Original subtitles

Tremendous!

Outrageous! Great!

Fantastic!

Tremendous!

Unbelievable! Unbelievable!

Excuse me. My gum was in front of you.

How do you know that was yours?

I???'?

Five seats in! Five's my lucky number. You American?

- Most of the time. - Want a no-frills?

- What's a no-frills? - Five bucks for a hand-job.

- Could we be a little less public? - Fifty bucks. One hour.

- Make it a little less. - Okay. Thirty-five.

- Good. - And ten for the room.

- And five for the soap and towels. - Well, that's fifty dollars!

Take it or leave it.

- Deal. - I'll meet you outside in ten minutes.

- Ten minutes? - Ten minutes. I have to meet Napoleon.

- Napoleon? - Napoleon!

Hi! You're right on time!

We can go over there.

- You want the private room? - Nothing less!

100 francs. Merci.

Listen! I do a straight fuck. I don't take it in the mouth.

I don't take it in the ass. And I don't take it in the bed.

- Straight fuck. - But I do a terrific hand-job.

That appeals to you more?

If you take a hand-job, I'll give you ten dollars back.

What would you give back if you didn't have to do anything at all?

Are you one of those freaks from the embassy?

No, I'd just like to ask you a few questions.

Like what?

Well, for instance, at what price would you agree to suck someone off?

I'd clean floors first.

Then we can safely assume that...

There are a lot of people in this world. And some dig it, and some don't.

- Would you show me your asshole? - What?!

Do you leave your bathroom door open when you have guests?

You can get the fuck out of here!

Don't be hasty.

- That sounds familiar. - What?

My God, it's Geraldine!

Geraldine!

Seymour!

What the fuck are you doing in Paris?

Paris is the only place to recover from a Lawrence Layman party.

- I was there! Were you there? - One minute.

I'm gonna come!

Well done.

- Do you have 100 francs? - Oh, sure.

Actually, I don't remember if I was at the party. But I should have been.

- Are you through here? - No! Come with me! Look!

This is something you really will not believe.

My little temptress, this is Geraldine Rich,

who is both very Geraldine and very rich.

And she would like you to give her some head.

- Oh my God. - Just a little suck between strangers!

Stop saying that!

You're the most disgusting pair I've met since I started making money in this business.

You should return every penny you've made since you started in this business.

Or give a rebate, like the car companies.

- I do my job. - You do?

My clear, you are the absolute nadir of passion.

The most unexciting thing God has ever created.

A sexual civil-service worker.

Nobody needs to read my last book more

or deserves to be in my next book less than you.

- What book is that? - The Annals of Passion.

- I'll send you a copy. - You don't know my address.

I'll send it to the seat in the movie theater.

Oh Seymour! She's only trying to get ahead in the world!

Does the book really work?

- You may be the exception. - Seymour, help her!

Well, I could if anybody could.

I could make her the Goldenrod Girl!

The Goldenrod Girl? Seymour, you go too far.

No! I could do it! The Love Lessons could do it.

Do what?

Make you Lawrence Layman's old lady at the next party he throws.

- Who's Lawrence Layman? - You're off to a good start, Seymour!

- I could do it. - Bet you.

- What? - My soul, Dr. Love,

and my commitment to publish the result.

You're on!

You want a job?

There's something about you that's not quite right.

I don't know.

Okay. See you in the movies!

Buy yourself some popcorn.

I gotcha all to myself for one hour, baby.

HEY! Hey, wait for me!

Good night!

I changed my mind. I'll go with you!

Okay.

- What's your name? - Misty Beethoven.

Is that your real name?

No, it's not. I took it to sound more important.

- What was it before? - Dolores Beethoven

I should have guessed.

Well, I hope you like flying!

Now... who gets the vodka?

I do.

And the Bloody Mary? Right.

- It'll be strange to be back in the States. - First trip?

- Excuse me, Do you think the pilot would give me some head? - No, I tripped with my brother when I was 16.

- I don't know. I'll ask him as soon as we're through with the dinner service. - It was at a dance. I learned a lot from that trip.

