Original subtitles

Look at me.

If you ever feel like you aren't good enough

because you don't meet society's standards of beauty,

well, this one's for you.

* You are gorgeous no matter what you do *

* You are perfect no matter how you act *

* Where my glamorous girls at? *

* You better accept the fact... *

* You're beautiful *

Next up, we've got Amber.

**

Keep your chins held high and your empathy nonexistent.

You do you, girl.

And, if you want, I'mma do you, too.

**

* You are gorgeous no matter what you do *

* You are perfect no matter how you act *

* Where are my glamorous girls at? *

* You better accept the fact... *

(screaming)

* You're beautiful **

**

**

(man) Perfect matches is filmed before a live studio audience.

(newscaster) Tonight on the 7:15 news, is your husband cheating on you

with a hotter woman?

Wait, what?

(laughing)

(cheering and applause)

Are you cheating on me?

(laughing) Shhh.

The Girl Scouts are comin'.

So? So, I owe 'em $2,000.

(laughing)

(woman) Hello, anyone there?

Oh my God.

They got in the back door.

(laughing)

Here... Hide under this.

(laughing)

When's lunch?

(cheering)

It's just Amy.

I thought you were a Girl Scout.

Thanks.

Going sailing?

(laughing)

Actually, I'm about to go take care of some business.

(laughing)

I'm terrified.

I think Ralphie's cheating on me.

With what, a doughnut hole?

(slight laughter)

(cheering)

(whooping and whistling)

Don't you knock?

We don't knock.

The postman always rings twice.

(laughing)

You look very nice, Amy.

I like your haircut.

(audience "ooooh"ing)

Aren't you just supposed to deliver the mail

and not pickup lines?

Come on.

When are you going to let me take you out?

Huh?

(cheering and clapping)

Your breath's already doing it from there.

(a few laughs)

(cheering)

Candy!

Hey! (whooping)

Anybody see Candy?

Ralphie, every day of his life.

Hey, uh, ease up on the fat jokes.

That's my scripted line.

You're blowing this.

Hey, are those new jeans?

I like 'em.

Oh, yeah... Thanks.

Is there a mirror in your pocket,

because I sure can see myself in 'em.

(one man clears throat)

'Cause that would mean that we would have had sex.

(man) We heard you.

(Bonnie) No one is even listening to me.

I think Ralphie's seeing someone else.

(laughing)

Well, we know it's not his feet.

(man) No.

What the fuck is going on today?

(hooting, toilet flushing)

Hey, everybody, I just took a huge dump 'cause I'm so fat.

(loud laughing)

Ralphie, you're not that fat.

For a sperm whale.

(groaning)

Why? Why?

No, every joke is that he's so fat and you guys love it.

(booing) No, no, fuck you.

What-- no.

This show is not funny.

It's disgusting.

It's a horrible depiction of an Indian man, first of all.

When is lunch?

(uproarious laughter)

No.

You're all fucking sheep.

These jokes aren't funny.

You're just used to the rhythms and laughing at them!

No! (crowd chanting)

Where are you taking me?

(cheering and clapping)

(screaming, gun fires)

Amy?

You look different.

Yeah, you know, I feel different.

(laughing)

Honey, I've got terrible news.

(gasping) Are you cheating on me?

No, the toilet's broken.

(laughing)

I was so scared, jinga-binga-boom.

You got nothing to bow-wawow-wowow. (laughing)

Dubba-lubba-dubba-chowm-chowm.

(laughing)

La-la-la-lala-la.

(silence)

Hey, badda-boom-bop-boom.

(laughing)

When's lunch?

(cheering, music playing)

(cheering grows louder)

(machine winding down)

**

What's your favorite sitcom?

"Barney Miller." Oh, that's a classic.

Are you a 109? Almost.

Are there any sitcoms that you watch now.

My favorite TV show is "Inside Amy Schumer."

So full of shit-- You've never watched an episode.

I've watched the one I was in.

Narcissist.

**

**

Excuse me.

