Original subtitles

Downloaded from Hqcinemas.com

♪♪

Official HQCINEMAS movies site: Hqcinemas.com

♪♪

♪♪

[VHS player clicks, humming]

-[Humming]

-Gentlemen, when I look at this battlefield,

I see some of the bravest men ever to wear a uniform.

Is that you, Johnson?

You're a real lazy piece of shit.

-[Snoring]

-Johnson, wake up!

-Sorry, sir. Just guarding the tank.

-You were sleeping. I heard you.

-But it's just so comfortable up here.

I, huh...

[Snoring] -Goddammit.

And you there, stop posing.

-Sorry, sir. -Sorry, sir.

-Fucking showboats.

-Excuse me, dear capitan.

-[Groans] What do you want?

-Can I get some cigarettes?

-No. -How about a rifle?

-You're a prisoner of war.

-That doesn't mean we can still be friends.

-It does actually. -Does it really?

I've never heard that. How about a bugle?

-We already have a guy who plays the bugle.

-I can for sure play better than him.

-It's true. I suck.

-I'm not giving you a bugle.

If I had it my way I would kill all Germans in this place.

-But you already killed all the Germans in this place.

[Sinister chord plays]

-I'd do it again in a heartbeat, so do not test me.

-Ouch. It's pretty mean to threaten someone

with a war crime, my friend.

-We aren't fri--

-Sir, I see something over there.

-What is it was? Where's Johnson?

-Yeehaw.

-Johnson, you yahoo! Everybody run!

[Imitating tank engine revving]

-[Screaming]

[Static plays]

[Upbeat music playing off key]

♪♪

♪♪

-This is the "Video Journal of Neurosurgery" with --

[Static humming]

-Guys, I told you the list is endless.

So, why wait?

Call this toll-free number and order now.

-Please stop.

[Indistinct shouting]

-Oh, wait.

[Chuckles] So good.

-Come on.

♪♪

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

-Hey!

-Man, I'm getting crazy.

♪♪

-Yeah! Yeah!

I'm out of my fucking mind.

Ahh!

-Fuck it up!

♪♪

[Laughs]

-Shh. Hey. What's up, bud.

-Get out of here! Stop!

-Hey, make sure you wipe.

-♪ Writing this down ♪

♪ 'Cause she knows I'll never leave her ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't live without her ♪

-Take it, take it down.

-You want some of that? [Glass shatters]

[Laughter]

-This is my dick.

That's right, it's big.

-Now, don't be a pussy.

[Screams]

Oh, shit. Are you hurt? [Laughs]

-♪ I don't think you ever made a big mistake ♪

♪ Cause I don't want to get you off my back ♪

♪ No wonder we hate the same things ♪

♪ I hate everyone else ♪

♪♪

-Let's fuck it up!

-♪ I don't think you ever made a big mistake ♪

-Welcome, everyone, to party of...

-Let's fuck shit up! -Let's fuck shit up!

[Rock music plays]

-[Laughs]

-These are yours.

-That's the closest you'll be

to any pussy everything.

-Oh! -Shut the fuck up.

I get pussy.

-Oh you get what -- -I get pussy.

-Yeah. -Who's pussy?

-Dick.

♪♪

Let me get a shot of this fine piece of meat right here.

Look at this. -It looks good on you.

-Why do you look hotter than Rachel?

-Who wore it better? -That's what I'm saying.

-Poor Rachel.

-Don't even make that comparison.

I'm fine as fuck, dude.

[Laughter]

Listen, this is a very special episode,

because tonight, R.A.C.K is going on a mission.

We're breaking into the Colony!

-Don't use that word, dumbass. What is wrong with you?

-We're visiting the Colony.

-The infamous Colony Underground.

-Why do you got to keep acting so fruity lately?

-What's it you, Mohammed?

[Laughter]

-Anywho, for those of you born yesterday,

The Colony Underground was this really wicked --

-It was an art collective.

"It was an arts art collective?"

-So, this art collective had like hella shows all the time.

It was all ages, and some pretty big bands

would come from the city, like the KGB,

Eddie Cash and the Star Fuckers, Valentine Fox,

mostly pumping hardcore stuff. -Yeah.

-We totally would have played there.

-Yeah. -For sure.

-For real. -We would have if it weren't

for the freak electrical fire

that broke out three years ago to the day.

-Wait, seriously? -Yeah, March 6, 1996.

-It's March 5th.

-Can you let him talk? God!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Glass shatters]

-Three years ago, a freak electrical fire

barbecued the inside of The Colony Underground

and claimed four innocent lives.

The lives of the very band that headlined that night.

Legend has it their bodies only burned

after being trampled to death by their own fans.

Fans so desperate to escape the towering flames

they crushed their heroes under foot without a second thought.

-[Laughing] Dude, keep going.

-Hmm?

-Oh, yeah, yeah look how freaked out Ankur looks.

-Shut up, I'm fine.

-Oh, your left pocket.

-Is Ankur a little bitch? Let's see, let's see.

Yo, it is turning! It is turning.

Swear to God, look, look, look!

-Okay, okay, okay.

-So, that band was Bitch Cat.

-You can cut in stuff from the tape you have right there?

-Yeah. -That'd be a cool transition.

-What tape?

-Oh, dude it's so sick.

♪♪

-At church. Can't you tell?

♪♪

-♪ You want it your way ♪

♪ Well, why don't you stay so? ♪

♪♪

♪ Ah, keep stuffing your face ♪

♪ Eat cake as you... ♪

-Well, we weren't made by a corporation.

We grew our sound and our following grassroots.

-♪ What is it gonna take? ♪

[Indistinct]

♪ I guess I've seen it all ♪

♪ I know I've seen too much, oh ♪

♪ My God, what could it take?♪

-We got in Dierdre's van, and basically just played

anywhere that'd take us.

We're road warriors, man. -Yeah.

-♪ Don't care about your angels ♪

♪ Get off my back, boy ♪

-We don't even feel like we relate to LA anymore.

Like, that stage is our home.

-Yeah and the fans our family, for sure.

♪♪

-Our shows are these huge parties.

Everyone belongs. Everybody has a killer time.

-♪ Too bad 'cause I say so ♪

-Sure. [Laughs]

I mean, what's the party without a little bit of violence?

[Music distorting]

-♪ We came out to play ♪

♪ Get off of my stage, bro ♪

-♪ Get off my fucking stage ♪

-♪ My God, what could it be? ♪

-I think America got, like, a rage revolution on the way.

[Distorting] Everyone's just so mad.

-♪ Let's go, let's go ♪

-Everybody's daddy got too rich.

-Yeah, so give us all your fucking money, daddy.

-Give us your money!

-♪ Bad boy, you already know ♪

♪ I'm no angel ♪

♪ Diamonds turns black ♪

♪♪

[Distorted laughter]

-Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die!

-Oh, my God, look he's fucked up.

-Hey! Hurry! Come on, come on.

Yo, wait, wait.

Tell everyone about the mission today.

-R.A.C.K is going to The Colony Underground

to play a show on whatever is left at that stage.

And we're going to suck though because we've been rehearsing,

what, two months?

Yeah, show out to your Nazi dictator dad.

I hope that's -- -Oh my God, whatever.

-No, wait come on. Like, what else though?

What else? -I don't know.

We're going to get the gear, if there's any that works.

-Yeah, but why'd you make a stop here? Your house?

-Come on, K. -Hey, no.

I just think inquiring minds want to know

if you're really just scared little pussy bitch.

That's all I want to know! Come on!

Hey, I'm sorry. I meant to say a little scaredy baby

who thinks he's going to meet some ghosts.

Yo, Rachel, get the camera. Get the fucking camera, Rachel.

Why's Ankur being a little bitch right now?

-Stop.

-Do you want your mommy because you don't come home.

-Get off me!

-Oh, no! The lady ghosts are going to eat me.

[Distortion plays]

-Dude, I can't believe we're here right now.

-Come on, it's going to be fun. Come on, let's just go.

-Rach, those chicks seem kind nice.

I just don't think we should fuck with their gravesite.

-But, like, you have to say why.

Come on, it'll make a better video.

I think it's cool.

-Okay, fine.

So, you know these stories, okay?

Hindu stories about bhuts.

-Bhuts? -Yeah, dead people.

Restless spirits with unfinished business, and supposedly

if you bother them they'll like, they just like --

-They'll what?

