Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, my mom hit the dating scene.

- The lucky guy was Joe Perott. - Wow.

And what started as a workplace friendship quickly led to more.

I made you a mixtape.

At first, my mom had no idea what was happening.

- Joe, are we on a date? - You didn't know?

Before long, she realized she liked him back.

- You have a crush. - I have a crush.

And, soon, it was heating up.

But that didn't mean she was playing it cool.

Okay, I'm deciding which sweater to wear on my date with Joe.

Does this say romance to you?

It says "Run, I'm a dork."

Poo! Ben, what do you think?

You got a brown sweater. I like brown.

Well, I don't like brown.

But I don't hate brown neither.

Very helpful. Adam?

Mr. Perott's great.

He once pulled me aside on the playground to explain

I was confusing the words "dunking" and "boinking."

- There's a difference? - A big one.

And it's that very knowledge that makes me want to have no part of this.

Who in their right mind would?

Okay, so, I sorted these by color and word count.

But I'm still partial to this number

with the fun little forest scene.

The muskrats are holding hands.

What the hell are you doing, dude?

Oh, I'm the wardrobe consultant.

I see that. Take it off.

If you want it to go well, just--

I know, just be myself.

Sure, that. But also, be a less pushy,

overbearing version of yourself.

Like, for example, anybody else.

Stop worrying. Joe is obsessed with me.

Listen to this.

Hi, Bev. I found an old box in my office labeled

"Adam Goldberg backup pants."

Should I bring them by when I pick you up?

God, I hope this relationship fails.

You all hear the desire in his voice when he said, "backup pants"?

- I really don't. - Well, listen again.

..."Adam Goldberg backup pants."

Oh! Stop!

Carmen's gonna be here any second!

This is not the kind of thing she needs to hear.

- He wants a taste, baby girl. -"Backup pants."

Enough!

Anyway, I had to move up the reservation,

so I'll see you at 6:00.

Six? That's now!

You didn't listen to the whole message?

No, I just kept replaying the sexy part

where he said "backup pants."-

Oh, great, he's here.

You need to change. Geoff, find anything.

Uh, okay.

Oh, no! Carmen is here, too.

And he has the pants!

Geoff, sweaters! Go! Go! Go!

There's a note pinned to them that says

"In case Adam Goldberg has an emergency"!

Okay, everybody stop panicking.

The man has a hunger,

a hunger for a steaming plate of Bev.

Now Carmen's examining the pants!

And he's explaining them!

Just put anything on!

Her face is a horror show of emotions!

I need to do something!

"Slam Boink." You did it.

I don't hate brown anymore.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps Getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 12th, 1980-something,

and like always, my brother was running hot.

Hey, hon. How's it going?

Good, if it was opposite day.

I have two finals Friday.

The landlord wants more rent,

even though we just paid 30 days ago.

And you know that hotshot pigeon?

He's been on the windowsill mocking me all day!

So, happy anniversary!

Anniversary. Right.

- Barry, did you forget? - No!

My gift was hidden far away. I'll be back.

Yeah, it turns out Barry's day wasn't getting any easier.

- Be back! - Okay.

Good thing he knew just where to get a last-minute gift

that would fix everything,

our neighbor, Virginia Kremp.

Stop what you're doing!

I'll need a dozen roses for my bedroom associate.

Ah, Joanne.

I remember that morning years ago at the park

when Lou looked away from the swing,

how far she flew.

And now she loves you.

Anyhoo! Charles is away at a hydrangea convention.

And since I'm the only one here, you're gonna have to wait.

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Argh! Thorns!

- More thorns! - Stop!

Satan's hearth,

why is your body giving off so much heat?

I run hot when I'm stressed out.

The doctor says it's because I gestated for 50 weeks.

We need to cool you off. Come with me.

This is nice.

Yeah, I spent two days in there during the heat wave of '73.

I bet it'd be nice to be a flower.

Hmm. Why is that?

