Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ This cake looks amazing!

I can't wait to eat it!

♪ Happy birthday dear Spe... ♪

Happy birthday, Spencer!

What the hell are you doing?

I just thought it'd be a fun surprise.

It's a thing for his birthday.

Why did you ruin my birthday?

After you split up, all I wanted was a real cake.

Don't worry, Spence.

We'll get you another cake...

and another dad.

Boo!

ALL BOO

You're pathetic!

I was just trying to do a nice surprise for your birthday.

I can't believe you're my brother!

Spencer?

I want another dad.

Spencer!

ALARM CHIMES

MUSIC: Can You Get To That by Funkadelic

That felt harsh, even for a nightmare.

HE SIGHS

♪ I once had a life, or rather

♪ Life had me... ♪

COURTNEY: I cannot believe she hasn't called me.

Well, have you called her?

Ah, no.

She was the one that left,

plus she is the one that rings me.

It's sort of funny in a way, isn't it?

Because if you were a bit more like me, this argument

probably wouldn't be happening. Like, because my sort of approach

is to kind of just go with the flow.

Whereas your approach is to sort of...

scream abuse at the flow until it starts crying.

How's that working out for you?

Just because last time I checked, you flowed right into

living in your sister's house, sobbing in the bathroom at night.

I do not sob, OK?

I'm not sobbing.

Well, I hope that's you crying,

because if that is you masturbating then you need help.

Look, I would not masturbate in my sister's bathroom, OK?

I wouldn't masturbate in any guest bathroom... So you're sobbing?

I'm not... Oh, morning! Morning.

Hiya, mate. You all right?

Ah, got a bit of good news.

I'm making pancakes.

You're making them?

Yeah, look. He's doing such a great job.

Look at that lovely pile of mush.

That is just a practice pile, OK,

but this one is going to be egg-cellent.

Egg-cellent.

When's Auntie Dan coming back? Because you guys

are weird without her.

AT SAME TIME: Ah, next week. Ah, I think it's tomorrow.

She will be back for my birthday, though?

Yep, she definitely will try.

She's definitely going to try and be there.

Great, because I know exactly what I want to do.

You do?

Jed went to this amazing zombie-hunter hotel

and said it was insane!

He said there were real zombies and everything.

Yeah, well, I've got a slight issue with the term "real zombies".

So hold on a minute.

You want me, Dan, your mum and dad all to go on

a zombie-hunting holiday together?

You don't have to if you don't want to.

No, no, I can't wait. No, co... It'll be great. I def...

It'll be really... good, yeah. Yeah, I want to come. Yes!

OK, what's become clear is that I can't make pancakes at all,

so I think we get breakfast out.

Do you wanna go and get your coat?

Great!

If you don't get us out of this,

I will haunt you like a zombie.

Right, OK, what's clear from that, Courtney, is that you don't

understand what zombies are or how they work.

Oh, why don't you just pop off to the toilet

and have a nice, dirty sob?

Dad? Mm-hm?

Have you called the zombie hotel yet?

Spencer, you've been with me the entire time.

Have you seen me organising a weekend break?

Can you do it now?

Now?

I'll do it in a bit, all right?

Come on, please, please, please, please, please!

Come on, now. I've wanted to do this forever now... All-all...

...all right, all right. All right. Tone it down a bit.

Yeah, OK. I'll do it.

But they're probably going to be fully booked, so just,

you know, manage your expectations.

Manage them better than that.

Great.

Dad, are they free? Dad, have they got any rooms?

I've not even got through yet, Spencer.

Yes, hello.

Yeah. Erm, yeah, I'm just calling on the off chance -

it's probably unlikely you're gonna be able to help -

but I just wanted to check on availability.

Well, I haven't... I haven't said when yet.

Well... Well, it's tomorrow night.

Oh, you have?

OK, well, that is...

That's good, but it's actually three rooms, so I'm not...

You've got three rooms?

OK, well, that's-that's, erm... That's brilliant.

The only issue is I need three adjoining rooms.

You do?

OK, well, that is, erm, surprising, but obviously great.

OK. Well, I guess I will, erm...

...I'll book that, then.

Yeah, the surname's Nadar.

