Original subtitles

Life is like a parody of your favorite song.

Just when you think you know all the words,

surprise, you don't know anything.

Clear the way, clear the way!

-Clear! -Shut that door, please!

Clear!

Dammit. Dammit!

All right, nurse, let's call it.

Time of death: 7:30--

Quick!

I need some paper, and a number two pencil.

But... maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

Why don't we start back at the beginning.

All gabardine suits are now 30% off.

Jenkins in to the windup,

and the three-two fastball is in the--

President Nixon is on board Air--

Whoo-whoo-whoo wind up your radio!

It's time for The Dr. Demento Show,

two hours of mad music and crazy comedy

-from out of the archives... -Alfy!

What have we told you about listening to that garbage?

But Mom, it's Dr. Demento. It's my favorite show in the whole world.

It's going to rot your brain.

You're lucky your father wasn't here to catch you, mister.

You know how he feels about that kind of music.

Yes, I know.

All right. Now go on, go get washed up.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Alfy, aren't you going to ask your father how his day was?

Um, how was your day, Dad?

What, how was my day?

We had another fatality down at the factory.

Oh, God, real grisly one this time.

It was that McKinley kid that started last week.

I kept telling him to stop messing around

by that industrial shredder, but he just wouldn't listen.

I would've reached out and grabbed him,

but I already lost one hand to that cursed machine.

Well, anyway, there's an opening down on the factory floor.

Maybe I could pull a few strings

and you could spend the summer working with your old man.

How's that sound?

Um, no, thank you.

"No, thank you."

Well, you're gonna have to learn sooner or later,

that factory, that factory will make a man outta you.

But I don't wanna work at the factory. I wanna make songs.

What? You wanna make songs? Did you hear that, Mary?

We got a regular Bing Crosby on our hands, don't we?

Nick, you're embarrassing him.

Oh, am I? Why don't you sing us a little ditty, Bing, huh?

Such a little songbird. Sing one for us.

Stop, stop! What in God's name are you doing?

Those aren't the right words.

I know. I made 'em better.

By changing the lyrics to a well-known song?

No, boy, what you're doing is confusing and evil.

My God, and I will not have

that kind of blasphemy in my own home.

But Dad...

What has gotten into you, Alfred?

Hmm? With the songs and the crazy magazines?

That is all gonna stop now, young man!

Honey, I know it's hard to hear this,

but your dad and I had a long talk

and we agreed it would be best for all of us

if you would just stop being who you are and doing the things you love.

You don't understand me!

It was a few weeks later

when a mysterious stranger showed up at my door

and changed my life forever.

Alfy, get the door.

Why, good afternoon, sir. The gentleman of the house, I take it?

Well, congratulations. Today is your lucky day.

How would you like to be the envy of all of your friends

and the most popular fellow in town?

Well, everything you need to make that happen...

is right here in this box.

Um, my dad is actually...

-Voila.

Feast your eyes.

Have you ever seen such a gorgeous instrument?

Better yet, try it on.

Son, when you play the accordion, you are a one-man band.

You are the life of every party.

Go ahead, son, tickle those ivories.

A natural talent.

Son, you cannot squander that.

You have got to buy this beauty, and I guarantee it,

you are gonna have girls lined up around the corner.

You're gonna need a lifeguard

because you're gonna be drowning

-in so much p-- -Hey! What's going on?

And hello to you, sir.

What are you doing in my house?

And why is my innocent young child wearing that devil's squeeze box?

That's actually our newest--

I thought I told you to shut up!

I don't remember you telling me to shut up before,

but if you're telling me now, I will gladly--

Dad!

-Ah!

Dad, stop! You're killing him!

Nick? Oh, Nick, oh, Nick!

No, Nick! Hey! Nicky, stop it right now!

You made me do this, boy.

You brought this evil into the house. And now look at you.

Look at you.

Take that devilish monstrosity off this very instant.

I don't wanna see you ever wearing it again!

Nick, why don't you go take a little walk?

I think you'd better cool off.

-Yeah. Yeah.

I could use some fresh air because it stinks in here.

I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.

I'll be right here.

Mister, I'm so sorry about this.

My husband, he just has a little bit of a temper,

but he is a good man and he means well, but anyway,

if you're amenable to it,

we'd like to buy that accordion.

Mom! You mean it?

How do you feel about an early Christmas present?

Yes! This is the best thing ever! Thank you so much!

There's just one thing.

No one can see you playing it, especially your father.

This is our secret. Do you understand me?

Mom... does Dad hate me?

No, of course not, sweetie.

Then why is he always so hard on me?

Listen, you're too young to understand now,

but just trust me, your father has his reasons.

I think I have a collapsed lung.

We're trying to have a conversation here, sir.

For the next few years I kept to myself,

and tried my best to please Mom and Dad,

but deep down, I felt like I was living a lie.

Sure. I was well-behaved, I got good grades,

but I never let anyone know the real me.

Hey, Yankovic, you going to that party at Hofstadter’s tonight?

-His parents are out of town. -Ah, geez, guys, I don't know.

I'm not really allowed to go to parties.

You don't need to have your parents' permission. Just sneak out.

I-I don't think I can.

My mom always tucks me in in case I have night terrors.

You have night terrors?

No, I-- You know, just in case.

Well, just use a hay boy, then.

A hay boy? What's that?

-You don't know what a hay boy is?

Oh, dude, you've got a lot to learn.

Just let us handle everything. We'll pick you up tonight.

Okay, yeah.

Night-night, Alfy. Don't let the bed bugs give you night terrors.

I mean, Myron Floren is great and all, Lawrence Welk sure likes him,

but he's way too overexposed.

For my money, it's Whoopee John Wilfahrt

that really gets me just hoppin' and steppin'.

I'm all about that Minnesota sound, man.

Look what I found!

Hey, hey! Hey, you didn't tell me that this was gonna be a polka party.

-What, do you not like polka? -No, I like it, it's--

My parents would kill me if they knew I was here, okay?

I'm so, so sorry, guys. I-I-I gotta go. I can't-- I can't be here, man.