Well, flowers don't worry about med school, rent,

or forgetting to get a gift for their Sweet Drawers.

That's Joanne. I gathered.

She also calls me Sweet Drawers.

Well, you're not creative, but you like each other.

You know, whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed,

I find it helps to focus on one task at a time.

Let's start with Joanne.

How would you like to learn how to make

your very own arrangement for her?

Deal!

With that, Ginzy quickly saved my brother's anniversary.

Meanwhile, my mom and Mr. Perott

were on their first real date,

which was off to a slow start.

Big menu, huh?

It is, yeah.

Despite their history of flirtation,

my mom and Mr. Perott

had already run out of things to say.

The bathroom stalls were, like, super big, too.

Oh.

And the... The seats were comfy, good height.

Uh-huh.

Yep, she was really digging deep for anything.

Were the men's room seats a good height?

I haven't, uh, sat yet.

Maybe before dessert.

That's when my dead husband liked to... sit.

Hmm.

It was a total train wreck.

So it was no surprise when she did this.

Oh, the vegetarian options look tasty, huh?

I am totally a vegetarian, too!

Oh? 'Cause at the holiday party,

you made a gingerbread house

out of ground duck and beef liver.

That's because that's what I was assigned for the potluck.

You know, more like pot unlucky.

I cried the whole time.

No, but you ate the whole chimney.

And then I secretly spit it into Principal Ball's briefcase.

- Really? - Yeah.

See, as a vegetarian,

I know I'm better than the flesh eaters,

but I never want to make them feel bad about it.

That's amazing.

- Mmm-hmm. - I had no idea.

What do you think about television?

'Cause I don't even own one.

I got rid of ours a long time ago.

Books are so much better.

I love books.

Books! With the, uh, words and pages

and little numbers in the corners that go up, up, up.

So what's your favorite book you've recently read?

All the greats.

The bigs ones and the thin ones and the ones in between.

I'm not gonna bore you with the details.

What's your favorite?

The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

Mine, too!

- Yeah? - The lightness.

- Sure. - The being.

- Phew! - And how unbearable it all is.

Wow, that's great.

- So, so good. - Do you like to go hiking?

Yesterday...

I was reading one of my many books,

eating a vegetable on the top of a mountain.

So, yeah, I love it.

- Holy crap. - Yeah.

- We have so much in common. - Well, you know what?

I bet if you keep telling me things that you like,

I probably like 'em, too.

Sure, it was fueled by lies,

but my mom could finally relax.

Barry also found an unexpected way to relieve some stress.

Joanne loved the flowers!

I finally understand why my mother says

you're her number-three friend.

What a fun thing to say to someone.

Also, I was honest with Joanne,

like you said I should be,

and she was completely understanding.

I knew it.

And the stress rash?

Gone!

Let me pop off these jeans

and show you in your place of business.

No, I'll take your word for it.

How could I ever thank you

in a way that doesn't include money or effort?

I'll tell you what, Barry.

You can repay me by working here until Charles gets back.

I can offer you minimum wage.

I'll counter with maximum wage.

- No. - I'll take it.

With that, Barry got to work.

And in addition to minimum wage,

he also got valuable advice.

Schools, relationships, growing up.

Sometimes it's just too much.

Mmm! Well, here's one way to look at it.

In every beautiful arrangement, the flowers work in harmony.

It's all about balance, just like...

- A scale. - No.

- A dreidel. - Getting colder.

A balance beam.

Think of what we were just talking about.

- Life. - That's it!

Yep, Mrs. Kremp was having

a real positive effect on Barry.

And it showed in all sorts of ways.

You okay?

Just thinking about how lucky I am

that you came into my life.

Can I brush your hair tonight

instead of you brushing mine?

Aw! Of course, Bar-Bar.

Working with flowers had made Barry bloom.

- Just because. - Just because what?

Just because you're my brother

and as unique as this desert flower.

I don't say that enough.

Thanks to Ginzy, Barry even got less stressed about school.

