Original subtitles

(male) They say that gay men choose their own families.

And that’s never more evident than during the holidays.

Boyfriends and, increasingly these days, husbands,

create their own families and their own holiday traditions.

Lesbians do, too, but this isn’t their movie.

Some men find themselves alone, by their own choice,

or by the choice of others.

Family isn’t always there for you.

And sometimes that’s a good thing.

But hopefully, your friends are there,

whether it’s a random Tuesday when you just want a drink,

a bad day when you need a shoulder to cry on,

or a day like today:

December 25th.

During the holidays, our friends truly become our family.

But sometimes, families change.

♪

♪ I’ll sing my version of “Noel” ♪

♪ Just like the angels sang ♪

♪ But this time around... ♪

♪ I won’t stop loving who I am ♪

♪ I’ll sing my version of “Silent Night” ♪

♪ Just like a mother to her child ♪

♪ Yes, I’ve heard that love is enough ♪

♪ So I will be grateful for this Christmas ♪

♪ Try to stop me ♪

♪ From being happy on Christmas ♪

♪ Try to stop me ♪

♪ From having the time of my life ♪

♪ Try to stop me ♪

♪ Oh, try to stop me now ♪

♪ Try to stop me ♪

♪ From being happy on Christmas ♪

Laslo, did you tell them?

Not yet.

Tell us what, Cal?

-Is there gossip? -There is.

About you two?

You’re finally getting that houseboy

you’ve always dreamed of.

Not for another five...

Ahem.

...ten years.

It’s about Joe and Bobby.

Joe and Bobby with a Y, the guys we went to Greece with,

or Jo, no E, and Bobbi with an I,

the lesbians who fixed our bathroom?

Greece.

(both) Ah.

-Well-- -I thought I got to tell them.

Fine. Go ahead.

You know how they missed our

“12 Gays of Christmas” gift exchange soiree?

(both) Yes.

Turns out they weren’t sick with food poisoning.

(both) No?

No. They were in Florida.

Why?

(both) They were adopting.

Oh.

A baby.

Right.

I thought I got to tell them.

But you paused like you wanted me to tell them.

Why would I want you to tell them when I had just said

that I wanted to tell them?

Doesn’t matter. The news is out.

Isn’t that crazy?

One more couple to cross off our social list.

And when the gays get a baby...

They become obsessed with fatherhood.

The best strollers.

The birthday parties.

The constant posting of photos.

They go from gay dates to play dates.

But we still have you two.

You’re our last childless friends.

Thank Goddess.

Blake. Ivan. What was that look?

What look?

That look you just gave each other.

Well...

(both) We’re pregnant!

Dessert?

Not yet. But I will have more of that delicious Chardonnay.

-Thank you. -You’re welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I’m so glad I could spend the holidays here.

Me, too. The timing worked out perfectly.

I gotta tell ya, this place is great.

Even better than the pictures you sent me.

I’m glad you could finally see it in person.

Any excuse to get out of

the East Coast polar vortex for a while.

But I’ll be spending most of my time out and about.

I’m looking for something while I’m here.

Anything I can help with?

I’ll let you know.

[cell phone rings]

-Excuse me for a second? -Of course.

Dylan! Roomie!

How was your flight?

Fine.

They rented me this cute little house

on LGBTQBnB.com.

Oh, yeah. I’ve heard of that site.

And just checking in, as requested.

Thank you.

I can’t believe you have to work over Christmas.

That’s positively atheistic of you.

-Blame my client. -I blame him completely.

I blame him for your total lack of sex appeal.

I blame him for your tiny penis.

I blame him for Donald Trump.

Well, that escalated quickly.

And when exactly did you see my enormous penis?

Um, every day when I’m home.

You always walk around the house naked.

Oh, yeah. That.

You’re welcome.

And to obviously change the subject,

I was looking at my calendar on the plane ride here -

and guess what!

You realized you forgot to get me a birthday present?

No...

Wait, did I?

I’m gonna say yes.

No, I got you that blue shirt.

It’s not just blue,

it's not turquoise--

Stop. Don’t do the speech.

It's actually cerulean.

I’m gonna stop you right there

and get back to my original point.

I calculated that I traveled a total of 36 weeks this year.

That’s 69 percent of the year.

How’d you do that?

Math is easy.

Says the accountant.

So the accountant says to the world traveler,

“You’re the best roommate ever.

"Your rent check never bounces, and you’re never here.”

Ah, come on. You know you miss me.

Of course.

It’s horribly lonely when you’re gone.

Horribly.

How long ‘til you’re back?

A week.

I’m gonna be gone for New Year’s Eve.

We’ll celebrate twice as hard when you get back.

[no audio]

Dylan, I gotta go.

Oh, uh... Merry Christmas!

Happy pagan celebration, roomie.

Roomie.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Hello?

Sid?

Gary?

Gray.

Huh?

My name. It’s Gray, actually. Not Gary.

Oh. Sorry.

Happens all the time.

So Gray...

Like the color?

It’s a family name.

I like it.

I like you.

You look even better than your Manhandler profile pics.

Manhandler.

The latest, greatest app

for meeting guys that are close to you.

