Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

OK. So this is a truth ball.

OK, the last thing she needs is a truth ball.

Let me explain, OK?

Jonathan is going to be staying here for a while, so I thought

it would be a great idea to thrash out any issues we might have.

OK. Well, I have an issue with doing this whole truth ball thing.

Yes, we could always not do the truth ball exercise

and move out right now.

I'm on board. Thank you.

Right, I'll start.

Courtney, I think you haven't made enough of an effort with my brother,

and that not only shows a lack of empathy for him,

but for me also. Strong agree.

Whereas, Jonathan, you don't seem to want to find a place to live

with any urgency, which I find inconsiderate.

Strong agree!

OK, well, I guess I haven't properly been looking

for a place of my own

because I found it difficult to fully accept my situation.

Also, because I've been worried

about finding a place that's good enough for Spencer, so...

Thank you.

So...

...I had always envisaged a life

that was pretty much man-free, and I had that life.

I lived with somebody who I love more than anyone in the world,

and my life was wonderful.

But now I find myself in a situation where I'm living with you two,

and it's awful.

I like Spencer, actually.

But your inability to stand up for yourself

and get a grip of your situation makes it incredibly difficult for me

to have respect for you or anything about you.

Also, I worry about Spencer having you as a parent,

and you smell weird... OK. ...which...

Thank you.

Thanks for that, Dan, I feel a lot better.

You don't happen to have

a "keep the truth to your fucking self" ball knocking about, do you?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hello, come in.

Nice to see you. Did you two have a good weekend?

Yeah. See you later, Mum, bye! OK, bye, sweetie. Be good!

Cheers.

Erm, do you mind if I just... Yeah, sure, yeah.

...have a word? Thanks.

Was he OK? Yeah, he was fine.

Actually, he was saying he wants to audition for Cats.

What, the musical? No, no, no,

he actually wants to audition to become a cat.

I mean, obviously, there'll be surgery.

He cannot do a musical. Why not?

Because it will make him a social outcast.

Bit of an overreaction, don't you think?

I actually think you might be underreacting.

Well, I actually think this is really good for him.

He's struggling with the split.

He told me he's still sleeping in the office. He's in a bed,

he's not sleeping in a filing cabinet.

He likes being in an office... slash-bedroom,

he says it adds to the fun of it.

Does he? He likes looking at the office...

I just wonder if we should just have a conversation, maybe,

about him spending a bit more time with me, at mine,

just until you've sorted out a place of your own.

I don't think it's... I mean, I just don't think that's necessary.

If you're worried about talking to Spencer,

I can just talk to him, it's not a problem.

Well, no, you don't have to do that, because...

Because?

Because I've actually found a place.

Have you?

Yeah. Well, Spencer didn't say anything.

Well, Spencer doesn't know. I was going to surprise him

with the news now, as a thing, but...

Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh, OK, that's great!

Where are you moving?

Just down the road, actually. It's a nice place.

It's a nice office for Spencer to sleep in.

Amazing, Jonathan! Yeah, thanks.

When are you moving in?

Yeah, well, we'll be there

when you come to pick Spencer up next. Brilliant! Right,

well, will you text me the address? I'll just see you there, then.

Yeah. See you where?

Erm, we're moving. Are we?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was actually supposed to be a surprise,

but your mum gave it away.

We are still going out for lunch, right?

Yeah, we're not moving before lunch.

Can Mum come, too? Erm... I can't.

No, you can't.

No, because I've got loads of boring work to do, so...

That's a shame, that's a real shame. Yeah. OK, all right. All right.

See you later, Spencer. Bye.

Seriously, well done on the flat. That is... it's amazing.

Yeah. Thanks.

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, God, this salad bar makes me feel sick.

Looks like it's been sat there all day.

Dad, when are we going to see the new flat? What new flat?

Spencer, would you mind getting some coleslaw from the salad bar, please?

Did he say he's getting a new flat?

We HAVE paid for it, you're not stealing.

Jonathan! This is actually amazing news.

I mean, I am actually the first person to admit when I'm wrong.

You found a place. I am so impressed!

OK, I actually just made that up to stop Claire worrying about Spencer.

Right, yeah, no, that makes more sense, of course you did.

Yeah, no, that was my fault for believing in you.

Why the hell did you do that? What's wrong with you?

I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't want Claire to stop letting Spencer stay with me.

