 --> 00:08:54,373
Mmm.
Look at her,
she's beautiful.
180
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:59,203
How often does this guy get
to talk to a girl like this?
181
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:00,597
Right, right,
got it.
Right?
182
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,627
Okay, great.
Rolling.
183
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,800
So... because I have
wifi in my apartment.
184
00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:06,097
And action!
185
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,827
Excuse me, I think my
internet bill's too low.
186
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:09,970
Too low?
187
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,167
That's a
surprise.
188
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,503
Well, my wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
189
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:14,867
(man)
Cut!
(bell ringing)
190
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,373
What are you doing?
191
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,073
(Steve)
Wh--
You're flirting with her?
192
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:19,827
Well, you just said
she was something else.
193
00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:21,270
That take felt
really good to me.
194
00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:24,933
Amy, you are perfect, you are
an angel and I love you.
195
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,497
Can we fix
these bangs, please?
196
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,527
Does anybody here know what a
goddamn bangs part looks like?
197
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,530
Steve, can
I talk to you?
198
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,800
Yeah.
199
00:09:33,867 --> 00:09:35,067
Have you seen
these commercials, Steve?
200
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:36,130
Be honest with me.
201
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,970
Mobile C commercials?
Any of 'em.
202
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:40,067
Car commercials...
Uh, insurance--
203
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,130
cell phones,
prescription pills, whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
204
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,700
In every one,
you've got a girl, right?
205
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:44,927
A nice girl.
206
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,667
We like the girl,
the girl is the company.
207
00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,833
You can't flirt with
a company, Steve.
208
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:49,930
You can't fuck
the company.
209
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:50,927
Huh?
210
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:51,927
You don't have a shot.
211
00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,267
Okay, you just
said she's sexy.
212
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,303
Not sexy--
She's got an oxford shirt on.
213
00:09:55,367 --> 00:09:56,867
She's beautiful.
214
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:59,073
Like a picture of your mother
when she was a young woman.
215
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,467
And, you, you're
John Q. Dickhead
216
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,873
going into her store
to say hello.
217
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:05,673
And you're lucky she even
gives you the time of day,
218
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:07,603
so you want to
make it last.
219
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:08,927
You make
a little joke.
220
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,600
You share a little laugh,
but the whole time
221
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,267
you're trying to
hang onto that moment.
222
00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:14,803
That moment where you, a grown
man with no dick
223
00:10:14,867 --> 00:10:17,467
and a child's hobbies gets
to talk to the Mobile C girl
224
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,803
for a second before
you go back
225
00:10:18,867 --> 00:10:20,667
to your useless,
stupid fucking life.
226
00:10:20,733 --> 00:10:22,103
Got it.
227
00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:24,627
That's how people out
there see themselves, Steve.
228
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,530
Awkward...
Uncomfortable.
229
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,270
Can't make eye contact.
230
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:30,303
They sit at home going click,
click, click, click, click,
231
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:31,867
well, I'll guess
I'll go to the store
232
00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:35,103
and buy a mobile hotspot for the
wifi router in my porn dungeon,
233
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:36,427
because I let
my life come to this.
234
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,430
Huh?
235
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:38,530
Rolling!
236
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:39,530
Oh, so it's
a router.
237
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,170
Action!
238
00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:45,373
Excuse, I think my, uh,
internet bill is too low.
239
00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:46,633
Too low?
240
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:47,800
That's a
surprise.
241
00:10:47,867 --> 00:10:49,767
My wife says I'm
pretty unpredictable.
242
00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:51,203
(man)
Okay, we're gonna cut to
the wife here, Steve,
243
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:52,697
so can I
just see a hate her.
244
00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:55,467
Can I just see a hate
your wife's guts.
245
00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:57,603
You hate your family,
but you love Mobile C.
246
00:10:57,667 --> 00:10:58,927
You love Mobile C
247
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,870
because it's a girl
who's being nice to you.
