Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

She should be here by now. Are you looking forward to going to Mum's?

Yeah, it's going to be amazing. It's not going to be amazing, is it?

You're going to stay at your mum's. Try again. Erm...

It'll be... good?

Yes! It's going to be absolutely good.

You're going to have an absolutely good time at your mum's.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, babes.

You're not, erm... You're not going out tonight, are you?

Well, I am, actually. I've got a work emergency. Emergency?

Well, not an emergency. Sort of urgent... situation.

I forgot I had the evening session today.

So not an emergency at all.

OK... What? Is there a problem? No, no, no, no.

It's just I've got loads of stuff on myself tonight. Oh, OK.

Are you all right with...? Yeah.

No, no. Sorry. No, ignore me. It's absolutely fine.

Come on, then, Spence. Let's go.

I'll drop him back at the usual time. Yeah, sure. Have fun.

Bye, Spence. Spence...

See you, Spence. You don't even have to look back, mate.

Just carry on walking.

You all right? Have a good weekend.

Get in the back.

Courtney, who was that bloke? Was that a cab? No.

Do you think Claire's hired a chauffeur? Mm, I doubt it,

unless he drives a shit Honda Civic.

Was he good looking, the driver? Yeah.

He was quite Ryan Gosling-y.

I didn't see him. Chill out, mate.

Maybe she's just getting a lift or something.

How much do you think I want to talk about this, out of ten?

I don't... Yeah, you are, you're allowed fractions.

Why are you being...? Oh, I know, it's date night.

It's date night. That's why you're getting all pass agg with no pass.

Don't worry, I'm going to shoot off in a bit.

This looks nice. Thanks.

So, what's your course?

All in good time. Don't look.

I'm not looking. It's a surprise.

We've got a long evening ahead.

I was thinking, right, maybe we could bring back Naked Thursdays.

Yeah, great idea. Remember those days? They were so good.

Oh, wait, but it's Monday and I'm going to be frying onions.

That's a fair point. I'm off!

I'll be back at... BOTH: Bye!

Don't worry, I'm picking up on the subtext.

He lingers, doesn't he? Yeah.

Bye. Bye, Jonathan. Bye. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

Erm, hi, Keith.

Hi, Jonathan. Ready for the 7:15 session? Yeah, yeah.

I was after a little favour, actually. I've got, erm...

Well, I've got a registration plate of a car.

I was wondering if you could help me identify the owner.

I can't do that, Jonathan, largely because we work in speed awareness

and this is not Line of Duty. No, I mean, I realise that.

I just wondered if you knew somebody or you had a contact or something.

Why are you asking anyway? Well, it's a bit stupid.

It's just, I saw Claire in a car with some bloke.

It's all right, mate.

Don't worry. I get it, yeah?

Sit down.

Sit. We're sitting?

Sit. Yeah, sure.

Oh, that's how it started with my Jenny.

We don't have to talk about this if you don't... If you don't want to.

I want to. OK.

I mean, once you've seen them together...

...you can't stop imagining it.

Picturing them doing all this stuff.

I'm not imagining them doing...

At least I wasn't until you started saying all that.

It's not like that, really. I mean, my son was with him.

That would be incredibly inappropriate, I think.

Your little lad Spence? Yeah.

That's the bit I never saw coming.

It's not even like I don't see my Carl, you know?

Just one day, before I knew it,

I was Daddy Keith

and he had a new Daddy Scott.

I think he just calls him Dad now.

In front of you?

That's bad, isn't it? Well, it feels a bit off.

Any idea where they went in the car?

Well, it's Claire's turn to have him,

so I imagine they went back to her place.

Mate, do you not know what can happen if you let this go?

Daddy Scott!

You've got to go there now.

I mean, put a stop to it before it's too late. Come on.

Go and see for yourself, for your own sanity.

But I've got a class. Forget about the class.

Family is more important and you're no use to me anyway

when you're in this state. I wasn't actually in a state.

I think you... Off you go, mate. Well done.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hey, mate. I was just checking you got to Mum's all right.

Yeah. We got a lift back with someone from her work.

Great, great. Well, that was nice of him.

Are you and Mum doing homework now?

Actually, she's still talking to him now.

What? He's still there?

What room are they in?

Erm, I don't know. Do you want me to go and find them?

Erm... No. No, of course not. No.