Did you think about saying,

"I don't want you to stop letting Spencer stay with me" out loud?

I mean, instead of inventing a property -

that's what a mental person would do. Do you know something?

It actually blows my mind that you work in therapy,

do you know that, Dan? Ta-da!

That's great, thank you.

Really well done.

Do you mind topping that up a bit,

cos it's a bit of a kids' portion, that. Thank you.

Cheers, mate. OK, it's done now, isn't it, so what the hell do I do?

You phone up Claire, and you tell her that you lied about the flat.

OK, and what if I absolutely don't want to do that?

Well, then, tell her the flat fell through.

Then she'll know I was lying, and then it'd be impossible

to convince her to let Spencer stay with me more.

Well, how about you come up with a solution to the problem

that was completely your doing?

OK, well, that's not massively helpful, is it?

Is this enough?

Well, it's a lot. But, do you know,

would you mind adding some sweetcorn to that, cos...?

Dad, I'm just going to stand by the salad bar,

and you can call me when you're done talking.

OK, great, thank you.

Smart. He's much cleverer than his father. Mm.

"He's much cleverer than his father." I'm sorry. Hang on,

did you even think about Spencer in all of this?

He's going through his parents' split,

and now he's going to work out that all this was bullshit.

I mean, it would literally crush him.

Hang on a minute. When is Claire coming to pick up Spencer?

Friday. Right, so that gives us Monday, Tuesday, Wed...

That gives us four days to find you a flat.

Yeah, it's not actually possible, is it?

I just think if you've got enough focus and determination,

you can achieve anything. Are you being sarcastic?

No. I just really, really, really want you to move out of our house.

Have you got the truth ball in your pocket or something?

No. It's all me.

How come you're coming to school, today, Auntie Courtney?

Erm, just because me and mean your dad are going to hang out, so...

Really? Yeah. Why?

Because you find Dad really annoying and hate him. I don't hate him...

...I just haven't spent a lot of time with him,

that's why we're hanging out today.

I once heard you saying to Auntie Dan that you once stepped in dog poo

in your favourite shoes, and you'd rather that happened 1,000 times

than see Dad on your sofa again.

But you didn't say "poo". Oh, what a lovely story. Actually, I think

you've probably heard that out of context.

I think what I was doing was, I was telling a joke,

but, erm... because...

Sorry, it's too much effort.

I did say that. Erm, Spencer,

Mum says you want to audition for Cats?

Yeah, why? Oh, no reason, no,

I was just wondering, are any of your friends auditioning?

I don't think so.

Do they know that YOU'RE auditioning? No.

Oh, OK. Do you know sort of what your friends sort of think

about the idea or what they might think

about the idea of you auditioning for Cats?

Dad, what is going on? Nothing's going on,

I was just showing an interest, you know? All good, all good,

really happy. Have a great day!

OK. OK. See ya. See ya. Bye, Auntie Courtney. See you later, mate!

See you, mate! Wow! He's incredibly subtle.

He cannot do a musical.

Why not? I think it'd be cool.

Really? Cos I thought that when I was his age,

and then I auditioned for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,

and I became the least popular kid in school.

I played the Pharaoh, and I was brilliant.

A lot of people said I should have been Joseph. Well, my mum said that.

I think if you tell the story again,

you should leave that detail out.

Yeah, well, some kids said I was great and they invited me

to perform at a party.

They asked me to do Song of the King.

I turned up in full costume, got two lines in, and it turns out

it was a massive prank.

They pelted me with chicken nuggets, after they dipped them in ketchup.

Wow. Well, maybe, you know, don't let something that happened to you

stop your son from being happy.

Well, while we're handing out advice, maybe try not comparing me

to dog shit when my son's in earshot?

Well, maybe try and stop being shit all the time? Wow.

I was a bit worried that you're going to find this weird now.

No, of course not, not in the slightest.

We're mates. I actually can't wait to tell him we've met up.

SHE CHUCKLES

Has it been OK?

Well, I mean, obviously, Courtney still thinks Jonathan's awful,

but she's really been getting on with Spencer.

It's nice. It's actually... it's actually made me wonder, you know?

You are not going to say what I think you are?

I know we said we wouldn't have kids,

I don't want to bring it up.

I don't. It's just really nice to see Courtney and Spencer

having fun together, you know?

Courtney enjoying the company of a kid?

Now that's two people that have surprised me. What?

