Original subtitles

More coffee, Brent?

Yeah, sure.

Wait!

You're keepin' the free refill policy, right?

Pardon?

When your aunt ran the place, she gave us free refills.

How many free refills?

I'm not sure, 30 or 40. It was within reason.

You can drink 30 cups of coffee?

Well, not at one sitting.

You gotta spread that out over the morning.

So you slap down a buck fifty...

A buck fifty? A buck fifty.

...and drink unlimited amount of coffee?

You're not in Toronto anymore, Lacey,

With your grande mocha dappa lopra frapaccino.

This is Saskatchewan.

Tommy douglas fought the federal government

For free refills on coffee.

Aah.

I thought tommy douglas fought for free health care.

After that coffee thing, there was a lot of kidney disorder.

Oh, back to work.

If this guy doesn't buy a buck fifty worth a gas,

I'll have to owe ya for the coffee.

* you can tell me that your dog ran away *

* then tell me that it took three days *

* i've heard every joke i've heard every one you say *

* you think there's not a lot goin' on *

* look closer baby you're so wrong *

* and that's why you can stay so long *

* where there's not a lot goin' on **

Good morning. Do you want me to fill it up?

Do you work here?

It'd be a weird hobby.

So you work here? I own the place, actually.

Oh. What year did you take over?

It depends. Who are you?

My name is marvin drey.

Muffin tray?

Marvin drey. I work for canada customs and revenue.

Ah, the tax man.

A tax man.

Pardon?

I'm not

Saying

Wow, this has come up before, hasn't it?

Would you like it if people called you "the gas man?"

I'd love it.

That was gonna be my name if I became a wrestler.

Wanna see my big finishing move?No.

That's probably the right answer.

I'm here to speak with a mr. Oscar LeRoy.

Do you know him? What's this about?

I can't discuss that with anyone but mr. LeRoy.

Well, i'm his son, Brent LeRoy.

Is your father coming in today?

Is he in trouble? Why do you think that?

What if he's out of town? Is he?

What if he was? Do you know where he is?

What's your favourite colour? Excuse me?

I was seeing how long we could answer questions with questions.

I'd better get back to work.

Okay, guys, that's $3 for the coffee.

Well, that's... that's a joke, right?

I know it's more than it used to be, but...

It used to be zero.

See, Ruby never charged me for coffee.

Kind of a tip of the hat for keeping the peace around here.

Hmm. Well, it seems like a pretty peaceful place.

I'm gonna take my chances.

Look, if marlin brando and the wild bunch roll in

And start tossing ketchups around, i'll buy you a coffee, okay?

But until then, it's $3.

Marlin Brando.

You should have told us before we ordered that we'd have to pay.

I'm sorry. Where I come from, people just assume

They have to pay for things in restaurants.

I love the coffee. I'll pay for it.

Or you can pay for it.

I need to speak with your father to verify a few things.

I think he went to hawaii.

Hawaii?

Not hawaii.

Somewhere cheaper than that, red deer.

I can appreciate that you don't want to help me.

I... I get that a lot.

Sometimes I get outright hostility,

Just because of my job.

Well, no offence. But I can't just turn over my father.

There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.

Hey, idiot!

You left the lid on the dumpster up.

Crows scattered garbage all over

And i'll be damned if i'm gonna clean it.

It'll be you out there scraping up crow crap.

I'll tell you whatever you need to know.

What's this?

Don't even start, Hank. Huh?

No. You know, I know, i'm not from here.

Maybe here in Saskatchewan everything gets magically paid

By some money fairy, you know?

Maybe... maybe i'll put a used coffee filter

Under my pillow and when I wake up there'll be $100 there.

But until that happens, people who come here

Have to pay for their food and drink, okay?

Okay.

But this is fries and a gravy and a root beer

And all I had was a coffee.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. That's... that's a... that's a wrong bill.

Oh, see?

A buck fifty? What, are ya nuts?

Dad, this is muffin tray, here... marvin drey.

He's one of many tax men.

