Original subtitles

[gong tolls loudly]

[man prays in foreign language]

[woman sings in foreign language]

♪ Blue jeans, magazines, low ridin' rockin' scenes ♪

♪ She's gonna have a good time

♪ Red bull body shots, show the boys what you got ♪

♪ She's lookin' so fine

♪ She never dreamed she'd dance in this crazy new world ♪

♪ Breakin' in, workin' out in a Cinderella swirl ♪

♪ And now she's one all-American girl ♪

♪ An all-American girl

♪ Big screen movie stars, loud bars, racing cars ♪

♪ She's crossin' the line

♪ MySpace, pretty face, red, white and blue lace ♪

♪ Show me yours, I'll show you mine ♪

♪ She never dreamed she'd dance in this crazy new world ♪

♪ Breakin' in, workin' out

- Mom, I told you you shouldn't eat that.

Oh, come on, don't give me that.

You know you have to start juicing.

I know but you have to do it.

It's really important.

- Bye -You're late!

- The meeting started?

- Oh, when you're late, you're usually late for something,

hence, you're late.

- Pretty sassy for an intern talkin' to a boss.

[elevator dings]

Stop it!

[girls laughing] [girls mumbling]

- Oh, my God!

Alright, alright.

Let's get on it.

Alexa, have you finished that story

on winter trends on the city?

- Oh, I'm just waiting on proofs and then it's a go.

- Okay.

Light a fire under that photographer's ass,

please? [chuckles]

- Literally, because I almost got arrested

last time I did that.

[girls laugh loudly]

- And who was boss last night?

When do I get to see you again?

- I got a three times and out rule

and you used it all up last night!

- Oh! - Sorry.

- There she is!

Good morning or is it good afternoon?

- Sorry.

I was held up in the hallway.

- Held up or bent over?

[Alexa laughs softly]

- Okay.

Claws in, ladies.

I have an announcement.

I'm retiring.

- Oh, my God!

- Who's gonna take your place?

- As you all know, Sterling's app ranking

has slipped the last two months in a row.

That has to change.

We need trend-worthy content.

And the person who can get me this

will be named

Editor-In-Chief of Sterling Online.

Shania, Alexa, you two have been shortlisted.

Get Whitney and Lydia to help you.

Alexa, I will see you in my office

tomorrow morning, eight a.m.

Remember,

only one person can win.

[upbeat Indian music]

[car horns beep]

[speaks in foreign language]

- No, I'm still stuffed from my lunch.

[speaking in foreign language]

No, thank you.

[dispatcher mumbles on radio]

[speaking in foreign language]

Wish we could do some real police work.

[speaks in foreign language]

- [sighs] Okay, well, Alexa had some pretty great ideas.

You better be bringing your A-game.

- Okay, I was thinking, what about something to do

with the Amish, like Amish fashion?

- [chuckles] What, like bonnets?

That's not fashion, that's boring!

Next!

- Okay,

I've got animal prints, I've got owners and their animals

and the power of blue!

- [Claudia] Mm-mm.

- Oh, yuck!

Don't like my chai cold.

Okay, wait a minute.

What about the way the 60s designers--

- You know, I was reading an article

about all the different ceremonies they have

at Indian weddings, it was quite fascinating.

Chai's from India, isn't it?

- No, Starbucks.

- You ought to do a story on that.

- On chai.

- No, India.

- On India!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Weddings in India?

I can't think of two things I hate more!

- Yeah, but you'd be perfect for it!

- Claudia, I haven't been to India

since I was six years old.

And I have no desire to ever go back!

- But you're from India!

- I am from Orange County!

- Listen, India is hot right now!

Restaurants, movies, call centers, it's everywhere!

And there are like a billion Indians, also everywhere.

Think about the billion people clicking, liking,

sharing, tweeting, trending!

Think about it!

Editor-In-Chief,

Sterling Online,

Shania Dhaliwal!

- Well, you're good.

Sounds terrific, except, it's not my cup of chai.

- Oh, come on, there's like a dozen ceremonies.

So much to cover.

- A dozen.

That's 12! - I tell you what.

You can cover eight.

- Five?

- I can live with that.

Okay!

Five weddings.

Use each wedding to showcase a different ceremony.

Interview the brides, do a photo shoot

in some gorgeous Indian city, yes.

- There's no such thing.

I remember bugs,

bugs,

and bugs.

[sighs] That trip to India

singlehandedly turned me arachnophobic.

- Oh, come on.

- It's a disability!

- [Claudia] You're going.

[sighs loudly]

[loud knocking]

[speaking in foreign language]

- We really need to get a promotion.

[old woman speaks in foreign language]

- Pretending to research eye covers again?

- Yeah, and you're interrupting my REM!

- [Shania] Oh, you gotta help me.

- What's wrong?

Pregnant? - No!

I might have to go to India!

- What?

- Claudia thinks that that's gonna be the winning feature.

And you, you gotta help me come up with another story.

But fast, because Claudia's already making

all the arrangements.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry!

So Claudia Burrell, the woman who's been running

one of the top fashion magazines for over 20 years

has told you, Shania Dhaliwal, that if you write

an Indian-themed story,

you may become Editor-In-Chief of Sterling Online.

- It's about weddings!

But like lots of 'em! - Right, yeah,

and that's a problem because...

- You know how I feel about marriage

and you know how I feel about India.

- And pursuing your dreams?

- I'm arachnophobic.

And India is filled with bugs.

- Are you freakin' kidding me?

You are turning this down

because of a bug-infested country

that you have to be in for like a week, two, tops?

[chuckles] Use repellent, woman!

I mean I guess we're taking orders from Alexa now!

Hey, go where your dad is from.

Remember he used to tell you

about all the places in his village?

[melancholy music] - [sighs] Yeah.

- Look, Harbhajan.

I'm sensitive to your problem.

I really am!

Your father was my friend.

He was India's hero.

- Exactly the reason I shouldn't be doing old folks patrol.

