Original subtitles

[Man]

Ira, would you

like to come in?

Yes. Yes, please.

How are you today, Doctor?

Well, I guess

I'm feeling...

worse and worse, really.

You know, lonely,

panicked, can't focus.

Everyone bothers me

lately, you know?

Everyone.

Waiters, the doormen,

people on line at the ATM.

It doesn't matter who.

There's really no one I can

stand to be around right now,

including myself.

I hate myself.

I mean, if you're going

to check your balance

at the ATM,

you don't have to,

you know--

not midday, not at noon.

When there's a big line,

you don't check your balance.

I mean, is it me?

Is that too much to ask?

Don't check your balance.

I mean, you can

check your balance,

but check--

just check it later.

You know that story

I told you about

when I had lice

in the third grade?

I kind of--

I feel like I have--

[wheezes]

Mostly I just feel...

I just feel fat.

I just...feel fat.

I just-- I--

oh, just very fat today.

Lea says

I carry extra weight

so I don't have to face

my real failures.

I don't know why Lea and I

stay together.

I mean, breaking up 11 times

in one year can't--

well, not 11,

but, like, seven.

Well, that-- that was

one...weekend thing,

so, like, six.

I wish I could

stay here all day.

You know?

I feel, uh-- I really--

I like this couch.

I like this couch.

I like it.

And the...lighting

in this room is just--

It's terrific. I never

get tired of this room.

I never get tired

of spending time with you.

Ira, I think we should

discontinue our work here.

What?

I think this treatment

has run its course.

What--

What are you f--

talking about?

Y-Y-You never speak.

You're just

supposed to-- to--

To listen.

Yes, Ira.

I've been listening

for 12 years,

and you're not

making any progress.

This relationship

isn't working.

You're breaking up with me?

I know this is painful,

but you need change.

You need to get unstuck.

Go on a trip.

Finish your dissertation

already.

Just try something else.

But this

is long-term analysis.

And it's been long enough.

Good-bye, Ira.

I have another

patient waiting.

Oh, you-- Oh.

Oh, you have another--

Yes.

♪ Pull the rip cord ♪

♪ The ship

has lost its sail ♪

♪ Your mama's

got a new man ♪

♪ Your daddy always fails ♪

♪ And you're eating again

with them ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ And even fancy things ♪

♪ Have finally

lost their charm ♪

♪ Go on, tell them

good riddance ♪

♪ They'll never

get you anymore ♪

♪ You're sleepin' again

alone ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[horn honks]

[honking]

♪ So come on, kid ♪

♪ Look at what you did ♪

♪ I don't know

if you meant it ♪

♪ But you did yourself in ♪

♪ And now he's even

having a good day ♪

♪ I'd found

that we lost you ♪

♪ So ♪

[moaning]

You have no messages.

[whistling]

Dr. Friedman.

No.

Dr. Friedman.

Friedman.

Nope.

Yes, mister?

What can I get you?

I'll have, uh...

I'll have a BLT

with-- with fries.

Yes, mister.

That's a number 5.

Wait. You know what?

Give me a, uh--

Give me the fruit salad,

cottage cheese, and a--

and a...could I

have some ice water?

Okay.

Actually,

you know what?

Give me the, uh--

don't--

Give me the fruit salad,

no cottage cheese,

and, uh...

is the Broiled Fisherman's

Platter any good?

I don't know.

Right. Right.

You know what?

Just, uh...

Just give me

a cup of coffee, please.

So load up all your carbs

with grease and butter.

That works. I'm serious.

It cancels out

the carb effect.

Hi. I was wondering if I

could talk to someone--

Just a second. Talking.

Uh, okay, list everything

you've eaten

in the past day

and I will not judge thee.

Hi. I just wanted

to talk to someone--

Oh, honey, no, no.

...about membership.

You know what you can do?

You can take this

and sit over there

and fill that out, okay?

Talking.

You want me--

Is it a lot of pages?

Not brain surgery.

Four little pages.

Try it, okay?

[beep]

Hi, Chiquita, you have

someone for a tour.

I'm sorry.

What's your name, sir?

Ira.

Ira? Okay. Good-bye.

Okay, keep talking.

You know, my professor

was definitely, like,

"You're the best student.

You're the best student."

This job taxes you.

People don't realize it,

but it's like people,

people, people every day,

and you're like "Enough."

And they say

it, like, influences

your whole relationship

trajectory or something--

But I'm, like, I hear you.

Dads are hard.

Now I understand.

We all got a cross

to bear, so just--

It's hard to be you

right now.

I got you a McFlurry,

too, just because.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay. Okay,

this is ridiculous.

I've been waiting here

for about 45 minutes--

Shit. I'm sor--

Are you Ira?

Uh...

yes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just--

[giggles]

I'm Abby. I'm the,

uh, sales consultant.

I'm so sorry

to keep you waiting.

Oh, that's-- that's okay.

I'm sure you're--

I'm sure you're very busy.

Oh, no. Not at all.

I just forgot you were here.

God, you have a great face.

What?

No, your face

is just-- just good.

Just--

lips and, you know.

It's just a great--

just a great face.

Thanks. That's, uh...

Thanks.

So, uh, what

brings you here, Ira?

Ira Black?

Oh, you know, just looking

for a gym to join.

Your basic--

Were you feeling fat

this morning or something

or old?

What?

No, I'm just

always curious.

Why today, you know?

As opposed

to yesterday or--

Oh, uh, nothing

in particular.

You know, just trying

to make a change.

Change it up.

Want a fry?

What?

Fry?

Oh.

They're hot and good.

No. No. Just a tour

would be good.

Of the gym?

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

I've been here--

Okay.

...for, like, 45 minutes.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, let's get to it.

It's, uh...

It's not that great,

really.

I'm sorry you waited.

Um, this is

the front part.

And, uh, this, uh,

is the training club.

Hey, Mare.

Hey, Ab.

Uh, bulletin board,

you know,

class schedules,

that sort of thing.

Machines and--

The yoga room is upstairs.

Hey, Lori.

You look amazing.

What do you do?

You do, uh, classes,

or do you do those--

that StairMaster?

Oh, you know what?

Our StairMasters

are broken.

I'm sorry.

But, uh,

I don't work out.

I hate exercise.

Well, why would you

work at a gym if you--

Abby.

Hey.

Hey, Henry.

Henry, this is Ira.

Ira, Henry.

Hello, Ira.

Henry.

So I did what you said.

I called him up.

I've told him that it

really hurt my feelings

when he wouldn't

stay through the night,

and I told him I didn't

want to see him anymore

if he only loved me

for my body.

Good for you.

What did he say?

This morning

he sent flowers

and a card:

"I love you.

I can't live without,"

blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

Tonight he's taking me

to Avenue Q.

Oh, my God. I feel

I'm going to cry.

I'm so proud of you.

All because of you.

Oh, please.

I did nothing.

You did it.

That's crazy.

I'm sorry. I--

Abby.

I need you.

Oh, hey, Buddy.

I just got

my head shots back.

Can you take a look?

Oh, yeah.

I think I found

my young dad look.

Yes. What do you think?

Am I interrupting

something?

You know, Ira's actually--

It's okay.

I'm going to get going.

You obviously

have your hands full.

No, no. We, uh--

I shouldn't have come.

I shouldn't have come.

But don't you want to--

No.

I feel like guys

don't listen anymore

because I'm thin.

I'm like "Hello.

This is talking.

These ladies

can't hear you."

So I'm thinking

that one for commercial.

Okay.

And then dramatic.

Mm-hmm.

And that one

in the corner

for online dating.

Oh, that's

a perfect choice.

I have a hard time

finishing things.

Making any decisions

whatsoever, really.

Oh.

The truth is I just

woke up today

feeling fat, you know?

I guess I've been feeling

fat lately in general,

and old-- old, too.

You were right. But...

mostly fat.

I can't even quite

pull in my stomach anymore.

It's like I did the thing

where you pretend--

You pretend to be

a pregnant woman?

Right. Or Santa Claus

too many times, and now--

Now it won't go back.

Exactly.

Now it won't go back.

Really?

Yeah, it's huge.

Can I see?

My fat stomach?

Yes.

No one's looking.

No one comes in here.

Um, the guy's back there.

Okay.

I'll bet you ten bucks

I can stick mine out

farther than yours.

20.

25.

Done.

Bring it.

[Abby]

All right, ready?

1, 2, 3.

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

That's huge.

I win. I win.

All right, you win.

I'll take

your 25 bucks now.

Oh, my God, I just

got a head rush.

25 bucks.

I don't have any money.

What?

I don't have any money.

That's okay.

Can I see it normal?

No. No, no.

Can I just see

it normal, please?

Just right quick?

It's huge.

I got all this loose--

There's back fat in here.

It's like--

God, I love that.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh--

Abby, do you have,

like, three minutes?

Oh, sure, sure.

But right now?

I want to try out

this new monologue.

Can I do it for you?

Oh, sure, but Ira--

can Ira listen, too?

Ira, Janice.

Janice, this is Ira.

Hi.

Hi, Ira.

You want to listen?

Oh, no, no.

No, not at all.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Hell is murky!

Fie, m'lord! Fie!

A soldier and a fjord?

What--

What need...

"we fear hurt?"

So it's $699 all in.

Right, or $72.50 a month.

Plus the--

Plus the initiation fee.

I know it's a lot.

It is, but with the--

with the pool--

You know what? Maybe

you should take up running.

I mean, you live

so close to the park,

and my dad actually belongs

to one of those groups

where you meet at a certain--

Don't you work

on commission?

What?

You're a terrible

salesperson.

No, really, you are

absolutely horrible,

like one of the worst

I've ever seen.

When was the last time

you actually sold

a membership to a person?

Oh, um, well,

there are

a lot of renewals

that come up, so--

And I have a great

deal on my rent.

Really?