248
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:05,203
Your family is trash, but
the phone company is a girl
249
00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:09,667
who gets you and little
shrug back to Amy perfect.
250
00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:13,103
No, I meant a surprise sale,
you silly, wonderful man.
251
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,697
Mobile C will give
you a surprise
252
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:17,567
as a way of
saying thanks.
253
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,373
(man)
That's it, Steve--
That's the spot.
254
00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:20,773
Guy on the edge.
255
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,433
Nothing
to live for.
256
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,230
He's thinking of burning
it all to the ground
257
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,270
with a rifle he bought
on the Mexican Internet
258
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:28,733
until holy shit,
this sweet woman
259
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,230
gives him
10 seconds reprieve
260
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:31,870
from his own
screaming mind.
261
00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:35,073
So maybe the reckoning can wait
for another day, huh, Steve?
262
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,870
That's who's
watching TV, Steve.
263
00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:39,773
People on
the fuckin' brink.
264
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,903
Mobile C saves the day
265
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:46,267
and awkward... keep
it fun... very cute.
266
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:49,673
Bangs are perfect
and rolling!
267
00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:52,103
It's our way
of saying thanks.
268
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,927
Didn't expect that.
269
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,367
Surprise.
270
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:57,533
What the fuck
is this?
271
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,270
**
272
00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:07,473
**
273
00:12:07,533 --> 00:12:10,603
So, the water just has
cucumber slices in it.
274
00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:12,267
I saw it at a spa
and I thought, like,
275
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:13,773
I could do that
at home.
276
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,273
(all agree)
277
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:16,373
Um, you guys...
278
00:12:16,433 --> 00:12:17,573
Yeah.
279
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:19,273
I'm so glad that
we all got pregnant
280
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,473
at the exact
same time.
281
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:21,573
(all agree)
282
00:12:21,633 --> 00:12:22,833
Isn't it a treat?
283
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,100
Oh, have you guys figured
out your birth plans?
284
00:12:24,167 --> 00:12:25,367
Oh, yeah,
for months.
285
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:26,703
All I know is that I
want a natural birth
286
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:28,867
and definitely
not a epidural.
287
00:12:28,933 --> 00:12:30,633
I mean...
Oh, my God,
of course not.
288
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:31,730
It's better
for the baby.
289
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:32,870
It is better
for the baby.
290
00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:34,173
So much better
for the baby.
291
00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,603
Yeah.
We are having
a water birth,
292
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,627
but instead of water,
we are gonna to fill
293
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,900
the tub with
gender-neutral barley.
294
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:43,197
Which is also the name of the
baby it will be better for.
295
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:45,197
(woman 2)
Oh, what
a cute name.
Little Barley.
296
00:12:45,267 --> 00:12:46,397
(woman)
You see how well
that goes together.
297
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:48,527
My midwife suggested
a sea turtle birth.
298
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,800
What is that?
299
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,597
Oh, it's when you
give birth on a beach
300
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:54,797
and you dig a small hole and
you kick sand on the baby
301
00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:57,297
and you see if it crawls into
the ocean or into your arms.
302
00:12:57,367 --> 00:12:59,567
Wow.
It's better
for the baby.
303
00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:00,903
You know what?
304
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:02,097
I would be careful,
though, with a midwife.
305
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:03,327
Even though they're not
technically doctors,
306
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,830
they still have some
medical training.
307
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,330
(woman)
It's close enough.
308
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,800
And I just don't trust Western
medicine at this point.
309
00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:09,167
That's why I'm
having my baby
310
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:11,303
on the highest
mountain top in Tibet
311
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:14,097
as far from real medical help
as is humanly possible.
312
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:15,297
Oh yeah.
So smart.
313
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,097
My doula's
a Sherpa.
Oh.
314
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:21,697
My doula is a three-month-old
baby, so she, like, gets it.