Come on, Al. Live a little! What's the worse that could happen?

You might actually let your guard down and enjoy your life for once?

Yeah, yeah, I can... let my guard down.

Hey... and sorry.

Hey, everybody, look what I found!

Dude, pass it here. Pass it.

-Okay, dude. Okay.

Al, here. You gotta try this.

Oh, no. No, no, thanks. I'm good.

Al's afraid his mommy and daddy

are gonna find out he tried an accordion.

I just don't wanna play, okay? Just, just lay off me, man!

No, guys--

-I'm not gonna--

I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not--

Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll play, yeah.

-It's the cops! Everyone, run!

I'm sorry to disturb you, ma'am,

but I'm afraid we found your son at a polka party.

He was playing an accordion.

That's impossible. Alfy's in--

A hay boy?! Really?

What did I do to deserve this, huh? Huh?

It's like I don't even know you anymore, Al.

You want me to be like you. Look at me, I'm nothing like you.

You want me to work that factory.

Okay, I don't even know what you make down there.

You just call it the factory.

You will find out what we make at the factory

when you work at the factory!

Well, it's my life, and I wanna make music

and I wanna play the accordion.

Ah, hogwash!

And I'm good. I'm really, really good!

How did you get good at playing the accordion, huh? Huh?

It certainly wasn't under my roof, was it?

What'd you do, sneak out and practice in the woods

in the middle of the night?

No. I played it here, quietly.

Yeah, I play in the closet.

But I'm not a closet accordion player anymore.

It feels good!

The closet, you say?

Hmm...

No-no-no. Dad, Dad, hey. Hey, hey, hey, Dad.

No-no-no. You're not going-- It's not in there.

You're not gonna find anything in there.

Dad, what are you doing? No, no, Dad-- No-no-no-no--

Dad, no. Dad, please.

-Uh-huh? -Stop, stop.

-Boy. -Stop. Stop it.

-Boy, this... -Please, Dad. Please! No-no-no!

This is for your own good, boy.

No, I need this, I need this--

Nooo!

No, no, no, no, no!

You-- You think you're gonna stop me from playing?

You'll see. One day I'm gonna be the best--

Well, perhaps not technically the best,

but arguably the most famous accordion player

in an extremely specific genre of music.

I'll show you.

I'll show everybody!

Get out!

-Good riddance!

Things at home never got any better after that.

But within a few years, I graduated

and I was able to move out and live on my own.

Well, with three other guys in a dirt-cheap apartment,

but the point is, I didn't have to answer to anybody.

-Hey, hey. -Howdy.

Now I'd have a chance to find others

who would truly understand me.

I could find my people.

-Okay.

-Okay, that's enough. Thanks. -Mm.

Yeah. Very... very interesting.

So... we'll let you know, okay?

Great. Um, when?

Right now. You didn't make it.

This sucks.

It's the fifth audition I've been kicked out of this week.

It's almost like nobody wants an accordion player in their band.

That just doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. Accordions are cool.

That's the problem with being on the bleeding edge.

You gotta wait for the rest of the world to catch up with you.

I don't have time to wait.

If nobody wants to have me in their group,

I'm just gonna have to go it in on my own.

Don't worry, it's gonna happen for you.

You just gotta hang in there. We got your back.

Thanks, Bermuda. All you guys. You've just been so great.

You really get me.

It is such a difference after living with my folks for so long.

Yeah. And you know, the best part of moving away from home

is you can do anything you want. Hook up with girls...

Get high all the time.

Yeah, I mean, literally anything. There are no rules.

Just last night, I was driving

down the wrong side of the 101 with my eyes closed,

not knowing whether I was gonna live to see another day

or die in a horrible, fiery wreck.

Suck on that, Mom and Dad.

-Yeah. You get it, Steve. -You go, Steve.

Oh, wow, Steve.

What about you, Al?

What's something you always wanted to do,

but you were never allowed to?

Make up new words to a song that already exists.

-Oh, well, you should do that, then. -Absolutely.

Yeah. Why don't you do it right now? Go on. Make up something brilliant.

No, guys, it's not that easy. I gotta wait for inspiration to strike,

and I'm pretty sure that well dried up a long time ago.

Oh, well, if you're not gonna write us a song,

why don't you make us some sandwiches?

Oh, yeah, dude, I'm starving.

Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

Okay, okay, okay. Guys, I'm on it. Jim, you wanna put on some tunes?

Yeah.

Oh, Steve? This bologna has your name on it.

-Can we? -Uh, yeah, sure.

Just open up a package of my bologna.

Is this DJ asleep? The record keeps skipping.

Hey! Wake up.

Al?

You okay?

Where did that come from?

Dude, I've got chills.

I don't know, it just came out of me.

I've never heard anything like that before in my life.

You have to record that.

Record it? No, come on, guys.

Al, you've got something here.

I don't know if it comes from God or the devil,

but the world needs to hear it.

No, forget it, guys. I don't have the money for a recording studio.

I think the bathroom at the bus station has pretty good acoustics.

Yeah, sounds good in here.

You can put it right there, that works.

All right. Just mailed the tape off to Captain Buffoon.

Now, I guess, all I gotta do is sit back and wait to become famous.

Yeah, I don't think that's quite how it works, Al.

Nobody becomes famous overnight. That's a myth.

Sometimes it takes years, decades of hard work to get noticed.

-What? -Look, I believe in you.

I know it's gonna happen for you someday,

but you can't just mail your tape off to some disc jockey

and expect to instantly become a sensation.

Man, why can't I catch a break?

Captain Buffoon on your radio dial.

No, I'm not making this up--

I just received this tape in the mail a few minutes ago,

and what can I say? It's an instant sensation!

It's already the number one most-requested song of the week,

and we're playing it all day long.

So, here it is, once again, Al Yankovic with "My Bologna!"

-Again!

You know what this means, right?

You gotta get yourself a record deal.

I've heard enough.

And what did you think?

Do you know why they call it the "music business"?

Uh, why?

Because it's a business.

It's a business!

Use your head, kid.

Nobody wants to hear a parody song

when they can hear the real thing for the same price.