I’m glad you were close to me.

I’m closer now.

Ho...

Ho....

Ho!

Merry Christmas, guys!

We're so happy for you.

So happy.

Just a bit stunned.

Just a little bit.

We’ve been working on this for so long.

But we couldn’t say anything.

And now, our surrogate’s due date is almost here,

so it’s official!

We’ll still see you guys all the time.

We won’t turn into those people.

Slap us if we turn into those people!

Kisses, Cal.

Kisses, Laslo.

Drive safely.

-Happy Holidays! -Happy Holidays!

They’re gonna make that baby call Ivan “Mommy,” aren’t they?

Oh, yeah.

Did you see...?

I did see that.

It’s my favorite Christmas movie.

I don’t know about you, but I think it’s time for bed.

Actually, a shower sounds good.

I’ve been traveling all day.

Right through there.

Clean towels are on the left.

You think of everything.

That’s my job.

I really must fix that lock.

Is there something wrong with us?

So many things.

I’m being serious.

Is there something wrong with us

that we’re not rushing out to get a little Korean baby?

Didn’t they sell out of Korean babies last year?

Cal.

But you hate kids.

Especially babies.

Filthy creatures.

“Filthy creatures”? Really?

They’re always sitting in their own waste.

Spitting up on anyone within reach.

Crying when they don’t get their bottles.

Sounds like a lot of our friends.

So you really don’t want a kid?

Not in the slightest.

But we could keep trying the old-fashioned way.

Oh!

Just in case there’s a medical miracle.

That was more intense than a David Foster Wallace novel.

You’re a DFW fan?

I am.

That’s infinitely impressive.

Surely, you jest.

My, we’re clever.

Just well read.

We should start a book club.

Only if we can be naked at the meetings.

Of course.

I carried that book around with me for a year.

All 25 pounds of it.

It’s not literally 25 pounds.

When you carry it for a year, it feels like it.

I read every chapter...

every footnote...

and every endnote...

and I can’t begin to tell you what it was about.

I still love it.

You don’t have to understand something to love it.

That’s always been my experience.

Hmmm.

I’d love to see the footnote on that statement.

[phone ringing]

Do you have to get that?

I’ve been getting a lot of calls from a number I don’t recognize,

and they never leave a message.

Maybe it’s a wrong number.

Which you think they’d figure out after a while.

So why did you put up a Christmas tree

just for yourself?

Tradition.

I’ve always found that traditions are overrated.

I think you should do what you want, when you want.

Like hooking up with a stranger on Christmas?

It’s just another day in the grand scheme of things.

And you did the same thing.

Maybe it’s my tradition.

No one to celebrate with?

Most of my family is in Canada,

I’m single and I hate being pitied on the holidays,

so rather spend it alone.

Oh, there’s nothing’s worse than being put at the singles table

at a well-meaning friend’s Christmas dinner.

Agreed.

So I cooked myself the world’s smallest turkey...

You did not. That’s from that song.

So sue me for plagiarism.

Then I took care of some stuff this afternoon,

and then I found you.

I didn’t know I was lost.

Most lost people don’t.

I guess tradition would call for me to go home now.

But you don’t believe in tradition.

No, I don’t.

Then stay.

Okay.

What’s on your agenda for Boxing Day?

Rewriting the party scene from act one.

Why? I liked that scene.

According to the producers,

it's too expensive to shoot on their budget.

Just because it’s set in Times Square during Christmas?

Yep.

Isn’t the movie called “Christmas In Times Square”?

So you’d think they could afford to shoot in Times Square

...at Christmas.

But no.

Shocking.

Oh, don’t forget, we have to order Chinese food for lunch.

Of course. It’s a tradition.

Then I thought I’d give my husband a massage.

Ooh, I like that idea.

The glamorous life of the stay-at-home husband.

And I have to take out the trash.

And suddenly, not so glamorous.

[shutter clicks]

Are you taking pictures of me?

I couldn’t help myself.

It’s what I do.

Take pictures of me?

How stalker-y.

Take pictures.

And paint.

That yours?

-It is. -It’s good.

So those are your paintings in the living room?

They are.

You’re talented.

I try.

I read that a lot of photographers

hide behind their cameras in order to avoid

getting involved with their subjects.

Where did you read that?

The interwebs.

Then it must be true.

You tell me.

I’d like to think of a photograph as a dialogue,

a conversation between photographer and subject.

Besides, a photograph can never be solely about the subject

because it’s seen from the photographer’s viewpoint.

And by observing, you change the subject.

Depends if we're talking about the

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

or merely the Observer Effect.

I was talking art, not quantum physics.

Yes, it’s much too early to talk quantum physics.

Too early in the morning,

or too early in our relationship?

It’s too early, full stop.

Photograph me like one of your French girls.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, kind sir.

I didn’t realize breakfast was part of the deal.

More like brunch. And all you have to do is ask.

Good to know.

I think I’ll change and head out for a while.

My search begins.

As I said, make yourself at home.

I need to take a shower myself.

Clean towels are on your left.

Cute...

So fucking cute.

Honey, I’m home!

Oh, you would not believe it.

The shoot got cancelled last night.