Yeah, sure, I'll hold.

Looks like we're going zombie-hunting. Yes!

SOUL MUSIC

DOORBELL

Oh.

Jonathan.

Claire.

Ah... Hi. How are you?

Ah, good. How are you? You good?

Yeah, yeah. Are you good?

Yeah, I'm gr... I'm great, yeah.

So... Are you good? SHE CLEARS THROAT

Yeah. This is a surprise.

Oh. Oh, well, I mean, I could, erm...

I could get back in the car for ten minutes to give you...

Come in. ..time to... HE CLEARS THROAT

Thank you.

If Courtney sent you to get me to go back...

She hasn't. Well, I'm not going back.

Ah, OK.

Even if she begs me.

No, she's not begging.

She's not even asking, so not an issue.

Erm, I've got a bit of, erm, news.

I have booked us into a zombie-hunter hotel for

Spencer's birthday tomorrow. He wants us all to go.

I'd already planned to go to one of those cafes where

you paint the teapots.

Yes, I know,

and I'm as shocked as you are that he's thinking of alternatives.

And I've got that awayday on Sunday,

so I'll have to leave first thing.

Well, I've got great news.

The zombie shift finishes at sunrise,

so you'll be absolutely fine.

Is she coming?

Spencer wants she to come, yeah.

So Courtney is coming.

Based on how mature you're being about it right now,

I think it's going to go great.

All right, so Spencer wants to spend his birthday with

two warring couples, does he?

We're not warring. Are we?

God, no.

No...

No, I mean, we're...

I mean, we're great. Ah, n... Fine. We're fine. Yeah.

I mean, look, I don't want to go either, OK?

It's just that...

...Spencer's been through a lot of shit recently

and I just think it's kind of up to the four of us to make sure

he has a great time on his birthday.

And if that means pretending to be a functioning family for

a bit, then can we just do it?

What, while killing a bunch of zombies?

DAN SIGHS Fine.

But, for the record, I'm doing it for Spencer.

Great. I'll make sure they put that on the booking.

"Doing it for Spencer."

I'll get it confirmed by email.

Thank you for that as well.

You're welcome.

All right?

Oh, you're driving, are you?

Yeah, you always say you hate driving.

Well, maybe I've changed my mind, as people often do.

Oh, OK, OK.

No, you-you should drive.

Yeah, you drive, and we'll just go round and round the M25

until one of us dies.

Fine. Yes?

You've bullied me into it,

as you always do.

COURTNEY SIGHS Yeah? You drive.

OK. Let's go, birthday boy.

SPENCER: You guys excited?

Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be great.

It's going to be so good, isn't it? It'll be so good,

just everyone hanging out together. Yeah, can't wait.

This is exciting. Just all of us together,

just having fun. Oh, buzzing. All together.

JONATHAN: Well, that four hours has just flown by.

Great chat.

SPEAKING SLOWLY: Everyone...

...out!

Everyone out. Wow. OK.

I mean, he does work here, right?

CLAIRE: I mean, we are here, so we were going to get out anyway.

DEATH: No cars...

...in the afterlife.

And no survivors.

Bit much.

You have come here...

...seeking redemption and shelter.

OK, sorry. How quickly can we get into the room?

I just really need a wee, so...

First you will be tested.

Can we leave our bags in the car?

If only it was as easy

to leave our sins.

I'm going to take that as a yes.

First, ye will need the proper documentation.

The documentation.

NORMAL VOICE: Booking confirmation.

Oh, yes. Ah...

Yes. There you go.

Thanks.

You'll go in there.

It needs to be three adjoining rooms.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, there it is.

All the info's on the bottom of the email. Oh, thank you.

Thanks. Great. Cheers. CLEARS THROAT

RESUMES CREEPY VOICE: Welcome to Murder Wood,

where zombies await in every corner,

and... your... mind.

Sorry, are you sure this is suitable for kids?

Erm, Death, this is all, erm, great.

It's really, really good, isn't it?

It's really... fun.

But it's just that we're quite knackered,

we've had quite a long drive.

So we were thinking if we get up to the rooms,

chill out for a little bit, and then we can come

back down for this, kind of... In order to get your key,

you will need to find...