What's the point?

Yeah, it makes no financial sense, whatsoever.

Uh, my-my-my song was actually

a-a big hit on The Captain Buffoon Show.

-Oh! -What?

Captain Buffoon? Really?

-Yeah. -Wait, wait.

Captain Buffoon actually played your song on the radio?

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell us? This changes everything.

Ben, get this young gentleman a record contract this very instant.

We are gonna sign him to a 14-album deal.

Wait, really?

No! What do you think I am, an idiot?

-He's not an idiot! -I'm not an idiot!

-If I may interject here. -Please.

Look, I'd just like to say

that you got some nerve coming in here

and wasting my time and my brother Tony's time.

I'm gonna remember your name because you, Al Yankovic,

are the most untalented, pathetic loser

that I've ever met in my entire life.

Okay, um, maybe--

You're nothing but a hack, a stupid, useless parasite,

-and you're so ugly. -Okay...

That ridiculous hair, that horrible mustache,

stupid glasses.

You make me wanna throw up!

All right, thank you. Thank you, Ben.

Thank you, Ben, for your, for your thoughts.

-Thank you. -Jeez.

-Ugh. -Look, kid,

if you really have your heart set on doing this stupid music,

maybe write more than one song.

Yeah, all the biggest musical acts have more than one song in their catalog.

That's very true.

And also, get out in front of a live audience.

Any audience, any stage,

just get out there, build up your chops, and who knows?

Maybe someday... we'll talk again.

But don't count on it because you truly suck.

Right.

Okay.

Thank you! We are Skunk Barf!

-You guys suck!

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Just relax, you'll be great.

Yeah, the new song's a bona fide hit.

It's about ice cream!

Everybody likes ice cream.

This seems like more of a whiskey and... heroin crowd.

Look, guys, I appreciate you being here for moral support and everything,

but they are literally gonna kill me. We need to leave right now.

Don't be silly, man. They're gonna love you.

All right, we got, uh, most of the blood

cleaned off the stage, so you're on, now.

-Go start the car. -Nah, you got this, Al.

This is your moment. Go get 'em, champ.

-Go get 'em.

All right, all right, who's ready for some more music?

Okay, uh, coming next to the stage,

it's this guy's first time, Al Yankovic.

-Hey.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Ah, nice Hawaiian shirt, Trapper John!

Um...

Boo!

This guy needs some help.

Gimme a shot of tequila and two scoops of rum raisin.

We don't sell ice cream here.

You better start selling it before this song's over

or you're gonna have a riot on your hands.

Why didn't you guys tell me you could play? You're great.

I guess it didn't seem relevant 'til now.

-Thank you!

Oh, hey.

Oh! You're Dr. Demento.

Oh, wow. I, I am such a huge fan. I can't believe this.

I've been listening to your show my entire life.

Whoo-whoo-whoo, wind up your radio--

-Don't do that. -Sorry.

Um, did you see the show?

I did. And let me tell you something, kid.

Every once in a great while, I can spot a talent

that I know is headed straight to the top.

Nervous Norvus,

Wild Man Fischer,

and now... you.

What I saw you do on that stage tonight blew my mind!

I'm telling you, you've cracked the code. You're onto something special.

Wow, I mean, you, you, you have no idea

what it means for me to hear you say that.

-Thank you so much. -Oh...

I only wish the Scotti Brothers felt the same way.

Ah, those suits. They couldn't recognize real talent

if it slapped them in the face with a dead fish.

But I might be able to get them to notice you.

How?

Well, stick with me, huh?

I know a little something about the biz.

Uh, wait, are-are you saying you want to be my mentor?

No, I'm saying I want to be your... de-mentor!

But first, we gotta find you a stage name.

I mean, Al Yankovic. Ugh, blech.

Doesn't exactly trip off the tongue now, does it?

I guess not.

It's so clunky. It's long. It's ungainly. It's hard to pronounce.

Sorry.

Now, I'm just gonna throw this out there.

Would you be willing to change your name to...

Weird... Al Yankovic?

I love it.

Great. Great!

Hey, I'm having a little pool party at the house this weekend.

I'd love to introduce you to some folks.

What do you say you come on by,

we'll continue this conversation at the grotto.

Yes, of course!

Mm-hmm. And don't forget to stay demented!

You got it.

H-H-Hey! There he is, my newest superstar.

Ah, so glad you could make it.

I've been telling everyone about you,

and, uh, looks like you've brought your band.

Okay, fine.

Uh, there's some canapés right over there, gentlemen.

Help yourselves. So, let me show you around, okay?

Everyone's dying to meet you. Oh, right this way.

-Uh, Mr. Herman. -Hello.

I'd like you to meet "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Ah, a rising star.

Pleased to meet you.

And this is, of course, Tiny Tim.

Oh, Mr. Yankovic. Oh, why, you're just the cat's pajamas.

Is that a good thing?

Sure.

Ah, excuse us, gentlemen.

Nice to meet you.

So that's Demento's new protégé.

You know, I hear they don't even hand out raincoats and tarps at his shows.

Amateur hour.

Amateur hour.

-Well, hello, Dali. -Andy.

What do you think of this "Weird Al" Yankovic?

Dali predicts he will change everything we know about art!

Weird Al will change the world!

Eh, I give him 15 minutes.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Dr. Demento.

Wolfman Jack. Who let you in here?

The Wolfman goes where the Wolfman wants, baby.

Security!

Relax. I just came by to lay eyes on this cat

you've been paradin' around.

The one who takes preexisting musical compositions

and completely changes the lyrics.

He has a name, you know. And it's "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Well then, put 'er there, Weird Al.

Oooh! Too slow.

What is the meaning of this?

This is me telling you that I know hit talent

when I see it, and this kid ain't it.

He'll never crack the top 40, he's too niche.

This kid, as you call him, is the future of music.

Right. Well, if he's so great, how about he comes up

with a new parody song right now on the spot?

-Ooh... -Whoa.

I mean, come on, man. It's a party. I don't know that's a good idea.

Do "Another One Bites the Dust."

That seems fitting, who said that?

