Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

SPENCER HUMS HAPPILY

Why are you so annoyingly happy this morning?

We've got PE this morning

so I'm going to see all my football friends.

Oh, right, like Tommy?

Tommy's a break mate.

A what?

He's in the other class, so we only see each other at break.

So, what, you've got football mates and break mates?

And swimming coach friends, skater friends,

some in the year above...

OK, I get it, you've got loads of friends.

Well done, very, very pleased for you. Congratulations.

How come you don't really have any friends, Dad?

I do. Really?

Cos you don't go out that much. Like, at all.

Well, it's different for adults, isn't it?

Like how?

Well, I mean, I could go out if I wanted to,

like, all the time, but just...

...sometimes I just, uh...

...enjoy the comfort of being near a toilet.

Spencer! Oh...

You best go. See you later, Dad. See you later.

It must be your "walk you through the gate" mate.

Take care, mate. Have a good one. Bye. Bye.

I could go out.

SHE SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT

Can I... can I ask you a question?

Oh, you want my advice now, do you?

It's not advice. I just want to know something. Right.

Do you and Dan have separate friends?

Well, I've got my work friends.

Dan's got her therapy lot.

I've got my college mates.

It's weird, actually, because generally I find people unbearable,

but they just fucking love me.

Well, your life sounds amazing.

Are you, uh... Are you worried that you don't have any friends?

No.

I mean, I wasn't, until Spencer asked me a question this morning

that completely undermined my popularity belief system.

What's your WhatsApp situation?

Situation?

Like, what groups are you in? How many?

I'm actually in loads of groups. I don't think that's a problem.

Are you? I'm in loads. You're in loads of groups, are you?

Yes, I'm in loads of groups. I'm not saying it like a brag.

That's fine.

All right. So you're in Claire's Christmas Works Do,

Summer Kids' Club Plans,

Claire and Jen's Halloween Piss-up.

These are all Claire's groups. No, they're not.

I'm in the groups as well, so how can they be Claire's groups?

Well, that's what happens, isn't it?

They always add couples, but then you only ever, like,

interact with, um... with one.

The other person is like a spare.

I don't... I don't think that's the situation with us.

When was the last time that you messaged someone in one

of those groups and then got a reply?

Well, nobody... is sad enough to keep track of that, are they?

CHUCKLES: Well...

I mean, Christmas was ages ago, so that doesn't...

You're looking quite far back there, aren't you?

Well, no... HE SIGHS

Face it. Everyone's picked Claire.

Guess what.

I actually have a date tonight.

Really? Mm.

So, where did you meet him?

On an app, for single mums.

Oh! OK, yeah.

Yeah, I know, it sounds like

the start of an abduction story, doesn't it?

But I just need to get out there.

Don't tell Jonathan.

Don't worry. I'll keep it to myself.

I mean, the guy's only just started to be able to listen to Adele

without a full breakdown.

Hmm... Have you managed to talk to Courtney about having kids?

Ah... Sort of gone cold on that idea.

How come?

Well, I sort of bottled it the other night and suggested getting a dog.

Is she not keen?

No. She's still sending me articles on how much shit a dog owner

has to pick up per year.

It's a lot.

A lot... of shit? Or a lot of articles?

Both.

HIGH PITCHED RINGING, ECHOED LAUGHTER

Thank you so much for inviting me to live here!

It's fine.

Jonathan was such a spare!

THEY GIGGLE

No wonder he has no friends!

I can actually hear everything you're saying.

Can you just please let me in?

And now he's a spare in his own family!

I'm not a spare!

He's such a fucking loser!

I'm not a loser!

Fleece-wearing twat!

I'm not a spare!

Oh, for fuck's sake...

You're joking!

HE SIGHS

Did you know Keith is a dying name?

I've been Googling it.

Well, I guess it's hard to imagine

somebody calling a baby Keith, isn't it?

Why?

Well, you know, "Here's baby Keith."

What you up to tonight?

Uh, nothing. Why?

I've organised a little team outing with some of the back office lads,

and you're coming - no arguments.

Um...

Yeah. Great. Yeah. Thank you.

Who exactly has confirmed to come?

Am I not good enough for you?

You just get yourself there and I'll bring the party, yeah?

OK. Who will be at the party...?

See you later!

Who's a spare now, Courtney?

Oh, still me.