Love you. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Ooh, yeah!

Yeah? Yeah. You decided against Naked Thursday, though?

Well, I think if just one of us does it, it's called Awkward Thursday.

You look smokin'!

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm really looking forward to tonight.

It'll be a really nice time to chat about things.

What's that? A lamb keema. With raisins?

Yeah. You like raisins, don't you? Oh, my God, no. Not in curry.

That is absolutely rank.

Oh, my God, it's actually making me feel a bit... No, Dan, that is...

I feel like it's making me feel sick. I'm sorry.

Mm-mm. Yeah, it's going to be a really nice time.

Hiya, Claire... No, that's not...

Hiya... Ahem.

Hiya, Claire. Just dropping off Spencer's phone charger...

Just dropping off Spencer's telephone... No, not telephone.

Hey, Spen... No. Hi, Claire.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

FUMBLES WITH THE IGNITION

Come on.

What are you doing?

Do you know what,

I think I'm coming around to this raisin in curry thing.

See? Told you. Keeping an open mind helps, doesn't it?

I do have an open mind.

I just mean, you know, sometimes you think you might feel one way,

but then, actually, you might not.

What are you talking about?

I don't even know.

I think I'm drunk.

So, erm, what did you make for pudding?

Ice cream. So you didn't do dessert?

I thought you were going to showcase your inner Bake Off.

I don't actually have an inner Bake Off, really.

I mean, who could be arsed with that?

The other week, yeah, they had to make 12 identical Twixes.

I mean, who the fuck makes a Twix?

This time off work really seems to be chilling you out, doesn't it?

Sorry, but there is absolutely no chance that I'm spending two hours

making a Twix for Spencer every day.

Hold on, you buy Spencer a Twix every day?

No, we just, like, share a twin pack.

DANIELLE SIGHS

What? Nothing.

Don't make a big deal out of it. I mean, it's more for me anyway.

You know, because I get, like, low blood sugars and all that. Mm.

Courtney, do you... DOOR SLAMS

Honestly, don't mind me. I'm invisible. Is that a joke?

You're really not invisible, Jonathan.

Oh, my God, you've done a proper curry.

Have you done sides as well?

Erm, why aren't you at work?

Oh, Keith let me duck out. There was an issue with Claire.

Is she all right? Yeah.

But she got a lift home with some bloke from work. Oh, my God.

What a bitch.

Yeah, I know.

But I just wanted to sort of check and make sure everything was cool.

You went round?

Yeah, but I didn't go in.

I just watched the house from the car for a bit. That's creepy.

Honestly, it was all OK. Yeah, it is, unless she saw you.

What?

I don't think she would have seen me.

I mean, even if she did, you know, what's she looking at? Just...

...me staring at the house from the car. Mm.

Oh, my God. Is she going to think I'm pathetic? I don't know.

I think after all these years that's probably priced into

her opinion of you. Should I phone and find out?

Yeah, give her a ring. No, not her. I'm talking about Spencer.

Yeah, maybe you should make that call somewhere else,

in another room that's not here at our romantic meal.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm so sorry, Spence. Here's your juice.

Steve is just making us some tea and then after that

I promise you'll have total Mum time, OK? That's OK.

Can I tell you a little secret?

Go on.

Mummy is absolutely dreadful at paperwork.

But I think Steve said he's going to do it for me. Isn't that cheating?

No.

Well, yeah, sort of.

Never copy anyone's work, OK? Are we clear? Yeah.

OK. Love you.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Who is it? Dad.

Hi. Hey, mate. What are you up to?

Just doing some homework with Mum. Oh, great. Great.

Well, say hi for me.

But... But do it casual. Sort of like, "Hiya."

Dad says, "Hiya."

Erm, hiya.

So, erm, what's going on?

You and Mum going to watch a film or something, yeah?

I don't know. Steve's making tea at the minute.

Sorry? Steve's cooking? Yeah. I think he's making a curry.

A curry?!

What type? I don't know. It smells like the one you do.

Dad?

Are you there? Yes, I'm here. I just...

I just think curry's a bit much, isn't it?

Like, pasta, sure.

A tomato sauce, I totally get that.

Even a carbonara. You just whip it together, it's a ten-minute thing.

But a curry? Doesn't that seem insane?

I think it's just like a quick...

I mean, technically, they're still my spices.