HE CACKLES

HE CONTINUES SLOW CACKLE

...the antidote.

But beware.

If a zombie grabs this tag...

...you will be lost forever.

And, whatever you do,

don't split... up.

Hm. That ship's sailed.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

COUGHING

That was so cool!

Right, I think if we want to get in our rooms, we've got to split up.

Oh, right, so you didn't listen to a word that Death said.

Well, excuse me for not taking advice from the failed actor.

DEATH: Michael, I'm just going to move the car.

Oh, God, it's already getting a bit dark, isn't it?

I think Courtney is right, actually.

I think we're going to have to split up to cover more ground.

Spence, why don't you come with me and we'll leave your aunties

to have some quiet time?

SPENCER: I want to go with Courtney.

What?

No, no, Spencer, why don't you and I go together?

These others can be a team, yeah?

No offence, Dad. I just actually want to go with someone

who can actually fight a zombie.

OK. Well, it's up to you, but just so you know,

lots of offence. Have fun.

Come on, let's go!

Whoa... DAN: Oh, my God...

Well, look, I guess we...

We go this way, and, erm, you know, maybe if we're lucky

the zombies are real, we can join the undead and

live this day for eternity.

I could be painting teapots right now.

This is still better than that.

EERIE MUSIC

OWL HOOTS It's ridiculous.

Anyway, it's ridi... Aargh! Oh, my gosh! Ow!

Something just touched my head! That was...

It was just like... Are you scared, Auntie Courtney?

Yeah, Courtney, what are you scared of?

Nothing.

Just worried about you, Spencer, mate.

I just think maybe we should go and find that, erm, Death guy

and just see if he's got, like, a torch or something.

Nah, it's way cooler in the dark.

Awesome.

You know, you could use the torch on your phone, right?

Yes, I did actually know that.

And I did consider it. Mm.

ROAR

Bloody hell, how authentic do they need this place to be?

Do you not think this is a bit full-on for Spence?

I'm worried we're going to mentally scar him.

OK, one...

...Spencer absolutely loves this stuff.

And, two, you are saying that having just walked through

a fake spider web.

You worry too much.

Well, you worry too little.

Do you think Spencer put us together on purpose?

Claire...

Yes, Jonathan?

Just turn around and tell me this isn't a bit much

for a ten-year-old.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yeah, no, that is a bit much.

SPENCER: Guys, is this a real human head?

OK, Spencer, I think maybe just move away from that for now.

Look at its nose!

Right, it says that we need to go left here to find the antidote.

GROWLING Oh, my God! What was that?

It was nothing.

GROWLING AND GROANING

DISTANT SCREAMS

Something's out there.

SCREAMING

JONATHAN: Do you know what? I might actually complain about this.

This is way too real for kids.

CLAIRE SCOFFS What?

Well, sorry... SHE LAUGHS

It's just the idea of you complaining.

I'll have you know that I actually complained about and sent back

a sandwich the other day, so... Oh, was that the one that

Courtney made you send back?

I really wish you weren't friends with my sister.

SHRIEK Oh, my God... What was that?

Was that Spencer? Spence!

Oh, my God! They're coming, they're coming! They're coming!

Oh, my God, they're everywhere - they're EVERYWHERE!

Oh, my God. GROWLING AND GRUNTING

What the Hell is this?

What are we going to do? This is insane.

We should have been given a safe word, Jonathan!

Wait, wait, we know they're not actually going to eat us, right?

We need to split them up. Ah, OK.

Spencer and Claire, you come with me.

Dan and Courtney, run that way. We'll meet you at the hotel.

What about the antidote?

I don't think anyone gives a shit about the antidote, Claire!

All right, OK! Come on, let's go.

SPENCER: This is so cool.

Spencer, come on!

Spencer! Claire, you go ahead. I'll catch you up.

Come on. Come on, mate. Come on, mate. Quick.

Spencer, come on.

Spencer, come on! Spencer...

Spencer! Woof!

Fuck you! Oh...

Oh, God. I'm so... Mate, I'm so sorry.

Why would you do that?

Well, I-I thought you were going for my son. I just panicked.