So I hopped on the first plane back,

and I’m homo for the rest of the holidays.

Julian?

Roomie?

Who are you?

I’m Frank. Who are you?

I’m Dylan.

I live here.

Oh! Are you Julian’s boyfriend?

No, I’m his roommate.

Dylan? What are you doing here?

Me? What is he doing here?

Frank Turner. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Can I talk to you in the hallway?

Who is that, and why is he in my room?

Funny story.

Ha ha. Make me laugh.

Well, you know how you’ve been traveling so much?

Thirty-six weeks.

Right. Sixty-nine percent.

What about it?

It’s just, I was here all alone and so--

Clearly not!

No. But I was.

And so...

I’ve been renting out your room.

Renting out my room?

On LGBTQBnB.com.

Complete strangers have been staying in my room?

You call them strangers. I call them customers.

Is everything all right?

Fine.

Right, then.

Strangers.

I always change the sheets.

I hadn’t even thought of that yet!

Oh.

Is that why you bought me that new TV for my birthday?

The guests love that TV.

And that alarm clock?

They need to know the time.

Is that why my supply of condoms is always running low?

You wouldn’t want our guests to have unsafe sex, would you?

Big picture, we can deal with this later.

Small picture, how long is this guy--

Frank.

How long is Frank gonna be here?

Well, you were supposed to be gone all week, so...

He’s staying all week?

Prepaid. I can’t kick him out.

Where am I supposed to sleep? It’s not like we have a couch,

thanks to your “chairs only” design scheme.

Hey, that is totally on trend.

Not the point.

Do we have an air mattress?

Don’t think so.

Sleeping bag?

Do I look like I'd own a sleeping bag?

Then what? Where am I supposed to sleep?

Fine! You can sleep with me.

Okay.

“I’m sorry, Timmy.

"We can’t afford to have Christmas this year.”

“But what about Santa Claus?”

“Oh, Timmy.

"We don’t have a chimney in our new apartment,

"so Santa Claus can’t find us.

"Even though this so-called slum apartment

"is five times the size that any real widow

"who got cheated out of her husband’s life insurance

"would ever be able to afford.

"But since this is television for the ladies,

we’ll overlook that plot hole and act poor.”

And the award goes to something other than this crap.

[doorbell dings]

Can you get that?

“Is that Santa Claus at the door?”

“I don’t know, Timmy. Let’s find out.”

You’re not Santa Claus!

What?

Nothing. Sorry. Never mind.

Um... Can I help you?

I think so...

I hope so.

I’m...

You’re...selling candy?

Saving souls?

No, you’re the kid who’s been loitering on our street

the last few days.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to...

I know you don’t get along with your sister,

and I don’t blame you.

After all, she’s never been kind to me,

and I got the impression that she wasn’t kind to you,

and that’s why I came here after she kicked me out

because I thought you’d understand, since I’m...

and you’re...

And that’s why she kicked me out, not because you’re..

because I’m...

And she and my dad just found out,

and I didn’t have anywhere else to go

and I couldn’t stay in that stupid small town,

not after everything that happened,

and I found your address a while ago in my mom’s things,

and because I had some money saved up...

Well, not much, but enough for a bus ticket,

and now here I am.

And I guess that’s a long way of saying that, hi,

I’m your nephew, Zeke Masters,

And, I’m gay.

It’s nice to meet you.

It’s nice to meet you, too, but I’m not your uncle.

What?

I’m an only child.

I don’t have a sister or a brother,

so I couldn’t have a nephew.

You’re not my uncle Cal?

Oh, God.

Uncle Cal.

You're Elizabeth’s son?

Yes! I mean, yes, sir.

Elizabeth and James Masters.

They’re my parents.

So you are my uncle?

In a manner of speaking.

Cal, darling?

Yes, dear?

Do we have any cigars?

Why do you ask?

Because...

It’s a boy.

You’ve had gallery shows, right?

Not yet.

You should.

Every gallery owner tells me the same thing -

that shows devoted to the male nude

have been done to death.

Then you’re really not going to the right galleries.

Or the right neighborhoods.

Plus you do all this other type of art.

I sell some online.

A lot?

Enough to pay the rent.

That’s pretty amazing.

And what do you do to pay the rent?

I fill a demand in the marketplace.

But I’m off this week.

That’s not vague at all.

Well, we’re still talking about you.

Which do you prefer more - painting or photography?

-Painting. -Why?

It’s more creative.

There’s more of me in a painting than a photograph.

I have a few, I guess you’d call them private collectors,

who like my work.

Why wouldn’t they?

One couple, sweetest guys in the world...

they bought an entire series I did,

for the exercise room in their home.

I lived on that sale for three months.

Will you sell the photos of me?

If you let me.

You can talk to my agent later.

Can I take more?

Just ask.

I am asking.

Can I take more?

Anytime.

How could you do this to your own son?

There’s nothing wrong with him, Elizabeth.

So.

So.

You’re Uncle Cal’s boyfriend?

Husband, actually.

Really?

-Yeah. -That’s cool.

I’d like a husband.

Someday.

Why didn’t you come over last night?

Panicked, I guess.