That's my spice rack he's dipping into, do you know what I mean?

Not really.

Sorry, Spencer. I'm being silly.

It's just, I'm jealous that you get to have curry, that's all.

I'll, erm... I'll have to make my own now, you know, so, erm...

Dad, can we have your curry soon?

Thank you, Spence. Yes, of course we can have one of my curries.

Look, forget about me. You just have a lovely evening, OK?

Remember, though, if Steve's curry's horrible,

you don't have to eat it, OK? Got it. Bye, Dad. All right. Bye...

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Why did you say that?

Admit it. I mean, we were actually having fun, weren't we?

It was like the old days. By old days, you mean...?

Yeah. Before we were forced to live with Sad Sack.

Do you know what, I think it might be time for pudding.

Oh, I forgot, the ice cream you put so much effort into buying.

Magnums?! You knows it.

I was thinking maybe we could take these Magnums to the bedroom and...

Honestly, I'm not here. Just very quickly answer me this.

You've just had a date night, right? No, we're having a date night.

Right, exactly. But... But you made a curry, OK?

A curry is a date night level of preparation, isn't it?

We have curry all the time.

OK, but you would agree that making a curry

signals a certain, erm, intent.

I was trying to signal an intent.

Courtney, could just focus for a second?

So Steve is making Claire a curry.

Am I overreacting?

Well, Claire is very attractive.

I would. So I'm not overreacting?

Yeah, well, it's been a few months. She's single and ready to mingle.

I need to make another phone call.

Although I don't approve of you messing with the mental wellbeing

of my brother, that was exceptionally well played.

Yeah, well, he's still here, though, isn't he?

Yeah.

VIDEO GAME SOUNDS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hey, big guy. What's going on now?

Well, I'm just in the kitchen with Mum and Steve about to have tea.

Right. Erm, do you want to maybe move into the hallway?

Because I can't really hear you.

I think the signal might be a bit better there.

Who is it? Dad.

Can you hurry up? It's nearly ready.

Mum says to be quick though. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Steve, it smells amazing.

I'm just trying to, erm...

I'm just trying wrap my brain as to who Steve from work is.

What does he... What does he look like? I don't know.

Well, do you want to, erm...

Do you want to maybe have a look through the door

and sort of describe him to me?

But don't let them see that you're looking. You want me to spy?

Yeah, but, you know, in a fun way. A fun spy?

Yeah. Like a fun spy doing me a special report on Steve.

Like, erm... Is he tall?

I guess he's tall.

Right. And how old is he?

Dunno.

Gingerly. Not too much!

About your age. OK.

And would you say he's good looking?

What's good looking?

Is he nice?

Yeah, he's nice. Right.

Does Mum seem to like him? I think so.

Argh! THEY LAUGH

These onions are making my eyes water.

She laughs at his jokes.

Oh, God.

Look, erm, Spencer, I just want you to know

that I will always be your dad, whatever happens, OK?

Why wouldn't you be?

I will be. I don't get it.

It's just that sometimes, you know, people growing up, they...

They have a mum and dad and then they have other mums and dads.

You know? There's an African proverb -

it takes a village to raise a child. I'm going to live in a village?

No, you're not going to live in a village.

You're going to live with me. That's what I'm saying.

I'll always be there for you. I don't want you to worry.

I wasn't worried. Spence!

I have to go, Dad. Steve's laying out the curries.

Curries?! Plural?

Let's chat later. But remember, I'll always be your dad and not Steve.

HE SIGHS

WHISTLE

CHEERING

Great goal, Spence.

Spence!

Great goal, Spence. Let's go and make a curry.

Spencer!

I love you, Dad.

DISTORTED: Spencer!

Hey, Spencer.

Curry a la Steve.

That's Dad's mug. Steve's just borrowing it, Spence.

Tuck in.

That's Dad's old chair.

Come on, Spence. I could sit on the floor if you like.

I lived in Japan for five years

and they say it's actually better for the digestion.

CLAIRE CHUCKLES

Spence is just joking, aren't you, Spence?

Good one.

I promise we'll have fun later, OK?

How about after tea, as a special treat,

I let you play your computer again while we do our work?

So you like the computer games, eh?

Well, when we're done, you could show me the coolest ones, eh?

What is it? Game Boys? Yeah?

