Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Can you remember pre-Jonathan evenings

when we used to drink wine and have meaningful conversations?

Spencer's coming later.

He's just trying to replicate Claire's chilli con carne.

It's quite sweet, really.

Sweet?

Sweet?

That got my eye.

Look at it.

LOOK at it.

JONATHAN YELPS

JONATHAN GASPS

Wow.

Hello, mate. So good to have you back!

You good?

HE KISSES HIM

How are you? All right? I'm fine.

Oh. Well, do you want a bit of good news?

Bought a load of comic books.

We can have a little read together. I'll do all the voices.

I think I want to go straight to bed. Oh.

OK, bye, Spence. OK.

I'll take your suitcase, mate.

Ahem.

He's been a bit off this week.

I tried talking to him, but I don't really know what to do,

to be honest.

Well, we could get back together.

Look, just let him have a little sleep.

Don't worry about it, OK? I'll cheer him up.

Oh, you'll cheer him up? All right, OK.

That's a good idea. I didn't think about cheering him up.

Great. Going to do all your little voices? Your comics?

Cos it seemed like he really wanted you to do that.

It seems like he... He actually enjoys the little voices

cos I bring the characters to life and do all the different...

OK, so you'll drop him off on Sunday and I'll have him next week?

I do understand how alternate weeks work, Claire.

You don't have to organise me. OK. Thank you, though.

All right. Sorry.

Did you say Sunday? Cos I thought we were doing Monday morning.

Yes. OK, I was just double... checking.

Is he any better this morning?

JONATHAN SIGHS No.

Well, you need to talk to him today about the break-up. OK?

Yeah, OK. I mean it.

Yeah, sure. Right, have a good day.

Yeah. You, too.

PHONE PINGS

DOOR CLOSES

Er, Spencer? Spencer?

I thought we could maybe shoot the breeze.

What does that mean?

You know, just, like, having a little chat.

Chitchat. Oh.

OK, thanks.

Spencer, t-that wasn't the chat.

That was me asking if you wanted a chat. That was pre-chat.

Now we're actually doing the chat, yeah?

How's school?

Yeah, fine.

And when do you think they'll be moving onto

teaching you how to talk in full sentences?

OK, well, I've been invited to this Laser Quest party

this afternoon after school.

Really? Yeah.

By who? By Jed.

THE Jed? Yeah.

I don't know why. Isn't Jed one of, like, the properly,

properly cool kids?

Like, he's one of the inner circle. Yeah, it's probably a mistake.

Spencer, this is huge!

If this goes well, you could get invited to Jedwood.

Dad, only you call it that.

OK, well, let me talk you through it.

His name's Jed, he's got a cabin in the woods.

How has HE not thought of it?

I won't get invited, Dad.

When I was at school, I never got invited to things like this.

You've actually got a chance.

I'm not going to be invited.

OK. But you know...

...it would make you happy if you did get an invite, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it?

I mean, it would, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Yes.

Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Yes, yes!

Yeah, see? I knew it would.

Right, come on. Let's go.

Can you take me there after school? Of course I will.

I mean, this is crazy. I'm going to drop you off.

Have you thought about what you're going to wear? What should I wear?

Have you got him a present? What?!

You've got to think about what to get him.

Cos what you want to do is get a decent present,

but you don't want to get... What are you talking about?

...a little bit over the top, "I'm being too keen." Dad!

Know what I mean? They've got this Iron Man mask -

you press the button on it...

Dad! What? Can you chill out?

YOU chill out!

OK? This is massive!

INSTRUCTOR: Push it! Come on, let's do this!

Oh, my God. COURTNEY BURPS

I can't stop burping!

That's cos I've had chilli for the last four nights.

I mean, it needs to stop.

We're all sharing the same toilet.

Yeah, OK. I know it's a bit much. COURTNEY BURPS

Can you stop burping, please?

But he's just trying to make Spencer happy.

Yes, I know, but maybe...

...maybe he should try, I don't know, like, talking to him?

You know, about how he's feeling?

I mean, we're already spending less time together,

and he's turned my office into a children's bedroom.

All right, to be deemed an office,

you think you actually have to work in it? Oh, wow.

20 seconds! All right, then.

So, for my next contract, am I expected to do Zoom meetings

with Spencer sitting on my lap? You've got this!

All right, I know it's an adjustment.

Isn't it nice having a kid in the house?

I mean, it sort of makes you think.

And change.

Argh!

My God. I hate my life.

Do you ever stop talking?