Where do you live?

With my parents.

Well, yeah, that's a--

that's a-- that's a deal.

Yeah. Oh, it's not

what you think.

I mean,

I'm not a loser.

I had my own place

and everything,

but they doubled

my rent,

and our dog died.

Oh.

So yeah--

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Shepherd mix, 14, so--

Do you have pets?

Oh, me? No. No.

I have a fear

of perishables.

You know, pets,

dairy products, produce,

anything that dies,

I don't tend to--

Not for me.

I see. What do you do?

I'm a psychologist.

Right.

But I don't

see patients.

I just study.

I'm getting my Ph.D.

Oh, wow.

Well, trying to.

I'm-- I'm writing

my dissertation,

but I can't seem

to, uh--

Finish it?

Why are you so nice?

Oh, I'm not that nice.

Yeah, you are.

You're highly nice.

It doesn't track.

It doesn't track?

What does that mean?

It just means,

you know,

what makes you tick?

Oh, uh...

I don't know.

What do you think

makes me tick?

Oh, well, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't--

Come on. You're

the psychologist, right?

In training.

So give me your best shot.

Well, I'd just be

stabbing in the dark.

Okay.

I think you're, uh...

probably

the type of person...

who's scared to death

of responsibility.

You're probably an only child,

center of the family.

Parents thought

you hung the moon.

And I'm guessing

at a certain point

the pressure

got so much for you

that you started

rebelling and failing

and lowering

your expectations in there,

so you had nowhere to go

but up,

and now

they probably treat you

with kid gloves a bit,

sort of "Rah rah,"

you know,

whenever you do

anything positive,

you know, because now

you're a special case:

a problem child

in constant recovery.

I don't know.

I'm just...riffing.

Do you

want to get married?

I'm close, huh?

And would you believe

I'm only in my sixth year?

No, I mean it.

Right. Right.

Look, I'm going to get

a membership, by the way,

increase your sales record

by 500% so you don't--

What's going so great

in your life?

Pardon me?

I mean,

aren't you lonely?

What?

Sure, yeah. Isn't every--

So why not take a shot?

Half of all marriages

end in divorce anyway.

We'd probably have

as good a chance

as anyone.

Is this,

like, a thing you do?

Like a joke?

No. I just like you.

You do?

Yes.

Well, I--

I like you, too.

You do?

Are you worried we wouldn't

be sexually compatible?

What?

Is that

what's holding you back?

Holding me back? No.

I think

what's holding me back

is that I don't know you

at all.

I think you know

so much about me.

We've been talking

for, like, six hours,

and you just summed up

my life in 20 seconds.

Six hours? I can't--

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wow.

I know.

Wow.

What?

No. No.

I-- I-- I just, uh--

Are you saying

just give it a whirl,

just why not because

everyone's so miserable

together anyway,

or becomes miserable,

that if we can enjoy

six hours, then maybe we'd--

No.

This is just a joke, right?

Because-- Because--

Because

this is fucking crazy.

I mean, this is what takes

people four,

five, six years

to figure out.

You know, living together

and going into therapy

and then talking

about goals and--

How old are you?

What?

How old are you?

Uh, how old do you, uh--

how old do you think I am?

I don't know. 34.

Uch. Great. That's--

Thanks a lot.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Terrific.

I'm sorry.

I'm terrible at this.

Sorry. How old are you?

33.

You're 33?

Yeah, I'm 33.

Okay!

What? What are you--

What are you getting at?

That I can't

afford to hold out

and go through

the normal channels

because I'm-- I'm older?

What are

the normal channels?

Okay, the normal channels

are, like,

dinner and the movies

and, you know, meeting

each other's parents.

Do you want

to meet my parents?

No, that's--

Oh, you would

love my parents.

Should I call them?

Should I call them

right now?

They'd

love to meet you.

Why would they love--

Oh, I just think

that they would love you.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

I really do.

So do you want to have sex?

What?

Just to, you know,

make sure that works.

Uh, what-- what--

It's the one

thing we should

really find out

if we're

going to get married.

You don't-- Excuse me.

Don't worry.

I'm on the pill

if that's what you're

worried about.

No, that's not what I'm--

that's not

what I'm worried about.

I think I have

some condoms here.

I'm worried about that,

but that's not--

that's not the first thing

I'm worried about.

I mean, there's a whole host

of-- of concerns here.

Oh.

Oh, are you, um...

are you not attracted to me?

What? No.

No, you're not.

No, no.

I'm not saying no.

I'm-- I'm saying--

That's not what I'm

saying.

I'm saying y-- I--

of course I am.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yes.

But you don't want

to have sex with me?

[moaning]

Mom! Dad! Are you here?

Ira? Is that you?

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you guys.

Darling,

what are you doing?

Daddy and I have opera tickets.

Ira? What are you

doing here?

Well, I know

I'm unannounced,

but, uh, I guess

I should just say it.

I'm getting married.

[gasp]

Sy! Can you believe this?

Oh, we've been

waiting for this day!

And about time.

Where's Lea?

Where's my daughter-in-law?

Yeah, uh,

that's the thing.

Uh, different girl.

Not Lea.

I'm not marrying Lea.

What?

What are you

talking about?

Of course it's Lea!

No, I'm not really crazy

about Lea

in that way anymore.

Since when are you not

crazy about Lea?

Since I don't know.

A long time.

We've really become,

you know,

really

more like friends.

Well, how long?

I mean, what is this?

What about us?

We're crazy about Lea!

A wonderful girl.

Very bright--

Yes, yes. I realize you're

both very fond of Lea.

So you have been

cheating on our Lea

with some tramp,

somebody else--

No, no, not exactly.

Not until about an hour ago.

Have you

been drinking?

No.

I told you.

He never should have

stopped the Paxil.

Mom-- Mom--

Unbelievable. This is

making me nauseous.

I have to throw up.

No, no, no.

I know it sounds crazy,

but I, uh, I fell in love

a little bit today,

kind of at first sight,

and, um...

I'm going with it,

so I'd like you both

to be happy for me,

but it's okay

if you're not

because I'm the one

that needs to be happy.

I wish for your happiness,

but, you know,

it's not my thing--

Well, you know what I mean.

You're therapists.

Analysts.

We're analysts.

Whatever, Dad.

Half the world doesn't

know the distinction,

but whatever.

Ira, don't disrespect

your father.

Mom, I'm 33.

I think a little healthy

barb now and again--

You know what?

I'm not going to do this.

I'm having a great day.

I would love for you both

to come to my wedding.

We would love you to come,

Abby and me.

Her name's Abby.

Isn't that a great name?

Abby.

Abby and Ira.

Her parents

have a brownstone

with an outdoor patio,

so it'll be small

but tasteful.

We're going to write

our own vows.

That's about it.

She's downstairs.

I can't believe this.

Ohh...

How can you do this to me?

Oh, come on.

You're killing me, Ira!

You're killing me!

Mom, please.

And I said to her,

"Don't walk out

that door."

And what did she do?

She walked

out the door,

and that was the last

time I ever saw her.

Oh, God, Tony, I'm so--

Jesus, I said

I wouldn't do this.

[Mrs. Black]

Tony.

Tony?

Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Black.

I didn't realize

you were there.

You must be Abby.

Yes. Oh, it's so

wonderful to meet you.

Ira said you had

a way with people.

Yes, we have tickets

for Tosca.

We'll talk in the cab.

Oh.

Now, Abby, I'm sure

you're very nice.

I'm

sure you mean well,

but marriage

is not something

to be taken lightly.

I don't take it lightly.

I just have a good

feeling about this.

Sweetheart, it isn't

about feelings.

Marriage

is a contract.

It isn't about feelings?

Marriage isn't about feelings?

No, it is.

Of course it is.

Yeah, it's about feeling

terrible and criticized.

Sy, don't start.

But, Abby,

why Ira?

Mom--

Why would you

want to marry Ira?

I find him adorable.

But why?

I don't know. Just--

I like his face, you know?

I like looking at it.

He's neurotic,

he's picky.

Mom--

He's very

high-maintenance.

And you're a walk

in the park?

I'm not talking

about me.

Maybe we should.

Sy, enough.

How long have you two

been married?

33 years.

Wow.

Long,

difficult years.

Can we pull over

right here?

You two need

to know the truth.

It's no picnic.

Were you in love

in the beginning?

Not so much.

No.

What? I thought

you were madly in love.

It's what we told you

when you were younger.

It made you happy.

You were never in love?

That's--

That's depressing.

That's why we

didn't tell you.

You learn to love.

You learn to love

because you're stuck

with each other.

Ah, not stuck.

Uh, hinged.

Hinged.

You're hinged together

so that you can

still move a little,

but at the end

of the day,

you're

always together

for good and bad.

Sometimes

it's good.

Sometimes

it's very bad.

It hasn't been

so bad, Arl.

It's been bad, Sy.

Trust me, Abby.

What was, like,

the worst time ever?

Ha ha ha!

When he cheated on me.

Oh!

What?

Here we go.

You cheated on Mom?

This is

ancient history.

With one of my

patients.

Oh, my God.

That's so Sopranos.

Dad, that's awful.

She was terminating

with you.

Yes. Three months

later.

I'm so sorry,

Mrs. Black.

Thank you, Abby.

Call me Arlene.

It's like having

your heart torn open.

You can't imagine

the pain.

You cheated on me, too.

Before we were married.

It's completely different.

Two weeks before.

It's not

so different.

You cheated on Dad

two weeks before the wedding?

I was young.

I was scared.

I was pregnant.

What?

Did you have the baby?

Of course. It was Ira.

You were pregnant with me

before you got married?

Darling, we've been

married 33 years.

Your birthday's

next month.

You do the math.

I never put that together.

So you married

for Ira.

We married for Ira.

And you've

stayed together

all these years.

All these years.

We have a wonderful

sex life.

I'm sorry.

