Original subtitles

- I bet it's Eli.

- Hey buddy, what's up?

- I'm so sorry to bother you,

I need some advice.

- I told you.

Put it on speaker.

What's going on?

Did he stand you up?

- No, no, Brett's here.

He's very present.

He just bears absolutely no resemblance

to the picture in his profile.

- Maybe it was an old photo.

- Okay, I know time can be cruel,

but I don't know how he lost a foot

of his height and literally all

of his African-American heritage.

- Well, you did say you were open to all races.

- I am.

He lied, okay and I'm not talking about

some little white lie,

I'm talking about like a big muscly

I-stole-somebody-else's-profile lie.

- Yeah, that is kind of bad.

- So what do I do?

- Just be honest with him.

Tell him that you do not appreciate

that he misrepresented himself and then leave.

- Right, okay.

Hi, um, you know, I'm sorry.

That, that phone call was actually

an emergency with my cat.

Very sick.

I've gotta go.

- But you just got here.

- I know.

But, it's rabies?

And he doesn't have much time so

I really gotta to be there for his final hours.

- Oh, okay well.

I will call you and we can reschedule.

- You know, my people actually have

a really long mourning period.

For pets.

So I'm gonna be sipping Chivas for months.

- I, do you mean sitting shiva?

- No, Chivas Regal,

it's how we cope.

It was so nice to meet you.

- Oh, I can help.

I am a,

I'm a grief counselor.

- Your profile said graphic designer.

- I'm multi talented in all kinds of ways.

- I really should go.

Could you please let go.

- Just tell me you'll let me help.

I know I can make you feel better.

- Fine, whatever.

I'll call you.

- Okay, when?

- Soon.

- Tomorrow, I'm open all afternoon.

- Yes, great.

Bye.

We'll talk then.

- Don't leave, don't leave.

Ah, he smells like my future

- Whoa.

- You told him some crazy lie, right?

- Not crazy, cats get rabies.

- What?

- It's not funny.

He seriously wouldn't let go.

I had to drag him across the floor

while everybody in the coffee house watched.

- And you were afraid he wouldn't like you.

- Oh he liked me all right.

But I think it was in a

I want to wear your skin,

it puts the lotion in the basket kind of way.

- I'm sure you're exaggerating.

- Okay, fine.

He's probably not dangerous.

But, I don't know,

but it's kind of sad,

he's actually not a bad looking guy.

I just think he feels like he needs

to lie about who he is to get someone

to go on a date with him.

- Maybe he just found a strategy that works.

I'm sure some guys go ahead

and have sex with him.

- That's too pathetic.

It can't be true.

- He probably gets more action than you do.

- Yeah, thanks Nat,

I always feel better after our little chats.

- I'm sorry.

You know I'm right.

- God, why is my dating life such a disaster?

- Tonight was bad, but it's not just you.

I mean, it's tough out there for everybody.

- Ryan is right,

I'm sure crazier shit than this

is happening in coffee houses all over the city.

(upbeat music)

- Mind if I join you?

- Are you sure?

I'm not on your app.

- Does that mean you're straight?

- No, just not into hooking up.

- Me neither.

I, I mean I really just have that app for laughs.

- Does it work?

For laughs?

- Sometimes.

- So, um, do you have a name,

people usually do?

- Sorry, it's Darren.

You?

- Matthew.

- I haven't seen you in here before,

this is kind of a hangout for me.

- I'm new in the neighborhood.

Just moved from San Francisco.

- You'll do fine.

You're very sexy,

if you don't mind my saying.

- I don't mind, but seriously,

does that line usually work?

- What?

I'm sincere.

- You sincerely want to get into my pants.

- Well you shouldn't wear them so tight

if you don't want people to fantasize

about what's inside.

- Fair enough.

- So what do you think my chances are?

- Of getting into my pants?

I thought you weren't into hooking up?

- This isn't a hookup?

- Why?

Because we bonded,

formed a deep meaningful relationship?

- Hey we bantered,

I think that raises this to at least to a fling.

- A fling?

- What do you prefer, rendezvous,

liaison, un affaire de coeur?

- Let's stick with English.

- I guess a,

I guess a fling will do.

- So.

Any idea what you'd like to do on Friday?

- We never go out on Fridays.

- Have you forgotten what day it is?

- Hmmm, let me think?

Is it Bastille Day already?

- Bastard.

- Do you think we would have lasted 25 years

if I made a habit out

of forgetting our anniversary?

- Well, we are pushing 40,

senility can set in at any time.

- Well don't count on it,

I'm going to be sharp as a tack at 90.

Just like my mother.

- Hopefully, not as bitchy.

- My hearing, is also still just fine.

- I'm kidding.

You know I love your mother.

So, how should we celebrate?

25 years.

Makes a girl think.

- I'm sorry, I don't think we're going

to be able to resurrect Marilyn Monroe

for the occasion.

As much as I'd like to.

- I know.

We should do something special

to mark the occasion.

- Surprise me.

(screaming)

- Ok, cut!

Great work everyone.

This next setup is going to take a while so relax,

get some coffee.

We'll give you a five minute warning.

- Ooh, I think I sprained my uterus.

- You are bloody.

- Yeah, you think we get extra for this?

- I dunno.

I can't believe I went to Julliard.

We don't even have any fucking lines.

- I consider arrraaaaghhh to be a line.

I mean it's better than some of

the sitcom dialog I've had to say.

- Aah, this is god awful.

I think it's been sitting here all day.

- Probably.

- Wait.

You said that you were in sitcoms?

I've been here,

thank you,

I've been here for three months

and this the first job that I've booked.

- Aah, this is disgusting.

- I know.

This is what I think they call swill.

- You know what zombie number three?

You want to go get some real coffee?