So tired!

I actually feel like I'm going to be...

Wow!

Don't.

Excuse me. Please don't.

Excuse me, Aquaman.

What? It's a gym, isn't it? Yeah, I know it's a gym.

And you're going to get off your little bike

and you're going to get onto the mat,

and you're going to clean up your disgusting man juice.

Or what? Oh, God.

Or fucking what?

Looks like we'll be looking for another gym.

Yep.

Again.

Er, Batman or Superman?

Er, neither.

No, the correct answer's Batman.

Iron Man or Groot?

Definitely Groot. Definitely Groot?

OK, you're not my son, mate.

Shit! Dad, it's Jed. Don't say shit.

Oh, shit. He's coming over. All right, er, be cool.

Good luck. What are you doing?

Making it so it doesn't look like you're hanging out with your dad.

Hey, Spencer. It's great you're coming later.

You done much Laser Quest? Nah.

D-Don't be modest!

He does loads of Laser Quest.

He's constantly saying to me, "Oh, Dad, can you take me

"down to Laser Quest so I can laser up some kids?"

I really don't play much.

No worries.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Sorry, what?

Oh, no, I was just saying what you said.

"Take it easy."

Back to you. I'm just going to... OK.

Cool. Cool.

What was that? I'm sorry.

He's, like, really intimidating, even for a kid.

All right? I felt really uncool. I apologise.

Have a good day, though, won't you?

PHONE BUZZES Ooh!

Hi, Dan speaking.

Hey, it's Keith here. Jonathan's boss.

From the Horsham Speed Awareness Centre.

Oh, right. I've got you down as one of Jonathan's emergency contacts.

Oh, God. Is he all right?

That's what I wanted to ask YOU.

I've been trying him for days.

Just tried Claire but she's not answering.

We're all worried about him. Is he OK?

Yeah. Yeah, no, he's fine.

He's actually at ours right now.

Right. Well, in that case, I'll be letting him go.

What? Why?

You can't miss eight days on the bounce

in the speed-awareness game.

No, wait. Look... Look, please.

Just let him explain, OK?

There's been a lot going on. I know he loves his job.

I'd love to help, but he's making a mockery of the force.

Yeah, I understand that he's making a mockery of the force, but...

COURTNEY WHISPERS: A mockery of the force? Yeah, but...

OK, what if I can get him to come over this afternoon

and explain everything?

Please. He needs this job.

OK, but I do need to see some of that passion

he used to have.

For teaching speed awareness?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Understood.

What was that? That was Jonathan's boss.

I think he might fire him.

He's never going to leave.

It's got to be Fuego.

Yes!

Wow, this is impressively bleak.

What is going on?

Well, it's not actually bleak at all.

OK? Cos I've read you can increase the sensitivity of your taste buds

if you restrict your other senses.

It is amazing how much of a difference it makes.

Genuinely.

Did you consider just closing your eyes?

Yes, but that's not in the spirit of things, is it, really?

I'm just desperate to find out what hot sauce

Claire uses in her chilli. Why don't you just ask her for the recipe?

Oh, no, that's right.

You're Jonathan.

Anyway, how is work going?

Yeah, fine.

How was the course this morning?

Yeah, it was good.

Did you have any characters?

No, not really. Sort of the people that speed,

so they don't tend to be, like, that funny.

Did you go in all last week?

Dan, you saw me leave. You saw me return.

What is going on?

Well, I've just had a phone call from your boss

saying that you've not been to work for a whole week

and you've not answered a single message.

Fuck. Seriously, what is going on, Jonathan?!

Well, it's just...

I...

I couldn't go into work on Monday because I wanted to sort out

the office for Spencer because he's going through

actually quite a difficult time.

OK, Tuesday?

Well, I couldn't really think of a valid excuse for Monday,

so I skipped Tuesday. Wednesday?

Well, I was actually going to go Wednesday.

But then the thought of explaining two days' absence

actually made me feel physically sick.

And then by the time Thursday came around,

I thought it was actually less insulting

to take the whole week off, really.

So what have you been doing with your days?

Well, like, I...go for a walk.

Get a cheese sandwich.

Sometimes I go to the arcade at The Rec on Albion Way.

Oh, my God! What? It's not THAT bad.

You're a 40-year-old man playing Whac-A-Mole and eating cheese.

I don't play Whac-A-Mole, Dan.

I'm not a child, OK?

I play first-person shooters and sometimes I go on the dance...

...machine. Oh, God, it IS bad.

