All language subtitles for nota246

DUFFER: Itwas Iike something quiet,
peaceful and mystical,

being down there by the river.

Helped you to get away from things,

ifthings gotto be
too difficult, you know.

lf Louis Jack was being too hard on me

or if Your Gracie asked
too many questions,

or if l was just needing a rest.

So l'd go down to Hammersmith,
near the bridge,

or maybe take a bus to Richmond
and just read my book,

or maybe think
orjust do nothing at aII.

Sure, I heard the traffic
roaring around the bridge.

Sure, there was some smoke and stuff
in the air and bits of Iitter around,

but it was aII beautifuI
and tranquiI country to me.

You and nobody eIse
can teII me otherwise yet.

l could be just lazy and peaceful

and Iook at the river
without a care in the worId.

There was even a tree or two
on the other side.

I had to go back, sure.

But being down there from time to time
was good for me.

l figure it maybe even saved me.

When I was down there,
Louis Jack was onIy a dream,

not a reaIity at aII.

And Your Gracie hardly even existed
for me when I was down there.

l imagine my troubles first started

that day I went around
looking for Your Gracie

and found her there in the Iaundromat,
trying to pick up some other duffer.

YOUR GRACIE: I wasn't trying
to pick up anybody, Duffer, love.

He was just a sweet boy
who reminded me of you.

DUFFER: Oh, l'm not criticising you,
Your Gracie. I don't mind.

YOUR GRACIE: I Iiked
his gap-toothed face.

And with that oId windbag he had there
who kept on screaming at him

to get away from me
as if l had the plague or something,

weII, I couIdn't do naught
but call her stupid bluff, now, could l?

DUFFER: She caIIed you names,
if I remember.

YOUR GRACIE: That she did,
though it don't affect me.

I never Iet names affect me, Iove.

Take this advice.
Never let them affect you, neither.

He was a IoveIy boy in his way,
just Iike you.

And I thought, since it had been
such a Iong time since I'd seen you,

maybe l'd remember you if he came home

and had a little jelly of me,
you understand.

l always loved boys, understand?

Having, as I do,
this affIiction of mine,

having more jeIIy than I can cope with,
you do understand.

And my cIients being
mostIy oId men, weII...

DUFFER: WeII, I'd never hardIy
blame you, now, could l?

YOUR GRACIE: I wouId Iike to see you
more often, sweet Iove, I wouId.

DUFFER: So wouId I, Your Gracie.

YOUR GRACIE: IfonIyyou'd Ieave
that terribIe man.

Then you couId come and stay
in my flouncy bed forever.

DUFFER: WeII, she gave me
a royaI weIcome,

'cause I hadn't seen her for some time
and was I gIad to see her.

Louis Jack had been kind of rough on me,
and l wanted to forget it.

Nothing better than a IittIe jeIIy
to forget with,

so I thought.

WeII, we just sat there chatting away

and she said I couId come aIong
to her place for a treat, if l liked.

She was always like that with me,

Iet me come and go
with never a question.

But this date, she Iooked at me hard and
suddenIy, she started asking questions,

Iike, "What's the matter, Duffer, Iove?"

And, "You don't seem
the same, Duffer, Iove," and so on.

WeII, when I toId her Louis Jack
had been rough on me,

she said I shouId Ieave him,
once and for aII.

WeII, that hit me where it hurt

because I knew I'd have to Ieave her,
then, for a whiIe.

I couIdn't Ieave him. He needed me.

But I wanted her, and there she was
crossing over the Iine.

Crossing over the line.

l was feeling terrible, just awful.

I had nowhere to go,
except back to Louis Jack.

lf only Your Gracie hadn't got bossy
and asked questions,

then I wouIdn't have been there, then.

I'd have been pIoughing at her
and having a real fine time.

I was in the mood for her.

I didn't want to be back home,
putting up with him.

It wasn't Iike her to ask questions
and not understand me,

but there she'd been,

not understanding me
and asking questions.

And now there I was, caIIing Louis Jack.

You never knew what he was going to do.

One minute he'd be reaI nice,

and the next minute, he'd be at me
with some kind of torture or other.

But he reaIIy wasn't as bad
as peopIe Iike you might think.

He was reaIIy inteIIigent
and couId be reaIIy pIeasant,

aIthough grotty, too.

But he needed me.

I knew that it was important
to have human sympathy for other people.

I had to Iet him do what he Iiked to me,
you see,

because it gave him so much pIeasure.

Who was I to deny him
his little pleasures?

He never had much of Iife,

so anything I couId give him
was really very little, wasn't it?

Still, sometimes it wasn't easy.

(LOUIS JACK LAUGHING)

LOUIS JACK: What a bIoody business.
Louis Jack.

(GIGGLING) Does anyone know, but,

you are in an arm of...

AnimaI! ManimaI! WomanimaI! WomanimaI!

WomanimaI! AnimaI! ManimaI!
WomanimaI! WomanimaI!

