Original subtitles

Flu epidemic at peak. Paper.

Thousands away from work. Paper.

His mudguard smashed against my hand. Like this.

Constable, this is really important. Of national importance.

Now just a moment please. You say it's your right

you were walking with your back to the car?

- Well, what if I was? - You shouldn't have been.

Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous driving just the same,

and I'd like to report... sedition.

Just a minute, all of you.

Six down with flu now. Difficult days, sergeant?

Yes, sir, very difficult for some of us.

What do you mean, some of us? Difficult for all of us, in'it.

Well for those of us who has to carry on.

It can't be difficult for those who have flu.

They're in bed in the section house.

I don't get your meaning, sergeant.

All I'm saying is, that these are difficult

times for those of us who have flu.

No, you said these are difficult

times for those of us who haven't...

Who haven't got flu. Yes, you're right.

Yes. I'm sorry... anyway look...

There's too much arguing goes on here and it's bad for discipline.

And discipline has been bad in this station lately.

Now, I've warned you once, haven't I. I shan't warn you again.

Yes, sir, this time it's final... again.

Would you like to see my shubunkin?

If it'll give you any satisfaction.

That's him with the three stripes up. Or

her. What about that plain one there?

What the copper?

I'm hoping that's the opposite of what the other one was.

Haven't got much room, have they?

They don't need much room you know, for, er...

Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer them to a garden pond.

Who's gonna dig that for you, sir?

I see. I am.

Hard work never hurt anyone, wilkie.

Yes, I feel very well myself. Do you. You surprise me.

Anyway look, let's see that my orders

concisely given are smartly carried out.

Yes, sir.

Well, go on, what are you waiting for?

You haven't given me an order yet, sir. What?

You asked me to come and see you about the replacements, sir.

I did? On account of the flu epidemic, sir.

Yes, all right, all right, you thought

I'd forgotten it, didn't you?

Three temporary replacements.

Three.

From the police school. Anyway, chase

them. Show 'em what discipline is.

After all, these men are volunteers.

You've only got to start giving them half

a rousing and they hand in their notice.

Well, don't argue, get on with it. But remember my

warning. If there's not a change around here...

I'm going to ask for you to be transferred.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

What if I was?

Well you shouldn't have been. Always face the oncoming traffic.

It was dangerous driving just the same

and I want to report... sedition.

Well, sergeant moon, it's happened.

Threatened to transfer you, has he?

That crafty little... if you weren't a lady, I'd say it.

If you weren't a gentleman, I'd expect you to.

What a marvellous technique he's got.

Shove all the work onto the sergeant. Then when it

looks like the sergeant's gonna' get credit for it

chase the sergeant from ear'oles to breakfast time,

panic him into making a mistake, moan to

hq and bingo. The sergeant's transferred.

Sergeant Wilkins, can you lend me a hand here please.

Coming. Excuse me.

Look, all I want is my provisional driving licence.

Post office.

About time we had a few purges in this country.

I was here before him.

It's my neighbour's radio. He plays it too

loud. Drives me crackers. What can I do?

Move. Next. Stick it, thurston.

Relief's coming. Replacements, sergeant?

Three. Three keen, alert, helpful raring-to-go constables. I hope.

Hurry up. It's nearly closing time.

Good afternoon.

Just a moment. Could you possibly direct me to the police station?

Certainly. Just cross over and it's up there on the left.

Thanks awfully. I'm round new here.

So sorry to have delayed you.

That's quite all right.

Any luck? Rather.

Thank goodness. All this trampling about. My feet are killing me.

What a nice fellow. He said it's this way.

Now what?

A cross-eyed man crossing our path.

Cor. Shocking bad luck.

Utter twaddle. Primitive superstition.

You may sneer if you wish, Benson, but I

know that cosmic forces rule our lives.

And a cross-eyed man, seen when the moon is in its third quarter,

it's just about the worst omen there is, that is.

It means two misfortunes.

You can tempt fate if you like mate,

but I'm not crossing this road here.

That's one misfortune.

That's two misfortunes.

All right, we can cross now.

Thanks, chaps.

I'll have a constable to you right away.

Why? Want to make a male-voice quartet?

Ssh.

Sergeant. It's our replacements.

Welcome. Welcome.

What a lovely sight, thurston?

Not half, sergeant.

At ease, at ease.

I'm Benson. This is constable Potter

and this is constable constable.

Charlie constable.

Oh I get it, that's your name?

Yeah, and I'm fed up with it. Everybody keeps taking the Mickey.

Nobody will do that here, constable constable.

I'm very pleased to here it, sergeant sergeant.

Well then let's here all about you then.

What delayed you then couldn't you find your way to the station?

That's right.

Sense of humour? Well that's good. You need that in this job.

So you're just out of police school, are you? How'd you do?

Frightfully fit, thanks sergeant.

No, how did you do at school?

Horrible.

You're pulling my leg, aren't you? You didn't

really do badly at school? Tell me you didn't.

Well sergeant, we did pass.

Only just. In my case, it was sheer prejudice.

The instructors... instructors. Hopelessly old-fashioned.

All uniformly hostile to my advanced forensic theories.

That had nothing to do with it.

Sergeant, on the day of the finals,

a black cat fell off the roof.

And Mars was in conjunction with uranus at the time.

I ask you, sergeant. How could we possibly do well?

Approximately 100 trainees did very well.

Well they must have been under the influence of "pisces".

Oh, "pisces" yourself.

You septic.

The word is sceptic, you ignoramus.

Boys, boys. Don't get so rattled.

After all, exam results aren't everything. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

You just put us on the beat, sergeant. We'll

show the school instructors a thing or two.

That's the spirit. Now the first thing you...

Sergeant, jewellery-shop robbery off the main

street. Subjects picked up outside our area.

Yes lovely. Get on with it.

Sergeant, when apprehended, they were in hysterics.

Psychopaths. Fascinating.

Nutcases. Very sad. When you...

No sergeant, they was laughing because

they thought it was worth a stretch...

To be helped into their car not 20

yards from the crime by a constable.

A posh talking fellow with a little moustache.

What'd I tell you. Nutcases. There's no constable

answering to that description stationed...