I saw a place around the corner.

- Wait, do you think that we can leave?

And by the way I'm Brad.

Only my hardcore fans call me zombie number three.

- One, it's literally right across the street

so we're going to be back in two minutes.

And, I am not zombie with head wound, I'm Sean.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Come on!

They're not paying us enough to stay here

and drink this shit.

- Yeah, that's true.

Let's go.

- Throw out her banana.

Who would hand someone a half eaten banana?

- So you really went to Julliard?

- Yeah, that a $1.85 got me this cup of coffee.

- I got my MFA from UCLA which sounds

like word salad but it's supposed

to impress the casting directors.

- Does it?

- Well, I'm being paid below minimum wage

to terrorize beautiful young women so, yeah,

living the dream.

- It does sound like some guy's dream.

- Yeah, maybe.

But I'm not really interested in eating women,

figuratively or literally.

- Oh, well.

Me neither.

- Do you think they purposely hired gay zombies?

Like it's a political statement or something?

- Yeah, because they're all radical evangelicals

and we're responsible for earthquakes and 9/11.

So why wouldn't be be responsible

for the zombie apocalypse?

- Do you really think that

it's some sort of anti-gay propaganda film?

- No, of course not.

I don't think they know that their

two lead zombies are gay.

It's not like I put gay

on the top of my resume.

I don't really consider it a special skill.

- Oh, I disagree.

I think being a good homosexual

takes a lot of special skills.

But you're right,

none of them are on my resume.

Um, but I do have, can drive stick shift

and can touch nose with tongue.

- Oh wow, intriguing.

- Oh god, I'm so gross,

did that sound like a come on?

It was not meant to be come on.

- No, not really.

But, a girl can dream.

- So, I take it you're single.

- Yeah, like I said,

I just moved here a couple of months ago

and Los Angeles is not the easiest

place to meet people.

I mean there is not a big demand

for under-employed actors with crappy cars.

- Well, no, because half the population

of Los Angeles is under employed

actors who drive crappy cars.

- So what about you?

- Oh no, my car's great.

- No, I mean, are you single?

- I know what you meant.

- Um, yeah, I am, actually.

- Oh, so, then, maybe

we could go out sometime.

- Like, on a date?

You don't even know what I look like.

- So, you don't know what I look like.

It could be like a blind date.

- Yeah, but I don't really do blind dates.

Here, why don't I show you some photos.

- No.

- What do you mean no?

- Listen.

Sean, I have nothing to hide,

it's not like I have some deformities

underneath this makeup.

I just think that's it sad that like our world,

man on man, online world has been reduced

to looking at nothing but like dick pics

and face pics and chest pics.

- Oh, and don't forget my favorite,

the completely natural pose,

um, which is clearly a candid shot,

where they're ever so slightly lifting

up their shirt to show their abs.

- Yes, exactly.

I mean that's why this is liberating, like this.

I mean, you actually are interested

in me and what I'm saying.

- I think I get what you're saying.

You're totally ug-o, right?

Dude, I'm kidding.

No, I understand what you're saying, I really do.

But you can't pretend that physical

appearance doesn't matter.

- Of course it matters.

But I'm not a troll.

Look, I may not be your type

and you may not be my type but I like you.

And I think that you like me.

So, let's just, you know, be surprised

and go from there.

Kind of the opposite of Grindr

and Jacked and Lewd and Scuff and Growler.

- None of which you actually use.

You just happen to know the name

of every single app.

- No, not me.

So, is it a date?

- Is it wrong, that even as a zombie,

I do think you're kinda hot?

- Maybe, I don't know.

But for someone who's undead,

you're pretty sexy yourself.

- Ooh, back to set.

What the hell was that?

- A kiss.

A zombie kiss.

You know, just in case you do find

me disgusting when we're out of makeup.

- All right.

But I think I got a little brain

matter on your lower lip.

- Hey, what can I get you guys?

- Hi, can I get a large sugar-free mocha latte.

And can I get that with non-fat milk?

- Can I have your name?

- Lance.

- You are so gay.

Non-fat and sugar-free?

- Hey, this body doesn't just maintain itself!

- I'll have the same thing,

except you can put his missing cream

and sugar in mine.

Peter.

- You sure about that, buddy?

If you keep guzzling the sugar and fat,

you're never going to beat me.

- Okay, okay, I was a little off my game today.

I think I'm coming down with something.

- Can one come down with a pot belly?

- Fuck you!

The Dad bod is in.

All right, I'm in great shape,

I just had an off day.

- You say that every time I whip your ass.

- You did not whip my ass.

- I mopped up the floor with it.

I owned your ass.

- Yeah, you wish.

- Get over yourself.

Not every gay guy is lusting

after your virgin hole.

- That's not what I meant.

And I'm perfectly happy if your

people never give my backside a second thought.

What?

- It's just I feel kind of sorry for straight guys.

You completely miss out on

one of life's great pleasures.

- You're kidding, right?

You feel sorry for us?

- Lance.

- What?

Because we're not getting our asses pounded?

- Yes.

You have no idea how much more intense

an orgasm is when you're being penetrated.

- Yeah.

I'm think I'm all set on that one.

- Peter.

- That's just your straight male

fear of penetration.

You think of it as submission,

unmasculine.

- I'm not afraid.

I'm just not gay.

I'm like a total eight on the Kinsey scale.

- The scale only goes to six

and I'm pretty sure that's the 100% gay side.

- Whatever.

The point is, I'm not even a little bit bi.

The thought of a guy's dick up my butt

is not appealing.

- Who said anything about a guy?

This isn't a gay straight thing.

I'm talking about exploring one

of your body's most sensitive erogenous zones.

- Exploring it with what a flashlight?

- I'd start with something smaller.