I've loved our work together.

I mean, you have fundamentally changed me.

But you did the work. Exactly!

And now I'm ready to do more work...

...elsewhere.

Sorry?

So, there's this online therapist.

Online? What, like Zoom?

More like text.

Like a chat box. Would you call it, like, a chat box thing?

Oh! Text therapy.

Yeah! Amazing, right?

And, uh, it's free!

Right!

Deena sacked me because she's getting free therapy via text.

Wow, you can get free therapy?

That's awful. It's bullshit, is what it is.

You can't therapise someone by text.

I suppose you can get divorced via text, so why not get therapy?

Oh, so you agree, do you, with what Deena's done, sacking me?

I don't know, maybe tech therapy works for some people.

Text therapists are charlatans.

I bet they're not even professionally trained.

OK, upside - you never have to see Deena again

or hear about her awful mother.

Downside - or receive her £60 an hour twice a week.

I mean, there is nothing I love more than one of my clients

having a breakthrough, but financially I could have done with

it taking another six months or so. DOOR CLOSES

Um, can you guys look after Spencer tonight?

Why? Because I'm going out.

Are you really going out?

Yes. Yes, I am. Yeah.

That's great, Jonathan. Good for you.

That's a bit patronising, but, yeah, thank you.

On your own, or did one of Claire's WhatsApp friends take pity on you?

No, actually, it's just... got invited out, you know?

It's a bit of a...

...a bit of a boys' night flex.

Oh, for God's sake, don't say that when you're out.

Did he have imaginary friends as a child too?

Be nice, OK? This is a big moment for him.

He's always struggled socially.

Maybe it's because people talked about him

in front of him like he wasn't there, that maybe did it.

So, who are these friends, then?

Well, if you must know, they're people from work.

SHE LAUGHS Shpeed Awareness!

Wow.

I mean, that is going to be a wild night.

What's wrong with people from Speed Awareness?

Lock up your daughters.

THEY CHUCKLE

HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

VIDEO GAME PLAYS

JONATHAN CLEARS THROAT

JONATHAN COUGHS

Why are you in here?

I'm actually off out tonight, with some mates of mine,

some friends that your mum doesn't know, so...

Great.

So I think we can probably bring an end to all of that chat about me not

having any friends, cos obviously I do have friends, so...

Dad, I need to focus on this game. Yeah, sure.

I'm just saying, it just sort of feels a little bit inaccurate

to say that I don't have friends, when obviously I do have friends,

and I've sort of managed to kind of cultivate a social circle

that doesn't involve your mum or doesn't invo...

Well, it wouldn't involve you, obviously. That'd be weird.

But it doesn't involve Auntie Dan or... Dad!

Right, OK. Yeah, sure. No problem.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Wow! You look great.

Thank you.

So, I'm off out with the Speed Awareness lads.

I'll see you later.

Um, can you do me a favour?

Spencer has not stopped gaming, so I'd really love him

to have an evening away from a screen, if that's all right.

Yeah, of course. Thanks. All right, see you later.

Bye. Don't wait up.

PEOPLE SCREAM ON VIDEO

What's funny?

WOMAN, ON VIDEO: Oh, this is the worst day ever! Fuck my life!

Courtney, what's so funny?

COURTNEY LAUGHS

Am I just talking to myself here?

LAUGHS: So sorry.

It's just this video of a bride falling down the stairs!

I think she's broken her leg!

Right. What are you doing?!

We're having a tech-free night.

What? What do you mean we're having a tech-free night?

Well, Jonathan doesn't want Spencer gaming all night,

so we are going to engage.

Engage?! Yeah!

Well, what are we going to do? Talk!

Oh, Christ.

DANCE MUSIC

Oh, God.

Hi, Keith. You made it!

Yeah. Um... Where is everybody?

Uh, not sure.

A bit patchy on numbers these nights,

but it only takes two to make a party!

I mean, people are turning up, aren't they?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure... Sure, sure, sure...

Hey, first round of sambucas on you.

Sambucas?

Sambucas!

Look, please, Claire.

ON PHONE: Well, I am actually on a night out myself.

With who?

Just... a friend.

Great. Well, while you're out with a friend,

I'm at Galactica with Keith from work,

and I don't think I'm going to make it out alive.

He's just ordered four sambucas, he's calling it warm-up drinks.