-They'll fucking possess you, okay?

[Chain rattles]

[Gate creaks]

-Yes! -We're in.

-So, that's why you went home and got a baggie of spices?

They're like ghost killing spices. [Laughs]

-Dude, just stop, I don't want --

-Relax, spice boy.

-Get off my dick, motherfucker.

-Wow, calm your fucking tits, dude.

-Yo, hey, wait up.

♪♪

-Welcome to what's left of The Colony Underground.

-Like, literally so far underground.

-Yeah, like six feet under.

-It's insane the whole audience

actually got out of here alive.

-Yeah, well, they sacrifice the band to do it.

Imagine dying in a stampede. [Chuckles]

-Herd mentality, dude. Sheep.

-Still smells like a fire in here.

-Crispy bodies.

[Chuckles]

[Door creaking]

-Whoa.

What?

-Rach, I don't...

-Dude, come on. just go. Come on. Hurry up.

[Chuckles]

[Sinister music plays]

♪♪

Boo!

♪♪

-This place is a total maze.

So many hallways.

-We've been down here for 10 minutes.

I have no idea how to get back out.

-Chill. I know the way.

♪♪

-What is this?

-The hell if I know.

♪♪

-I think somebody lives down here.

-Look, look. Come here.

Look at this here.

-Why would anybody want to live here?

-Well, I mean, for a homeless guy, it's not that bad.

♪♪

-Yeah, I bet. -Look at all the --

-[Whispering] I bet we're not alone.

-Dude, seriously. It's just us here.

I know it is. -That's some crackhead,

heroin-licking homeless guy here.

-Can you please stop?

-Sorry.

[Door clanks open]

-What are you doing? Stop. Don't go in there.

-Come on. -Whooo.

-Dude, seriously?

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-You're joking.

-Not really. -Yeah, fuck that.

-Anyway, look, somebody made a shrine.

[Laughter]

♪♪

-What'd you guys find? -Whoa.

-No way.

-[Moaning] -Yo, Kaleb stop that.

Yo, that's not cool.

-[Gagging] -Stop, dude.

-Whatever, bro.

♪♪

-Rachel, come here, come here. You see this?

-Eww. Is -- is that a boot?

-Melted into the floor.

[Creaking]

♪♪

-These belong to one of the band chicks, you think?

-Yeah, my money's on the base player.

She wore boots like that.

-I'm pretty sure they all wear boots.

-Stop saying that word.

-What? Boots?

-Yo, Rach, come here, you got to get this.

-What? -Shit, no way.

No fucking way. Yo, Rachel, come here.

-What? What is it? -Okay, you remember

Amanda Pears, right? -Yeah.

-You cannot tell me I could squeeze her

fat ass through here.

-Dude, there's no way. -There's no way!

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

-Yeah, no one like ripped off after asking.

That's why she can't a job anymore except the gas station

because she walks too funny.

Ah-ha-ha.

Fuck! It felt like someone pulled me.

-Yeah, you fucking tripped, dude.

-Guys, come quick!

♪♪

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Yo, did you guys do this?

-No fucking way.

-Rachel, look at this.

-Did you do this? -No.

-Hey, Ankur.

Surprise, bitch!

-You guys fucking suck. [ Laughter ]

-Do you seriously think some ghost set up your kit?

-No. Did you, like, steal this out of my house?

-Yeah, I fucking did. What are you do about it?

You going to cry about it? -You guys are fucking unreal.

-Big cry baby.

-Alright, everyone try not to suck, okay?

-Oh, for sure. -You're the boss.

-Let's just go. -Thanks.

-One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

[Rock music plays]

-Hey, hey, hey!

Let's go!

♪♪

-Guys?

Guys, what the fuck?

Guys, seriously?

Dude, cut it out. [Band members groaning]

You guys think your having so much fun right now.

If this is a joke, I'm going to fucking kill you all.

[Static plays]

[Laughter]

-Yes, let's go.

-He's so predictable.

-No, we like really got you with the whole... [Groaning]

-It's been like three times already.

-I know. Hey.

-Tell the people what you're --

how your feeling right now?

Mr. Ankur, tell them right here.

[Laughter]

[Chuckles] -What?

Dude, you have to admit we got you so good.

-Yo, it was fucking fun, man. Seriously.

-Yo, like, we're just fucking around.

-Look, it was my idea. -Come on.

-I'm sorry. -Yikes.

-Why can't you learn how to take a fucking joke, spice boy?

-Oh, what? -Ankur.

-What are you doing right now, bro?

-What the fuck? What are you doing?

-Don't be such a bitch about this, Ankur! Come back!

-I hope the bhuta get all of you!

-Ankur, come on. -Damn. What?

What the fuck is he talking about?

-So, are we still going do the jello thing?

-Four Bitch Cats. Four sex dolls.

Welcome back, sickos.

We've come to The Colony Understand

to find a very scientific answer to the age-old question.

Just how hard is it to crush four chicks to death?

Let's find out.

You guys ready?

Die, bitch!

-Oh!

-Oh, fuck. [Indistinct]

-[Laughs]

-Are we having problems here?

[All grunting]

♪♪

Die, bitch!

[Distortion]

-[Grunting]

-[Laughs]

-Fuck you! Fuck you!

[Banging]

-Did you hear that?

-Yeah, it must be a car outside.

-Close the road, dude. [Laughs]

-Jesus!

Ankur, is that you?

[Distortion]

-Get off my fucking stage!

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Body parts thuds]

-What the fuck?!

♪♪

[Heavy breathing]

[Camcorder beeps]

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die!

♪♪

♪♪

-[Snarls]

-Shit. Oh, shit, oh, fuck!

[Screams]

[Footsteps]

Please help! Help!

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, shit!

-[Distorted screaming]

[Monster growling]

♪♪

-[Screaming] [Flesh tearing]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Monsters roaring]

-[Squawking]

-[Whimpering]

-[Squawks]

[Whimpering continues]

[Footsteps]

-[Growls]

♪♪

♪♪

-May you peacefully go to your final resting place?!

[Monsters screeching]

[Body sizzling]

-[Panting]

♪♪

-[Snarling]

[Laughter]

♪♪

-Psycho, man. I'm crazy.

♪♪

-Please help me!

Please!

Please, anybody!

[Screams]

[Monster snarls]

Please!

Cut it out!

[Monster roaring]

Help me!

[Roaring continues]

Anybody there?!

Stop it!

Stay away from me!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Banging on door]

Let me out! Let me out!

[Monsters roaring]

No!

♪♪

[Camera thuds]

[Whimpering]

No!

Stop it! [Screams]

[Flesh tears]

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screeching]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static plays]

-[Distorted] You can feel it in the shows now.

Everyone's just so mad.

-What's a party without a little bit of violence?

[Switch clicks]

-[Distorted] Let's fuck shit up!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static plays]

-Quack, quack.

[Whistle!]

[Crash!]

-[Grunting]

[Footsteps]

Hmm.

-There you are.

[Paper rustling]

♪♪

[Bird screeches] -[Groans]

[Static playing]

♪♪

[Camera whirs]

♪♪

-[Clears throat]

♪♪

-Hello.

[Sighs]

♪♪

Hey. Um, I just...

Okay.

Hi.

I just had to record this video

after going to Beta Sigma Eta today and meeting all the girls.

[Sighs] No, that's bad.

That's bad. Okay.

Okay.

I just want you to know that from the moment

that I walked into Beta Sigma Eta

I knew that it was my home.

I want you girls to be my friends for life,

and I'm not going to apply to any more sororities.

I knew from the moment that I met you

that we will become soul sisters.

-A suicide bid? -Helen?

I thought you were studying at the library.

-You're only putting one sorority on your application.

A suicide bid. -Yeah, I know what

a suicide bid is, Helen.

I'm not stupid.

So, what?

-Well, so, if they say no,

you will be excluded from the whole sorority process.

And that means spending your entire freshman year

as an outcast.

You really want to take that risk with those girls?

-What do you mean, those girls?

-I mean, you saw the way they looked at us

when they showed us around?

You mean you really think they'll say yes

to people like us?

-No, not us.

-Do you have a cigarette?

I can't do this.

[Woman cheering]

[Horn honking]

[cheering continues]

Jesus Christ, Annie.

You're going to bring security over here.