Good morning, mr. LeRoy.

I'm here to look into some minor discrepancy

On your commercial tax exemption.

Discrepancy? I file my taxes every year.

My taxes pay your damn salary,

So turn around and go back where you came from.

There, i'm glad that's settled.

It's not a big deal, mr. LeRoy.

Last year you claimed an unusually high fuel tax exemption.

I just need to examine your records.

I file my taxes every year.

I pay your salary.

He's starting to drift on us.

You just need the sales receipts from last year?

That's all.

Dad, any idea where those might be?

My taxes pay for that suit you're wearing, buddy boy.

Yeah, we lost him.

See?

Hostility for no reason.

It's not just you. Dad's cranky. I saw him yell at a butterfly.

Called it a son of a bitch and get out of his garden.

Why'd ya come in person? You ever hear of a telephone?

It's a handy invention. I'll show ya how it works sometime.

We did call. You did not!

What did ya call me on a phone? My taxes paid for this call.

You got something to say, come here and say it in person.

You ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention.

I'll show ya how it works sometime.

Who was that?

I don't know, some jackass.

You're lying.

His story does reek of the truth.

Oh, sure, there ya go. Take his side.

All buddy-Buddy with the tax man.

A tax man, i'm a tax man.

How about that's enough for right now?

You go relax, have a piece of pie or something.

Okay.

Hostility for no reason.

He's a bit of a delicate thing, ain't he?

Why don't you go and hold his hand for him?

You sure are handing out a lot of tickets.

I've never seen you write out so many tickets before.

I'm starting to get the feeling you might be upset.

Did I forget your birthday?

You broke the code.

I didn't mean to.

What code?

This might be news to you, rookie,

But cops stick up for each other.

We cover each other's back.

The coffee thing? I just offered to pay, that's all.

You went against me, you went against the force.

You know who you are?

You're serpico.

Who?

Serpico.

You know, the al pacino movie?No.

You're in danger of being shunned by the entire force.

Yeah, but you and i are the force.

Hey, did the milk delivery come in?

Not yet.

Which delivery guy is it today, the cute one?

I don't know. They're both so dreamy.

The one who looks like george clooney or the one with the rash?

Oh. Ah, sorry, it's rash wednesday.

Great. I wore my push-Up bra for nothing.

The town appreciates it, Wanda.

Who was that guy talking with you and your dad?

A tax man.

Don't call him

Or he goes squirrelly on ya.

Some people are sensitive about article use.

About what? Proper article use.

"A" or "an" are indefinite articles.

"The" is a definite article.

In fact, some people say "the" is "thee definite article."

Ah, people say a lot of stuff.

Hank!

Next time just throw a snake at me.

I need your help.

With what?

Not here.

This is on the hush-Hush.

Hush-Hush?

So that's what we gotta do, we gotta nail this guy.

You gotta help me come up with some kinda plan.

You're a shifty kinda weasel type. No offence.

The nerve of that jackass!

I'm not being cheated out of my money

By some slick-Talkin', pencil-Necked government jerk.

I can hear you.

What, you snea...

Mind your own business!

Hank!

I mean it's fascinating to think that most languages

Have more than one definite article.

French has three, german...

Brent!

Karen, thank god!

Do you have

The movie. The movie or a movie?

It's a movie with al pacino.

I always get my al pacino movies mixed up.

Oh, I saw

He plays a cop and fights corruption on the force.

How does it end?

I think he gets shot in the head,

Or he turns into a blind guy who smells women.

Either way we don't have the movie.

Okay. Um, thanks anyway.

Yeah.

All right, we can talk in here.

Okay, I got a plan.

Oh, that's never good. No.

I don't see you coming up with a plan to help me.

Oh. So you recruited the desert fox, here.

Smooth move.

Go stuff a duck! What's your plan, Hank?

Black mail.

Huh?

We go out with this tax guy, get him drunk,

And then we take pictures of him doing something sleazy.

He'll be so embarrassed he'll drop the whole case.