WomanimaI! Duffer!

DUFFER: Yes, yes, Louis Jack!

You'd say that what Louis Jack
Iiked best was hurting me.

I didn't Iike it,
but he Iiked it so much,

l couldn't say no, now, could l?

LOUIS JACK: You wiII find me black.
You will find me where ladies sing,

a song that's...

DUFFER: But he didn't aIways hurt me.
Oh, sometimes just a little.

He'd pIay around reaI nice sometimes,

and just do this and that,
pretending mostIy.

I'd sit and try to enjoy it.

Sometimes l'd play at a piggy puzzle
he gave me, kind of watch him.

I had to be ready.

LOUIS JACK: The wonders apricots
can yieId,

Ieather, or bIack street of death.

MonocIe, debacIe, gaybacIe, staybacIe.

And you won't take the tiniest rebuke.
What eIse can I do?

You can go to confession
and know it yourself.

Make out a wiII, commit suicide,
force yourself onto people.

DUFFER: I hope you don't get
the wrong idea.

Louis Jack was one of the best,
one of the nicest.

Even now I think weII of him.

It's just that he shouIdn't have done
what he did, you see.

Still, even if you don't understand
why he had to do those things to me,

I hope you try. You can try.

Though I Iiked Louis Jack a Iot,
he was just Iike my own bIood,

Iike a cousin or something,

I couIdn't be with him aII the time.

You see, he got too strong
if you let him.

So l had to go away every now and then
and see Your Gracie.

It'd been a Iong time since I saw her

that day when she asked
too many questions.

So l thought maybe l could go
and have a reaI good Iay with her

in her flouncy bed and all.

It was so cIean there.

And it would get Louis Jack off my mind.

He made me do so many things
I reaIIy do not Iike doing.

It was good to go to her
and do what I reaIIy Iiked doing,

Iike diving into her and aII that,
you know.

So l'd go along through the streets

and aII these characters
I'd keep meeting up with

kept me going, I can teII you.

But it was aII good, ordinary,
down-to-earth peopIe,

though sometimes they got
out of hand a IittIe,

and some of them wouId as soon
stick you with a knife as with a needle,

(CHUCKLES) ifyou know what I mean.

Your Gracie!

Your Gracie! Your Gracie!

LOUIS JACK: What's going on here now?
The street is dark.

DUFFER: I've come
to see Your Gracie, officer.

LOUIS JACK: Your Gracie? What is
your relationship with this woman?

Are you a murderer?

What, the anointing power
of the fallen angel?

DUFFER: Why,
we're friends, officer, sir.

LOUIS JACK: Friends?

What is your reIationship
with this woman?

lf l were the police...

DUFFER: Yeah, I Iike her,
and she Iikes me, you see.

LOUIS JACK: Oh, what does that mean?

Do you know what l am?

Or l must wait for you?
Are you now betraying me, funk?

Duffer, Iove, is that you?

Yes, it's me, Your Gracie.

Who is that with you?

It's, uh... It's Sir.
He wants to know...

Sir who? Sir Seize?

What is your reIationship with this Iad?

We're friends, officer. Come on, Iove.
Push the gate hard.

(LAUGHING)

OFFICER: Here now, what's going on?

I won't Iet it happen again, sir.

(YOUR GRACIE LAUGHING)

LOUIS JACK: What? What does this mean?

Duffer, don't go to that diseased,
disgusting creature.

(YOUR GRACIE LAUGHING)

DUFFER: I won't Iet it
happen again, Louis Jack.

Your Gracie was one of your solid
kind of femaIes.

She had breasts like jelly,
only firm jelly.

And, boy, was she buiIt.

Strawberry jelly's my favourite,
and she was Iike that.

AIthough she was years and years
oIder than me,

she was so fuII of Iife, she reminded me
of my poor old mum a little,

who's dead and aII.

But my mum and I never had sex together.
It never entered our heads.

You, with your psychoIogy books,
might think we wanted to

because we Iiked each other a Iot.

But you're wrong. We didn't want to.

You might say it was unconscious,
an unconscious desire,

but it wasn't even unconscious.

You see, you don't know,
'cause you didn't know Mum.

And you weren't there either, were you?

You might say that
because I had no father,

it made her want me,
her oldest offspring, as l was.

But l say l must have had a father,
even though I never met him.

Otherwise, I'd be Jesus
and Mum'd be the Virgin Mary.

I can teII you that Mum was no virgin.
I know it for a fact.

And I'm probabIy not Jesus either.

There was this monkey on a stick
that Your Gracie had,

and when I piIed into her,
she'd start it.

The idea was that the monkey shouId get
to the bottom before I was finished.

But I never couId somehow
Iast Iong enough.

I tried, God knows.

(LOUIS JACK SCREAMING)

LOUIS JACK: You are crueI.
A crueI puppy.

DUFFER: Louis Jack Iiked
to make up little tortures for me,

and I did my best
to act Iike I enjoyed them.

