Original subtitles

It's Halloween Week here on BBC Two.

So, tonight, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith

are tricking and treating us to a live edition of the award-winning

Inside No. 9.

I'd put the lights on and grab a cushion if I were you.

Expect very strong language, scenes which some viewers

may find disturbing and, of course, the unexpected.

Good luck, studio.

WOMAN ON RADIO: It needn't do.

Look, this is a brochure from Wills Unlimited.

They send you a paper form to fill in,

so there's no messing around on the computer.

A fixed fee so the cost is transparent,

and a free helpline for your beneficiaries.

Sounds like a piece of cake!

Exactly! Speaking of which...

I'll put the kettle on...

THEY LAUGH

Wills Unlimited - for a clear conscience.

You're listening to Symphonic FM.

So sit back, relax...

And stop breathing.

..and bask in the classics.

It's just coming up to 14:15, which is quarter past two

in old money, and we've got some lovely, soothing Schubert coming up.

But first, with this week's gardening tips, here's...

Oh, bugger off!

We're not all one foot in the grave.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

OMINOUS MUSIC

Hello? RUSTLING

Hello, can you hear me?

STRAINED WHISPER: Heeeelp!

Sorry, I can't...

Can you put the phone closer to your mouth? I can't quite hear.

Heeeelp meeeee...

MUG EXPLODES IN MICROWAVE

Bloody hell!

HE SIGHS

Sorry about that. I was just coddling an egg.

Hello? CALL DISCONNECTS

PHONE RINGS

Elsie! Hello, dear. How are you?

No, no, sorry, my name's Arthur Flitwick.

You don't know me, but I found this phone, that I'm speaking

to you on now, in the churchyard at St Catherine's.

I've no idea who it belongs to, but yours was

the last number dialled.

Oh, well, it belongs to Elsie Mitchell.

We sometimes partner each other at the Con Club Sunday social,

you know, with us both having lost our husbands.

But I've not heard from her in a while.

Well, is it possible you could let her know

I've got her phone and I can arrange to get it back to her?

Absolutely. I'll let her know right away.

She'll be ever so grateful, I'm sure.

Jolly good. Well, she can reach me on 444-4244.

Oh, that's easy to remember!

It is, yes. Arthur Flitwick.

Well, nice talking to you and I hope to hear from Elsie in due course.

Thank you, dear.

Bye then. Yes, goodbye.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

OMINOUS MUSIC

Hello?

Elsie, it's Moira O'Keefe!

Listen, I know you lost your mobile phone, but I've just heard

from a nice man who found it for you.

No, no, no, Moira. His name's Arthur Flitwick

and you can reach him on 444...

Moira, this is Arthur.

Oh! You found her, did you?

No, I've got Elsie's mobile and that's the number

you're calling me on now.

Oh, good heavens.

What a fool I am!

Would you happen to have her landline at all?

No, I only have the one starting 07.

That'll be the mobile, will it?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Well, there we go, mystery solved.

Except I want to be able to get this phone back to her.

Will I leave her a voicemail?

No, because then it'll come through to me.

Do you know if she has any re... SOUND CUTS OUT

..other friends in the area?

No. Oh, but you could try the vicar at St Catherine's.

I believe they were...

quite close. Right, would you happen to have his name?

Reverend Neil.

Oh, now, I'd better go.

My husband's just come in.

Oh, I thought you said your husband was...

CALL DISCONNECTS

OMINOUS MUSIC

INAUDIBLE

SILENCE THROUGHOUT

..I was able to perform the service myself.

So she's buried at St Catherine's, then?

She is. And you would be most welcome, Mr Flitwick.

It would be a pleasure to see you any time.

In the cemetery?

No, in the church.

We're always on the lookout for...

new blood.

I mustn't take up any more of your time.

If you could just let me have Elsie's telephone,

I'll be on my way.

Yes, the thing is, Reverend, after I spoke to you,

I was scrolling through some of Elsie's text messages.

Purely in an investigatory capacity, of course.

And I came across a message from her daughter.

Evangeline? Yes.