You watch a lot of m.A.S.H, do ya?

Well, I got a satellite dish now.

What if he doesn't do anything sleazy.

Ya got a plan b?

As a matter of fact I do.

I go out with this tax guy and get him loaded, right?

You just wanna drink with the guy.

I know what i'm doing.

We get the tax man... a tax man.

Actually, in this case you can say "the" tax man,

Because you're referring to a particular person.

What?

We get

You seduce him?

No. No!

While i'm getting the tax guy drunk,

Oscar puts a bunch of papers in the box... any old papers...

And then he drops them and we mess 'em up 'cause we're drunk,

And he'll wanna cover his ass, so he'll assume he screwed up,

And then Oscar gets away with it

Because he's too embarrassed to admit that he was drunk.

Are you drunk now? That makes no sense.

Messing up the papers, how does that help?

Well, it's complicated. It's got a lot of...

I like it.

I think Wanda was onto something.

You should just seduce this guy.

What do you say, Hank, take one for the team?

Here's an obvious question.

Have you even tried looking for the papers?

So, have you decided on something?

Yes. I believe I will have...

Wait!

Before you order, I think I should tell you

That coffee is not free. You have to pay for it.

What an odd thing to say.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah. I shouldn't have to tell people that coffee isn't free.

People here think coffee's free.

I don't know how to put this, but don't you think

The people around here are a little odd?

Oh, no.

No, they seem real nice, friendly.

Lacey, please, give Davis free coffee.

I'd pay for it, but then he'd know.

Somehow he'd know.

Okay, look. I am not a rat, okay?

I do not want to go up against the force.

He's onto me.

I gotta go.

I don't want to end up getting shunned

Or shot in the face or sniffing women.

What do you mean odd?

What are you looking for? Nothin'.

Nothing? You're rummaging in a box for no reason?

Not for no reason. I'm looking for something.

Well, what are you looking for?

Nothin'.

If you're looking for your

I'm not looking for my

Why would you throw away my

What about you?

What's your story?

What do you do?

Just government work, pretty boring stuff.

You don't want to hear about it.

Ah, come on. Sure I do.

Canada customs and revenue.

That's interesting.

Gee, i'm so sorry. You know what?

I've gotta get back to work.

Every time.

Could you at least take my order?

If you tell me, I could help you look.

I'm looking for business paper.

What business paper?

Fine, don't help me. Oh, god, you're a pain!

What kinda business paper are you talkin' about?

The tax things, for the tax stuff.

Your tax files are in the garage.

No, they're not. Yes, they are. I put them there myself.

No, ya didn't. You would have told me.

I did tell ya.

You never tell me nuthin'.

Oscar, i'm taking your tax files and putting them in the garage.

Yeah.

Did you hear me?

Your tax papers are in this blue box

And i'm putting them in the cabinet in the garage.

I'm trying to watch wrestling.

You have to know where it is in case the tax people come.

Right. The tax man's gonna come looking for me.

Hah! Who am i, al capone? Look out! The feds are comin'!

Run for your life, ma barker! Elliott ness is gonna catch ya!

We're all goin' to jail for tax fraud.

Honestly, I don't know why I bother.

Maybe the attic.

Emma, would they be up in the attic?

You think that guy looks like george clooney?

No, not him, the other one.

Who, brad pitt?

Hey!

Davis just gave me a parking ticket.

He gave me one and i'm parked in the lot.

I wasn't even parked. I was stopped at a stop sign.

He's mad 'cause Lacey's not giving him free coffee,

So he's taking it out on the town.

Does he think everything gets paid by a money fairy

Who puts a... a coffee filter under your pillow?

What?

Davis gave me a parking ticket! What's he trying to pull?

My taxes pay his damn salary.

Okay, dad. You gotta stop paying everybody's salary.

You're only one man.

Well, I hope mr. Law-And-Order enjoys me accidentally

Filling his gas tank with diesel.

I better talk to Lacey before things get out of hand.