315
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,197
Oh, hey, but right
when the baby's crowning,
316
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,797
we're gonna take a bunch
of rose petals
317
00:13:25,867 --> 00:13:27,967
and shove them up my
pussy so when she's born
318
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:31,367
it looks just like that
scene from American Beauty.
319
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:33,133
Which is better
for the baby.
320
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,300
(gasps)
321
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:35,727
My plan, when
the baby's half out,
322
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,200
is to just put it in a heroin
balloon and just, like,
323
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:39,767
mule it to Tijuana
so it's bilingual.
324
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:42,173
Que hora
es son bebé.
325
00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:43,873
That means better
for the baby.
326
00:13:43,933 --> 00:13:45,173
(Woman)
Wow.
So beautiful.
327
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,673
Well, I hope you all plan
on eating the placenta.
328
00:13:47,733 --> 00:13:48,873
Of course.
329
00:13:48,933 --> 00:13:50,673
Nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom.
330
00:13:50,733 --> 00:13:52,103
Yum.
Every drop.
331
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,667
Except for the part that
you bury in the front yard.
332
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,503
(Woman 2)
It's so full
of nutrients.
333
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:57,767
I'm just
juicing it.
334
00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:58,803
It's better for
the mother.
335
00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,397
(gasps)
336
00:14:00,467 --> 00:14:01,397
Oh no.
337
00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:02,767
And the baby.
338
00:14:02,833 --> 00:14:05,903
Oh my God, you guys, I
don't care about myself.
339
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:08,067
Oh my God, I don't care if
I die during childbirth.
340
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,427
I hope I die
during childbirth.
341
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,700
That's how I feel.
342
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,167
A mother haunting
their baby
343
00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:13,873
is the best thing
for the baby.
344
00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:15,603
Yes.
I don't care
if my baby
345
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,597
splits my
body in two,
346
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,067
if my vagina doesn't look
347
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:22,173
like the inside of a shark
mouth when Benoit is born,
348
00:14:22,233 --> 00:14:24,773
I'm just gonna feel,
like, cheated.
349
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,573
If I still have
two decipherable holes
350
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,073
after this is all
said and done,
351
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,873
I'm gonna be
pretty pissed.
352
00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:31,903
Oh, my God, so mad.
(woman)
Oh, my God,
shove it back in.
353
00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:33,667
Two holes.
354
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:35,433
(sighs)
355
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,430
So, Mena, what's
your birth plan?
356
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,070
I don't know.
357
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:40,673
When I go into labor
I think I'm just
358
00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:44,073
gonna go to the hospital
and do what the doctor says.
359
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,727
**
360
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,870
(burbling)
361
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:51,297
(groaning)
362
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,530
(splashing)
363
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,200
(screaming)
364
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:58,930
(screaming)
365
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:04,633
(yowling)
366
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:09,470
Mmm, cake pops.
367
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:14,227
**
368
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,130
What's the worst hotel you've
ever stayed at on the road?
369
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,570
I stayed in Howard Johnson's
in Virginia Beach and, uh,
370
00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,403
it was under
construction at the time.
371
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:22,497
What about you?
372
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:25,167
I'd say Red Roof Inn
Youngstown, Ohio.
373
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:27,503
There was pubes
all over the tub.
374
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:29,127
That's just your
hair, Mark.
How do you know it was pubes?
375
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,300
You could tell
it was pubes
376
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:31,297
because they
were short and curly.
377
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:32,497
Well...
378
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:33,897
Well, I got pubes
up here, but...
379
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,497
Mark just, like, knew in his
heart that they were pubes.
380
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:36,497
Yes.
381
00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:38,497
**
382
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,897
(music playing)
383
00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:50,967
Hello, welcome to the
Raddiston Inn in Canton, Ohio.
384
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:55,127
Nestled in the heart of
exit 107A off Interstate 77.
385
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,470
The Raddiston Inn of Canton is
the perfect home away from home
386
00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:01,733
for the length of you business
trip, road trip, pit stop
387
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,200
or domestic
squabble/dispute.