She said she'd like to come and collect the phone herself,

if it's all the same to you?

Of course.

Dear Evangeline, she was always such a rock for her mother.

Do send her my fondest wishes.

And these...

text messages that you found...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Mr Flitwick, it's Moira O'Keefe again.

I hope I'm not interrupting your evening?

Not at all, no. I'm just here with Reverend Neil, actually.

He was telling me how Elsie would clean at the church

and help with the Brownies.

Ah, yes, that toilet in the vestry has a busted flush.

I've told the reverend to get a man in.

Yes.

The thing is, Moira, I'm afraid I have some rather upsetting...

SOUND CUTS OUT

I'm very sorry, but as you can hear, we're having a few problems

at the moment with the sound for this live edition of Inside No. 9.

We hope to rectify that for you in just a few moments,

so stay with us here on BBC Two.

MUZAK PLAYS

SILENCE

INAUDIBLE

Well, I'm really sorry but we have a few gremlins in the studio

and we won't be able to continue with tonight's live episode,

which will now be shown at a later date.

But the good news is that we do have a repeat from series one

of Inside No. 9. So, please, sit back and enjoy

A Quiet Night In.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC BEGINS TO DISTORT

MUSIC SLOWS TO STUTTERING STOP

SILENCE

Well, as you can see, we are continuing to have difficulties

with Inside No. 9 tonight, we're working on it.

DISTANT BREATHY WHISPERING

And as soon as I get any information about what's going on,

I will of course let you know.

As I was saying... BREATHY WHISPERING CONTINUES

..as soon as we've identified the issue...

..we will get something to air for you.

Hello?

RUSTLING

Is someone there?

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK AND THUDDING ANNOUNCER SCREAMS

SHOUTING AND LAUGHING

# Always look on the bright side of life

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. #

GASPS AND SCREAMS FROM AUDIENCE

Oh, my God!

Oh, Bobby!

Jesus, stop, stop, stop! Don't do a thing.

Don't do a thing.

CLOCK TICKS

SIGHING

Did you find him? Yeah.

So, basically, he said if they can fix the sound,

there's a possibility we can go on at 11 o'clock tonight.

We'll start again? Yeah. Pathetic.

That would mean bumping The Ring and he's not sure...

HE SIGHS Fuck.

Plus, he doesn't think they're going to fix it, so...

What a fucking...

Why didn't they just cut to the repeat, to the rehearsal one?

Eh? Plowman said if there was a problem,

they would use the rehearsal that we filmed this afternoon.

But no-one would know it was live then, would they?

No-one knows that anyway, do they?

Who fucking cares?

It's not even Halloween.

Asked to do a Halloween special - by the way, it can't actually be

on Halloween night.

Maybe it can now instead of fucking Apprentice. God.

Where are they all now?

They've all gone upstairs for a meeting.

I knew this would happen. Makes us look stupid.

What are they saying on Twitter?

I can't get on it, can I, there's no signal.

There is. There's wi-fi.

There isn't? There's a card next door. Well, no-one told me.

Stephanie showed me.

Stephanie showed you? Yeah!

Fucking hell.

I can't believe Stephanie Cole can get online and you can't. I know!

77-year-old woman.

HE SIGHS

Oh.

Adam said they're going to repeat A Quiet Night In.

What, now? Yeah, it's on now.

Will we get a repeat fee?

Don't know actually. Good point.

Good. Something good's come out of it.

Do you think...

if we do it again, like, next year, or whatever,

we should try and get somebody else for Moira?

What, instead of Stephanie Cole?

Yeah. You know, like I've said right from the start. She can't do it.

The accent's shit. It's not shit.

It is. It's the ending.

A, she doesn't understand it.

B, she's making it too obvious.

You can't blame her for that, it's totally impenetrable. It's not.

It is! It's not.

I defy any normal person to be able to...

It's a good ending. Right.

I'm on Twitter. Yeah?

Fucking hundreds of messages.

Saying what?

"What is going on with Inside No. 9,

"is this part of the twist?"

Oh, do fuck off!

