Original subtitles

This program me contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

Oi! Mmm? Nic, look.

Come here.

SHE LAUGHS What?

I made you something.

I wrote "merry Xmas" in the snow.

THEY LAUGH

How did you do the X?

Well, thank you for asking. I did a line... Mm-hm.

...and I stopped mid-flow and I readjusted

and I finished the other line.

That's really great. Yeah? OK.

Where's this... train?

Oh, my God, there's a pound there.

I'm going to get you that pound. Do you want a pound? Oh, my God.

Don't! What are you doing? I'm getting you a pound! Don't!

Please! You'll get run... For Christmas! You'll get run over!

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're going to hurt yourself as well, you fucking...

HE BURPS Oh, God. Oh, bloody bhaji breath.

Train's here. Do you think?

HE SIGHS, SHE LAUGHS

Come back to mine and we can have a bath together.

What? That's so weird.

What?

I fucking love you.

SHE LAUGHS

BEEPING

I love you.

THEY LAUGH

Your coat's stuck in...! You need to get help!

THEY LAUGH

Can you pull it from your side? Oh, God.

I just... Can you open the...?

Door's not opening.

Push it.

Open the doors! Pull your coat! I'm trying! I...

TRAIN CLANKS Stop the fucking train!

Stop the train!

SHE SHRIEKS

HE YELLS

TV ON, GASPS

She is vile. A pig.

A pig, a big toxic pig.

She's just a narcissist.

Narcissist! Exactly that.

You know what I don't get is lip fillers.

Because you know when someone's had it done,

it's that sort of duck bottom.

You haven't seen Mr Meowgi? He hasn't touched his biscuit.

No. No.

Well, it's time to go.

One minute.

Mum! School! Gotta go to school. Two minutes.

Just let me watch the end of this. You know what?

Oh, my God.

That's so unfair.

Meow!

Come on, we're going to be late again!

Just looking for my glasses.

They're on your head, you doughnut! Ugh.

Yeah. Don't say the word doughnut,

you sound like a Love Island contestant.

Wait. No. Wait!

No. We're late.

Oh, God.

Bloody Lucy.

Bet you she doesn't offer us a lift. Don't, Mum. All right?

Don't! Yeah. We're late again.

Oh, no. Yeah.

We'll walk! All right, good luck! Bye!

I can't believe she didn't offer us a lift.

You don't like her anyway. I know I don't like her anyway, but...

...you know, I'd like a lift.

Do you think it's because I haven't signed up

to help with the hedgehog hunt?

I'm not going to make a potato salad for that. Mum?

Cow bag. Mum!

Please... let it go.

SHE SIGHS I can't. I can't let it go.

Oh, come on, Mum. I'm too cross.

Really, really, really rude. All right.

I had a dream last night.

She did offer us a lift, and I was so shocked,

and then I was trying to open the car door to get in,

and my fingers just turned into sort of like limp sausages.

And that is the curse. Deep in my psyche,

I know she wouldn't offer us a lift.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Good luck! Bye!

Come on, Mum.

You all right? Hey there. How was your drive?

Oh, lovely, thank you. Oh, lovely. Good for you.

Don't.

I know! I know, she's a pain.

Oh, are you having a problem with the gate?

It's Harry's first day, and I think I've deleted the email. 2-4-7-8.

Sorry, what? 2-4-7-8.

Pikachu!

♪ Gotta catch 'em all... ♪

Oh, my God. Amazing.

Thank you. No problem.

Ollie, please can you hand these out to everybody? Yes.

Otherwise it's just going to be Dennon that arrives,

and the girl with the nits. Um...

If they ask you why you were late, what are you going to say?

My legs hurts. Yes! Your legs hurt. Brilliant.

And... what else was I going to say? Oh, yes, I love you.

I love you. Whatever!

"I love you, too, Mum." "Do you really?"

"Yes, I really, really, really do."

TV: I just think you should know that he was seen last week

at the Argyle with a really hot girl.

Like, really hot.

What are you saying?

VEHICLE PULLS UP

Oh, fuck...

VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES

DOOR UNLOCKS

Oh, babe, I was just popping out.

Oh, my God. Are you all right? No.

What's wrong? Nic, I can't.

Nic, I can't. Viv, what's happened?

Viv, what's happened? Can I have a glass of water? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Look at that. Tell me what's happened.