What took you guys so long?

-Don't get your panties in a twist.

We had to get some supplies. -Oh, my God.

-Turns out Lily here really likes to party.

-Oh, we are going to party. [Laughter]

-You guys, you got it?

-You got the keys?

-My dad will kill me if he finds out.

-Yeah, but do you have the keys?

-You know I do.

[Keys jingle]

-Come on, let's go!

Come on, it's time.

-Hey, Lindsay.

-Oh, shit. -Oh my God.

[Laughter]

-We're going to have a fun night.

-Oh, my gosh. -Tote college.

-Isn't she the cutest?

-Welcome!

-Oh, my gosh, this place is incredible.

-Pretty cool, huh?

-Oh, man, we loved your message.

It was so heartfelt.

Wasn't it girls?

-So cute. -Adorable.

-We were so flattered that you would suicide bid

just to join our sorority.

-Yeah, friends forever.

-Yes, soul sisters.

-Soul sisters! -Soul sisters!

[Laughter]

-So, what are we doing here?

-Have you ever heard of The Legend of Guiltine?

Guiltine, was a pretty young freshman who went here to TCU

maybe 20 years ago.

She wanted to join a sorority, our sorority just like you.

-And she was desperate and alone, just like you.

-And the girls took her back here and into the graveyard.

And they told her that in order to be a part of their sorority,

she had to spend the night buried in a coffin.

Only they didn't just leave her there for a night.

They left her there for an entire week.

-And when they finally dug her up...

-There was no one in it.

[Laughter]

-What happened to her?

-No one knows.

Some say she just crawled right through into the underworld.

And if you listen closely,

sometimes you can hear a knocking sound.

It's Guiltine, desperate and alone.

Looking for someone awake who she can take back

into the underworld to play with.

[Laughter]

Drink up!

-Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

[Laughter]

-We have something for you.

-Surprise, bitch.

-No way!

-We want you to join our family. Right, girls?

We just need you to do one thing first.

-Thank you. Okay.

-One tiny thing.

-We need you to spend the night in a coffin.

Just like Guiltine.

[Laughter]

-Come on! [Laughter]

-You're going to have fun, I promise.

-Okay.

-You're going to be scared shitless.

[Laughter]

-Oh.

-Um, Annie, I don't know if I'm actually want to do this.

-Oh, come on, Lily.

We all had to do it.

-You -- you all did this?

-Sure. -[Chuckles]

-It really isn't that bad.

I promise. -Okay.

-There's enough air in a coffin to last you 24 hours.

The faster you breathe, the faster you use up

your air so you can't panic.

[Cowbell dinging]

-You can pull this cord at any time, and it'll ring the bell.

And we'll come and dig you up.

-But if you do, you'll have forfeited your place

in our sorority.

-Here you go.

We want to see how scared you get.

-And so, you can see down there.

-Just be brave.

It really isn't that bad.

Annie probably won't let you stay on there all night.

Take this.

Only open it when you're most scared

and about to pull the cord.

It'll give you strength. I promise you.

-Thank you.

-Watch out for Guiltine.

If you hear her knock, whatever you do,

don't let her know you're down there.

If you let her know you're alive,

she will take you back to the world of the dead to play with.

-She's just fucking with you.

[ Laughter ]

-B-S-E, B-S-E, B-S-E, B-S-E!

-Good luck down there. Don't get too scared.

-Oh, it's nice and cozy.

-Any last words?

[Laughter]

Alright.

[Static]

-Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!

[Lid closes]

-Whoo!

[Laughter]

-Oh, earth, earth.

-Oh, moist earth.

You took away my father and my dear mother.

You took away my father and my dear mother,

then take me also for I am very lonely.

[Laughter]

-Nighty-night.

[Dirt thudding] -[Gasps]

[Laughter]

[Breathing steadily]

[Thudding stops]

-It's okay.

It's okay, just don't panic.

Don't panic.

[Breathing shakily]

[Exhales sharply It's okay.

It's all just for show.

They're not going to leave you down here.

Come on, you knew they were going to do this.

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

[Static]

[Static]

[Laughs]

Oh, Helen, if you could see me now.

[ Laughs]

What did you do this weekend?

Library? Oh, that's cool. Me?

Oh, you know, the usual, just buried alive in a coffin.

[Laughs]

[Wood creaking]

No, that's what you want, isn't it?

You want me to fail so I can end up like you.

Sad and alone every Friday night wishing a boy,

any boy would ask you out.

But I'm not like you.

I'm like them.

[Chuckles]

[Exhales sharply] It's okay.

It's all going to be okay.

[Wood scraping]

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

[Banging on lid]

[Panting]

[Laughter]

-She's probably so scared.

[Banging on lid]

-The box, the box.

[Banging continues]

[Panting]

[Screams]

[Whimpering]

[Panting]

What the fuck?

[Laughter]

-Aw, poor baby.

-Poor Lily.

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Cowbell dinging]

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

-Oh, my God.

-She's definitely shit herself.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Cheering]

[Thunder crashes, cowbell dinging]

-[Screams] Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

[Banging]

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Cheering]

[Cowbell dinging]

♪♪

[Siren chirps]

-Get the bell. [Thunder rumbles]

If they find out we're doing a hazing prank,

we'll all get expelled.

-Fuck! My dad will kill me!

-No one's getting expelled.

We'll hide and we'll come back later.

-But what about Lily?

-I said we'll come back later.

Let's go.

[Camera thuds, thunder rumbles]

[Police radio chatter, footsteps]

-Hey, dispatch for 1061 at the cemetery,

do respond with an update.

[Police radio chatter, thunder crashes]

-Fuck this.

Let's get back inside before we catch pneumonia.

-Help! [Banging on lid]

I need help!

Let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out! Please!

Please, somebody!

[Thunder rumbling]

Helen, if you ever see this,

I just want you to know that I'm really sorry.

I was such an idiot.

You're my best friend.

You're my only true friend.

I don't know why I thought I could fit in with those girls.

I don't know why I even I wanted to.

[Coffin creaking]

[Water pouring]

Oh, my God.

[Creaking continues]

No! No!

No! No! Let me out!

Let me out!

[Sobbing]

[Coffin cracks]

No! Help me!

Let me out!

Oh, my God!

No! No! No!

Please! No!

Please help me!

Please help!

♪♪

No!

Help!

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Banging on coffin]

[Coffin unlocking]

Oh, my God!

Annie?

Annie, let me out! Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

[Screams]

[Guiltine screeching]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Glass shatters]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, my God!

[Sobbing]

[Water pouring]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Guiltine screeching]

♪♪

♪♪

[Distortion plays]

[Static plays]

[VHS tape fast forwarding]

[Fast forwarding stops]

[Birds chirping]

-I'm going to be fucking sick.

-Are you fucking filming right now?

-We have to get her.

-It's too late.

-Imogen, no.

[Water splashes]

-[Gasps]

It's empty.

-What are you talking about?

-The coffin is empty.

Lily isn't inside.

-That's not possible.

[Water splashes]

-What if Guiltine took her? -Don't be stupid.

Guiltine's just a story.

We were never here, okay?

We never speak of this again.

Understand?

[Static playing]

-[Panting]

[Light clicks]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

[Grunting]

-Hello?

Hello?!

-[Panting]

-Hello, Annie.

I made a deal with Guiltine that if she let me go,

I'd give her as many sisters as she could possibly want.

Her own sorority...

soul sisters.

-[Screams] [Guiltine snarling]

[Banging on coffin]

[Screaming]

♪♪

-Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Let...me...out!

[Static playing]

[Distorted music plays]

♪♪

[Monster roaring, weapons clanging]

♪♪

-[Groans]

♪♪

[Roaring, flesh tearing]

♪♪

-[Groans]

[Monster roaring]

♪♪

-Oh, my God! Anderson, are you alive?

-Tell it to me straight, Sarge. Am I going to die?

-Uh, no, no.

You're...going to be fine.

-My legs. I can't feel my legs.

Why can I feel my legs?

-Y-You're in shock. Everything will be alright.

-It's all getting dark.

So, so dark.

-Ah, dammit, he's dead.

I really thought he was going to make it.

Alright, no one else get bitten in half by the rat monster.

♪♪

[Game show music playing]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

[Chicken clucking]

[Cymbals crashing]

[Bubbles popping]

♪♪

[Splat!]