388
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,897
Our business center is
located on the first floor,
389
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,297
by the front desk,
off of the lobby.
390
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:11,827
Equipped with two
Compaq Presario computers
391
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,500
and a disconnected printer.
392
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:16,967
Our business center is perfect
for checking emails, weather,
393
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:19,527
and also emails.
394
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,330
We start serving free
continental breakfast at 7:30
395
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,800
in the hotel lobby.
396
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:25,527
Try our soggy bread.
397
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,670
There's a
French toast sign on it.
398
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:29,473
Breakfast ends promptly
at 8:00 am.
399
00:16:29,533 --> 00:16:31,103
No exceptions.
400
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:34,497
After 8:00 am we will leave
out sad packets of butter,
401
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:36,067
peanut butter,
402
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:38,127
butter,
and jelly.
403
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,170
All day.
404
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,203
Our fitness center is
located on the fourth floor
405
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:44,497
and is accessible with
your room key.
406
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,397
Which doesn't matter,
because you'll never go.
407
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:48,467
We used to have a poo--
408
00:16:48,533 --> 00:16:51,073
(TV audio mutes)
409
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:52,400
Marybeth?
410
00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:53,497
Hey, listen.
411
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:54,697
Can we just-can
we just talk?
412
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:57,527
Can I-can I-can
I just talk to you?
413
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,300
God dammit!
414
00:17:01,833 --> 00:17:03,203
--zing predators.
415
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,127
Small children and
dogs are not allowed
416
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,130
in the exotic bird room
for their own safety.
417
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:14,867
Rent out our ballroom.
418
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:17,773
I'm trapped
in your television.
419
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:19,633
Check out is 11:00 am.
420
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,600
They're serious
about that.
421
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:24,127
I overslept and now I'm
stuck in this waking nightmare
422
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,470
until someone else
misses the cutoff.
423
00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:27,873
I shouldn't warn you,
424
00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,333
but I wouldn't wish
this hell on anyone.
425
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:30,600
I guess--
426
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:31,767
Adult entertainment
is available
427
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,433
by ordering
on your TV.
428
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,070
We have porn.
429
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:36,630
So much porn.
430
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,130
But it's not
the kind you like.
431
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,270
And there's too much
story and makeup.
432
00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:43,373
No money shots and
you can't fast forward.
433
00:17:43,433 --> 00:17:45,533
We're all so alone
in this world,
434
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,930
but no one
is alone as me.
435
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,397
Please--
436
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:52,397
(horse whinnies, moaning)
437
00:17:54,133 --> 00:17:56,073
**
438
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,570
**
439
00:18:01,467 --> 00:18:04,797
So, Jon Ronson, you are the
author "The Psychopath Test."
440
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:05,827
Mmm-hmm.
441
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:07,100
Let's talk
about it.
442
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:08,927
Do you think people
overuse the word Psychopath?
443
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:09,927
Yes.
444
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,427
Does it bug you?
Yes.
445
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:14,070
Remember Robert Hare, the guy
who-who's like the king
446
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,497
of all of this stuff...
Yeah.
447
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:19,227
...said to me, when you meet a
high scoring one, it's stunning.
448
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:20,530
Why?
449
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,470
I mean, I met a Haitian
Death Squad leader
450
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:24,233
called Toto Constant.
451
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,070
I met him in prison
in upstate New York.
452
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,227
Mmm-hmm.
Fishkill?
453
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,430
Uh, Coxsackie.
454
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,870
That's not
a bad one.
455
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:33,903
All the prison guards were
calling me Harry Potter.
456
00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:35,067
Why?
457
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,097
(laughing)
458
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:38,767
So, anyway,
I went to see him.
459
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,073
What happened?
460
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,170
He just wanted to
protest his innocence,
461
00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:45,503
like he didn't kill anyone
and he started to cry
462
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:48,767
and I look at him and he
is only pretending to cry.
463
00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:49,973
Right.
464
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,727
You're like the Jane Goodall
of psychopaths.