Thank you.

Well... you're gonna learn a lot from this trip.

Now, the Goldenrod Girl is the invention of Lawrence Layman.

Unlike some titles like Cunt of the Year or Ballbreaker of the Century,

the Goldenrod Girl is chosen informally and spontaneously.

Now, sometime during the next three or four months,

the period will begin where he's going to want to make some kind of a splash.

So, he'll announce the most exciting new girl of the season.

Usually a jet-setter. Sometimes an actress.

Once, they had a politician's daughter, but that's very rare.

I think that the time is right for a complete unknown.

- That's me? - No.

- No? - No.

It WILL be you.

Okay, let's get you undressed.

No, no, no. You don't do it yourself.

You don't know how, for one thing.

And for another thing, when a man undresses a woman he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that.

Or, if she undresses solely for him, he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that also.

Misty, it is your job to learn to develop in yourself

the instinct to convert a trivial act, a mundane routine, a daily chore

into something stimulating, creative, and above all communicative.

I think men stink.

Well... they think you stink.

In fact, it's one of the most perfectly balanced equations in nature.

Whenever you see that, it's a triumph!

You say to yourself, look: I made that. It comes at my request.

- It's my pride. - And sometimes a woman has to swallow her pride.

Can you make a man come when you want?

I think so.

Well, you're going to make three men come simultaneously.

Why?

It'll give you confidence.

The erotic impulse is like rain.

And as it seeps down the water table of sexual custom

it becomes less intoxicating and less potent.

It seeps down, social class by social class, floor by floor

step by step, until it reaches... the basement.

- Fuck you! - Nope. Fuck them.

Misty, never forget the cardinal rule.

As Hyman Mandell once said,

Never let the fact that they are doing it wrong stop you from doing it right.

- Who is Hyman Mandell? - I don't know.

I read that on the men's room wall at the New York Athletic Club.

Misty, now remember. Most women stop sucking at the moment of orgasm.

That, however, is when the real woman just begins to suck.

And one, and two. And in and out.

- When do we show her? - Soon... but not too soon.

Remember: The play is the thing wherein I'll catch the hardon of the king.

Lawrence Layman.

The man who gave the world the magazine Goldenrod,

right where it deserves.

You know, you're selfish.

You know you're self-obsessed.

You know you're an egomaniac.

You know your magazine stinks?

You know, you're not as bright as everyone thinks you are.

You know, you're not so talented.

You know you have a gray hair?

A gray hair? What the fuck are you talking about I got a gray hair? Where?

You know, she did okay.

What's the artful dodger thinking of now?

Get to the battle early! Nelson said that.

- Lord Nelson? - No, Nelson Eddie. In Naughty Marietta.

- Why get to the battle early? - So you can leave early. How do I know!

- Let's go to Rome. - We can stay at my place!

- I can confirm your return on that date. - That's wonderful.

The destination is New York, and that's first class?

- Correct. - Which part of First Class?

- Sex or non-sex? - Sex.

First Class sex non-smoking or First Class sex smoking?

First Class sex non-smoking.

First class sex non-smoking adult film or first class sex non-smoking family film?

Oh, First Class sex non-smoking adult film.

First class sex non-smoking adult film vegetarian, Kosher, or regular meals?

Regular meals.

Are you a fucker or mostly interested in a little head?

- Just a little head. - Very good.

That's three seats, Cascade flight 111, destination New York.

First Class, sex, non-smoking, adult film, no special meals,

interested in a little head and a lot of pleasure. Happy landing.

Thank you.

Okay, let's see. We have one dinner, a brandy, two blow-jobs and a headset, right?

Excuse me, but I had one blow job and I haven't gotten my brandy yet.

Oh, okay. Look, you've charged him here for two blow-jobs and a brandy.

Now, he's only had one blow-job and he hasn't gotten his brandy.

Oh, excuse me. Just let me get rid of these things, okay?

Madam? Excuse me.

Madam? Madam?

Madam?

- Yes? - Are you holding a first class ticket?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to return to the coach section.

Could you wait one minute, please?