You see, he was in my bIood.

l couldn't say no to him if he wanted
to hurt me a IittIe, couId I?

Sometimes he'd hurt me a IittIe too much
and then I'd...

I'd get mad, and have to resist.

I expect you think I'm crazy
for doing this,

but when I think how IittIe pIeasure
people seem to get out of life,

I can hardIy deny somebody
a IittIe pIeasure

at my expense now and then,
now, couId I?

Once, when he aImost
smothered me to death

but putting cotton and wooI up my nose,
I offered some resistance.

But I soon reaIised my mistake.

You see, if you're going to be kind
to somebody,

and I'd decided to be kind to him,

you don't always get off light.

Sometimes you have to suffer for it.

That's part of the game.

And even if it killed you,
that's part of the game.

lt was cowardly of me to object
to what he was doing to me.

After all, gee whiz,
what had l to lose, anyway?

What's just one insignificant life?

And that was aII I had, reaIIy.

LOUIS JACK: ...no more ofhumanity,
singing in the darkness on the Iawn.

(WHEEZING)

(PANTING)

Bad boy! Bad saiIor,
you wiII meet death! Death!

When you come back, there is nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing but dust.

Combs all dusty, ladies gone, murdered,
nothing but dust, raped!

Torn up from the worms inside,
the worm Iife within.

You're no worm, aII just...
Just ungrateful.

Ungrateful, unkind, ingratitude.

(GASPING)

The wound is bIack over your body.

The saiIors on the seas, Iook out,
you're onIy...

(GASPING)

Your crueIty, it's considerate,
not considerate,

unkind, unhuman.

The wound is bIack over your body.

The saiIors on the seas Iook out
and hear on it...

(GASPING)

Beauty of your movement,
bIack streets wiII teII you the truth.

(GASPING)

Your youth means nothing,
nothing, nothing!

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

(MOANING)

Nothing!

Nothing! Nothing!

(WHIMPERING)

Nothing!

DUFFER: Louis Jack had made bIue fiIms
with me in them before, you know,

dress-ups and such.

And I didn't mind much.

He'd stoIen the camera somewhere

and had a way of developing
and printing the film.

And he'd even stoIen a projector,
amongst a lot of other stuff.

But I didn't Iet on to him that I reaIIy
Iiked artistic fiIms, not bIue ones.

But Iife with Louis Jack
sometimes went quiet,

and I'd get bored and want to get away.

Sometimes l'd just sit
and he was Iike somebody dead.

I wished he was dead,
so I'd be free of him once and for aII.

To get relief, l'd go down to
the embankment at Hammersmith,

or maybe Richmond,

and I'd read at my book, Beware of Pity
by Stefan Zweig or somebody.

Do you know it?
It's aII about this man

that got himself in trouble with a girl
by being too sorry for her.

I didn't know then that you couId be
too sorry for other males, too.

I don't know why the author
didn't warn us about that, too,

and not onIy about being
too sorry for girls.

There were all kinds of people around

that seemed to have probIems
and troubIes

and didn't get aIong
if they were together.

And if they were alone,
they just seemed dead or IoneIy,

so IoneIy, they maybe couId die.

Was it for me to help everybody?
Of course not.

I wasn't a charitabIe institution.

Gee whiz, when you think
of all the grotty things

and miserabIeness in the Iives
of most people

and having no really interesting friends
Iike Louis Jack, with aII his taIents...

l'll wager your friends can't make films
as weII as Louis Jack,

and no money,
and having to steaI everything

and use the sit-down bath
to develop film

and hardIy made mistakes except
when he got a IittIe too excited.

No, l count myself lucky
to this very day,

even though it... WeII, it did go wrong,

in the end.

Oh, l know it was my fault.

But I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it.

LOUIS JACK: Flickering lights, screens,
images,

it's a wonderful thing to look at,
nothing to see,

everything is a message,
a message of Hell,

fantasy and naturalism,
and panning and tiIting,

and dissolving and fading in and out...

DUFFER: Louis Jack was reaIIy proud
when he showed me the fiIm.

lt was awfully embarrassing, but l tried
for a while to pretend l liked it.

He was so proud of these movies.

But that time, I think it was worse
than any film he'd ever made before

because, weII, he didn't attend
to detaiIs the way he usuaIIy did.

I think he got carried away
with the subject matter,

with those worms that seemed
to grow inside of him

and come out of him once in a whiIe
when he got excited about an idea.

I can't expIain it.

It doesn't make sense.

But there those worms were
on the screen.

Can you explain it?

It was as if he was terribIe,
terribIe inside of himseIf.

I've got nothing against worms.

They're good enough creatures,
I imagine.

But I don't reaIIy Iike them
put aII over me,

even if they do come out of somebody
I'm committed to, Iike Louis Jack.

LOUIS JACK: The worms come singing
on your body in muItiIinguaI tongues,

in strange tongues, they'd Iick
their tongues as in their bIind mouths.

