Original subtitles

Captain: Gentlemen, when I look at this battlefield,

I see some of the bravest men ever to wear a uniform.

Is that you, Johnson?!

You're a real lazy piece of shit!

Johnson, wake up!

Johnson: Sorry, sir. Just guarding the tank.

Captain: You were sleeping! I heard you!

Johnson: But it's just so comfortable up here.

I, uh...

Captain: God damn it! And, you there, stop posing!

Soldiers: Sorry, sir.

Captain: Fucking showboats.

Soldier: Excuse me, dear capitan.

Captain: What do you want?

Soldier: Can I get some cigarettes?

- Captain: No. - Soldier: How about a rifle?

Captain: You're a prisoner of war!

Soldier: That doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

- Captain: It does actually. - Soldier: Does it really?

I've never heard that. How about a bugle?

Captain: We already have a guy who plays the bugle.

Soldier: I can for sure play better than him.

Bugler: It's true. I suck.

Captain: I'm not giving you a bugle.

If I had it my way, I would kill all Germans in this place!

Soldier: But you already killed all ze Germans in this place.

Captain: And I'd do it again in a heartbeat, so do not test me!

Soldier: Ouch. It's pretty mean to threaten someone

- with a war crime, my friend. - Captain: We aren't fri...

Soldier: Sir, I see something over there!

Captain: What is it was? Where's Johnson?

Johnson: Yeehaw!

Captain: Johnson, you yahoo! Everybody run!

Announcer: This is the "video journal of neurosurgery" with...

Guys, I told you the list is endless.

So why wait? Call this toll-free number and order now.

Girl: Pizza!

Young woman: Oh, wait.

So good.

Woman: Come on!

Man, I'm getting crazy.

-Yeah! Yeah!

I'm out of my fucking mind. Aah!

Let's fuck it up!

- Shh. Hey! What's up, bud? - Get out of here! Stop!

Young man: Hey, make sure you wipe.

J“ gonna die in this town j“

j“ she knows I'll never leave her j“

j“ 'cause I can't live without her j“

- take it. Take it. - Vodka? You want some of that?

This is my dick. That's right. It's big.

Come on! Don't be a pussy!

Oh, shit. Are you hurt?

J“ I don't think you could ever made a big mistake j“

j“ 'cause I don't want to never to get you off my... j“

j“ I love that we hate the same things j“

j“ I hate everyone else j“

all: R.A.C.K. Fuck shit up!

Welcome, everyone, to party of...

All: R.A.C.K. Fuck shit up!

These are yours.

That's the closest you'll be

to any pussy ever, dude.

- Oh! - Shut the fuck up.

I get pussy.

- Oh, you get... - I get pussy.

- Yeah. More like dick. - Who's pussy?

Ankur: Let me get a shot of this fine piece of meat right here.

- Look at this. - Rachel: It looks good on him.

Ankur: Why do you look hotter than Rachel?

- Kaleb: Who wore it better? - Ankur: That's what I'm saying.

Chris or Rachel?

Don't even make that comparison.

I'm fine as fuck, dude!

Listen, this is a very special episode,

'cause tonight, r.A.C.K. Is going on a mission!

We're breaking into the colony!

Kaleb: Don't use that word, dumb-ass. What is wrong with you?

We're visiting the colony.

The infamous colony underground.

Ankur: Ugh. Why do you got to keep acting so fruity lately?

Oh, what's it you, Mohammed?

Anyhoo, for those of you born yesterday,

the colony underground was this really wicked venue.

Ankur: It was an arts collective.

Kaleb: "Uh, it was an arts collective."

So, this arts collective had, like, hella shows all the time.

It was all ages, and some pretty big bands

would come from the city, like the kgb,

Eddie cash and the star fuckers, Valentine fox.

- Mostly punk and hardcore stuff. - Chris: Yeah.

We totally would have played there.

- Chris: Yeah. - Rachel: Oh, for sure.

- Kaleb: I'm for real. - We would have if it weren't

for the freak electrical fire

that broke out three years ago to the day.

Wait. Seriously?

Chris: Yeah, march 6, 1996.

Ankur: It's march 5th.

Rachel: Can you let him talk? God!

It's gonna be march 6th when we go!

Ohh!

Three years ago, a freak electrical fire

barbecued the inside of the colony underground

and claimed four innocent lives.

The lives of the very band that headlined that night.

Legend has it their bodies only burned

after being trampled to death by their own fans.

Fans so desperate to escape the towering flames,

they crushed their heroes under foot without a second thought.

Rachel: Dude, keep going.

Chris: Hmm?

Kaleb: Oh, yeah, yo. Look how freaked-out ankur looks.

Shut up. I'm fine.

Chris: Oh, your left pocket.

Is ankur a little bitch? Let's see, let's see.

Yo, it is certain. It is certain.

Swear to god. Look, look, look! It is certain.

Okay, okay, okay.

So, that band was called...

Bitch cat.

You could cut in stuff from the tape you have right there?

- Chris: Yeah. - That'd be a cool transition.

Ankur: W-what tape?

Chris: Oh, dude, it's so sick.

At church. Can't you tell?

-J“ you want it your way j“

j“ well, why don't you say so? J“

j“ ah, keep stuffing your face j“

j“ eat cake at your table j“

well, we weren't made by a corporation.

We grew our sound and our following grassroots.

J“ what, oh, is it gonna take? J“

j“ in the streets, but you love the chase j“

j“ I guess I've seen enough of you j“

j“ I know I've seen too much, oh j“

j“ my god, what a pretty face j“

charissa: We got in dierdre's Van and basically just played

anywhere that'd take us.

- We're road warriors, man. - Yeah.

J“ ohh, don't care about your labels j“

j“ get off my back, boy, you already know j“

rc: We don't even feel like we relate to la anymore.

Like, that stage is our home.

Yeah, and the fans our family, for sure.

Jessie: Our shows are these huge parties.

Everyone belongs. Everybody has a killer time.

J“ too bad 'cause I say so j“

sure.

I mean, what's a party without a little bit of violence?

J“ we came out to play j“

j“ get off of my stage, bro j“

j“ get off my fucking stage j“

-j“ my god, what a pretty face j“

I think america's got, like, a rage revolution on the way.

Everyone's just so mad.

J“ let's go, let's go j“

everybody's daddy got too rich.

-Yeah, so give us all your fucking money, daddy!

Give us your money!

J“ bad boy, you already know j“

j“ fantasy, I'm no angel j“

j“ diamonds turns black j“

Play or die.

Play or die. Play or die.

Play or die! Aah!

Kaleb: Oh, my god. Look...

Hey! Hurry! Come on, come on.

Yo, wait, wait, wait.

Tell everyone about the mission today.

Uh, r.A.C.K is going to the colony underground

to play a show on whatever's left of that stage.

And we're going to suck, though, because we haven't rehearsed

in, what, two months?

Yeah, shout-out to your Nazi dictator dad.

- I hope that's... - Kaleb: Oh my god. Whatever.

No. Wait. Come on. Like, what else, though? What else?

I don't know. We're gonna gig the gear,

if there's any that works.

Kaleb: Yeah, but why'd you make a stop here, huh, at your house?