I think my internet bill's too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.

My wife says I'm pretty unpredictable.

No, I meant a surprise sale.

With the Mobile C family plan,

we'll give you a surprise discount once a year

as a way of saying thanks for making us

your 4G wireless hotspot provider.

I didn't expect that.

Surprise.

(man) Cut!

(bell ringing) Okay, fine.

Um, can we get a part in her bangs?

Just a part right there?

Hair? That was fun.

So, wha-what is that exactly-- a hotspot?

It's like wifi?

Amy, great stuff.

Really great-- so adorkable.

So awkward... I love it.

Steve, who is this guy...

(stammering) Who are you, Steve?

Uh, I think he's just, like, a normal guy.

Yeah, that's how you're playing it.

That's the problem, Steve.

He's not a normal guy, you know?

It's not a normal day.

It's a special day.

See, he's meeting Amy, right?

Mmm. The Mobile C girl.

Mmm. Look at her, she's beautiful.

How often does this guy get to talk to a girl like this?

Right, right, got it. Right?

Okay, great. Rolling.

So... because I have wifi in my apartment.

And action!

Excuse me, I think my internet bill's too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.

Well, my wife says I'm pretty unpredictable.

(man) Cut! (bell ringing)

What are you doing?

(Steve) Wh-- You're flirting with her?

Well, you just said she was something else.

That take felt really good to me.

Amy, you are perfect, you are an angel and I love you.

Can we fix these bangs, please?

Does anybody here know what a goddamn bangs part looks like?

Steve, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

Have you seen these commercials, Steve?

Be honest with me.

Mobile C commercials? Any of 'em.

Car commercials... Uh, insurance--

cell phones, prescription pills, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

In every one, you've got a girl, right?

A nice girl.

We like the girl, the girl is the company.

You can't flirt with a company, Steve.

You can't fuck the company.

Huh?

You don't have a shot.

Okay, you just said she's sexy.

Not sexy-- She's got an oxford shirt on.

She's beautiful.

Like a picture of your mother when she was a young woman.

And, you, you're John Q. Dickhead

going into her store to say hello.

And you're lucky she even gives you the time of day,

so you want to make it last.

You make a little joke.

You share a little laugh, but the whole time

you're trying to hang onto that moment.

That moment where you, a grown man with no dick

and a child's hobbies gets to talk to the Mobile C girl

for a second before you go back

to your useless, stupid fucking life.

Got it.

That's how people out there see themselves, Steve.

Awkward... Uncomfortable.

Can't make eye contact.

They sit at home going click, click, click, click, click,

well, I'll guess I'll go to the store

and buy a mobile hotspot for the wifi router in my porn dungeon,

because I let my life come to this.

Huh?

Rolling!

Oh, so it's a router.

Action!

Excuse, I think my, uh, internet bill is too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.

My wife says I'm pretty unpredictable.

(man) Okay, we're gonna cut to the wife here, Steve,

so can I just see a hate her.

Can I just see a hate your wife's guts.

You hate your family, but you love Mobile C.

You love Mobile C

because it's a girl who's being nice to you.

Your family is trash, but the phone company is a girl

who gets you and little shrug back to Amy perfect.

No, I meant a surprise sale, you silly, wonderful man.

Mobile C will give you a surprise

as a way of saying thanks.

(man) That's it, Steve-- That's the spot.

Guy on the edge.

Nothing to live for.

He's thinking of burning it all to the ground

with a rifle he bought on the Mexican Internet

until holy shit, this sweet woman

gives him 10 seconds reprieve

from his own screaming mind.

So maybe the reckoning can wait for another day, huh, Steve?

That's who's watching TV, Steve.

People on the fuckin' brink.

Mobile C saves the day

and awkward... keep it fun... very cute.

Bangs are perfect and rolling!

It's our way of saying thanks.

Didn't expect that.

Surprise.

What the fuck is this?

**

**

So, the water just has cucumber slices in it.

I saw it at a spa and I thought, like,

I could do that at home.