I loved them.

Come on. It was

a horror show.

They were sweet.

It's right here.

Wait a minute. Wait.

What-- What's

their names again?

Oh, uh, Michael and Lynne.

Michael

and Lynne.

Lynney. Okay?

♪♪ [piano]

Guys? Daddy?

[Lynne]

We're in here,

sweetheart!

Oh!

♪♪ [singing]

Hello, sweetheart!

Hey! Hi, angel!

This is Ira.

Ira, Ira, Ira.

Hi!

Welcome to the family!

I'm gonna like you.

Come on, one for all.

Everyone in here.

I called them

on Tony's

cell phone.

Sweetheart,

get the champagne.

It's all ready.

So this is

very exciting.

When did all this

come together?

Just today. Can we

do it out back?

Oh, darling, of course.

It'll be beautiful.

Hey, what are you going

to do about music?

Ira, my parents

are really talented.

Can they do a number

at the ceremony?

We just won the Clio

for our Snapple spot.

That's like the Oscar

for commercials.

Yes, but we don't

like to mention it.

Oh, Dad, you got

the good stuff out.

Thank you.

This is a good year.

Of course

they all are.

All right,

hear, hear.

If you two are half

as happy as we have been,

you're going to be

the luckiest two kids around,

let me tell you.

Oh, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Yes, indeed.

Well, welcome,

welcome, welcome.

Ah!

Don't you want to ask me

any questions?

Like what?

Ira's getting a Ph.D.

Hey, that's terrific.

Lynney,

Ira's getting a Ph.D.

That's terrific.

You know, Michael

used to be an attorney.

Is that right?

Yes, siree.

If you ever need

a quickie divorce,

I'm your man.

Dad.

Sweetheart,

I'm kidding.

Look, Mr. Willoughby--

Please call me Michael

or Dad.

Michael, uh, I realize

that this all seems

very, uh, sudden, so--

Let me tell you something.

Every good thing in life

comes all of a sudden.

Hits you

like a ton of bricks.

Am I right, Lynney?

Like a bolt of lightning,

Scooby.

Like a thunderbolt.

It's always the way.

Good night.

Just one more.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, George,

I'm getting married.

She finds me adorable.

[humming]

You have five

new messages.

[beep]

[Arlene]

Darling, I have to whisper.

We're sharing a box

with the Teitelbaums.

How do you know she's

not out for your money?

Who is this girl?

Maybe she's a con artist.

Come on, shut up.

Maybe Abby has a multiple

personality disorder.

[beep]

Where

did she go to school?

[beep]

Does she know

about your snoring?

[beep]

Was the sex

really fantastic?

Because remember

in the past, honey,

you've had trouble

with maintaining

an er--

Shut up, shut up,

shut up.

[answering machine]

End of messages.

Yes.

Crazy--

[ring]

Hello.

Hi. It's me.

Hi.

Are you asleep?

No. Are you asleep?

No.

I just wanted

to, uh, say

it was so nice

meeting you today

and, um,

having sex with you

and meeting

your folks,

and I'm really

looking forward

to being married to you.

Me, too.

Even though I'm

a little freaked out.

Yeah. Me, too.

You are?

Yeah.

Marriage is a big deal.

That's what I said.

Do you want--

Do you want

to change your mind?

No. Do you?

No. No, I don't.

Good.

Okay, good.

Uh,

do you have

a lot of things?

I mean, you know,

uh...

like, clothes

and things?

Do you have a lot?

Because I have a--

This place is--

You're going to love it.

It's a great--

It's a great place.

It's really--

It's a great apartment.

I love this place.

It's big by New York

standards.

It's not big by,

you know,

two people

living together standards,

so do you have a, uh--

You know what?

I don't have that much.

Good. Fantastic.

Okay.

Is there anything

you want to ask me?

Oh.

Um...

I was just hoping that we

could have sex every day,

you know,

like no matter what,

like even

if we're exhausted

or one of us

has the flu or a rash

or, you know,

guests staying with us

that we still just

have to have sex every day,

like a pact.

Would that

be okay with you?

Yeah. That would be, uh--

[exhales]--

Yes.

Okay. Good.

Okay.

Well...

good night, Ira.

Good night, Abby.

Good-bye.

Shit.

Shit, shit.

Shit.

[ringing]

[Woman]

Leave a message

after the beep.

[beep]

Lea. Hey. Hi.

Uh, it's Ira.

Uh, I got to, uh,

break up with you.

I-- I--

For real this time.

I'm getting married.

Okay. Take care.

[beeps]

And I promise to love you

and make you happy and just--

just be great to you

as long as we both shall live.

Nu, you may kiss the--

Ira. It's Ira.

Oh, sorry.

That's my-- my 4:00.

Ira, you may kiss Amy.

Baby.

[both chuckle]

[guests awing]

[applause]

[chattering]

Aw! You did it, darling.

[muttering]

Did you guys get to meet

my-- my mom and dad?

Oh, are they the ones

that walked in

in the middle of our song?

[stuttering]

I'm sorry about that.

Um--

They probably just got lost

in the neighbor--

Mom-- Mom, Dad,

can you come here, please?

This is

Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby

Ira, please.

Michael and Lynne.

Lynney.

We're family now.

I'm Arlene.

Hello. Seymour Black.

Ira, don't tell me

this is your mother?

You look like his sister.

I know.

Isn't she gorgeous?

She is beautiful.

You really are.

Oh, no, no, no. Please.

Abby is beautiful.

Well, yeah.

So, I hear

you're both therapists.

[together]

Analysts.

Oh.

What's the difference?

Therapists talk,

analysts listen. It's--

Yeah. We listen to them

whine all day.

Must be draining.

Mmm. You can't imagine.

This job is responsible

for every line on my face.

I don't see a one.

Well, she's had

a lot of work done.

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

Ah.

♪♪ [piano]

♪ And every morning,

every evening ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ Not much money,

oh, but, honey ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪ There's nothing surer ♪

♪ The rich get rich ♪

♪ And the poor get poor ♪

♪ In the meantime,

in-between time ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun ♪

♪♪ [ends]

[sparse cheering]

[Lynne]

So, Arl and Sy,

let me understand.

People pay you just to

sit there and listen

and not say anything?

They do.

One year I wrote

all my holiday cards

during sessions.

[Lynne]

Really?

Mom, that's terrible.

Oh, honey.

I'm just kidding.

How much do you get?

[Michael]

Come on, Lynney.

I'm sure the Blacks don't--

Three hundred an hour.

Really? Wow.

Just to listen to--

I know.

It sounds amazing.

Basically, you get paid

to be someone's best friend.

How fun is that?

[Seymour]

Now, you see,

Abby would be great

in our field

because she has

a big heart.

Unlike us.

[Abby]

Aw, come on. You guys

both have big hearts.

No, we don't.

We're old and mean

and very tired.

I actually used to be

very nice.

Ah, well.

You have a beautiful

speaking voice.

It's like music.

Doesn't she, Lynney?

It is very nice,

come to think of it.

Maybe you should

do voice-overs like us

if you hate your job so much.

Now, that is a terrific idea.

You'd be a natural.

Oh, no, no.

What are you talking?

I'm not kidding.

Can you hum?

♪ Hummm ♪

[people saying farewells]

Thank you guys so much!

It was so great.

Thank you.

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

This is the nicest car

I've ever seen.

Isn't it great?

We got a deal because

it was so last minute.

Oh, your car is so nice.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Marvin. Marvin.

I'm Abby.

This is Ira.

Congratulations.

Marvin, 92nd and Riverside.

We gotta make it fast.

I gotta get this girl in bed.

We have a rule.

I got a rule, too.

The car stays clean.

Nothing goes on in there.

Keep it clean.

Okay.

Give me a kiss.

Mmm! Do you think

there's champagne?

Oh, my God!

I love this car. You like it?

I love it so much.

Unbelievable.

How much longer?

Five minutes.

Five minutes?

That's what you said

25 minutes ago.

Twenty-five--

Six minutes. Six minutes.

Marvin, you've been

really great,

but we have to go.

No, go back in the car.

Why are you rushing?

You just got married.

What are you talking about?

We can try it again

another time.

I want my money back!

Come on, baby. Let's go.

Where are we going?

I can't believe

this neighborhood.

I mean, you can't

even find a cab.

We saw four cabs.

Those aren't cabs.

Hey, Gypsy cabs

are cabs, too.

Yeah, if you wanna die.

Excuse me.

Don't start with me.

They're don't have meters.

They're not licensed.

You could end up

in an alley or something.

[mutters]

This is great. It's perfect.

It's very romantic

on our wedding night

to be sitting--

Hey, baby, this is our

first subway ride together.

That's big.

It's-- It's big.

Give me your money, bitch!

Right now!

Everybody put

your fucking heads down

or I'll shoot!

Oh, my God!

Put them down right now!

You hear me?

Jesus Christ!

Find me the money, lady!

Come on!

Should've taken

a Gypsy cab.

Shh, shh, shh.

Ten bucks?

Ten bucks is all you got?

What am I supposed to do

with 10 fucking bucks, huh?

Can someone tell me what

the fuck I'm supposed to do now?

How much do you need?

What did you say?

Um, I said--

I said, "How much

do you need?"

What?

Abby--

Do you need $100?

Two hundred?

Two-fifty?

What do you need?

I think I have about 50,

but you should count it, okay?

I think I have 50.

Yeah. You should see.

Check.

Shit.

[money rustling]

Oh, I have 55.

That's great.

My dad gave me some extra

for the, uh, limo.

'Cause we just, uh--

So, how much more?

[clears throat]

Two hundred.

Two hundred more

or two hundreds from all--

Yeah, yeah.

Two hundred more.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, great.

Can you just, uh--

Can you give me one sec--

Can you just give me just--

I'll try to be fast.

Excuse me, sir. Hi.