465
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,070
Yes.
466
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,573
Are you scared that you're,
like, Grizzly Man
467
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,603
and that one of
them will kill you?
468
00:18:56,667 --> 00:18:57,967
Yes.
469
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,167
I remember an Islamic
fundamentalist called Omar Bakri
470
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:03,733
once outed me as a Jew at
his Jihad training camp
471
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,870
near Gatwick airport.
472
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,073
Oh, in the Gatwick.
473
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,570
Yeah, and
I took that--
Lines.
474
00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:09,733
(laughing)
475
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:10,930
Anything happen?
476
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,567
They all went...
(gasps)
477
00:19:12,633 --> 00:19:16,403
And I said, "Surely it's better
to be a Jew than an atheist,"
478
00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:18,867
and I heard someone go,
"No, it's not."
479
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:21,073
Um, and...
Oh, man.
480
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:23,130
That heckler
kicked your ass.
481
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,370
Are these people looking at
you to see if you like them.
482
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:26,833
No.
That's good.
483
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:28,630
I find that with
other extremists.
484
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,200
Like, I remember I was
with the Grand Wizard
485
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:31,897
of the Ku Klux Klan
one time
486
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:34,697
and when none of his
Klansmen were listening
487
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:39,067
he kinda whispered to me,
"Do you think I'm weird?"
488
00:19:39,133 --> 00:19:41,073
What?
Yeah.
489
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,097
What did you say?
490
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:43,497
Were you like,
"Dude, you're the best.
491
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:44,897
"You're the Grand
Wizard.
492
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,227
You're not just,
like, a wizard."
493
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,470
Your book has a
psychopath checklist.
494
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:52,173
Will you run me through it
and we can see if old girl
495
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,573
is a psychopath?
496
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:55,733
Glibness,
superficial charm.
Yeah.
497
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,530
Grandiose sense
of self worth.
498
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,730
No.
499
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,230
I should have that,
because I'm so great...
500
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,230
Okay.
501
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,400
Okay, so one
for two.
502
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,997
I once asked, uh,
a CEO that one.
503
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:06,527
Grandiose sense
of self worth
Yeah?
504
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,300
and we both looked up
because he was standing
505
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:11,967
underneath a giant oil
painting of himself.
506
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:14,473
He was famous for
firing people with a joke.
507
00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:17,303
Somebody said to him one time
I just bought myself a new car
508
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,997
and he said, "You
may have a new car,
509
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,497
but I'll tell you what
you don't have--
510
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,527
a job."
511
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,700
Hold on
one second.
Okay.
512
00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:24,727
Owen.
(Owen)
Mmm-hmm.
513
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,830
Uh, remind me I want to
tell you a joke later.
514
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,670
(laughing)
515
00:20:30,733 --> 00:20:32,503
So, okay,
please, yes.
516
00:20:32,567 --> 00:20:34,497
Pathological
lying.
517
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,967
Once in a blue.
518
00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:38,503
Cunning,
manipulative.
519
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:39,867
Three.
520
00:20:39,933 --> 00:20:42,803
Poor behavioral control
so you kinda lash out.
521
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:44,367
Kim?
(Kim)
Yup.
522
00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:45,473
Okay, four.
523
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:46,973
Promiscuous
sexual behavior.
524
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:48,173
No.
(Kim)
Five!
525
00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:49,803
(laughing)
526
00:20:49,867 --> 00:20:52,027
**
527
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:53,970
Oop oop.
528
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:55,833
Oop oop.
529
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:57,870
Oop oop.
530
00:20:57,933 --> 00:20:59,173
That's just
a thing I do.
531
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:04,470
(woman)
So Easy.
532
00:21:04,533 --> 00:21:05,533
(man)
Mmmm, magic.
533
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,930
Surprise.
534
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:14,427
I'm sorry, what
the fuck is this?
535
00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:19,867
(whispering)
It's like a cell phone...
536
00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:21,373
(laughing)
34580
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