What do I do?

Well, I've convinced your boss to give you a chance

to explain yourself this afternoon. I can't do this afternoon.

Why? Are you back at the arcade eating cheese sandwiches?

Look, Jonathan, I know that things are shit right now,

but if you lose your job, they're going to be a whole lot shitter.

Not just for you. For me, too.

OK? So 4pm, please.

Yes. OK, fine. I'll be there.

Great. Now, pass me the blindfold.

I want to see if you're chatting shit.

IMITATES DAN: Have you thought about closing your eyes?

IMITATES JONATHAN: It's not really in the spirit of things.

You nervous? A little.

You don't need to be nervous, OK?

He invited you because he wants to get to know you more.

It's all good. Yeah, I guess so.

Last-minute invites to kids' parties are a thing, aren't they?

Er...

It'll be fine.

What if I completely mess up?

You won't mess up. There's nothing to mess up.

You'll turn up, Jed'll be like, "Oh, my gosh.

"Spence is so cool!

"I wonder who's picking him up." Then I'll come and pick you up.

"Oh, my God. His dad's even cooler. This is amazing."

OK.

Listen, Spencer. It's all good, OK? PHONE PINGS

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Right, I better get off to work.

THEY LAUGH

Er, I might just come in with you.

Thanks, Dad.

No!

Fuck you, you shrivelled little ball sack.

You hairy little cretin.

Little prick.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Everything OK, dear? Er, yeah.

Yeah, sorry. No, I just couldn't unplug the PlayStation,

so I just thought I'd have a little go.

Struggling to get into it, are you?

It's my sabbatical.

If I want to steal cars and pick up hookers,

then that's what I'll do.

It's actually a really good game.

Right, I'll leave you to it.

Oh, hang on a minute.

You just make sure you talk to Jonathan.

About his plans. Yeah.

He's actually off right now getting his job back.

On my mark. Let's go, go, go, go! LASERS BLAST

THEY SCREAM

Run! They're coming!

What the hell is this? Spencer, are Jed's parents trained

in counter-terrorism or something?

I don't think we scored a single point!

I'm going to speak to Jed's dad. This is nuts.

We are literal cannon fodder.

Yes! Take that!

Dad, don't say anything.

I mean, not that you actually would say anything.

What's that supposed to mean?

OK, fair point. But this is unacceptable.

Don't worry. I'm going in.

No, Spencer, don't go in. Spencer, no.

Spencer, no! SPENCER, NO!

THEY CHEER

PHONE BUZZES

JONATHAN COUGHS

What are you doing?

I am taking Jed to a little place I like to call Loser Town.

What?

We're going to try and win.

Listen, sometimes you've got to stand up for yourself

if you want a bit of respect, OK?

Do you want to go to Jedwood?

I mean, not because I cheated over it.

Do... you... want to go to Jedwood?

Yes. Right, well, in that case, you need to show them

that you're on the same level, OK?

When I was at school, I constantly let people beat me

and look where I am now -

playing Laser Quest in a fleece.

Right, listen. Not today, son.

Not today.

Today, son, today we win!

OK? What do we do?

We... We cheat.

Just put the tape on the gun.

Let's do this!

THEY SCREAM

OK, I hold my hands up. That was a bad idea.

Spencer, I'm sorry.

Hey, lads. Hi.

How are you guys doing? Yeah, good.

S-Sounds like fun. It is fun.

I'm afraid they're saying you're going to have to sit

the rest of this out. Right, OK.

I'm sorry about that. It was just a joke.

Oh, yeah. It's all right.

Yeah, it's just not really in the spirit of things.

Yeah, it was just a silly joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't meant to be... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just, it is cheating, so...

Sure, OK. OK, right?

Yeah. Good.

JONATHAN WHISPERS: I'm not sure it's cheating. What?

Pardon? What did you just say to him?

Nothing. I thought our conversation had ended, so it was just...

It's cheating and it's unacceptable.

And you're setting a bad example. You should be ashamed.

Sorry. ..All right?

Luckily, they've given us a bonus round

because of all this disruption. That's great. That's great.

Unbelievable.

JONATHAN WHISPERS: Dickhead.

What was that? Pardon?

How did you even...? What? What did you just say?

Er, it was nothing.

We were talking, weren't we?

Weren't we talking just then? I was talking to YOU, wasn't I?

Spencer?

Listen, pal.

Wind your neck in.

It's a kids' party.

You don't have to take it so seriously, all right?

OK, let's do this, people!