Abby--

Do you have any cash,

by any chance?

Aw, thank you.

That's fantastic.

Give me a sec.

Oh, great.

Um, you know what?

I'm gonna take 40,

so you have some

walking-around money, okay?

So, um-- Hi there.

Do you have any money,

by any chance?

Uh, thank you.

That's very nice of you.

Thank you. That's wonderful.

Hi. Uh-- Get him next.

Do you have some cash?

Yeah.

Fantastic. Thanks so much.

Um-- Oh--

Okay, so,

I think we've got

about 185, 186,

187.

Um--

It's okay, okay?

I really only need,

like, 180, so--

Really?

Yeah.

Are you sure? Okay, so--

Okay, great.

Um, so then I'll keep this.

That's you.

And, uh,

we're good, right?

I really only need

a hundred, so--

You're kidding.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, well, you know what?

Just-- Just take 120

just in case.

For me. Okay.

All right.

All right. Everybody put

your fucking heads down,

all right?

Bye. Okay, so, um,

I've got, uh, $67 change.

Shall we divide it?

Does everyone

think that's fair?

That's my wife.

Oh, yeah.

A brush with death

makes you so--

I know.

♪ I've been moving

'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone

I know about you ♪

♪ Tell you mama

that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy know

you're not alone ♪

♪ You're the only one

I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

All right.

Next present.

"For Ira and Abby.

Marriage is work.

Love, Arlene and Sy."

It does not say that.

Yes, it does. I swear.

[laughs]

Okay, well, let's see

what the loot is.

[gasps]

Do you think it's money?

Do you think it's money?

I don't know.

I bet it's money.

I bet it's money.

Okay, um--

"This certificate entitles

Mr. and Mrs. Ira Black

to one year

of couple's therapy on us

with Dr. Morris Saperstein."

Jesus Christ.

[laughs]

I'm sorry, babe.

That's okay.

That's all right.

I'm sorry.

♪ You know I'd never leave ♪

♪ You're the only one

I wanna do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

[answering machine beeps]

Hi, Abby. It's dad. I just--

[beeps]

Abby, it's Henry. I--

[beeps]

[woman]

Ab--

[beeps]

[woman]

Hi, Chiquita.

Oh, my God.

Oh, baby.

No, no, no, no.

You can't be asleep.

We have to have sex.

It's 11:58.

Eleven--

Hey, Ab!

In here, sweety.

I'm sorry.

Class was really crazy today,

and they kept me over.

Oh, no worries, baby.

These are our neighbors.

This is, um--

This is Mrs. Stiplicky

from 4M.

Do you know Harry? Harry.

Harry Goldfarb, 3B.

How are you?

Ow!

I'm sorry.

Ab, can' t you

just use scissors?

Sorry.

♪ I know your sister ♪

♪♪ [continues, indistinct]

Dr. Friedman.

Ira.

How are you today?

What are you doing here?

I thought I made myself clear.

Oh, you did, you did.

I just wanted to stop by

and thank you so much

for what you did for me

and tell you

that I am doing great.

I'm a changed man!

I got married a few weeks ago.

Married. Me.

Oh, not to Lea.

Not to Lea.

I met this amazing girl.

I went with my gut,

took a leap, and I

am feeling terrific.

Like a new man.

Laid-back, no anxiety.

I'm having fun!

I'm having so much fun!

We have sex-- great sex--

all the time.

No more issues there.

What do you know?

You were right, Dr. Friedman.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, and God bless you.

I thought

you should know.

Good luck, Ira.

I hope there isn't a catch.

Hi. Can we have

the combo, please?

Large and large.

Sure. What kind of soda

would you like with that?

A root beer.

Root beer, please.

Aw.

[chuckles]

Want to save seats?

You want me to go?

Sure.

Okay. I'll go.

Thank you so much.

Have a good time.

Thank you.

How much do I owe you?

Uh, 12.50.

Wow. That's, uh--

Do you have a payment plan?

Hi. Are we sure

this is diet, 'cause--

No.

Ira.

Ira.

Lea! Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

[stuttering]

Hi.

I didn't see you there.

Oh, really?

'Cause I saw you

turn away.

[stuttering]

It's all right.

This is, um, awkward.

Yeah. This is--

Yeah.

Got enough there or--

Loading up?

What? Oh.

Yeah. Abby ordered.

She's a big eater.

Oh, Abby.

That's your new, uh--

Wife. Yeah.

Yeah. Wife.

God, that sounds

pretty weird.

Pretty weird.

So, how's it going?

Good. Great.

Good. Great.

Great.

Great again.

Really love being married.

Mm-hmm.

Who would've thunk?

Yeah. Not me.

So-- Hmm.

[nervous chuckle]

Cheers. Excuse me.

Yeah. Mazel.

So where is she?

I gotta say I am

really curious to--

Oh, she's, uh-- She's--

She's saving seats.

She in your PhD program?

Is that how you guys--

No.

No? I just assumed,

because let's face it, Ira,

it's not like you

really need a lot of--

Yeah.

But-- No?

Yeah, but... no.

So what does she do?

Well, she's, um--

Sh-- She's in sales.

Uh-huh.

You know, uh,

corporate stuff.

Big deals.

Big deals.

Wow. Corporate dynamo.

That is... great.

Look, Leah, I am--

I'm so sorry about--

What, about

the break-up message?

Or about the marrying

somebody else

after you convinced me

to stay with you four times

this year alone

because you needed more time

to figure things out?

Or are you sorry, Ira,

about-- what was it?

The, uh--

Oh, yeah.

The intermittent

erectile dysfunction?

Or the endless evenings

with your parents?

Or-- [stammering]

You know what? Don't--

Don't say anything,

because I should

be thanking you, Ira,

because I am so much bet--

Babe, it's about to start.

Oh, hey, babe. Okay.

Here. Here.

Seth.

Ira.

Ira? As in--

Yeah. The Ira.

Wow!

Mmm.

You are not what I pictured.

Oh?

Wait. How long were you

guys together again?

Oh, we were off and on

for about--

Nine years.

Nine--

Right.

About nine years.

Wow!

[laughs]

Well, babe, we should

probably, uh--

Okay, babe.

Are you guys seeing

the Rwanda documentary?

Oh, um, no.

[stammering]

We already saw it.

Oh. Was it amazing?

Uh, yeah. I mean, you know,

it's as amazing

as those things can be.

It's very--

It's really powerful.

We both--

Both of us--

We both loved it.

Great. Okay, well,

nice to, you know.

Yeah, nice to, uh--

nice to, uh-- Enjoy--

Enjoy the film.

I mean, as much

as you can enjoy--

[chuckling]

Stop.

Nice to meet you, babe.

Babe.

I want to see it

three more times

in the theater.

And I don't want

to wait for it

to be out on DVD.

Wasn't it good?

What are you trying for?

What?

I mean, you know,

what do you want to be

when you grow up?

Oh.

[laughs]

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe I should be a therapist

like your dad said.

Oh. That'd be great.

You'd probably just become one

just like that.

No class, no studying.

Just open up shop

and people would

come in droves,

pay whatever you want.

Probably win an award.

That's mean.

No.

Honey, no.

I'm just saying you--

you have such a way

with people.

No. You were saying

I don't work hard

or try for things

or have any direction,

and you resent it.

I did not say that.

You implied it.

Well, maybe I implied

all the rest of that stuff

but not that I resent it.

Do you resent it?

No, sweetie.

No.

A little.

I do a little.

[scoffs]

Sorry.

No, I'm just saying,

don't you have something

you always wanted to do?

Like a career?

No.

Oh, come on.

Selling memberships

at a health club--

or should I say

deterring people

from buying memberships--

can't be the grand plan,

the life plan.

Why can't it?

Well, I mean-- What do you mean?

You mean, like work your way up

to manager of the gym?

No, I just mean work

at some job that you like

and make enough money to live.

Why can't that be the plan?

I don't know. I mean,

don't you want

to be something?

I am something.

No, of course.

Of course.

What if I just wanted

to be your wife?

That fancy enough?

[Man]

So, Ira,

you're having a problem

with what you perceive

to be Abby's lack of ambition?

No, no. It's just--

Well, she's a smart

and talented girl

who could do anything,

and she-- she--

You know she went to NYU?

I went for a year.

Mm-hmm.

How did you feel about that?

Fine.

I didn't like it.

Now, Ira,

you're not fine with it?

No, um, it-- it's fine.

It's just--

Well, as you know, Doctor,

all the studies say

couples should be

two autonomous individuals

who coexist--

never dependent on one another,

just in each other's spheres.

Abby, do you feel like

you're dependent on Ira?

Well, I have, uh, a job

and a lot of friends,

so I don't think so.

But... I don't know.

You tell me.

I've never been

in therapy before.

Is that right?

Yeah.

How does it feel so far?

Fine, thanks.

Oh.

And what about you, Ira?

Do you have a lot of friends?

I, uh--

[clears throat]

I, uh, choose to, uh,

spend a lot of time alone.

And with Abby.

Right. Of course.

But you're worried about

Abby's dependency issues?

Look, the thing is,

she doesn't really do anything.

She-- She-- She--

You know, she just has

a fake kind of job and no goals.

And a couple is supposed to--

Yeah.

He always explains about

the, uh, rubber band theory

and, uh, the magnet one.

That-- That is

what we doctors do.

We, uh-- We create

these theories,

and then we, uh--

we try to explain the mysteries

of human behavior,

and it's all just a little--

[whistles]

crazy.

What-- What are--

What are you talking about?

No. The rules are

is that a couple

is supposed to be

two autonomous individ--

[whistling]

They're supposed to be--

[Abby] I know.

It just doesn't seem like

any fun that way, right?

I mean, my parents have

been married for 32 years,

and they've never been apart

for more than a day, so--

You know, who are you supposed

to believe, a book or just what

you think feels good, right?