- You're serious?

- It's called pegging.

Lots of straight guys are doing it.

It's a thing.

- Bullshit.

You're making this up.

- Google it.

- So it's what, a guy getting fucked

by a girl with a strap-on?

- Exactly.

They even make these strap-ons that

penetrate the woman while

she penetrates her partner.

Win-win for everyone.

It makes total sense, okay?

The anus and prostate have tons of nerve endings.

Why are they there if not to give

us pleasure during anal sex?

- Oh, oh, you want to play the evolution card?

All right, there's no evolution without reproduction.

And that requires a man fucking a woman

in the vagina.

And you want to talk about missed experiences?

You've never even been with a woman, right?

- Right.

Gold card gay.

- Okay, well, you are missing out on

one of life's great pleasures, pussy.

- I'm good with that.

- Okay.

Well, I'm good leaving my anus unexplored.

- Maybe we're both just scared.

Maybe what we need is an incentive.

- What do you mean?

- A bet.

A gentlemanly wager which ever of us overcomes

his fears first wins 20 bucks.

- 20 bucks.

If we're going to do this,

let's make it worthwhile.

A hundred!

- You're on.

- Holy Crap.

You're Asian.

- No shit.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Tell you what?

- With those glasses,

I thought you were Latino.

- Nope, I'm Filipino descent.

- Hang on a sec.

- I'm just not into Asians.

- You had me fooled.

- I'm not racist, really I'm not,

it's just Asians aren't my thing.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm not anybody's thing.

- Now, don't go getting offended.

- No fats, fems or Asians, right?

Let me guess,

you probably have a no blacks policy as well.

- No, I like black men.

I mean, blacks are fine.

- Oh, now I get it.

You're a size queen.

- A guy can't help what he's attracted to.

If we could we'd all be straight, right?

- And for you it's big dicks, huh?

- Look, I'm not proud of it,

but I know what I like and I'm just

not going to be satisfied by you know?

- By, by, what?

An Asian?

Cause we all have small dicks?

We're probably all bottoms too, right?

- Look, I'm sorry I offended you.

I better go.

- Yeah, maybe you should.

Before you go, I want to show you something.

- Omigodzilla.

Where'd you get that?

- Walmart was selling cock by the inch

so I decided to stock up.

What kind of a question is that?

Ah, you want this huh?

How bad do you want it?

- What?

- You heard me?

How bad?

Enough to beg for it?

- Beg?

You mean like on my knees?

- Sure, why not?

- Please sir, may I touch your cock?

- A racist piece of shit like you,

I don't think so.

You're too small for me.

- You haven't even seen it yet, though.

No wait.

- That's not the part of you that's too small.

- Fair enough.

- Why are you still here?

- I don't know.

It's really weird

it just felt wrong to leave.

- Trust me it's not wrong.

Now go be weird somewhere else.

- Wait.

- Why?

- I know I kept apologizing,

but I don't think you understand.

I'm truly sorry.

And not just because I'm missing out

on an epically big dick.

- Okay, apology accepted.

- Wait.

Couldn't we, I don't know, start over?

Go out to dinner, or something?

- You mean, like on a date?

- Yeah, a date, a normal date.

Tonight?

- Like I was real person and just

a life support system for a penis?

- Yeah, just like that.

- You're not embarrassed to be seen

in public with an Asian guy?

Ooh, what will your friends think?

- Fuck 'em.

- No thanks, but maybe.

Maybe if you take me somewhere very nice

and manage to keep at least one foot out your mouth,

I'll fuck you.

- I'll pick you up at eight.

- 7:30.

- I don't understand why I'm doing this.

- Because you're objective.

You won't be swayed by physical beauty.

Clearly my judgment can't be trusted.

- It was one bad date.

And it wasn't your fault.

- No, no, no no no,

it was one disastrous date,

after a half dozen merely bad dates.

- You're exaggerating.

- No, I'm not.

Look you can't quite possibly be

as bad at this as I am.

Okay, can you just please pick somebody.

- Hey, Nat.

Come in here a sec, would ya?

- What's up?

- We're helping Eli find a boyfriend.

- You know what, it's fine.

- No no no no.

Natalie's got a great eye for this.

She picked me, didn't she?

- All that proves is I'm into

skinny white boys, honey.

- I'm not skinny, I just have a high metabolism,

it's genetic.

- Baby.

- Children, children.

Hello.

Hi, hi!

Could we find an attractive

non-psycho for me to date?

- Ooh, what about this guy?

He's young, clean-cut professional.

It says he is not looking for a hook-up.

- Are you high?

He's totally out of my league.

- That's ridiculous.

You're adorable, man.

- Says the straightest guy on earth.

- Ryan's right, if you were straight

I'd totally be all over you.

- Excuse me?

- If I were single, baby.

The point is you're good-looking,

you're young, employed.

You have a lot to offer.

- I don't know.

- Oh come on, this guy looks great.

- I guess he can't kill me and eat me.

- There was that one guy in Ger-

- Not helping honey.

- Do you mind?

- Oh.

- Casual, real casual.

- You must be Rachel.

- Oh, I must be.

Hi.

- Hi Rachel, I'm Leo.

Nice to meet you.

Can I sit?

- Sure, have a seat.

- How are you?

- I'm good.

Omigosh.

Sorry I'm a little nervous.

I mean, I saw your picture

but you're very handsome in a bearded way.

- Thank you.

Thanks, thanks on my beard.

Alright, can we be honest are you,

are you nervous because of something else?

- Um, well I've never dated a

- Short guy?

- No, I'm tall.

So that would be self-defeating but.

- Right, I'm sorry I'm joking,

I'm nervous too and you know this

is my first time on a date as a man.

- Okay, yeah, because before you identified

as like a lesbian?

