Original subtitles

Someone! Someone help me! I'm trapped in a well!

And the waters are rising!

And I'm still in love with Zane!

Wait, what? No, no! It's over?

...so are The Tides of Our Days.

Ugh, I need to know how you get out of the well.

Ooh, and when are you gonna find out

that Zane killed your sister?

I always knew, darling.

I helped him.

You're so bad.

Oh, I love this research for this obituary.

Usually, I'm just Googling to make sure

they don't have a secret second family.

Can I come in?

Hello. Uh, not really

a fair question when you're already in.

I want to make sure you remember to take out the trash

and put your dishes away,

and compost your pistachio shells,

and please, if you're gonna steal my toothpaste,

squeeze from the bottom instead of the middle, like a carny.

The gall. I love him.

Also, I-I need you to hold onto a few things for me.

Uh, you know, usually, when you ask someone for a favor,

you don't berate them first.

Fair, but my girlfriend Charlotte is coming to visit

from San Diego, and I need to make room for her.

I'm finally gonna meet Charlotte?

Ooh, the girlfriend's coming.

Oh, classic complication.

I wonder if she's gonna be a complete nightmare

or a jealous vixen.

Or a sleepwalking serial killer that just got out of a coma.

- Season 23! - Season 23!

- Whoa, another one? - Yeah.

Listen, this is the first time she's ever been in my space,

and I just need everything to be perfect.

Wait, she seriously has never been here before?

No, I go there every weekend from Friday at 6:00

till Sunday at 4:00, which is the perfect amount of time

for hiking, tacos, and sex.

Multiple times.

- Can you please stop? - Oh, go on.

We're kind of at a make it or break it point

in our relationship, and I think if things go well,

she might move in with us.

Okay, have a nice day.

Wait-- uh...

Did he just say move in with us?

Yes. He just let it hang in the air,

like he was begging you to come back after the opening credits.

I just can't imagine what this girlfriend's like.

I mean, if Edward has 30 rules for you,

imagine how many he has for her,

Oh, yeah, but what if she's just like him?

- Mm. - You know, I-I just--

I can't imagine living with two Edwards.

That's like living with...

- two Edwards. - Mm.

I have so many questions.

Like, who uproots their entire life for a guy

that's she's only known for, like, a few months.

Mm! Who would do that?

Phillip? Come on.

No. That was for love.

This is for Edward.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Cricket is throwing a trivia night

at her wine bar... - Mm.

so you should come, because the winner gets a free wine tasting.

No, no, you have to take that down right now,

because if Lexi sees this,

she's gonna want to play... - Oh.

...and then her competitive streak will come out.

When we podded together, game nights were the absolute worst

because she hates to lose.

I'm right behind you, aren't I?

Hi. Hi. Mm.

We're just sitting here talking about

break room stuff with, uh, this one.

- Mm-hmm. - Like cream cheese.

- Mm. - It is, like, so thick.

- She's a fiend. - Do I see a little

trivia night flyer?

Because count me in.

That sounds fun.

Sam, you want to be teammates?

I call Sam! Okay, great. You do that.

I'm gonna go somewhere else.

- Oh, Sam. - No.

- Saaam. - No.

We said no more game nights, okay?

Keith and I are still finding Scrabble tiles in my bushes,

and I'm pretty sure there's a "V" still clogging our toilet.

That was the pandemic. We were all on edge.

- This'll be fun. - What'll be fun?

Trivia night at Cricket's.

Ooh, yeah, that does sound fun.

Should I be leader? No, you're right. That's Lexi.

Look, you're always telling me I need to do more

"regular people" things,

like "not wearing driving gloves"

or "drinking from a can."

I love you, but I'm sorry.

My therapist said I have to establish healthy boundaries,

and so the answer is no.

I'm gonna take that as a maybe, Sam-Sam.

Your obituary is gonna be as fabulous as you are.

- Oh. - Three ex-husbands,

ah, one wife,

and you still had time to tour with the Osmonds?

I'm just so excited to have my entire story told.

Are you gasping

- at what I'm gasping at? - The girlfriend is here,

ready for her dramatic entrance.

Hi.

You must be Nell. I'm Charlotte.

I'm so excited to finally meet you.

Yeah, yeah. I'm excited to finally meet you, too.

She looks sweet, but who knows

what's going on under the surface.

Ask her if that's her real nose.

So, like, just, like, tell me everything about yourself.

I mean, is there, like, a specific way

you like to organize your spices

or how you like your toothpaste squeezed.

No, I am very average. Yeah.

I-I love the beach and hiking with Edward and--

oh, I love baking.

I just made these.

Oh.