Yes, and aII is there upon the body,
and yet not there at aII.

YOUR GRACIE: The iIIusion ofIove,
Duffer, Iove.

The iIIusion.

LOUIS JACK: You,
what are you but your image?

YOUR GRACIE: Look and see me.

See through me, dearest love.

See through me.

I'm opening wide, my dearest.

And you may dig a hoIe in me
and Iay your body into me,

and I shaII cover you over,
and you can die, Duffer, love.

And keep your souI.

LOUIS JACK: The dark angel builds.
YOUR GRACIE: Keep your soul.

LOUIS JACK: The song you hear is dead.

The worms singing teIIed untoId stories.

You wiII be the deniaI,
the end of your soul.

The embracement of darkness.

And you, what are you but your image?

And your image is without souI,
the way you must be.

Only the worms are for certain,

and waiting for the explosion of hatred
in you, in you, in you,

where they beIong.

The reaIity beyond which does not exist,
but exists, exists, exists.

Some more than arms and legs...

DUFFER: My IandIady was so suspicious

you couIdn't get away with
hardIy anything in that house.

But I was so gIad to get away.

All l wanted was to get to Your Gracie's
and have a good oId roII in the hay.

But it's funny, like l said,
everywhere I went

peopIe were having troubIe
with their reIationships.

I couIdn't understand it,
and I stiII don't understand it.

After all, we're all made the same way,
aren't we?

It made me reaIise
and count my bIessings.

I Ioved Your Gracie and she Ioved me,

and, weII, Louis Jack
wasn't really very awful

when you stopped to think about it.

He hadn't killed anybody, had he?

(VOICE BREAKING) Now... Now I wished
you hadn't made me remember that.

I reaIIy wished you hadn't.

YOUR GRACIE: Are you hungry,
Duffer, Iove?

Are you warm, love?

DUFFER: This time at Your Gracie's
she really put on a spread for me,

wine and candIes Iit and music
and she got aII dressed up,

and just like in the flicks, she was,
and I got a IittIe drunk on the wine,

and it was aII so grand,

and she gave me some bangers and mash
to eat, just what I Iike best.

YOUR GRACIE: Are you hungry,
Duffer, Iove?

(DUFFER LAUGHING)

YOUR GRACIE: Are you warm, Iove?

Like what I'm wondering about you,
Duffer, me Iove?

DUFFER: Oh, Your Gracie,
don't you Iook great, doII,

in one of your flouncy dresses?

That's a new flouncy dress now,
isn't it?

Isn't it? I mean, it Iooks new.

I can aImost see you through your dress
with my X-ray type eyes, I can.

What I see is a good thing,
the goIden Iady.

YOUR GRACIE: Oh, you bad boy,
you do carry on so.

Oh, but l ain't seen you
in so Iong now, I swear.

Have you been going to some
other Gracie than me?

(LAUGHING)

DUFFER: We had strawberry jeIIy cake

and made it into a race,
just to see who'd win.

We both knew we both wouId win
because that's the way we were,

even and equaI,
even though she was so big.

WeII, I'm teIIing you,
you might not understand this,

but she seemed to me to be the nicest,
best, the most powerful and softest,

and, weII, that's what she was,

a strawberry jeIIy Iady,
through and through.

YOUR GRACIE: What can I do
to ease your weakness, love?

WouIdn't you Iike to come over
and practise your old exercises?

DUFFER: Oh, I'mjust worn out,
Your Gracie.

You know that any time
I'd Iove nothing better

than to take the dive
in your flouncy bed,

but, oh, SwaneIIa, I'm wrecked.

(DOG BARKING)

But it couIdn't Iast. I knew that.

Sometimes it was hard,
having to go back to Louis Jack.

I knew I couId have stayed with her
for always.

But l had my responsibilities, didn't l?

What would happen to him without me?

I didn't want to go back, but I had to.

What?

Oh, do l have to tell you about that?

(SPUTTERING)

How can l say it?

I hope I haven't made you think

that Louis Jack wasn't maybe
the best person who ever Iived,

because he was.

He may have seemed selfish
and even sometimes rough,

and it's true that he was
selfish and rough,

but, you see, I knew him.

He was my own.

He feIt about me
the way you feel about your dog.

And who was I not to feeI about him
the way your dog feels about you?

It might be that too many peopIe want
everybody to feel like a dog to them.

If more than haIf the worId wanted
the other half to be their dogs,

and the dog half didn't want to be
the dog half and please the master half,

even if the dog half wasn't a masochist,
weII, there'd be heII to pay, I bet.

So I decided that, since Louis Jack
wanted me to be his dog,

the Ieast I couId do was obey
his every whim.

So, you see, the hardest thing
I ever had to do was...

Was Iet him father a chiId.

I didn't think he couId
do anything to me

because, weII, he just wasn't abIe to.

You see, there was something
the matter with him.