[Laughter]

[Boing!]

[Whoosh]

♪♪

[Upbeat music playing]

-♪ Oi ♪

♪ Yeah, boy ♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

-Welcome, welcome. Welcome to "Ozzy's Dungeon,"

where boys and girls battle toe-to-toe

for the opportunity to have their favorite wish granted.

That's right, folks.

Anything your heart desires can be yours

if you make it through the obstacle course

and into Ozzy's Dungeon.

Let's kick things off with our first challenge!

Are you ready? Okay.

And...

-Pop those balloons!

[Cheering]

-Oh, there we go.

♪♪

What do you wish for?

-I want to be the most famous and best basketball player

ever in the world. [Buzzer, cheering]

You don't want to get dunked on, fool.

-He's going to be alright, folks.

That's what makes Ozzy Dungeon, dungeon-y.

Here we go with our first aid team always on standby

to take care of the boys

and girls who might just trip and fall.

They'll be -- [Groans]

They'll be okay eventually.

Oh.

I think my tum-tum is trying to tell me something.

Anybody else hungry out there?

-Me! -Me!

[Cheers and applause]

-Alrighty then! [Laughs]

Who hasn't seen that movie?

Now, our first team to successfully catch

one of these delicious,

beautiful turkey tonkas in their pie hole

will go on to the next round.

Let's get started.

Ready, and...

-Catch that meat!

Close, Blue team.

Oh, Yellow team, we're going to have to open

that pie hole a little more.

Oh, there we go.

Let's go. Let's get that mouth open.

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

Oh, and we have ourselves a winner.

Drop it. Drop it!

Good girl. Tell us your name and where you're from.

-Donna, and I'm from Detroit, Michigan.

-Oh, Donna from the Big D.

Well, you traveled quite some way to get here, didn't you?

-Mm-hmm. We drove all the way down.

-You drove? -Mm-hmm.

-In a car?

What? You're couldn't to afford to fly?

[Laughter]

[Audience groans]

-We're actually doing -- -Alright.

So, now you know how hard the next challenge is, don't you?

Hmm? Now, not many people make it.

In fact, nobody has, Donna.

But I got a feeling.

Oh, yeah, I got a feeling.

And that feeling starts down in my feet.

And it goes higher and higher, and it rises higher and higher.

Does anybody else have that? [Thunder crashes]

-[Screaming] -Oh, yes.

Oh, can you feel it Donna?

Now tell me.

What makes you think you are better

than all the boys and girls that came before you?

-Well, my family says that I can do anything

I put my mind to.

I know I can.

[Audience awws]

-Right. [Laughs] Sure.

We'll see about that.

I like this one.

Okay, well, Donna,

let's just say that fate does smile upon you

and by some absurd miracle you make it all the way...

[Ting!]

What are you going to wish for?

-I'm going to wish for...

♪♪

-Any hidden talents out there I should know about?

♪♪

[Whiffle!]

♪♪

[Audience oohs]

[Cheering]

♪♪

And welcome back to "Ozzy's Dungeon."

I'm here with the two remaining contestants.

We have Donna from the big D, Detroit, Michigan,

and Timmy from the City of Angels,

Los Angeles, California.

Okay, so who's ready for the final challenge?

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

Okay, kids, we are going to start

by making our way through Ozzy's orifices

and make our way back to find

a hidden flag in the cracked rock.

Then up the ladder we go and through the mouth hole

and down the throat ended in this yucky, mucky mix stomach.

[Laughs] And then through the green jello,

we're going to search and we're going to find

ourselves a red flag.

And with that red flag,

we're going to crawl on our hands

and knees through the large intestine

and then out through the poop chute escape route.

Eww! [Spits]

Now, if you beat the clock,

and you get me that red flag before the time runs out,

you will be the first contestant

to ever to make it to the dungeon,

meet Ozzy and have that favorite wish...

[echoing] granted.

-Yay! [Cheers and applause]

-Okay, now before anything, let us have one minute

on the clock, please.

Wait, kids, wait. Wait for my go.

On your marks... [Cheering]

...get set...

Go! Through the orifices.

And they're off through the -- Oh!

Timmy, what a horrible start to the game.

Let's go. That's a terrible start.

Now go catch or get that flag. Let's get going.

Oh, Donna's already gotten that red flag

and has made her way up the ladder.

-Let's go, baby!

-And here she comes down the throat.

Alright, let's dig around for that red flag.

Oh, Timmy's closing the gap.

Oh, adventurous. Very good, Timmy.

You actually made it. [Laughter]

Alright folks, we don't want to get the suit messy.

Did we find -- Oh, God, you got the flag.

Into the intestine you go.

Timmy is not very good at all.

One of these -- There he goes.

Oh, Timmy almost stood up there for a second.

Okay, let's see who's going to make it

outside of this nice big, long pink hole first.

Who is going to make it out of the long

and winding intestine first?

Oh, there she is. [Cheers and applause]

It's Donna coming out --

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

-[Cries]

-No! No, Donna!

Donna! No, let me go!

I'mma get Timmy! You can't do this!

-Oh, Jesus.

We might need a band-aid.

♪♪

Oh, for [bleep] sakes. Don't get that on my shoes.

Don't get that [bleep]. There you go.

You're out, keep going. Let's go, Donna.

[Audience groans]

[Indistinct screaming]

♪♪

[Buzzer]

♪♪

-Stop the game, please.

Please stop the game!

-Wait, you mother[bleep]! -Please stop the game!

[Buzzer]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Tapes pauses]

[Tape rewinding]

♪♪

-...onna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

-[Sobbing] [Sad trombone]

[Tape rewinding]

-Donna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

-[Sobbing] [Tape rewinding]

-Donna coming up.

Ooh, someone's got a boo-boo.

[ Sobbing]

-No, Donna!

Donna!

-[Snoring]

[Static, indistinct shouting playing on television]

♪♪

[Television cuts off]

[Door bangs open]

-[Groaning]

-Take that shit off.

-Yes, mom.

-Do you know where you're at?

-Huh? [Coughing]

-Hmm?

Does none of this look familiar to you?

-[Coughing]

-This is my set.

-[Chuckles] It's a damn good replica, huh?

[Laughs]

Oh, come on.

You're going to hurt Marcus' feelings.

He worked real hard on this. -Marcus?

-Didn't you, baby? -I don't know a Marcus.

-Yeah.

-Okay, how about Donna, my daughter?

-Who? -From Detroit?

-I don't know a Donna from Detroit.

[Cage rattles]

[Music playing on radio]

We got a lot of kids on the set.

[Music stops]

-How many were made to [indistinct]?

-Ah!

-You signed waiver. You signed a waiver.

-[Laughs]

[Distortion]

Everyone -- everyone signs a waiver.

-[Laughs]

-Baby? -[Coughing]

-Baby? Come on, honey.

[Coughing continues]

-Who gives a fuck about a goddamn waiver, nigga?

-Honey, honey, your blood pressure.

-Mama? -I just --

I think I just need to this shirt off.

You fuck.

[Wheezes, coughing]

Just...

[Blows nose]

Oh, my God.

[Sighs] -What are you doing?

-That's better.

You know what it looked like to me?

Is that you motherfuckers created an impossible ass

obstacle course that mangled up a little star.

She was going to be the one.

She's going to be the one to get out.

It's okay.

But look at that leg!

Show him that mangled shit!

See? See? -Ah!

Why's it look...? [Coughing]

-Don't nobody want to see that on the big screen.

What does it look like?

-I don't know. It look -- -What it look like? Say it!

-I don't know, it looks -- -It looks like dog meat!

-It looks like dog meat, okay?

[Mumbling]

-Fuck you, asshole. [Spits]

-Don't do that, baby.

-I'm sorry.

We almost had a winner before everything was canceled.

Okay, I mean, the show isn't rigged.

--You showbiz, LA motherfuckers make my goddamn pussy drier

than the Sahary Desert.

-Sahara, honey. -Shut the fuck up.

-Oh, fuck.

-Let's just --

just say it's not rigged. -No.

-Would you can't prove that theory?

-What? -Huh?!

-What? What are you fucking talking about?

-Fred, get me the jug.

-W-Which one?

-The one that's not water.

-You can't do this, honey.

-I won't say it again.

-The fuck is in that? Huh?

-[Laughs]

-What the fuck is in that?