Oh! Oh, God. Viv, you're scaring me. It was horrible.

Viv!

Viv.

Oh, God.

Viv, what happened?

I'm going to tell you!

I hit a pheasant.

And then what happened?

And its beak was like...

It was one of the worst experiences of my life.

Gosh. And I thought, "Oh, it'll get out the road.

"It'll get out the road now. Surely it'll get out the road."

And then I thought, "Oh, it's out the road."

But then it wasn't. No, no, it was out the road.

Oh, it was out the road. It was.

But then it went back in the road. Right.

Well, I mean, God has a plan for all of us.

Yeah, no, but, Nic, we've got to just... I've just got to...

Just please... Sorry, sorry. Yeah.

Just... We've got to do a little prayer. Oh, God. I can't...

I can't do... I've never done any... Just relax.

You've got a big, big spirit. I know you have.

Just anything that comes in your...

Pheasant, pheasant, er,

your death was unpleasant. Unpleasant.

Er, so sad you didn't know... Didn't...

...the Highway Code.

Maybe that would have helped you cross the road.

Yeah. But hopefully you can cross over to heaven.

I mean...

Yeah.

I-I feel...

I feel like... He's gone. Yeah, gone.

Wow, thank you. Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

But I'm running really late... Oh. ..to see a friend.

Oh, OK. Who?

Tony. Oh.

Oh, all right. It's just... I just...

So you're just g... What... So what shall I do?

I mean, the kitchen, if that's all right. Oh, OK.

Start off in there. OK.

And the sink could do with a bit of a bleach.

Right. OK. Thank you, Viv.

SHOUTING FROM VIDEO

SHE GASPS

Stop waving that around in my face like that.

Oh, my God, throw your wine at him.

Throw your wine at him, throw your wine at him.

SPLASH Yes!

Take that!

BLEEPING ON VIDEO

I will sue you... VIDEO STOPS

Oh, f... Oh, no!

That was the best bit.

Oh... bollocks.

Where the fuck's the cat gone?

Can't have gone out the gate, can he?

Did he eat his biscuits on Saturday?

He definitely came in for biscuits on Friday.

Oh, Christ knows.

Oh, she's still here.

Fuck.

SHE SIGHS

Stop the train!

SHE SCREAMS

WOMAN SCREAMS

Sorry.

Hello?

Sorry I'm late, I took the lads to the pub for lunch.

You all right, Dad? Hey!

BOTH: I feel the need - the need for speed.

You all right, mate? Yeah, I'm good. You OK? Yeah.

What's that? What? That?

Oh, er, Stuart spit wine on me over lunch. Idiot.

Just so annoying.

Any news on Mr Meowgi? Oh, God.

I put a post on Facebook, right,

and the only person that commented on it

was a random woman called Jackie Trinder.

You'll never guess what she said. What?

Just wrote "lol". That's helpful.

You know, I've lost my cat, I've got a distraught son,

I've got this 50-year-old woman trolling me.

It's extraordinary.

I have a horrible feeling he's got trapped in some fence somewhere

because he's such a fat fuck.

Have you tried just standing outside the back door

with an electric can-opener? No, thank you.

God, Lucy was really off with me today.

I thought you didn't like Lucy.

I don't like Lucy but I want her to like me.

Why? Possibly because I'm insecure and I've got no mates.

HE BURPS AND FARTS

I wasn't a dick at Helen and Rob's, was I?

I didn't get too pissed.

No, you were funny. I thought I was funny.

I was funny.

I was really, really funny.

I'm not watching this shit.

TV: ..5ml lining paper,

which will eradicate any sort of imperfections.

My husband's going to be back any minute.

Oh! He'll know that you're not just here to sort out the plumbing!

I can hear his key in the door.

Oh, I can hear him coming up the stairs.

Oh, God. He's on the landing. I can hear him on the landing.

Ah!

MUSIC SWELLS

THEY LAUGH

Agh! Cramp. Oh, God, sorry.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Are you all right?

Just stretch it. Stretch my foot out. Yeah, yeah.

Pull the toes back. OK. Yeah, yeah.

Agh! I thought you were coming.

No, I wasn't coming. No?

Oh! You're not doing it properly.

Sorry.

Agh! Fucking hell.

Do you want me to...?

No, you're all right.

Agh.

SPLASHING

SHE SIGHS

HE SNORES

SHE SIGHS

SNORING CONTINUES

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello.