Whoa, Doctor, tell her

we can't go around, you know,

feeling good all the time.

It's not--

[stammering]

It's just not done.

♪ Soy Wonder, Soy Wonder ♪

♪ The taste of milk ♪

♪ Without having a cow ♪

♪ Soy Wonder is creamy

and dreamy and wow ♪

♪ In Spanish, "soy" means ♪

♪ I am ♪

♪ In English

it means delicious ♪

♪ Soy Wonder ♪

"May contain trace amounts

of dairy products.

"If you're lactose intolerant,

please consult a physician

before enjoying Soy Wonder."

Joe, that was great.

I think we got it.

Great.

That's it? My day rate,

you know, is 18 grand.

You want to do it again?

Nope.

See you soon, Mike.

Always a pleasure, Joe.

[Joe] All right.

Joe Buck, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Buck, I am such a fan.

Aw, thanks so much, Billy.

Uh, Bobby is actually, um--

What do you know?

You came!

Hey, I just

called you on a whim.

I didn't think--

I just didn't know.

Come on in.

I had a patient cancel

at the last minute,

and, uh, my office is nearby,

so I thought, what the hell.

Well, it's just so great

to see you.

Oh, no.

Well, thanks.

You have such

a wonderful voice.

Oh, no, no. You know,

I just fool around

and sing a little now and then.

Just-- You know,

just showing off.

[laughs]

So, you want to see

how this whole deal works?

Well, uh, I--

[stammering]

Yeah.

Jimmy, can we record

that Bliss Spa track now?

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, Mike.

Right-- Right now

we're gonna--

If not now, when?

Play one for me, Jimmy.

Okay, now, listen

[tape whirring]

and concentrate.

You're gonna hear

three beeps.

Are you listening?

[mutters]

Here's what

you're gonna do.

You're gonna say

the first line here

kind of sweet.

You can do that, can't you?

I'll try.

The second one a little deeper,

like you're whispering.

The third one even deeper,

kind of throaty.

Then on the tag,

I want a heavy sigh.

You can give me a heavy sigh,

can't you?

Spaaah.

Aaah.

You want to give it a whirl?

Well, uhhhh--

Yes.

I can't believe

you won therapy.

I won it?

It's not a competition.

Oh, yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Oh.

God, how humiliating it is

to be a therapist and have two

parents who are therapists.

Analysts.

Whatever. And you

have never even been to therapy

and doesn't even believe

in therapy, and you're

the one he sides with.

That's just perfect.

We can get a second opinion.

That's all I need is another

therapist to tell me I'm crazy

and you're sane and charming.

I mean, look at you.

You're the crazy one.

You're a crazy kook.

It's so obvious.

Okay, fine. I'm the crazy one.

Yeah.

I'm crazier. Hey,

I'm crazy, by the way.

I'm the crazy one

of us two.

Yeah.

I'm the crazy one,

just so you guys know.

Yeah, you are crazy.

You know what? You are.

And you know what?

Your parents-- Your parents

are crazier than my parents.

Fine. My parents

are crazier than yours.

They are.

You win.

Hi!

[sighs]

[Arlene] Bliss is clean.

[water falling]

Bliss is bold.

♪♪ [Serene Instrumental ]

Find your Bliss

Spaaah.

Wow, that's good.

[mutters]

Jimmy, can you mark that?

I already did.

Great. Why don't you

take lunch?

Okay. Yeah,

I'll see you in an hour.

Very nice work, Arlene.

Thanks.

Thanks so much.

Very good.

See, I told you you'd be

a natural at this.

Was I really good?

Oh, you were terrific!

You could have quite a career

at this kind of thing

if you wanted to.

Oh, don't be silly.

Really?

Sure. Listen, a good voice

is always hard to find.

Well, I just had

such a good time.

[sighs]

That's all.

I can see why

you like this so much.

Well, it sure beats the hell

out of corporate law.

And I would imagine

listening to the whining too.

Oh-- Oh, speaking

of whining--

Oh, what?

Ooh, I should get going.

I have a patient at 2:00.

Oh.

All right, listen.

I'll keep you posted

on this thing.

I know the client's

going to love you.

Whatever.

I'm just...

glad I came.

Me too.

Oh! Ah!

I've been wanting

to do that all day.

Me too.

I can't believe how much

I've been thinking about you.

Me too. All the time.

Ever since the wedding.

[Abby]

Mom, these are uninspired.

We need a great card this year.

It's the first year with Ira.

I've got high hopes here.

You do? I feel like

we're coming up dry.

Uh--

What have we

not thought of?

Let me just--

What about jailbirds?

[both] Jailbirds!

Baby, good one!

I thought you were still

mad.

I must have one here.

[Abby]

'Cause I won therapy.

Jailbirds is perfect.

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, Michael.

Hi, gang.

Mmm. So what's going on?

Oh, we're just trying to decide

on the holiday card costume.

Ira thought of jailbirds.

What do you think?

Uh, sure. Sure.

Sounds good.

Oh, and, sweetheart,

we were thinking

it might be nice

to include Arlene and Seymour

in the card.

As a gesture.

What do you think?

Shall we call Arl and Sy?

Hmm?

All right.

Everyone ready? Smile!

Okay.

We're on.

Come on.

[All Talking At Once]

[laughs]

[shutter clicks]

Ah!

Whoo!

That was the best one, I think.

All right. One more.

No, no, you guys.

One more. Come on.

You guys have been doing

this holiday card thing

for how long?

Oh, gosh.

I guess it's been--

Nine years?

Hon, can you remember?

[Michael]

No, I think it's 10,

'cause, uh-- Let's see.

We've done, um, uh,

Hare Krishnas,

country bumpkins,

hobos, superheroes,

Salvation Army--

Salvation Army.

Uh, whores and pimps.

Ooh, that was a very good year.

And the members of KISS.

Oh, that makeup

took forever.

[laughs]

The Rat Pack.

I was Sammy Davis.

Hey, babe.

[Abby] I was Dean Martin.

That's eight, plus today.

So nine.

[Michael]

I think you're forgetting one.

I've got the album.

Well, check it out.

It's right in there.

Oh, Grease!

I had forgotten.

[Michael]

See? Ten.

Who are these guys?

Oh, that's Gus,

Abby's first husband,

and that's Ron,

her second.

[chuckling]

Is that a joke?

[Lynne]

Oh.

Mmm.

Honey?

Ron and Gus?

Ron and Gus?

Dr. Friedman was right.

[Lynne] I'm sorry.

We thought he knew.

Mom, it's okay.

[Ira]

Oh, no, it's okay.

It's fine. It's no big deal.

It just makes our marriage

a big lie, but, you know,

no problem.

I know this looks awful.

You think?

I know it's so bad, but--

but they were--

they were dumb mistakes.

I was really young,

and I-- I--

I have a hard time

saying no to people.

So you marry them? What else

have you lied about, Ab?

No.

I didn't lie. I mean,

you-- you didn't ask.

Oh, come on.

And if I thought to ask,

if I thought to say,

"Gee, baby, how many times

have you been married before"--

Then I would've told you.

Great. And did you think

that I would be thrilled?

No, I just

hoped that by the time

you found out, you'd love me,

and it wouldn't matter.

Why should it matter?

It's only two husbands.

Come to think of it, I

don't know if that's true.

Is there any more in there?

Should I keep flipping through?

Maybe I'll find

three through six.

Are they numbered on the back?

There were only two.

Only two, huh?

Great news.

Did they all have

nice ceremonies out back

just like ours?

Just Ronnie.

Oh. Ronnie.

Now Ron's Ronnie.

Well, why on earth

did you divorce Ronnie, Abby?

He looks pretty hot here

as Danny Zuko.

Did you like his face too?

No, I didn't. I mean, I don't

know.

Then what happened?

If you have such a hard time

saying no to people,

what happened?

Why'd you get a divorce?

Did he find out you were

an ex-con or something?

What happened, Ab?

Why'd you get a divorce?

That's what I want to know.

Why didn't you--

Why did you get a divorce, Ab?

[door slams]

They got a divorce

because Ron cheated on her.

Gus cheated on her too

with one of her bridesmaids.

Well, why are they

still in the album?

I just like the pictures.

[footsteps approaching]

Honey--

I'm sorry I got

so crazy.

No, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[crying]

Hey. Hey.

It's 11:00. It's 11:00.

Let's not mess up

our perfect record, okay?

Really?

Yeah, really.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

[laughing]

Get those off.

Turn the light off.

Okay.

[both chuckle]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[both muttering]

Babe--

Just give me a second.

Okay, sweetie.

Do you want me to--

No, don't tug it.

So, Ira, it seems you

can't accept the reality

of Abby's past relationships.

No, I can. Of course I can.

I just can't eat or sleep,

that's all.

Or get an erection.

Hmm.

Why we came.

I know, but just--

And, Abby,

how does this make you feel?

Well, bad.

I mean, it makes me

feel bad.

Like he regrets

marrying me or something.

Ask him.

Ask Ira, Abby.

Okay.

Um, Ira,

do you regret

marrying me?

Regret? No.

Sweetie.

[chuckles]

No, of course not.

[chuckles]

I just--

You know, maybe

things could've gone more slowly

without this taint,

this false premise, you know,

which everything is based on.

So, no, no matter what we do,

it's all wrong.

It's like the shotgun wedding,

only instead of pregnant,

we got two lied-about divorces,

so it can never be right again.

It can never be right again.

I don't know.

I mean, you didn't tell me

about Gus or Donnie.

Ronnie.

Right.

That's my name.

Oh, yeah?

I always loved that name.

Oh. Well, thank you.

It's a nice ring to it.

It's like someone

you want to know.

You know what I mean?

I was actually named

after my great uncle,

the Honorable Judge Ronald.

Really?

Look, the point is,

she didn't tell me

about two ex-husbands.

That's big.