The wall-eyed man.

What wall-eyed man?

An omen, I knew it was an omen.

Mark my words, Jupiter's behind all this.

Jupiter?

Jupken

- now are you convinced? - No, I'm not.

If you think the sight of a cock-eyed pedestrian

can possibly make Potter any more congenitally stupid

than he already is. You're very much mistaken.

Benson, step outside.

Yeah, step outside. Delighted.

Just a minute, just a minute. Look here.

Hello.

Hello, gorse.

Sorry I'm late sergeant, but I just couldn't leave home without

bringing something bright and gay

for the poor indisposed constables.

So it was off to my greenhouse, and with a little

snip here, a little snip there... snip, snip

and here we are with my love.

Oh, what have I said? With my very best floral greetings.

Thank you, gorse. Here, do something with those.

Now then, since you weren't strictly on duty at

the time of the crime, we'll forget about it.

A crime? Goody. Where?

Well you see, I was going down the road...

I think we forget about it. I want

you to meet special constable gorse.

Benson. How do you do?

Him.

How do you do?

Potter. How do you do? And how do you do?

And now you shall all meet Bobby, my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he the quaintest thing? I just couldn't leave him behind.

Yes well, gorse will be working full time with us

as from today, on account of this flu trouble.

You'll all sleep together.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Harfison.

Yes, sergeant.

Show these constables to their quarters, please.

Certainly. This way.

With you, anywhere.

Flu or no flu, I take it we get some

time off, policewoman Harrison.

How do you like to spend it? Cinema, dancing, or just talking?

Ooh.

A dog. Symbol of pluto.

The darkest, most evil planet of them all.

Oh, crikey.

Oh, dry up. What's that animal doing here?

She's a police dog, of course. Her handler's off with flu.

Why wasn't that dog tied up in his kennel?

What you been noshing, aniseed balls?

Don't tell her off, sergeant. She's very

affectionate. I think she's taken to me.

Harrison, get these men out of here.

Yes, sergeant.

Come on, lady, this way. Lady, this way.

Lady.

Sergeant wilk...

When you can spare a moment.

It'd be rather fun to spend our off

time together, policewoman Harrison?

We might get better acquainted, hey policewoman Harrison.

I can't keep calling you that, it's such a mouthful.

What do your friends call you?

Policewoman Harrison.

Oh that's a nice name. My name's Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.

This is it.

This is our accommodation?

All that's available. The men are off sick are in their rooms.

I don't like it. There's an old saying, it says...

Spend your first night in a strange bed below ground level...

And bad luck will haunt you straight from the devil.

There are the keys. Sort yourselves out

and report back to sergeant Wilkins.

Yes, sir. Bless you.

Policewoman Harrison.

Yes, what is it? I'm busy.

Not too busy to get acquainted, I hope?

I'll think about it.

Don't take too long.

I say chaps, I think I'm going to like it here.

Like it here. How can you say that, Potter?

With all the omens stacked up against us

like a wall of doom. I've warned you...

Yes, yes, we know. When Mars is in conjunction with uranus

it's gonna be a bumpy night. Come on.

I never said that.

You sent for us, sergeant.

And here we are.

Keen, aren't you? Rather.

Right, we'll put you to work right away.

Gorse, you patrol area five, till relieved.

Benson, I've got something special for you.

Sergeant, on my first day, too.

This way.

Willy.

Willy.

Police.

Oh.

Police. Police.

Dull coppers.

Get out of my way, you fool, I want a policeman.

Madam, I am a policeman.

So you are. Oh, thank heavens. What a blessed release.

It's my little boy, officer, he's gone. Find my little Willy.

Madam. Panic not. I must have your full particulars.

Oh, hurry up then, do. Have pity on a mother's agony.

Madam, I assure you I shall have him back

here before you can say Jack Robinson...

Where you been. You perishing little

stop-out. Giving me a turn like that.

I'll skin you alive. Madam, you've no...

You shut up and buzz off and mind your own business, bluebottle.

I'll tell your dad. He won't half have your guts.

I say, madam, wait.

Lady.

Heel, lady, heel. Heel.

Lady, wait.

Lady, wait. Lady, come back.

Lady. Lady.

Lady.

Oh.

Oh, where's the doggy gone?

Confound the creature. I've done myself an injury.

I nearly broke my neck.

- Have you studied it? - Ok yes.

All right, first question.

Ready? Right.

What's the shortest route between waverly

square and the south end of the high street?

I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself.

Let's be serious, shall we?

Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh sometimes, or even smile?

Life's a serious business my friend.

The powerful forces of destiny...

If only you knew the world's most powerful

force is the sparkle in a popsy's eyes.

Oh please. Let's study our routes.

I'm only interested in one. The route

to policewoman Harrison's heart.

Yes. Thank you, goodbye.

Wpc passworthy, sergeant. Reporting

on temporary attachment.

Oh.

As a connoisseur of police personalities,

let me state that I have never before

been arrested with such charm. Never.

I salute her.

You mean you arrested mrs may on your way here?

I wasn't yet on station strength,

sergeant, I know, but I was in uniform.

I was called to the public house, the coach

and horses by a barman with a bleeding head.

Yes well, I can imagine the circumstances.

Mrs may is a regular customer of ours.

Oh, charming. You're all so charming.

Ok, passworthy, you did well. Good start. I'll charge her.

Usual? Drunk?

And disorderly.

Take her to the cells, they're just...

I can find my own way, thank you sergeant.

Ah, you see. You watch out, sergeant. She'll

have your job from you within the week.

Bye now.

I usually have that nice cell with the

southern exposure, policewoman passworthy.

My dear girl, for you to trouble to take me

any further. I know my way perfectly well.

No trouble, mrs may, it's my job.

Aha-ha. Me old friend, number five.

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself at this time of day.

If you're referring to the fact that I had

eight or nine brandies to help my digestion...

And also to the fact that that crude fellow of

a barman insulted me by asking me to leave.

Well all I can say is that I did what

any lady would do in the circumstances.

I hit him on the head with a siphon soda.

Well, just settle down and behave yourself, mrs may. Sleep it off.