Jonathan and Courtney. Why Jonathan?

Well, because he's found himself a place.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was really worried when we split up that he wasn't going to,

you know, pull himself together. I mean,

I know, obviously, he's great with Spencer,

but I don't know this move, it's just made me think

he's being an adult, you know, stepping up, he's doing stuff.

Don't you think? Mm!

I think it's pretty impressive, actually. Yeah, it is. It is.

Have you seen it? What? The place.

No, no, no. Have you?

No, no. He said it's just down the road from you. Is it?

Well, that's great. No, no, I'm not...

Where are the toilets, actually?

Jesus Christ!

Why didn't you tell them that you didn't want ham?

Because I don't want to make a fuss, I can just pull it out.

Nah, fuck that.

You're going to complain. What...?

Excuse me? Hi. Can I help?

Yes, you can. My friend's got an issue.

All right, what's the problem?

There is no problem, it's fine. Thank you so much. It's not fine.

It's fine, there's no problem. There IS a problem, isn't there?

There's no problem. There IS a problem, Jonathan, you're going

to speak to the lady about it, OK? Be a big, brave boy.

Right, well, I actually wanted a cheese toastie without ham,

and this cheese toastie does have ham. it's with ham.

And some people like ham, and, you know, that's fine,

I'm not saying that ham itself is an issue, but for me, personally,

I like the cheese and the toastie but not the ham bit, so...

I can't remember exactly what I ordered, I might have ordered

a cheese and ham toastie.

Do you want another sandwich? If that's OK, yeah.

It actually felt pretty good.

Well, I'm glad, because it was absolutely revolting to watch.

Oh, thank you so much. Well, where are we at with these properties?

Cos I've got nothing so far.

Well, I'm not using a newspaper because it's not 1985,

and I've actually got us some viewings online.

Great. When? We're going to go now.

Now? Isn't it a bit soon? No, it's not too soon

because you've got three days, Jonathan.

And ideally, I would like you packed and out by tonight.

Oh, that's lovely. Why don' we order a toastie if we're going?

Well, it's principle, isn't it?

Can't let yourself be taken advantage of.

Oh, no, you're right. I'm so glad

that instead of having a sandwich I had to slightly adjust,

I've got no sandwich at all, I feel really powerful.

In you come.

Get rid of that.

And that will be gone.

Here it is. Come on, in you come.

Have a little look around, I'll be back in a minute.

Thank you.

This is nice.

You really think so? Mm! It's nice.

Can you smell something? No, I can't smell anything.

Can you see me and Spencer living here, then?

Yeah. Yeah, sure, I can, yeah.

I just think a little bit of TLC, open a window,

spray something nice, it'll be nice.

I can really see you and Spencer being very happy here, actually,

I think it's... Honest, though.

Excuse me, mate. What do I need in order to take this place?

Well, I've had a lot of interest in this property,

so you'd need to give me a deposit straight away.

So what is that, like a month's rent or something?

Typically, it would be, but for a property as in demand as this one,

I'm going to need the deposit plus two months' rent, upfront.

Right, two months' rent.

Can you do that? Erm... yeah,

OK. Oh, fucking hell, oh, my God,

sorry, I can't actually let you do this.

Jesus Christ, Jonathan. This place is an absolute shithole.

What is wrong with you?

You said it was... And as for you!

How dare you pretend that you've got demand for this absolute crack den?

Do you know what, you should be apologising to us

for even showing us something of this disgusting standard,

and then acting like we have to prove ourselves to you?

Come on, Jonathan, we're leaving.

HE MOUTHS

HE SIGHS

One day down and nothing. I'm fucked. You are not.

You just need to make tomorrow count. Prepare properly.

Why do I need to prepare to view a flat?

Because this isn't just about you moving out, Jonathan,

it's about you not being walked over and relying on me and Dan

to save you all the time.

I don't think I was that bad. All right, come on.

Let's pretend that you are coming to view a flat, all right?

Make me an offer. Do we have to do this? On your feet!

Erm, I like this flat.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Why are you making that noise?

You never say that you like it.

You do NOT like it. Try again. Erm, OK.

Erm, I really don't like this flat, but I'd like to take it.

OK. Well, it's £1,200 per calendar month.

Erm, OK, great. Well... SHE IMITATES BUZZER

No! You don't just accept the first offer.

I mean, what would be the point in saying that you didn't like it?

Why do you keep making the noise from Family Fortunes...?