Passengers holding coach tickets are permitted in the First Class cabin

only before take-off and after landing.

Rules are rules... pilot's wife or no pilot's wife.

- Where are we staying? - Geraldine's little shack in the country.

What's the biggest difference between New York and Rome?

There aren't as many Italians in Rome.

- Hey, I like what you've clone! - It's home.

- Seymour, when do you want the car? - Six o'clock tomorrow.

Well, Misty...

Misty, in order to be something sexually,

it is absolutely necessary to begin by being nothing sexually.

- Like my Napoleon? - We're not even gonna talk about him.

Now the important thing is that you learn to concentrate on what you're doing.

That's why tomorrow night I don't want you to say a word.

Is that important?

Misty, do you know why people have unsatisfactory sexual relations?

- No. - Because they talk too goddamn much.

And the say the wrong thing. They turn somebody on and then immediately they turn them off.

And we don't want to make that mistake with you.

So tomorrow night, I don't want you to open your mouth.

- You don't? - Well... you know what I mean.

Tomorrow night, you're going out to the ballet with some delightful people.

You know how I hate being late anywhere.

Please!

We could've gotten home thirty minutes sooner if you didn't have to putz around that way.

- How are you? - Hi.

Hi, how are you?

They should have picked him up by now.

- Nice meeting you. - Thank you.

Don't talk with your mouth full!

They should be at the opera house.

Now, Alfredo Spantini is a man who when he wants to get off,

wants to get off right away, no matter where he happens to be.

But he has a special problem. He has difficulty sustaining his excitement.

And right now they should be in the toilet.

Blast off!

I have never seen anything so shocking in all my life!

Don't you young people have any respect for others any more?

I never would have done such a thing when I was your age!

I would have had more consideration for other people!

Why, if he couldn't control himself, I would have sucked him off in a telephone booth.

Did you hear what happened at the ballet in Rome the other night?

No! What happened?

This girl did a number with Alfredo Spantini in the toilet.

- Oh, you don't say! - Everybody in Rome is talking about it!

- Oh, you know how they exaggerate. - Quite shocking.

I hear she swings both ways.

So what? My wife fucked the maid for years. It never affected her relationship with her lover.

- Who is she? - I think she's new. Her name is...

Misty Beethoven! So long.

Dear, have you ever heard of a girl named Misty Beethoven?

No. Why?

Exaviera Bernstein said that she freaked everyone at the Firebird in Rome Monday night.

- Yeah? - Yes. Matinee AND evening performances.

So who the fuck is she?

Misty Beethoven is getting her name in the paper!

They're talking about Misty Beethoven!

They're talking about Misty Beethoven!

It says here that Misty Beethoven is the perfect example of an oversexed Capricorn.

Misty Beethoven?

Yes. The new cunt on the scene. Get me a run-down on her.

Hey! Did you hear Misty Beethoven was born on the International Date Line

and only three astrologers in the world can do her chart!

It seems she has the compulsion to be sexually satisfied wherever she happens to be.

- She must be a Scorpio. - Scorpio?

Aren't Scorpios usually frigid?

It says here that Misty Beethoven is the perfect example of an Aquarius!

Aquarius! Aquarians take it in the ass, don't they?

Of course they do, you romantic fool! Of course they do.

So what did you find out about her?

Well... Sandra Bromowitz thinks she may be from Belgium!

I'll never get this.

- Who on earth is she? - I don't know. I've heard...

that her mother's Hungarian.

Hungarian! It's getting better.

- I think she's ready. - For what?

To venture out into the world and simultaneously, at the very same moment

without her fingers leaving her hands, both scheme and fuck at the same time.

Stupendous, Dr. Love. Want a bet?

You're on.

Who is she going to ball?

- She is going to ball an impotent man. - I'm leaving.

She's not up to that.

Maybe not. But let's hope she's down to it.

- I know I'll blow it. - Well said, my dear.

But don't worry. It may look like we're rushing things a bit,

but the fact is if you're going to walk and talk at the same time, it's necessary

that we find somebody that if you do fall on your ass, it won't make any difference.