I don't like your tone, my girl, I don't like it at all.

I'm going to write to my close friend, the home

secretary about you. Overwrought I may be.

To hear you go on, anyone would think

I was seeing things. Not nice.

Heavens, I'm seeing things.

Look, in that cell, policemen.

Now, mrs may, I can see them, too.

Who heard of policemen in a cell? Fetch a doctor from Harley street.

No, keep away. I swear I'll never touch another

drop as long as I live. I swear, never.

Come back here, mrs may. Look, see, they're real policemen.

I Grant you they may not look it, but...

Do you mind?

Oh, it speaks.

Please, mrs may.

How do you do mrs may? My name's Potter.

No, not one of the Hertfordshire Potters?

Oh yes, I'm the youngest son, Thomas.

My dear boy, how delightful. I came out with your mother.

Did you? You never told me your mum had been inside.

Now look, if I can do anything to help both of you

in your career, I should be only too delighted

because I'm a close personal friend of the home secretary...

And I... we know.

But you're also very tired.

You'd better get a kip, madam.

Kip? Oh, kip.

Yes, well, perhaps I will. Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.

Policewoman passworthy. I say, when's

policewoman Harrison next off duty?

Right now. She's off with flu. I'm her replacement.

Oh, what a shame. Poor old Harrison.

Still, life must go on I suppose. I hate going

to the flicks on my own. Would you care to...?

I am here to work. This is my first

assignment since training school

and I intend to work and work and work.

I hope that's clear.

Now I suggest that you get on with

whatever you're supposed to be doing.

Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm familiarising myself with the...

Prominent points around here.

She's beautiful.

Policewoman passworthy. Beautiful.

Nicely stacked. Passworthy, interesting name.

Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You know, she's too regimental, too...

Charlie, you mean you?

You've seen the old sparkle at last? Oh

congratulations, I never thought I'd see the day.

Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.

What? You don't understand.

You see, I can't.

Of course you can. There's always the first time.

No, no, no. I can't. I've got to be very careful with girls.

Who hasn't?

There you go, taking the Mickey. I knew you would...

No, I'm not honestly, Charlie, honestly. What's your problem?

You won't take the Mickey?

Those boys. Those dear boys.

Thank you for being so real.

You were saying. Ssh.

Not now. Let her sleep.

I suppose that dog will find its way back all right?

Oh yes. Lady's absolutely marvellous.

Not the adjective I'd have chosen. However.

You know the local regular police staff quite well I take it?

Yes, I do. A fine body of men.

By which you mean they're mentally constipated I suppose?

Why do you say that?

Because criminology is in its infancy and

infantile minds are in charge of it.

Really? Yes, really.

What is the true function of a policeman on his beat?

Erm... to catch criminals.

No, to prevent crime.

Easy to say.

Easy to do if you know how. If you study.

Study what? Physiognomy.

I'm not altogether with you.

Neither were the instructors at the school.

There are signs you see, in the

face. If you know what to look for.

I can tell at a glance if a man is of criminal inclination.

Good heavens, how very useful. Useful.

Don't you realise that if all that stuff

we were taught at the school was scrapped,

if every constable was taught forensic physiognomy,

it'd revolutionise police practise.

That's what I'm interested in.

Not a lot of hide-bound tripe and taking dogs for walks.

We're stuck with all this old-fashioned muck.

I'm most terribly sorry officer. I do beg your

pardon. I was thinking of something else.

Yes, that's quite all right, sir.

Go on, then, do it on him.

What ever do you mean?

You know. Physi-what-you-ma-call-it.

Do it on that man.

On him? He's as honest as the day is long.

I say. Can you really tell that quickly as that?

Yes, at a glance. Of course, one has

to study. It means years of research.

But then as I say, the signs always show in a criminal's face.

Turned rather chilly all of a sudden, hasn't it?

Do you think you've got flu?

That man. He pinched my braces.

Morning, Bobby. Ready for brekkers? Uncle's coming.

Ow.

Naughty rude, quiet... Naughty rude Bobby.

Laughing because poor uncle Timothy

hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.

Wa key, wa key.

Rise and shine.

Up and out.

Must you make that flaming row?

Restrain yourself.

I know someone who didn't get out of the right side of their bed.

All ready, then? Come on, turn it on.

Oh, I'm frightfully sorry, I remember now.

It only comes on hot at certain times.

You maniac.

We'll all catch... flu.

Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, really.

Disgraceful. One of the Hertfordshire

Potters. It's utterly disgraceful.

Well you did ask for a cell with a southern exposure.

No time like the present, Charlie.

Go to it. Remember, delay is fatal.

Hello there.

Good morning, constable constable.

My name's Charlie. Charles, actually

it's against regulations for us to be as familiar as that.

Didn't you learn anything at your training school?

Yes, I did policewoman passworthy. I

learned what constitutes an obstruction,

parking regulations, rules of evidence.

I came out top with me truncheon.

Well that's a great comfort to us all, I'm sure.

Please, policewoman passworthy, what's your birthday?

My what? Your birthday. I must know. It's vital to me.

You see I can't take a single step until...

You take a few steps over to inspection and don't be so silly.

No, please, tell me. You don't understand,

I can't do a thing before I...

Here comes the sergeant. Go away.

Oh, dear.

Good morning, sergeant.

Good morning.

I notice sergeant that I'm not down for a patrol today.

I'm glad to know you're so keen, passworthy,

but you really must have a better knowledge of the district, first.

Pick up a map and study it.

Yes, sergeant.

Any luck?

I should never have tried. My tea

leaves at breakfast were all clotted.

You better call in at mrs bottomley at number 24.

She's complaining about suspicious

activities in the rear of her premises.

Yes, sergeant.

- You're late, constable. - Yes sergeant.

Why?

We had a bit of trouble with the shower.

Looks like I'm going to have a bit of

trouble with the shower too, doesn't it?

Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty.

Quiet, gorse. No more talking now.

All present and correct, sir. Show your appointments.

Excuse me, sir.

Constable Benson, sir.

Well what is it?

In the absence of the station dog handler yesterday sir,

I took the animal, "lady" walking, sir.

What, on a job? Routine, sir.