Sir, I know you give me all these non-risk assignments

because of Mummy Ji.

But this is not the reason why I joined the police.

It's a big problem for me.

[sighs]

She lost everything when your dad was killed!

- I understand.

I know she's scared she'll lose me, too.

But life is not risk-averse.

You know what, that old biji, she's going to kill me

one of these days with her stupid jiu jitsu!

[chuckles]

Seriously, sir, I need something more meaningful.

- [sighs] Harb.

[groans]

How to make your mom and you happy, eh?

Hmm.

Yeah.

A journalist from Sterling Magazine in America

has filed visa application,

through the Ministry of Information.

I know it's not terrorist with guns

but these foreign journalists can create enough problems

with the balance.

They all think they are going to uncover

some big human rights drama,

when they have got plenty of human rights drama

in their own backyard!

Ministry wants her monitored.

- Yeah, so what do you want me to do?

- Escort her, be her liaison officer!

She's coming here to photograph wedding

and interview brides.

- How hard-hitting.

- One overzealous journalist,

and India's reputation is at stake.

- These are weddings, sir.

Punjabi weddings.

The only reputation which is at stake

are actually these intoxicated baratis.

- [chuckles] Harb, let's keep it that way!

Just make sure she's staying within her approvals.

Keep me updated if she deviates from her research, hmm?

- Does that also include color patterns

and floral arrangements?

- Sarcasm aside,

Harb, this is an important assignment.

Or you can go back to checking on the seniors!

[soft knocking]

- Hi, Mom! - Hey!

- How are you?

- It's been a long time since you were in India.

- Oh, and that's the way I'd like it!

- For sleeping on the plane.

[laughs] Oh, I couldn't help it!

Can't help it!

Okay,

-Hilarious

after the sucker punch!

- Okay.

- Hysterical Love.

- Alright, okay, thank you!

- What are you doing with my old shirts?

- Oh!

I just wanted to look the part!

Namaste!

- Aww.

These were great times.

- What, you got me a goodbye present?

I mean, I'm in and I'm out, Ma.

Look at the size of my suitcase.

- No, this is a present for someone else in India.

- Who?

Corner of Rose Garden, Old Chandigarh, India?

How the heck am I supposed to find this?

- [Mom] I'm sure there's an app for it.

- [laughs] Mom, I'm not FedEx!

- No, of course not, you're much prettier.

This is for your father.

- What?

We haven't spoken to Dad since I was six.

And now we're exchanging gifts?

- It's the picture you snuck out of his suitcase

when he left for India.

And some other pictures of you, I want him to have them.

- Mom,

no, why?

- Because he asked for them many times

and I was too angry to send them.

- Wait.

You've been in touch with him?

- Sort of.

He called, I hung up, he left messages, I deleted them.

It took me a long time to get over the fact

that he left just because-- - Mama.

We've been over this.

- And I know that now!

[Shania sighs]

But, Shania, he's a good man.

- A good man would not leave his family for that.

- Look, he tried to make it right in so many ways

but I didn't let him.

[sighs] But his last message was different.

He sounded very sad.

I've forgiven him and I think you should try, too, as well.

I didn't pack this one but I think you should have it, too.

- [sighs] Oh, yay, happily ever after.

Fine.

[melancholy music]

[plane zooms]

- [Woman On PA] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to India.

We have landed at Chandigarh Airport.

I hope you've enjoyed your flight from New York to Delhi

and we look forward to serving you in the future.

- [Man On PA] Ladies and gentlemen,

the flight from Beijing has landed at New Delhi Airport.

You may collect your bags at Baggage Claim...

[upbeat Indian music]

[loud squeal]

- What the heck?

I knew I shouldn't have come

to this stupid, stupid country!

Excuse me, sir?

Mister?

Officer!

I was attacked by those people!

Unprovoked, attacked!

You should find them!

You know find?

Do you speak English?

- Find them for what?

To make your clothes more colorful?

- What?

It's Holi, ma'am.

Festival of Color.

It happens every year.

They're not going to stop for your arrival, you know.

- Oh, hey!

Hi, are you my liaison officer?

- You are from Sterling Magazine?

- Yes, yes!

- I'm your tip top driver, Donald!

Follow me, Madamji, come! - Okay.

- Come this side!

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

I was told you're here to cover weddings.

And maybe to reconnect with your Indian roots?

- [scoffs] Well, you were told wrong.

Wait, why are you following me?

- Sad as it is for both of us, I'm not following you,

I'm with you.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- I'm Officer Harbhajan Singh, your liaison officer.

And I can protect you from those vicious locals

while you're here in India.

- [scoffs] And doing such a fabulous job of it!

Somebody give this man a raise!

[upbeat Indian music]

- No, thank you.

In India, we stick to the basics.

You know, good old-fashioned soap.

- Basics, huh?

How's that workin' out for ya?

I'm sorry, that was really mean.

I shouldn't have said that.

You know what?

The airport was actually really nice!

- Come, Ms. Dhaliwal.

I'm so glad we did not disappoint you on all levels.

Thank you.

See?

Over there, cow!

Beautiful, no?

- Yeah, - Probably 'cause

that's what you think India's all about!

Right?

- No.

No one ever said that.

Actually, India's changed a lot since I've been here last.

- India is not a village anymore.

- Yeah, I've noticed! - In case you were wondering.

- I see!

Look there, that's like a family of five there!

- [Harb] What?

Where?

I don't see five.

- What's that one baby doing on a scooter?

[laughs]

Oh, my God! - Funny.

- [Shania] So, Donald, is it?

Sounds almost American.

- It is American, Madamji!

I like America!

Madamji, I'm going to be American someday!

Do you know, Madamji, my name is Tanweer Singh.

But I call myself Donald!

Like I am in America already!

[chuckles] I have applied

for the green card lottery nine times!

As my mother used to say,

if you think positive, it will happen!

One day, I will be in New York, the Giant Apple!

- Oh no, it's Big Apple.

- The size does not matter, Madamji!

But first, I must meet American woman of my dreams!