-Didn't I tell you I'd get your dream cast

if you did what I told you to do?

-Yeah. -The fuck?

My people know I'm here. -[Laughs]

-They're going to come for me, you know, right?

They'll come for me. The fuck is that?

Ah! Fuck! [Liquid sizzling]

-Honey! -Keep that shit away from me.

-Get him up.

[Static]

-Look if we gave every kid their wish, we'd be fucked.

You know we're on a budget. [Game music playing]

Ah! -[Laughs]

Oh, what's the matter? Huh?

Are you worried about that pretty face of yours bubbling up

and melting off on my floor?

-Just... -Huh?

Smell that!

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

-The fuck you doing?

-This is the first challenge.

-No, No. No, I need helmet!

-Three, two, one! No, untie me!

Until me! -Charge!

-[Screams]

Oh! Oh, fuck!

[Screaming]

[Groans]

[Screaming]

[Static]

-Are you ready for our next challenge?

Huh? -[Sobbing]

-Are you hungry?

'Cause it's lunchtime! [Laughs]

[Button clicks, upbeat music playing]

Alright. -What the fuck?

-Three, two, one!

Catch that meat!

-No! No! No!

-Ooh! -No!

-Come on, girl.

There you go. -No!

-Catch it! Come on, puppy, catch it!

-I can't really catch it. -[ Laughs ]

-Catch it. -I'm trying!

-Catch it! -I'm trying!

-Come on, girl. Let me show you how you do this.

-[Sobbing] I can't catch it.

-You got to go right up here and then...

[Laughs]

Just get it all up in his pie hole.

Ah, that's right, puppy.

Taste good?

-[Vomiting] -Oh, shit.

♪♪

-[Coughs] -Ah.

[Spits]

[Switch clicks]

[Upbeat music playing]

Brandon, get that damn camera off the floor.

♪♪

Okay, Mr. game shows host.

Now when I say, you're going to jump through these orifices.

Go up to the ladder, climbing through the mouth,

down the slide through the stomach into this pool here.

Mm-mm-mmm.

-Oh, my God.

Then you're going to find a flag.

When you find that flag,

you're going to come out this way,

go through the guts, make your way through

all their slip and slide until you get to the exit.

You got 60 seconds.

♪♪

-[Coughs]

-What's all the brown stuff?

-[Chuckles]

Well, it sure ain't bean dip. [Laughs]

-[Coughs]

-What if I don't finish?

Don't!

[Button clicks, music stops]

-Get set. -Okay.

-Get ready, go!

[Upbeat music playing]

-[Groans] -Come on puppy, come on.

-[Groaning]

-Make that run, make that run, make that run!

-[Groans]

-There you go.

[Laughs]

Yeah!

-I can't. I can't.

You still got more to do!

-[Sobbing]

♪♪

-Down the pooper shooter.

-I don't think I can get through it.

-Push on through.

[Laughs]

-[Whimpering]

[Gagging]

-Oh, oh, oh.

Time is running down.

Will he make it? -[Grunting]

-[Laughs]

♪♪

Through shit city.

Come on down. [Beeping]

-I'm coming. I'm coming.

I can do it. I can do it.

[Panting, mumbling]

[Beeping]

[Panting]

I did it! I did it! I did it!

I won your stupid game.

-Just couldn't do it, could you, son?

-I beat the fucking clock.

I beat the fucking clock.

-You're a few seconds too late.

-[Whimpering]

-[Laughs] So sorry.

-[Sobbing]

-Brandon, get him up.

-No!

[Static]

[Breathing heavily]

-No winners.

No wishes.

Just pain.

-[Muffled] What's this? What is this?

What is that thing? What is this?

What is this?

[Muffled talking]

[Gasps] Wishes.

This is all about wishes, right? Right?

I can help get her wish granted. I can help you.

-Are you fucking with me right now?

-No, no.

-I thought Ozzy was off world, canceled.

-I know where it is.

I know where it is.

-Baby, does that thing do super close ups?

Because I'm going to show you all how to make a goddamned --

-No! No! I'll take you to it!

I'll take you to it!

[Gasps]

I'll take you to it.

[Jazz music playing on radio]

♪♪

♪♪

-What the hell?

♪♪

-Security's gotten a little...beefy.

-Alright, that's okay. That's alright.

-We can't go in this way anymore.

We got to go to the back.

-[Whispering] What the fuck you mean he can't go in this way?

Goddamn it.

Lights bang, hums]

-You remember this, Donna?

-Don't talk to him, baby.

-It's okay. It's alright.

You leave my girl alone.

You did done enough.

-[Chuckles]

-It's okay.

Do you trust this guy, baby?

-Hell no,

but this is where we have to be.

[Banging]

-[Grunts]

♪♪

[Door bangs, creaks open]

-Oh, shit.

♪♪

Oh, shit.

♪♪

[Groans]

-Go ahead, honey. -Okay.

-Go on, I'll follow you.

-Alright, Donna baby.

Mama said she's gonna get your wish.

I'mma get your wish.

♪♪

-This is an actual cave.

-What the fuck do you mean an actual cave?

-I never been past the door before.

-Oh, Goddammit.

We're gonna be alright.

I guarantee I'm meaner than anything we'll find down here.

We want that new car and $10 -- $15 million. Okay?

-Don't' promise her all that stuff.

-Shut the fuck up, Vinn.

-Yeah, mama, I'm scared.

[Static plays]

It's so dark in here.

-Do you hear that music, baby?

-Mnh-mnh. -No?

[Bang]

Wha-- What the?

What's that? -[Panting]

-Baby?

♪♪

-Wait.

♪♪

Wait.

[Water dripping]

♪♪

-What?

-[Whispering]

♪♪

Here.

It's fine.

-What are you doing?

-It's fine.

♪♪

It knows my aura.

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Make it a good wish, kid.

♪♪

[Grunts, groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Indistinct whispering]

♪♪

-[Groaning]

♪♪

[Grunts] [Thunder crashes]

-Mom, Dad? What the fuck is that?

Mom, Dad, what --

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Roaring]

[All screaming]

-What the fuck? -No!

-Jesus! -Mom!

Dad!

What the fuck?!

What the -- What the hell she --

-[Screeching]

-Get down, get down.

What the...?

I don't understand.

What the fuck is going on?

-[Screeches]

-Oh!

[Screeching]

-What did you do, bitch?! What did you do?!

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Indistinct shouting]

[Static playing]

-[Moaning]

[Smooching, moaning]

-What the fuck are you doing, loser?

Hey. Hey, is that my camera?

-Don't tape over my new --

-Hey.

Hey.

Oh. Oh, you like that?

Oh, you like these? Yeah, I thought you would.

Yeah, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you like big boys? Yeah, I though you did.

[Grunts]

Somebody better call the vet, these pythons are sick.

[Knock on door] -Did you say something, honey?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't -- don't come in.

Don't do that in. I'm studying.

-Okay. What do you want for lunch?

-Hot pockets.

God, of course.

[Birds chirping]

[Camera whirs]

-[Chuckles]

-[Grunts]

-Holy shit.

-[Grunts]

[Truck squeaking]

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey! Hey!

Hey, you there. Get -- Is that a camera?

Do not -- I will tell your parents.

[Trash can crashes] No!

Goddammit!

-[Chuckling]

-Yo, shh, shh, shh.

-[Snickers]

-Shh, shh.

[Both laugh]

-Yo, should we get the cream?

[Both chuckle]

[Can sprays]

[Camera whirs]

-Do it again, do it again.

[Both chuckle]

-Oh! -[Laughs]

-Holy Shit. -Boner.

Boner, what happened, bro? -What happened, buddy?

-Buster. -Did you just jizz on himself?

-Was that streaming, bro? [Laughs]

-Whoa, dude, this is fucking crazy.

-Whoa. -What the fuck?

-Whoa, what is that?

-What the -- yo.

-Ah, dude, that's one gnarly ass snake, bro.

-Anaconda.

[Laughter]

-Look at that strip, dude.

-Oh! [Laughter]

Yo! -Eww! Shit, bro.

-Hey, Boner, for 50 cents, eat it right now.

-I'll eat your fucking mom for 50 cents, bro.

-[Laughs] -Yo.

-Oh! -[Laughs]

-I don't believe this kid.

-Yo, after this we should hit the stairs by Blockbuster, yeah?