Okay, but, sweetie,

that was back when we

were getting married,

before I loved you.

You didn't love me when we got

married?

I didn't know you.

We only knew each other a week.

It was a leap.

God, I hate the way you get

totally reasonable

in a crisis situation.

I mean, do you see

what I'm dealing with here?

I mean-- Ahh!

It's so infuriating,

because it's not like her.

I mean, she's like

a "head in the clouds,

live for the moment" girl.

And now she's-- she's--

[stammering]

I don't know what she is.

I mean, that's the point, man.

What was I thinking when I said

I would marry you?

I think you thought

I was cute and smart,

and you liked that I liked you.

You did like me, right?

Right off the bat?

I liked you right off the bat.

Me too.

I liked you too.

And I had

a really good feeling

about everything.

Me too. I had a really

good feeling about everything.

And for me, it just--

it got... better

and better every day

that I knew you.

Me too. Every new thing

every new thing

was, like, fuck!

How did I get this lucky?

Me too.

I mean, you know,

what are the odds

that two strangers,

basically, could get married

and then fall...

totally in love

with one another?

Are you totally

in love with me?

Um,

I don't really know.

I guess not.

Are you totally

in love with me?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

[mutters]

[crying]

♪♪ [band]

♪ It's the most wonderful time

of the year ♪

♪ With the kids

jingle belling ♪

♪ And everyone telling you

be of good cheer ♪

♪ It's the most wonderful time

of the year ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest season

of all ♪

[indistinct]

♪ With those

holiday greetings ♪

[beeps]

[electronic voice]

You have no messages.

♪ When friends come to call ♪

♪ It's the hap-happiest

season of all ♪

I'm really grateful

for these sessions, you know?

Yes, mister?

Uh-- Uh--

I-- You know, I--

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Just-- Just bring--

You know what?

Bring me whatever you want.

♪ Tales of the glories

of Christmases long, long ago ♪

♪ It's the most

wonderful time ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

[ringing]

Hello?

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

You know, terrible.

Ohhh.

Are you gonna

take your own life?

No, I'm not gonna

take my own life.

I'm just... sad.

Oh, honey, I know.

Me too.

Have you talked

to Lea recently?

Mom, that's not helpful.

Sweetheart,

maybe it's all for the best.

You're very different people--

you and Abby.

Not to mention

those crazy parents.

You seem to get on

with them pretty well,

and you seem to like

your new career

as a voice-over artist

pretty well.

[scoffs]

Please, it's not a career.

I did one spot.

Listen to you.

You already got the lingo down.

You know, maybe Dr. Friedman

would take you back, sweetie.

You've certainly got

a lot of new ground to cover.

Oh, that's great.

He's the one that

got me into this mess.

And now when I'm through

the worst of it,

he'll take me back

he'll take me back

for the low, low price

of 250 an hour.

Oh, honey, we'll pay.

It'd be our pleasure.

I've been back with him

for a month.

Oh.

Well, good.

That's good.

We'll send you a check.

No, you don't have to.

It'll make me feel better.

Okay, thanks.

Love you.

[beeps off]

[beeps off]

Hey! How's it going

out there?

You about ready

for a break?

Oh, honey, I--

I'm making your favorite.

Roast chicken

and potatoes.

Gee, honey, that's, um--

Mmm!

Remember, I got another

casting session tonight

for McDonald's?

Oh, no, I didn't

remember that.

[groans]

How late do you think

it'll go?

Late.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's such a drag.

Wow, that looks wonderful.

Oh, no, that's all right.

We'll-- We'll eat it tomorrow,

that's all. It'll keep.

You bet.

Hmm?

Don't wait up.

Uh-- No.

If you count their first

marriage, it's his third

and his sixth.

But in terms

of different spouse--

[TV off]

[beeping]

[ringing]

You've reached

Dr. Arnold Friedman.

Please leave a message.

[beeps]

Dr. Friedman, it's Ira Black.

I was just hoping to, uh--

I'm just gonna do

a session over the phone, okay?

I mean, I'm lying down,

and you can listen

from your chair

where you normally sit when

it's convenient for you, okay?

'Cause I can't wait

until Thursday.

[sighs]

Well, I'm just sitting here

watching TV and, you know,

I can't figure things out

at all.

I mean, nothing makes

any sense to me at all.

[Arlene laughing]

[Michael] Oh!

This is crazy.

Oh!

I feel like I'm 16.

Me too.

I can't get enough of you.

[sighs]

It's like some kind

of drug or something.

[sighs]

You know, I feel so guilty

saying this, 'cause

I love Lynney so much--

she's an angel--

but sometimes

I feel like--

What?

Well, sometimes it feels

like being with a--

a sister or something.

Oh, God,

that sounds so terrible.

Shhh.

No. I understand.

You do?

Yeah.

[Ira]

Did Liz Taylor say, "Till death

do us part" every freaking time?

I mean, does no one take notice

of their own hypocrisy?

Do people really want to spend

a hundred grand or 300 grand

on a 50-50 shot at best?

I mean, it's just a fantasy.

All of it.

Monogamy and marriage

and vows--

It's just--

It's not living

in the real world.

When are we all going to

admit that?

I won't listen!

You wouldn't tell the truth

anyway!

I would too.

Would not!

I would "tot."

I'd tell you anything

you want to know.

Well, you know--

I don't know.

Maybe we need

our delusions, right?

Maybe we're nothing

without our fantasies

that we live in a better world.

Are you a dirty rotten crook?

I mean, look at this.

The Music Man, a timeless

classic story, right?

It's about a

traveling salesman

who scams a town into

joining a marching band

that doesn't exist.

And... he's just a big liar.

But... no one's mad at him.

The librarian falls

in love with him

and the kid with the stutter

can suddenly talk fine,

all because of

a big, fat lie.

God.

What does it all mean,

Dr. Friedman?

In this world, Elwood,

you must be oh-so smart

or oh-so pleasant.

Well, for years, I was smart.

I recommend pleasant.

You may quote me.

[door unlocking]

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

Coming, coming.

Michael, I'm sorry

about the hour, but, uh...

I need to talk to Abby

for a few minutes.

What?

See, I saw Harvey

tonight on AMC.

IRA, it's 2:00 in the morning.

I know, I know,

but see...

I...

I was an asshole.

Excuse me, but I just...

I just didn't get it,

you know, because it

came too easy.

And she just...

She just liked my face.

And I didn't understand why.

Ira, she just went through

her third divorce.

Annulment.

Michael, technically,

it's an annulment.

Annulment.

Whatever.

I just think she needs

some time to--

It's okay, Dad.

It's okay.

Hi.

Hi.

And I promise to love you

and not take you for granted

and try not to harbor

resentment for Gus,

and Ronnie, and have sex

with you every other day,

and... and

not over-think stuff.

Or be in my head too much

and just...

Just be sweet to you

as long as we remain married.

You may kiss the bride.

[cheering]

♪♪ [piano]

Oh, I'm so glad you guys

could be here.

[gasps]

You look beautiful!

[chattering]

You guys look great.

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

Congratulations.

I'm so glad you came.

I didn't know

you were gonna make it.

Ira, this is Gus...

Hey, man.

How you doing?

And this is Ronnie.

Hey, man.

Ronnie.

Eyes wide open,

no more secrets, right?

That's our plan.

Very cool.

Very cool.

I'm gonna check on

the tunes, okay?

I'm so glad you guys

are here.

So, congratulations, man.

Abby still looks hot.

Yeah, she was a cool wife.

Oh, my God, Miss Willoughby,

this is incredible.

Oh, don't tell me.

This is all Arlene.

She really outdid herself.

Michael and I could never have

afforded a night like this.

We still haven't paid

for the last one.

It's really shifting

the very paradigm.

Yes, the rejection

of the traditional vows

in favor of ritualizing

the acceptance

or even celebration of the flaws

of the system.

Quite remarkable.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna get another drink.

Excuse me, I've gotta--

I'll be right back.

[laughing]

I've gotta get back!

I've gotta get back.

Okay. All right.

[shrieks]

How's my lipstick?

Oh, you're gorgeous.

I'll go first.

♪♪ ["Lady Marmalade"]

Ooh.

Oh.

[giggles]

Arlene, come sit down here.

You look so beautiful today.

Oh, no, please.

You do.

Thank you.

You always look so

young and gorgeous.

I just... how do you do it?

What's your secret?

[clinking glass]

I just wanted

to say one thing.

Um... As many of you know,

I love weddings.

I've had a bunch of them.

[laughing]

My therapist says

that it's probably

because I've been searching

for a love that compares to

the one my Mom and Dad have.

Pure, true, constant.

You guys set

a pretty high bar.

Anyway, I've had

a few tries now,

and I think I

finally got it right.

So, thank you.

I love you.

Thanks, my in-laws, for this

beautiful day and this dress.

I hope I can call

Dr. Saperstein

and tell him we're done.

[door opening]

Where would I find the time?

I mean, I'm just...

I'm so exhausted by

the time I get home.

Hi. Are you

waiting for a tour?

Yeah.

I'm Abby. Hi.

Hi, Abby.

So, why are you here, Ira?

My mom's cheating

on my dad again.

Hmm.

How do you know?

I saw her kissing my wife's

father at our wedding.

So...

What brings you here

today, Michael?

Well, I don't know

how it happened,

but it seems that

I'm cheating on my wife

with my daughter's

mother-in-law.

Well.

Why are you

here today, Lynn?

Well, I'm 57,

and I... I just

feel like my face

doesn't match

my insides anymore.

Know what I mean by that?

Oh, yeah. I do about

20 women a month.

So, um, what

brings you here, Lea?

My new boyfriend is in love

with a 21-year-old.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Yay.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Named Britney.

Ugh!

It all started at the wedding.

The first one.

There was just another.

I'm sorry.

Your second wife's father

was at your first wedding?