[loud screaming]

What, what, Madamji? - Bug, bug!

There, there, there, bug, bug, bug, please, kill it!

Kill it, kill it, kill it, bug, bug, bug!

- This one? - Bug, bug, bug.

- Seriously? - Bug, bug!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- No, no, no, no, no!

I'm arachnophobic, please, get that outta here!

Just kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it!

- Donald?

[speaking in foreign language]

Pull over.

[groans] Just go, you little fella!

Fly, fly away!

Done.

Five minutes.

- [Shania] Where you going?

[speaking in foreign language]

Sirji wanted to take you in gurdwara as a welcome to India!

- You can't be so afraid of a bitty spider!

- I told you, I'm arachnophobic!

- Arachna-what?

- Afraid of spiders, Daddy!

- Where do you learn such silly American words?

- Stop, that tickles!

- But I'm a tiny spider biting your neck!

- [laughs] Mom, Dad's making fun of my disability!

- What disability?

You're a Sikh!

A warrior!

[growls]

- [laughs] I'm not a warrior!

I'm a princess! [Dad laughs]

- Madamji, so are you interested, Madamji?

- What?

Interested?

In what?

- Arranging my marriage to an American lady!

- Oh!

We don't do that in America.

We don't have arranged marriages.

- Yes, Madamji, they do!

I have heard of the Match.com, Plenty of Fish,

JDate, Christian Mingle, eHarmony,

OkCupid... - Okay, okay, those are...

It doesn't matter.

I don't know much about those sites.

I don't ever wanna get married.

- I would be a good husband!

I am funny and I heard American women like funny!

[upbeat Indian music]

- [Shania] Nice!

- See you can pretend you're not even in India.

Alright.

I'll see you tomorrow morning?

- Oh, thank you! - Yeah?

- Yes.

And listen now, here, before I forget.

Sleep tight,

and don't let the bed bugs bite!

- Wait, there are bugs?

Hey, so I just got to the hotel.

It's lovely!

Outside, a little bit of everything.

Dirt poor, filthy rich.

I got a list of weddings here.

Quick question, who do you want me to cover?

- [Claudia Voiceover] Well, thanks to Hollywood,

we've seen slumdogs and millionaires.

Why don't you cover the real India?

The one in between?

You know, middle India.

[upbeat Indian music on TV]

- Mummy Ji!

- [Mamiji] Mm!

Stuck on work again?

Just like your father.

- [Harb] Starving.

- He never got home on time.

So,

what kept you?

- An American girl. - Mm!

I saw on the news an American attacked a Sikh,

thinking he was a Muslim!

No concept of other culture, these Americans!

- I'm sure not all of them are like that, hmm?

- Americans see a turban and they think

there is a bomb in it!

- And how do you know so much about Americans?

You've never even been to America.

- I have seen Hollywood movies.

- You and your Hollywood and Bollywood.

Why do you watch such drivel?

- It makes me feel! - Nauseous.

- [sighs] Anything fun makes you nauseous.

No girlfriend, no wife, no love.

[speaks in foreign language]

- The American girl is cute.

[Mamiji sighs]

[mobile phone rings]

- [Whitney] It's me!

- My God, I'm so glad you called!

- Yeah, what's goin' on?

Hey, how was the flight?

- Flight was good.

The ride to the hotel?

Not so good.

How's work?

- Well, talk about not so good entertaining clients.

You know how much I hate that!

- Oh, yeah, I know.

- Okay, okay, so wait a second.

What's happening with your dad?

- [Shania] [sighs] I don't know, Whit.

Honestly, I should just mail it to him.

A part of me, I really wanna see him again.

[upbeat Indian music] [horns beep]

- Good morning, Madamji!

You look so lovely this morning!

- Aww, you're so sweet!

Good morning!

- Good morning.

- So you like the decorations?

I did the flags to make you feel at home!

It's very American, no?

I try to find American flags made in America

but the closest I could get was China.

- I like it, Donald.

I give you an A for effort.

- I don't mean to correct you.

But A is for alpha.

You see, effort start with E! [mobile phone rings]

- Hey, Mark! - Hehehey, beautiful!

I sure miss that face.

- What's up?

- You're never gonna believe this.

Your photographer is sick.

He's stuck in Delhi and can't get on his flight.

- This can't be happening!

I need another photographer!

- Well, I can look in the database.

- Madamji!

Madamji, Madamji! - Would they be under F

for photographer? - Madamji, Madamji!

- Hold on, Donald, what is it, what?

- I know a tiptop photographer who lives in Chandigarh!

- Oh, my gosh, you know somebody?

- Yes, Madamji!

First class photographer!

- Okay, Mark.

The driver could give me a photographer for today

but you have to get me another one for the next wedding.

[Mark mumbles]

Gotta go, bye.

- Love it when you boss me around!

[clears throat]

- He seems to be a real keeper.

- Well, at least the phone reception was working.

- Oh, yeah.

We all share one broken down satellite

to serve the 1.3 billion people of the entire country.

- Oh, my God.

All of you share one satellite?

- Can I tell you one secret?

Actually they are just pretending to talk on the phone.

Nobody's talking to anyone.

- What?

[sighs]

[soft laughing]

[uplifting Indian music]

[people cheer]

Ugh, a puddle.

- [Donald] Oh, Parveen, my friend!

- Hello, hello, hello!

- [Shania] [squeals softly] What are you doing?

- [Harbhajan] [groans] You were going to have a problem

with the puddle,

I was going to have a problem with you having a problem,

so now I'm avoiding myriad of problems.

You have a problem with that?

- [Shania] No! [laughs]

Ok, thank you!

- Here you are photographer, Madamji!

Parveen, my friend!

- Hello, I'm Shania from Sterling Magazine!

- Hello, Ji, hello! [speaks in foreign language]

- [Shania] Thank you!

- That is my work.

[people singing faintly]

- [Shania] What exactly am I looking at?

- That is my, how you say in America, my portfolio!

My portfolio!