- A lesbian?

No, I didn't really identify as a lesbian.

I mean that would be like a woman

loving a woman and I really didn't identify

as a woman, I mean, I always kinda

felt like a man, so.

No, you know I would say I was a person

with a vagina loving another person

with a vagina, so.

- Okay, I get that, yeah.

So, let me just lay this out there.

I find you really attractive.

Actually unnervingly sexy.

But

- You like dick.

And I don't have one.

- Yeah, I mean, wow,

you don't beat around the bush.

- I do have one of those.

- Oh, I get it.

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

- You want to know, what, if we pursue this,

like how it would all work?

- Yeah, is that too aggressive or forward?

- No, let's be forward.

How about, okay, do you like oral sex?

- Yeah, yeah, I do.

- I'm really good at oral sex

and I've been told I have magic fingers.

- That's good.

Actually, I'm not so concerned

about you satisfying me.

I'm just more concerned about.

Well, I love my vagina well enough,

but I don't know if I could be up close

and personal with someone else's.

- Okay, all right, well let me put

it to you this way.

The very first time that you saw a penis.

Did you think it was beautiful?

- Beautiful?

Ah, no.

- OK, and now?

- Okay, I see where you're going with this.

Yeah, maybe I could grow to love your vagine.

- My vagine.

I mean, I don't exactly love my vagine

but I would hope that we if we were

to become involved and.

I don't know, if we loved each other,

then maybe, I don't know, maybe you would love

that part of me too.

- Yeah, that's a good way to think of it.

- But really, we're putting the cart

before the horse.

I mean, neither of us are jumping

into the sack tonight.

You know, I figure if I'm gonna get

naked with someone then it's gonna

be somebody that I'm in a relationship with

and maybe that I see something with and

I figure that when it comes to

the sex stuff it will work itself out.

- So, has that been your experience?

- My experience has been kind of limited.

I mean this is really kind

of new territory for me.

- Okay, got it.

But you transitioned two years ago

so you must be kind of picky.

- Not excessively.

I would say, you know, it's not

all rainbows and unicorns

for trans people all the time.

Once you weed out the people who

sort of fetishize trans men or trans people

and you weed out the women who want men

with penises, and then weed out gay guys

who want men with dicks,

there's not even a check box

for me on match.com after that.

- I don't know, I don't know either.

- Did I, did I just freak you out?

I'm sorry.

- No.

No, actually you're all good.

I think you're charming and rather adorable.

- Well, you are going to give

me a swelled head.

- Right.

So there's just one more thing

we should get out of the way.

- Okay.

What do you got?

- Well.

- Bring it.

- Okay, well, I'm also a trans.

- Wait, what, what?

Excuse me.

- I'm trans too.

- You lied.

- No, I didn't lie!

I just,

I just didn't get to it yet, I just omitted.

- Why would you omit

the most important thing about yourself?

- Well, it's not the most important thing about me.

It's not even close.

And I didn't want this connection

or whatever to be all about that.

- What is wrong with being attracted to

and relating to somebody that you

have a profound shared life experience with?

- Nothing.

Nothing's wrong with that.

I mean, I'm, I'm a part of the trans community.

I'm proud of that,

I just, god, I don't want my whole

life to be about that.

Can't I just be a person?

Maybe not, maybe not a normal person,

whatever that means, but just a person?

- It's misleading,

it was under false pretense

that you didn't share this information with me.

I'm not a cis-gender man who is gonna beat you,

rape you or murder you if you share

this information with me.

You should have told me.

I think I'm going to go.

- Really?

Leo.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to deceive you.

I just, uh.

Oh god.

Look.

I just wanted to get to know you woman to man,

not trans to trans.

You know what I mean,

just a real connection

without that obvious thing.

It didn't work anyway.

We spent our whole time talking about trans issues,

and I really wanted to know how

you felt about the Carpenters.

- People who work with wood?

- No, like Karen and Richard Carpenter?

- Seriously, the Carpenters?

- Yeah, I'm kind of obsessed.

I mean a voice like that comes along,

what, once in a generation.

- You're weird.

But I can deal with weird.

I just, I don't think I can deal with the lies.

- Well, I mean I told you as soon

as I felt something real.

And I'm sorry I waited.

- How do I know that there's

not something else you've omitted?

- You don't.

Actually, you can't.

Not until we get to know each other a lot better.

- You still want to do that?

- Yeah, I do.

- Very much.

- God, my head is killing me.

Why is the sun so fucking bright?

- Ah, because it's morning, in Los Angeles, in August.

- Why are you still here?

- Where else would I be?

- How should I know?

Where ever you people go.

- You people?

- The dearly departed, the dead.

- I prefer corporeally challenged.

- So political correctness extends

into the afterlife.

Great.

- Hey, don't blame me.

I only exist in your head.

- Yeah, about that.

Why do you look so damn good?

We both know you weren't this hot

or this tall in life so why I am

I torturing myself by making you look perfect?

Hey.

- Who were you talking to?

- Nobody.

- Oh.

Omigod.

You've got to tell me about last night.

I can't believe you haven't called me.

- He was otherwise occupied, slut.

- Jesus, you're chipper this morning.

Do you have any idea how annoying that is?

- I'm a morning person, you know that.

- It's one of your more irritating qualities.

- Blah, blah, love you too.

Drink your coffee.

- Aww, perfection.

How do you always remember how I like it?

- After 20 years of being best friends,

how do you never remember how I like mine?

- Rampant narcissism and poor short-term memory.

- Oh, so true, so true about you.

Stop changing the subject,

I want to hear about this historic date.

- It wasn't historic.

It was just a normal date.

- Excuse me, hi, best friend over here.

All right?

Hi.

Oh, good morning.