Oh, just for a walkies. What about it?

I wish to protest at being sent out with a brute that far

seems to me, barely advanced from the wolf pack.

Sergeant, don't send him out again with lady.

No, sir. Thank you, sir.

- Can't have lady upset. - No, sir.

Why is your uniform Tor, gorse?

I fell down a flight of stairs, sir.

How? Quick.

Yes indeed sir, very quick. I was on a scooter.

On a scooter? Why wasn't I told about this?

The facts, gorse. I was proceeding easterly direction...

And that insane canine misfit was

proceeding in a westerly direction.

Quiet, Benson. Quiet, Wilkins.

You were there?

Was I not. We were both nearly killed weren't we.

It's all the fault of that stupid bitch.

What there was a third party involved?

No, no, sir. Lady.

Lady?

The dog, sir. She's a bitch, isn't she sir.

Lady dog's a bitch. Well I know that, don't I.

- Yes, sir. - Good gracious.

We're all nattering here like a lot old women.

Let's have some discipline in this place.

Yes, sir.

How do you do, sir?

How do you...?

Constable Potter, sir.

I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I.

I don't think so, sir. I couldn't forget your face.

What do you mean? Well I mean, you have such an arresting face, sir.

Oh, very swift, an arresting face. You merry quipper, you.

Gorse.

Where have I seen you before?

Perhaps you met him in a previous existence, sir.

Who's this lot?

Constable, sir.

Constable who?

Constable, sir.

I know, I said constable who?

Constable constable, sir.

That's unusual, isn't it?

Yes ', sii' ' ', isn't it?

Explain yourself constable constable.

Reincarnation, sir.

Reincarnation, sir. It accounts for

some of our more uncanny experiences.

- Get away. - Yes.

If you cooperate with me, sir,

I think could uncover where it was that you

and Potter met in a previous life, sir.

Utter nonsense.

No sir, please. Close your eyes and relax.

Certainly not.

Please, sir. Yes. They're very

strong, your heredity thought waves.

I can see a pond. A beautiful, artificial pond in a garden, sir.

Any fish?

The fountains are playing.

I said any fish?

No, no fish.

Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you and Potter. You're in the garden.

You're centurions together, sir. 2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.

Wait a minute. I can see the vestal virgins.

Ah, they've gone indoors.

I've never heard such poppycock in all me life.

Please, sir, don't make another heredity wave.

Please. Let's try it again, we're very near. Shut your eyes, sir...

You shut your trap. I've had enough of this. And

I remember where I've seen you before, too.

You're a society playboy, lothario.

One of the siphon-squirters and waiter-debaggers of this world.

Happy days, sir?

Happy days. You lot won't know what's hit you soon.

Horrible, disgusting.

I don't want trouble, you can't afford trouble, right?

Right, sir.

Right.

You four, do you know your routes?

Yes, sergeant. Well, concentrate on them, and on nothing else.

This is a police patrol, not a protest march against crufts,

a scooter demonstration,

boat-race night,

or a reincarnation seance.

It's just a routine police patrol.

Yes, sergeant.

Just stay here, you lot, and remember, you're still on parade.

Well, why don't you ask me how it went.

All right, how did it go?

Do me a favour, tell thurston to meet

me at the last patrol point in a car.

Anything to help. And my voices tell me you do need help.

Potty-poos.

Potty-poos. Potty-darling.

Honoria, old thing.

Haven't seen you since fruity fotheringill's

pyjama party. I say, what are you doing here?

What is this, a rag?

Oh, rather not, I'm in the force.

Potter the copper. What fun.

I'd like you to meet my new chums.

Timothy gorse, Charlie, Stanley Benson, sergeant Wilkins.

Sweet, just sweet, all of you. Especially wilky-poos.

I'm terribly sorry, sergeant, I...

Have I done something madly illegal?

Oh, no miss, you're just obstructing the police

in the execution of their duty, that's all.

It's my fault, sergeant.

Oh, don't blame dear potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.

You will forgive me, won't you? Everybody does, you know.

Bye-bye, potty-poodles.

It's entirely my fault, sergeant. I shouldn't...

Back to work, potty-poos.

Gorse, you still there?

Why? Your beat starts here.

Does it? Oh, so it does. Thank you.

I know, I know, this is where I get off.

Good morning, madam, can I help you at all?

Well, I certainly need a copper and that's a fact.

You're my first customer this

morning, madam. Have this one on me.

Oh, ta.

By jove. A simian amorist with paralysed conscience.

Don't do it, my friend.

Don't do what? You know what.

I don't know what.

Pause, consider. If you can resist

the temptation to steal that car...

It'll be easier for you to overcome

the urge to Rob that post office.

You'll need skilled help of course.

To do the robbery?

No, to recover from your sickness.

You think I'm ill?

I know you are. Desperately ill. Crime is an illness.

Its symptoms show in the face.

What you need is understanding help to recover from it.

Come to me. Anytime. Even when the temptation seems overwhelming.

Ask for me at the station. My name's Benson, constable Benson.

My name's liddell.

Liddell.

Detective sergeant liddell. Cid.

Not a very good start to your reform.

No fantasies now. You know as well as I do, no police officer

would behave so suspiciously, coming out of the post office.

Oh, he might you know, if he'd just drawn a few

pounds to buy his wife a surprise present.

And he didn't want to bump in to her, knowing full

well she was in the area shopping at the time.

Huh, ingenious. You're a card.

I'm not, but... this is.

Oh clear. But you looked such a standard criminal type.

Oh, don't be misled by appearances. I'm

not. After all, you look quite sensible.

Thank you.

Charming.

What's up, sergeant?

Thurston, what would you do if you wanted to make

sure that patrol was keeping an eye on the district?

I'd keep an eye on that patrol.

Get cracking.

Help. Stop. Look out, he's got a gun.

- Stand back, Ursula. - Help.

- Ursula, stand back. - Help.

Thir... thirteen.

Help. Stop.

You vicious swine.

He's insane alistair. Don't hurt him, I...

Follow me.

Oh, you fool.

Alistair, you've killed him.

Here, what do you think you're doing?

Well I heard a... I thought I heard...

What's going on here?