- What did I tell you, Madamji?

Best photographer in all of Chandigarh!

Not Chandigarh, all of India! [chuckles]

- Oh! [chuckles weakly]

- So you like this? - Yeah, sure, sure.

- [Donald] Ok! [speaks in foreign language]

[rhythmic drum music] [women clapping]

[women singing]

- Oh, hi, Shania!

How are you? - Hello!

- Oh, sorry, I have Mehndi all over!

Please, please come!

Have a seat!

- [Shania] Hello! [women greet loudly]

Hi, hello, hello!

Hi, hello!

- So how are you? - Good, how are you?

- I am enjoying my day!

- Yes, thank you for having me, Devika!

- You're welcome! - Ok, one second.

Wedding number one, Mehndi ceremony,

better known as the henna tattoo in the west.

- This is the bridal shower like you have in the US.

- 'Kay.

- And we are doing the Mehndi ceremony like tattoo for you

but tradition for us, so make the bride look beautiful

on her special day so how's it looking?

- Beautiful!

- [Devika] Would you like to have some made?

- Oh, maybe later!

Devika, can you tell us a little bit more about this?

- Yeah, there are ceremonies like Mehndi

and then Ladies Sangeet and...

[woman shouts in foreign language]

Ooh, ooh, hijras, hijras are here!

[hijras chant in foreign language]

Let me tell you about hijras.

Hijras, they come, they find out where the wedding is

and show up and bless the bride.

- [Shania] Oh, wow!

[hijras chant in foreign language]

Who are they?

- Hijras.

- [Shania] Hija-what?

- Transvestite, transgenders.

Eunuchs?

- [Shania] Oh, right.

[hijra speaks in foreign language]

- They just find out where the wedding is

and they just show up. - Oh.

Where the heck's Parveen?

Hey, Parveen!

- Oh, sorry, sorry!

[speaks in foreign language]

- [Hijras] Media!

- No media!

I'm from Sterling Magazine from America!

- Oh, okay! - Smile, please, smile!

Smile! - Can we ask you

some questions? - Yes, of course.

- Okay, okay, no questions, please, thank you.

Okay, we're done here.

Thank you, you guys can go out.

Thank you, go on.

- You can see, people want our blessings

but they treat us like a curse.

This is very bad. - Alright, thank you,

move out! - Very bad!

Ma'am, this is how they treat us.

- Out!

- Very, very bad! - Out, out, thank you.

Thank you, out, out, out, out.

Sorry, guys, sorry, sorry.

I mean girls.

I'm just doing my job.

I'm really sorry!

- What do they mean by that?

Why didn't you let me talk to them?

[women chant in foreign language]

[sighs] I really need a new photographer!

His angles are all wrong!

- Claudia loves the shots!

- [Shania] What?

- [Whitney] Yeah, she says the style has an authenticity.

She's keepin' 'em.

- Okay, she's the boss.

Oh, hey!

I got something to tell you.

- [Whitney] You had sex with the guy in picture 24?

- You are such a tramp!

Now, listen, I think I found a sidebar story I wanna do.

Scroll down to picture 33.

They're called hijras.

You know, like transgenders?

I wanna do an editorial on them.

- Why is that a big deal?

- I'm not really sure, but I think I'm onto something.

I'm sure they don't want me to know about this story.

- Now you're thinkin' like an Editor-In-Chief!

[chuckles] But you still need to get laid.

- [Shania] Whit, [chuckles] get your mind

out of the gutter, girl!

I gotta go to work.

Bye! [chuckles]

[relaxing Indian music]

[ peak in foreign language]

- So boys and girls, dudes and divas,

are you all ready to rock?

[emcee speaks in foreign language]

[romantic Indian music]

- [Shania] Hello!

- Hello, hello! - Namaste!

- Namaste.

[girl giggles]

- So, since there's a break, I'll ask you some questions.

[man speaks in foreign language]

So, can you tell me about this ceremony?

And what is it called?

- You just relax, Ji.

You don't worry!

I'm [mumbles], I will help you!

Myself, Bhavna, but you can call me Cookie, Ji.

And this is, Ji, Cream.

So we are Cookies and Cream!

And yourself?

- I'm Shania from Sterling Magazine.

- Oh, hanji!

Shaniaji!

I do knew you were coming!

You know, I even gave them a thousand rupees discount

because I knew you were coming!

I'm perfect for your interview!

I'm big, big rockstar over here.

People in Punjab, my Shaniaji, they really love me a lot!

My dream is to take Cookies and Cream to Bollywood.

We sing and dance to traditional music

to celebrate the wedding!

Traditional music can get so boring, so we re-mix it!

And it becomes fresh again!

[speaks in foreign language]

[upbeat Indian music] [camera clicks]

[speaking in foreign language]

- She will be if she would have me.

[speaks in foreign language]

-Stupid, person.

Will you marry me?

- [laughs] Yes!

[couple laughs]

[Cream speaks in foreign language]

- What just happened?

[speaking in foreign language]

[upbeat Indian music]

[children speak in foreign accent]

Aww, that's so cute, they think I'm their aunt!

- No,

in India, they call everyone auntie or uncle.

[Shania laughs]

Nice weather!

- What?

- Nice weather!

- Yeah.

[upbeat Indian music]

You know, I brought all my mom's clothes

and now I just feel like an idiot!

- No, you're not an idiot!

You're just stuck in a hippie era!

India has moved on!

- I can see that.

- Sorry, sorry.

Are you okay?

[birds chirping]

[light romantic music]

- Hi, everybody!

- Hello, good morn...ning.

- Good morning.

You okay?

- [clears throat] Yeah, yeah, of course, I'm, I'm fine.

[clears throat] Donald.

Next wedding, huh?

Let's go, let's go.

[upbeat Indian music]

[speaks in foreign language]

- Hello, so nice to see you!

What are you doing here?

- I come to give blessings this wedding!

- Okay!

So ca-- - Move.

- Don't worry, madamji.

I'm in every wedding!