It’s, like, suddenly, “Pow!” Here it is.

Know what I mean?

Where did you sleep last night?

I found a place.

Like a shelter? Those places aren’t safe.

Not a shelter.

You didn’t sleep on the street, did you?

-I slept at a friend’s. -You have friends out here?

Fine. An acquaintance.

-From where? -Online.

Meaning...?

-Manhandler. -What?

It’s the latest greatest--

I know what it is.

Don’t tell Uncle Cal.

I’m sorry about that.

What did she say?

Just what I expected.

First, are you okay?

Yeah.

No...

Not really.

I’m really sorry for, like, just showing up.

I totally planned to come out

and meet you guys after I graduated.

So when they...

I still can’t believe they did that.

(both) I can.

I suppose she’s told you horror stories about me.

Actually, no.

She, um, doesn’t talk about you.

Figures.

We haven’t talked since our parents died.

That must have been right before you were born.

The year before, right.

Zeke, I need to ask you.

Are you okay?

Physically. I mean, did they...

Hit me?

No.

My scars are emotional.

Oh, well, there’s your family’s flair for dramatics.

I’m really glad you came here.

Me, too.

Can I get you anything to eat or drink?

We have leftover Chinese food.

Boxing Day, it’s a tradition of ours.

If you don’t like Chinese food, we’ve got Christmas cookies!

Or if you’d like to rest,

you can lie down in our guest room.

Yeah. I am kinda tired.

Of course. Make yourself at home.

Why was your trip cancelled?

Creative differences.

Bad weather.

My client’s decision to spend the holidays with his mistress.

Take your pick.

So they sent you home?

Obviously.

Glad to have you home.

Don’t.

Don’t be friendly to my bestest friend in the whole world?

You should be happy about this.

I should?

You got a new TV out of it.

I do love that TV.

And you’ve had more men in your bed

than you ever would have if you were home.

And still less than you, I’m sure.

Plus, I’ve been making 150 bucks a night renting out that room.

You’re making 150 bucks a night renting out my room?

Where’s my cut of the business?

Did I say 150?

I mean just 100...

No, just 50.

Julian.

All right.

How about 20%?

How about 50%?

-Thirty! -Fifty!

-Forty! -Seventy-five!

-Fifty. -Deal!

Retroactive to all past rentals.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

I love this movie.

I could do without his usual argument

about whether there’s a God or not.

Tell me about it. I mean--

-Of course there is. -Of course there isn’t.

-You don’t believe in God? -You do?

Yeah. I mean, that’s how I was raised.

And you never questioned it?

No.

Well, yeah, but I never lost faith.

I was raised to question everything.

And no offense, I don’t see any evidence

of an all-mighty benevolent God.

No offense taken.

He may not always be benevolent, but I believe He’s there.

You’re judging me, aren’t you?

No! Why would you say that?

I understand most churches aren’t accepting of gay people,

so I understand why gay people think

that I shouldn’t be a part of it.

Not me.

-Really? -Really.

And in my experience, that’s the difference

between Christians and atheists.

Most Christians are quick to judge and condemn atheists,

tell us we’re going to hell and all that.

And atheists don’t judge.

We accept that people have different beliefs.

We don’t go around trying to convert people.

That’s a broad generalization.

Don’t lump me in with the right-wing fundamentalists

you see protesting funerals.

No, for that you’d need bad teeth and a lobotomy.

Did something happen that made you stop believing?

Not one thing, no.

But kinda everything.

Tell me - why would your sometimes-benevolent God

unleash AIDS on the world?

For the same reason He - or She -

allows war or cancer or Fox News.

Which is?

I have no idea.

[both chuckle]

Well, I’m glad we agree on that.

I’m just as frustrated with organized religion

as I’m sure you are.

But I have my faith.

And that helps me with things.

-Things? -Yes.

Things.

Let’s finish the movie.

He’s still asleep.

I put some food in there in case he gets hungry.

Did you put out a bowl of water, too?

Not funny.

He’s already sleeping through the night.

Blake and Ivan are gonna be pissed.

That’s funny.

Okay, so what did your sister say?

She said that Zeke is a disgrace

and that he’s not welcome there anymore.

But what happened, exactly?

She wouldn’t say, exactly.

Seventeen years old and she does this to him.

At Christmas!

She used the word “abomination.”

Who actually uses that word?

VIPs. Very ignorant people.

She said, "Everyone knows."

"Something happened and everyone knows."

I guess he’s too much of an embarrassment now to the family

and she doesn’t want him back.

Wow. She really is as bad as you said.

And worse than I could have ever expected.

Okay. So, what are we going to do if...

If he’s going to stay?

Are you ready for that?

What else can we do?

If we had a couch like normal people,

I wouldn’t have to, you know, sleep in here.

We shared a hotel room in Vegas.

Yeah, but not a bed.

I’m not gonna attack you in the middle of the night,

if that’s what you’re worried about.

I know. That’d be weird, right?

Totally.

Are you gonna get undressed for bed?

Yeah.

Um...

You’re gonna sleep like that?

I know you sleep naked. You know I sleep naked.

So get in bed and go to sleep.

Right.