I did. I'm John Deacon...

of Queen.

I play the bass in Queen.

Oh...

All right, future boy.

Let's hear what you can do with "Another One Bites the Dust."

We're waiting.

You don't have to prove anything to him.

Come on, guy from Queen.

Let's go find a party with some real talent.

Get me my accordion.

Hey, you like deviled eggs?

I love a good deviled egg. They don't love me, though.

I don't know what to say.

That was the--

That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

You truly have a rare gift, Weird Al.

Hey mate, we're playing a little gig next week

called Live Aid, Wembley Stadium.

I'd be honored if you would join the band

and play that song on stage with us.

What do you say?

Hard pass!

-This guy? -Get him, get him out of here!

I felt like I was on top of the world,

but this was just the beginning.

"Weird Al" Yankovic is one of the most exciting

new artists in pop music today.

His self-titled debut album

was just certified quintuple platinum.

Simply by taking well-known pop songs

and changing the lyrics,

Yankovic has taken the world by storm.

I have never seen a collection of Hawaiian shirts like this.

Oh, well, thank you, Oprah!

He has the number one album in 20 countries

and counts among his fans such luminaries as...

Hey, turn this up.

...President Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II.

Even international drug lord Pablo Escobar

calls Weird Al his favorite musician.

And what about this, this necklace you're wearing?

Oh, these, yeah.

I, uh, I wear one solid platinum record medallion

for each time my album went platinum.

So that's one, two, three, four, five.

Wow. Those look heavy.

They are super uncomfortable.

And it's not just the record company

that's cashing in on Weird Al fever.

The artists he's parodying are experiencing a phenomenon

that's being called the Yankovic Bump.

The Knack, Joan Jett and even Queen

have seen their album sales double

after Weird Al put his unique spin on their songs.

Which begs the question, who will be next?

Who indeed?

Al, you really do seem to have the Midas touch.

I've never seen anything like it in all my years.

Your parents must be proud.

Yeah. Yeah, my parents...

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah. Yes, of course.

Yeah, whose, whose parents wouldn't be proud?

Exactly.

-Al? Al?

Hello?

- Hey, Mom. It's me. -Alfy?

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

We saw you on the TV.

It's crazy, right?

Yeah, who would've thought?

I'm actually gearing up for a residency right now

at Madison Square Garden.

Sold out 25 nights in a row.

They're, uh, they're moving the Knicks

to a hockey rink in Jersey for a month.

-Huh. -Yep.

Yep. I'm living the dream.

I mean, to have 20,000 people every night

singing along to my words

to other people's music.

I feel truly alive when I'm on that stage.

Oh, that's nice.

Are you eating enough bran?

-What? -Well, it's important.

It keeps you regular and you know how you get

when you're not having your regular BMs, Alfy.

I-- Yeah, sure.

Good. That's good.

So, um, so how's Dad?

Gosh, your father's a complicated man.

Does he ever talk about me?

Oh, sure, all the time. Yes.

There's so many things that he wants to tell you,

but it's just difficult for him.

Well, like what?

You know, what does he want to tell me?

Well, mostly he just wants to let you know that

he's definitely not proud of you.

What?

Yes. He told me to be crystal clear about that.

Also, he still thinks that parody songs are stupid

and I don't have to tell you

how he feels about the accordion, do I?

Okay. Well, Mom, I actually have to go now.

You know, he just never really wanted to have kids.

Okay. Well, great talking to you.

Listen, if you do wanna get that job down at the factory,

I'm sure your father can pull a few strings for you.

All right. Take care now, bye-bye.

-Love you, Alfy! -Yep!

Oh, tough call with the folks, huh?

You know, I can fire up the downstairs hot tub for you if you'd like.

Oh, no, no, this is fine. I don't want to put you through any trouble.

I-- It's really no trouble.

I mean, there are actually three other Jacuzzis

in the house that are not here in my bedroom.

Oh, that's so sweet of you, but really, I'm good.

You, on the other hand, you don't seem so good.

Do you wanna talk about it?

It's just, my whole life,

all I've wanted is for my father to accept me for who I am.

And I thought if I became this huge success,

that that would change things, but...

Mm.

But he still hates everything about me.

You know, maybe he's right. Maybe parody songs are stupid.

Look, you don't have to write parody songs

if you don't want to.

What?

You look a little hungry. Here, have a snack.

You can write your own songs.

You think I took you under my wing

because you write parody songs?

No, I saw in you a visionary,

an artist who has something to give to the world.

I saw in you something special,

something your father doesn't see

and that even you don't see...

yet.

This guacamole tastes funny.

Of course it does. It's loaded with LSD.

What?!

-No!

You need to open your heart and your mind,

face your fears, break your chains,

come with me on a spiritual journey.

Find your source of inspiration!

No, that-that is totally not cool, man. You can't just--

Whoa, no, what is happening to your head?

That's probably the drugs kicking in.

Just relax and enjoy the ride.

It'll be over in like, 10 to 12 hours.

12 hours? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just gonna close my eyes and when I open them up again,

everything is gonna be completely back to--

What in God's name are you doing, boy?

Those aren't the right words!

Please, just stop being who you are and doing the things you love.

You, Al Yankovic, are the most untalented,

pathetic loser I've ever met in my entire life!

No, no, no, stop it. Leave me alone!

Alfred Yankovic, this is your time.

Believe in yourself, and the song will come to you.

Don't listen to him, boy!

You belong with me, at the factory!

It's your destiny!

Aah! No!

Aah! No!

He's losing his power over you, keep going!

I can't!

Maybe you should try a little Cap'n Crunch.

What?

Raisin Bran, perhaps?

No, no! I don't want no Cap'n Crunch!

Don't want no Raisin Bran!

Eat it, just eat it.

I don't understand!

Don't you make me repeat it.

What's happening to me?!

Now you must die in order to be reborn.

No, no! No!

Put it in.

I've heard enough.

It's brilliant.

Okay, I'm sorry. I don't recognize the tune.

What song are you parodying here?

I'm not parodying anything.

This song is completely original.

Wait, you wrote the words and the music?