I will meet you in next wedding!

- Okay! - Move.

[woman speaks in foreign language]

- Welcome, welcome, hanji!

We are waiting, waiting for you!

Penji, very big house!

But Punjabi people big heart,

so big [speaks in foreign language].

Oh, you very, very pretty, ji.

I was very waiting outside on the gate!

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

- Congratulations.

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

- Namaste, hello, namaste!

Thank you.

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

- Hey, Cream, you look beautiful!

- Not Cream, Shania Ji, Cookie.

Actually now, call me Bhavna only.

I'm a solo act from now.

- What happened to Cream?

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

So this is a shuni?

- No, no, no!

[speaks in foreign language], Madamji!

Chunni! - Ah!

So this is the Chunni ceremony.

- Yes, yes, Chunni! - Right.

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

- Madamji, this is the scarf groom give bride

to wear in wedding.

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

Very excited, Ji!

Doctor from America!

Make sure you write an article, please!

- Right.

Okay, I heard a little bit of American in there.

Whereabouts are you from?

- Tuscaloosa, Alabama!

Roll tide!

- Right, yeah!

College football team thing.

I know that. [chuckles] - That's right.

- So, how long do you guys know each other for!

- [Groom] We've only met once before.

- Oh, only once?

Really?

- Excuse me.

What are you doing here, Salman?

You have to go!

In the first place, you should have come to me!

- I'm not leaving without you!

- It's my Chunni ceremony, yeah?

The whole faimily is waiting for me inside!

You have to go! [speaks in foreign language]

- Let your dad just meet me once.

I may be a Muslim

but we all are Indian, see.

[speaks in foreign language]!

- You crazy or what?

Papaji.

I just can't do this to him, yeah?

[speaks in foreign language]

- How are you so sure they will be unhappy?

- You're a Muslim, I'm a Hindu!

What are the odds?

- I'm not leaving without you.

Bhavna, I love you and you love me.

- Hey, Cream?

- Hello, Madamji, please?

Can you please help me?

Can you please tell Bhavna's father to come outside?

- Please, if you love me, you have to leave now!

[speaks in foreign language]

I will do something horrible to myself!

I love you but you have to leave now!

Please!

[engine revs]

Most of my family was killed in Pakistan during Partition

by Muslims.

And my stupid, stupid heart fell for a Muslim!

I could not have made Papaji make this choice for me.

So I did.

[hostess speaks in foreign language]

- Madamji, let's continue the interview.

- Right, okay.

I'm gonna go off record with this.

What can you tell me about Salman?

- Eh, Salman? - Who's Salman?

- Who's this bloody Salman? - Salman?

- What's goin' on here?

- Who's Salman?

- Papaji, remember my singing partner

with whom I do all the shows?

He's fine, Shaniaji, but he couldn't come today.

He's gonna come for the wedding.

- Do you love him?

[mother gasps] - Shania!

- Love! [speaks in foreign language]

- Wait a second, is there something we need to know here?

[woman speaks in foreign language]

[sighs heavily] [car horns beep faintly]

- Came to cover five weddings,

you have covered two and ruined one.

Great.

- Wait a minute, that was not because of me!

I just asked a couple of questions!

- Yeah.

And the questions were enough to destroy an entire family,

you know that?

What happened was because of the words

that came out of your mouth!

- Look, I feel terrible!

But I'd rather save that girl a lifetime of misery!

- Well, you're exactly what everyone was hoping for, right?

The Americans would show up and save the day!

- [Shania] You act like that's a bad thing!

- What I do know as a bad thing is,

presuming to know a culture you know so little about!

- A culture that places a higher premium

on what other people think versus what the heart feels?

What kind of culture is that? [sighs]

- Mommy, Mommy, can you tell me a story about India?

- India's so beautiful.

And when your dad and I first met and fell in love,

it was magical and then we just grew apart.

India wasn't for me and America wasn't for him.

[melancholy music]

- What's wrong with teaching her some of the Indian culture?

You drum all this American into her,

she doesn't even know where she's from!

- She's from America like me!

- Yes, and also India.

- Really?

It's not like we don't have Indian culture here.

We do our Sikh prayers every morning,

I cover my head with a scarf.

- Chunni!

- Look around you, Rajinder, we live India in America!

[melancholy music]

- Okay, so here's the problem.

Apparently Indian weddings are beholden

to these astrologers who tell them

when they can and can't schedule weddings.

- So you're telling me they can't schedule

a wedding while I'm in town.

- There's an eclipse in five days.

Apparently, that's a can't.

It's not auspicious.

- India, you never disappoint.

- Miss you!

- [Mom] Shania, hey, it's Mom.

I miss you, baby!

Just checking in to see how you're doing.

Did you reach out to your dad yet?

I really hope you can see him while you're there.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Love you, bye.

[Rajinder prays in foreign language]

[Young Shania mumbles]

- [Mom] What are you doin'?

- I'm praying so Daddy comes back.

- [Mom] Where did you get that?

- From the box in the garage.

- I thought Daddy took that with him.

- Why did he leave, Mommy?

[melancholy music]

- [Mom] It took me a long time to get over

the fact that he left.

- [Shania] Mom, we've been over this.

Your breasts, your ovaries... - Yeah, yeah, I know, I know!

I know!

None of that defines your womanhood.

I love the Indian culture.

That's why I traveled there,

that's why I fell in love with you!

But everything's changed!

You can't bear to look at me, at my scars.

You think I'm some kind of monster, don't you?

- I don't think you're a monster.

[melancholy music]

- [Little Shania] Does he still love us?

- Well, of course he does!

He loves you very much.

- Are you super, super sure?

- I'm super duper sure.

[melancholy music]

He's a good man, Shania.

- You shut up, I'm praying!

- [Homeless Man] Then go pray in America!

- I will not!

I'll in fact, I'm gonna like,

bring a piece of America over here to you right now!

♪ Oh say, can you see

♪ By the dawn's early light - Oh, shut up!

We try to sleep!