Hello...

HE MUMBLES

No...

We sort of lucked out at this stall because nobody comes here.

Everyone just bombs the hook-a-duck stall. Thank God for that!

It's Jen, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, should have said. You're Nic?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ollie's mum?

Yes. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Thank you for that invite, by the way.

Harry was really pleased.

No, it's just the teacher always makes us hands one out

to every child in the class,

so actually thank Mrs Morgan, not me.

OK.

SHE PUFFS

So who have you met so far?

Oh, who have I met? Just Lucy, really.

Yeah, she's really nice, isn't she?

Yeah. She's really nice. Really, really nice.

Just general salt of the earth, nice... lady.

I actually thought she was a bit of a cunt, to be honest with you.

Yes, she is. Yeah. You agree?

Yes, I do. OK, good.

Because it's not fair.

Some of them must be... Some of them must be nice.

Well, I've been here five years.

I've not made one single friend with a mum.

As they say, these things take time

but you've had five years!

Although I did see... tombola, Helen.

Got invited to Helen and Rob's the other day. Right.

I just got really smashed, just to be able to deal with it. Yeah.

She made everybody sit down at the dinner table

and she did a quiz.

Do you know what one of the questions was? What?

What's the Latin for cat?

What's the Latin for cat?

Cattus. Cattus.

Then she asked us, what is the Latin for rat?

What is it? Rattus. Rattus.

And then she asked us, what's the Latin for bat?

Is it battus?

No, it's vespertilio. Oh.

Oh, wow. You're great.

I try.

Mum, can you please explain the rules

of Splat The Rat to Dennon?

Is it a real rat? Because I don't want to hurt any animals.

No. Why not?

Because it's just not.

What do I get if I splat it? A Maoam.

Can I just give you 20p and have the Maoam without splatting it?

No, you can't. You can't do that because that's cheating.

All right. I'm going to leave you with my mum. What? Yeah.

Ollie, where are you going? Don't leave us with him!

Carl Collins says I've got eyes like a shark.

If I give you a load of Maoams, will you bugger off and never come back?

Mm. Yeah.

Er, yeah.

Done. Good deal is done.

There we go.

Knock yourself out. Bye.

Right, now that I know you're not going to judge me...

Yeah.

...do you want some gin?

Oh, yes. I could kiss you.

Don't do that.

It'd make it weird.

Oh, well done!

Have you met Mr Graham yet? Who?

Mr Graham, PE teacher.

Christ, he's the PE teacher?

Yeah. He's a bit of me.

Yeah, he's a bit of me as well. I'm going to call him over.

Mr Graham! Don't.

Oh, hello. Ah!

Sorry.

How are you? How are you doing? All right. Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Sorry, I'm a little bit wet. Yeah. Aren't we all?!

Sorry. I don't know if we've met.

No, we haven't met. I'm Jen.

Oh, lovely to meet you, Jen. Nice to meet you, Mr Graham.

Yes, indeed. Yeah. Are you going to have a go?

Yeah, I'd love to have a go. What is this? Splat The Rat? Go on.

Nic, why don't you show Mr Graham how to, er...

Yeah, I will. Go on. Lots of skill on this.

So just swing.

Yeah. OK. Lovely.

God, you smell amazing. Is that Jean Paul Gaultier?

It is - you've got a good nose.

What are we you doing? What are we you doing? What are we you doing?

Splat The Rat!

You all right, Lucy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does the float need topping up?

No. Don't think so.

No? No. OK.

Well, I just spoke to Dennon's mum.

Did you give him sweets?

E-numbers?

I'm just saying he cannot have them

because they send him completely bonkers.

Oh, gosh! See what I mean.

It's pretty serious.

That wasn't us. We didn't do that.

Definitely not. Oh, no! I knew it wouldn't be you.

So then why did you ask us if we...?

Oh, by the way, I've spoken to Miss Moss

and the school are very happy for 20% of the proceeds

from today to go to Ollie.

Why?

For what?

I thought he might need...

Need what?

You know.

Equipment.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Um... OK. Well, if you need me, you know where I am, right?

I should probably...

You're going to go to hell.

Hello!

BOTH CHANT: We won some fish.

We won some fish.

We won a fish.

Hey, hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we... You go upstairs and I'll be up in a second, mate?

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

We won a fish.

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪

We won a fish.

Hey.