But I didn't know at first that he'd
caught some aphrodisiac or something,

and that made a difference.

He'd got it into his head
that we'd have a baby,

even if l wasn't a girl.

Some people like sodomy l suppose,

because some peopIe do it.

But I just have a bIank spot there.

I'm prejudiced, you see.

There are some things
a fooI can never Iearn,

and that's one with me.

But, you know, it's funny how,
even with a thing Iike that,

you get some good out of it.

Take me, for instance.

lt helped me to understand Your Gracie,
in a way.

Not, of course, her enjoyment of me,
but l felt afterwards, and even during,

that Your Gracie was in my place,
in a way,

though not exactIy.

l just thought of all the hours, days,
months and years

when this wasn't happening to me,

and I was thankfuI to God,
to the worId and to Louis Jack

for not having had me all the time
and making me sick and aII,

and upsetting me
tiII I was a nervous wreck.

So l thought then, mainly, of what
real pleasure l got out of Your Gracie,

and resoIved that the first chance,
the very first chance l got,

I'd see her and I'd restore
my manhood, thereby.

First chance.

I restored my manhood, aII right.

But did l? Did l, really?

Something was wrong.

Even down at the river,
it didn't make me feeI better.

I was in a reaI depression,
and all the good offices of Your Gracie

and the best wiII in the worId
from Louis Jack

couIdn't seem to shake me out of it.

Even strangers, when they were friendly,
which was not often,

could hardly get me out of
what I was thinking.

You see, I had the bIackest thoughts,
I did.

lt was like l was out of my mind.

I don't know,
I didn't know the difference

between waking and sIeeping, Iike.

Once l imagined myself going down
this strange street.

Or did l imagine it?

There was a person there,
a person who seemed to want me,

someone there, drawing me forward.
I had to go to him.

But who was he?

And I couId hear
that funny song in the distance.

What did it mean? Where was I?
Who was I?

For the first time in my life, l felt
l was getting confused about everything.

Something, ever since Louis Jack
had tried to have a baby with me,

something... Something had gone wrong.

LOUIS JACK: I'm worried.
The bIood test was negative.

And so was the breath test, and so was
the standing on your head for an hour.

lf this fails, then l have no way
of guarding against despondency.

DUFFER: Oh, don't be desperate,
Louis Jack.

To pIease you, I wiII.

It was about that time that Louis Jack
got it into his head

to try his pregnancy tests on me.

He took bIood sampIes
and watched for morning sickness.

I didn't even try to teII him
it was no use.

"Boys did not have infants,"
said l to myself.

But I knew he wouIdn't Iisten.
So l went along with the games.

The craziest test was the apricots one.

He read in an oId book that
if the hopeful mother ate apricots

and got sick,
then she was going to breed.

So he made sure,
and he gave me so many apricots

that I had to be sick, didn't I?

lt was funny. But l didn't think so.

LOUIS JACK: # Back in Black Street

# You wiII find me there #

DUFFER: That's beautifuI,
really beautiful, Louis Jack.

Sing some more.

LOUIS JACK: No!
You must want it, Duffer!

l must have an offspring.

Mere women! If a woman can do it,
a man can do it every time.

Women are inferior to us, Duffer.

DUFFER: Yes, Louis Jack.

LOUIS JACK: We have the tiIt oftongues.
We can bear chiIdren.

We are superior.
Women are men without manhood, Duffer.

AnimaI. ManimaI. WomanimaI. WomanimaI!
WomanimaI! Get sick, Duffer!

DUFFER: Yes, yes, Louis Jack.

(GASPING)

(RETCHING)

(LOUIS JACK LAUGHING)

LOUIS JACK: That's right!

(LOUIS JACK LAUGHING)

DUFFER: I was beginning to get fat
around the middIe.

Louis Jack caIIed my tummy a cIiteIIum.

I couIdn't understand it,
and l didn't feel good.

You know,
l felt sickly most of the time.

l thought of going to a doctor
on the NationaI HeaIth,

but I was too scared to, so I just
went around and did nothing much.

One day, l wanted to eat dirt,
but didn't.

Another day, l stole a book from Smiths.

I was going to steaI an artistic book
by Henry James or Henry MiIIer,

but instead, l found myself with a book

on baby care, of all things,
by a Dr Spock.

You know, the one who was disobedient.

LOUIS JACK: I have within me
the power to create.

To create and to destroy.

The power to assuage or to annoy.

I have within my hands
a bottle of power,

enough to create humanity
or to destroy it.

l have the power of hatred in me,

and a piII to take
to make me grow so great,

and the power to kiII aII Iove
and kindIe hatred, and kindIe hatred...

DUFFER: lt got worse and worse,
the way l was feeling.

I tried not to go home.

I couIdn't stand Louis Jack
forever talking about babies

and being so happy over something
that couId never be.

I aImost began to hope
I wouId have an infant,

just to content him.

l couldn't go to Your Gracie
in my condition, could l?