Whoa, that's the first test

you didn't get an "A" on in a while.

That's okay.

Hopefully, I'll do better next time.

It looked like Barry was a changed man.

That is, until this happened.

Your favorite person is here!

Oh, Barry, I have great news.

- Charles is back. - Hello, Barry!

As Barry was crashing back down to earth,

my sister realized my mom had gotten a bit carried away.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Studying up for my next date with Joe.

- This is... - A dove.

- A pelican. - Ah, yes! I'm getting closer.

Um, why?

Joe thinks I'm a book-reading, bird-watching vegetarian,

among other things.

Geoff, go.

Animal Farm was written by...

- A man. - George Orwell.

Oh. Well, I was half right.

Why would anyone think that you're an outdoorsy leaf-eater?

Because I told a few fibs to get our last date clicking.

You can't lie about who you are.

You're the one that told me I needed to be less me.

Yeah, less you, but not more him!

- This is... - An emu.

A blue jay.

And now I know.

This is a terrible idea.

Why are you two helping her?

She's gonna tell Mr. Perott to give us a ride

on the back of his motorcycle.

I'm gonna feel the power of a thousand horses between my legs.

Please never say that again.

I don't want to ride.

But I'll climb on and have Geoff take a picture.

Then, I'll tell Carmen I took the sled down to Sturgis.

Lying's okay because Mom does it all the time now.

Bup! Oh! I'm gonna be late.

Gotta meet Joe at the meditation studio.

Meditation?

You understand that does require you to be silent?

I like to find inner peace before a long hike...

Is something Joe said, then I said it, then he smiled.

Oh, dating is so easy.

But my mom soon found out

it wasn't as easy as she thought.

Is this not glorious, or what?

Yes.

I, too, like to make myself uncomfortable for fun.

Turns out, pretending to like stuff Joe liked

was a tough pill to swallow.

Can you believe this tofu isn't meat?

Mmm, so mushy.

Yep, my mom was in deep.

The piping plover,

gifting us with her presence.

Majestic.

Yeah, birds.

We don't eat 'em, we look at 'em.

But when a few tiny lies

turned into a dizzying web of deception,

my mom lost all her momentum.

Oh, Bev! You gotta see the view up here!

Almost there! Here I come!

I'm glad I put on makeup for this.

Oh!

Ah! Oh!

With Mr. Kremp back at the shop,

things were suddenly a bit crowded.

At least to Barry, they were.

Am I in your way?

Yes, Charles, you are.

Ah, thanks for understanding.

Um, hello, boys.

Hi, Ginzerale!

"Ginzerale" is one my nicknames for your wife.

It's adorable! Can I use it, too?

- No. - Okay.

Ginzerale, can I talk to you about a private matter?

Over the last few days, your wife and I have developed

a mutual trust and understanding.

- Super. - Charles, why don't you

go take five in the floral fridge,

or possibly Cincinnati?

Barry! Come here!

You're being rude!

I'm sorry. But I'm still stressed out,

and now Charles is here getting in the way of my progress.

I have given you all the tools you need

to manage this on your own.

You just don't know it yet.

- But... - Finger your pocket orchid.

Mmm-hmm.

How's it feel?

Like there's beauty all around me?

You just...

Have to look for it.

And when you find it...

My troubles become bubbles and float away.

See? Much better.

Now, I'm gonna need you to deliver some flowers for me.

But we can't have our one-on-one life talks

if I'm out delivering.

Why can't Charles do it?

Because Charles is my husband.

And you are my friend's son who once dug a 10-foot pit

in my yard to build a "one-man pool." Now, scooch.

While Barry didn't like the new turn his job took,

my mom's job of pretending to like stuff

had taken a serious toll.

So, how's the dating life?

Oh, so good.

Joe and I are so connected.

Oh, my God, the pain!

Hiking sucks.

We might be soulmates.

Adam, you want to help me with this?

I'm a "slow down to watch the car crash" kind of guy.

I like where this is headed.