- Come on, k. - Hey, no.

I just think inquiring minds want to know

if you're for real such a scared little pussy bitch.

That's all I want to know! Come on!

Hey, I'm sorry. I meant to say a widdle scaredy baby

who thinks he's gonna meet some ghosts.

Yo, Rachel. Get the camera. Get the fucking camera, Rachel.

Yo, why's ankur being a little bitch right now, huh?

- Stop! - Did you go warn your mommy

- in case you don't come home? - Get off of me!

Kaleb: Oh, no! The lady ghosts are gonna eat me!

Dude, I can't believe we're here right now.

Rachel: No. It's gonna be fun. Come on. Let's just go.

Rach, those chicks seemed kind of nice.

I just don't think we should fuck with their gravesite.

Rachel: But, like, you have to say why.

Come on. It'll make a better video.

I think it's cool.

Okay. Fine.

So, there are these stories, okay?

Hindu stories about bhuts.

- Rachel: Bhuts? - Yeah, dead people.

Restless spirits with unfinished business.

And supposedly if you bother them

they'll like... I think it was just like...

Rachel: They'll what?

They'll fucking possess you, okay?

Chris: Pull it.

- Chris: Yes! - We're in.

Rachel: So that's why you went home and got a baggy of spices?

They're, like, ghost-killing spices?

- Dude, just stop, I don't want... - Rachel: Relax, spice boy.

Get off my dick...

Whoa! Calm your fucking tits, dude.

Ankur: Yo, hey, wait up.

Rachel: Welcome to what's left of the colony underground.

Kaleb: Like, literally so far underground.

Chris: Yeah. Like six feet under.

Kaleb: It's insane that the whole audience

actually got out of here alive.

Rachel: Yeah, well, they sacrificed the band to do it.

Imagine dying in a stampede.

Kaleb: Herd mentality, dude. Sheep.

Still smells like a fire in here.

It's the crispy bodies.

Whoa!

What?

Ankur: Rach, I don't...

Rachel: Dude, come on. Just go. Come on. Hurry up.

Ankur: This place is a total maze.

So many hallways.

We have been down here for 10 minutes.

I have no idea how to get back out!

Rachel: Chill. I know the way.

Ankur: What is this?

Kaleb: The hell if I know.

Yo, I think somebody lives down here.

Look. Ankur, come here.

Look at this here.

Ankur: Why would anybody want to live here?

Kaleb: Well, I mean, for a homeless guy, it's not that bad.

- Yeah, I bet. - Ankur: Look at all the...

I bet we're not alone.

Dude, seriously. It's just us here. I know it is.

Kaleb: I bet some crackhead,

heroin-licking homeless guy lives down here.

- Ankur: Can you please stop? - Kaleb: Sorry.

Ankur: What are you doing? Stop. Don't go in there.

- Come on. - Kaleb: Whooo!

Ankur: Dude. Seriously?

Kaleb: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Ankur: You're joking.

- Yeah. Really. - Chris: Yeah. Fuck that.

Rachel: No way. Look. Someone made a shrine.

- Kaleb: What'd you guys find? - Rachel: Whoa.

Kaleb: No way. Yo.

Yo, Kaleb, stop that. Yo, that's not cool.

Ankur: Stop, dude.

Kaleb: Whatever, bro.

Chris: Rachel, come here, come here. You see this?

Rachel: Eww! Is... is that a boot?

Melted into the floor.

Rachel: These belong to one of the band chicks, you think?

Chris: Yeah, my money's on the bass player.

She wore boots like that.

Rachel: I'm pretty sure they all wear boots.

Ankur: Stop saying that word!

Chris: What? Boots?

Kaleb: Yo, rach, come here. You got to get this.

- Rachel: What? - Kaleb: Shit. No way.

No fucking way! Yo, Rachel, come here!

- Rachel: What? What is it? - Okay, you remember

- Amanda pears, right? - Yeah.

You cannot tell me she actually

squeezed her fat ass through here!

- Rachel: Dude, there's no way. - There's no way!

Yeah! That's what I'm saying!

Chris: Yeah, no, it, like, ripped off half her ass skin!

That's why she can't a job anymore except the gas station

'cause she walks too funny.

Whoa! It felt like someone pulled me.

Yeah, you fucking tripped, dude.

Ankur: Guys! Come quick!

- Kaleb: Whoa. Whoa, whoa. - Yo, did you guys do this?

Chris: No fucking way.

Kaleb: Rachel, look at this.

- Did you do this? - Rachel: No.

Hey, ankur. Surprise, bitch!

You guys fucking suck.

Rachel: Do you seriously think some ghost set up your kit?

No. Did you, like, steal this out of my house?

Rachel: Yeah, I fucking did. What are you gonna do about it?

- You gonna cry about it? - You guys are fucking unreal.

Rachel: You big crybaby.

Alright. Everyone try not to suck, okay?

- Oh, for sure. - You're the boss.

- Let's just go. - Thanks.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

Hey, hey, hey! Let's go!

Guys? Guys, what the fuck?

Guys, seriously? Dude, cut it out!

You guys think you're having so much fun right now.

If this is a joke, I'm gonna fucking kill you all!

Kaleb: Yes! Let's go.

He's so predictable.

Chris: No, we, like, really got you with the whole...

I know. Hey. Hey.

Tell the people, uh, how you're feeling right now.

Mr. Ankur. Tell them right here.

What?

Dude, you have to admit. We got you so good.

No. That was fucking funny, man. Seriously.

Yo, like, we were just fucking around.

- Look, it was my idea. - Come on.

- I'm sorry. - Yikes.

-Why can't you learn how to take a fucking joke, spice boy?

- Chris: Oh. What? - Rachel: Ankur!

Kaleb: What the fuck? What are you doing?

Rachel: Don't be such a bitch about this, ankur! Come back!

I hope the bhuta get all of you!

- Ankur, come on! - Damn. What?

What the fuck is he talking about?

Chris: So, are we still going do the jell-o thing?

Kaleb: Four bitch cats. Four sex dolls.

Welcome back, sickos.

We've come to the colony understand

to find a very scientific answer to the age-old question.

Just how hard is it to crush four chicks to death?

Let's find out.

You guys ready?

Die, bitch!

Oh!

Oh, fuck...

Are we having problems here?

Die, bitch!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Did you hear that?

Yeah, it must be a car outside.

They closed the road, dude.

Rachel: Jesus! Ankur, is that you?

Woman: Get off my fucking stage!

What the fuck?!

Bitch cats: Play or die. Play or die.

Play or die. Play or die.

Play or die!

Chris: Shit. Oh, shit, oh, fuck!

Please! Help! Help!

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, shit!

Chris: Oh, shit!

May you peacefully go to your final resting place!

I'm p s y c h o, m a n! I I'm c r a z y!

Rachel: Please help me! Somebody!

Please! Please! Anybody!

Please! Let me out!

Help me! Please!

Anybody there?! Stop it!

Stay away from me! Please!

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

Stop it!

Rc: You can feel it in the shows now.

Everyone's just so mad.

Jessie: What's a party without a little bit of violence?

R.A.C.K. Fuck shit up!