-Nah, dude, RadioShack's so much better.

-No, dude, I was just there yesterday.

-Nah. You're tripping, bro.

-Bro, you know who they seem like to me?

[Skateboard clings, crashes]

-Oh, shit.

-Fuck. -Dude.

-Bro, you're good?

-I'm okay. -Oh!

-Oh, dude. That's not right?

-Oh, shit. I-Is this normal? -No, no.

-No, it is not normal.

-Dave, it's not real. There's no way --

-Okay, I'm telling you, it's real.

And you guys need to take this shit more seriously.

-Yeah, right. -Yeah, that'd be crazy.

[Laughs]

-Okay, you know what? Just watch.

Come New Years and all you nonbelievers

are gonna be fucked, and there's no way in hell

I'm letting you, either of you into my sick

Y2K bomb shelter crib.

-Oh no. What are we going to do without --

-Boner's bomb shelter, dude.

Open the door. -Shut up.

-Yo, what the fuck are you writing?

-My supplies, okay?

I need to have TP, condoms, obviously, and then --

-Why? -What do you mean why?

-I think the world ending is more likely

than you get laid, bro.

-100 fucking percent, dude.

-This is the dumbest -- -It's gonna work.

-This is the dumbest -- -It's gonna to work!

-You're a fucking idiot.

-Bro, it's for sure going to work.

I saw it on "Candid Camera."

-God.

-Look, it's practically invisible.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hehe.

[Laughter]

-Follow me. -Alright, play it cool, bro.

[Birds chirping]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Static]

[Indistinct conversation]

-Is he okay?

-Hey, ladies.

What's going on? How you guys doing?

-Hi. -Hi.

-What are you guys' names?

-I'm Cassidy, and this is Emma.

-Cassidy, Emma, Emma, Cassidy. Cool.

My name is Breckie, and my friends call me Brex.

Like music and stuff. Um, I got a question for you guys.

Um, I'm with some friends over here,

but we're kind of hungry.

-Is that a camera? -No.

-Are you serious? -No, no.

-Wow, you are so perverted. You little creep.

-Yeah, you better run, you creep.

-I like your dress!

[Laughter]

-Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

Oh, shit.

[Birds chirping]

[Camera whirs]

[Static]

[Camera whirring]

-[Whispering] So fucking hot. Shit.

[Camera whirs]

[Branch snaps]

-[Chuckles] Go, go.

[Laughter]

-Oh, my God. You weren't lying.

-Dude, she's out there every day since she moved in.

How many times can you clean a car?

-I'm telling you, my new top three in the spank bank,

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Britney Spears

and this chick over there. [Laughter]

-You are so lucky you get to live across the street

from that piece of ass. -Dude, I know, I know.

-Look, she's bending over. Look.

-Oh. -Oh!

[Cheering]

-Hey, guys, what are you doing?

-Boo! -Mind your business, dickweed.

-Hey, what did I say about coming to my room

with an invite? -Come on, Dyl.

-Out! -I'm not intruding.

-Now!

-Goddammit.

-Is he gonna snitch?

-Nah, we're holding his Warhammer set hostage.

We're good.

-Dude, let's go. -Awesome.

[Laughter]

[Cheering] -Holy shit!

[Barking]

-Look at her hand on that hose, bro.

-Look at that grip, man.

-Oh, yeah, dude.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -No!

-No! -No, move your van!

-Are you serious? -Right in front.

-It's bullshit, man.

-Goddamn. -Come on, dude.

-Hate this guy. -This sucks, bro.

-Hey, pull your shorts up a little.

-Oh, he's got to get ready.

-No shot, bro. -Hey, man. Hey.

-Oh, does he think -- -Come on. Come on.

-Does he think she's going to go for that?

-Bro. -Oh, nah, dude.

-You can see how disgusted she looks.

-Not that! Ow! -Oh, shit!

-She -- she just went -- -Wait.

Is that a new Macintosh?

She trying -- she trying to fund my college?

[Laughter]

-You could do my sugar mama.

-Oh, dude, you're telling me, man.

-Dude, he's still talking to her.

-Get lost. -Hey!

-She's walking away. -She can't hear you.

-She's not interested.

-Leave, dude. -Now. Get over yourself, bro.

-No! -No!

-No, man!

-Not the damn -- oh!

-Oh, shit, bro.

-Oh, shit.

-Get out of here. -Bro.

[Static]

♪♪

-What's with all the weird statues?

-Maybe her family's European?

-They are classy and sexually liberal.

-Mm. -Oh.

[Dance music blaring]

-Dude, that is what I'm talking about.

-I think I'm in love.

♪♪

-Ooh. -Oh, my God.

-She's going for the shower. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

-Please, please, please. -She's going to get naked.

-Please. -No, no!

-Don't do any more! -No!

-Goddammit.

-We've got to get a better angle.

-Okay, I will buy the safe from you for $100.

-Final offer.

-Be off the chain, bro.

You got Limp Bizkit, you got Creed,

you got Whole, you got --

-Hey, guys, let's her Boner out.

Let's here Boner out.

-Ah!

-Dude, I swear to --

-I got your concert. -Oh, come -- Shut up, dude.

-Come on, come on, I'm killing it right now.

-[Laughing] No. -Lame.

-Your brother sucks.

-Oh, shit.

-Oh. -Wait.

-He's got his little baby pads.

-What is he doing? -Fuck.

-I can't believe I'm related to him.

-Hey, look. -Oh.

-[Laughs]

-He's not going to snitch on us, right?

'Cause I need this, like, really badly.

-What the fuck? -Yo, you don't just walk up

and talk to a girl like that.

-Get away from her. -What the fuck?!

-Yo, did she just voluntarily touch him?

-Is she holding his hand?

-This is not happening right now.

-Whoa. -Is he -- he's going inside.

-Dude. Holy shit.

-She probably feels bad for him.

-Oh, my God. I want her to feel bad for me every day.

-Brady is a goddamn pimp.

-Hey, shut up, man.

[Rapid footsteps]

-Brady, dude, mad respect.

-Yo, does she have a boyfriend, though?

-What does she smell like?

Does she have the hot girl stink?

-Who? Sandra?

-Holy shit. -You're on a first name basis?

-Hey, hey, hey, let the kid talk.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, I'm supposed to go over and help her set up

a webcam tomorrow so...

-Oh, shit, dude.

-Sounds like a date.

-Yo, I never would have guessed he's got more game

than his big bro.

[Laughter]

-Yo, shut the fuck up!

[Clears throat]

I've got an idea.

-Alright, just level me. Is it possible?

-Yeah, I could install a spyware program,

but if I get caught, she'll -- she'll kill me.

-Then you'll die hero.

-Brady, if you do this, you'll be a fucking legend,

plus you can hang out with us tonight.

-Really?

-He's in, boys.

-There we go. [Cheers and applause]

[Static]

[Insects chirping]

-Don't look -- -Turn around!

-Oh, my God. -Fucking Brady.

-Dude, your brother. Oh, my God.

-Jesus Christ.

-Hey. [Camera whirs]

Maybe she's a sculptor.

-Dude, they kind of look like Boner.

-Hey, hey. -Okay, yeah.

[Laughter]

-Better looking.

-Shut up.

[Camera whirs]

-Dear, Penthouse.

-[Chuckles]

-Goddamn.

-Alright, alright, wrap it off.

-Mm, I need this so badly.

-Shit, man. -I can't watch.

-I'm going to throw up.

-It's okay, Boner.

-Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.

-Now or never, dude. Go, go, go.

-What the hell is spyware anyway?

[Camera whirs]

-Okay. -Shit.

-Come on, Brady, you got this. You got this.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, shit.

-Oh, my God. -You got to hurry.

-Jesus. -Oh, my God.

[Sinister chord strikes]

-We're done. -I can't watch this, dude.

-Fuck, fuck. -He's dead, he's dead.

-He's dead.

-Is it -- -I'm going to throw up.

-Oh, we got it. -Come on, come on.

-Did he save it?

-Is it...? -Oh, shit.

-Yo, that's some "Goldeneye" shit right there, dude.

[Sighs]

This kid's taking way too long.

-Let him do his thing.

-Dear, God, I know I never really pray to you

about anything ever,

but please do not be an asshole about this.

Did it work?

-We're in.

-Yes! -No shit.

-The kid did it. -Yeah.