It’s just for a week, then we'll figure something out.

I can manage that.

Thanks for understanding.

No problem.

What’s that?

What’s what?

That noise.

What noise?

[banging]

That noise.

What are you gonna do? Backhand them to death?

Seriously?

Morning.

(both) Morning.

I hope it's okay.

I woke up early.

Uh, cooking helps me relax.

It’s perfect.

I always made breakfast back home.

Actually, I cooked a lot.

Didn’t your mom cook?

She wouldn’t know a hollandaise from a bouillabaisse.

That bitch!

It was always easier to spend time in the kitchen,

by myself, than to spend time talking to them.

And it just came naturally somehow.

Oh, my God! It’s the houseboy I've always wanted!

Don’t talk that way about my nephew.

Put that tennis racket away.

You don’t have to cook for us.

I know. I wanted to.

Do you do pizza?

You always have a craving for pizza

first thing in the morning?

Only after a passionate night of making the love.

Do you always answer the door naked for pizza deliveries?

Only after...

All the time, actually.

They’re used to it by now.

The neighbors are, too.

Don’t tell me you run around this place

without any clothes on.

When you live alone, what’s the point?

You don’t have to convince me.

I’m a card-carrying nudist.

Really?

Where do you carry the card?

I was raised that way by my dad.

It was just me and him.

My mom died right after I was born.

I’m sorry.

That must have been hard.

I didn’t know her, and it’s hard to miss something

you didn’t know in the first place.

It’s just the way it was.

And your dad?

Was never conventional.

You do seem comfortable in your body.

As do you.

But why shouldn’t we be?

The way I look at it, this is me,

there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

When did you get started?

After I started painting.

Ruined so many clothes

it was easier to paint au naturel.

Then it just stuck.

I’ve never understood why people are so hung up about nudity.

Americans.

Yes!

Other countries, no big deal.

But show a nipple or a dick in America,

and you’re public enemy number one.

I have a friend who’s an actor,

and anytime he has to get naked on set,

he makes sure the set is closed,

he makes sure that no one can take any pictures.

He makes sure they never get full frontal on film.

Meanwhile, he’s sending dick pics on Manhandler.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Oh, not at all!

[phone ringing]

Wrong number again?

Yeah, three missed calls from the same number today.

Weird.

Hey, speaking of weird...

What’s that sad little Christmas present under your tree?

Why haven’t you opened that yet?

Long story.

Another of my traditions, you'd say.

Let me get us something to drink.

[snoring]

-Morning, roomie. -Morning.

How did you sleep?

Hard. Deep. Fine!

That’s good.

I need to make breakfast for our guest.

Mind if I jump in the shower first?

No, that’s fine.

Thanks.

Um, no problem.

I don’t know if I can do this for another week.

You are NOT helping matters!

Dylan?

I can’t take this.

Good morning to you, too.

I just slept with my roommate.

Finally. It’s about time.

No, just slept.

Why?

Long story.

You’ve been lusting after him since you moved in.

That IS a long story.

But he doesn’t know.

He really doesn’t know.

Did you make a move on him while he slept?

No movement.

Well...

Except from Dylan Junior.

[chuckles]

It's not funny.

He’s in the shower and I’m at full mast.

So? Have a quick wank and get over it.

No. We have to share this bed for another week.

Again, long story.

You could stay at my place.

I may not be home for a while.

Normally, I’d want to hear all about that,

but right now, focus on me.

I am. You can stay at my place.

For the next week, I get to share a bed

with the man I’ve been in love with for two years.

Why would I give that up?

Confusion. Do you want to sleep with him,

or are you afraid to sleep with him?

Yes!

Dude, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

And if you ask me--

I am asking you.

It feels like a sign from the universe.

If you don’t tell him how you feel now, you never will.

Maybe.

I’ll try.

No. Fuck or fuck not.

There is no try.

Let me know how it goes.

Okay.

That was my ex. He needed some advice.

Friends with an ex? How gay.

Hey, if gay men weren’t friends with their exes,

no one in Los Angeles could talk to each other.

So, do you need to go?

If you want me to leave, just say so.

And if I want you to come?

Just say so.

“So.”

I think I’m about the same size as Zeke.

So this should cover him until we can go shopping

and get him some new stuff.

I’ve started a list for him.

Clothes, food, toiletries.

Ask him what kind of food he likes.

I’ll ask him what kind of food he likes to cook.

Well, these should cover the boy for now.

I’m not a boy.

I’m almost out of high school.

You’re almost out of that towel.

Feel better?

Much. I haven’t had a shower in days.

Try these on. I think they should fit you.

Um...

Something wrong?

-I hate to ask. -Whatever you need.

-It’s just... -Spit it out.

That’s what he said.

Underwear?

Ah.

Oh. Well...

I...sort of...don't.

Don’t?

Wear underwear.

Oh.

Guys do that?

Some do. And Cal...

Does. I mean, I do. Wear them.

It’s just...

Well...

It’s the only style I wear.

-Uh, It’s-- -I know what it is.

I did play football.

Really? What position?

Tight end.

Oh, honey. Remember when you were a tight end?

You played football, Uncle Cal?

No.