Pokemon? Something like that?

Hmm? Minions?

Minions? Minions, yeah.

I've been hearing a lot about Ariana Grande. Is that a thing?

I need to go to the toilet. I'll take that as a yes.

How's the curry? Yeah, it's... It's delicious.

I say curry - curry isn't really a thing.

It's actually... It's a catch-all term for various different, erm,

cuisines from all over the Indian subcontinent.

Do you have the July projected? Yeah. Scroll to the right.

Court, erm... There's something that I wanted to talk to you about.

There's really no point. He's going to be back in a second.

You're not going to believe this. He's not just doing her a curry,

he's doing a full fucking set menu.

He's probably handing her a hot, moist towelette as we speak.

You need to calm down. Stop catastrophizing it, all right?

Maybe he's just an amazing fuck buddy.

The thought of Claire having sex with other men doesn't bother me.

It bothers me a little bit. It makes me feel a bit sicky in my mouth.

I'm actually thinking about Spencer. What do you mean, Spencer?

What if Claire meets someone, settles down in this new family unit

with a role model for Spencer that's better than this absolute shambles?

Hang on a minute, Spencer has already got enough parents.

I mean, he's got you, Claire, Dan, me.

Yeah, and what if he wants to go and live with Super Dad?

That's not going to happen, is it? I mean, who even is he?

That's the point, isn't it? I have no clue.

Well, you need to go and find out. Don't you stand there.

We can't just leave Spencer with some old man. I mean, men are awful.

All right, this is all going a bit too far, I think. What can I do?

Put your big boy pants on, go round there and check him out.

This is mental. Really? Yes, that's what you need to do, Jonathan. Go.

All right. I'll be back in a bit.

Courtney, did you just say that you were one of Spencer's parents?

No. I was just trying to get rid of him.

Mm.

So you just take off the actual cost from the projected.

It's where you find the difference. You move it into this third column.

You're a bit of a hero, aren't you, Steve? It's just a cost report.

Yeah, but you know what they say, it's the way you do 'em.

Oh, hey, Scott.

Oh, is it Steve? Whatever!

Have you not got any kids of your own?

Is that why you decided to come and steal one of mine?

Claire, I know you're only being nice so I get this report done.

Oh, that's...

That's not why.

I like you. I... I think you're great.

Sure.

And then I'll do the cost report and then I'll go back to

being alone, just practising my curry recipes.

No.

No, that's...

I... I'll definitely talk to you...

We've got... We'll have so much to talk about anyway now because...

All the curry and...

Don't be on your own.

I'm going to, erm... I'm just going to check on Spencer.

Cool.

Oh, yeah, have I introduced you to my friend Crumble?

That's Crumble and your face is Custard.

What does that even mean?

Huh? You mug!

You... What's that, Steve?

Do you want some tea putting in you? Cos you're a mug!

Huh?

I'll take your handle and smash it off you,

then smash the rest of you to the floor.

And there'll be...

...tea everywhere. Prick!

Come on, Jonathan. You've got this.

You can do it. You've got this, mate.

You've got this.

Absolutely not. You don't have this at all.

Spence!

I'm finished.

Spence!

Spencer, answer me...

Spence?

Spencer, where are you?

Spence, are you...? Are you in here?

Spencer! OK, this isn't funny.

Spence!

Spencer!

Spencer, come out right now!

Steve, I can't find Spencer. Spencer!

Steve, I still can't find him.

Will you stop looking in fucking drawers, Steve?! He's not a mouse!

Righto, yeah, fair cop, fair cop. Erm...

Maybe you should call Jonathan. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah.

Jonathan, are you with Spencer?

He's gone missing.

I need you to come over... Yes, now, please!

DOOR CLOSES Spencer?

How did you...? I just happened to be passing.

I don't care. I'm just glad you're here.

I can't find him anywhere, Jonathan. What have I done?

Look, don't worry. Have you checked the bedroom?

Oh, no! I didn't think to check the bedrooms!

OK. What about the safe place?

The safe place? Yeah. It's possible you don't know about the safe place.

It's just this place he goes to shut out the world when he's feeling...

Well, where is it?! I'll show you. I'll show you.

Spencer? Spencer, you in here, mate?

Dad? Spencer.

Oh, thank God. Spencer, I was so worried.

What are you doing hiding in a cupboard?