Yeah no bullshit zone, all right?

This is your first date since Mitch died.

And you got laid, right?

That's historic.

How was it?

- The date?

- It.

How was it?

- He was an animal.

And not the good kind.

- Fine.

I mean, if sex isn't fun,

you're just not doing it right.

- So, he didn't ask you to do

like nasty perverted stuff?

- According to most of the world,

anything two men do together

is nasty and perverted, so.

- Personally, I think it's perverted

to only do it missionary position in the dark,

but what do I know?

But, how was it?

Answer the question.

- We were completely safe,

if that's what you were worried about.

- Who's worried?

No. I just want to make sure you had fun.

- I guess.

- Oh, enthusiasm.

- Like I said, it was, it was fun.

- But.

- But.

- But, so what.

So is masturbation.

So is an ice cream sundae.

When it's all over, what does it mean?

- Too many ice cream sundaes

and you won't fit into your skinny jeans.

- Anthony, this is serious psychological stuff.

You're making fat jokes.

- I used to be fat,

I can make fat jokes.

Maybe, you just had fun.

Does it have to mean something?

- I don't know.

Maybe I expect too much.

Sex is a great recreational sport,

but making love, making love is different.

- I'm getting a feeling that

this date didn't go so well.

- That's why I love you Anthony,

you're so perceptive.

- Last night was a test.

I wanted to see if I could do it.

If after all those years of making love with Mitch,

I could go back to just fucking.

- And?

- I mean, all the plumbing works.

But I just don't want to.

Sure, there are a lot of beautiful men out there,

but, I need a guy with more between his ears

and a beautiful head of hair.

I don't care if he has no hair.

No muscles, no as, well he needs an ass.

But just so long as there's a person

I can find a kinship with you know.

And last night with Greg,

not only were we not on the same wavelength,

I kept thinking we were transmitting

in in different languages.

- Yeah, you were barely the same species.

- God, that sounds awful.

- It wasn't, it was a typical date.

No worse than dozens of other

ones that I've been on.

Well, okay, maybe a little.

But that's just cause I was out of practice.

The main difference,

was it the big payoff at the end, the sex?

It just wasn't worth it.

- So, what does this mean, Jeff,

that you're on this course to monkdom?

Because I don't think that's

what Mitch would want for you.

- Eternally pining away for me,

has a certain appeal.

- No!

I'm just going to be selective.

I'm gonna hold out for someone special.

- And you don't care what he looks like?

As long as he has the inner

qualities that you admire?

- Well, I'm not gonna hook up with

the elephant man, but within reason, yes.

I think someone can become sexy if,

if you know, their personality is attractive.

- Okay, so you're saying that if somebody came

in the door right now,

that had everything you were looking for

but you didn't find him that physically attractive

you could still have a relationship,

a sexual relationship with him.

- Yes.

- Well, what if that person was here right now?

- You mean you?

- Yes, I mean me, idiot.

- But you're his best friend.

- But you're my best friend.

- Yeah, exactly.

- We're like brothers.

It would be weird.

- Well hey, haven't you heard?

Incest is the new hot.

- Ew.

- Okay, I don't know why I said that.

- Okay, well maybe if they're,

you know, muscular Czech boys with big.

- Okay, you know what?

If you're gonna lump me in with

the elephant man, I'm out.

- Of course not,

it's not, it's just that.

- You find me physically repulsive.

- No, you're very attractive.

You're the most wonderful person.

- Hey!

- One of the most wonderful

people I've ever known.

But.

- I'm not your type.

I get it.

And Mitch was your type,

I don't, I just, he's not here anymore Jeff.

And here we are and.

- But, you shouldn't settle.

You deserve someone who lusts after you,

someone whose type you totally are.

- But Jeff, it's so much more than that.

It's so much more than just lust, okay,

you know, I mean, when I used to be fat I,

I dated chubby chasers.

And I was their fantasy, you know,

but I wasn't a real person to them.

And I think, I don't know,

I think what you and I have is completely

real with each other.

And I think there's something

to be said for that.

- There's a lot to be said for that.

I mean, you mean the world to me.

And that's why I wouldn't want to fuck

it up by, you know, fucking.

- You said you were looking for a kindred spirit.

Well, well so am I.

My god, I think we have that with each other.

And what, are we going to let fear get

in the way of something that

could be totally wonderful?

- Jesus, I should have saw this coming.

- Okay, hold on for a minute.

Cause I, I, I, I need to absorb this.

It's a lot to.

- Okay, you need a minute.

- Process.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, I need to go pee.

- Oh good.

- Isn't that great.

- Yeah.

- Super convenient,

so I'm going to go do that now.

- Have a good time.

- I'm gonna go do that.

- No, don't look at me.

This is your life.

I have no skin in this game.

In fact, I have no skin.

- It's a completely hare-brained,

preposterous idea.

- But what if it worked?

- What?

You never even liked Anthony.

- I loved Anthony.

- You guys would needle each other all

of the time, you never agreed on anything.

- We agreed on you!

We both love you.

- So, so what are you saying?

I should say yes?

- I'm saying the two of you always

had something special.

Heck, even I was jealous of it.

- But what if we screwed up the friendship,

I don't think I could handle that.

- We've been through a lot of things,

I think we can weather this.

- I've just never launched

a relationship so cold-bloodedly.

- We're contemplating an affair not a murder.

- Friends are friends and lovers are lovers,

you don't mix up the categories.

- Remember what you told me when we first met?

Back when I was still pretending to be straight.

You said, we make our own life rules.

And the exceptions, too.

- You're right.

- So, is that a yes?

- Yes, it's a, it's a yes.

- Well, if it's a yes,

then what are you doing all the way over there?

It's okay to still miss him you know.