That's right.

Okay, just to be perfectly clear,

so you're saying this is not a parody of an existing song,

but an entirely original composition that you wrote all by yourself?

Yes.

Not based on anybody else's song in any way?

Did I stutter?

I'm tired of people thinking I'm some kind of joke, okay?

I am done writing parody songs. Done.

From now on, I am only gonna do completely original music.

Oh, Al, you can't smoke in here.

I totally deserved that.

Well, I am blown away. This is a bold new direction.

I mean, the parody songs were fine,

but you've completely changed the game here.

This is gonna be your biggest hit yet.

Okay, okay! Hold your horses!

"Weird Al" Yankovic.

Um, do I know you?

Madonna. Ring any bells?

Oh, right. Madonna.

Yeah, "Lucky Star," "Holiday," "Borderline."

Born in Michigan, Catholic schoolgirl,

dropped outta college and moved to New York City

with nothing but the clothes on your back

and $35 in your pocket.

Maybe it was to become the Queen of Pop.

Maybe it was to get back at Dad for marrying the housekeeper.

Wow.

You know a lot more about me than you let on.

What can I say? I'm full of surprises.

So, what brings you here, Madonna?

Oh, I was in the neighborhood.

Wanted to see if my map to the stars' homes was accurate.

Guess you won't need a refund then.

Is that, uh, all you wanted?

No, I want a lot of things,

but the truth is, I'm a big fan of yours.

Join the club.

Have you heard my new single, "Like a Virgin?"

Oh, I've heard it.

And I'm curious, is that song autobiographical?

Yes. I technically am a virgin,

except for the fact that I've had a lot of sex.

I mean, a lot.

I see.

Anyway, I was wondering

if you were going to do a parody of my song.

Maybe.

I like that.

So, would you like to see the rest of the house?

There's only one room I'm interested in seeing.

Oh, I'm doing some work on the bathroom,

but there's another one downstairs.

Oh, I'm not talking about the bathroom.

Then let me show you to the laundry room.

Al Yankovic, are you playing with me?

Yes?

Oh, you're so weird.

So, are we like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?

Maybe.

Well, now that things are official,

I should really be honest with you.

When I said I might parody one of your songs, I lied.

So, it's true, what they're saying. You're not doing parodies anymore.

My song "Eat It," which, as you know, is a hundred percent original,

is the biggest hit by anybody ever.

So, I've decided that's all I wanna do from now on.

Completely original songs.

See, that's what I love about you.

You know what you want and you know how to get it.

Just like me.

How about that? And I've got some amazing news.

I've officially gotten the word that we have broken

the Beatles' record for most singles in the Billboard Top 10.

Oh.

Yeah, cool.

Uh, okay.

Well, um, we have some very exciting offers pouring in

that I would love to--

-That-- -Oh, that feels good.

love to discuss with--

Love to discuss with you.

We got some, some great calls.

-Uh, very interesting.

Led Zeppelin, uh, is thinking about getting back together,

but they say the only way they'll do it

is if they can open up for you on tour.

I mean, that's sweet, but yeah.

I already offered the gig to Howie Mandel, so.

Okay, yeah. But this is perhaps--

Look, I am not bumping Mandel for Zeppelin, okay? Pass.

Okay. Got it.

Uh, well, we have another offer, a very serious offer.

This is to replace Roger Moore in the James Bond franchise.

-Now this one-- -No!

No, no, no, I'm not gonna be the new James Bond.

I'm not gonna be the new Indiana Jones.

From now on, everything I do has to be completely original.

How many times have I gotta say that?

Look, Mr. Pimento, we have places to be.

How long is this gonna take?

Not much longer.

We got another offer for you to play

Pablo Escobar's 40th birthday party.

I saw him on the news. He's a really big deal.

The drug lord? Why is he so obsessed with me?

And he has upped his offer to three billion pesos.

I mean, okay, how much is that in American money?

You know what, never mind, I don't feel like doing the math.

Well, I've done the math and I can assure you--

Bup-bup-bup! I can do my own math, and I said, I don't want to. Pass.

Alfy, are you chewing my gum?

I don't know. Maybe.

You wanna come get it?

You, you don't think things are moving

too fast with us, do you?

Baby, don't be silly. We're soulmates.

This is true love. When you know, you know.

You're so right.

This has been the happiest six hours of my life.

Mr. Yankovic, you have a phone call at the host stand.

Excuse me, my love.

This better be good.

Well...

What's going on, Tony?

Okay, um, I-I thought you should hear it from me first.

Michael Jackson just released a new single called "Beat It."

It's, um...

Well, it's-it's a parody of "Eat It."

You mean the kid from the Jackson Five?

Why is that has-been trying to ride my coattails?

He actually has a pretty successful solo career now.

Whatever! You're telling me

Michael Jackson recorded a parody of my song?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Same music, different words.

What kinda sick freak changes the words

to someone else's song?

"Beat It," huh?

Wait, so it's about eggs?

No, no, it's, uh, I don't think it's even about food.

It's about fighting or....

trying to avoid a fight? I'm not exactly sure--

What gives him the right?! Can he even do this?

I think you're overreacting just a little, okay?

I mean, this could be great publicity. Sell a few more albums.

No, I don't need to sell more albums, Tony!

I need people to start taking me seriously as an artist that creates original music.

Now some idiots will probably get confused

and think "Beat It" came first!

Nobody's gonna think that.

This is a disaster, for the rest of my life now,

I'm gonna be linked to this Michael Jackson guy.

And why would that be so bad?

You know, maybe it's a good thing. I-I think it's an honor.

Michael's one of the biggest stars in the world.

Everything okay?

Everything's pretty freaking not okay.

I finally created something of my own

and now people are just gonna think I'm ripping off Michael Jackson.

Your filet?

I think I lost my appetite.

Babe, you seem stressed. You should have a drink.

I don't really drink.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, the only thing that can clear your head

and make you feel better is hard alcohol, and lots of it.

Well, you know me better than anyone.

I trust you.

He'll have a whiskey, neat.

You know what? Maybe you should bring the whole bottle.