There will be no crash, Schmoo,

- because I have a plan. - Hmm. This should be good.

See, after I fell down the mountain,

we cut our hike short.

So all I need to do is repeatedly fall down on purpose

for the next few years,

until he gives up being a boring person

with boring hobbies and a boring face.

Well, your relationship certainly sounds healthy,

and it's totally gonna work out.

Check me out. I'm all geared up

to ride Mr. Perott's hog.

So much to process.

Uh, I guess, first, is that my leather jacket?

Yeah, and the gloves are my mom's pruning gloves.

Bad boys borrow without asking.

Wait. Joe's coming over now?

Yeah, he called earlier to say he's bringing his famous kelp casserole.

He can't see how we live!

He thinks we're adherents to his freakish lifestyle.

Wait, we have to play a part in this charade?

Of course! One of the biggest lies I told is that

I instilled in my children a set of positive values.

Now, hide all the meat!-

And get rid of the six TVs!

Come on! Move!

You are good and decent vegetarians now!

So my mom had us pretend we were something we weren't.

And somehow, we were getting away with it.

Joe, this kelp casserole was divine.

What is your secret?

The secret is no salt or spices.

Just kelp baked in its own juices.

- Huh. - Very kelp-y.

You can really taste the ocean.

The no salt is really coming through.

Hey, Bev, can I ask you a question?

Sure, Joe. What is it?

Why do you have a TV in the bathtub?

It's our neighbors'.

Uh, we wash it for them.

Also, when I hung my jacket in the closet,

I noticed a spiral ham in a rain boot.

Huh.

And, lastly, on the floor under the table,

it's covered with kelp casserole.

Am I to assume that no one ate it?

In our defense...

Ugh.

I may have exaggerated a bit about, you know,

who I am as a person.

But why?

I just wanted this to go well.

Bev, I like you for you, I promise.

So going forward, you know, just be yourself.

- Okay? - Okay. Thanks, Joe.

Now I should go.

I'm already late for my origami class.

- See you soon. - Aw.

Aw.

See, you did all that lying for nothing.

Mmm-hmm. Quick question.

How do you break up with someone?

While my mom was having a change of heart,

Barry was about to let Mrs. Kremp know

of a change in plans.

Hi, Barry.

- Where's Charles? - Delaware.

Now, pull up a stool, and let's open up

to each other about things we fear.

- Delaware? - Yeah, I sent him out for a delivery.

- What? - Now, no one else knows this,

but I am terrified of being too successful.

Will my future fame and riches

intimidate my very average friends?

Barry, I'm sorry.

- You're fired. - What?

I'll need your pruning shears and bouquet tape.

- But-- - This is just the way it has to be.

Why is this so sticky?

I spilled three separate Slurpees.

Ugh.

Just like that, Barry was out of a job.

Meanwhile, my mom was learning

how to get out of a relationship.

Mom, this is exactly what dating is all about.

You get to know each other,

and if you don't like something you find out,

boom, trash heap.

I've just yo-yo'd him so many times.

I feel terrible.

Why do I have to be so charming and irresistible?

How does all this affect my motorcycle ride?

I may have already bought biker's insurance.

If you don't want to hurt his feelings, just lie to the guy.

She's done enough lying.

Exactly. So would one more hurt?

Ben, share your wisdom.

I once dated a girl in the Army.

I told her my heart couldn't take it

if she was called to war,

so I had no choice but to end it.

That is brilliant.

But in this case, it backfired.

She wasn't in the U.S. Army.

She was in the Salvation Army.

Great advice, Pop-Pop.

Anyway, we got married, we had Murray and some other kid,

and 10 years later, she left me.

Thank you, Ben.

I know just what I need to do.

And so, my mom pulled out this card.

My faith is very important to me.

So, since we have different religions,

different cultures...

we have to end it.

I'm sorry.

Beverly, I'm a member of the tribe, too.

Shalom!

- Hebrew-what-now? - I observe all the high holy days.