Come on!

I want to go home.

Couldn't agree more.

Hi, boys.

DOOR SLAMS

Is Spencer all right? Oh, yeah, he's great.

You saw that, didn't you? He's absolutely buzzing.

Well, what happened?

Did you finally talk to him about the split?

No, but I may have...

...inadvertently humiliated him at Laser Quest

by encouraging him to cheat,

got him kicked off Jedwood

and alienated him from his entire year group.

But, you know, apart from that, good times.

Well, did you at least get your job back?

Er, yeah. Yeah, no. That was...

That was all sorted, so, yeah, thanks for sorting

that out for me. Oh, thank God.

Honestly, I think Courtney would have left me

if you were suddenly jobless.

You know, you can actually sort of disguise

how much she wants me out,

you know, that IS an option. Who has the time?

So what are you going to do about Spencer?

I don't know. I was going to try and cheer him up

with some of that chilli.

My God, that poor child.

You're right.

Where are you going? I'm going to go get him some

"sorry I ruined your life" chocolate.

Oh, and some red wine.

Well, he actually prefers white.

Come on, guys, let's all go to Jedwood!

Yeah!

CHANTING: Jedwood! Jedwood! Jedwood!

Jedwood! Jedwood! Jedwood!

This takes me back to Jedwood!

Jedwood! Jedwood! Jedwood!

I hope you all enjoyed the raises and promotions

I gave you at Jedwood!

Jedwood!

Jedwood! Jedwood! Jedwood!

Jedwood! Jedwood!

Best party ever!

Jonathan, it's you...

...unannounced on my doorstep.

Hi, Claire. How are you? You good?

Er, is it possible to...?

Sorry, what?

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I was just passing by after work,

and I thought, why don't I pop in and just, like,

a very casual just sort of catch-up to sort of see what you...

How are you? You can't do that any more.

Because...

Right. No, you're right. You are absolutely...

You're absolutely right. I'll...

I'll go.

Well, just before I...

Just before I do go.

How, um...

How well do you know Jed's dad?

What?

Like, does he like you?

Like, could you call him up just on the off-chance, just go,

"Oh, hey. Er, hi"?

Oh, Jonathan. What have you done? I haven't done anything.

You know how desperate Spence has been to be friends with Jed.

You've fucked something up again, haven't you? No, I haven't.

Do you know what? I'm going to go. You're right. This is a mistake.

This is actually an invasion of... Privacy.

Yes, sure. Yes.

I'll call next time before I come round.

Or don't. Don't call?

Then, how do you know I'm going to come round?

Just don't come round unless we've arranged it. OK.

But, then, how do I arrange that if I'm not calling?

Think about how you could just be a bit more independent.

What does that even mean?

Shit!

I didn't tell her.

LAUGHTER

She didn't answer.

Jonathan?

Hi, there.

Sorry to bother you. How can I help you?

Well, I actually wanted to speak to Jed.

Wh...? I mean, with you,

I wanted to chat to you both together, if possible.

Jed! Someone's here to see you.

Who?

Spencer's dad.

Spencer?

No.

His dad.

Nice house. Hmm?

Just saying it's a nice house.

Oh, thank you.

Did you put this in yourself?

What, the door?

No, no, no. The white...

The lintel? Yeah, the lintel. I don't know.

Yeah, did you put that in? No.

Oh, right. It's a nice lintel.

Are you coming?

Er... Hello, mate.

Happy birthday again.

Thanks...

Er, look, I'm sorry to just turn up on your doorstep.

It's just that...

Well, we didn't get the chance to give you this, so...

It's your present...

Thanks.

...Jed.

You're welcome. OK.

Thanks. Lovely. Thanks very much.

I-I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry about the...

...whole gaffer tape thing.

It's totally cool, man.

Cool. Great. OK, thanks very much.

I-I'm getting divorced!

What?

Well, I'm not getting divorced because I wasn't...

We weren't actually married. It's just...

...Spencer's mum and I are breaking up.

OK, I think this is probably a conversation

you should be having with your son and not with my son. Yes.

Sorry, it's just Spencer's going through quite a hard time

at the moment, and so...

I know he thinks you're cool and...

Well, I think you're cool - in a dad way.

But I know you do this... this cabin thing in the woods

in the summer or whatever.

I actually call it Jedwood.

Er, anyway, I didn't want this - or rather me -

to have messed up things for Spencer.

I was actually already planning to invite Spencer to the cabin.

Oh, really? Yeah.

He's my mate.