- I know.

But it will be different.

- Yeah, of course.

- And that's a good thing.

- Yeah, it's a really good thing.

- You know I love you, right?

- I know.

Shut up and kiss me.

- Tell me again why we are up at

the crack of 10 to have coffee

with people we don't even know.

- I know them.

Well, at least Margaret.

And David sounds great.

You're the one always complaining

that we never meet new people.

- It was an observation,

it was not a complaint.

- You're going to love them.

You and David have a lot in common.

- I hate lawyers.

- We're lawyers.

- Yeah, well, I can tolerate us.

I mean, it's those other people

that I find annoying.

- That's what I love about you

your positive attitude.

- Honey, I'm sorry.

Okay, look, I just feel like,

you know, Sunday mornings are the perfect

time to lie around the house,

pretending to read the New York Times.

- I actually do read it.

- Not today.

- Look, if you don't like them,

we won't do this again.

I just thought it would be a nice change

to get out of the house.

- Well, are they chronically late?

I mean, you know how I feel about late people.

- They're not late.

We were early.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Nice to meet you.

- Yeah.

Same here.

- I'm so happy we're finally doing this.

You know, we've been talking about

getting together for months.

- I actually have to go the little girl's room.

- Oh, I'll come with.

- What is it women always go

to the bathroom in packs?

- What the hell are you doing here?

- Me?

How was I supposed to know that

your wife was my wife's workout buddy?

- If you're trying to trap me

into leaving Margaret.

- Don't be an ass.

Look, I am perfectly happy with our arrangement.

- Arrangement?

- I don't know.

What would you call it?

- Right now I'd call it fucking terrifying.

I thought for sure Margaret

was gonna notice my heart pounding.

- Oooh, why I am so flattered I can

still make your heart go pitter-pat.

- Stop it.

This isn't funny.

They're bound to notice something.

- Not if you will calm the fuck down.

- I've had nightmares like this.

Maybe I'm asleep now.

Ow.

- Nope.

You're awake.

- Asshole.

How are you so calm?

You really didn't plan this?

- Jesus, David, I am not that devious.

Look, if I wanted more than what we have,

I would just say so.

But I know, I'm greedy,

but I like having a wife and a lover.

Don't you?

- Yes, but.

- But, what?

- Doesn't the lying ever get to you?

- You know what, actually,

having you in my life makes me a better husband.

- I had no idea you could

rationalize with such virtuosity.

- It's not a rationalization.

Nah, I'm actually,

I'm happy because I don't have

to deny a big part of myself.

- I just met her, of course,

but I'm guessing your wife would rather

you were a little less happy,

and a lot more faithful.

- Yeah, well, what she doesn't

know won't hurt her.

- But what if she, or Margaret, notices something?

I mean, what if one of us does

or says something?

- Okay, relax.

Something like this isn't even on their radar.

- I suppose you're right.

- Of course I'm right.

They don't suspect a thing.

- You were right.

This is so hot.

- I told you.

Nothing quite like making out while

our oblivious husbands a few feet away.

- I guess we should get back.

Unless you think we have time

for me to go down on you?

- You know I don't like to rush that.

And I think even they would notice

if we stayed in here for half an hour!

- You don't think they know that we know, do you?

- Please.

They think they're being so clever.

- Maybe we should tell them that

that's how we really met,

checking up on who they were fucking.

- Why ruin the fun?

Besides, they're on to something,

sneaking around is exciting.

- Remind me, did we tell them we met

at yoga or Pilates?

- Who remembers?

I'm sure they don't.

- What is so funny, ladies?

- We're just so happy that we

finally got you boys together.

- That's right.

We both had an intuition you guys would hit it off.

- And we weren't wrong, were we?

I can tell, you two like each other.

- Uh.

Yeah, David is a great guy.

We were just out here talking shop.

- Right.

Shop.

Lawyer stuff.

Nothing, you know, very personal.

- Oh, that's too bad.

We were hoping you guys were

out here being intimate.

- Well, the day is young, right?

And since we're all hitting it off so well,

maybe we can just make

this a regular thing, right.

Wouldn't that be fun?

- Oh, I'm game.

- Cheers to that.

- Cheers.

- Well, you owe me $100.

- Seriously?

You did it?

- Can't you tell from the way that I'm walking?

God, I'm sore.

- Holy crap.

I can't believe you went through with it.

So, how was it?

- At first it hurt like hell.

I may have called your name out,

as a curse, a few times.

Still Awkward.

I never thought I'd be the one to say,

baby, slow down, be gentle.

But the crazy thing is, once she did,

the pain receded and.

- It started to feel amazing, right?

- I'm not hooked or anything.

But it was interesting.

Worth adding to the repertoire.

- I knew you'd like it.

- So, did you hook up with a woman?

- Yeah, that was never going to happen.

- What?

- Breasts are awesome, but vaginas?

Kind of scary.

- Scarier than getting butt-fucked?

- Apparently.

- You jerk.

- That is the best 100 bucks I ever spent.

- Dick.

- Jackwad.

- Fucktard.

- Hi.

Dan?

- Jesus Christ!

You said you were 25.

Did you just tack on an even 10 years?

- What?

No.

- You are not in your 20s.

- I may have added a few years.

But no worries, I'm legal.

Well, almost.

I'm 17.

In a couple months.

- Which means you're 16.

Holy Christ.

- That's the age of consent in England.

- Yeah, but we're not in England.

And I don't fancy going to jail.

- Please, don't go.

- Listen, kid.

- It's not illegal to talk to me.

- No offense,

but I'm looking for a boyfriend,

not a project.

- Just stay a minute.

Please.

I don't know any other gay people.

- Seriously?

In this day and age?

Doesn't your school have some

sort of gay straight alliance or something?