[speaks in foreign language]

♪ Proudly we hail at the twi--

- Hey!

- Hey, you are drunk.

- Why are you arresting... - 510 penal code.

- [Hijra] Reporter Madam ji!

Hello!

- [Shania] Oh!

Oh, my God, you're one of the hijras!

- Yeah, Sharmila.

- Oh, what brings you here?

- Section 294 penal code.

- You're obsessed with your penal codes.

- He means indecent explosure in public.

- I think you're decent.

- I went in a wedding and they refused to give me money.

I got angry so I decided to take my clothes off.

- That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

- Well, if it's, it is the only way to get paid...

- You can get another job.

- [chuckles] Who's gonna hire me, Madamji?

- Give me the bottle.

- Sharmila? - Yeah?

- At the wedding you said that you give blessings

but you're a curse.

What did you mean?

- We are a dirty little secret.

- Move!

Sit over there!

- Dirty little...

What do you mean?

- The soul of a woman trapped in the body of a man.

- [Policeman] Silence!

Go in cell!

Go!

- In India, sometimes people get born with no...

- Go, go! - Move.

Go!

[loud creaking]

[police siren wails faintly]

- Sharmila? - Here.

- So did you mean born with no sexual organs?

- Yes.

- Well, why is that a dirty secret?

If you feel your soul is a woman's soul,

then you're a woman.

- You lose your soul

because our parents gives you up to the hijra community

because you are not normal

and they could all ties after that.

- Oh, so that's how you become a hijra.

- That,

and forced castration.

[police shouts in foreign language]

[loud rattling]

- I made a friend last night.

And you're never gonna believe who.

- You have no friends in India.

- Good morning, Madamji.

[car horns beep faintly]

- You're my friend, right, Donald?

- Yes, Madamji.

Very much so! - See?

I do have a friend in India.

Look, I'm really sorry.

Thank you for getting me out.

If you would've left me there,

I don't know what I would've done.

[melancholy music]

[keyboard clacking]

- Whew, okay!

How about this.

"Dear Mr. Commissioner, my name is Whitney Simmons."

- "I am a colleague of Shania Dhaliwal

"from Sterling Magazine."

- "Who's in India writing a story.

"And I wanted to get your comment on the sidebar

"she is writing on the hijras."

I don't even know if that's how you say it.

[faint Indian music]

- Sidebar on hijras?

- Are you sure we should be doing this?

- Oh, come on, don't be lame.

[phone beeps softly]

[subdued Indian music]

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Madamji. - Good morning, Donald!

- You look so nice in Indian dress!

- Thank you, let's see what the other officer has to say!

Good mo--

You are?

- I'm Officer Chahel.

[subdued Indian music]

- Not that it matters, but what happened to Harbhajan?

- I don't know, Madamji.

Sirji said he's taking himself off the assignment.

Are you okay, Madamji?

- Of course.

Why wouldn't I be?

I mean, he's a grown man, he could do what he wants, right?

Besides, Chahel seems way more fun.

Right, Chahel?

- Chahel.

Cha, Cha, Chahel.

- [chuckles] Oh, like dance, cha-cha!

[horn beeps loudly]

Ooh-kay, then. [sighs]

Oh, that's where I got arrested the other night!

Hey, are you married?

- No.

- What a surprise.

[upbeat band music]

[camera clicks]

[men chant in foreign language]

[tranquil Indian music]

[priest chants in foreign language]

[hijras speak in foreign language]

- Hello!

Is Sharmila, where's Sharmila?

No!

[speaking in foreign language]

- Go, go!

Go, go!

- Google!

- [speaks in foreign language] Thank you very much

for coming! - Thank you.

Could you tell me about the Anand?

- Anand Karaj. - Mm.

- And Doli. - Yes.

- Anand Karaj is our version of your church.

And the Doli,

goodbye to her.

It was only

yesterday when I was cradling

my little daughter

in my arm.

And

she has grown up. [sniffs]

It goes so fast! [sobs]

She is going away from us!

- Oh, how far away?

- Just down the street.

[melancholy music] Father and daughter

always a special bond.

She's always father's little girl.

[melancholy music]

[speaking in foreign language]

[upbeat Indian music] [children shout]

- Hello, Madamji! - Hello, Madamji!

- Hi! - Sharmila house?

- Yes!

- This one, Sharmila house. - Thank you!

- Sharmila house!

- Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

- By the grace of God,

just some bruises.

- What happened?

- Well, I took your advice.

I went to a local store

for a job.

They laughed at me.

I got angry.

- Did you threaten to take your clothes off?

- [chuckles] No.

I threatened to beat him. - No.

- Except he get me first.

Do people beat reporters?

- Are you kidding?

We're universally loved.

- Thanks for trying to help me, Madamji.

- Did you report this to the police?

- What's the point, Madamji?

It is the way our world works.

- Sharmila, we have to tell your story.

- I'm a simple girl, Madamji.

No one wants to know my story.

- That's exactly why people do wanna know your story.

[soft knocking]

- Sir?

I thought she was doing an article on weddings.

- Precisely.

Sit!

Harbhajan,

Ministry approved her to do a feature on weddings.

This was not part of her application.

She has to respect our rules!

If she continues,

I have an order to confiscate Ms. Dhaliwal's computer.

- But those are the personal possessions

of an undetained individual.

- And that undetained individual thinks

she can break the rules or do whatever she wants?

Look,

if you are not morally up for it,

my only choice is to assign another officer to it.

[phone clicks]

Who are you texting?

- I'm just telling Mom that I'll be late for dinner

and that I'm still on the assignment.

- Mm, good.

- I'll make sure.

- Better.

- [Shania Voiceover] Hijras, blessings for some,

curse for all.

As I left my new friend still freshly bruised...

[phone beeps]

I couldn't help but wonder how a community

that has references in the Mahabharata for their good luck

now can't even get a job as basic help.

Ultimate goal for all hijras:

The world doesn't have to accept us but they can respect us.