I, uh, I just like the style.

Uh, it’s very...free.

Easy access for--

That’s enough.

I guess that’s something we have in common, Uncle Cal.

Add condoms to the shopping list.

Lots and lots of condoms.

[phone buzzes]

Hey, Julian. Thanks for returning my call.

Least I could do, since you were actually returning mine.

Right, right, right. Almost forgot.

I was calling you to tell you

that next week is fine for our meeting.

I wish more clients got a jump on their taxes

the way you and Laslo do.

Be prepared, that’s my motto.

I think someone stole that from you.

Before I forget, we’ll see you at our

“New Year’s Steve Not Eve” get-together, right?

Wouldn’t miss it.

It’s just a few friends. You’ll know everyone.

Don’t expect some big party or anything.

I’m sure it will be fabulous, as always.

Julian, I do have a question for you, actually.

Shoot.

If Laslo and I had a kid, what would that do to our taxes?

You guys are having a baby?

Not really. Long story.

Adoption?

I don’t know, actually.

When did this happen?

Seventeen years ago.

Did you knock up some girl in college?

No! Never mind.

I’ll tell you all about it at the party.

Where I can tell you about my roommate.

Dylan? What’s up with Dylan?

I just found out he’s a grower, not a shower.

A major grower.

Um...

Good to know?

Yeah. Like you said, long story. Quite long, actually.

-Talk more at the party? -Talk more at the party.

[heavy sigh]

Texting friends back home?

Kinda.

One friend.

Trying to.

A boyfriend?

No.

I mean, I thought we were, but turns out, not so much.

He’s not answering my texts.

Do you want to talk about what happened?

I mean, sometimes talking...

Maybe I could help.

That’s him.

John.

He’s cute.

We were best friends since, like, kindergarten.

Best friends.

So, like, one night, last year,

I stayed over at his place after a party.

We were really drunk, and...

We’ve all been there.

Well, I hadn’t.

Not before that.

Neither had John.

And? How was it?

It was incredible.

You’re lucky.

No one knew. We were very careful.

And your parents never suspected?

No.

I don’t know.

I don’t think so.

Maybe they did.

My mom always treated me like shit, so...

Maybe she did.

Moms usually know.

But we always did it at John’s house.

After school.

His parents worked, so we had the whole place to ourselves.

So, what happened?

Did you get caught eventually, or did you tell someone?

God, no!

I couldn’t tell anyone.

Not in that town.

I...

So...

Like, last week, I went over to John’s house.

He had relatives coming in for the holidays,

so we knew it would be a while before we got to do it again.

And...

That’s when he walked in.

He who?

Michael.

John’s older brother.

He came home a day early from college...

And he caught us hooking up.

And by “hooking up,” you mean...?

Just kissing, making out, you know.

But when he walked in, John just, like...changed.

Ah.

He pushed me off him.

He told his brother that I had come on to him.

And he then called me a...

It’s okay.

No, it’s not.

They threw me out.

Literally, just threw me out the door.

When I got home, they had called my parents.

Dad barely said a word.

Mom said I could leave

or go to one of those places where they turn you straight.

So you left.

I left.

Good for you.

So, like, was I right to come here?

Absolutely.

Calling it a night?

I was gonna have drinks with Frank,

but he’s been out all day on his never-ending quest.

You’re on Manhandler?

Don’t act surprised. I’m sure you’re on it, too.

I am not, actually.

Then how do you meet guys?

Call me crazy, but I like to meet them in person.

Bars, parties, through friends.

Yeah, you’re crazy.

Whatever.

Ooh.

“Hot pic. I’m naked and in bed with a friend now.

Want to join us?”

Send!

You did not just send that!

What? It’s harmless flirting.

You’re a bastard! Give me that!

-No! -Give me that!

Hey!

-I want to see-- -Hey, what are you doing?

-I want to see your profile. -Give that back.

“VersMan4U.” You’re vers?

Yeah.

-Stop! -I want to see what you’re into.

I can hear you doing that on your own.

It’s better with someone else.

Oh, is it?

Threesomes? You’re into threesomes?

-So? -Just good to know, is all.

No!

The guy messaged me back.

He wants to come over.

The one you already told you're in bed with somebody else?

Yeah.

What should I do?

Invite him over.

I gotta know what’s in there.

Or the story behind it.

It’s the big, pink, Christmas elephant in the room.

You sure?

If you are.

All right.

Here goes.

I have had this present under this tree for five years.

Just over five years.

I found it, Christmas day, five years ago,

just after I got out of... rehab.

My boyfriend at the time,

the one who actually got me into rehab,

had moved all of his stuff out while I was gone.

Sid, I’m so sorry.

The only sign that he had ever been here was this.

He left it with a note that said,

“In case you ever need it.”

Need what? What is it?

I have no idea.

Because I’ve never needed it.

I changed my life that Christmas,

I changed my behavior,

I changed my outlook and I have never looked back.

And that is why I believe in a higher power.

Before we met on Christmas, I actually went to a meeting.

Got my five-year chip and everything.

Good for you.

So, you know, whatever is in that box,

I don’t need it.

Then why even keep it?

Just to remind me.