Yes, my second wife's father

is my first wife's father.

I married my wife twice.

Anyway, it was

a perfect day...

except for this.

Well, except for this and

Ronnie and Gus, my wife's

ex-husbands.

I don't want

to talk about them.

Just feels so good to

talk to someone about it.

Know what I mean?

I mean, cause, most of

the people I know

just seem so distracted

when I talk to them.

Like I bore them,

or something.

Which is why I come here

and spend all this money.

So I get what I don't

get in the marriage,

just someone's attention.

What's especially hard

is that my last boyfriend

broke up with me

out of the blue

and then he married

this corporate power woman

and, you know what?

It wasn't even like

he was the one.

He was more like

my back-up guys, but still.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I'm a very

happily married man--

Right.

But I seem to have

this addiction, I guess.

And I need to stop.

I'm... I'm just

wracked with guilt.

Maybe I should

have an affair.

I can't believe I said that.

[laughs]

Why would I say that?

You can say anything

that occurs to you.

It won't leave this room.

I just...

I just feel older around Lynn.

Just...

Closer to death, somehow.

I think you're the perfect

candidate for a face lift.

I'd also recommend

a chin implant

to stretch the skin

around your mouth a little bit

so that it matches

the rest of your new face,

and after that,

it's pretty much maintenance.

Monthly injectibles,

chemical peels,

lasers to zap

those capillaries.

But you need to work

with me on the body issues.

Do you belong to a gym?

I'm definitely gonna join.

Oh, no.

Please, don't.

Don't. I'm just gonna

give you some guest passes.

But look, you have to

call the back-up guy, okay?

Okay. You're right.

I know you're right.

I need closure.

You do.

You need to know

what happened.

It's always better

to know what happened.

Does your wife know?

No.

No. I could never tell her.

She worships her parents.

I could--

Ira, marriage

is based on trust.

Without that,

you have nothing.

So, do you want to tell me

about Gus and Ronnie?

Do I... uh...

Hi.

It's me.

I need to see you tonight.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna do two shifts

a week for membership.

Wha--

[laughs]

Well, that's--

I--

I can just give you

some guest passes if

you want to come in.

[phone rings]

Paris Health Club.

This is Lynney.

[giggling]

[beep]

Mailbox one.

You have one new message.

[Abby]

Hey, baby, it's me.

I'm gonna be late tonight.

I have to work 'til 8,

and I'm having dinner

with Ronnie.

Did I tell you that?

He really has to

see me about something.

By the way, my mom's

training at the front desk.

It's really weird.

I gotta go.

Bye.

[beep]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Well, hey.

Yeah.

Which patient?

All right.

An emergency is

an emergency, I guess.

Hi.

Hi.

We understand

each other, right?

I mean, you don't feel

like standing up, do you?

I didn't see nothing.

See that, pop?

Look, I don't know

nothing, mac.

He's too busy.

He's got his girlfriend, right?

That your girlfriend, pal?

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You his girlfriend?

Can someone tell me

what the fuck I'm supposed

to do now?

How much you need?

What did you say?

I said, how much do you need?

Abby--

Sorry.

Do you need $100?

$200? $250?

What do you need?

I need $200.

Okay.

Could you just

give me a sec?

Just give me

one second.

Sir?

Hi, do you have any cash?

Oh, thank you

so much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thanks--

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, babe.

Hey, you guys.

You wanna go next?

Yeah.

Yeah. Rock and roll.

Oh, great.

Excuse me.

Thanks a lot.

I'm so glad you're here.

Mmm.

Oh, don't worry, sweetie.

This will just take a second.

Take a second...

[echoes]

[cheering, whooping]

Abby, no!

[phone rings]

Abby, no!

Ah, shit.

[ringing continues]

Hello?

Hello, Da--

Hey.

Hey, pop.

How are you?

What?

No, I...

No, I haven't eaten.

Why?

So, uh, is Abby coming?

Should I save any of this?

Oh, uh... no.

No.

She's out late with a...

She won't be coming.

You all right?

You seem a little...

Preoccupied.

Oh, no. I'm fine.

I just had weird...

Just...

I don't know.

Can I get your professional

opinion on something?

I don't like my

new guy that much.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Well, what's your advice

dealing with jealousy

bordering on obsession?

Are you still on

that Gus and Ronnie thing?

Come on, Ira.

You've gotta get past that.

No, I just--

It's not just them.

It's a bigger

kind of jealousy.

Of everyone, really.

I mean, do you ever get

jealous if Mom, you know,

flirts with another man?

Yeah, sure.

You mean Michael?

What?

What do you mean?

Come on.

I drink.

I'm not blind.

Right, yeah.

I guess I could see some...

kind of flirtation.

You know, if I was

really looking for it.

Yeah, that's one

word for it, yeah.

So, how do you...

Are you...

Am I jealous?

Yeah, sure.

Hurts like hell.

What can I do about it?

I can yell and scream.

I can go into therapy.

I can get a divorce.

I can get even.

Have an affair of my own.

It helps.

You know, it does.

Or I can just

wait it out, right?

Those are my options.

But God, Dad, don't you...

want...

What?

Safety?

A guarantee that you're

always gonna know someone?

That they're never

gonna leave you?

That they're never gonna

find someone they like

better than you?

Yeah, maybe.

Yes.

Got news for you.

You'll never get that.

The best you can do is

stack the deck,

build a history,

logs the years,

have kids.

It helps.

It all helps.

Makes it more

difficult to leave.

But you'll never

really know someone.

God.

Dad...

That's depressing.

That's why I drink.

Hey.

Ira, hey.

Lea, hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Oh, God,

this is so weird.

I just-- I was trying

to e-mail you,

and I just--

[stammers]

I am going through stuff,

and I wanted to see you,

and talk, and get some closure

but I'm sure

this is a bad time, so...

No, no, it's not.

It's fine.

Yeah?

Well...

Want to go to the diner

and get a cup of coffee?

Is everything all right

with, um--

Something going on

with that tall guy, Scott?

Seth? No.

I mean... good.

We're good.

No, I mean, it didn't--

That's part of

the whole--

I'm sorry.

Thanks, me too.

Uh, how about you?

How's your marriage,

and, uh, you know.

Oh, it's--

It's...

You okay, Ira?

Uh...

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

But you know what?

I, uh...

I don't really feel like--

I feel like a drink, you know?

Would you be up for that?

Not a coffee.

No, okay.

Where to?

Uh, let's go to that place

on 92nd that you like so much.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

What were we saying?

What were we talking about?

You were telling me

how your marriage was.

Right, oh.

How is my marriage?

Right, right.

Well...

Where to start,

where to start.

We got divorced a while ago--

You did?

And then we...

That's terrible.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I...

We've been so out of touch.

Yeah. Yeah, well...

It's been awhile--

Listen, I, um--

I have a great bottle of red

at my apartment, if you--

do you want to just talk there?

Listen to me

just droning on

when we haven't even talked

about you and your divorce.

What happened?

Oh...

The short version is she's

still in love with her ex.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

Mmm.

But I guess

it's my fault, too.

I didn't really--

I didn't really

know her that well.

I guess you can't really know

someone unless you spend

a lot of years with them.

Uh-huh. I mean,

that's exactly what

I was saying.

God knows, I certainly

didn't know Seth.

[laughs]

Fuck.

What?

Uh--

What's the matter?

Look, Lea, I'm sorry.

I can't--

What?

I can't do this.

Oh, my God, this is fantastic.

Look, Lea,

you're a great person--

Oh, my God.

But I'm still in love--

I gotta go home.

I gotta go home.

Okay.

I want to know everything.

Hi.

Hey.

Where were you?

I was...

I thought you were

gonna be late.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

No. I don't know.

I just, I-- uh...

I really needed

to talk to you after

seeing Ronnie tonight.

Uh...

Why?

Okay, what happened?

Well, he, um--

He needed to see me

to make amends

for cheating on me.

He's in a 12-step program

He's a heroin addict.

He is? Oh, my God,

that's great!

What?

No, I mean, that's--

Wow, babe, that's heavy.

But that's great

that he's getting help.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's just...

It just brought up

all this stuff for me.

You know? Just trust stuff

and old stuff,

and I--

I just wanted to be with you.

And when I got home

and you weren't here,

and you didn't

come home, I just--

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you so much.

It's okay.

It's all right.

[crying]

So, then he ran out

because he's still

hung up on the ex-wife.

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, yes.

It was so humiliating.

We're kissing, he seemed

very into it.

I took off my clothes,

and he bolted.

Oh, my God.

I feel so guilty.

I'm the one who told you

to call the back-up.

No, no, no, no.

You told me to get closure.

Not to have sex with him.

It's just me.

I'm very vulnerable,

and he seemed different.

I know.

I get it.

But you know what?

People don't change.

And I never had

good sex with this guy.

You're kidding?

Never.

Oh, that's good.

Good stuff today.

And to think I almost

got a face lift for him.

No. Your face is beautiful.

It's original.

Thank you.

I couldn't agree more.

I earned every one

of these wrinkles.

You go, Mommy.

Listen, Abby doesn't know yet.

Of course.

Lynney, please.

Can I just talk to you

for a minute?

Lynney.

[Arlene]

I mean, I had an affair

for the same reason

you had an affair.

It was exactly

the same reason.

I don't know why you

can't absolutely see

that point of view.

I really don't

understand that.

I'm afraid we're out of time.

Thank you.

That was a great

first step, right, Cy?

Great step.

How much we owe you?

I'm $400 an hour.

Of course you are.

Cy.

And I don't accept insurance.

[chatter]

Hey, babe.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, this is--

Ira?

Lea!

Wait--

[both]

You know each other?

He's my husband.

He's the back-up.

What did--

What?

Oh, my God, Ira.

How could you?

This is the guy

from last night?

No. Nothing really happened.

We just--

You told me

you were divorced.