SHE IMITATES BUZZER Try again.

HE SIGHS OK, fine. I'll pay half.

You having a laugh, mate?

We've got two other offers. I don't really...

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

No! I am an estate agent, therefore I am lying, all right?

Estate agents never tell the truth.

OK, I think you're going a bit far... Oh, my God, just forget it!

Don't you mean... HE IMITATES BUZZER

...forget it?

No, I don't mean that, Jonathan,

otherwise I would have made the noise. Hi, Dan.

Hi. You all right? Yeah.

Your brother is so shit at negotiating.

Dan, can I ask your opinion on something? Mm?

What do you honestly think about Spencer auditioning for Cats?

Apart from the fact I'd rather watch actual cats die than a musical,

I think it's great.

You all right? Yeah. Why?

Well, I'm just worried about

the effect it might have on him socially. Mm.

Well, look, what you have to think is, if Spencer does the show,

would he ever be stupid enough to believe

that someone would want to see him perform in character at a party?

THEY LAUGH

HE MOCKS THEIR LAUGHTER

I saw Claire today. Excuse me? Aren't you meant to be on my side?

I AM on your side. But if you think I'm not,

I mean, we could always switch.

Claire could move in here,

and then you and me could have occasional coffees.

Not a bad idea. Yeah, fair point.

What did she say?

Actually, she said that you moving out was a big deal.

It means that you're becoming a functioning adult.

Well, that's amazing, isn't it?

I was just saying that this situation

could do with a bit more pressure.

HE IMITATES BUZZER

You're such a child.

JEERING

Stop it, please!

I'm just going to sing! JEERING CONTINUES

ENOUGH!

I'm coming, Spencer!

MUSIC: Can You Get To That by Funkadelic

He's been through a lot, OK?

THEY JEER AND BOO

When are we going to move?

What? You told Mum she'd be picking me up from the new place.

Aren't we going to move in soon?

Erm, yeah, it's just, these things are quite complicated.

It's just that we're waiting on the paperwork,

which should get sorted today, hopefully.

What will it look like? Will I have my own bedroom?

Will there be a spare room for mum or Auntie Dan and Courtney?

Is it close to where we are now?

OK, what are you - an estate agent?

What do you think about this audition?

Are you worried about that at all? A bit.

But it's something I really want to do.

For the first time since you and Mum split up,

I've actually felt excited about something,

so I don't care if some kids tease me.

Do you know what, you're right, mate,

you are absolutely right.

You should never let your friends press you

into being something other than you are.

So I want you to go into that audition,

I want you to ignore anyone who doubts you,

and I want you to be the best ruddy cat

that anyone's ever seen

in the history of cats taking part in musicals, all right?

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, mate.

Thank you. DOOR SHUTS

Nice and spacious.

Take your time, have a look. Thank you.

Hmm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, do we like it? Well, you know, I kind of have no choice, do I?

Because it's the last one, and if I don't like this one,

I have to tell my ex and child that the entire thing was a fabrication.

But, do you know what, I actually think it's great.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Like we rehearsed last night, you're going to negotiate, OK?

Yeah, OK.

OK, are you ready? You've got this.

OK, it's a bit of a patronising... Just do it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Hi, mate, what's the rent on this?

Oh, well, it's 1,700 per calendar month all in,

and we'd need one month's rent as a deposit upfront.

Right. OK, thank you.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER Thanks. "Thank you," and...?

Oh, and, erm, is that the best you can do on the rent?

Is that the best?

Yeah, 'fraid so.

OK. Great, thanks,

you've been very clear, thank you. SHE IMITATES BUZZER

What? Ask for 1,200.

What if I said £1,200?

What if I said £1,200 a month, please?

Erm, I'm afraid there's no movement on the rent, so... There is.

There is.

There is movement. There's movement, yeah.

I think it moves. There isn't. There isn't movement, so...

There's movement. You've got to give us something.

You've got to give us movement, you've got to give us something.

I'm afraid there really isn't,

because, I mean, I've got, like,

three other people coming to look at this flat

straight after you, so, you know...

SHE WHISPERS

Do you know what, cut the bullshit. Excuse me?

You heard me. Cut the bullshit, OK?

You and I both know, and she knows as well,

you don't have three people lined up to look at this flat, OK?

You've got a bird in the hand here,

don't sacrifice it for three imaginary birds in a bush

that doesn't exist.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just...