Young man: Quack, quack.

Soldier:

Hmm.

There you are.

Aah!

Hello!

Hey. Um, I just...

Okay.

I just had to record this video

after going to beta sigma eta today and meeting all the girls.

No, that's bad. That's bad. Okay.

Okay.

I just want you to know that from the moment

that I walked into beta sigma eta

I knew that it was my home.

I want you girls to be my friends for life,

and I'm not going to apply to any more sororities.

I knew from the moment that I met you

that we wold become soul sisters.

- A suicide bid? - Helen.

I thought you were studying at the library.

You're only putting one sorority on your application.

A suicide bid.

Yeah, I know what a suicide bid is, Helen.

I'm not stupid. So what?

Well, so, if they say no,

you'll be excluded from the whole sorority process.

And that means spending your entire freshman year

as an outcast.

You really want to take that risk with those girls?

What do you mean "those girls"?

I mean, you saw the way they looked at us

when they showed us around.

You mean you really think they'll say yes

to people like us?

No, not us.

Do you have a cigarette?

I can't do this.

Jesus Christ, Annie. You're gonna bring security over here.

What took you guys so long?

Don't get your panties in a twist.

- We had to get some supplies. - Oh, my god.

Turns out Lily here really likes to party.

Oh, we are going to party.

- You guys. You got it? - You got the keys?

My dad will kill me if he finds out.

Yeah, but do you have the keys?

You know I do.

Come on! Let's go!

Get my good side.

Woman: Hey, Lindsay.

- Oh, shit! - Oh my god!

We're gonna have a fun night.

- Oh, my gosh. - Don't fall again.

Isn't she the cutest?

Welcome!

Oh, my gosh. This place is incredible.

Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, man. We loved your message.

It was so... heartfelt.

Wasn't it, girls?

- So cute. - Adorable.

We were so flattered that you would suicide bid

just to join our sorority.

Yeah. Friends forever.

Yes. Soul sisters.

- Soul sisters! - Soul sisters!

So, what are we doing here?

Have you ever heard of the legend of giltine?

Giltine was a pretty young freshman who went here to tcu

maybe 20 years ago.

She wanted to join a sorority, our sorority, just like you.

And she was desperate and alone... just like you.

And the girls took her back here and into the graveyard.

And they told her that in order to be a part of their sorority,

she had to spend the night buried in a coffin.

Only they didn't just leave her there for a night.

They left her there for an entire week.

And when they finally dug her up...

There was no one in it.

What happened to her?

No one knows.

Some say she just crawled right through into the underworld.

And if you listen closely,

sometimes you can hear a knocking sound.

It's giltine, desperate and alone,

looking for someone awake who she can take back

into the underworld to play with.

Drink up!

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

We have something for you.

Surprise, bitch.

No way!

We want you to join our family. Right, girls?

We just need you to do one thing first.

Okay.

One tiny thing.

We need you to spend the night in a coffin.

Just like giltine.

Come on!

You're gonna have fun. I promise.

Woman: You're gonna be scared shitless.

Whoa.

Um, Annie, I don't know if I actually want to do this.

Oh, come on, Lily.

We all had to do it.

You... you all did this?

Sure.

Mm-hmm.

It really isn't that bad.

- I promise. - Okay.

Annie: There's enough air in a coffin to last you 24 hours.

The faster you breathe, the faster you'll use up

your air, so you can't panic.

-You can pull this cord at any time, and it'll ring the bell.

And we'll come and dig you up.

But if you do, you'll have forfeited your place

in our sorority.

Here you go.

Annie: We want to see how scared you get...

And so you can see down there.

Just... be brave. It really isn't that bad.

Annie probably won't let you stay down there all night.

Take this.

Only open it when you're your most scared

and about to pull the cord.

It'll give you strength. I promise.

Lily: Thank you.

Watch out for giltine.

If you hear her knock, whatever you do,

don't let her know you're down there.

If you let her know you're alive,

she'll take you back to the world of the dead to play with.

She's just fucking with you.

Wahoo!

B-s-e! B-s-e!

B-s-e! B-s-e!

Annie: Good luck down there. Don't get too scared.

- Oh, it's nice and cozy. - Any last words?

Annie: Alright.

Lily! Lily! Lily!

Lily! Lily!

Lily! Lily! Lily!

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

Woman: Whoo!

Oh, earth, earth.

All: Oh, moist earth.

You took away my father and my dear mother.

You took away my father and my dear mother.

Then take me also, for I am very lonely.

Nighty night!

It's okay.

It's okay. Just don't panic. Don't panic.

It's okay.

It's all just for show.

They're not gonna leave you down here.

Come on. You knew they were gonna do this.

I'm not scared. I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

Oh, Helen, if you could see me now.

"What did you do this weekend?

Library? Oh, that's cool.

Me? Oh, you know, the usual. Just buried alive in a coffin."

No. That's what you want, isn't it?

You want me to fail so I can end up like you.

Sad and alone every Friday night

wishing a boy, any boy would ask you out.

But I'm not like you. I'm like them.

It's okay.

It's all gonna be okay.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

She's probably so scared.

The box. The box.

What the fuck?

-Aw. Poor baby.

Poor Lily.

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

Oh, my god!

Annie: Oh, she's definitely shitting herself.

- Let me out! - Let me out! Let me out!

Get the bell!

If they find out we're doing a hazing prank,

we'll all get expelled.

Fuck! My dad will kill me!

No one's getting expelled.

We'll hide and we'll come back later.

But what about Lily?

I said we'll come back later.

Let's go.

- Hey. Dispatch. - We're 10-61 at the cemetery.

Do respond with an update.

Man: Fuck this.

Let's get back inside before we catch pneumonia.

Help!

Somebody help!

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out! Please!

Please! Somebody!

Helen, if you ever see this,

I just want you to know that I'm really sorry.

I was such an idiot.

You're my best friend.

You're my only true friend.

I don't know why I thought I could fit in with those girls.

I don't know why I even I wanted to.

Oh, my god.

No! No!

No! No! Let me out!

Let me out!

No! Help me!

Let me out!

No! No! No!

Please! No!

Please! No! Make it stop!

Please! Please! Help!

Help!

Oh, my god!

Annie?

Annie, let me out! Let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

I'm gonna be fucking sick.

Are you fucking filming right now?

We have to get her.

It's too late!

Imogen, no.

It's empty.

Annie: What are you talking about?

The coffin is empty! Lily isn't inside.

That's not possible.

- What if giltine took her? - Don't be stupid.

Giltine's just a story.

We were never here, okay?

We never speak of this again. Understand?

Hello?! Hello?!

Hello, Annie.

I made a deal with giltine that if she let me go,

I'd give her as many sisters as she could possibly want.

Her own sorority. Soul sisters.

Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let... me... out!

Sergeant: Oh, my god! Anderson! Are you alive?

Anderson: Tell it to me straight, sarge.

Am I gonna die?

Sergeant: Uh, no, no.

You're... gonna be fine.

Anderson: My legs. I can't feel my legs.

Why can I feel my legs?

Sergeant: Y-you're in shock. Everything will be alright.

Anderson: It's all getting dark. So, so dark.