I thought I heard a murder, sergeant.

It was only the radio.

That excerpt was from tonight's play in the home service.

Do you want to make a complaint, miss?

No, he was only doing what he thought was right.

Thank you very much, miss.

Does it hurt?

Not at all, sergeant.

Get back on the beat.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, miss.

Thank you, sergeant.

Thank you, miss.

Want to cross the road, ma?

Very heavy load, yes.

I see. Well, never mind.

Wait.

That's all right mother. You're all right with me.

What do you want with me key? I ain't done nothing.

Now.

What you doing?

All right, all right, don't worry, all in a day's work.

There we are. That's all right isn't it.

You half-baked twit, you.

Madame, please, I'm trying...

I was trying to help you.

Madame, I'm trying to help you.

Help. What's going on here?

Speak up, speak up, me battery's running out.

Not a second before time, the ungrateful virago

what happened, madam?

He forced me to over here, when I'd

taken ten minutes to get to over there.

All of a sudden, he grabbed me behind and...

Ooh, I did not.

You lying old witch.

Can't hear ya'. Don't interrupt.

That's enough of that. Do you want to make a complaint?

What do you mean it ain't? I tell you, it's

the gospel truth. He grabbed me behind as...

Sergeant, I assure you I did not.

Benson, I don't care where you grabbed her. The

point is, she didn't want to be grabbed anywhere.

Now get those crumbs off, and get back on your patrol.

- Yes, sergeant. - And remember in future...

Helping old ladies across the street

should be left to the boy scouts.

Kindly don't sneer at that fine organisation. I was a rover.

Well rove.

Police station. Calmly and clearly, madam, please.

Miss horton. Yes, you're speaking from?

33. Three, three, Nathaniel road.

Intruder next door. Do you mean 31 or 35?

Three, five.

Telephone number? 4573.

Thank you madam, we'll send a car immedi... what?

I said that's all right, I've just seen a policeman outside.

Sergeant.

Nathaniel road.

Calling car four, calling car four.

Constable Potter investigating report

of intruder. 35 Nathaniel road.

Over to Nathaniel road, thanks. Right, thurston, move.

Psst. Mr and mrs Barry, 35. They're in

Canada seeing their first grandchild.

Their daughter Sally, she's in

cornwall visiting her fiancé's family.

The house should be empty, but just

now, I heard somebody moving about.

I see, thanks.

Well, go in and get him.

I'd sooner wait till he comes out.

Better still. Catch him in the act. The

Barrys left them with me. Fortunate, ay.

Back way, over the garden fence.

Well, supposing he's armed?

Well, if I hear a shot, I'll ring the station. Ten-four.

What's happened? Nothing.

It's Eric. An accident.

Hello, I'm a police... officer.

Come on thurston, faster. Potter may be struggling

for his life with some murderous tearaway.

If only Eric was as considerate as you

are, constable. What's your name?

Just call me Tom. Tell me all about it.

Well, last night Eric and I were talking about furniture.

I want contemporary things and he doesn't

we had a terrible row. He said he wasn't

going to have chairs like toadstools.

So I said if he's going to exaggerate,

there wasn't much point in talking.

So he said perhaps we aught never to talk to each other again.

Whereupon I said that suits me fine, threw his

ring back and got here at 3.00 this morning and...

Oh, Tom, we haven't even got a flat.

Oh, is that all. It's just a little lovers' tiff.

Tiff? It's finished. I'm never going to see him again.

Of course you will. There, there, there,

there. Now, listen, it's quite simple.

You and Eric are both tense about

getting married, you can't wait for it.

What do you mean?

Well, I... er... you know.

Don't you see? At present, you're both a bundle of nerves.

Naturally you're going to fly off the handle at the slightest thing.

But believe me, once you're married.

We'll not be married now. It's all spoiled. Finished.

Of course it isn't. You phone him, say you're sorry. Cry a little.

Now, wait.

Trust your uncle Tom.

He'll come running, you'll see.

Oh, just imagine that moment, Sally. The bliss of the reunion.

How can any man resist your lovely innocent eyes, your...

Your yearning look. A man's heart must melt.

Come on. That boy's in danger.

Sally.

- Oh, Tom. - Potter.

Oh, hello, sergeant. How nice of you to drop in.

I don't need help with this little case you know.

Run along and phone now, Sally.

Well, better get back on the old beat, I s'pose.

Put it on.

Help. Help. Oh, help.

I say constable, I know you'll think I'm an

awfully silly girl, but I've lost my pussy.

The name's fluff

oh, I'm sorry, miss fluff.

That's the cat's name.

The cat's name? So sorry, silly me.

When did you last see fluff?

Oh, only a moment ago, I was bringing him back from the vet.

The catch on the basket must have been loose and he jumped out.

In here, up there.

I see, madam. Just leave everything to me.

I just couldn't get up there, in

this skirt. Oh look, do be careful.

Don't be alarmed, madam.

Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff, where's the naughty pussycat?

Fluff? Ah, there you are.

Oh, naughty ill-mannered pussy. Not to spit at

uncle Timothy. Now don't go away. Stay there.

Fluff, don't go up there come down.

Fluff. Fluff. Come down. Fluff. Oh, you

naughty pussy. Where are you now? Fluff.

Fluff, fluff, fluff. Ah, there you are.

Now, how am I going to get you down?

I know this'll frighten you. Now.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

There's a good fluff.

Help. Help.

Oh, my goodness.

Help.

Stop, stop. Oh, stop. Stop, stop.

What is it, madam?

A policeman. I think he just shot to the top of the tower.

Was he wearing glasses?

- Yes. - Thank you madam. Here we go.

Help.

Call these reports? I've never seen anything like 'em in me life.

Look at this one. I thought I heard a murder.

Heard a murder, I ask you. You ever smelt a burglary?

Yes, sir I have, when a scent store got broke into.

Yes, all right, all right.

You could smell it up the street.

She looked as if she was thinking of crossing the road.

How do you know what anyone's thinking?

Might have been thinking of buying a pair of thicker knickers.

I pulled the rope and flew into the air, like Peter Pan.

You mean Peter Pan's great aunt, don't you?