They're Edward's favorite, chocolate chip skillet cookies

with a hint of cinnamon and a sprinkle of doobie.

I got the recipe from his Aunt Helen.

- Not the doobie part. - Oh, right. Oh, whoa.

Is... uh...

I-- whew.

I see that you really put the work in.

I think that maybe we should clean some of this up

before Edward gets-- Ahh!

Hey, handsome. - Hey, gorgeous.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Here come the fireworks!

You made my favorite cookies.

What?

Mm. These are incredible.

Nell, you gotta try these.

Yeah. That-- That is, um, pretty incredible.

I'm sorry, what are those toes?

Charlotte got these awesome mandals for me.

- But you hate toes. - I hate your toes.

Eddie, be nice.

You're right, baby.

Nell, I think your toes are fantastic.

Thank you, Eddie.

- Let's get out of here. - Okay.

He's like, a totally different person.

It's like your roommate's been taken over by an evil twin.

Let's put that theory to the test.

Hey, Eddie, I'm gonna grab one of these cookies,

but, eh, I don't have a napkin, so crumbs might go everywhere.

Do your thing, girl.

Whoever he is, I hope he stays.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Nope. I'm dead.

Ah. Oh!

This is awesome.

You know, you never want to watch Extreme Packrat with me.

Are you kidding?

I love when people keep their urine in jars.

- Oh. - Mm, speaking of,

I have to use the little girl's jar.

Can you pause it for me?

Yeah, I can turn it off. I can guess how this ends.

She gets her life together and goes to her daughter's wedding.

Oh.

There he is.

No. Don't you-- No! Get-- No!

Stop it! I wanted to eat those crumbs!

I like Charlotte.

She's kind and she's smart and she's thoughtful.

She's always making my favorite cookies.

I totally agree. Charlotte is great.

There are some other pressing issues.

She's soaking the cast-iron skillets in the water.

I can hear them oxidizing from here.

So, why don't you just tell her? It's not that big a deal.

- You're right. - Mm.

Will you do it? Huh?

Just tell her how to clean the pans,

and to always use coasters,

and to turn off the water when she's brushing her teeth.

You want me to be the you?

Yes.

Be the me.

I don't want to scare her off with all my--

I mean, they're totally reasonable requests...

- Mm. - ...but I want this to work.

Nell.

Fine. Yeah.

I'll be the you.

But if Charlotte moves in,

I want rent split three ways, not two.

Fine.

And I get to have as many ice cubes as I want,

hum in the morning, and paint my toenails in the living room.

You can paint, but no pumicing.

I can't pumice you anything.

Got a minute?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

I just wanted to circle back on the whole trivia night thing,

because... this could be us, The Fun Bunch!

Lexi, I said no. I have--

Oh, it's actually very soft.

- It's Prada. Look-- - But no, no.

I said no and I mean no.

Listen, I thought about it, and you're right.

Games bring out the worst in me.

- Yeah, I know that. - But you don't know why.

When I was a child, my parents made everything a contest.

Literally. One time, they used a game of Monopoly

to determine which of their children

would be sent to a boarding school.

It was a hotel on Baltic Avenue

that bankrupt me and ultimately lost me the game,

and consequently sent me to

the Chastity Bainbridge Disciplinary School

for Overprivileged Girls.

Now I understand why you struggle so much with losing.

Yes, but, uh, I want to change.

I want to be able to go out and have a casual night

with my friends, and, Sam, I just feel like with your help,

I can achieve that.

Okay, fine. We can play trivia tonight.

But the moment it stops being fun, we are leaving.

I gotchu if you gotch me, girl.

Hey. Whatcha doing?

I'm taking Charlotte on a romantic picnic

at the Observatory before trivia night.

She came up with a good team name--

- Roomies. - Cool.

Your neck looks really angry.

- You okay? - I'm fine.

I'm just trying to get used to

this poncho Charlotte got me.

She said I look like Keanu Reeves in Point Break.

I looked it up and (chuckles) he's very hot.

- I thought you only wore cotton. - You only wear cotton!

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

I'm-- I'm just very tired.

Hey, Nell.

You ready, Johnny Utah?

Yeah. I love the way that feels.

100% pure adrenaline. Come on. Let's go.

- Bye. - Yeah.

- Have fun! - Surf's up.

Hey, Marlena, does Edward seem off to you?

I-I mean, like, he says he's happy,

but he just seems so exhausted, and--

Maybe it's all the sex?

I know when I first met my wife,

we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

It was a romp fest.

Oh, right. That reminds me.

I wrote the opening paragraph for your obituary,

and I think you're gonna love it.

Let's hear it.