Sergeant: Ah, damn it. He's dead.

I really thought he was gonna make it.

Alright. No one else get bitten in half by the rat monster.

J“ yeah, boy j“

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "ozzy's dungeon,"

where boys and girls battle toe-to-toe

for the opportunity to have their favorite wish granted.

That's right, folks.

Anything your heart desires can be yours

if you make it through the obstacle course

and into ozzy's dungeon.

Let's kick things off with our first challenge!

Are you ready? Okay.

And...

All: Pop those balloons!

Host: Ooh, there we go.

What do you wish for?

I want to be the most famous and best basketball player

ever in the world.

You don't want to get dunked on, fool.

Host: She's gonna be alright, folks.

That's what makes ozzy dungeon... dungeon-y. Ha ha!

Here we go with our first-aid team always on standby

to take care of the boys and girls

who might just trip and fall.

They'll be...

They'll be okay... eventually.

Ooh.

I think my tum-tum is trying to tell me something.

Anybody else hungry out there?!

Alrighty then!

Who hasn't seen that movie?

Now, our first team to successfully

catch one of these delicious, beautiful Turkey tonkas

in their pie hole will go on to the next round.

Let's get started.

Ready? And...

All: Catch that meat!

Close, blue team.

Oh, yellow team, we're gonna have to open

that pie hole a little more.

Ooh, there we go.

Let's go. Let's get that mouth open.

Ohh! And we have ourselves a winner!

Drop it. Drop it!

Good girl. Tell us your name and where you're from.

-Donna! And I'm from Detroit, Michigan!

Host: Ooh, Donna from the big d!

Well, you traveled quite some way to get here, didn't you?

Mm-hmm. We drove all the way down.

- Host: You drove? - Donna: Mm-hmm.

In a car?

What? You're couldn't to afford to fly?!

- We're actually doing... - Alright.

So, now you know how hard the next challenge is, don't you?

Hmm? Now, not many people make it.

In fact, nobody has, Donna.

But I got a feeling. Oh, yeah, I got a feeling.

And that feeling starts down in my feet.

And it goes higher and higher. And it rises higher and higher.

Does anybody else have that feeling?!

Host: Oh, yes!

Oh, can you feel it, Donna?

Now, tell me. What makes you think you are better

than all the boys and girls that came before you?

Well, my family says

that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I know I can.

Right. Sure. We'll see about that.

I like this one. Okay, well, Donna,

let's just say that fate does smile upon you

and by some absurd miracle

you make it all the way...

What are you gonna wish for?

I'm gonna wish for...

Any hidden talents out there I should know about?

And... welcome back to "ozzy's dungeon"!

I'm here with the two remaining contestants.

We have Donna from the big d, Detroit, Michigan,

and Timmy from the city of angels,

Los Angeles, California.

Okay, so, who's ready for the final challenge?

Okay, kids, we are gonna start

by making our way through ozzy's orifices

and make our way back

to find a hidden flag in the cracked rock.

Then up the ladder we go and through the mouth hole

and down the throat

ending in this yucky, mucky mix stomach.

Ugh! And then through the green jell-o,

we're gonna search and we're gonna find

ourselves a red flag, and with that red flag,

we're gonna crawl on our hands and knees

through the large intestine

and then out through the poop-chute escape route!

Eww!

Now, if you beat the clock

and you get me that red flag before the time runs out,

you will be the first contestant

ever to make it to the dungeon,

meet ozzy, and have that favorite wish...

Granted.

Okay, now, before anything,

let us have one minute on the clock, please.

Wait, kids. Wait. Wait for my go.

On your marks...

Get set...

Go! Through the orifices.

And they're off through the... ohh!

Timmy, what a horrible start to the game.

Let's go. Terrible start!

Now go catch or get that flag. Let's get going.

Oh, Donna's already gotten that red flag

and has made her way up the ladder.

Let's go, baby!

Host: And here she comes down the throat.

Alright. Let's dig around for that red flag.

Oh, Timmy's closing the gap.

Oh, adventurous. Very good, Timmy.

You actually made it.

Alright, folks. We don't want to get the suit messy.

Did we find... Oh, good. You got the flag.

Into the intestine you go.

Timmy is not very good at all.

One of these... there he goes.

Oh, Timmy almost stood up there for a second.

Okay, let's see who's gonna make it

outside of this nice, big, long pink hole first.

Who is gonna make it out of the long

and winding intestine first?

Oh, there she is!

It's Donna coming out...

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

- No! No, Donna! - I don't believe...

Donna! No! Let me go!

Host: Oh, Jesus!

We might need a band-aid.

Oh, for sakes. Don't get that on my shoes.

Don't get that on my... there you go.

You're out. Keep going. Let's go, Donna.

Stop the game, please. Please stop the game!

- You mother! - Please stop the game!

Host: Donna coming... Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

Host: Donna coming... Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

Host: Donna coming... Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

Woman: No, Donna! Donna!

Take that shit off.

Yes, mama.

Debra: Do you know where you're at?

- Huh? - Hmm?

Don't none of this look familiar to you?

This is my set.

It's a damn good replica, huh?

Oh, come on.

You're gonna hurt Marcus' feelings.

He worked real hard on this.

- Host: Marcus? - Didn't you, baby?

- Host: I don't know a Marcus. - Marcus: Yeah.

Debra: Okay. How about Donna, my daughter?

- Host: Who? - Debra: From Detroit.

Host: I don't know a Donna from Detroit.

We got a lot of kids on the set.

-How many with mangled legs?!

Host: You signed waiver. You signed a waiver.

Host: Everyone... Everyone signs a waiver.

Debra:

Marcus: Baby?

Debra:

Marcus: Baby. Come on, honey.

Who gives a fuck about a goddamn waiver, nigga?!

Marcus: Honey, honey. Your blood pressure.

- Brandon: Mama. - Whew. I just...

I think I just need to take this shirt off.

You fuck.

Just...

Marcus: Ohh.

Debra:

- Host: What are you doing? - Debra: That's better.

You know what it looked like to me?

Is that you motherfuckers created an impossible-ass

obstacle course that mangled up a little star.

She was gonna be the one.

She was gonna be the one to make it out.

It's okay.

But look at that leg!

Show him that mangled shit!

- See? See? - Host: Ah!

Why's it look...?

Don't nobody want to see that on the big screen.

What does it look like?

- I don't know. It look... - What it look like?! Say it!

- Host: I don't know. It look... - Debra: It looks like dog meat!

Host: It looks like dog meat, okay?

Fuck you, asshole.

Marcus: Don't do that, baby.

Host: I'm sorry.

We almost had a winner before everything was canceled.

Okay? I mean, the show isn't rigged.

You showbiz, L.A. motherfuckers

make my goddamn pussy drier than the sahary desert!

- Marcus: Sahara, honey. - Shut the fuck up.

Host: Oh, fuck.

Debra: Let's just...

- Did you say it's not rigged? - Host: No.

Would you care to prove that theory?!

- Host: What? - Huh?!

What? What are you fucking talking about?

Brandon, get me the jug.

W-Which one?

The one that's not water.

Marcus: You can't do this, honey.

