Original subtitles

Ezra. You can't tell anyone about this, okay?

And ruin everything we have?

Hilarious.

I'm just saying whatever happened, never happened.

I love It when you get sassy.

I'm not fucking playing. Don't say shit.

Whatever you say officer.

And no fucking teeth, okay?

But I like teeth.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Ew. He's wearing a jacket with a built in hood.

And when I tell you, that's what I fucking said.

That's what I fucking said.

Hi, I'm Ezra Grey, a psychotic Gemini

according to my best friend, Gwen,

she's a Leo,

and I guess what you weak, brittle,

and not to mention frail, human things called a vampire.

What I've managed to gather

from being alive for 400 years

is that these people think they're Jesus amongst dirt.

Humans act like they know everything.

When in reality they know nothing.

And that's why.

Now we were talking about Mercy Lewis.

She was accusing Tituba of witchcraft

but Tituba was safe because she's the slave

of the great minister Samuel of Parris.

Later, though she is executed.

I'm, that's literally not what happened, but go on.

And how would you know?

I mean, I could also just manage my expectations

considering this is the same species

that invented Jersey Shore and Veggie Tales, but still.

'Cause Tituba and I were girls, besties,

weaving strange spells, were down goths. I mean like.

Okay, this class is a joke to you

feel free to let yourself out.

See what I mean?

What I have noticed

is these people have created some kind of repress kink.

I'm all about the chase, but whatever weird

modern societal bullshit they put on each other around here

is so embarrassing.

Toodles.

The thing about being dead is I have nothing to live for.

And yes, Nancy drew, if you haven't gotten it yet, I'm dead.

Well like vampire dead.

These people might as well be dead

since none of them are actually living their lives.

Okay. As I was saying.

So for now, I'll just sit back, relax and vibe.

And before anyone gets mad at me, he had a girlfriend.

I think.

Kisses.

♪ Me and my girls, yeah, call us a coven ♪

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ They got my back when I go on trusting ♪

♪ Boys like you

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ The cemetery

♪ Boy, ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ I hope you're ready

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ Cross my broken heart, I hope you die, die ♪

♪ Cross my broken heart, I hope you die, die ♪

♪ R.I.P your dead to me.

Hey bad you.

What up, bitch?

You missed the new guy in our economics class today.

He was so fizzy I could die.

- Damn it, Really? - Mhm

Well fuck me for having an early lunch.

This is Gwen, my BFF, my ride or die.

My bestie in a Tessie.

She takes nothing from no one.

Okay. We got a very special treat for you.

Our guest speaker.

Please give her a warm welcome, Amber.

Amber ladies and gents, Amber.

Is this thing on?

It's not cause there's no microphone.

Thank you, Professor Smith for this wonderful introduction.

Hi, my name is Amber, and yes

I'm a part of this university's diversity club.

What's your diversity?

Thank you. I am so glad you asked.

I, my ancestors, my great, great

great, great grandfather was actually from Holland.

Yeah, he was a farmer there.

Bet you wouldn't expect that, huh? He was.

Anyways, I'm, I'm here to tell everybody

that there is a social mixer tonight

and yes, all races are invited.

Totally get what you're saying.

I mean like typical white people.

My, my grandparents are Italian, so.

Fuck this.

Oh, we're so sorry to see you go.

I mean, we would love to have people like you in our club.

Just leave your email at the door.

People like what?

You know, diverse.

I do not need to sit here and tune your moral compass

just so you can feel better about using people of color

to supplement your own personal gain and lack of trauma.

You know what, you colonizers, you, you included

just because you are tan does not make you oppressed.

Okay? The diverse are not pawns

for you straight white people to grow as a community.

Thanks. I'll definitely leave my email at the fucking door.

That was so iconic.

Great. You coming?

A play by me.

I scripted that entire interaction.

Just to teach you people a lesson.

Now I'll be presenting a song

that I wrote called colorblind.

♪ This world is filled of different colors ♪

♪ and different shapes and sizes too. ♪

And since that moment we've been BFF's.

However, she doesn't know I'm, you know.

He was extra tasty.

Oh, I bet.

I'm sure. you'd see him, you know,

if you ever showed up to class.

Okay. I believe I'm learning from experience.

A book can only teach you so much.

Ugh, that's my mom. So annoying.

We have this family reunion thing tonight.

My uncle's introducing us to his new 20 year old girlfriend.

Okay. But that sounds like so much fun.

Do you even talk to your family?

Does Satan still talk to Jesus?

Okay.

If I wanted a headache, I'd listen to a straight white man

talk about the female body.

At all? Not even the cool cousins?

I have one cousin and she's actually insane.

Like trust, me these people are wicked

and not in like the Broadway musical way.

Well, this bruha needs to fly away to class.

I'll catch you later. Bye.

Peace.

From my studies,

if I did have to say one positive thing about the human race

it's that their desire for love is just so intriguing.

I know Bethany thought

that she was gonna be the one but I always knew it.

I tried to find love once.

And let me tell you mission not accomplished.

As a vampire, AKA an agent of Satan,

the holy tradition of marriage or love

is not reserved for us.

A distant dream in a far away realm.

But I can definitely see or envy it's appeal.

Tonight on 65 day fiance.

Carl, meeting you

has changed my life, forever.

And I can't wait to spend the next 65 days with you.

Oh my god, I'm so happy for them.

I don't be with you Janelle.

The tea.

But for now I'll just enjoy judging from afar.

Movies, tonight? Let's talk about it.

Anything bloody.

Nashville Lawnmower is out.

Fabulous. Let's do it.

I am so sorry.

Save it, jock strap.

What exactly was this? Red velvet iced coffee?

I have an iron deficiency, okay?

It's mixed with vitamins.

Oh my goodness.

My mom has an iron deficiency. I'm so sorry.

It's fine, um.

Sorry. I was being rude.

Would this be a bad time to ask where room C16 is?

It's just over there.

I'm Ian, by the way.

Ezra.

Well, if I see you again, I owe you another drink.

Not you, flirting with the fizzy from economics.

I have to have him.

Did you hear?

We found your little cousin, Ezra.

What?