-I know, right?

Hey, hey. The king is here! Let's get this party started.

Dude, soundcheck was supposed to start like three hours ago.

Well, I wasn't here three hours ago, so we're starting now.

Al, are you drunk?

-I'm not drunk, you're all drunk. -No, this is pointless.

Hey, man, why don't you just get out of here?

I need to get out of here? You need to get out of here!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Guys, guys!

Al, look, it's the first show of the tour tonight.

It's kind of a big deal.

Do you think you could maybe not screw this up for everybody?

Oh, what-what-what are you gonna do, fire me?

You guys are nothing without me.

Yeah, I could replace you with a drum machine

and you with a guitar machine

and you with a, I don't know, with some other machine.

You're all just a bunch of normals, okay,

I'm the weird one! I am the weird one!

Okay. That's it.

You've changed, man.

-Fame's really gotten to you.

Wow.

Look, just get yourself cleaned up for the show tonight, all right?

-You're a mess. -Yeah.

They seem nice.

Yeah, they're great.

-Al? -Oh, what do you want?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Privately?

Look, anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of my girlfriend.

Okay, fine.

-I think Madonna's a bad influence on you.

I think she's an evil, conniving succubus

and she's only using you for her pathetic and selfish needs.

-What? -No offense.

She only wants you for that sweet, sweet Yankovic Bump.

She knows her record sales

will go through the roof if you parody her.

How dare you.

This woman is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

And besides, I already told her I'm not doing any more, um...

Any more... The thing you said.

-Song parodies. -Song parodies!

You're so drunk right now,

I bet you couldn't even give her that Yankovic Bump.

That's not true!

That's not true, I'll come up with that song parody right now.

Instead of "Like a Virgin," it'll be "Like a..."

Like a...

Like a...

Shut up, it's impossible! Nothing rhymes with virgin.

Al, listen.

You gotta take care of yourself.

When she's done with you, she's gonna drop you

like a sack of spoiled cabbage.

No, no, shut up, shut up! You're not my dad.

You think you're my dad, but you are not my dad.

Baby? Baby, where are you going?

I'm goin' for a drive to clear my mind, on my own.

No, no, no, no, no. You cannot go.

Without your car keys.

Thank you so much.

Well, we can't wait.

Weird Al hits the stage at Joe Robbie Stadium

tonight at eight o'clock, and it's gonna be off the chain.

One for the history--

Well, that was multi-platinum recording artist

"Weird Al" Yankovic with "I Love Rocky Road," and my god,

have you ever seen a more durable pop artist?

Anything you throw at this guy,

he just seems capable of surviving it.

I'll bet he could land a plane into a volcano

-and still come out--

Dammit.

All right, nurse, let's call it.

Time of death: 7:30--

Quick!

I need some paper and a number two pencil.

Here you go, baby.

Excuse me, miss, he's in no condition to be doing--

Look, there's no time, okay? He's got a show in 30 minutes.

-All right.

Better give me all your gauze, nurse.

Yes!

This is all for you, babe. I love you so much.

I think I should have stuck around for that blood transfusion though,

-I think I'm gonna pass out. -No, babe, you're killing it.

-Now get back out there. -Okay.

Okay, babe, you have a costume change, one more song

and then we can go home and sleep it off.

Okay.

No, no, no, no. What-what is that? I'm not wearing that.

-It's your "Eat It" jacket, babe. -No, not anymore, it's not.

That is a Michael Jackson jacket now. I don't wanna see it.

Get that outta my face.

You don't have to wear it if you don't want to.

Now just drink up. Yeah, that's good, yeah.

Little more, little more. That's the medicine.

Boo, boo, boo, boo!

Yeah, that's what you sound like. Boo!

Oh, what? You want, do you wanna hear "Eat It?"

-Do you?

Okay, here goes.

You're all a bunch of slaves!

-You're morons.

Idiots!

Oh, what, what, you paid good money to see a show?

You worked your little butts off at some dangerous factory?

God only knows what they make there!

No one will tell you that.

What do they make in the factory?

What do they make?!

Do you like getting pushed around?

You like letting everybody push you around?

Yeah, I think you do. I think you like it.

You like letting your dad push you around?

No!

You like letting Michael Jackson push you around?

-No!

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do about it?!

-What are you gonna do?!

So... you wanna see it?

Do you want me to show it to you?

I'm gonna whip it out!

You don't think I'll do it, do you?

I haven't whipped it out yet but I'm gonna do it for you,

but only if you really want me to.

Okay, here goes!

Yeah!

-Get off me! Get off me!

We're sorry to interrupt

the President's address, but we have breaking news.

Parody songsmith "Weird Al" Yankovic was arrested earlier tonight

in Miami-Dade County for lewd behavior.

Okay. Here's my thought.

I think this is a really great idea, I hope you like it.

We team up, right?

I'll write all the, you know, good songs, the real ones,

and then you parody them every time. Bam, bam. It's perfect.

Sounds great.

It's foolproof, we'll be unstoppable.

We'll be the hottest power couple in the entire music industry.

What would our power couple name be?

I'm thinking Madankovic or Madonnavic

or maybe just Madonna.

There'll be plenty of time to figure all of that out.

But can you imagine the world tour?

Madonna... with Weird Al.

All that money? I just got the tingles.

But I mean, you're okay with all of this, right?

Look, babe, I'm--

I'm seriously okay with anything you wanna do.

I mean, look at me. I'm a train wreck.

I'm barely holding it together.

My parents wrote me off.

I pushed away my band, Dr. Demento,

everyone who was important to me.

You're all I got.

You are literally the only thing I have left in the world,

and if anything happened to you, I don't know what I would do.

No, no! No!

Relax, Mr. Yankovic.

We only wanna borrow your girlfriend.

Just stay calm and nothing will happen to you.

Please, sir, please. Whatever you do--

Don't hurt me.

-Help me! -Madonna!

-Hiya!

-Die, die!

-Order up.

Pablo Escobar sends his regards!

Pablo Escobar, you just made the biggest mistake of your life.

This'll do.