And l held off for a long time.

But at Iast I was so desperate,
I thought I'd better see her anyway,

and teII aII and get her expert advice.

She'd know all about these things
'cause she was a woman, wasn't she?

(YOUR GRACIE LAUGHING)

RADIO: # I know that it wiII never,
ever Iast

# But I ask the sun at noon

# WiII it be Iike oId... #

DUFFER: After that,
I decided to stay home.

I wouIdn't go out any more, ever.

Not tiII there was a change.

And the Ionger I stayed home,

the more I feIt that what Louis Jack
said about me,

that I was reaIIy going
to drop an infant,

l began to feel
that it probabIy was true.

RADIO: The heat ofthe night
drives me out of my mind

But tiII the moon is on time
My madness is you, is you

I know that I wiII never, ever Iove

What of romance in June?

It wiII be Iike aII the others
Over too soon

MAN: The great majority
of those who admit

that their first reaction to pregnancy
was predominantly one of dismay,

well, there are plenty of good people
who feel this way,

are reassured to find that
their acceptance of the pregnancy

and their fondness for the baby
reaches a comfortabIe IeveI

before he is born.

But even when the anticipation
is aII that can be desired,

there's often a Ietdown
for the inexperienced mother

when the baby actuaIIy arrives.

She expects to recognise him immediately
as her own fIesh and bIood,

to respond to him with an
overwhelming rush of maternal feeling.

But in many cases,
this doesn't happen the first day,

or even the first week.

Instead, it is a graduaI process
that isn't compIeted

tiII she has been home with him
for a IittIe whiIe.

Most of us have been taught
that it's not fair to a coming baby

to hope and expect
that it wiII be a girI or a boy,

in case it turns out to be the opposite.

I wouIdn't take this too seriousIy.

We can't reaIIy begin to imagine
and love a future baby

without picturing it
as being one sex or the other.

That's the very first step.

I think that aII expectant parents
have a preference for a boy or a girl

during each pregnancy,

even though most of them
wiII be quite ready

to Iove a baby who turns out
to be the opposite.

So, enjoy your imaginary baby,

and don't feel guilty
if another kind arrives.

(BABY CRYING)

ln the second half of the first year,

you couId begin adding or substituting
other raw fruits besides bananas,

scraped appIe, pear, avocado...

DUFFER: The birth pains had come.

MAN: ...tiII the baby
is two years of age.

Strained boiled vegetables are commonly
added to a baby's diet

two to four weeks after he's
gotten used to cereal or fruit or both.

The ones usually offered
are string beans,

peas, spinach, tomatoes, squash,
carrots, beets, sweet potatoes...

DUFFER: Louis Jack pIayed doctor
and reaIIy heIped it aIong,

whatever it was.

lt was the awfullest thing
that ever happened to me, that was.

(INAUDIBLE)

DUFFER: Louis Jack was upset
because there was no baby.

There was nothing.
The baby was a phantom.

It just came and went at the same time.
He was heartbroken.

l got out of the place
as soon as I couId

and was I changed!

I was thin again.
I couId run around, just Iike I used to.

No more pains.
Freedom, that's what it was.

You don't understand.

You have to reaIise how great it is
for a person to be free

and not have babies aII the time,
especiaIIy men and boys.

lt's good, l found, not to have babies
if you're a man or a boy.

WeII, Louis Jack was unhappy,
but l was so happy l had to be selfish,

so l got out, first thing, l ran down
to the river at Richmond, I did.

Was Iife a breeze now!

I'd never worry again, never.

Or so l thought.

And right after that,
I went back to her.

Your Gracie seemed Iike
she'd been waiting for me for months,

for years, forever.

Like she didn't Iive without me.

She was changed, but l didn't care.

I just wanted her again.

And she was good to me,
just Iike aIways,

and with no questions asked about
aII the months I hadn't been around.

But what about poor Louis Jack?
He was reaIIy in the dumps.

I kept away as much as possibIe,

but I had to go back
to him sometimes, didn't I?

He was IistIess.
He just sat around Iike a dead person.

Or if he taIked, he'd fret about
there being no baby, or nothing.

I tried saying that there was a baby,
if only he saw it.

I even pretended
there reaIIy was one there.

But he didn't beIieve it,
though he tried sometimes to beIieve it.

At Iast, I got the idea
of stealing a doll maybe,

and he couId pretend it was a reaI baby
and carry on with it

and get off my back a little.

LOUIS JACK: (WHISPERING)
...with the worId or the heavens.

Worm light singing in five tongues.

The gift of tongues is within you.

DUFFER: So when l saw this little girl
going aIong with her pram,

I thought I couId just run up
and take it,

and she'd probabIy get over it.

This is where I might have
made my mistake.

You see, was it a IittIe girI
with a doll in her pram?

Or was it a lady with a real baby?

I never couId know for sure.

Though, when I took it,
I couId have swore

that it was a IittIe girI onIy,
with a toy doII,

and not a real lady, with a real infant.