[relaxing music]

[speaks in foreign language]

- You look very pretty, very pretty!

- Oh, thank you! [chuckles]

Where have you been?

- I was off grid.

- And what did you mean by that text you sent?

- Just a reminder to stay focused.

Try and get approval for the hijra story,

and got you an application form.

- [Shania] Oh, yeah?

And what if they reject it?

- Listen, Shania-- - Oh, my God,

there is no article on hijras!

So I'm kind of lost!

- You seem to lose your way a lot.

- Do I really?

- Oh, yes!

And you're quite a handful.

- So why'd you come back?

- Sometimes I like my hands full!

[chuckles] [upbeat Indian music]

- Hello, Ms. Dhaliwal, I presume?

- Hello! - Hi, I'm Harleen,

the bride of the wedding and this is Mr. [mumbles],

my husband. - Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much

for having us! - Thank you so much!

I suppose you're here to cover the wedding?

- Yes, yes. - That's great!

- May I ask you some questions?

- Yeah, why not, go ahead.

- Okay, so can you tell me about this ceremony?

- Yes, well, this is the reception.

- Is there another word in Punjabi?

- [chuckles] Reception is the Punjabi word for reception.

- Well, your English is really great.

- [Bhavna] Hi, Shaniaji!

- Oh, Bhavna, what are you doing here?

- Shaniaji, Harleen and me are very good friends.

- And you know what, she is getting married soon!

- You're getting married to the American!

- No!

No, I'm not going to Alabama, my Shania ji.

Actually, my Papaji made the choice for me.

And he chose my happiness over history.

So surprise for you!

Salman!

- Oh, wow, Cookies and Cream! - [giggles] Yes!

- That's wonderful! - This all happened

only because of you, Shaniaji.

- Cookies and Cream is back, baby!

- Yeah! [laughs]

Shaniaji, you know what, when we both get married,

you have to be the bride's friend, hmm?

- Bride's friend.

The bridesmaid, yes. - See you!

- She's funny, come!

- Very funny. - Let's enjoy.

- Testing, testing.

Hanji, hanji!

[loud thuds] Hello, hello.

[upbeat Indian music]

- [Harbhajan] Cookies and Cream getting married.

[chuckles] Amazing.

Well, there's your fifth wedding.

- [Shania] Yeah.

- Come on, you should be over the moon now.

- I have to get this package to my dad

but I have no idea how to find this crazy address.

- Your dad's in Chandigarh?

- Yeah.

It's a long story.

It's time to write the next chapter.

Will you help me?

[car horn beeps]

- [chuckles] We're not even dating

and I get to meet your father.

[chuckles]

Are we ready for that?

[relaxing Indian music]

- [Shania] Oh, my God.

I wonder if he'll even recognize me.

Harb, I can't do this!

- Oh, come on. - Oh, my gosh!

[relaxing Indian music]

[soft knocking]

[speaking in foreign language]

[bell tolls faintly]

[speaking in foreign language]

[melancholy music]

- Hey, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I know how it feels.

I've been there.

[sighs]

[wistful Indian music]

- [Little Shania] Daddy, what happens when you die?

- Mm!

Well, we reincarnate!

The soul comes back as something different

to be with who we love.

- How do you know the soul's back?

- If you look really hard, you'll see it.

- When you die will your soul come back?

- [laughs] Only for you!

- What if I don't look hard enough,

then I won't know it's you.

- Hmm.

Tell you what.

I'll come back as

a pigeon!

- [Little Shania] A pigeon?

- [Rajinder] Mm-hm.

- Here?

Better? - Mm-hm.

[wistful Indian music]

Wow.

Can't believe I'll never see him again.

Anyway, thank you for bringing me.

The priest said he was cremated here.

[birds squawking] [Shania sighs]

So this is where it happens, huh?

- Yes.

This is where the town brings their dead.

Last rites.

They bring the dead bodies here

and then just

turn them into flames.

[melancholy music]

- You know, I always wonder

how people lose their identities once they're dead.

For everyone, you're, you're just a body.

You know, I,

I was sitting right there, throughout.

I didn't leave my dad alone.

Everybody else left.

I was right there.

I'm sure he's always with me.

- Dad said we'd come back as an animal or as a human

to catch up with who we love.

[chuckles] He said he'd return as a pigeon just to see me.

Look at all those birds.

I wonder if one of them is a pigeon.

- It's not yours to find.

It'll will find you.

[sighs] Come on now.

I'm sure your dad wouldn't wanna see you like this.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Come.

[melancholy music]

[car horn beeps loudly]

[chuckles] You want me to carry you again?

- I think I got this. [laughs]

[car horn beeps]

[upbeat Indian music]

So pretty.

- It's Indian.

- Wow.

- Indian.

Indian.

Very much Indian.

[speaks in foreign language]

- I can't believe how much it hurts.

- Yeah, I know.

- Does it ever get better?

- I still see his face sometimes.

I'm not sure if it ever gets better.

But I guess you accept it.

Learn to live with the pain.

You know anything about physics?

- [Shania] Yeah, why?

- Energy never dies.

Merely changes forms.

And soul is an energy,

hence, it never dies.

[rhythmic drumming]

[speaks in foreign language]

- [chuckles] What's their health rating, a D minus?

- Come on, stop being so American.

[speaks in foreign language]

[mobile phone rings]

Sorry, I have to take this.

- Okay.

- Yes, sir.

- Listen Harb hajan.

You insisted on taking care of this.

Is the mission complete?

- Sir, I don't think she's the problem

you think with she is

- [Avtar On Phone] Don't argue.

You're there to get her laptop, that's it!

- Okay.

You'll have to promise me one thing.

- [Avtar On Phone] Yeah.

- If I get you all the stuff,

she'll be able to go back home.

- I promise I will let her go.

[siren wails] [car horn beeps]

- I felt his spirit at the gurdwara.

They said he came everyday.

I just wish he could have seen me all grown up.

- Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

Anyway, how's your manhunt goin'?

- [chuckles] My manhunt's fine, how's your man hunk?