So, then I'm stomping on him and stomping him with my boots,

and he's calling for his mom and I'm like,

"Stop being so extra." You know, it's like--

Oh, my goodness! Ha ha! That better not be vanilla.

Who was it?

-No, who was it? -Escobar!

Oh, Mr. Yankovic.

We've been expecting you. Welcome, welcome.

As you know, I am a huge, huge fan of your music.

I got all of your albums through the Columbia House Record Club.

Twelve for one penny, you guys. Really great deal.

Really great deal.

Anyway, I-- Oops. I hope you will forgive me

for kidnapping your lovely girlfriend.

It just seemed like that was the only way

to guarantee that you would come to my birthday party.

Your agent, oy, a real nightmare to deal with, if I'm gonna be honest.

Real vicious guy.

You know, I'm sorry. Let me turn down the music please.

Just a little annoying, yeah.

I can hear myself think now.

It's so noisy up in there. Aah, the voices.

Oh. Oh, where are my manners?

We were just about to cut the cake. May I offer you a slice?

Let's get him a slice, please.

No. No cake.

Okay, Mr. Diet.

More for us, am I right?

I just want my woman, then I'll go.

Ah, you want your woman. Okay.

I'm afraid that's not how it works, Mr. Yankovic.

You see, you can't leave until you perform for me.

-Do you understand me? -No dice.

Not gonna happen. I'm not your monkey.

-I can do "Borderline." -No, I don't want that. I want him.

Mr. Yankovic, why-why all the drama?

I mean, you're already here.

Just perform one measly song for us and then you guys can leave.

Come on, just one song, no?

How about that wonderful

Michael Jackson parody that you did, huh?

That's not a parody!

Stop! Stop! It's my birthday. Stop it! Stop it!

Well, first off, rude. Okay? And second of all,

if you really, really don't wanna entertain us, then fine.

You can just leave.

Wait, so, so we can just go?

Yeah, you can go whenever you want.

Psych!

No!

Very unfortunate.

He was like a god among men, and now just worm food.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Anyway, back to the party. Should we cut the cake or...?

Hey, Pablo, you forgot one thing.

I'm certified platinum.

Hey, Escobar.

Eat it.

Okay, let's get outta here.

I just gotta get this medallion.

Okay. Oh, it's in there. Ah.

Oh, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross!

You just killed Pablo Escobar!

I know! I've killed so many people this week.

Before last Thursday, I never really killed anyone.

The things we do for love, huh? Okay, come on. We gotta go.

Well, now, wait, wait, wait, hear me out here.

With Escobar out of the picture, maybe...

maybe we can run the drug cartel.

Wait, what?

Supply and demand, baby.

Look, someone's gotta run the cartel. May as well be me. Us.

You can't be serious. What about all our plans?

Writing songs together, touring together.

Why rule the music industry when you can rule the world?

All the money and power is right here.

Madonna, that's...

No. No way.

My life is in America, and my family would never forgive me

if I became involved in a drug cartel.

Well, your family's already disowned you, Al.

I'm all you've got, remember?

And we'll still be together. I'll be the head of the cartel...

and you can be my number two.

Your number two.

I can't believe this. Dr. Demento was right.

You were just using me to further your own career, weren't you?

Well... yeah.

My relationship with you was a business decision...

and so is this. It's all just business.

Wow.

Well, okay then.

I guess-- I guess that's it.

Have a nice life.

Whoa!

I can't let you leave, Al. You know too much.

What are you talking about?

Stop that!

We could have made such a beautiful team,

and you know what?

I decided I do like Weirdonna better than Madonnavic.

But that's all over now.

Our partnership is officially dissolved.

Goodbye, Madonna.

Yeah. I had a lot of soul searching to do.

Was I a parody singer? An original artist?

The most dangerous assassin in the world?

Maybe I had lost my way.

Don't get me wrong, there were things

I loved about being Weird Al.

The fame, the money,

the fancy dinners, joining the Illuminati,

going to the Illuminati holiday party,

learning the truth about the moon landing and JFK.

But without my family, none of that mattered.

I knew what I had to do.

There it is, pretty simple.

When the light turns green, you turn this crank to the left.

When it turns red, you stop and pull this lever down.

When it turns green again, you push this lever up

and turn this crank back to the right.

Yep, that's about it. Lunch is at 12:30.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What do we make here?

Your old man said you was funny.

That's a good one. "What do we make here?"

Somebody help! My leg!

Oh, uh...

It's burning me! Oh, my leg!

Ahh! Ahh! It burns!

Hey.

Cleanup crew to the control room.

You got a minute?

Well, what?

You want to take a swing, old man?

No.

Just... what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Really?!

All my life, all I wanted to do is please you,

but I was never enough.

You were always disappointed in your weird son.

So yeah, I gave up the most successful career

in music history to come work at this miserable factory

because it's what you've always wanted

and what, it is still not enough for you?

I appreciate what you're doing.

This isn't the life for you.

Oh, what? So I'm not even good at turning cranks now.

No, Alfred, that's not what I'm saying.

What are you saying, then?

I was wrong to stand in your way.

This isn't what you were meant for.

You're special.

You're Weird Al, and you're my son.

And I'm, uh...

I'm proud of you.

What are you doing?

Dad!

-Yeah, that's an absolute classic.

Whew.

Well, so Mom tells me you're dating that singer Madonna.

Oh, um, no, we-we broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What happened?

Yeah. It's-it's complicated.

Well, don't worry. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

So, so, what is it like? What's it like being you?

You know, world famous superstar and all?

Well, um, it's-it's fun, but it's also a lot of pressure.

The hardest part for me is just coming up with new songs.

I-I never know where my next idea's gonna come from.

And yeah, I-I honestly, I don't know if I have it in me anymore.

Oh, nonsense. I'm sure that next big idea

is just right there in front of you.

Well, you may have noticed I've put on a little weight.

Don't be silly, Ma. You look great.

You do, dear. I think you look wonderful with a few extra pounds.

I think you're pleasingly plump.

Oh, Nick. You know I'm fat.

I'm fat, you know it.

What?

Wow.

Dad, can I ask you something?