-Hey, he was a kid five minutes ago.

This gentleman is a man.

-[Laughs]

-Hey, you did good. -Cool.

-Cheers. -Cheers, bud.

-Glorious.

-[Shudders] -Oh, wow.

-Technology is amazing, man.

-Yo, Boner, that's my computer. -Hey, Boner.

[Insects chirping]

[Game controller clacking]

-[Snoring]

-Guys, guys, shower time.

-Finally, bro.

My balls were about to discover a new shade of blue.

-Holy shit.

I can't wait to see those titties.

-Yeah.

-This is the greatest day of my life.

-Oh

-Come on, go for it.

-Whoa. -Oh, my God.

-Hey. What's up?

Y-You don't like the beer?

-I just feel like a creep.

-Dude, we're just having some fun.

-I know, it's just --

She trusted me, man. Just shut it off.

-We will, we will, in a little while.

Hey, Brady, where are you going, man?

Oh, fuck it. -The Internet is awesome.

-Yeah.

[ Bone cracks] -Eww!

-Yo, what? She's double jointed?

-Gross. -I'd still tap that.

-Contortionist.

-A wig. I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

[ Flesh tearing]

-Oh! Oh! -What the fuck?

-Oh, oh.

Uh...

[Hissing]

-Yo, wait, wait, wait. Is this that CGI thing?

-Man, it's still -- it's still kind of hot.

-I do not -- I don't like it. I don't like it.

-Nah.

-Holy shit. Guys, she sees us.

-Like, you need to call an ambulance,

the police and then your parents.

Call your parents. -I got it.

-911, what is your emergency? [Glass shatters]

-Yeah, I'm calling about a girl with snakes in her head.

-How many snakes, sir? -I don't know how many snakes!

[Bang]

-Holy shit. [Sandra screeches]

-Yo, yo. Did you hear that?

-What was that? [Footsteps]

-Yo, yo, yo. She's on the roof, dude.

[Roof creaks]

[Glass shatters, boys scream]

-What the fuck? -Oh!

[Sandra screeches]

-Oh!

-[Groaning]

-Oh no.

[Flesh tearing, boys screaming]

-Oh, my God!

-[Grunts]

[Monster hisses, body part thuds]

-Get the fuck out of here.

[Howling in distance]

-What's going on? -Watch out!

-[Screams] [Sandra screeches]

[Flesh tearing] -Go, go, go, go, go!

-[Panting]

[Head thuds] -[Screams]

-Look, we need to get out, We need to get out of here.

[Sandra hisses]

-Brady.

[Snakes hisses, rattling]

-S-Sandra?

We -- we didn't mean to hurt you, right?

Right, Dylan? We...

Oh, my G-- [Screaming]

♪♪

No! Nobody can kill him!

Leave him alone!

[Sandra snarls]

[Sandra screeches]

-No! [Screaming]

[Flesh solidifying]

-[Snarling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Static playing]

-Jane McAllister, 48 -- -Sorry, hold up your release.

-Jane McAllister, 48.

-Got it.

-This is where the vessel will lie during the ritual.

-Are you nervous at all?

-No, I'm not part of the coven.

I'm just the husband in the background.

But, yeah, I'm nervous.

-Hey.

Did you eat something before we left?

-Yeah, I grabbed one of your Gogurts.

-That's not a meal, man.

-I ate two of them.

-So, tell us why you volunteered to be the vessel,

and start off by saying

I volunteered to be the vessel because.

-Um, I volunteered to be the vessel

because I've always felt like I was destined

for something bigger than me, I guess.

Does that make sense?

And I just want to say, it is an absolute honor

to offer my body as the earthly vessel

of Our Lord Ukabon.

-Thank you so much, Kirsten. Good luck tonight.

-Yeah, good luck or -- yeah.

[Chuckles]

[Party horn blows]

-You guys nervous to see one?

-A demon?

-You guys are in for a trip.

-Have you seen one?

-[Chuckles]

Wait, I thought it'd be like New Year's Eve,

Y2K for the whole thing to...

-I mean, like, for big ones, yeah.

-Julia, the book.

-Got to go. -Okay.

-It's important to massage the doorway to the other realm,

but we won't call Ukabon into the vessel

until the stroke of midnight

when the veil is at its very thinnest.

Thank you.

[Switch clicks]

[Button clicks, sinister music plays]

-The window.... -Window.

-...begins to crack. -Crack.

-The gate... -Gate-

-...begins to open. -Open.

-The veil... -Veil

-...begins to slip. -Slip.

-Ukabon. -Ukabon.

-Ukabon. -Ukabon.

-We thread the needle with thy name

and pull thee to our earthly plane.

[Women rhythmic breathing]

-[Whispering] Troy.

Faces.

♪♪

-[Speaks in Latin]

-[Gasps]

What was that. -What?

-Hey. -What?

I think I saw something.

[Breathing continues]

♪♪

-[Speaking in Latin]

[Screams] -Something's here!

[Television shatters]

-Is that Fergus again?

-Just cast him out, honey.

-Okay, follow my lead. -Don't stop.

-We speak to thee uninvited. -Troy, get in there.

-Uninvited.

-Our anger thou hast ignited.

-Ignited. [Table clattering]

-All thy power we...

-No, no, no.

-And do cast thee back --

[Monster roaring]

-[Screaming]

♪♪

[Distorted screaming]

[Body thuds]

-[Groans] May?

May, I can't see.

[Heavy breathing]

[Thunder crashes]

May?

May?!

[Gasps]

[Insects chirping]

[Ground scraping]

♪♪

[Camera clicks, hums]

[Thunder rumbling]

[Grunts]

What?

[Groans] May?

-Dude, how do we get outside?

-Oh, dude, your head.

-Woah, stop, look out.

-Oh, shit.

[Thunder rumbling]

-What the hell? -What is that?

-[Screeches] -[Gasps]

[Thunder rumbles]

Hey, what's happening?

-[Snarls] -[Gasps]

Dude, what is that? -Is that a person?

[Flesh tearing]

-Hey!

[Creature snarling]

[Flesh snaps]

-Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

[Both scream]

-[Panting]

[Thunder crashing]

What was it? What was it?

[Whispering] Shh, shh! Turn the light off!

Turn it off!

Where's the button?

Shh, be quiet!

-[hyperventilating]

♪♪

[Gasps] -Something licked my hand.

-What? -Something licked my hand.

-Nothing licked your hand. -No, I'm serious.

-Shut up. I do not care.

Shut up. Do not turn on the light.

[Thunder rumbling]

-Oh, what?

-[Gasps] -Oh, Jesus

[Flesh tearing]

[Thunder crashes]

[Monster roaring]

[Both screaming]

[Screeching in distance]

-Oh, my God.

-Shh, shh, shh, shh!

-We're in Hell.

[Indistinct] I shouldn't be in Hell!

-Stop panicking!

-I shouldn't be here. I go to church.

-Listen to me, there's no such thing as Hell. Okay?

And you don't even go to church. -Help!

-Stay down.

-Hey! -Oh, shit! It saw me.

-Troy, shut up. -Oh, shit.

What are you doing? [Chains rattling]

-It's coming. What do we do, Nate?

-[Giggling]

[Indistinct talking]

-Wait! Ma'am, wait! Wait!

My friend and I are lost. We don't know where we are.

-Thou art in the feeding grounds.

-What's the feeding grounds?

-The --

Oh, thou art fresh.

What great sin does thou commit?

-I told you!

Look, Miss, me and my friend didn't do anything wrong.

-Oh, of course not.

-No, we really didn't. I don't think we died.

We were doing this ritual

with an old book, and everything went wrong.

-Book? What book?

-Troy, I think when those witches sent

that demon thing down here, we accidently came with it.

-Is that possible? These witches were trying

to summon a powerful demon into this woman's body.

-What name? What name did the try to summon?

-Shit, I don't remember. Something like --

-It was like Qui-Gon or Pokémon or some shit.

-The book upon the Blood Order?

-Yes! Do you know him?

-Yes. Oh, I hate Ukabon!

Thou art not far from him.

[Monster screeching in distance]

[Thunder rumbling]

-Eight minutes.

Troy, what we need is this Ukabon by midnight

when the witches take him through the vale.

-Oh, yes! And then we can grab onto him

right when they take him through, and we can go home!

-Yeah.