Sounds like my first husband!

- The target is in Europe at the moment. - Who is it?

- Guess. - Chiang Kai-shek. No, he's dead.

It's someone who's really rather attractive for an important man.

Very straight and square. Hasn't even visited the closet yet.

- Did you get it? - Not a suspicion.

I'll give you one more hint: Geneva.

Textiles?

Well?

- Oh my God! - A box of poppers for the lady in the balcony!

I know a lot of people. Why must it be him?

- Yeah, why him? - It'll excite Misty.

If she lives.

How on earth are you going to pull it off?

I'm going to plan it. That's how.

Tanya, favorite of favorites!

- Seymour! How lovely! - I was in the neighborhood.

- You look well, Seymour. - I feel well, thanks.

- How many years has it been? - Four, I think.

We had fun. Say we had fun!

- We had fun. - Yes, that's true. We had fun.

Most of what I bullshit people with, I learned from you.

We learned from each other. Give me a kiss.

I have a matinee today. And I have a show to do this afternoon.

- You have so much work. - So much work.

- You look tired. - I feel tired.

- Very tired. - Very tired.

- Very tired. - Oh yes, very tired.

- You need a trip. - I need a trip.

- Need a trip. - Where?

- Geneva. - How much?

The instructions are in the envelope.

If for any reason you can't take this assignment, I shall personally

self destruct before your very eyes.

Now find an excuse to gain entry.

Photograph the layout of our prospective target.

This will allow Misty to feel at home the first time she's there.

In my opinion, they'll probably wind up on the floor.

- Well, what do you think of my plan? - You are meshugana.

- Grant me one thing. - What's that?

- I'm not saying it can be done. - How dare you!

But I am saying if anyone can do it, we can do it.

You are forgiven. And absolutely right.

Now the instructions on the tape can be transmitted easily,

and therefore can be meticulously followed.

- What's the tape going to say, Seymour? - Do you have to order it special,

- or do we have it in stock? - Everything here is custom-made.

Nothing is off the rack.

Tanya, how are you at speaking into a microphone?

Why, you know I've made thirteen films!

Most of them in Super-8!

You hold this. Take down every word. It's audio-visual time.

The bringing out of a difficult man. Sound only. Take one!

- Give her some body contact. - Body contact.

- Now keep after her. - I'm after you.

Find an excuse to touch him. Say Sir, there's something in your eye.

Sir, you have something in your eye.

Now he'll probably get uncomfortable and change his position.

Turn that to your advantage and move in on him.

I'm moving in on you.

Give her a little kiss. Just a touch.

I'm kissing you. A little harder.

Slowly kiss it.

Run your tongue over his nipple.

I'm going to kiss his other nipple.

I'm going to suck your cock.

- Lick the side of his cock. - Lick his cock.

Suck it like the inside of a ripe mango.

I'm going to lick your cock like the insides of a ripe mango.

Take two.

Ripe mango, take two.

I'm licking the head of your cock.

Why not do the sequel right now?

- He's almost here. - Agincourt in five hours.

- Nervous? - Me? Nervous?

Much too hysterical to be nervous.

I... I can't do it.

Would you mind telling us WHY you can't do it?

Because I won't fool anybody, that's why!

Never try to sell phony merchandise to someone who knows better.

You can't cheat people at their own game. Believe me, I learned that.

Maybe if I hadn't, then I'd have more confidence.

On the streets, it's simpler. Everybody does their number.

But nobody fools anybody. I'm sorry.

I would say that the plot has taken a sudden turn.

Hey! Who said anything about you being a phooey! You're not a phooey!

I'm not? Want a no-frills?

I don't believe this.

I know that listening to tape recorded instructions isn't enough to put me over.

That's not the right attitude. You're not going to fool anybody that way!

- I won't fool anybody anyway! - Hey, let's go for a drive.

Now Misty, when I met you I had my doubts- serious doubts-that you could pull this off.

I thought I'd have a book without a last chapter.

But you've been doing wonderfully! Beautifully!

- I might even say 'adequate'! - Thanks.