"While millions loved watching sexy, conniving villainess

Marlena Quintrell manipulate the men of Middleton Falls,

she saved the juiciest twist of all for her private life,

when her cast mate husband caught her in bed

with her female makeup artist and soon-to-be wife."

Pretty spicy, huh?

Honestly, I think you have some more work to do.

What are you talking about?

Look, it's got everything you love--

suspense, intrigue,

romance, beeping.

Wait, sorry, do-- do you hear that?

Is that coming from the box?

ZAMATRON-X39: Cower before me, traitor!

- Let's see. - ZAMATRON-X39: For I have taken

the life force of countless Bezalids!

Oh, it's one of his Star Rim figurines.

It's from his favorite video game.

Yeah, it's like everything that brings him joy.

His magic tricks and his Rubik's Cube

and his video game paraphernalia.

Huh.

I thought he was just hiding

his anal apartment rules from Charlotte.

I didn't realize that he was hiding...

himself.

Why do you think he would do that?

You have to go ask him.

- Hey, you're back. - I forgot our collapsible cups.

Right. Um...

You know, your robot monster in the box was beeping.

My Zamatron-X39 with the dual engine laser blasters?

- Yep. - Is he okay?

Yeah, I turned it off.

Okay. The galaxy thanks you.

Um, hey, hey, wait.

Uh, I couldn't help but notice everything else in the box.

I-I mean, I know it's none of my business,

but, um, it just--

it just feels like you're hiding all your favorite things away.

Okay. Thank you for your wholly unsolicited advice.

You haven't really enjoyed yourself since she's been here.

I'm perfectly happy.

You're definitely not.

You're just my roommate, Nell.

Okay?

Stay out of it.

- Are you kidding me? - Nope.

Then he said, "You're just my roommate.

Stay out of it."

And I'm like, I'm supposed to say something, though, right?

I just think it's best to tread lightly

when criticizing someone else's relationship.

Mm, is it, though?

Look, when I told you to go a little slower with Phillip,

you didn't exactly love that.

Okay, but I was only mad at you for, like, a minute.

- Excuse you. - Or two years.

That's right. So maybe Edward just needs to figure it out

for himself, like you did.

Hey, Roomie. Oh.

Get over here.

Hmm. Here we go.

- Roomie. - Roomie.

Oh, everyone looks so nice and friendly.

Hello, fellow trivia aficionados.

Excited for some playful sparring

with all of you tonight.

We're The Fun Bunch.

- That's a pretty clever name. - It is.

What state school did you go to to come up with that?

Hey!

Have you ever tried gouda?

It's the most fun of the cheeses.

It's a real gift to the palate.

- That is the spirit, Lexi, okay? - Mm-hmm.

We will have fun, and that is the point, okay?

How's everybody doing?

Whoo! Trivia!

First category is Magic,

kind of like me on this mic.

This turn-of-the-20th century magician became so famous

that his traveling magic show required eight train cars.

God, I don't know anything about magic.

- Nell? - Mm.

If I was to guess, I would say, mm,

greatest magician of all time...

Let's go with...

Criss Angel?

No! Criss Angel is a hack and an embarrassment,

and Criss Angel wasn't the turn of the 20th century.

It's Howard Thurston.

Oh.

Babe, how do you know so much about magic?

My nephew is in a bit of a magic phase right now.

He doesn't shut up about it.

He's kind of a doofus.

Just sounds like your nephew knows who he is

and is fine with it

and, you know, doesn't mind letting his nerd flag fly.

Yeah. He's a doofus.

Okay, you write whatever you want to write down.

I'm just-- I-I need a break.

Um...

Ah! Oh. Hello.

You're being too subtle with Edward.

You need to be more direct.

Tell him he can't hide his true self.

Oh, Marlena, come on.

Just stop pushing the drama, okay?

This is my life, not some silly soap opera.

Well, my life isn't any silly soap opera either,

which is why I hated what you wrote.

- What? - What you referred to

as "the juiciest twist of all"

was one of the most painful things I've ever been through.

Oh.

I spent so many years in the closet,

trying to live up to expectations,

and I wasted so much time denying who I was.

I could've been with my wife so much sooner

if a friend would have just told me what I needed to hear,

just someone to encourage my genuine, authentic self.

Pretending to be someone you're not on the screen is one thing,

but pretending in your personal life

is just downright debilitating.

Help him.

I--

I wouldn't say he thinks we're friends.

Well, that's a shame,

'cause it sure looks like you are to me.

- Yeah? - Yes.

Thanks, Marlena.

I'm gonna write you that obituary you deserve.

Oh, I know you are...

...or I'll posses someone you love.

Oh.