- [chuckles] He's not a man hunk!

- He is in picture 63!

- What?

What are you talking about?

- Well, I think you guys do make the cutest couple.

- Oh, my goodness.

Let me see.

It's that one where you've got that really gorgeous smile,

and he's kinda slightly flexing.

Oh, my God, it's just so hot.

- Oh, my God, it's gone!

- What?

- [Shania] My laptop!

[melancholy music]

- Not hungry?

Harbhajan?

Dinner?

- Yeah, delicious, Mamaji.

- But you have to eat it to know that.

[mobile phone rings]

[phone beeps]

Maybe it's important.

- I doubt it.

- Come, wait one second.

[melancholy music]

- [Shania On Voicemail] Hey, Harb, by any chance,

have you seen my laptop?

- [Avtar On Voicemail] Harbhajan, I need that laptop.

Where the hell are you?

- [Shania On Voicemail] Harb, please,

please call me back right away.

I think my laptop's been stolen!

- [Avtar On Voicemail] Hello, Harbhajan,

get me that reporter laptop--

[melancholy music]

[loud thud]

- [gasps] Oh, my God, you found it, oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

- But listen.

You can't publish this article on the hijras.

- What, why?

- No.

- Oh!

Oh, I get it.

So you're the one who took my computer

because you don't want me to write this article.

So, what, everything...

You, me?

It was all because of the article,

wasn't it? - No, of course not!

What you're saying...

Listen, everything I said or...

Or I didn't say.

Everything I did, I...

It was absolutely true.

- You were spying on me!

- I was spying on you because you were spying on the hijras!

You started this!

- Oh, my God!

I fell in love with a six-year old!

- What do you mean by you fell in love with--

Wait, wait, one second.

Me?

- [sighs] I can't believe I actually thought

you really understood me.

[scoffs] Shania, I get you.

I've been there.

I wouldn't be surprised if your dad wasn't even dead.

- Don't say that. - Oh!

Maybe that's your dad over there!

Hey, excuse me!

Are you his dad?

- Shania. - Or maybe, maybe,

maybe he's your dad. - Listen.

- What about that guy there?

Hey, are one of you his dad?

- What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I won't lie about something like that.

- Why should I believe you?

- Because I care about you, too.

- Yeah. - And it's the only way

to convince them to not bring up charges against you.

So you need to understand!

Shania!

- [sighs]

I will miss her.

- I'm sure.

- Maybe, I will see her when I move to America.

What about you, Sirji?

[mobile phone rings]

- Hey, Whit. - Hey!

So I just finished reading your article.

Well, that's not true, I finished my champs

but I did read your article and I love it!

Sweetie, I think you really pulled this one off!

- [Shania] No, I didn't!

- [Whitney] Honey, sweetie, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

- I rebooked my flight, I'm coming home!

- Why, what happened?

- He screwed me over!

And not the way you're thinking!

I'm gonna rename this article Four Weddings

and a Screw-Over! [sobs]

- Oh,

my

God!

You're in love!

[mobile phone rings]

[sighs]

- Yes, sir.

[Avtar speaks in foreign language]

Yes, sir, I have it.

Yeah, we'll be right there, sir.

Actually, we're stuck in traffic, sir.

Move your car, move!

- Hello, Harbhajan? - Yes, sir?

[Avtar speaks in foreign language]

Yeah, we'll be right there.

- [Avtar On Phone] I am waiting, okay?

- That'll hold him off

hopefully long enough for her to get on that plane

and head home.

- [sighs] Sirji, you know you could go to jail for this.

You are willing to go that far for her?

[chuckles] Yet, you won't send her back

with the one thing she really wants.

- What would that be?

- She told you.

She loves you.

And she's leaving without you telling her you love her.

- It's not a movie.

- Of course not because those are fake.

But love is real.

And you're really wasting time, Sirji.

You still have an hour to fix it.

And if I have your permission to speed

I can get you there in 45 minutes.

[playful music]

[police siren wails]

[car horn beeps]

Urgency, Urgency!

[speaking in foreign language]

- Flight to New York, please.

- Sorry, sir, our counter has closed.

- Listen, there's this passenger named Shania Dhaliwal.

I really have to talk to her.

It's very urgent. - Sorry, sir,

I can't do anything, sorry. - Please, I'm sure

you can do something!

It's very urgent! - Sorry, sir!

Our counter's closed. - I have to talk to her!

Please try and understand! - Sorry, sir.

I can't do anything! - Excuse me, yes.

What happened?

- No, listen, there's a flight to New York

and there's a passenger named Shania Dhaliwal.

I really have to talk to her.

- Which flight, this flight? - To New York, to New York.

- No, the flight has departed.

- Listen, please, please try and do something.

If you would just...

[mobile phone rings]

Yes, sir?

- [Avtar On Phone] Harbhajan?

- Sir, I'm on my way and the laptop is here

right in my hand.

- [Avtar On Phone] No, it's not.

Because it's right here in my hand.

- Okay, sir.

[soft knocking]

Sir, I can totally exp--

Hey.

What, what happened?

- Ms. Dhaliwal decided to turn in

all of her materials voluntarily

in order to keep you from getting in trouble.

Why don't you take her to the airport

to catch the next flight back to the US?

- What are you gonna do with my computer?

- As discussed, we will make an exception this one time.

But you do need new permissions.

Ah.

This is a new application.

You have to fill it out and hopefully they approve.

- Thank you, sir!

- You're welcome.

- I will take that. - Yeah, sure.

- One more thing, Ms. Dhaliwal.

Being a journalist, you have some responsibilities

to be fair.

there are some new rules in this country

and hijras are considered as third gender.

But for things to change, laws are not enough.

People have to change.

Bye-bye.

- Thank you.

- [Avtar] Have a nice flight.

[both sigh]

- Hey.

Are you really leaving?

[upbeat Indian music]

[sighs]

[woman sings in foreign language]

[pigeon coos softly]

["U U Yeah" by Daler Mehndi]