The young lady was in the bath.

You were looking through the keyhole, I suppose?

Oh no sir, the door wasn't locked.

Well what have you got to say for yourselves, anything?

Yes sir, I want a transfer.

Do you really. To Scotland yard, I presume?

Yes, I joined the force to prevent crime,

not to be assaulted by demented old women.

My speciality is forensic physiognomy,

and I feel my proper place is in the photographic

records department of Scotland yard.

Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.

Please, don't mention loaves to me.

Benson, please.

It's all very well for you, mate. Let me

tell you something. I was boshed o...

Might I be permitted to say a word at this juncture?

Of course, sir.

When I was a young constable, we were

fined for being one minute late. Right?

Right sir.

We weren't allowed to go to our own

front doors in our shirtsleeves. Right?

Right sir.

Seems immaterial to me, how you answer the front door,

as long as you're capable of doing your job properly.

Benson.

I'll handle this thank you, Wilkins.

I've been watching you and listening to you

very carefully, Benson, and you have a future.

Thank you, sir.

Selling lace table mats.

But regarding your ability as a policeman...

I personally wouldn't send you down

to the corner of the street for me,

to buy a bag of aniseed balls.

You stupid constable. Do I make myself clear?

Crystal. Pardon?

No one could accuse you of not being explicit, sir.

Thank you.

However, your misreading of my

potential is sublime in its totality.

Get them out of here, Wilkins. Get 'em out.

Right, sir. All right, dismissed.

Straighten yourselves out there.

Sergeant, huh. You stand there like a dummy.

You're unable to control this rabble.

I thought you said you could handle them, sir.

The sooner you're transferred sergeant

Wilkins, the better for all concerned.

Yes sir. Now don't you honestly think that us old-timers

ought to have a little more Patience with these youngsters?

Gaw. When I joined my first station at sidcup north...

Here we go again.

We had a sergeant there, he didn't stop to enquire

whether we were greenhorns or old sweats.

We had to be on the ball the whole time.

I've seen some of the young lads there sobbing

their hearts out there in the wash house.

Least I think that's what they were doing.

Sergeant Wilkins.

I'm sorry.

And as for that inspector, he was a

holy terror. I remember him saying...

Roll on my pension.

Going on patrol, sergeant.

Right, passworthy.

Why aren't you typing?

My fingers hurt. Can I do something else?

I don't know. Can you?

Come in.

Oh, you.

Yes, sir. Sergeant Wilkins sent me sir. Said you wanted a constable.

So I did, and look what I've got.

Shall I go then sir?

Ye... no, look, I've got a very complex

coordinated report to make out here

and I need some assistance. My secretary's off.

Flu?

No, having a baby.

Makes a change.

Well not for her. It's her fourth.

Oh, honestly sir. Some of these girls

you've only got to sneeze at them.

Look, you didn't come here to talk about my secretary.

You're a distracting personality, Potter.

Sorry, sir.

Well you will be if you don't concentrate

yes, sir.

What do I have to concentrate on, sir?

Yes, well I've finished with those. Burn 'em.

Sir.

Potter. What?

Not those. But you told me to, sir.

They're my consolidated notes. Oh Potter, I'm on fire.

No you're not sir, but...

You're jolly nearly. Jolly lucky escape, this.

The carpet. Get the water. Don't panic.

Stand clear, sir.

Potter.

Morning, officer.

Yes, sir?

Reporting.

What for?

For myself.

Why? The terms of my release.

From prison? How exciting, I've never met a real criminal before.

Who do you think you're calling a criminal?

Just a minute. Ah, bone structure. I can tell

you're going straight. I'm sure of that.

There are signs, you know.

You'd er... trust me?

Unhesitatingly. With my life.

Constable, you don't know what it feels like to be trusted again.

To meet someone like you, could make

all the difference in the world to me.

I know, that's my entire purpose. My whole point.

I want to help, not persecute and punish. Now if...

Exactly. Well, er... take my case.

My father's estate is worth £492,000.

By rights, it's mine. Yet our family solicitor,

who's never liked me, has had it tied up in chancery for years.

Now, if I could only get hold of £50 for legal expenses,

I'd be able to make a case of it.

£50. That's all that stands between me and my inheritance.

£50. I've got just that in the post office.

Earning 2.5%?

If you lend it to me, I could give you

5,000 when I win the case, that's 500%.

Oh, far too generous. I'd feel I was taking advantage of you.

Believe me, you're not. Is it a deal?

Done.

You're being done all right Benson.

Meet Herbert hall, the craftiest

confidence trickster outside the knick.

Sorry son, I wouldn't have taken your money.

But somehow I couldn't resist you. You're such a born mug.

It's written all over you. There are

signs, you know, bone structure.

What a nerve. Coming in here and trying

a thing like that on me, a policeman.

Policeman. Look son, you haven't got

the taste of the chin strap yet.

There we are. That's a good job done.

I certainly feel like a cup of char now.

I'm sure you do, but you're not through yet

oh, no. All them hours bashing away

and the carbon's the wrong way round.

Thanks, wilkie. Thank goodness mills has gone off this afternoon.

What do you mean this afternoon? He's been off for months.

How's that passworthy girl shaping?

She's shaped.

A weights and measures, a road safety and a

breach of the peace, all on her first patrol.

When's she bringing in Jack the ripper?

Strange that the only efficient rookie's a woman.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. Potter's on

a job right now that must go right.

I mean after all the landed gentry,

they're all good with dogs.

Oh, heel, heel, heel. Good dog, good dog, good dog.

I'm frightfully sor... sir.

Let me help you out. Ah.

Me, who hasn't had a cold for 23 years,

Wilkins. Now go and get Potter, I'm going to...

Now calm down sir. You'll only send your

temperature up and you'll feel worse

there you go again Wilkins.

Protecting these incompetent nincompoops

from the consequences of their own...

Now leave it to me sir. I'll tell him off.

Why don't you take a few days sick leave?

And what would happen to this station, without me?

I'd rather not say, sir.

I will not have them go out unless they're accompanied,

by someone compos mentis to go with them.

Even though we're understaffed, sir?

Those are my orders, Wilkins. You always want to argue.