Sometimes you need to be reminded

of what you've forgotten.

I am so proud of you.

You just met me. How can you be proud of me?

I am so proud of you.

Thank you.

Do you really think that you can let go of the past?

Not let it overtake your present?

I do.

Then, would you read something for me?

Something I wrote.

You can write? How clever of you.

I have it on my phone.

Hey, Zeke! You up?

Zeke, I was gonna go shopping if you want to come with.

Sorry!

Remind me to never walk in on a 17-year-old

first thing in the morning.

-No! -Yes!

He and I do have a lot in common.

Yeah, and I’m adding door locks to the list.

Where did you get off to this morning?

I went to our local high school.

And?

Have you seen our local high school?

-That bad? -Scary bad.

I’m shocked I made it out of that neighborhood alive.

Why did we buy a house in such a terrible school district?

Because we never planned on having kids.

Oh, my God.

We have a kid.

Blake and Ivan are gonna be pissed

we beat them to the punch.

Focus.

We can’t send Zeke back to his old high school, obviously,

and I won’t send him to the public high school here.

You’re not gonna wanna hear about

my research into private schools.

Hit me.

This one...

...has the lowest enrollment fee.

-Fuck me. -Later.

That’s the enrollment fee?

Yeah. And this...

...is the cost of tuition.

For one semester.

How much are you getting paid for the Times Square script?

Less than either one of these numbers.

-Fuck me! -I told you, later! Focus.

He could get his G.E.D.

Would colleges accept that?

Don’t know. Is he going to college?

I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.

Maybe he could get a scholarship.

I think he’d have to finish high school for that.

Should we cancel our New Year’s “Steve Not Eve” party?

No! I’ve been looking forward to that.

Besides, it’s just a few people.

What will we do with Zeke?

He could cook.

What? He’s really good!

Did you have that pasta carbonara last night?

Do you think he’d make me some more pancakes?

I’m off.

Want some pancakes?

No, thanks. I’ll grab something while I’m out.

Suit yourself.

Is everything all right?

(both) Fine.

Okay, then. I’ll see you guys later.

Don’t forget our friends’ New Year’s Eve party tomorrow.

Are you sure it’s okay that I come?

Of course.

The more, the merrier.

Right, Julian?

Then count me in.

See you later.

So?

Shh. Still reading.

I hate reading on a phone, by the way.

You read my ad on a phone.

That’s different.

Do you do any headshots?

I have a lot of actor friends--

Ssshhh. Almost done.

And, no, I don’t do headshots.

They’re boring and they don’t pay the bills.

Why aren’t you writing full-time?

Doesn’t pay the bills.

Wow.

That was good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It was so imaginative.

So intriguing.

And the part where the main character finds out

his father wasn’t actually his father

and kidnapped him when he was a kid!

So good!

So true.

And so modest.

No. I mean...

It’s true. The story.

That was me.

Wait! That happened to you?

He told me when I was 21, and he was dying of cancer.

So the story you told me earlier

about your mom dying when you were young--

That’s the story I tell people.

Most people.

And it’s almost true.

His wife had died, and he was all alone,

and straight out of a TV movie,

he saw me at a carnival and took me home.

He was a good father.

He never abused me -

and I know you were about to ask.

I was.

Sorry.

It’s okay.

Unlike the story, however, I haven’t tried to find them.

Not yet.

Why not?

I guess I’m not ready yet.

You can’t wash away the good memories of your family.

Not as easily as most people wash away the bad.

I normally don’t tell people this.

I’ve never cared enough to tell anyone...except my ex.

And now you.

And why me?

Maybe I’m ready.

Ready for change.

Change can be good.

Am I in trouble?

No. We just wanted to talk to you.

See how things are going.

-Here? -Yeah.

It’s great.

You guys are great, I love being in a big city...

I’ve even been chatting with other guys my age.

Chatting how?

That’s not important.

Zeke! You have to be careful!

We’re just talking...

For now.

Oh! For now, he says.

They grow up so fast.

I’m not a virgin, you know.

This is what straight parents go through, isn’t it?

Were you guys virgins at my age?

-Yes! -No.

Also not important.

I have been talking to this one guy.

He, like, totally gets what I’m going through.

And it seems like he lives pretty close.

So...

I was thinking of inviting him to your New Years’ Eve party.

I guess if you’re gonna stay,

we’re gonna have to get used to this.

Does that mean I can stay?

Well, you need a place to live until you finish high school,

which we’ll figure out somehow.

And you’re already here so...

Yes.

We want you to stay.

Thank you, Uncle Cal.

Thank you...

Uncle Laslo.

Thank you, guys.

You’re not going to regret this.

♪

Oh! This is my nephew Zeke.

So you’re the new addition to the household?

Yes, sir.

Don’t call me sir.

Unless I ask you to.

-Julian! -I’m just kidding.

Oh! Excuse me.

I’m your uncle’s accountant.

Oh.

That’s...interesting.

Sid! Thanks for coming.

Thanks for the invite.

Cal, this is Gray. Gray, Cal.

Hi. How are you?

Very nice to meet you.

What a lovely home.

Oh, thank you!