- No, that's a compliment. - Can you spare it?

You know, I find myself thinking about you a lot these days.

When this project is over, I hope it won't mean we won't see each other.

Really?

Look... when you come back from Geneva, let's have dinner together,

just the two of us. Maybe we can get to know each other a little better.

That'd be nice!

Attention household!

The one and only Misty Beethoven and her magic tape recorder

are off to Geneva! Polished, preened and programmed! Yes sir!

Excuse me. We're closing.

Now the instructions on the tape can be transmitted easily

and received comfortably, and they can be followed meticulously.

- How much is this? - I'm sorry. That one's sold.

Of course, we'll have to have Geraldine's assistance.

She's always willing to lend a finger.

It must be a power failure. Well, not much we can do about it.

We might as well sit here until the lights come back on.

It should just be a moment.

- Now move in close. - Check.

- What? - Nothing, nothing!

Give her some body contact.

Body contact.

- Now keep after her. - I'm after you.

Find an excuse to touch him.

Say Sir, there's something in your eye.

Sir! You have something in your eye!

Sir you have something in your eye.

- How can you tell? - I saw it there before.

Now he'll probably get uncomfortable and change his position.

Turn that to your advantage and move in on him.

- What's that perfume? - New Experience.

Give her a little kiss. Just a touch.

And another.

A little harder.

I'm kissing you.

Run your tongue over his nipple.

I'm gonna kiss his other nipple.

I'm gonna suck your cock.

I'm going to suck your cock.

Lick his cock.

That's it. Lick the side of his cock.

- I'm going to lick your cock... - ...like the inside of a ripe mango.

Ripe mango, take two.

Ripe mango, take two.

Roll it!

It's dynamite! Take my word for it, the girl is dynamite!

But I cannot claim all the credit myself.

Some of the congratulations must go to the one and only Geraldine!

Hey, you! It's past your bedtime!

- How's Misty Beethoven? - Fantastic.

I heard she fucked Jean Bonden in Geneva so well that he went straight.

His friends have asked him to see a psychiatrist!

I don't understand it. The girl was completely unknown,

and now she has seduced half of the unlikely men in Europe.

She must be completely infatuated with Doctor Love.

He's an animal! An animal! A total and complete animal!

- Does he have to be so insulting? - That's what writing a book is!

Listen, I know him. He hit it big when he was very young.

And he's starting to think it doesn't have the same impact.

And pulling this off is very important to him.

It doesn't matter. There's no excuse.

There's a way of doing things. He's always ridiculing me!

And the minute I'm not doing a number, I don't even exist.

You know he's never once looked into my eyes?

I heard him say one day that if you looked into a woman's left eye

you could see right into her cunt.

You know he's never looked into MY left eye. He's never looked into ANY eye!

He has to be the coldest, most insensitive son-of-a-bitch I've ever run into.

And I used to see a lot on the streets.

I'll bet if Doctor Love were here right now, he'd choke you to death.

Well, if he wants to choke me to death he'll never get a better opportunity.

Your sensitive touch is unmistakable.

Reminds one of a fucking hippopotamus trying to play the piano.

Thanks for the workout! I'll be champ yet!

- Geraldine! - That deserves a Masters any day!

- Right on, headmistress! - Your move, Dean of Women!

On to the doctorate!

Hello? House of Love. No, he's not.

They're all at Cinetta Studios on the stage where Lawrence Layman's

production is having its end of shooting party.

Yes, they should be back by morning. No, they didn't say which morning.

I have a premonition. Want to hear?

After your success with Layman, we're gonna have dinner. The two of us.

Here we go!

Go on. Straight up to him!

Tell Lawrence Layman that Misty Beethoven wants his quote fucking ass down here right away unquote.

Okay.

The furniture arrives on Thursday.

I'm very pleased you could make it.

I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

Misty, Barbara. Barbara, Misty.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

I'm gonna get your old man off. Does that bother you?

You don't think I'm going to let him make that perilous journey alone?

♪ Trailin' my bags behind me. Smokin' my last cigar.

♪ I wish I had her beside me. I wish I was in my car.