HE SOBS

It's OK.

Oh, my gosh.

Where did you find him?

Oh, that's amazing.

Probably the best thing is if I...

Oh, God! Sorry.

Can I call you back in two seconds?

Oh. Hello. Oh, my God!

Did you just walk into the wheelie bin? Yes, I did.

You just walked into the wheelie bin. Oh, God.

Quite embarrassing. Everyone's really nosy around here.

They'll definitely have watched you do that.

Love these hanging baskets. Thanks. Yeah.

Mine never... They always die.

Oh, it's just manure.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

You lost your cat? No, I did lose my cat.

Found him now. Oh, great.

I mean, it would be great, but I've printed off 50 of these.

50? Yeah. Didn't need that many, did you? No.

Well, we should celebrate. Yes.

What are you doing tonight? Nothing.

Shall I come over? Bring Harry?

Love that. Bring some wine?

Yes. You know, there's vibes.

Let's do it. Great. Love it. Yeah. Great. Yeah, you've found your cat.

This is turning out to be a bloody good day.

Oh, hi.

"Hey, honey, I'm home."

Oh!

Look, he's home! I could tell straight away.

Sorry. It's not...

It's not Mr Meowgi.

Thought he looked exactly like him.

Yeah. I mean, Mr Meowgi's a tabby

and this one's ginger. It's my fault.

I should have put a colour photograph.

Just put a black-and-white one. But, yeah, I can see...

But the markings are the same. Similar, yeah.

Did you have to come far?

Yeah. You did?

I walked two miles.

Two miles. Gosh. With a cat.

So what shall I do with it?

I... don't know.

Can I leave him here with you? I don't want it, do I?

CAT HISSES Oh. I'm just going to...

Agh! Agh!

You evil little...!

Agh!

CAT YOWLS

I'll call the police.

What? Why have you locked the door?

It's you. I didn't realise. Sorry.

Sorry. Oh, God. Don't ask.

Who's that?

Who? Some woman chucked a cat

into Malcolm's garden and just ran off.

Oh, I've got a school mum and her son coming over tonight.

What? Why? You never invite people over. You feel all right?

Actually, she invited herself, but, I mean... Wow.

I sort of quite like that.

Must be love. Yeah, I suppose.

Oh, well, let me squeeze your tits and I'll take the kids out for you.

So, literally, he sent me this last Tuesday, then nothing since.

Like, how shitty is that? Shit.

He hasn't got time to WhatsApp me

but he's got time to like Demi Rose's fake arse on Instagram.

He's such a bitch.

BOTTLES CLANK

Like, if he keeps messing me around,

I'm going to start shagging that married bloke

and see how he likes that.

What, Mr Super dry? He doesn't only wear Super dry.

That's what you said. It's all right when I say it, Lauren, but not you.

Anything else? Er, yeah.

Do you think you could possibly put this up in your window?

DOORBELL CHIMES

Dan, they're here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they are.

Hello, come in. Hello, Harry.

Hi, Ollie. Hi. Jen, this is Dan,

Dan, this is Jen.

Hi, I'm Jen. Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Dan. Right. Well, have a great time bowling. Where am I going? Bowling?

Yeah. Well, hang on. It's getting on a bit, innit?

Shall we just whack a film on? We've organised this.

By the time I get there...

OTHERS: Bowling. Bowling. Bowling. Bowling.

And it's a strike!

See you later. See you later.

Come on.

I've got to be really good tonight

because it's Ollie's birthday tomorrow. No, no, don't worry.

I have to say that out loud,

so it sounds like a good mum, but, yeah, let's get fucked.

Spill. One, two, three.

Whoop a! Whoop a!

♪ Sweat, baby, sweat, baby... ♪

Is that Sambuca?

♪ You do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about

♪ So put your hands down my pants

♪ And I'll bet you'll feel... ♪

One, two, three...

I'm fine.

MUSIC BLARES Yeah, can I get one deep pan, um...

Um... deep pan.

Yeah, I don't want tomatoes. No tomatoes. No tomatoes.

Can I have that times not twice but thrice?

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

It makes you look like...

Don't take this the wrong way. What?

I don't mean it to be rude.

What? That collar...

Yeah... is a little bit...

...dear Lord.

BOTH: What a sad little life, Jane.

♪ Why can't you see?