He sounds like a legend.

Well, he's not a legend. He's a prick.

We can swap if you want. KNOCK ON DOOR

There's actu... There's someone in here. Sorry.

There's actually someone in here.

Sorry.

Look, can you just call me and say it's an emergency or something?

Like, there's been a fire or... or a robbery.

Ask Dan.

Do you honestly think you're the first person I tried?

This way, please, madam.

OK, I tried Dan, she's not answering,

and I'd rather try Satan than try Courtney.

Please, Claire.

Why can't you just say you want to leave?

No, because I'm the only member of the group.

If I leave, the night ends.

You're asking someone who's so lacking in assertiveness

that you left him to go up to Keith and say,

"Look, mate, I know I've got no friends, but that's still better

"than your shit show of a night."

Right. OK, fine, fine. I'll do it.

Thank you so much. Uh... Ten minutes, yeah?

OK.

Justin.

My lady.

Wine?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was telling people in the regional meeting

most people still don't realise when there's street lighting, it's 30.

Yeah. No, it's, uh... it's bad.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, I've got a call. What...?

No, it's... I should... No. No. No.

Well, OK...

Rule one of lads' night - no women.

Well, I think I should probably call her back cos...

Second rule - no phones.

OK. What if we need to phone for a taxi?

Come here.

Come here.

I'll call you a taxi...

...at 6am.

Cos we're getting shitfaced.

SHE YAWNS

This is some tech-free fun we're having here.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Spence, are you OK? I'm fine.

It's just all my friends are making TikTok videos.

OK, well, why is that upsetting you?

They're all posting them tonight,

and if I don't do any, then I'll be left out at school tomorrow.

Well... what sort of videos?

Trick shots. What shots?

Is that like the one with the ping pong balls

where it bounces off all the different surfaces?

Yeah! Just like that.

We could totally do that. We could make one of those.

Can we? Totally!

Have we still got the ping pong balls

from the One Night In Bangkok party? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, we'll just, you know, get a bit of Dettol on them

and they'll be good to go. Great!

This is amazing!

Oh, hang on a minute.

About the whole tech-free thing...

Oh, well, I mean, it is for Spencer. Well, it is for Spencer.

Yeah, it's for Spencer. Are you sure?

Yeah! Yeah, it's fine, isn't it? Yeah, completely.

Yeah, well, you guys get on with that

and I'll just go do some work.

Right, OK, what shall we do? We need the dominos.

We've got the marble run there. The marble run would be good.

It should be an ice cube into lemonade,

and I can drink the lemonade!

Or vodka!

For me!

When my wife moved out, do you know what she called me?

Oh, no. No, I don't.

Boring.

Can you believe that?

No.

That's how it goes, innit?

You start out all silk stockings and enthusiasm...

...and end up alone

surrounded by empty Pot Noodles, in a bedsit...

...with holes in your pants.

Right! Now...

...are we going to hit a strip club or the casino?

Yeah. Um, well...

May I join you?

Oh... Hey, you're a right sort.

There you go! Move up, mate. Lady needs a seat.

A seat for the lady. Oh! Why, thank you, why, thank you.

Hey... can, um... we get you anything?

Wine? Prosecco?

Me?

I'm only joking!

But I am available.

OK. Well, uh...

...I was actually looking for a gentleman to buy me

a, uh... Long Island iced tea.

Well, I've got something long for you right here, baby.

What?! Don't talk to her like that, please, Keith.

Who rattled your cage?

She's not some sort of hooker.

Well, don't say hooker. No, I'm saying you're not a hooker.

No, it's sex worker.

Are you a sex worker? No. Oh, my God. No, she's not a sex worker.

She's a... She's a nice lady that we've just met. Yes.

A nice lady sex worker. No. I'm a nice... lady.

And this lady... says, forget the drink.

Come back to mine... now.

OK. That feels... It's unexpected.

Sudden, but... Yeah, it's really quick.

...but that's what I want to do, so...

OK, well... ..if you could... Yes.

I mean, it's quite unorthodox, but, yes, I accept your invitation

to your house, lady I just met.

Good cop, bad cop works again! Yeah. Great.

Hey...

Mm!

Do Speed Awareness proud, son.

Oh, my God. Yeah, all right. Thank you. See ya, Keith.

Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You just saved my arse. I'm so grateful.

You're welcome. No, like, honestly, thank you.