Debra: I won't say it again.

The fuck is in that? Huh?

Debra:

What the fuck is in that?

Debra: Didn't I tell you I'd get your dreamcast

if you did what I told you to do?

- Brandon: Yeah. - Host: The fuck?

My people know I'm here.

They're gonna come for me, you know, right?

They'll come for me. The fuck is that?

Aah! Fuck!

Marcus: Honey!

Host: Keep that shit away from me.

Get him up.

Look if we gave every kid their wish, we'd be fucked.

You know we're on a budget.

Aah!

Debra: Oh, what's the matter? Huh?

Are you worried about that pretty face of yours

bubbling off and melting off on my floor?

- Just... - Huh?

Smell that!

Ooh!

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Host: What the fuck you doing?

Debra: Ooh. This is the first challenge.

No, no. No. I need a helmet!

- Debra: Three, two, one! - Host: Untie me! Until me!

Debra: Charge!

Aah! Oh, fuck!

Are you ready for our next challenge?

Huh?

Are you hungry?

'Cause it's lunchtime!

- Alright. - Host: What the fuck?

Three, two, one!

Catch! That! Meat!

No! No! No!

- Debra: Ooh! - No!

Debra: Come on, girl. There you go.

- Host: No! - Debra: Catch it!

Come on, puppy, catch it!

I can't really catch it.

- Debra: Catch it! - I'm trying!

- Debra: Catch it! - I'm trying!

Come on, girl. Let me show you how you do this.

- Host: - I can't catch it.

-You got to go right up here and then...

Just get it all up in his pie hole.

Ha! That's right, puppy. Taste good?

Oh, shit.

Ugh.

Debra: Ugh.

Debra: Brandon, get that damn camera off the floor.

Okay, Mr. Game show host.

Now, when I say, you're gonna jump through these orifices,

go up to the ladder, climb in, through the mouth,

down the slide,

through the stomach into this pool here.

Mm-mm-mmm!

Host:

Then you're gonna find a flag.

And when you find that flag,

you're gonna come out this way.

Host: Uh-huh.

Go through the guts, make your way through

all that slip-and-slide until you get to the exit.

You got 60 seconds.

What's all the brown stuff?

Well, it sure ain't bean dip.

Host:

What if I don't finish?

Don't!

- Debra: Get set. - Host: Okay.

Debra: Get ready. Go!

- Host: - Debra: Come on, puppy. Come on.

Host:

Make that run, make that run, make that run!

Host:

Debra: There you go!

Yeah!

Host: I can't. I can't.

Debra: You still got more to do!

Host:

Debra: Down the pooper chuter!

Host: I don't think I can get through it.

Debra: Push on through!

Host:

Debra: Oh, oh, oh.

The time is running down!

Will he make it?!

- Host: - Debra:

Debra: Through shit city. Come on down.

Host: I'm coming. I'm coming.

I can do it. I can do it.

I did it. I did it. I did it...

I did it. I did it. I did it!

I won your stupid game!

Debra: You just couldn't do it, could you, son?

I beat the fucking clock! I beat the fucking clock!

You were a few seconds too late.

Debra: So sorry.

Host:

Brandon, get him up.

Host: No!

Host:

No winners. No wishes.

Just pain.

What's this? What is this?

What is that thing? What is it? What is it?

Wishes.

This is all about wishes, right? Right?

I can help get her wish granted. I can help you.

Are you fucking with me right now?

No, no.

-I thought ozzy was off whirl, canceled!

I know where it is.

I know where it is.

Baby, does that thing do super close-ups?

Because I'm gonna show you all how to make a goddamned...

No! No! I'll take you to it! I'll take you to it!

I'll take you to it.

What the hell?

Host: Security's gotten a little, uh, beefy.

Debra: Alright. That's okay. That's alright.

We can't go in this way anymore.

We got to go to the back.

Debra: What the fuck you mean you can't go in this way?

God damn it.

You remember this, Donna?

Don't talk to him, baby.

It's okay. It's alright.

You leave my girl alone. You did done enough!

Huh.

It's okay.

Marcus: Do you trust this guy, baby?

Debra: Hell no, but this is where we have to be.

Host:

Debra: Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Host:

- Marcus: Go ahead, honey. - Debra: Okay.

Go on. I'll follow you.

Debra: Alright, Donna baby.

Mama said she gonna get your wish.

I'm-a get your wish.

This is an actual cave.

Debra: What the fuck do you mean an actual cave?

I never been past the door before.

Oh, god damn it. We gonna be alright.

I guarantee I'm meaner than anything we'll find down here.

We want that new car

and $10... $15 million. Okay?

Marcus: Don't promise her all that stuff.

Debra: Shut the fuck up.

Brandon: Dad, I'm... I'm scared.

It's so dark in here.

Marcus: Do you hear that music, baby?

- Donna: Mnh-mnh. - Marcus: No?

What the?

Baby?

Wait.

Wait.

What?

Here.

It's fine.

- What are you doing? - Host: It's fine.

It knows my aura.

Make it a good wish, kid.

Brandon: What the fuck is that?

M-Mom, dad, what...

- What the fuck? - No!

- Jesus! - Brandon: Mom!

Dad!

Debra: What the fuck?! What the... what the hell she...

No! No! What the?

I don't understand! What the fuck is going on?!

Host: Oh!

Debra: What did you do, bitch?! What did you do?!

What the fuck are you doing, loser?

- Hey. Hey, is that my camera?! - Don't tape over my new...

Hey.

Hey.

Oh. Oh, you like that?

Oh, you like these? Yeah, I thought you would.

Yeah. I'm a big boy.

Oh, you like big boys? Yeah, I thought you did.

Somebody better call the vet. These pythons are sick!

Woman: Did you say something, honey?

Dylan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't... don't come in.

Don't do that in. I'm studying.

Woman: Okay. What do you want for lunch?

Dylan: Hot pockets.

God. Of course.

Delivery man:

Dylan: Holy shit.

Ohh.

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey! Hey!

Hey, you there. Get... Is that a camera?!

Do not film... I will tell your parents!

No! God damn it!

Yo, shh, shh, shh.

-Shh, shh.

Yo, should we get the cream?

Do it again, do it again.

Oh!

- Holy shit. - Boneh

- boner, what happened, bro? - What happened, buddy?

- Busted. - Did you just jizz on yourself?

Was I dreaming, bro?

Vvhoa, dude. This is fucking crazy.

- Whoa. - What the fuck?

Dude. What is that?

Ah, dude, that's one gnarly-ass snake, bro.

Anaconda. Yo!

_ -ohh!

- Yo! - Eww! Shit, bro.

Hey, boner, for 50 cents, eat it right now.

I'll eat your fucking mom for 50 cents, bro!

Yo.

Oh!

Holy shit.

Yo, after this, we should hit the stairs by blockbuster, yeah?

Nah, dude, radioshack's so much better.

No, dude, I was just there yesterday.

Nah. You're tripping, bro.

-Bro, you know what I was thinking about the other...

- Oh, shit. - Oh! Fuck.

- Dude. - Bro, you good?

- I'm okay. - Ohh!

Oh, dude. That's not right.