I bet everyone thinks we've deliberately done it.

Hello and welcome to Most Haunted.

This week, I've landed us right in the middle

of a great British institution.

Well, this is a certainly a different location,

Coronation Street,

but the amazing thing is that there are so many reported sightings

of ghosts on this site,

not only on the street here but also actually in the studios.

There's one astral that comes to me almost immediately,

and it's a male figure.

He's an older male, he's not...

It's hard to age him.

I think maybe...maybe in his 50s.

He either died here of a heart attack,

or he died here of an accident,

because it seems like he worked here.

How long ago are we talking that this man was around?

It's not that long ago, the figure I'm getting is only, like,

ten years or so.

Right. Maybe. He worked here, you said?

Yeah, it feels like he worked here.

As a member of crew?

Yeah, yeah, as a member of crew.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, no, this is Stephanie Cole.

I'm one of the cast members from Inside No. 9.

No, no, I hadn't heard of it either,

but apparently it's a BBC Two sort of comedy thing.

Are you looking for someone in particular?

Because everybody seems to have buggered off.

Sorry, sorry, what did you say your name was?

Alan, Alan. And do you work here?

Producers were forced to hire an unnamed Roman Catholic priest

to perform an exorcism of Granada Studios to ask the ghouls

to leave in peace. What ghouls?

There were also reports of a curse in Manchester after a run

of bad luck, which included a fire destroying costumes

from flagship drama The Jewel In The Crown. I remember that.

Entertainer Bobby Davro nearly breaking his neck

in a freak prop malfunction.

"Bobby!

"Bobby! Don't do a thing!"

"Bobby! Jesus, Bobby!" "Don't do a thing!"

And the untimely death of prop man Alan Starr,

who hanged himself from the lighting gallery on Halloween night

ten years ago.

So that's where we are, brilliant.

You seen this message off Mark on the WhatsApp group?

What, on the League WhatsApp group?

He says, "Put BBC Two on now."

Mm...

He says we're on it.

Oh, we are? They must have cut to the rehearsal.

OK.

That can't be it, because that is that camera there.

Go to BBC Two.

No, this is BBC Two. No, BBC One.

No, look. BBC One. Yeah.

BBC Two. That.

And BBC Four.

Do BBC Three.

There is no BBC Three.

What do you mean? It doesn't exist, it's not a channel.

When did that happen?

Oh, come on, you knew that.

I don't know. I've got no interest in television, have I?

That's weird. This is really freaky.

Put a message on Twitter...

Right. Right.

"Are me and Steve Pemberton on BBC Two now?"

You want me to tweet that? Yeah.

I'd laugh if people were just watching this.

All right, now, there's Stephanie, so that is definitely one

of the studio channels... What's she doing?

I don't know, but if you press the AV...

BUZZER RINGS

OMINOUS MUSIC

Mr Flitwick?

It's Moira.

Are you about?

Only the door was on the latch.

I'm just in the bathroom, Moira.

Oh, then I won't disturb you. I know better than to come between

a man and his prostate.

My Gerry is up and down like a bride's nightie

till all hours of the morning.

It's just that I had a very strange message from the Reverend Neil.

Have you seen him at all?

I haven't seen him, no.

Only he asked me to meet him here, he said he had

very important information about Elsie.

Yes, he was going to come round, but he got called away

on urgent parish business.

I think somebody had stolen his bike.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Sure the poor man will be in pieces.

Yes, he is.

Was!

He was. Well, I'll leave you in peace.

Is there nothing I can get for you, Arthur?

Sure, you're looking very pale.

No, I just haven't eaten, that's all.

Oh, well, you know what they say? Hunger is a great sauce. Yes.

Shall I pop an eggy in the microwave for you?

No. No, sure, sure, it's no trouble at all.

I'll crack one open and give you a head...

..start.

He killed Elsie, he pushed her down the steps of the belltower.

Did he indeed?

After what happened at Brownie camp,

she changed her will to benefit the church,

but he needed the money quickly... So he murdered her?

Yes! He knew I was on to him.

He'd have done the same to me, that's why I needed to strike first.