You were actually quite assertive in there.

You were! I know, I know.

I was actually excited myself.

AGGRESSIVELY: "Don't talk to her like that!"

Well, no, it wasn't... Yes, it was. It just took me over.

It was a bit more like,

"Um, don't talk to her like that, please. She's not a sex worker."

Like that. I don't sound like that.

"So, rein it in, mate." "Rein it in, mate."

You're getting very northern, aren't you? Have you been drinking?

Well, that sounded quite Jamaican, actually.

THEY LAUGH

But, yes, I have been drinking

because I'm going through a terrible break-up, Jonathan.

OK. It must be horrible. Well, come on, let's get you a taxi home.

It's the least I can do. No, we're not getting a taxi home!

No!

I've cut short my first night out in ages to save your arse

from that thing.

I think it might be nice if we go for another drink. OK.

And there's literally no-one else around, so...

Oh, well, thank you so much. What a lovely invite.

Yeah, I will come with you. Taxi!

"Taxi!"

You can't know what someone really means

if they're not in front of you.

SHE CHUCKLES

But who is ever really in front of you?

What? That doesn't even make sense.

SHE LAUGHS

Of course it doesn't.

Why does this bother you so much, Danielle?

Might it be because there are other issues that are troubling you?

No. I'm not talking about me.

SHE LAUGHS

Aren't you?

I mean, sometimes our words tell other people more than we know.

Yes.

Well, my words are telling you you can't treat someone

via fucking text.

SHE LAUGHS

OK, now we're getting somewhere.

Just think about it for a second, Danielle.

You reached out to me.

Like, there's got to be a reason for that.

What's the reason, Dan?

WHISPERS: What is it?

To tell you that you're full of shit.

And now I'll throw in there that you have a stupid laugh.

Oh! SHE LAUGHS

OK.

OK.

So, this is, um... nice, isn't it?

Two exes having a comfortable drink.

SHE LAUGHS It's nice.

It's fun. It is nice, yeah. Yeah. It's not awkward.

Some people would say it's awkward, but I don't think it is.

We could pretend we don't know each other, if you want,

if that makes you feel better.

All right.

Uh, that would actually be better for me. So, who would you be?

Uh, Yvette.

Yvette? Mm-hm. French?

Yeah. OK.

And who would I be?

You're, uh, Jean-Luc.

So, I'm French as well? Yeah?

Is that what you're saying?

I like it. Sh. I think it's good. OK.

Je t'aime, Yvette.

OK. First of all, you sound like a children's TV presenter.

Second of all, you just said you love Yvette.

No, my name is Yvette.

Yeah, but that's "je m'appelle".

Oh, fuck. Well, Yvette's quite thick.

Yeah. I mean, she's shit at languages, shit at her own language,

cos she's French,

but she hasn't yet worked out how to say, "My name is Yvette."

Poor Yvette.

Um...

Can I ask you something?

Oui.

Did you... leave me because I was boring?

I don't believe this.

You want to talk about things now? Now we're actually having fun?

Yeah, OK. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I thought you were going to say something sexy.

I could say something sexy now, if you want.

Go on, then. OK.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Oh...

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, hello, Yvette.

Oh, Jean-Luc's back.

Oh, I'm Jean-Luc.

Oh...

Oh, Yvette!

Allo...

Shall we just...? Yeah, OK. Shall we go? Yeah, let's go.

COURTNEY: Ready for this?

Go!

Good throw!

There we go. Here it comes.

Down the hatch.

Here we go! Here we go! Oh, my God! Here we go!

Going good so far! Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Oh... Oh, it's there. Oh, it's there.

Down it goes, down it goes.

It's almost there! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

Yes! Drink it!

It worked! We did it!

That was amazing! That's TikTok gold!

Let's watch it, let's watch it!

You're right.

You're right.

I think I do want kids,

but... I just feel like I'm wrong footing her, you know?

I did say that I don't want children,

and now if I open it up again, it's unfair.

This isn't a black and white thing, Dan.

You're allowed to change your mind,

especially with something as complicated as this.

Allow the flower of your thought process to open up.

Thank you.

Honestly, thank you so much.

SHE SNIFFLES

Oh...

PayPal tips are welcome, so...

This video is the best and you are literally the coolest kid I know.

I'm the only kid you know.