No, no, no, don't "sorry" me.

Let me be very clear, I think you're lying.

You're a liar, all right?

And now you've got a situation where somebody wants to take the flat,

and we know that you don't have three people lined up, do you?

Well, I... Do you? Do you? Do you have three people?

You don't have three people, you know you don't. Do you? Do you?

I'm not going into this. Do you? This is ridiculous. Do you? Do you?

Do you? Do you? This is childish, I'm sorry...

Do you? Do you? OK!

OK! The truth is, we don't have three people lined up

to take this property... Thought so.

...but what we have is a list of what we consider rental red flags,

and you have just contravened about five of them, so...

No, no, I was... No!

I'm afraid to say, as a result, Mitchell and Sons,

as a company, will not be renting to you. Please leave.

I mean, that's it, isn't it? It's over. Fucked it.

And Claire is going to be expecting

to pick Spencer up from our new place tomorrow.

How the hell have I let this happen?

You could always tell Claire to stick it.

Yeah, well, I'm not really in the mood

to take your strategy advice, if that's all right.

Yeah, well, I was just trying to help. I am so sorry.

This wasn't just about me trying to get you out of our house.

I do genuinely care. And you, you really stood up to that guy.

It's not your fault.

I shouldn't have lied to Claire...

...and Spencer.

But now I'm going to have to tell him that the whole flat was made up,

his dad's a liar,

and he's probably going to tell his mum

she's better off finding someone new.

Better?

A little bit.

DOOR OPENS Hi. You all right?

Yep.

How was it?

Erm, well...

You know... there wasn't really anything good enough, was there?

But Jonathan, he did really well, so...

Thanks for getting Spencer. Is he OK?

He's not in a good mood.

Oh. Yeah, he... I sucked.

What? I psyched myself up,

I prepared, my friends even wished me good luck.

And then I sucked. I'm sure you didn't suck, mate,

just wait and see what they say. I didn't get the part.

They told me straight away. Oh, God, really?

They said that I could be a stagehand,

and I thought that meant a part in Cats,

but it turns out they meant an actual stagehand.

Oh, my God, mate, I'm so sorry.

OK, so I know what we're going to do.

Firstly, can I just say congratulations? For what?

You just got into Cats, the home version,

and your dad is going to go and sort out some theatre snacks.

We're going to go and prepare,

and then we're going to come back through here,

and then we are going to perform Cats, the musical,

live from your living room. OK. Yeah? See? Come on!

We're going to go and prepare and you're going to be amazing.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

What the hell are theatre snacks?

MUSIC: Oogum Boogum Song by Brenton Wood

THEY CHEER

Brilliant! Brilliant!

Yeah!

Woo! Right, we've got to go and de-cat now.

That was brilliant, well done!

Woo! Yes! Well done, mate!

Great. OK, so he's actually shit.

Now you've said it, yeah, he's not great.

I'd honestly prefer just watching this blanket.

SHE LAUGHS

You do need to talk to him about the flat, though.

Christ, what am I going to say?

All right? Got you some water.

Hi, Dad.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Listen, I, erm, I need to talk to you about our living situation.

Me, too.

Really? Why, what's up?

Look, I've been meaning to say,

I don't want to leave... Don't you? No offence,

It's just been really nice getting to know Auntie Dan

and Auntie Courtney. Right.

OK. Are you annoyed?

No, of course not. OK, well, look,

if you do want to stay here, what I'm going to need you to do

is put on your cutest face.

Yeah, that's the one.

And I need you to beg your aunties to let us stay here longer.

I can do that. OK, good.

And then I need you to reapply your cutest face and tell your mum

that you're happy staying here,

because I've got to be honest, I think she's a little bit worried

that an office doesn't make a great bedroom. OK.

Will it be difficult to cancel the flat, Dad?

Do you know what, I think it will probably be all right.

Look, don't worry about it,

I'll sort it, OK? Thanks, Dad, you're the best.

All right. Do you know what, I absolutely am the best,

you're right. Well done.

Dad, what did you think of my performance?

Yeah, it was really good.

Can you sing? Well, I mean, I haven't sung for a long time...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ha.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

♪ I closed my eyes

♪ Drew back the curtain

♪ To see for certain

♪ What I thought I knew

♪ Far, far away

♪ Someone was weeping

♪ But the world was sleeping

♪ Any dream will do. ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0