And how did you know all this, Arthur, dear?

Elsie told me, on the phone.

She told me.

She told me!

SIREN BLARES IN DISTANCE

Reece, can I just have a bit of a question here,

I've got a bit of a question.

Sorry, do you mean Steve?

Yes, yes, of course. It's just I'm not very clear

about Moira's intentions.

Do we know that she's lying?

Yes. No. What, no?

No, because she is telling the truth at this point.

Oh, I see.

Well, we haven't quite decided, really, to be honest,

whether she's telling the truth.

It's just it's very confusing what to play.

I know, of course. You see what I mean?

I want to do my best, obviously... I think play you know...

Hi, Stephanie.

Sorry about all of this, has anyone told you what's going on?

Alan called.

You mean Adam, the producer? He said they're coming.

Yeah, well, they're all in a meeting.

There's been a right cock-up, all the equipment's gone haywire.

Bet you don't get this on Open All Hours, do you?

Alan says they've always been here before us, before the studios,

we shouldn't be here, this is their home.

Did you know that Wednesday is Samhain, the 31st of October,

the day when the line between our world

and the other world is thinned.

The spirits, they're coming for us.

They're with us now.

Do you want me to get you a cup of tea?

Alan said they infect the cables and the television equipment,

the technology makes them stronger.

Yeah, no, you're thinking of Black Mirror, Stephanie,

this is Inside No. 9. It's more dark comedy and twists.

They don't want us here.

Right, well, I'm going to get a cup of tea.

We have to leave.

TONE

Just across the road was the church of St John's,

and I actually found a plaque in the park which states

that on that site were buried over 22,000 bodies in the graveyard,

and they most definitely stretched over here onto the site

where Granada Studios are now.

I am not a threat.

I am here as a messenger.

All I do is carry a message.

You have to leave this site.

THUMPING

Hello?

THUD

Hello?

CREAKING

SHORT BURST OF RADIO STATIC

HE SIGHS

Hello? Can you hear me?

CLANKING

SHOUTS: Jump scare!

Fucking hell! STEVE LAUGHS

God! I could've had a hot cup of tea in my hands. It's good, innit?

It's horrible. I found it in Costume.

I should use it.

Have you seen anyone? No. Well, I've seen Stephanie Cole,

she's being weird. What do you mean?

She's saying spirits are coming for us.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I told you we should've got fucking Pam Ferris.

No, she's been used up with Trunchbull. I know.

BUZZING

HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING AND CRACKLING

Steve! Steve!

Mr Starr had been suffering from paranoid schizophrenia,

and he believed the studios were being taken over

by what he called "ghosts in the machine."

Colleagues reported that he'd been deeply disturbed by witnessing

unexplained paranormal activity throughout the building

and recording electronic voice phenomena

with messages from beyond the grave.

This complex of buildings is called Botany Bay.

They were bought by Granada television four years ago to serve

as a new studio complex.

For the last six months, they have contained the sets,

wardrobes, props, costumes, make-up departments

for The Jewel In The Crown,

a lavish multi-million pound Granada drama production that was meant

to have been completed in April of this year.

The fire started shortly after seven o'clock,

and within five minutes the fire brigade were on the scene.

The entire contents are gutted, but the fire is at least

under control.

HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING

Hello?!

There's been an accident!

Anyone?

Hello? There's been an accident!

I think Steve's not breathing!

Stephanie?

Oh, fuck, what's going on?!

LOUD BANG Jeez...

Hello?

Hello?

God!

Hello!

Can you hear me?

Can you put the lights on, please?

Anybody?

Hello?

Adam!

Adam!

John!

Oh, God. Ow!

PANTING

Oh, God.

SCREAMING

Are you believers in ghosts?

Do you have, you know, is there...

Are you very much kind of open to believing

that there is something out there?

No, no.

I like the idea of...

I like the idea of ghosts, but I'm very aware that it's all,

they're not real.

WOMAN WHISPERS: Let us be.

MUSIC RUNS SLOWLY AND BECOMES DISTORTED