My life is weird.

Uh, um, excuse me, Edward, could we talk privately?

Um, I-I need to talk to you about the electric bill.

I don't want to talk about the electric bill.

Yeah, well, unless we talk about it,

then the power's gonna get shut off

and we're going to waste a lot of oat milk.

- Oat milk doesn't go bad. - Just come with me.

Thank you. Mm.

What?

Look, I, um--

I know you only think of me as your roommate,

but I think of you as my friend, and as your friend,

I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear.

Mm-hmm.

What you're doing is not healthy.

Hiding who you are, you're not just lying to Charlotte.

You're lying to yourself.

Nell, I'm 35 years old,

and I'm tired of being alone.

And I can tell that you like

this version of me better, anyway.

I genuinely like the real you.

You're smart and you're funny and you're wildly honest,

which can be, uh, really frustrating,

but it's also so very refreshing.

If you really want to give this relationship a chance,

you got to show Charlotte who you really are, okay?

You both deserve that.

Okay, I trust you.

Okay.

Also, by the way, I-I did forget to pay the electric bill.

I'll see you inside.

It's like living with a child.

Don't be sad that you're losing, State School.

I didn't go to a state school. I went to the Olympics.

Oh, let me guess-- dressage?

Uh?

Look at me. I'm riding a fancy horse.

Oh, fancy. Stop it.

That's not proper form!

I'm sorry, Sam, but I need to leave.

I am on the verge of becoming a version of myself

that not a lot of people like to be around,

and, frankly, I don't really care for it, either.

No, no, stay.

I am so proud of all the work that you've done here tonight,

but I don't want to change completely who you are,

because I think all of us could use

a little cutthroat Lexi right now.

Mm.

Are you saying...?

Let's cut a bitch.

There we go. - Hold these.

Let's (bleep) up, boys.

Name the state capital of--

Boise. Dover. Phoenix. Little Rock. Juneau. Jackson.

Topeka. Trenton. Bismarck.

Stop me when you've heard it, Cricket.

- Topeka! - The Golden City.

Giddy up, turds.

- Houdini. - Yes.

- Space Invaders. - Yes.

- Megatron. - Yes.

- Invader Zim. - Yes.

- Oh, my God! - Bull

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

- Whoo! - The 1978 version.

This multi-player video game takes place in outer space,

and it contains over 600 hours of gameplay.

Star Rim, and it actually contains over 600 hours

of potential gameplay.

The main storyline can be completed in

as little as 200 hours,

as seen in the speed run performed by

Underscore IceKing32 on Twitch.

And now it is time to announce the final scores.

P.H. Deez Nuts coming in at a hot 38 points.

And then making news back there is The Fun Bunch

- with a whopping 46 points. - Yes!

And coming in at a staggering 62 points,

it's The Roomies! Yay!

Yes! Dude!

I had no idea that you knew so much

about all that stuff you knew about.

Charlotte, my nephew isn't a doofus.

I'm a doofus.

If this relationship is gonna work,

I think you need to know that I'm a video-game-playing,

Rubik's-Cube-solving, action-figure-collecting nerd.

And also, Nell isn't the one who's particular

about skillet care.

I am.

Yeah.

Also, this, um, poncho, it feels like sandpaper,

and I'm gonna take it off forever.

Okay, okay.

And I do magic.

Is this your coaster?

- It is now. - There he is.

Um...

I am so happy that we're being honest,

because I have been holding back some things, as well.

Um, Edward, I know you're an environmental lawyer...

...but I hate these paper straws.

They're completely useless.

Besides, how much can one person really do

for the environment, anyway?

And does recycling really matter?

- Huh. - Whew.

I'm gonna go get us some real straws.

I'm gonna have to tell my parents

I'm sleeping with a turtle murderer.

Hey. How'd it go with Charlotte?

Charlotte confessed that the compost bin I got her

is where she keeps her keys and her wallet.

I confessed that Hoarders gives me night terrors.

Mm - So...

- we decided to take a break. - Aww.

I think I was so focused on what she wanted,

I didn't really take the time to consider what I wanted.

- What is this? - I thought you should know

that you don't have to hide who you are around me.

There are no Rat Archers in Star Rim, but thank you.

You got it.

And just so you know, I'm not going to hide

who I am around you either.

Hmm?

Okay, I'll let you be a little disgusting troll...

Oh!

...because you're my friend.

You said it. I'm your friend.

- I'm your friend? - Yeah.

I'm your friend? You're my friend.

I don't like that. I don't like that.

Okay. No backsies.

Whoops.

I am saying this as your friend.

- Yeah? - You're a terrible roommate.

Captioned by VITAC--