- Yeah, but all the guys who go are so faggy.

- You know that word's offensive, right?

- I thought it was okay for us to use it.

You know, like queer.

- I'm not the decider of what's okay and not.

But I don't like that word,

so if you want me to stay,

don't use it again.

- Okay.

Sorry.

- So why aren't you trying

to meet guys your own age?

- Guys my age don't know anything.

Guys your age.

- How in the hell did I get to be

the voice of experience at 29.

- You said you were 27.

- That's my online age.

Whenever I put down 29,

I get all these guys in their 30s

and 40s hitting on me.

- So it's okay for you to lie,

but you're pissed at me for doing it?

- It's different.

You're.

- Jail-bait?

- Well, yeah.

- It's still lying.

Not the smartest way to meet Mr. Right.

- Nobody ever accused me of being smart.

A smart-ass, maybe.

- You seem plenty smart.

And cute, too.

You don't need to lie about your age to meet guys.

- I guess so.

It's just so close to 30.

- I wish I were that old.

- Don't wish away your youth.

It'll go fast enough.

Trust me.

- You know, I wouldn't tell anyone

if you and me did.

- Okay.

- No, wait.

I'm sorry.

I won't say anything like that again, I'm sorry.

It's just, I'm lonely.

- You mean horny.

I may be old, but I still remember

what it was like to be a teenager.

I think I had a continuous hard-on

all four years of high school.

- Is that when you came out?

- No.

But I'm not from here.

I grew up in a small town.

Like you said,

most of the guys that were coming out

were pretty flamboyant,

not exactly in to start with.

I got called fag a few times,

but mostly I was able to blend in.

People just thought I was shy.

- Maybe that's what people think of me.

I don't really know.

- Do you get picked on?

- No, not really.

I mean, no more than everybody else.

High school kind of sucks, you know?

- Yeah, I remember.

- I don't know.

Doesn't feel like I really belong anywhere.

- I hate to tell you,

but that doesn't necessarily change.

If you're lucky,

you find a group of friends you like.

And if you're really lucky, you find a partner.

But we don't all have that kind of luck.

- You've never had a boyfriend?

- I've had boyfriends.

Just none that lasted.

By now I thought I would be settling down,

even thinking of having kids.

Instead, I'm trolling meet-up sites

and dating them.

- I'm not a kid!

- And we're not dating.

But I didn't mean it as an insult.

It's not a crime to be young.

In fact, as you'll soon discover,

youth is a hot commodity in the gay community.

A lot of guys would be excited by

the fact that you're so young.

And probably a virgin, right?

- I've had cyber-sex a couple times.

- Sorry to interrupt a father-son chat,

but are you using this chair?

- Oh, he's not my Dad!

- Oh, really.

- Yeah, we're just friends.

- I see.

- Uh, we're not using the chair,

you're welcome to it.

- What a bitch!

- No, she's probably just a mom,

imagining how she'd feel if her son

was meeting up with strange men in coffee houses.

- You're not so strange.

- You got lucky.

Next guy may not be so nice.

- I'm not going to get raped.

- There are lots of ways to get hurt.

- I can take care of myself.

- No.

You can't.

With all those hormones running wild,

your judgment is for shit.

- That's not true.

- If I'd been willing,

you'd have gone home with me, right?

- Maybe.

- And you don't know anything about me.

Maybe I strangle young boys just for kicks.

- Not with those soft hands.

- I'm being serious.

Maybe odds are against you running

into a serial killer.

But what about a guy who'll convince you

to let him fuck you without a condom?

There are plenty of those out there.

- I know about safe sex.

They covered it in health class.

- Did they cover what to say when

the guy you think you're in love

with swears he's HIV negative

and promises to be faithful,

and thinks it would bring you closer

together to have skin-to-skin contact?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.

Just stick with cyber-sex,

or better yet, just jack off.

That's how I survived my teens.

- Where are you going?

- Listen, kid.

It was nice to meet you, but.

- Owen.

My name is Owen.

- That's your real name?

- Yeah.

- I'm really Dan, just not really 27.

- You shouldn't lie.

There's nothing wrong with being 30.

- You're probably right.

And actually, I'm turning 34 next month.

- I knew it.

See, I'm not so stupid.

- Not at all.

I bet we'd be friends if I

was 15 years younger.

- Why can't we be friends now?

- Cause it's creepy.

Guys my age don't hang out with teenagers.

- But you could mentor me.

And I could help you stay in touch

with what young people are into these days.

I mean, 34 is practically middle-aged.

- You little bastard.

- So, you want to stay?

I'll buy you a cup of coffee?

- I'm probably going to regret this.

Sure.

- Did you want some coffee?

- No, I'm good.

In fact, I'm very good.

No PDA?

Sorry, I should have asked.

For some guys, that's part of the fantasy.

- No, it's okay.

Let me explain.

This isn't for me.

- Well, I will be there,

but it's really an anniversary present,

for my partner.

We've been together 25 years.

- Holy crap.

- Yeah, I know.

25 years of monogamy.

- Shut up.

Okay, maybe you've been faithful,

but both of you?

I don't buy it.

- Well if I can do it,

why can't he?

- Cause he's a dude.

- So what am I?

An alien?

- Might as well be.

Sorry.

I don't mean to offend.

In my business I don't often see

that side of the relationship.

- That's okay.

I don't think our friends believe us either.

- Seriously, that was unprofessional.

Um, so what did you have in mind?

- Well, Richard,

that's my partner,

is a really big fan of your work.

- Really?

Cool.

- Yes.

Anyway, he's impossible to buy for.

So when I saw your ad,

I thought you would be the perfect present.

- Wait, so you want me to end

25 years of monogamy?

- No, no, no.