Are you OK?

Not really.

Dad...

...you just punched a zombie.

I am so sorry.

This is a themed zombie-hunter game.

You do understand the concept of a game, don't you?

Yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

And you will understand that we have to have quite a strict

policy on guests physically abusing our staff members.

Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry.

It's just... It was just a bit more full-on than I think

we were anticipating.

Like I said, I'm so, so sorry.

If we could just get our hotel room keys, I'd love to

just get ourselves rested. It's just, erm...

I think we're a bit strung out, you know?

Do you have the antidote?

What?

I was very clear.

You need the antidote to get your key.

Are you... joking?

You're not seriously suggesting we go back out there.

Yeah.

Fuck this.

Excuse me?

You heard me. Fuck this.

This place is a fucking joke.

It's not safe, and it's completely inappropriate, by the way.

The theme is all over the shop,

and I don't even want to visit the shop.

The only thing accurate about is when you come in it says,

"Abandoned home," cos I fucking should've done when

I came to this shithole!

Now, listen, you are about to get the TripAdvisor review

from Hell, mate, OK?

Now, give me my keys!

I'm going to have to ask you and your family to leave

the premises right now.

With pleasure, mate. We're gone.

We're a memory.

Oh, and, by the way, the voice you're using...

IMITATES VOICE: ..you sound like a sex offender.

Dickhead!

Well, I've decided we're getting out of here.

Oh, well, thank God for that.

What do you mean?

This place isn't really suitable for kids, Spence.

It's really fun here.

They've got blood burgers for dinner.

Well, you do realise that blood burgers are just regular burgers,

except someone jumps out at you from behind a chair, don't you?

It is his birthday, Jonathan.

And it's not his fault you think zombies are real.

I panicked, OK?

I'm sorry. It's the principal, all right?

Let's... We're going. But I don't want to go.

Look, we've driven all the way here now. We're not going home.

So let's just get the keys and get warm.

We've been thrown out.

What?

We've been asked to leave.

I don't want to go! Well...

Spencer. Spencer.

Well, I...

Spencer...

Are we, erm, are we getting thrown out because you punched that zombie?

Yes.

And for continued unreasonable and aggressive behaviour.

Impressive.

This is a fucking disaster.

Right, well, I suppose I'll have to go and sort it out then, again.

Wait, wait. Why you?

Well, I want Spencer to have a nice birthday.

That and I think that Death fellow's a massive bellend.

She's going to kill him.

DEATH: Oh, no.

No, I've already told your friend you guys have to leave.

Sorry. Erm...

That guy that just shouted at you,

he just wants his son to have a good birthday.

That is not my problem. I know. I know.

But the kid's parents have split up and, well,

because his dad is a loser and he's...

He's living with me and my wife, and we've just had a massive fight.

He's surrounded by a mishmash of lunatics.

I mean, the poor kid must think he's cursed.

I'm begging you.

He just wants to have a good birthday

and eat... blood burgers.

We're staying! THEY CHEER

There you go. Thank you!

I ripped him a new one, so, ah...

And there is one single room for a single mum.

MUSIC: Ain't Gonna Tell You by Frank Wilson

♪ We've had good times together

♪ This I want you to know

♪ I think that you're a very nice person

♪ That's as far as I can go

♪ Because I ain't gonna tell you Ain't gonna tell you

♪ No, I ain't gonna tell you

♪ We've had good times

♪ Good times

♪ We've had good times in the morning

♪ Good times in the evening

♪ Good times, we've had good times... ♪

Sorry I messed up today, Spence.

You didn't mess up.

This has been the best birthday ever.

Way better than last year.

Well, last year was all right, wasn't it?

Well, you and Mum weren't really talking.

Yes, we were.

I heard you guys arguing.

Right.

Well, I only heard Mum arguing.

You sounded like you were mumbling really quietly.

Yes, OK. Yeah, I know.

Thank you for that extra detail.

All right, come on.

So this has been way better.

And I'm going to tell everyone that my dad punched a zombie.

Dad, are you crying?

A little bit, but, like, in a really cool way.

Love you, Dad.

Love you, too.

And how about tomorrow I show you how to knock out the undead?