Please, can you take us to Ukabon?

We only have eight minutes, shit, seven minutes now.

-If I return thee to Earth, wilt thou write my name

in the Great Book of the Witches?

-Yeah, sure.

-My name is Mabel the Skull Biter.

I took command of 30 legions.

Hurry, run!

[Thunder rumbling]

This way.

[Creature howling]

[Thunder crashes]

-What are you doing? Keep going.

-[Speaking in native language]

-[Gasps] -Shh!

-I almost messed up my hand on these spikes.

-Get over here.

♪♪

-Hey, Mabel, can you go to Hell

for an isolated shoplifting incident?

-Oh, yeah, Troy, that's the worst thing you've ever done.

-What's that supposed to mean? -Shut up.

♪♪

[Laughing in distance]

[Music, chanting in distance]

-No, seriously. What's that supposed to mean?

-Shut up! -Shh!

-Remember, fresh souls taste best.

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Woman screaming]

-Mabel, slow down.

Dude, what if she's taking us to, like,

one of her little demon friends or something?

-No, I don't think so.

I'm a pretty good judge of people.

-[Gasps]

[Screams] Don't -- Oh, excuse us.

-No, don't engage.

-[Muffled groaning] -[Screams]

-Hey, keep moving. We're going to lose Mabel.

[Panting]

-Why are you stopped, bro? Go, go, go!

-Okay!

-[Screams]

-Mabel! -Oh, dude.

I almost stepped right into that huge trap.

[Laughs]

[Metal snaps]

-[Screaming]

-Oh! -Nate, my hand!

[Screams]

-Where did?

-Mabel, my hand!

[Bone snapping]

♪♪

-Hey! Stop!

-Why art thou raising thy voice?

-Maybe because you're leading us to our deaths.

Where the hell are you taking us?

-No one speaketh to me this way.

In this world, I giveth the orders!

I'm a servant to no one!

-[Booming] Great Order, return me at once!

-Mabel!

Mabel!

Mabel! Mabel!

Come back her, you oozing bitch!

-We're lost.

Nate, take the light. Give me a turn with that.

-What? No. You don't know how to fight.

-Yes, I do. I took martial arts.

-No, you didn't. -When I was a kid I did.

-Troy, just shut -- Ah, shit!

-[Speaking in Latin]

[Both screaming]

-Come on!

♪♪

-[Indistinct whispering]

-I'm going to stab you in the frigging face with this thing!

-Oh, shit, Troy! Troy, we're running out of time, man!

She just left us here!

-Maybe you shouldn't have been such a dick!

-Well, shit, Troy, I'm sorry I'm not buddy-buddy

with every demon hellspawn that I meet.

It's called leadership, Troy.

Somebody has to take charge.

It's not going to be you.

-Well, Mabel and I respond to a different leadership style!

-Help me!

-Mabel!

-Troy, don't!

Troy, stop!

-Mabel.

-Help me.

Oh, help.

Uh...

Ma'am?

-[Screeches, screaming]

-Run, Nate!

[Panting]

[Screams]

-Why do thou scream like cowards?

-Because there was this woman and then there was --

she needed help, but she's -- her arms were ---

-Oh, thou met her.

[Grunts]

[Woman screeches]

-They already got me.

[Screams]

[Metal scrapes]

Shit, man.

We only got like four minutes. We're not going to make it.

-Men, we are here.

Hither be the back entrance to the dwelling of Ukabon.

Here, where Worm had gone about her business, you must crawl.

-Troy, you go first. -No.

I only have one good hand. I can't go hold the light.

-We need the light.

-I can't hold the light and crawl at the same --

-I shall fix thy torch to thy head.

-Wait, what? No. Gross.

Nate?

Oh, man.

[Ground squishes]

[Insects chittering]

[Screeching in distance]

-Get in the [indistinct] Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

-[Screams]

Go, go, go!

-Troy, faster!

-I'm trying, Nate!

[Sobbing]

[Webbing snaps]

[Insects chittering]

[Screams] What is that?!

-Shh. Quiet, men.

[Woman sobbing]

[Creature hissing]

[Screams]

-Dude, you just pushed me into that creature thing!

-No, I didn't. It was a reflex.

Stop acting like I'm a bad person.

-Shh!

-[Gasps]

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

Snatch!

[Panting]

♪♪

[Chanting in distance]

♪♪

-[Speaking in Latin]

♪♪

-[Whispering] 80 seconds.

I say we make a beeline to Ukabon at 60.

-Okay.

♪♪

Nate, you really think I'm a bad person?

-You cannot be serious right now.

-Well, excuse me for thinking it's a big deal

that my best friend thinks I'm a terrible person.

-Shh! -Okay, Nate, just shut me up

and ignore me like you always do.

-You told my ex that I have a gambling addiction.

-Two years ago.

I was just trying to make her feel better.

-You never have my back, Troy.

Shit, 58 seconds. Let's go.

-[Speaking in Latin]

♪♪

-Don't forget to write my name in the book!

-[Gasps] -Oh, shit!

-[Speaking in Latin]

-Almost, Troy. Come on!

-Nate, look out! -[Screams]

-[Growling]

-Troy, just go!

[Creatures grunting]

-[Screams]

♪♪

-[Grunts]

[Screams]

[Groaning]

[Grunting]

♪♪

Balls!

♪♪

[Screams]

[Grunts]

[Laughs]

[Women chanting]

-Thee, the time is nigh. -The time is nigh.

-The time is nigh. -The time is nigh.

-The time is nigh. -The time is nigh.

-[Grunts]

-The time is nigh. -The time is nigh.

-The time is nigh. -The time is nigh.

[Screaming]

[Women chanting]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Both laugh]

-15 seconds.

-Wait! Mabel!

Come with us!

-Ukabon. Ukabon.

Ukabon. Ukabon. Ukabon.

-Write my name!

-Just go, go, go!

[Both screaming]

♪♪

-He's coming!

-[Grunts] -Troy!

Troy, we made it! [Laughs]

W-wait, why -- why am I tied up?

Nate, Nate, Nate!

-No! -Nate!

What are you doing?

-[Screams]

-How did this happen?

How did this happen?! -Just try it again.

-You think we can just do this again, just do it over?

Well, we can't! We can't!

-Another one is in the book, honey.

How did you let this happen?

-Well, the camera crew wasn't my idea.

-You're going to blame me now?

I cleaned for you. I prepare for you.

I stop up for you, and this is how you thank me?

-Be quiet! -Blame me?

You should have listened to me.

-Shut up. Julia, where are you going?

-I'm getting a mop.

[Static]

[Electricity humming]

[Camera beeping]

♪♪

-♪ Oh ♪

♪♪

♪ Sold into slavery down in New Orleans ♪

♪ Goddess of the bayou light ♪

♪ Black dog's head on the killing bed ♪

♪ Severed and left to bleed ♪

♪ There on fire in the corner of the world ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ There on fire in the corner of the world ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪♪

♪ Poison father of the human race ♪

♪ God of the tainted blood ♪

♪ Malevolence sneaking up the spine of the world ♪

♪ Ready for the bastard son ♪

♪ There on fire in the veins of man ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ There on fire in the veins of man ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪♪

♪ Wanna cross that line ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, sold into slavery down in New Orleans ♪

♪ Goddess of the bayou light ♪

♪ Black dog's head on the killing bed ♪

♪ Severed and left to bleed ♪

♪ There on fire in the corner of the world ♪

♪ There in misery ♪

♪ Lucifer's face in the mirror when you look ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a long way back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want to go with ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, poison father of the human race ♪

♪ God of the tainted blood ♪

♪ Malevolence sneaking up the spine of the world ♪

♪ Ready for the bastard son ♪

♪ There on fire in the veins of man ♪

♪ There is misery ♪

♪ There on fire in the veins of man ♪

♪ Left for God to see ♪

♪ Do you want to take a life? ♪

♪ Do you want to cross that line? ♪

♪ Because it's a long way back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want to go with me ♪

♪ Hey, it's a long way back from Hell ♪

♪ And you don't want to go -- ♪

-We thread the needle with thy name and pull thee

to our earthly plane, Mabel.

-Mabel. -Mabel.

-Mabel. -Mabel.

-Mabel. -Mabel.

-Mabel. -Mabel.

May--

[Insects chirping]

-Vroom.

[VCR clicks, whirs]