As long as we share you,

we haven't violated any trust.

- Okay.

Well you know couples are extra.

And there's another bump if you guys want DP.

- DP?

- Double penetration.

- Oh.

Well that seems fair.

- And, I don't care if you guys have

been monogamous since the Reagan administration,

condoms are mandatory.

And don't expect me to bring any drugs.

- Understood, no drugs.

- I mean you guys can do drugs

but I'm not gonna supply them.

I'm a whore, not a pusher.

- Okay, we're not really drug people anyway.

Red wine is more our speed.

- Just no fucking Merlot, right?

- Sideways.

So how does this work?

Do I book this directly with you,

or do you have, like, an agency?

- You mean like a pimp?

- No!

Don't you guys usually go

through an escort service?

- Sometimes.

But this is just between you and I.

- You said this would be quick.

We are dying out there.

- I'm almost done.

Go back to the car, please.

- (inaudible) in the car!

- So turn on the AC.

- Okay, Tyler has to go to the bathroom.

- Ah, Jesus Christ.

- What do you expect him to do,

piss his pants?

- All right, then what are you waiting for?

Take him to the bathroom.

Sorry about that.

- That's your?

- My girlfriend and my kid.

- So you're not gay?

- That's a job.

- Your girlfriend,

she knows what you do for a living?

- Yeah, how could she not?

I'm like a celebrity, bro.

I've won two Grabby Awards!

- Right.

And your son?

- He's five.

I'll be retired before he starts asking questions.

I'm saving up.

Gonna go back to school.

Now, I know that like kills the fantasy.

But, that's why I told Lori to wait in the car.

- Tell me the truth, do you enjoy the sex at all?

Or is it really just.

- A grind?

- So, is it?

- Sometimes.

But it's not like I'm out there digging ditches.

You know, when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

And sometimes even better than that.

- I can do it myself.

- Hold still.

- Sorry.

He's actually a really good kid,

he's just at that age, you know.

- I'm sorry.

I can't go through with this.

- Look, I get it.

You know, if you want I can put

you in contact with one of my colleagues.

Single, gay.

Whatever you want.

- No, no, no, no.

It was you that would have made it special.

Richard really is a fan.

I think he has all of your movies.

I even brought this to be sure

I'd recognize you.

- My first starring role.

I won best newcomer that year.

- Yeah, it's a classic, classic.

- Here, take this.

Get your kid some ice cream,

it really is a hot day.

- Thanks, man.

- Hey, gimme that.

- Thank you!

That'll make a really nice anniversary present.

- Maybe better than what you had in mind.

I mean, I'd hate to fuck up

25 years of monogamy.

So to speak.

- I appreciate your concern,

but I think we're stronger than that.

- Sorry I'm late.

- No problem.

I got an iced mocha.

You want anything?

- No, I'm good.

- So, you actually look like your profile pic,

that's kind of amazing.

- Thanks.

You, too.

- Are you sure you don't want a coffee?

- I don't actually drink coffee.

You want to get out of here?

- That was fast.

I guess it didn't go.

- Hey, guys.

This is Jonathan.

- Hey.

- Hello.

- We'll just be in there, talking.

This is my room.

Well, that was awkward.

- Why?

They're not your parents.

They know you have sex, right?

- Yeah.

I mean, not while they're 10 feet away.

- The TV is on they won't hear anything.

I'm not a screamer.

Are you?

- Not today.

- Ah, yeah, good little ginger, yeah.

Sorry, I gotta take that.

- Are you, you're kidding me, right?

- No, I gotta meet some friends after this.

Sorry.

Don't stop, it feels good.

- I told you.

I have a gift for these things.

- Do you mind?

- I thought you didn't smoke.

- Well, yeah, I don't, not normally.

It just seems after sex it'd be

a crime not to have a cigarette.

- Sorry.

There's no smoking in the apartment.

You don't have to go.

- I'm meeting those friends, remember?

- Oh yeah.

Well, are you doing anything tomorrow?

Do you want to maybe catch a movie or something?

- I'm kind of busy.

- Okay.

- Look, you were great.

It's just that I'm not looking

for anything heavy right now.

- I asked to go see a movie

not to go to a funeral.

- You want a boyfriend and I'm just not

in that place right now.

- Your profile said you weren't

looking for hook ups.

- You have to say that

otherwise you just get skanks.

It's been fun.

I'll see you around.

- Come in.

Jesus, Nat.

- I'm sorry.

You said come in.

- So, was it awesome?

- He's really cute, huh?

- It may have been even more

humiliating than my last date.

- Oh come on, that's not even possible.

- He had full on text conversation

with his friends while I was going down on him.

- Okay.

I stand corrected.

- Why am I so stupid?

Why do I keep attracting these losers?

- I could say something here

about frogs and princes.

- Please don't.

- Or, we could talk about actually

having coffee with the guy

you're meeting for coffee.

- He doesn't drink coffee.

- Not the point.

- I think what Ryan is suggesting is

that maybe you get to know a guy

a little bit before you jump in the bed.

- That's just so.

- Smart?

- Difficult?

- Heterosexual?

- Maybe 50 years ago.

These days, most of my girlfriends

are in the same boat you're in.

- A sinking one?

- Getting to get to know a guy by fucking them.

- So you're saying that's not a good thing?

- Not if you want a boyfriend.

- Oh, I hate when you guys are right.

So will do you guys wanna come with me next time

so you can make sure that

I don't do anything stupid?

- No.

- You guys suck.

- Hey man, you got to do it on your own!

- This is your fault.

- Love you too.

- Seriously?

You're Brad?

- I know, but.

I give great head.

I mean like, truly great head.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Let's go.

- Oh, okay.

Woohoo.

("Hiding in My Dreams" by Eric Himan)