What a stinker I've got. What about Potter, has he got a...?

No, sir, not a sniff.

The injustice of it.

Why don't you look on the bright side, sir.

You know, you think of all the times

you've torn a strip off certain constables

and said they couldn't even catch a cold.

Now you could say that to Potter and be right. For the first time.

Morning, constable.

Good morning, sergeant moon.

Let's not beat about the bush.

All right.

You're in love with passworthy, yes or no?

Supposing I am, what's it to do with you?

I'm concerned with the efficiency of the force.

You in a daze, her wondering why you're in a daze

means two units of personnel at less than maximum efficiency.

The sooner you two get sorted out the better for the force. Right?

Right.

Well then, do something about it.

I can't till I know whether she's a Virgo.

I beg your pardon?

Astrology. You see my horoscope says

I stand my best chance of romantic happiness with a Virgo subject.

So I've got to know her birthday. I can't

make a move. It's vital, it's significant.

It's here.

Would you like me to look it up?

Passworthy, Gloria.

Gloria.

Date of birth. August the 24th.

Virgo.

Ooh, Gloria.

I'm so happy to be out on patrol with you.

Oh, do stop that. It's not good for a police

officer to be seen chortling on patrol.

Quite right. Must be more dignified.

Ho, ho.

What is the matter with you?

I can't help it, I'm happy.

I'm about to become an efficient unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...

Constable, kindly address me properly

and... don't look at me like that.

Right, policewoman passworthy.

But listen to me. You've got to listen to me.

I'm happy and I want to make you happy too, my dear... policewoman.

I love you, policewoman passworthy. I'm crazy about you.

I couldn't tell you because of the stars, policewoman, my sweetheart.

The stars, you see. Instinct can be

misleading, but the stars, never.

And they say that it's all right, policewoman passworthy.

Oh, do return my love, policewoman passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh.

Kindly get that vehicle off the road, madam.

Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed up with being cooped up like this.

Treating us like children. It's humiliating.

We're not allowed out on our own today,

inspector's orders, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Oh yes there is. We can show that inspector

he couldn't even inspect gas metres.

Absolutely splendid, but how?

Come with me, out the back way.

We daren't.

Dare nothing, achieve nothing. You with me?

Yes, Benson. Come on, then.

Right.

Do you say this is the department where

most of the trouble occurs? Isn't it?

Dreadful. What with our being so busy now,

and so many of our assistants away with flu.

Ideal conditions for shoplifting, in fact.

And for observation too.

Yes, exactly. Just leave this to us, sir.

Gladly, but excuse me I hardly think anyone's likely

to steal something while two policemen marching about.

Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought of that. Had you, Benson?

Yes... yes of course I have.

We shall require, sir, just a little help from you.

Get out of the way.

Do you know, I haven't done this since

I was in the army, at a camp concert.

This is no laughing matter, gorse.

I say, you mustn't call me that. Not when we're on special duty.

Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.

Thank you and I shall call you... now let me see...

Call me Ethel. It was my grandma's name.

If grandmama could see you now, she'd be so proud.

Well, to work, to work.

Are you ready, Agatha?

If you are, Ethel.

Let's go.

Do you have to keep your glasses on?

Why? You don't look pretty enough.

Well really. You're no brigitte bardot either.

There's no need to shout.

And there's no need to make personal remarks.

I beg your pardon, Agatha.

Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.

Can I help you, ladies?

Young girl, we are not ladies, we are policemen.

Special investigation. Carry on working as usual.

Alice, the manager, quick. Gone out? Well, all right, get anyone.

Sir? There are a couple of loonies up here.

Pretend to look at these. Look at her, that's

criminal type if ever I saw one. Watch.

Did you see that? Can I tell at a glance or can I not?

The brazen hussy. Let's apprehend her.

No, wait.

To make a shoplifting charge stick, you must

challenge the suspect outside the store.

But of course. Come on, then.

Hello. Hello sir, they're leaving.

Just a moment, madam.

Show us your girdle.

I beg your pardon?

Did you deny that you took a girdle

from that store without paying?

Now, ladies, please.

Aha. The corpus delicti.

Name and address please, we're the police.

Prove it.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's a mistake. A dreadful mistake.

They all say that. Name?

I am the lady mayoress of this borough,

and I have an account at this store.

- A likely... - An account.

- These are the two. - I see.

- Now what's all the fuss about? - There's been a mistake.

Oh yes, they all say that. We call it stealing.

- Cripes. - Stealing.

Fetch the police.

Wait, you fool, we are the police.

Ask the manager. Hasn't he told you.

No he hasn't. He's gone out. You better come quietly.

Our uniforms, there in the ladies... changing room.

A likely story. Come along now.

Gorse, run for it.

Wait a moment.

Now Potter, you've got to try and pull yourself together.

Yes, sergeant.

Every single thing you've done up to now has been a mess.

- Yes, sergeant. - Hello, constable.

Hello, mrs may. Oh, jolly good show.

All due to you, dear boy.

Potter. Are you listening?

Yes, sergeant.

Well you're lucky you're not on report.

- Good morning. Hello. - Will you pay attention Potter

whatever you have been associated with has gone wrong.

- Yes, sergeant. - You've gotta watch it.

Hello.

Hello, miss Barry. Eric, I presume.

How do you do. I want to thank you.

Oh, not at all. Not at all.

We've got a flat.

- And we're buying furniture. - Contemporary.

Only if you want it, Eric.

I want what you want, darling.

In that case, name him Tom after me.

Well, almost everything you've touched

seems to have been screwed up. Come on.

I don't know how many times I've got to tell you...

And there I was. 17 yobs in that pub there were.

All standing round there, watching, waiting.

So I took off my duty armlet...

Yes, sergeant.

And I said "right, I'm off duty now."

"Anybody cares to come outside, I'll take you on, one at a time."

What happened sergeant?

They knocked my head off.

Let that be a lesson to you. Never take

your duty armlet off at the wrong time...

That Van shouldn't be there.

Obstruction?

Wages?

Can you drive? Rather.

After them.

Potter.

Did you get their number?

Afraid not.

Paper. Paper. Wage thieves get £100,000.