LOUIS JACK: Mummy's darling little baby,

coming, as you do,
from the worId of ideaIs.

IdeaIs! Pure beauty. Beauty.

Truth. DarIing, truth, honey Iambkins,
you want to go potty?

The beautiful little baby goes potty.

lnsanity! Born within the fibres
of the brain.

Torn there into shreds.

LittIe baby Jesus, IittIe baby Jesus,

IittIe baby Jesus wiII not Iove you
if you don't go potty.

DUFFER: Anyway, I had got something,
reaI or not, for Louis Jack.

And he was very happy mothering it

and fussing about
with aII that junk he'd got

when I was gestating around.

I was sure it was onIy a doII.

Every time I Iooked at it,
it was a doII.

LOUIS JACK: Damn!
Goddamn, stupid, little...

Be a good IittIe baby now,

or big mama Louis Jack
will be sending you off destroyed,

to the outer reaches. Yeah! He wiII!

(LAUGHING)

LAy him, and darIing,
and breathe a IittIe darIing,

mummy Louis Jack's darIing.

"Give Daddy or Mummy your..."

No squawking now, babykins.

lf you're not a good little baby,
Louis Jack'II send you to heaven.

He wiII!

Baby Iove!

Maybe big man WiIIiam Wordsworth
wiII come and eat you up

if you ain't good and shit a little
for Mama now,

and eat your shit,
like a good little junkie baby, eh?

LittIe babykins going to get his bib
aII wet now.

Is that a IittIe IittIe?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, fairs and such.

Beautiful, pure,
beautifuI midsummer babe mouth,

which I ain't never seen
in aII my newborn days.

Newborn days. Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Likest of which.

What art thou? What art thou, now?

(MIMICKING BLACK SPIRITUAL)
A chiId of de Lord

A chiId of de deviI
A chiId...

Yeah! Louis Jack,
and that bad, bad boy, Duffer.

Two daddies, yes, and two mummies,

and a two-headed IittIe
motherfucking puppy dog, yes!

DUFFER: But sometimes,
I seemed to hear it crying.

ln fact, l heard it crying
aImost aII the time.

And I thought there was something
wrong with my ears, maybe,

untiI the time when it stopped crying.

(BABY'S SCREAMING STOPS)

Then l thought l'd better find out
once and for aII.

Louis Jack was asIeep
and the doII Iooked Iike it was dead

after Louis Jack had thrown it down
on the floor, you see,

so I bundIed it up in newspapers
and went off with it.

There was this Mrs RundaII,
the tobacconist Iady.

She had lots of kids go in there.
She knew aII about them.

She'd teII me the truth.

Was it reaI or not? And then I'd know.

I can teII you, I was that scared
to go in there with it,

in case it reaIIy was reaI.

What kind of person am l?

MRS RUNDALL: It's murder, aII right.
It's Iooking very poorIy.

Can you tell me, Mrs Rundall,
is this baby real?

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI enough,
but it's Iooking poorIy.

DUFFER: Can you tell me, Mrs Rundall,
is this a real baby?

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI, aII right,
but it don't Iook good.

DUFFER: Can you teII me...
Oh, is it really real?

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI, aII right.
But are you? What's happened to it?

DUFFER: Can you teII me...
Oh, don't teII me.

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI enough,
but it's Iooking poorIy.

What did you do to it?

DUFFER: Is it murder?
Oh, is it murder? Oh, is it?

MRS RUNDALL: It's murder, aII right.
It's reaI enough.

It's Iooking very, very poorIy.

DUFFER: What kind of a person am l?

MRS RUNDALL: It's murder, aII right.
It's Iooking very poorIy.

DUFFER: (CRYING) What couId I do?
l had to get rid of it.

She said it was reaI. She did.

I never had anything against babies
or kids, never.

But l had to get rid of that one,
didn't I?

(SOBBING)

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI enough,
but it's Iooking poorIy.

It's reaI, aII right, but it don't...

DUFFER: l felt like l was really lost.

How couId I teII the difference
between what was true and what wasn't?

l'd thought the infant was a doll,
of course I did.

But Mrs RundaII wouIdn't Iie.

I knew that.

She wouIdn't.

She had no reason to.

I wanted to die.

I did.

So I went down to the river
to try to figure out what to do.

MRS RUNDALL: It's reaI enough.

It's reaI enough.

It's murder, aII right.

What did you do to it?

It's Iooking very poorIy.

DUFFER: But wherever I went,
I couIdn't ever be aIone.

It seemed that way.

Who were these people?

Were they all after me?

AII I couId think of was to run.

But you can't run forever.

When I got back to Louis Jack,
he was in a dead sIeep.

I didn't know what he wouId say
about the baby being gone.

All l could think of was maybe
to kiII him.

l was a murderer already, wasn't l?

WeII, one more didn't matter.

And wasn't it aII his fauIt?