♪ Forty-nine crimes behind me. Fifty or more ahead.

♪ I said I'm lookin' for somethin' exciting. I'll be looking until I'm dead.

♪ You wanna love me and I wanna love you.

♪ You wanna love me and I wanna love you.

♪ Yes I do.

♪ Listening out for sirens. The wider the law patrolled.

♪ Said my burden of fear is lightened when the siren's refrain becomes old.

♪ I'm thinkin' of you every minute.

♪ You always are on my mind.

♪ The road is endless horizon.

♪ I'm so tired.

♪ Road is so dusty and dirty!

♪ My throat is so dry.

♪ This feeling for you is hurting me.

♪ I don't know why.

♪ Trailing my bags behind me. Smoking my last cigar.

♪ I said I wish I had her beside me. I wish I was in my car.

♪ Trailin' my bags behind me. Smokin' my last cigar.

♪ I wish I had her beside me. I wish I was in my car.

♪ Forty-nine crimes behind me. Fifty or more ahead.

♪ I said I'm looking for something exciting. I'll be looking until I'm dead.

♪ You wanna love me and I wanna love you.

♪ You wanna love me and I wanna love you.

♪ Yes I do...

♪ Listening out for sirens.

♪ The wider the law patrols.

♪ I said my burden of fear is lightened

♪ when the siren's refrain becomes old...

Thanks for the wonderful evening, Doctor. You really throw a hell of a party.

Say hello to the erotic Diaghilev. The Svengali of Sex.

Why, when I first met that girl, she took me to a place where you had to

pay extra for the private rats running around the room.

Sometimes, the idiot refused to do what I told her.

About this party tonight.

The cunt on many an afternoon said she wouldn't come.

What did you do about it?

Well, I gave her a kick in the ass and told the cunt she had to absolutely do it for me.

This approach is particularly successful when you ask them to dinner at the same time.

Something quiet and intimate.

That is absolutely essential.

When all else fails, you beat the shit out of them while at the same time

telling them that you love them.

All hail the Goldenrod Girl.

You weren't supposed to hear that!

I want to take this opportunity of thanking you for everything.

I've learned a lot. Lawrence Layman will pick up my things.

Hey! Hey, where are you going? You can't leave now!

Stay! You can have Caesar!

Why would I want Caesar? I already have Napoleon.

Misty Beethoven made quite a hit at Lawrence Layman's party.

Really? I always thought she was the best.

- Me too. - Where's Seymour Love?

Going back to New York with his tail between Lawrence Layman's legs.

Would anyone like to fuck a stewardess?

Duty-free ends in twenty minutes.

- Are we landing soon? - Yes we are.

Why did she do that?

She takes the cigars I buy in Jamaica and smuggles them past the U.S. Customs.

But it's not illegal to import Jamaican cigars into the States.

Let's start the book next week.

Never thought she'd end up with Layman.

Funny how things work out.

Wonder how they're getting along.

How late is it in Rome?

It's too late, Seymour.

Enjoy the movie, Seymour.

Still, she never did get it down right!

She was too stupid.

I could have worked a hundred years, she never would have absorbed it all.

She was the most unexciting thing God ever created.

The absolute nadir of passion.

A sexual civil service worker.

Fuck you, Seymour!

Sweetheart, look! I am prepared to accept once in a while

that as the erotic impulse seeps through the water table of sexual custom

that the purification process might lead to a certain...

Seymour! Do you know why most people have sexual problems?

They talk too goddamn much!

- I hear there's a new girl on the scene! - She's fantastic!

It says here that she's making a play for Lawrence Layman.

- Who was his last girlfriend? - Who was the last Goldenrod Girl?

- Misty... Mozart. - Was that her name?

Of course! Who could forget a name like that?

Nobody knows where she is. She was Seymour Love's friend.

They were very close. They always went everywhere together.

Now nobody knows where she is. Last I heard, she was writing a book.

Remember what Hyman Mandell said.

Just because they do it wrong doesn't mean that you can't do it right.

And one and two, and one and two...

One and two, one and two...

One and two...