Erm, Dad, you didn't actually knock him out.

I could've done.

Right, goodnight.

Are you drowning your sorrows?

Only hard spirits can cut through the disturbing flavours

of a blood burger. Hm.

You were great today.

No.

I mean, yeah, I was.

And very brave with the zombies.

Yeah, I mean, I was also brave with the zombies.

I think I owe you an apology.

I guess I got a bit carried away seeing your relationship

with Spencer, and...

I know we said that kids weren't for us.

You know, erm...

Well, it pains me to admit that your stupid brother

was probably right.

I mean, I should've made it easier for you to talk about, and...

Well, I think I went in a little bit strong.

Your text called me "a manipulative bitch".

Yeah, like I said, I think I went in a little bit strong.

I really wasn't trying to manipulate you.

It was just so nice to see you being...

I don't know... maternal?

I know.

So what does this mean in terms of kids?

I don't know. Maybe... Maybe, for now, let's just say

it's, erm...

...an open discussion.

That is very reasonable and rational.

Well, I am very reasonable and rational.

Come here.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you.

JONATHAN SIGHS Thank you. For you.

Cheers.

Here's to only partially mentally scarring our child tonight.

Cheers.

You're handling this break-up better than I thought.

That felt like an insult.

No, I mean it.

I mean, old Jonathan would never have punched a zombie and had a go

at a hotel manager.

I still feel like there's a dig coming.

No, I...

...honestly really noticed how much you've been getting

your shit together.

I mean, you sorted out Jed's cabin,

came to my rescue when Spencer went missing.

I mean, it's a bit annoying that you're only changing

now after we've split up.

There it is. Thank you.

We should probably talk about the other night.

Oh, do we have to?

Not a total transformation, then.

No, I mean, I was...

I've just been thinking...

You know, since we were, like, when we were on the doorstep

we had that, you know...

When we said goodnight, and...

What? You can just say "kiss".

OK, when we "kissed".

Well, it was a kiss, wasn't it?

Well, it was just...

I don't know.

I don't know. I just...

I know things weren't perfect when we were together,

but maybe, you know, it's...

It might be easi... No, better...

...if we...

if we did get back together.

Jonathan?

I'm asking you back.

No.

What?

I don't think it's right.

You're saying no?

For the past few months,

all I've wanted is for things to get back to normal.

It's all I've thought about.

But...

We can't get back together...

because it's easy.

Do you know, Spence was picking up on all the atmosphere

and the weirdness, and...

since the split there hasn't been any atmosphere.

He... seems happy.

I think that...

...maybe we're better parents to him when we're apart.

Well, I think I preferred the old Jonathan.

Bye, Mum.

Bye.

Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

Bye!

Right, come on. Let's go.

Your birthday's not over.

COURTNEY: I scored some chips!

Isn't it a bit early for chips?

I mean, do you want the chips?

Yeah.

See. Do you have ketchup?

Do I have ketchup?

Of course I have ketchup!

Whoa! There you go.

You're not going to say "please" or "thank you", no?

Such a good night last night, Spence.

It was a proper party. Yeah! Party!

No, thanks for getting us all together. It was, ah...

I want to say "fun".

No, but, seriously,

thanks for coming. You...

You made it really special.

And, ah...

...Courtney, thank you for saving the night

and for letting us stay with you, and...

Well, I guess thanks for everything.

Wow. When you list it like that,

you owe us a lot. Yeah, OK.

It's totally fine, Jonathan.

Actually, we were talking about this last night, and...

you don't have to move out any time soon.

We really love having you.

Is that true, Courtney?

Well, I want you to know it has almost nothing to do with

your personality, but, ah, yes, we did say that.

Yes, well, that'd be...

That'd be really nice, actually. So thank you.

Well, we can't stay forever, can we?

What do you mean?

I mean, I love it at Auntie Dan's,

but we'll have to move back home when you and Mum get back together,

won't we?

MUSIC: Bright Side Of The Road by Van Morrison

♪ From the dark end of the street

♪ To the bright side of the road

♪ We'll be lovers once again

♪ On the bright side of the road

♪ Little darlin', come with me... ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0