- Oh, shit. I-Is this normal? - No, no.

No, it's not normal.

It's not real. There's no way...

Okay, I'm telling you. It's real.

And you guys need to take this shit more seriously.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, that'd be crazy.

You know what? Just watch.

Come new year's, and all you nonbelievers

are gonna be fucked, and there's no way in hell

I'm letting you... Either of you into my sick

y2k bomb-shelter crib.

Oh, no. Dude, what are we going to do without

boner's bomb shelter, dude? We're gonna die!

- Shut up. - What the fuck are you writing?

My supplies, okay?

I need to have tp, condoms, obviously, and then...

- Why? - What do you mean why?

I think the world ending is more likely

than you getting laid, bro.

100 fucking percent, dude.

- This is the dumbest idea. - It's gonna work.

- This is the dumbest... - It's gonna work!

You're a fucking idiot.

Bro, it's for sure gonna work.

I saw it on "candid camera."

-God.

Look. It's practically invisible.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hee-hee.

- Follow me. - Alright, play it cool, bro.

Is he okay?

Hey, ladies.

What's going on? How you guys doing?

What are your guys' names?

I'm Cassidy, and this is Emma.

Cassidy, Emma. Emma, Cassidy. Cool.

My name's breckie, and my friends call me brex.

Like music and stuff. Um, I got a question for you guys.

Um, I'm with some friends over here,

uh, but we're kind of hungry.

- Is that a camera? - No.

- Are you guys serious? - No, no.

Wow. You are so perverted. You little creep!

- You better run, you creep. - I like your dress!

Dylan: Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

So fucking hot. Shit.

Go. Go, go.

Oh, my god. You weren't lying.

Dude, she's been out there every day since she moved in.

How many times can you clean a car?

I'm telling you, my new top three in the spank bank.

Sarah Michelle gellar, Britney Spears,

and this chick over there.

You are so lucky you get to live across the street

- from that piece of ass. - Dylan: Dude, I know, I know.

Look! She's bending over. Look!

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Brady: Hey, guys. What are you doing?

- Boo! - Mind your business, dickweed.

Dylan: Hey, what did I say about coming to my room

- without an invite? - Come on, dyl.

- Dylan: Out! - I'm not intruding.

Dylan: Now! God damn it.

Is he gonna snitch?

Dylan: Nah. I'm holding his warhammer set hostage.

- We're good. - Dude, let's go.

Awesome.

Holy shit!

Kurt: Look at her handle that hose, bro.

Look at the grip, man.

Boner: Oh, yeah, dude.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - No!

- No! - No! Move your Van!

- Are you serious? - Right in front.

That's bullshit, man!

- God damn. - Come on, dude.

- Hate this guy. - Look at his socks, bro!

Hey, pull your shorts up a little.

Oh, he's got to get ready.

- No shot, bro. - Hey, man. Hey.

- Oh, does he think... - Come on. Come on.

-Does he think she's gonna go for that?

- Bro. - Oh, nah, dude.

- No way. - You can see

how disgusted she looks.

- Not that! - Oh, shit!

- She... she just went... - Wait.

Is that a new macintosh?

She trying... she trying to fund my college?

You could be my sugar mama.

Oh, dude. You're telling me, man.

Dude, he's still talking to her.

- Get lost. - Hey!

- She's walking away. - She can't hear you.

She's not interested.

- Leave, dude. - Get over yourself, bro.

- No, man! - Not the dance! Ohh!

- Oh, shit, bro. - Oh, shit.

- Get out of here. - Bro.

What's with all the weird statues?

Maybe her family's European?

Hey, they are classy and sexually liberal.

-Ohh.

Dude, that is what I'm talking about.

I think I'm in love.

- Ooh. - Oh, my god.

She's going for the shower. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Please, please, please. - She is gonna get naked.

- Please. - No, no!

- Don't do any more! - No!

God damn it.

We got to get a better angle.

Okay, I will buy the safe from you for $100.

Final offer.

Be off the chain, bro.

You got limp bizkit, you got creed,

you got hole, you got korn.

Hey, guys, let's hear boner out. Let's hear boner out.

- Woodstock. Aah! - Dude, I swear to...

- I got your concert. - Oh, come... shut up, dude.

Come on, come on, I'm killing it right now.

- No. - Lame.

Your brother sucks.

Oh, shit.

- Oh. - Wait.

He's got his little baby pads.

- What is he doing? - Fuck.

Dylan: I can't believe I'm related to him.

- Hey, look. - Ohh.

He's not gonna snitch on us, right?

'Cause I need this, like, really badly.

- What the fuck? - Yo, you don't just walk up

and talk to a girl like that.

- Get away from her. - What the fuck?!

Yo, did she just voluntarily touch him?

-Is she holding his hand?

-Dude, this is not happening right now.

- Whoa. - Is he... he's going inside.

Dude. Holy shit.

-She probably feels bad for him.

-Oh, my god. I want her to feel bad for me every day.

-Brady is a goddamn pimp!

Dylan: Hey, shut up, man.

Brady, dude, mad respect.

Yo, does she have a boyfriend, though?

What does she smell like?

Does she have the hot-girl stink?

Who? Sandra?

- Holy shit. - You're on a first-name basis?

-Hey, hey, hey, let the kid talk.

- Oh, my god. - Yeah, I'm supposed to go over

and help her set up a webcam tomorrow, so...

-Oh, shit, dude.

-Sounds like a date.

-Yo, I never would have guessed he's got more game

than his big bro.

Dylan: Yo, shut the fuck up!

I've got an idea.

Alright. Just level with me. Is it possible?

Yeah, I could install a spyware program,

but if I get caught, she'll... she'll kill me.

Then you'll die a hero.

Brady, if you do this, you'll be a fucking legend.

Plus you can hang out with us tonight.

Really?

He's in, boys.

There we go.

- Don't look... - Turn around!

- Oh, my god. - Fucking Brady.

-Dude, your brother. Oh, my god.

-Jesus Christ.

Hey.

-Maybe she's a sculptor.

-Dude, they kind of look like boner.

- Hey, hey. - Okay, yeah.

- Better-looking. - Shut up.

- "Dear, penthouse."

-God damn.

-Alright. Alright. Wrap it up.

-Mm, I need this so badly.

- Shit, man. - I can't watch.

I'm gonna throw up.

-It's okay, boner.

-Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.

-Now or never, dude. Go, go, go.

-What the hell is spyware anyway?

- Come on, Brady. - You got this. You got this.

- Oh, my god. - Oh, shit.

- Oh, my god. - Hurry!

- Jesus. - Oh, my god.

- We're dead. - I can't watch this, dude.

- Fuck, fuck. - He's dead, he's dead.

-He's dead.

- Is it... - I'm gonna throw up.

- Oh, we got it. - Come on, come on.

-Did he save it?

- Is it...? - Oh, shit.

-Yo, that's some "goldeneye" shit right there, dude.

This kid's taking way toolong.

- Let him do his thing. - Dear, god, I know

I never really pray to you about anything ever,

but please do not be an asshole about this.

Did it work?

-We're in.

- Yes! - No shit.

- The kid did it. - Yeah.