♪ Slow it down, read the sign

♪ So you know just where you're going

♪ Stop right now Thank you very much

♪ I need somebody with a human touch

♪ Hey, you, always on the run

♪ Gotta slow it down, baby

♪ Gotta have some fun. ♪

I really, really liked him,

and then he sent me this voice note. Yeah.

And on the voice note, he said, "Goodnight."

Yeah. And then he said,

"Sweet dreams, baby girl." SHE RETCHES

I just felt like the disgust

sort of travel up through my vagina.

Holy Moley. And I just ghosted him after that.

I just totally...

DOOR OPENS Oh, hi.

Hi. Hey.

Oh, dear.

Good time? Yeah, it was fun, wasn't it?

Could you make up the bunk in Ollie's room

because we've got Jen and Harry staying tonight.

Oh, yes. Jen's going to sleep on the sofa.

Shoes off. Shoes off.

Dan! Dan! Dan!

Dan! Dan! Dan!

♪ Dan! Dan!

♪ Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan... ♪

It worked. It worked. It worked.

He's here. We're playing Silly Heads. Yeah.

No, it's not. It's Sticky Heads.

Whose idea was it to play this?

It was my idea. Oh, really. We've got a really good one for you.

Have you played this game before?

Yes. You have played it.

Of course I've played it before. You know the rules?

So you know how to play it. Who wants to go first?

You go first. You go first.

Yeah, DOM can go first. Dan!

Sorry.

What did I say? Dom!

Dom! Am I a bloke? Am I a man?

Yes. Yes. OK.

Am I a movie star?

Am I in the movies? No. No.

Survey says... Our survey says... Uh-uh!

Sorry. Yeah. Right.

So... am I Tom Jones?

Am I Tom Jones? You're not Tom Jones, no. I'm not!

Where would you even get that from? I don't know.

Not a million miles away, though. Can I have a go?

Am I a man?

Ahh! Well, sort of, but...

I don't know. Not strictly. Not in the...

You're, like, a male.

You're male, yeah. You are male.

Where are you going? But you're not a male man.

She's so great.

SHE YELLS

That really scared me, actually.

Am I alive or am I dead?

Am I dead? Am I dead? Yeah.

Dead as a dildo.

Dodo!

Dead meat, yeah.

So probably like a royal, something like that. Yes. Yeah, you were.

That's easy. Henry VIII. Am I Henry VIII?

Oh, my God, are you joking? You cheated.

I did not cheat. No, I did not cheat.

I think you're a cheat.

You know what? I'm going to hit the hay.

Do you know what? Probably... Babe, I wouldn't get too crazy,

it's Ollie's birthday tomorrow.

Oh, don't go. Donnie Downer.

You'll be struggling tomorrow.

No, no, no. Goodnight. Goodnight. Bye, Dom.

Dan!

OK. Come on, girl. Crack that open. That's just... That's not fair.

Yeah, I know. They're always like that, blokes, aren't they?

Do you know what I really miss? What?

The one thing that I'm lacking in my life is, like,

real, intense kind of passion.

And, you know, like, when you're a teenager,

and you're feeling... It's like, as if your nerves

are exposed on your skin.

I've never had that with anyone.

Then you've missed out. How have you not had that?

You have? Yes, I have.

I've had that level of...

What, with... connection.

Not with him. Not with him.

No, with a guy...

It was a guy called Alex.

And the thing was, right, about him,

he wasn't, like, kind of textbook handsome.

Like, he was a bit hairy.

No, but funny. Really, really funny.

He's one of those people that gets the absolute minutiae.

It was like he was my twin flame.

Well, what happened? Did you break up, or...?

No, we were... I mean, it was an affair...

Oh, God... that was going on,

I mean, for, like, years and years and years.

While you were with Dan? Yeah.

Oh, mate. I know.

I'm never going to have that again.

What happened? Did you end it?

You don't still see him, do you?

No, I actually...

He, um...

BEEPING

You all right? Yeah.

I'm sorry. I just don't know...

Nic, are you all right? Yeah.

Oh, my God! Take your coat off!

Help him.

Oh, my God! The coat!

Pull the chord! Pull the chord!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

TRAIN SLOWS

Oh, my God.

SHE GASPS

Oh! Oh, my God.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, look. My feet can't touch the ground. I'm literally dangling.

HE GASPS

I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

There's no-one even here!

I nearly sh...

SHE SCREAMS

Nic, you all right?