Mom told me growing up, you always had your reasons

for being so hard on me.

I think it's time, dear.

All right.

Oh, whoa.

I wrote it all down. This should explain everything.

Okay, do you have maybe a-a photo album

or we can just go through the bullet points together?

I don't have a photo album, but I have a sketchbook.

A sketchbook?

You see, we didn't have any cameras

when I was growing up because...

I was raised Amish.

What, really?

Yep. I grew up Amish.

Lived in the community for the first 16 years of my life.

And frankly, I don't think I ever really fit in

because, well, if I'm being honest,

I was just as weird as you when I was a kid.

Yeah, I even made up new words to the hymns

that we sang during church service.

-That didn't go over too well.

That boy will never learn.

And then when I was a few years older,

I was able to go on rumspringa.

I finally had a chance to go out into the great big world

and see what it had to offer.

And that's when I saw the love of my life,

a 1933 Excelsior,

the finest accordion there ever was.

Cost me every penny I had in the world, but it was worth it.

So wait-wait-wait, you had an accordion?

I did, I did, I did, I was pretty good at it too.

I was not bad. I was not bad at all.

I thought I was the love of your life.

Oh, honey, you come later, please. Anyway...

So, I tried for months to make it

as a professional musician,

but it just wasn't in God's plan.

Get outta here!

Failure mocked me at every waking moment.

Hey, there, squeeze box.

I knew that I had to give up my dream

and go back to the only life that I'd ever known.

But when I tried to come back to the Amish community,

well, the second they saw that squeeze box,

I was immediately ex-communicated, banished forever.

My whole world was torn away from me.

All I knew was I never wanted to see

another accordion again, for as long as I lived.

So I got a job at the factory,

a place where I knew you could get an honest day's wages

for an honest day's work.

And that's when I met...

the true love of my life.

Your mother.

Wow.

Dad, I-- I never knew.

Of course you didn't. How could you, I just told you.

I just, the whole story was about--

Anyway, look,

son, I hope that you can forgive me and I hope you understand.

I lost everything and I didn't want you

to suffer the same sad fate.

I didn't want you to get your dreams crushed,

so I thought I should crush your ideas

before they could turn into dreams.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Oh.

Oh, that's nothing. You can just throw that thing out, that's--

-"Amish Paradise?" -Nope, just tear that up in little pieces

-and get rid of that. -Dad.

Are these song lyrics?

That's just something stupid I wrote a while ago.

It doesn't matter. You can just--

No, no, no, Dad, these lyrics...

they're like a window into your soul.

I don't think I've ever felt more connected to you than this

in my entire life.

Well, I never had the chance to perform it myself

because the dream had already died.

I thought maybe someday, but no, never mind.

Never mind. I guess no one will ever hear this song.

That's it! That's it!

Mom!

What did you say like a minute ago, about being fat?

We're onto something else now.

We were kind of having a moment here, son.

Read the room.

Yeah, I mean, I wrote the book and did the whole thing.

-Alfy! -The drawing.

Listen to your father when he's talking!

Does anything register with you?

Can you see my lips moving? Nothing gets through to you.

Man, I shoulda kept the publishing rights.

Yecch!

It is so good to have you back, man.

Yeah, I was starting to miss the weird one.

Oh god, I cannot believe I ever said that to you guys.

I am so, so sorry.

Hey, you're an artist.

Being an abusive jerk is all part of the process.

Yeah, name me one creative genius

that doesn't have a checkered past

involving drugs, alcohol and a murderous rampage

through the heart of the jungle.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I love you guys so much!

Yeah, yeah. See you out there.

Dr. D, you came!

Of course I came. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And well, needless to say, you were amazing.

Thank you. And I-I also, I really wanna say the way I treated you--

Stop. I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?

No apologies necessary.

I have been thinking a lot about what you said,

and I realized, Al, that...

you are like a son to me and, uh...

Well, I never really had any children of my own, so, uh...

I want to adopt you.

Will you be my son?

Wow.

Um, you-- I-- I just made up with my dad.

You d-- You did?

-Yeah. -That's, wow. Okay.

Yeah. So yeah, we-we talked.

-Wow. -We're-we're all good now.

Cool, the coolest. that's great.

-That's great. -It is great.

Oh, good!

-Yeah. -Cool.

Wow, that's so cool.

That's really cool. That's so cool.

My, my category is coming up really soon,

I think, so I should probably go change?

You should-- oh, you should go. Yeah, definitely.

It's so good to see you.

-Thank you so much for coming. -Okay.

-So good. Take care. -All right.

Please welcome to the stage Grammy Award winner Diana Ross,

and Intercontinental WWF Champion Hulk Hogan.

As artists, we learn to express ourselves through our instruments.

Louis Armstrong had his trumpet and Jimi Hendrix had his guitar.

And well, my instrument is my voice.

That's right, Diana.

And my instruments are these 24-inch pythons.

-Whoo!

No, no, Mary. That's an oily man.

And now, the award you've all been waiting for.

In the category of "Perhaps Not Technically the Best

But Arguably the Most Famous Accordion Player

in an Extremely Specific Genre of Music."

And the award goes to...

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, this is incredible.

This award means so much to me,

and in front of all the billions of people watching

around the world right now, all I want to say is...

see, Dad? I told you!

Yeah! In your face, old man!

-Huh?

There are so many people here tonight that I need to thank.

People who mean the world to me and who made me

everything that I am today.

But they know who they are, and I'm gonna thank them all later privately.

Okay, I'm just gonna wrap things up. I don't have much time left.

I-- Y'know, I'm gonna be around for a good long time.

You don't have to worry about that.

You're not gonna get rid of me that easy.

-Waiting on your signal. - Stand by.

But in my remaining few seconds, I just wanna say...

live the life you wanna live.

You know, be as weird as you wanna be.

Believe me, you will never find true happiness

until you can truly accept who you are.

And standing before all of you, right here, right now,

I can honestly say I have never been more happy

or more proud in my entire life.

Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you!

Take the shot.

Nooo!

Wow, fake-out ending!

Awwwwww, double fake-out!