-Hey, he was a kid five minutes ago.

This gentleman is a man.

- Hey, you did good. - Cool.

- Cheers. - Cheers, bud.

-Glorious.

Oh, wow.

-Technology is amazing, man!

- Yo, boner, that's my computer. - Hey, boner.

-Guys, guys. Shower time.

-Finally, bro.

My balls were about to discover a new shade of blue.

-Holy shit. I can't wait to see those titties.

-This is the greatest day of my life.

-Ohh.

-Come on. Go for it.

- Whoa. - Oh, my god.

- Hey. What's up? - Y-You don't like the beer?

-I just feel like a creep.

-Dude, we're just having some fun.

-I know. It's just...

She trusted me, man. Just shut it off.

-We will, we will, in a little while.

Hey, Brady, where are you going, man?

- Oh, fuck it. - The Internet is awesome.

-Yeah.

Eww!

-Yo, what? She's double-jointed?

- Gross. - I'd still tap that.

-Contortionist.

- A wig. I knew it. - I fucking knew it.

- Oh! Oh! - What the fuck?

- Oh, oh. - Uh...

- Yo, wait, wait, wait. - Is this that cgi thing?

- Man, it's still... - It's still kind of hot.

- I do not... I don't like it. - I don't like it.

- Nah. - Holy shit.

- Guys, she sees us. - Like, you need

to call an ambulance, the police, and then your parents.

- Call your parents. - I got it.

911. What is your emergency?

-Yeah, I'm calling about a girl with snakes in her head.

- How many snakes, sir? - I don't know how many snakes!

Oh, shit.

- Yo, yo. Did you hear that? - What was that?

- Yo. Yo, yo, yo. - She's on the roof, dude.

- What the fuck? - Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, no.

-Oh, my god!

-Get the fuck out of here!

What's going on?

Go, go, go, go, go!

- We need to get out. - We need to get out of here.

Brady.

S-Sandra?

We... we didn't mean to hurt you, right?

Right, Dylan? We... oh, my g...

Dylan: No! Nobody... Leave him alone!

No!

Jane McAllister, 48...

Nate: Sorry, hold up your release.

Jane McAllister, 48.

Troy: Got it.

Man: This is where the vessel will lie during the ritual.

Nate: Are you nervous at all?

No, I'm not part of the coven.

I'm just the husband in the background.

But, yeah, I'm nervous.

Hey.

Did you eat something before we left?

Yeah, I grabbed one of your gogurts.

That's not a meal, man.

I ate two of them.

So, tell us why you volunteered to be the vessel,

and start off by saying,

"I volunteered to be the vessel because."

Um, I volunteered to be the vessel

because I've always felt like I was destined

for something bigger than me, I guess.

Does that make sense?

And I just want to say, it is an absolute honor

to offer my body as the earthly vessel

of our lord ukoban.

Nate: Thank you so much, Kirsten. Good luck tonight.

Yeah, good luck or... yeah.

You guys nervous to see one?

Nate: A demon?

You guys are in for a trip.

Nate: Have you seen one?

Nate: Wait, I thought it had to be, like, new year's Eve,

y2k for the whole thing to...

I mean, like, for big ones, yeah.

Jane: Julia, the book.

Got to go.

Nate: Okay.

It's important to massage the doorway to the other realm,

but we won't call ukoban into the vessel

until the stroke of midnight,

when the veil is at its very thinnest.

Thank you.

- The window... - Together: Window.

- Begins to crack. - Together: Crack.

- The gate... - Together: Gate.

- Begins to open. - Together: Open.

- The veil... - Together: Veil

- begins to slip. - Together: Slip.

- Ukoban. - Together: Ukoban.

- Ukoban. - Together: Ukoban.

We thread the needle with thy name

and pull thee to our earthly plane.

Troy.

Faces.

What was that?

What?

- Troy: Hey. - What?

Troy: I think I saw something.

Something's here!

Is that furcas again?

Man: Just cast him out, honey.

- Jane: Okay, follow my lead. - Nate: Don't stop rolling.

- We speak to thee uninvited. - Nate: Troy, get in there.

Together: Uninvited.

Our anger thou hast ignited.

- Together: Ignited. - _

Jane: All thy power we...

Man: No, no, no.

Jane: And do cast thee back...

Nate?

Nate, I can't see.

Nate?

Nate?!

What?

Troy: Nate?

Dude, how do we get outside?

Troy: Oh, dude, your head.

Nate: Whoa, stop, look out.

Troy: Oh, shit.

- Nate: What the hell? - Troy: What is that?

Nate, what's happening?

- Nate: Dude, what is that? - Troy: Is that a person?

Nate: Hey!

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

What was it? What was it?

Shh, shh! Turn the light off!

Turn it off!

Where's the button?

Shh, be quiet!

Something licked my hand.

- Nate: What? - Troy: Something licked my hand.

- Nate: Nothing licked your hand. - Troy: No, I'm serious.

Nate: Shut up. I do not care.

Shut up. Do not turn on the light.

Troy: Oh, what?

Nate: Oh, Jesus

Troy: Oh, my god.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Troy: We're in hell.

We've died, Nate. I shouldn't be in hell!

Stop panicking!

Troy: I shouldn't be here. I go to church.

Listen to me, there's no such thing as hell. Okay?

And you don't even go to church.

Mabel: Help!

Nate: Stay down, Troy.

Troy: Oh, shit! It saw me.

- Nate: Troy, shut up. - Troy: Oh, shit.

Nate: What are you doing?

Troy: It's coming. What do we do, Nate?

Troy: Wait! Ma'am, wait! Wait!

My friend and I are lost. We don't know where we are.

Thou art in the feeding grounds.

Troy: What's the feeding grounds?

The...

Oh, thou art fresh.

What great sin does thou commit?

I told you!

Look, miss, me and my friend didn't do anything wrong.

No, of course not.

No, we really didn't. I don't think we died.

We were doing this ritual

with an old book, and everything went wrong.

Mabel: Book? What book?

Troy, I think when those witches sent

that demon thing down here, we accidentally came with it.

Troy: Is that possible?

These witches were trying to summon a powerful demon

into this woman's body.

What name? What name did the try to summon?

Shit, I don't remember. Something like...

Troy: It was like qui-gon or pokemon or some shit.

The book upon the blood order?

Troy: Yes! Do you know him?

Yes. Oh, I doth hate ukoban!

Thou art not far from him.

Eight minutes.

Troy, what if we can get to this ukoban by midnight

when the witches take him through the veil?

Troy: Oh, yes! And then we can grab onto him

right when they take him through, and we can go home!

Yeah.

Please, can you take us to ukoban?

We only have eight minutes, shit, seven minutes now.

If I return thee to earth, wilt thou write my name

in the great book of the witches?

Yeah, sure.

My name is Mabel the skull biter.

I took command of 30 legions.

Hurry, run!

This way.

Nate: What are you doing? Keep going.

Troy: Nate, I almost messed up my hand on these spikes.

Nate: Get over here.

Troy: Hey, Mabel, can you go to hell

for an isolated shoplifting incident?

Oh, yeah, Troy, that's the worst thing you've ever done.