I go to temple regularly.

I play racquetball with my cantor.

Right.

Which is what I don't do.

What?

See, it's very important for me

to celebrate my faith

in a very low-grade, noncommittal-type way.

Hold on a second.

I come from a long line of extremely breezy,

unserious people.

Okay.

You obviously don't want to date me,

but you're afraid to just say it.

Huh?

Fine.

I don't think this is gonna work out.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Me, too.

I'll see you around, Bev.

Barry had lost his job at the flower shop.

But as far as Joanne and I knew,

everything was still rosy.

Surprise!

- What? - Adam and I were talking

about how sweet you've been lately.

I didn't get it at first.

I thought the cactus had a camera in it

and you wanted to catch me doing something weird,

like giving my ALF doll a back massage.

No examples needed, Adam.

It's just for practice.

Carmen likes to have her shoulders rubbed,

and with that responsibility comes pressure.

Anyway, we just wanted to show you

how much we appreciate the kinder, gentler Barry,

so we got you...

a new hockey stick!

- Wow, guys. This is amazing. - Mmm-hmm.

You know what I'm gonna do with it?

I'd say play hockey, but you never seem to do that.

I'm gonna slap-shot that cocky pigeon.

Oh, no! He's regressing!

Barry, where's your special flower?

Fondle it the way Mrs. Kremp taught you.

I'm just catching up to the fact

that Mrs. Kremp asked you to fondle something.

But, yeah, do that.

Oh! What is going on?

She fired me.

I screwed that up the way I screw up everything.

After all Ginzerale did for me.

Ginzerale?

Barry, it's okay.

Remember when she told you to apologize to me and be honest?

That worked out, didn't it?

You think she'd really forgive me?

I'm sure of it.

I think I know just how I'm gonna say sorry.

And I think I'm never coming back here.

While Barry knew how to fix things with Ginzy,

Erica knew the only way my mom would feel better

was to fix her up.

What's all this?

Just a stack of eligible bachelors interested in meeting you.

You're not the only matchmaking yenta in Jenkintown.

Your daughter's pretty good at it, too.

Well, it's easy when the product is such high quality.

I don't know what to say.

Just promise me that you'll always be yourself

and that you'll never settle.

You're too good for that.

Waiting is always worth it.

Oh!

That one.

- Ooh! - James?

Erica reminded my mom of how special she was.

And Barry had someone he wanted to say that to, as well.

Barry. What are you doing here?

This past week, you really helped me,

and I paid you back by being a jerk.

Oh.

Instead of just saying sorry,

I wanted to do something extra special.

So we made you something.

"We"?

Hi, Ginzerale!

It's okay. Barry said I could use it.

Oh, my!

It's you, kind of.

So many very expensive and rare flowers

we can no longer sell.

It didn't come out exactly the way I had hoped.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

And I was thinking,

maybe sometime we can grab a cup of coffee?

I would love that.

Almost as much as I love

this adorable and accurate replica of me.

- Do you want to dismantle it? - Could we?

♪ The world was moving She was ♪

♪ Floating above it And she was ♪

Life can be stressful.

But what helps us the most is finding friends along the way

who prop us up during the hard times.

I made you something.

Kelp casserole with plenty of seasoning.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

I wanted to.

Listen, you've been nothing but sweet and understanding,

and I really appreciate it.

Hey, that's what friends are for.

♪ The world was moving She was ♪

♪ Floating above it And she was ♪

And that especially includes new friends...

...even when we've actually known them for a long, long time.

♪ And she was ♪

If we're gonna continue seeing each other,

I want to get everything about me out in the open.

I don't show affection in public or in private.

I sleep in the pajamas God gave me.

I have several minor procedures coming up

for which I will need, uh, rides.

The two sounds I can't stand

are the laughter of children and music.

Ben, you know this isn't a date, right?

But you agreed to lunch.

Well, I was just being a courteous neighbor.

Plus, my husband should've been a clue.

Hello.

I also sleep in the buff.