Oh, well, that's great.

Brilliant. What a relief.

Excellent. Brilliant. Thank you. I don't know why I did that.

Thank you. OK, why don't you go and play your game, OK?

Right. Thanks, mate.

He'll really be chuffed. Thank you.

He's a great kid.

I think it probably best that you don't come along

with him to the cabin.

Yeah, I completely agree.

I was actually going to suggest that myself.

Tha...

Yes!

Look, you just have to get him to leave.

Please, can you just talk to him about his plans?

Yes, I will. I promise.

Where's Spencer? I've got good news.

I'll go and get him, and you two can have a nice chat.

Yes? Yeah, sure.

Dan, I sorted it. Spencer, I mean. DOORBELL RINGS

I've got him into Jedwood. What are you talking about? Jedwood.

What? Jedwood. His mate, Jed.

In the woods. Jonathan.

Your, er, boss is here.

At our home.

Er...

Keith, I'm sorry. What the fuck, man?

I thought you and me was the same?

I thought it was in your blood?

I might be making regional manager pretty soon.

I was going to need a right-hand man.

But your actions have cost lives.

I'm not sure that's true, is it?

Look, Keith. I get it, OK? I'm fired.

Of course you're fired. I haven't come to tell you you're fired -

I've come to tell you to your face you should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm going to say it, you are a pathetic little... OK!

OK. Oh, no, Courtney!

Hello. Hello, my name is Courtney.

This is my home that you're in.

OK, have you actually bothered to ask him why?

Yeah, he's actually going through a devastating break-up.

I mean, look at him.

He's pathetic.

Don't you need to go through some sort of, like, HR proceedings

or something before you rock up at someone's house

and go all Gangs Of London on them?

Jonathan, has he even issued you with a written warning?

Well, I haven't actually been checking my letters.

OK, shut up, Jonathan. You can't fire him.

Also, where the fuck are you going to find someone

to fill a shitty job like this? BOTH: It's not shitty.

See, he actually likes it.

So how about you take him back tomorrow

and we don't need to take you to an employment tribunal, yes?

Tomorrow? Yes.

I'm... really sorry about Claire, mate.

That's OK. Thank you.

So if you wouldn't mind?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Bye.

Sorry, Keith.

Er...

Listen, thanks a lot for doing that.

No problem.

Felt like the right thing to do.

That and, if you got sacked, I would have to put up with you

for the rest of my life.

Talking of which, there is something we need to ask you.

Yeah, er...

Why don't we have some of Jonathan's delicious chilli?

What...? COURTNEY WHISPERS: It's fine.

Right.

Spence, babe.

I looked it up, yeah, and apparently there is a finisher

where all of their internal organs are pulled out via telekinesis.

Ah! That's so cool.

I know. OK, Courtney, I think we better go to bed.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, so we'll do that tomorrow, then? Yeah?

Hey, mate. Er...

I've got some good news.

I have got a feeling that someone might be invited to Jed's cabin.

Oh, no. They said not after today.

OK, give me this.

Listen to what I'm saying.

I have a strong, strong, almost certain feeling

that you are invited to Jed's cabin.

A VERY strong feeling.

Dad, it's not going to happen. Let's just move on.

OK, let me just be absolutely crystal clear on this.

You're going to Jed's cabin, OK? I regret doing it like this.

I wanted to introduce a bit of surprise. Really?

Yes, Jed's dad called. You're in.

Yes!

♪ You're going to Jed's cabin I'm going to Jed's cabin

♪ La-la-la-la, yes!

♪ La-la-la... ♪

Spencer. Spencer, it's a futon, OK?

You're going to break it. Get down.

♪ La-la-la-la. ♪

Listen, I know there's been a lot going on...

...and I'm sorry

because I probably should have asked you this earlier, but...

...do you want to talk about me and Mum at all?

Not really. Do you?

Well, no, not really.

But...

...you know, we can if you want to?

I mean, are you all right?

I'm OK.

Well...

...do you want to just sit here and not talk about it together?

Good.

It'll be all right, mate.

And you know what will really cheer us up?

A nice bowl of chilli.

I'm not really into chilli, Dad.

If you don't eat this chilli,

I'm going to put you up for adoption.

♪ Far away... ♪

Chilli it is.

♪ I've been so long away...

♪ I get a little lost

♪ Hey, but I find my way

♪ See, I've been wondering why

♪ I keep losing

♪ Hey

♪ How I need you

♪ Yes, I need you by my side. ♪

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