I don't want Steve to be my dad.

What?! What are you talking about?

I may have projected a little.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Steve is not going to replace your dad, OK?

We - by we, I mean your dad - should not have made you worry.

I didn't mean to scare you. Oh, it's all right.

Why would you hide in the cupboard?

Dad used to.

No, he didn't.

Did you?

Oh! Just to clarify, it was only now and again, you know,

when I wanted a bit of peace and quiet, and you sort of sit there

and you think... You just want to shut the...

Oh. God.

Spence, you're not me. Thank God!

Thank you.

Spence, you don't need to hide in a cupboard. Remember what I told you.

You're a superhero.

Sorry to interrupt. Feels like a bit of a family moment.

You're Steve? As I live and breathe. Right.

OK. Erm, well, sorry about all this. You know what kids are like.

No.

I live alone. Oh, OK. Yeah.

I'll leave you to it. Catch you tomorrow.

I've finished that report. Oh, thanks, Steve.

Thanks. Nice to meet you, mate.

Good bloke, that Steve.

This is nice. I know.

Who'd have thought it would be more romantic without your brother here?

Sorry. What? What's the matter?

I can't stop thinking about Spencer.

Oh, God! Yeah, I know.

You know how to kill a mood. I just hope he's OK.

You really care about him, don't you? No.

Yeah. I mean, a bit.

So, I was thinking, and I know that we said that they weren't for us,

but how would you feel if we had...

...a dog? for Spencer?

No, for me and you. Something we could love and look after together.

Seriously?

Yeah.

I fucking hate dogs. They shit everywhere.

Goodnight, Courtney.

What?

That's it? Yeah. Are we going to go sleep now? Mm-hm.

I'm not thinking about Spencer any more.

So, erm...

...what were you doing loitering outside my house?

Well, technically our house, but, erm...

...to be honest, I was worried about you.

You seemed a bit flustered when you dropped Spence off earlier.

Oh, really? You picked up on that? Don't be so surprised.

Well, yeah, I mean, to be honest, I am sort of struggling a bit.

I'm just absolutely drowning in work and I just...

I had this big report today before my week with Spence

and I just basically tried combining the two

and it was a total disaster.

I don't know, I just feel like I can't balance things

and I'm just letting him down, but...

I don't know, everything's just been so much harder since...

You know. Yeah, I know.

But, look, we can... We can work it out.

We can work out times that suit you better. It's fine. Thank you.

But don't think I've forgotten the fact that our son was just hiding

in a cupboard shouting, "I don't want Steve to be my dad."

I know you were jealous.

Well, to be fair, at that point, I didn't know what he looked like.

I don't mean it like that. He seemed like a very nice guy, but just...

We're operating at the same kind of level, aren't we? Kind of un...

Fuckable?

Unthreatening. Unthreatening. No, no, unthreatening is...

Yeah. Yes, that's right. That's right, too.

They both work, don't they?

One of them is a lot more horrible than the other.

But the point is, if you want to know about my love life,

I'd rather you just asked me.

Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry.

So what is going on with your love life? None of your business.

My love life is none of your business. You haven't got a love life. Dan told me.

She's got a big mouth for a therapist, hasn't she, my sister?

Am I forgiven? You're an idiot.

I suppose it was quite sweet that you were jealous of Steve.

Although wrong, because we're not together any more.

No, sure. Sure. Yeah.

I'm going to go check on Spence.

This curry really is incredible. Yeah, it's absolutely delicious.

I think I'm actually going to miss it more than I will do Spencer.

Hey, mate. Mum's going to come up and read to you in a minute

but I just thought I'd come and say goodnight.

Is everything all right with you and Mum and Steve?

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about all that drama and silliness.

It's all my fault.

Well, 98% my fault.

I could have done with slightly better intel on Steve.

You had me thinking that Mum had Idris Elba round.

Sorry about telling Mum about the cupboard.

Don't worry about it, OK? The good thing about low self-esteem,

there's less embarrassment.

Goodnight, mate.

Dad. Yeah?

Steve was a total nerd and I absolutely hated his curry.

The curry was incredible, wasn't it? Best thing I've ever tasted.

OK. Goodnight.

♪ All the snow has turned to water

♪ Christmas days have come and gone

♪ Broken toys and faded colours

♪ Are all that's left to linger on... ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0