I did. I did,

and we were.

Just not now.

What?

How could you?

Okay, okay, okay, babe.

I know this looks bad,

but I saw you in

the diner with Ronnie, so--

Wait, you saw me?

You were following me?

No, I wasn't following you.

Abby, I had no

idea that you were--

Excuse me.

Babe, babe, I wasn't

following you.

I just--

You said she was

in corporate sales.

Honey. Honey,

I had this horrible dream,

and then I saw you

with Ronnie,

and Ronnie's hot, Ab.

He's tall and ripped,

and he's hot.

So you cheated on me

because Ronnie's hot?

You cheated on Abby?

No.

Ira, how could you?

Daddy, what are

you doing here?

I, uh, brought

your mother flowers.

That's so nice.

That's so nice.

Do you see, Ira?

Do you see what marriage

is supposed to be like?

Sweet and loving

and thoughtful

and-and honest,

and no one gets cheated on.

Honey...your father and I

have something to tell you.

Dr. Saperstein,

this is Dr. Silverberg.

Oh.

You've both been

so instrumental to me.

Oh, call me Aurora.

Aurora. Oh.

...if you were in session.

Dr. Friedman, do you

know Dr. Goldman?

Do you know Friedman,

Dr. Friedman?

This is

a fucking nightmare.

I am not sitting near you.

Where do you want me?

I understand you've been

seeing the man

who's been

screwing my wife.

We met at Abby and

Ira's second wedding.

Right. Great party.

If I could

have everyone's

attention, please.

I think we're ready

to get started,

so why doesn't

everybody grab a seat

or a Pilates ball.

We'll just,

we'll jump right in.

We'll get going.

Uh, for those of you

who don't know,

Ira cheated on Abby,

and her parents are

deciding to separate.

Wait a minute.

Ira cheated on Abby?

Sort of.

How can you

'sort of' cheat?

With Lea.

With Lea?

How is she?

Mom.

I'm just asking.

Who's Lea?

Ira, how could you?

I mean, Abby's the best thing

to every happen to you.

Thanks, Cy.

Dad, you're the one

who said it'd help

to have an affair

of your own,

along with some

other depressing--

What?

I said it helped

that your mother and I

both cheated, but--

You've both cheated

on each other before?

I only did before

we were married.

A family of cheaters.

Cheating is big with you.

He cheated, too.

Because he met you.

We were happy 32 years.

Were we really happy, Mom?

Or did we just never

talk about anything?

Is that what

you think, honey?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, how could you

let me marry Gus and Ronnie?

Who are Gus and Ronnie?

I thought

you'd like them.

Yeah, but what did I know?

I was 19 years old with Gus,

and Ronnie was a drug addict.

It's true.

They were losers.

God, I wish

I'd known that before.

Okay, let's get back

to the cheating.

The 'sort of' cheating.

Ira, I thought

you had worked out

your resentment

about Gus and Ronnie

prior to asking Abby

to remarry you.

Well, I thought

I had, too.

But I realized I hadn't

after the nightmare

I had yesterday

about the mugging.

What nightmare?

What mugging?

It was a while ago.

We were fine. It was nothing.

Walking up to muggers

with guns is not nothing.

One mugger, and I don't even

think it was loaded.

Honey, how do you know?

What, are you Kojak?

I just had a feeling.

That's what you

said about Ira.

Look, the point is

she could've been killed.

No, we made friends.

Honey, you make friends

with everyone.

With muggers and killers

and strangers on the street.

You'd make

friends with Hitler if

he came in for a tour.

Ira, it sounds to me

as if you have--

Jealousy issues?

God, you're good.

And a great deal

of hostility.

Do you have any idea

what might be

at the root of

that hostility, Ira?

Yes, I'm married to someone

who's married to everyone.

All right, Ira,

what I think

I hear you saying

is that you

have always doubted

Abby's love for you.

No, not really.

It's just been, you know,

sometimes hard for me

to believe that she

loves me in particular.

Even though

she married you.

Twice.

Yes. Right.

What is your relationship

like with your mother?

Oy, here we go.

It's, um, fine.

It's fine.

Although she never

liked me that much.

Honey, how can

you say that?

I gave you

everything I could.

You're always

putting him down.

I am?

Yes. Why do you think

he has difficulty thinking

that people really like him?

Lea liked him.

Not really.

He was a backup.

They never had good sex.

She told you that?

So, Ira, your mother's

always been a bit critical.

And judgmental.

And overbearing.

But that really changed

when she started

having the affair

with Michael.

I don't want to

hear this anymore.

That's so disappointing.

I worshipped you guys.

I mean, how could you, Dad?

I don't know, honey.

It's over now.

It certainly is.

[sighs]

Jesus.

Why would anyone

wanna get married

if there are no...

good marriages.

I mean,

what's the incentive?

I think it

makes you try harder

to stay together.

Not in our case.

It's easier, financially.

No different from

living together.

There are some

things with taxes, but--

Children are the reason.

You do it

for your children,

to set a good example.

Look how well

that turned out.

Maybe...

there is no reason.

Except for a great party.

Yeah, you know, maybe

marriage is just a fad.

That's had

an unusually long run.

You know, some guy

came up with the idea

back in the day,

people went with it,

and now, you know,

no one really

thinks about it anymore.

They just...just do it...

because...because

everyone else does.

Like bottled water.

Or man sandals.

Or paying

complete strangers

to solve your

personal problems.

You know, I have to

take offense at that.

I'm sorry, Roland.

She didn't mean it.

You're just

sticking that to us.

She's right.

She's right.

The only reason

we make money

is that people can't

talk to each other.

Ab?

Yeah?

I'm really sorry

about the Lea thing.

No, I'm sorry I didn't

make you feel loved enough.

Honey, honey,

it's not your fault.

It's my mom's.

My fault.

All right, I don't think

this is about assigning blame.

No, blame

can be liberating.

I do think it's her fault.

This is very

unprofessional.

She has

ruined my life.

Okay, I think we're all

a little hungry,

so let me just

pass these around.

This is not about

being hungry.

That was really,

really unnecessary.

You didn't have to

say that to me.

It meant nothing?

Meant nothing?

All that secret time

for the last 6 months

meant nothing?

[everyone talking at once]

I promise to finish

whatever I start.

Eventually.

Good one.

I promise never

to lie to you

or not

tell you something,

or not tell you

everything about

something.

Even if

it's really hard.

I promise to never,

ever go into therapy again.

For any reason.

Okay.

I promise to

never marry you again

no matter how many

times you ask me.

I promise

to love you...

and only you

as long as that's true.

Me, too.

And I hope it's

a really long time, Ab.

Me, too.

Okay. All right.

Me first, you first?

You first.

Okay.

I'm the plaintiff

or the...it doesn't matter.

All right.

[sighs]

That's it.

That's it.

[laughs]

Okay.

Congratulations.

Congratulations to you.

I have class

all day, sweetie.

All right, baby.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

♪ And slowly darts ♪

♪ That we're counting ♪

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

I just, um,

I was in the area

and I came by to see...

if we could ever...

Could I take you out sometime?

Say, Friday night?

I have a date

on Friday, Michael.

Oh.

Well, what about Saturday?

I have a date

Saturday, too.

Oh. Okay.

Well--

But...

I'm free Sunday.

♪ Let me be loved ♪

♪ Let me be loved ♪

Anyway, what is it

that you guys do?

I don't do anything.

I live off my wife.

Ah. What does she do?

What do you do?

I...I do voiceover work.

Oh. What kind of voiceover?

She's the Bliss lady.

No! You're not

the Bliss lady?

The spa place lady?

Spa.

Spa.

Oh, God.

That is fantastic.

It was a great game.

One of the best

finishes ever.

See, I bet you,

I told you

he was gonna

hit a homer to win it.

You owe me 5 bucks, dude.

I won't be paying.

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For me to be saved

and you to be brave ♪

Lea?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Morris Saperstein.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Uh, wow. You're the Lea.

Yes, I am.

They didn't tell me

you were, uh...

a knockout.

Oh, well.

I guess we...Yeah?

Yeah. Let me just...

Please.

I'm gonna go

save the seats.

Go already. Go.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, mister?

Can I get

two eggs over easy,

whole wheat toast,

and a cup of coffee, please?

A number three, okay?

Are you sure, mister?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Actually--

♪ Wanted to say, "I will" ♪

♪ As my last testament ♪

♪ For you to be saved

and me to be brave ♪

♪ We don't have to

walk down that aisle ♪

♪ As if marriage

ain't enough ♪

♪ Well, at least

we'll be lovers ♪

♪ I've been sinking through

the drain of love ♪

♪ Lift my eyes

to skies up above ♪

♪ Listen to me,

this is how I feel ♪

♪ Since I knew you,

all my thoughts are real ♪

♪ You're the only one

I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ I've been moving

'cause my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone

I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma

that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy

know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do

is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you,

honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things

they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things

you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one

I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling

in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby,

if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ The sun is up

and I understand it's me ♪

♪ I've been moving

because my heart is true ♪

♪ Telling everyone

I know about you ♪

♪ Tell your momma

that you won't be home ♪

♪ Let your daddy

know you're not alone ♪

♪ All I wanna do

is make you mine ♪

♪ I said I love you,

honey, anytime ♪

♪ Don't believe the things

they say about me ♪

♪ I love the things

you know I'll never be ♪

♪ You're the only one

I want to do ♪

♪ Everything's new ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪

♪ All 'cause of you, yeah ♪

♪ Now, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ I could walk, walk, walk ♪

♪ I caught you kneeling

in the alley ♪

♪ With the baby talk ♪

♪ Now listen to me, baby,

if you can't sit still ♪

♪ I know your sister will ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ There ain't no

blood on my hands, love ♪

♪ But the sun is up

and I understand it's me ♪

♪ And it's all 'cause of you ♪