Uh, when did this happen?

Have you been holding out on me?

No. This...is new.

How do you two know each other?

-Well... -We have a mutual friend.

Right.

It’s okay.

-You sure? -Yeah.

Our mutual friend is Bill W.

Cal is my sponsor.

Oh!

Hey, it is really nice to meet you, then.

And I want you to meet Cal’s husband, Laslo.

He’s an amazing writer, and he...

He is an amazing writer, too.

Well, then I’m sure you and Laslo

will have amazing things to say to each other.

Witty banter on demand. This should be fun.

There’s some sparkling cider in the kitchen.

Would you like some champagne? Or we have--

Oh, sparkling cider is fine.

-Coming up. -I’ll give you a hand.

How long are you in town?

Unfortunately, I go back tomorrow.

-Did you have fun? -Fun?

I didn’t find what I was looking for, but,

you know, I gave it a shot.

Be nice to get back to my bed, though.

I hear ya'.

Oh, I’m sorry. Sid, Frank. Frank, Sid.

Hi.

Excuse me for a bit.

And actually, sorry, I need to go check on the food.

And then there were two.

Who’s your caterer? This is really good.

Actually, my nephew Zeke made that.

He’s been trying out recipes for the last two days for us.

Is he looking for a job?

We could use some help at my restaurant.

He’s only 17.

He’s only 17 and he made this?

I gotta meet this kid.

He’s around here somewhere.

I overheard you say you were

looking for something while you were here.

Not something. Someone.

I don’t think Cal and Laslo have any single friends coming.

Not like that. I, uh...

I’m looking for my brother.

It’s a long story.

It’s almost midnight;

can you give me the short version?

My brother is missing.

That was short.

Did you call the police?

We did.

Twenty-eight years ago.

My brother was kidnapped...

Abducted is the term people are comfortable with today.

The private detective I hired thought he had a lead out here,

thought he had been seen in the neighborhood, and, um...

I called, and I called, and...

I went by the address he gave me,

but no one’s seen him.

Where did you say he was taken?

At a carnival.

I, uh, I got sick...

Too much...cotton candy, I’m told -

and my mom, she, uh...

She left him alone...

Just for a minute to come take care of me.

And, uh...

And he was gone.

Everything happens for a reason.

And what’s that?

I have somebody I want you to meet.

Zeke, your friend...

-Carlos. -Your friend Carlos is here.

-Hey. -Hey!

Thanks for, you know, inviting me over.

Yeah, you know, whatever.

I was at this lame-ass party, but...

This is better.

Want to see my bedroom?

No! Uh, it’s almost midnight.

Why don’t you guys stay out here with us?

Fine.

Why are you still mad at me?

I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the dirt.

Seriously?

Look, I’m sorry about the other night.

Why?

Because that guy flaked and never showed up for our...

[whispers] ...our threesome?

Why are you so upset about that? You were clearly into it.

No, I was not!

You weren’t?

No!

Then why did you tell me to invite him over?

-Because. -Don’t be a child.

Fine.

Because I thought that would be the only way

I could ever get you to look at me that way.

What way?

Sexually.

Romantically.

Oh.

And then when he never showed up, we just sat there.

It was clear you weren’t into me,

you just wanted to get off.

I should, uh...

I should probably move out.

That way you can rent my room full-time.

Do you remember what you told me when you first moved in?

You said that we could only be friends.

That you weren’t looking for a boyfriend or a fuck buddy,

just a roommate.

-I said that? -Yes, you did.

And so that’s what I’ve been - your roommate.

Even after I got to know you and I wanted...

You wanted what?

More.

And you started traveling so much for your work,

and I rarely saw you, but...

I always looked forward to when you came home...

because I missed you.

You did?

Come with me.

What are you doing?

Mistletoe.

That’s cilantro.

Yeah, it’s Los Angeles, we take what we can get, okay?

-I’ve got it! -You’ve got what?

The solution. Home school!

Excuse me?

I’ll home school Zeke.

One more time. Excuse me?

I’m already at home.

He’s smart, I’m smart, we get along.

Look, how hard could home schooling be?

Red-state, anti-vaxxer, climate-change-denying moms

do it all the time.

It’s not just for religious nutjobs anymore -

that’s your selling point?

Have you got a better idea?

-Home school? -Home school!

-If it keeps Zeke with us... -Yes!

Trust me.

[doorbell dings]

I’ll get it.

They got a houseboy for Christmas!

So cute!

We were on our way over...

And we got the call.

So we can only stay for a moment because...

Our surrogate just gave birth!

-Oh, my God! Congratulations! -Congratulations!

-What is it? -It’s a girl!

-Liza Britney. -Isn’t it beautiful?

Oh, that poor child.

We have to go!

-Happy New Year, everyone! -Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Thank you all for joining us for New Year's Eve.

Everybody have a beverage?

Good.

To friends, new and old.

And to family, new and old.

Happy New Year!

(all) Happy New Year!

And so the old year ended

with a multitude of changes for this group of men,

just as it does every year for people all over the world.

And as the new year arrived, full of hope and promise,

this particular group of friends--

No, this particular family -

grew larger and grew stronger with love.