(all agree)

Um, you guys...

Yeah.

I'm so glad that we all got pregnant

at the exact same time.

(all agree)

Isn't it a treat?

Oh, have you guys figured out your birth plans?

Oh, yeah, for months.

All I know is that I want a natural birth

and definitely not a epidural.

I mean... Oh, my God, of course not.

It's better for the baby.

It is better for the baby.

So much better for the baby.

Yeah. We are having a water birth,

but instead of water, we are gonna to fill

the tub with gender-neutral barley.

Which is also the name of the baby it will be better for.

(woman 2) Oh, what a cute name. Little Barley.

(woman) You see how well that goes together.

My midwife suggested a sea turtle birth.

What is that?

Oh, it's when you give birth on a beach

and you dig a small hole and you kick sand on the baby

and you see if it crawls into the ocean or into your arms.

Wow. It's better for the baby.

You know what?

I would be careful, though, with a midwife.

Even though they're not technically doctors,

they still have some medical training.

(woman) It's close enough.

And I just don't trust Western medicine at this point.

That's why I'm having my baby

on the highest mountain top in Tibet

as far from real medical help as is humanly possible.

Oh yeah. So smart.

My doula's a Sherpa. Oh.

My doula is a three-month-old baby, so she, like, gets it.

Oh, hey, but right when the baby's crowning,

we're gonna take a bunch of rose petals

and shove them up my pussy so when she's born

it looks just like that scene from American Beauty.

Which is better for the baby.

(gasps)

My plan, when the baby's half out,

is to just put it in a heroin balloon and just, like,

mule it to Tijuana so it's bilingual.

Que hora es son bebé.

That means better for the baby.

(Woman) Wow. So beautiful.

Well, I hope you all plan on eating the placenta.

Of course.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Yum. Every drop.

Except for the part that you bury in the front yard.

(Woman 2) It's so full of nutrients.

I'm just juicing it.

It's better for the mother.

(gasps)

Oh no.

And the baby.

Oh my God, you guys, I don't care about myself.

Oh my God, I don't care if I die during childbirth.

I hope I die during childbirth.

That's how I feel.

A mother haunting their baby

is the best thing for the baby.

Yes. I don't care if my baby

splits my body in two,

if my vagina doesn't look

like the inside of a shark mouth when Benoit is born,

I'm just gonna feel, like, cheated.

If I still have two decipherable holes

after this is all said and done,

I'm gonna be pretty pissed.

Oh, my God, so mad. (woman) Oh, my God, shove it back in.

Two holes.

(sighs)

So, Mena, what's your birth plan?

I don't know.

When I go into labor I think I'm just

gonna go to the hospital and do what the doctor says.

**

(burbling)

(groaning)

(splashing)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(yowling)

Mmm, cake pops.

**

What's the worst hotel you've ever stayed at on the road?

I stayed in Howard Johnson's in Virginia Beach and, uh,

it was under construction at the time.

What about you?

I'd say Red Roof Inn Youngstown, Ohio.

There was pubes all over the tub.

That's just your hair, Mark. How do you know it was pubes?

You could tell it was pubes

because they were short and curly.

Well...

Well, I got pubes up here, but...

Mark just, like, knew in his heart that they were pubes.

Yes.

**

(music playing)

Hello, welcome to the Raddiston Inn in Canton, Ohio.

Nestled in the heart of exit 107A off Interstate 77.

The Raddiston Inn of Canton is the perfect home away from home

for the length of you business trip, road trip, pit stop

or domestic squabble/dispute.

Our business center is located on the first floor,

by the front desk, off of the lobby.

Equipped with two Compaq Presario computers

and a disconnected printer.

Our business center is perfect for checking emails, weather,

and also emails.

We start serving free continental breakfast at 7:30

in the hotel lobby.

Try our soggy bread.

There's a French toast sign on it.

Breakfast ends promptly at 8:00 am.

No exceptions.