Things got out of hand today

In the small farming community of Dog River, Saskatchewan.

We are joined now by satellite by Brent LeRoy.

He runs the local gas station in Dog River.

Brent, can you hear me? Oh, go ahead, dan.

Brent, can you shed some light

On this rather bizarre series of events?

One of the local cops went kinda nuts with the parking tickets.

And then my old man, who's pretty nutty,

Vowed kind of a revenge thing,

And that went back and forth for a while.

The whole town started kind of a feud.

And, long story short, i'm the only one left alive.

I doubt it'll come to that. But I see what you're saying.

That's what i'm saying.

Even if Karen pays for his coffee,

Davis is still gonna be upset? Right.

I want to help, but I can't give Davis free coffee.

Why should it come out of my pocket?

You can write the coffee off.

Give them free coffee, but track how much they drink.

At year's end, claim it as a promotion and advertising expense.

Even if they each drink two cups every day,

That's... $2,190 a year, which is a pretty

Reasonable deduction for a business of this size.

Who's the bad guy now? Huh?

Hey, marvin!

That was a cool thing you did for Lacey.

I know we haven't been overly hospitable,

So can I buy you a drink,

Bearing in mind i'm not gay?

I could use another drink,

Bearing in mind i'm not an alcoholic.

Can we get two?

All i'm trying to determine is why your station

Claimed sales that are 25% higher than other stations

In comparable towns.

Well, we are the only station within 60 clicks.

We're on two major trucking routes,

Plus one of our employees sometimes wears a push-Up bra.

Well, if it all adds up, there won't be a problem.

Well, let's say, hypothetically,

My dad can't find these sales records, what then, prison?

There's no tax prison in canada. Don't to worry about that.

I wasn't worrying, I was suggesting.

Brent. Hey, tax guy.

You okay, Hank?

Oh, i... i'm good, yeah. I got a little head start on you guys.

So, listen, tax guy, you don't seem so bad. Huh?

Let's say you and me run down main street with our pants off?

Huh? It will be fun, huh?

So the game's afoot, is it?

Look, Hank, why don't you just forget about this, okay?

What do you... what do you mean?

Oh, I get it.

Anplay b-A. Gotcha!

What?

It sounded like plan b in pig latin.

Oh, geez, he's sharp.

Ah, I may need another drink.

What was that about?

You ever watch

This is stupid. You're being a big baby.

Can't hear you.

You can too, you big baby.

Serpico. You're serpico.

Oh, how am I serpico?

I thought you couldn't hear me.

What do you want?

Look, Davis, coffee is on the house from now on, okay?

I don't have to pay? No.

And she's not paying? No.

You keep her away from me. What?

Oh, she made things very clear. I don't want any trouble.

What are you talking...

Look, Karen, forget it, okay? I'm sorry.

Here.

Here's your $3 back.

I just don't want any trouble.

Did you intimidate her?

Maybe?

Good work, kid.

Ah, dammit!

What are you doing with my camera?

Emma?

Here are your tax papers.

You said you needed them for tonight.

Now where did you find those? I looked everywhere.

Idiot!

Hey, guys!

Thanks for the advice today, marvin.

I used it to confuse a couple a cops.

There you go, jackass.

Read 'em and weep.

Jackass?

It's not just you. Remember the butterfly?

Plan b.

What the hell are you doing? Those are the real papers.

Jackass!

See, it's not just you.

Where did you find those sales receipts, anyway?

In the cabinet in the garage.

There's a cabinet in the garage?

I told you and your father, both,

Where I was putting those papers.

I don't think so.

You have to know where this stuff is

In case the tax people come looking.

Right. The tax man's gonna come lookin' for me.

Who am i, al capone? Look out! The feds are comin' for us!

Run for your life, ma barker! Elliott ness is gonna catch ya!

Yeah, the feds are comin', ma.

You'll never take us alive, copper!

Whoo-Whoo, pow-Pow, whoo-Whoo, pow-Pow-Pow.

Grow up.

You grow up.

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