Troy: What's that supposed to mean?

Nate: Shut up.

Troy: No, seriously. What's that supposed to mean?

- Nate: Shut up! - Shh!

Remember, fresh souls taste best.

Mabel, slow down.

Dude, what if she's taking us to, like,

one of her little demon friends or something?

Troy: No, I don't think so.

I'm a pretty good judge of people.

Oh, excuse us.

Troy: No, don't engage.

Nate: Hey, keep moving. We're going to lose Mabel.

Why are you stopped, bro? Go, go, go!

Troy: Okay!

- Troy: Mabel! - Nate: Oh, dude.

I almost stepped right into that huge trap.

- Nate: Oh! - Troy: Nate, my hand!

Nate: Wait.

Troy: Mabel, my hand!

Hey! Stop!

Why art thou raising thy voice?

Nate: Maybe because you're leading us to our deaths.

Where the hell are you taking us?

No one speaketh to me this way.

In this world, I giveth the orders!

I'm a servant to no one!

Creature: Mabel, where art thou?

Return thee at once!

Mabel!

Mabel!

Mabel! Mabel!

Come back her, you oozing bitch!

Troy: We're lost.

Nate, take the light. Give me a turn with that.

What? No. You don't know how to fight.

Troy: Yes, I do. I took martial arts.

- No, you didn't. - Troy: When I was a kid I did.

Nate: Troy, just shut... Ah, shit!

Nate: Come on!

I'm going to stab you in the frigging face with this thing!

Oh, shit, Troy! Troy, we're running out of time, man!

She just left us here!

Troy: Maybe you shouldn't have been such a dick!

Well, shit, Troy, I'm sorry I'm not buddy-buddy

with every demon hellspawn that I meet.

It's called leadership, Troy.

Somebody has to take charge.

It's not going to be you.

Troy: Well, Mabel and I respond to a different leadership style!

Woman: Help me!

Troy: Mabel!

Nate: Troy, don't!

Troy, stop!

Troy: Mabel.

Woman: Help me.

Oh, help.

Troy: Uh...

Ma'am?

Troy: Run, Nate!

Why do thou scream like cowards?

Troy: Because there was this woman and then there was...

She needed help, but she's... her arms were...

Oh, thou met her.

Troy: They already got me.

Nate: Shit, man.

We only got like four minutes. We're not going to make it.

Men, we are here.

Hither be the back entrance to the dwelling of ukoban.

Here, where worm hath gone about her business, you must crawl.

- Troy, you go first. - Troy: No.

I only have one good hand. I can't hold the light.

We need the light.

Troy: I can't hold the light and crawl at the same...

I shall fix thy torch to thy head.

Troy: Wait, what? No. Gross.

Nate?

Oh, man.

Nate: Get in the garbage! Go, go, go, go!

Nate: Go, go, go!

Troy, move!

Troy: I'm trying, Nate!

What is that?!

Shh. Quiet, men.

Come on.

Dude, you just pushed me into that creature thing!

Troy: No, I didn't. It was a reflex.

Stop acting like I'm a bad person.

Nate: Shh!

Snatch!

80 seconds.

I say we make a beeline to ukoban at 60.

Troy: Okay.

Nate, you really think I'm a bad person?

You cannot be serious right now.

Troy: Well, excuse me for thinking it's a big deal

that my best friend thinks I'm a terrible person.

- Shh! - Troy: Okay, Nate,

just shut me up and ignore me like you always do.

You told my ex that I have a gambling addiction.

Troy: Two years ago.

I was just trying to make her feel better.

You never have my back, Troy.

Shit, 58 seconds. Let's go.

Don't forget to write my name in the book!

Oh, shit!

Almost, Troy. Come on!

Troy: Nate, look out!

Nate: Troy, just go!

Balls!

Shit!

- The time is nigh. - The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh. - The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh. - The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh. - The time is nigh.

- The time is nigh. - The time is nigh.

15 seconds.

Troy: Wait. Wait! Mabel!

Come with us!

Women: Ukoban. Ukoban.

Ukoban. Ukoban. Ukoban.

Mabel: Write my name!

Troy: Just go, go, go!

Jane: He's coming!

Nate: Troy!

Troy, we made it!

W-Wait, why... why am I tied up?

Troy: Nate, Nate, Nate!

No! Nate!

Woman: What are you doing?

Jane: How did this happen?

- How did this happen?! - Man: Relax. Just try it again.

Jane: You think we can just do this again, just do it over?

Well, we can't! We can't!

Man: I'm not the one who read the book, honey.

How did you let this happen?

Jane: Well, the camera crew wasn't my idea.

Man: You're going to blame me now?

I clean for you. I prepare for you.

I slept up for you, and this is how you thank me?

- Jane: Be quiet! - Man: Blame me?

You should have listened to me.

Jane: Shut up. Julia, where are you going?

Julia: I'm getting a mop.

J'ohj'

J“ sold into slavery down in New Orleans j“

j“ goddess of the bayou light j“

j“ black dog's head on the killing bed j“

j“ severed and left to bleed j“

j“ there on fire in the corner of the world j“

j“ there in misery j“

j“ there on fire in the corner of the world j“

j“ left for god to see j“

j“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ do you want to cross that line? J“

j“ 'cause it's a long way back from hell j“

j“ and you don't want to go with j“

jmej

J“ poison father of the human race j“

j“ god of the tainted blood j“

j“ malevolence sneaking up the spine of the world j“

j“ ready for the bastard son j“

j“ there on fire in the veins of man j“

j“ there in misery j“

j“ there on fire in the veins of man j“

j“ left for god to see j“

j“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ do you want to cross that line? J“

j“ 'cause it's a long way back from hell j“

j“ and you don't want to go with j“

jmej

J“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ yeah j“

j“ do you want to cross that line? J“

j“ do you want to cross that j“

j“ linej“

j“ wanna cross that line j“

j“ oh, sold into slavery down in New Orleans j“

j“ goddess of the bayou light j“

j“ black dog's head on the killing bed j“

j“ severed and left to bleed j“

j“ there on fire in the corner of the world j“

j“ there in misery j“

j“ Lucifer's face in the mirror when you look j“

j“ left for god to see j“

j“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ do you want to cross that line? J“

j“ 'cause it's a long way back from hell j“

j“ and you don't want to go with j“

jmej

J“ oh, poison father of the human race j“

j“ god of the tainted blood j“

j“ malevolence sneaking up the spine of the world j“

j“ ready for the bastard son j“

j“ there on fire in the veins of man j“

j“ there in misery j“

j“ there on fire in the veins of man j“

j“ left for god to see j“

j“ do you want to take a life? J“

j“ do you want to cross that line? J“

j“ 'cause it's a long way back from hell j“

j“ and you don't want to go with me j“

j“ hey, it's a long way back from hell j“

j“ and you don't want to go... j“

Jane: We thread the needle with thy name and pull thee

to our earthly plane, Mabel.

- Together: Mabel. - Jane: Mabel.

- Together: Mabel. - Jane: Mabel.

- Together: Mabel. - Jane: Mabel.

- Together: Mabel. - Jane: Mabel.

Together: Ma...

Man: Vroom.