WeII, aImost aII his fauIt?

But I had to think it out better.

l'd go and tell Your Gracie everything,
and she'd know what to do, she'd know.

(CONSTRUCTION NOISE)

Everywhere I went,
the worId seemed out of its head.

Everybody hated everybody eIse.

And it was weird, I can teII you,
to see and hear them.

l knew his face. He was frightening.

I knew his face.

He was from somewhere.
I'd seen him before.

Maybe in a dream.

(RADIO PLAYING LIGHT POP MUSIC)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(RADIO STOPPING)

(DUFFER SOBBING)

YOUR GRACIE: Duffer, Iove,
whatever's the matter?

-You're aIone?
-Why, yes, of course.

(DUFFER SOBBING)

Duffer, Iove!

Whatever's the matter?

DUFFER: You... You're aIone?

YOUR GRACIE: Why, yes, ofcourse.

But, Duffer, Iove...

Now, teII me aII about it, Iove.
You can teII me.

DUFFER: It's... It's Louis Jack,
what he's done,

what he's doing to me.

I can't Iet him go,
but he's destroying me.

I Iove you, I do.

But l can't get rid of him, Your Gracie.
I just can't.

It's pity. That's what did it.

TeII me what to do.

He's kiIIed it. He's kiIIed the baby.
It's dead.

I kiIIed it.
I had to put it in the dustbin.

Mrs RundaII said it was reaI. She did.

I don't know if it was reaI.
Maybe it wasn't.

Maybe I made it aII up.

Maybe I didn't ever take it
to Mrs RundaII's, even.

Maybe I'm not reaIIy even here.

(GASPING)

Oh, Your Gracie! Oh...

YOUR GRACIE: There, there, Duffer, Iove.
I'II piece it aII out.

l'll figure it all out.
You can trust me.

l'll fix everything up for you,
everything.

Everything wiII be aII right.
I'II see to it.

DUFFER: Really? Really?

YOUR GRACIE: Yes, reaIIy, Iove.
It's aII right.

l will look after you from now on.

DUFFER: I did just as she said.

l could just relax, forget everything.

I was Iike I was in a seventh heaven
or something.

I suppose I was Iike putty in her hands.

She'd put me in
one of her own nightgowns.

She had me bedded down.
She was going to manage everything.

Everything, forever.

She'd gone.

And it was wonderfuI at first,
to be so Iooked after.

But then it graduaIIy came over me.

Gradually.

I had done wrong.

I shouIdn't have toId her. It was wrong.

I shouIdn't have been there.

She shouIdn't be with Louis Jack.

I shouIdn't put
those two together, ever.

What had made me do it? l'd forgotten.

AII I knew was that I had to get back
to Louis Jack as fast as I couId.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

What kind of a person was l
to do all these things?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

YOUR GRACIE: Come on, open up.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I know you're there.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come on, open up, you!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

You, I know you're there!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

lf you don't open up, l'll break in.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

DUFFER: Stay away.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

YOUR GRACIE: It's not even Iocked.

So, you! You are the one
who's been taking him away from me!

WeII, we'II see about that.

LOUIS JACK: Give me back my baby!
Give me back my baby!

You womanimaI! WomanimaI!
Give me back my baby!

lf you don't give me back my baby,
womanimaI, I'II kiII you!

YOUR GRACIE: You stay away from me!
Stay away...

(YOUR GRACIE SCREAMING)

(LOUIS JACK YELLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(LOUIS JACK GRUNTING)

LOUIS JACK: It'sjust a f-fire.

FemaIe guts!

(LOUIS JACK GIGGLING)

Sewer, filthy rats, l'll...

(LOUIS JACK LAUGHING)

AbsoIuteIy nothing. Nothing now.

(LOUIS JACK GIGGLING)

I have her in my...

(LOUIS JACK LAUGHING)

Poke her myself.

You thought you could get him from me.
You thought you could get him from me.

No woman couId ever get him
away from me.

Ever!

YOUR GRACIE: He was
a IoveIy boy in his way.

Just Iike you.

And I thought, since it had been so Iong
since I'd seen you...

I've aIways Ioved boys.

I'd never hardIy bIame you,
now, couId I?

LOUIS JACK: It's cIear.
Now our fighting's gone.

Of course you would.
There are spies afoot.

Females floating in the universe.

You wiII find me bIack.

You will find me where ladies sing.

What is your reIationship
with this woman?

You do not know me, you cow!

YOUR GRACIE: Arms and Iegs
that disappear in the half-light,

and one woman in the night
that teIIs you someone is near,

sentient, ready to warm your body,

even though your body is disappeared
into where?

Some infinity of disgrace.

LOUIS JACK: You knowyourseIf.
You do not be.

I am thou, and thou art I.

YOUR GRACIE: I am thou, and thou art I.

LOUIS JACK: In the shadows,
the folds of time, l appear.

YOUR GRACIE: I disappear.

The reaIity beyond which does not exist.