After 8:00 am we will leave out sad packets of butter,

peanut butter,

butter, and jelly.

All day.

Our fitness center is located on the fourth floor

and is accessible with your room key.

Which doesn't matter, because you'll never go.

We used to have a poo--

(TV audio mutes)

Marybeth?

Hey, listen.

Can we just-can we just talk?

Can I-can I-can I just talk to you?

God dammit!

--zing predators.

Small children and dogs are not allowed

in the exotic bird room for their own safety.

Rent out our ballroom.

I'm trapped in your television.

Check out is 11:00 am.

They're serious about that.

I overslept and now I'm stuck in this waking nightmare

until someone else misses the cutoff.

I shouldn't warn you,

but I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

I guess--

Adult entertainment is available

by ordering on your TV.

We have porn.

So much porn.

But it's not the kind you like.

And there's too much story and makeup.

No money shots and you can't fast forward.

We're all so alone in this world,

but no one is alone as me.

Please--

(horse whinnies, moaning)

**

**

So, Jon Ronson, you are the author "The Psychopath Test."

Mmm-hmm.

Let's talk about it.

Do you think people overuse the word Psychopath?

Yes.

Does it bug you? Yes.

Remember Robert Hare, the guy who-who's like the king

of all of this stuff... Yeah.

...said to me, when you meet a high scoring one, it's stunning.

Why?

I mean, I met a Haitian Death Squad leader

called Toto Constant.

I met him in prison in upstate New York.

Mmm-hmm. Fishkill?

Uh, Coxsackie.

That's not a bad one.

All the prison guards were calling me Harry Potter.

Why?

(laughing)

So, anyway, I went to see him.

What happened?

He just wanted to protest his innocence,

like he didn't kill anyone and he started to cry

and I look at him and he is only pretending to cry.

Right.

You're like the Jane Goodall of psychopaths.

Yes.

Are you scared that you're, like, Grizzly Man

and that one of them will kill you?

Yes.

I remember an Islamic fundamentalist called Omar Bakri

once outed me as a Jew at his Jihad training camp

near Gatwick airport.

Oh, in the Gatwick.

Yeah, and I took that-- Lines.

(laughing)

Anything happen?

They all went... (gasps)

And I said, "Surely it's better to be a Jew than an atheist,"

and I heard someone go, "No, it's not."

Um, and... Oh, man.

That heckler kicked your ass.

Are these people looking at you to see if you like them.

No. That's good.

I find that with other extremists.

Like, I remember I was with the Grand Wizard

of the Ku Klux Klan one time

and when none of his Klansmen were listening

he kinda whispered to me, "Do you think I'm weird?"

What? Yeah.

What did you say?

Were you like, "Dude, you're the best.

"You're the Grand Wizard.

You're not just, like, a wizard."

Your book has a psychopath checklist.

Will you run me through it and we can see if old girl

is a psychopath?

Glibness, superficial charm. Yeah.

Grandiose sense of self worth.

No.

I should have that, because I'm so great...

Okay.

Okay, so one for two.

I once asked, uh, a CEO that one.

Grandiose sense of self worth Yeah?

and we both looked up because he was standing

underneath a giant oil painting of himself.

He was famous for firing people with a joke.

Somebody said to him one time I just bought myself a new car

and he said, "You may have a new car,

but I'll tell you what you don't have--

a job."

Hold on one second. Okay.

Owen. (Owen) Mmm-hmm.

Uh, remind me I want to tell you a joke later.

(laughing)

So, okay, please, yes.

Pathological lying.

Once in a blue.

Cunning, manipulative.

Three.

Poor behavioral control so you kinda lash out.

Kim? (Kim) Yup.

Okay, four.

Promiscuous sexual behavior.

No. (Kim) Five!

(laughing)

**

Oop oop.

Oop oop.

Oop oop.

That's just a thing I do.

(woman) So Easy.

(man) Mmmm, magic.

Surprise.

I'm sorry, what the fuck is this?

(whispering) It's like a cell phone...

(laughing)