Yeah. Well, that's because all other the kids are rubbish,

so you haven't got anything to worry about.

You're the best, Auntie Courtney. I am the best, aren't I?

You make sure you tell your dad that.

You two are adorable, but it's bedtime, Spencer.

Got it. Night, mate. Goodnight.

So funny. You're really good with him.

What have you been doing tonight? I've been online.

Yeah, I thought I'd check out that text therapy Deana talked about.

How was it?

Yeah. I mean, I told her what I thought, gave her some constructive

criticism, and, yeah, I think she learned a few things.

That's great. Listen, you need to watch this TikTok video.

I want us to think about having a baby.

Oh, my God, we're...

...we're not seriously going to be having

this conversation again, are we?

Look, I know that I said I was happy not to have them, but... Oh, no...

...I just keep thinking about it.

Also, seeing the way that you are with Spencer.

No, yeah, do you know what? You're right, yeah.

One evening making TikTok videos,

and, yeah, I am now ready to have a baby.

Jesus Christ. I mean, is that

why you moved Jonathan and Spencer in here? To, like, soften me up?

Of course not! It's actually been on my mind for a while now.

Court, I just want to talk about the possibility.

But we have talked about the possibility.

We've talked about it endlessly. And then we made a decision.

But now it turns out that decision was just for that day

and, actually, what we need to do is just, like, keep on talking

about it until we both fucking die.

You always do this. You put your needs first,

you shut down any conversation.

What, I put my needs first?! Yes. Really? Yes.

I let you put my phone in the cupboard, for Christ's sake.

Oh! Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo!

Well, you've just, like, sprung this on me

and because I haven't, like, reacted the way you want me to react,

then, what, I'm, like, selfish or something?!

I don't want you to agree to having a baby.

I wanted you to agree to think about having a baby.

Big difference.

Where are you going? To Claire's.

So you can think about things for a little bit without me.

What, are you going to charge me 60 quid for that bit of advice?

Do you know what? Fuck off!

DOOR SLAMS

So, was that a question you asked because you were worried

about ending up alone?

I just wanted to know why you left me, you know?

Was I really that awful?

No! And it was me, too.

I just...

I couldn't carry on the way things were,

and I just... I couldn't see how they were ever going to change.

But you're a good man. You are.

I mean, you're a dickhead. Yeah, sure.

But, I mean, sometimes, especially on nights like tonight...

...I do wonder if...

...you're one of the only good guys around.

Goodnight.

OK. I'm going to go... I should get back. ..inside because...

I should get back. OK. ...I need to go inside...

Goodnight. ..cos that's where I live. So... Thanks for tonight.

I'll call you. Yeah. Call me and I'll receive the call and...

Yes. ..I'll respond. Bye.

Definitely.

MELANCHOLIC JAZZ

DOOR CLOSES

HE SIGHS

Oh, hi, Courtney. This... looks quite sad.

You all right? I don't want to talk about it.

Where's Dan?

She said she was going to stay at Claire's.

What, my Claire? Why?

Does "I don't want to talk about it" mean something different to you?

Well, did she say how long she's going to be staying at...?

Is she actually staying at Claire's? I don't want to talk about it.

All right, well... give it ten minutes?

Dad. What are you doing?

I was just checking in on you.

How was your evening?

Yeah, good.

I made a video with Courtney and some second hand ping pong balls,

so I won't lose any friends tomorrow.

Right. Have you been worrying about that?

Why?

You'll get upset.

I won't.

I was worried I'd end up like you.

Oh. JONATHAN CLEARS THROAT

Well, see, I'm not upset.

Look, you're not going to end up like me, OK?

I don't have any friends because I don't want any.

But I want to be like you in other ways, though.

Really? Like what?

Like... Like the fact that you're...

Like...

OK. This is taking way too long for it to mean anything.

Goodnight, mate. Dad...

...do you want to come in?

Yeah, all right. Just for a minute.

Oh... This is comfortable.

Shall I just stay here tonight?

I'd like that.

I should warn you, I've just had four pints of water, though,

so it's highly likely I'm going to wet myself.

If it starts to feel warm...

...get out.

♪ I know that I'm no Mr Perfect

♪ But I try

♪ Take my hand to Wonderland

♪ I'll be the man that you want me to be

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ To be, oh, oh

♪ To be here with you

♪ Yeah... ♪

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