I'm putting you all on official report.

Have you got anything to say?

Yes, sir.

I didn't ask you, thank you sergeant.

If I had my way, I'd suspend the whole

lot of you from duty immediately.

Unfortunately, it's out of my hands.

It's got to come from higher up.

But I tell you what I will do.

I'll send you all out today in pairs, so

that you can watch each other's step.

And my report goes in sharp at 3 o'clock.

That's all, sergeant.

Dismissed.

And as for you, sergeant Wilkins, this is

the limit. I'm applying for your transfer.

Yes, sir. Now what about these boys.

They're only beginners, you know.

Still trying to protect them. Why? Now I want a

straight answer this time, and that's an order.

All right sir. I'll give you an answer.

I have been in the force a long time,

but I still remember the bloomers that I

made when I was also as green as grass.

What's that got to do with it?

It's got everything to do with it.

Sir.

Ah, what's the use?

I don't believe in wet-nursing them either,

but I do believe that we should

forget about the rule book sometimes,

particularly when it's an emergency like this.

And that, sir, is all.

And that, sergeant, is quite enough. Now if you

don't mind, I'll get on with writing my report.

Sir.

And you.

Don't worry, it may never happen.

It has happened, I'm on me way.

Oh, I'll miss you. You're a very fine colleague.

Thanks, Laura.

You've never called me that before.

I have, hundreds of times.

No you haven't.

You know something?

What? All of a sudden, I'm gonna' miss you, too.

Do you really mean that, frank?

Now you've never called me that before.

I've wanted to hundreds of times.

Well how about that. All this time I didn't

even know that you thought I was alive.

Ah, what's the use. In a couple of days,

he'll have me posted miles away to some

dead-and-alive hole helping cows across the village street.

It's a scandal. An officer of your experience being

sacrificed for the incompetence of that conniving little...

Oh, I asked for it. I can't complain, I've

had my say. I've had a run for me money.

But, frank...

So how's the roster going then? You still

trying to get a quart into a pint pot?

Something like that.

Let's see if we can work something out together.

All right. Let's do that.

Supposing we made a lot of arrests during the day.

Do you think we'd make old mills change his mind.

What mind?

Oh, Benson, we've got to do something, I need this job.

Motorists, I bet we could bag a dozen if we really tried.

That wouldn't help, Potter. We're for

it, and that's all there is to it.

Benson. Benson, old man, the car.

What car? You mean the thieves' car? How could you possibly know?

Yesterday you couldn't even describe it.

Dent on rear left mudguard. Suddenly, it all came back to me.

Potter, I beg you. This is a critical

moment in our careers. Are you sure?

Positive.

Right.

This doesn't prove anything, except they dumped it here.

Oh gosh, that's right. They must be

well away by now. Out of the country.

No, wait Potter. That's exactly what they want

us to believe. That they're out of the country.

The cunning bounders. What'll we do?

I've got it. I know exactly where those crooks are hiding out.

Benson, where?

Here, in this very area.

Of course, they want us to put out a nationwide

search, when all the time they're...

Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.

Brilliant. I have to hand it to you.

But we're not handing it to anyone else. Now listen, this is ours.

We need the kudos of capturing them by 3 o'clock.

Capturing them. Oh lord, if only we could.

You call the station. Only tell them about the car.

They'll have it towed to the yard for a lab test.

I'll get Charlie and gorse off the beat and we'll meet you back here.

- Roger. - Right

police station. Yes, Potter. Right.

They found the car in church road.

Sergeant, they've found the car.

Sir, they've found the car.

Then take it away from them, before

they smother it with fingerprints.

All right sarge, I'm on my way.

Police station. Can I help...

Right, now we can get cracking.

No we can't, don't be ridiculous.

We'll never find them, beside the omens are all against us.

Oh, shut up about your omens.

Gorse, have you thought of anywhere they might be hiding?

Why yes. There's a street not far from here.

It's full of tatty lodging houses, awful thoroughfare.

Well, what's it called?

Well it's known locally as the street of a thousand mouse-holes.

Follow me.

150 houses checked and not a sausage.

I told you this was a wild-goose chase, didn't I. The omens...

If you say one more word about the supernatural...

Now look here,

you cannot silence the voice of truth with

empty threats, Benson. I told you, all of you

that this assignment was doomed from the moment we arrived.

And now we're done. Done proper. Done crisp.

Halt and hush a moment. Look yonder. That house,

been empty for years. They're going to pull it down.

If it doesn't fall down first.

Gentlemen, look rather more closely. There.

It could be.

Oh, never. Somebody just backed in to turn around. That's all.

We've simply got to check on it.

I'm game. Come on then.

You and your mastermind. I told you

we was crazy to hide out here.

Tired of the stately home already, are you?

Then how about leaving. Very soon, in coppers' uniforms.

Ah.

Oh.

Yes, all right.

Really, do you have to? Ooh.

Beg pardon.

Help.

All right, boys, scrub the uniforms. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I've got him. I've got him.

Why you, come back here. Come back.

You fool.

Ridiculous. The whole thing's absurd.

Actually, the real turning point, was when I found

out that your birthday was August the 24th.

August? Whatever gave you that idea?

You... you mean that you're...?

Passworthy, switchboard.

Yes, sergeant.

Sergeant, you told me August the 24th.

Oh, well, does it make any difference?

Surely you're not that superstitious?

Superstitious?

Just one moment. Connecting you now, sir.

Hello.

Listen.

Oh hello, chief constable.

Hello mills. Well you've certainly shown you can inspire recruits.

Well thank you, sir.

So much so, I've decided to transfer you immediately,

to the area college in charge of morale and discipline.

I don't know what to say, sir.

Tell sergeant Wilkins to take over the station, will you mills.

Temporarily, sir, of course?

No, he's being promoted to inspector at once.

I'm so glad, sir. He's just the man for the job.

Goodbye, mills.

Goodbye, sir, and thank you.

I want everybody in here immediately,

I've got some news for you.

All right, line up behind thurston.

Attention.

What this station needs is a bit of

discipline. Right turn. Quick march.

Harfison.

Potter.

Oh, yes, sir.