Original subtitles

(wolf howls in distance)

(bats squeak)

(owl hooting)

(wolf howling in distance)

(creaking)

(crickets chirping)

(creaking)

Ah, this is it.

(objects creaking)

(wolf howls)

(groans)

(groans)

(grunts)

(hissing sound)

Looks kind of empty.

Gee. Ya think?

Right. Pardon me, but may I help you two lovely lads with something?

Hey, boss. There he is.

-What do you know, he's a zombie. -Indeed, I am.

-Hey, true or false. -Yes.

I hear you guys eat brains.

Why, yes. I do enjoy a nicely grilled cerebellum with a side of chips.

(gasps) The bigger the better. (laughs)

Well, then, Floop, you're safe.

-Harsh. -Quite rude.

Oi! Hello. (grunts)

(hammer clatters)

Zombie problem solved.

(grunts)

He's so brittle.

Look at him, Floop.

One stinking, rotten bag of human garbage.

Yep. He's a real sack of crap.

So, why do you want him?

This man is Frans Pennywhacker. The world's greatest pianist.

I want those phalanges.

Oh, I get it.

I don't get it.

Photo. Snap to it.

Chop-chop.

Hold it.

Smile for the birdie.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, come on. You can smile bigger than that.

Oh, no. Don't do the finger.

Uh, what else you got?

Yeah, okay. We'll do that one.

(groans)

I sure hope all these parts fit together.

You know, a man is more than the sum of his parts.

I don't mean just a slapped-together superman.

Wow. How incredibly thoughtful and sensitive, and yet so insightful.

Come on. We have a lot of grave robbing ahead of us this evening.

-Hyah! -(Floop grunts)

Could we have gotten a horse for this?

Onward. We have little time to waste.

(Floop) I hate this job.

-(bell tolling) -(bats squeaking)

(match strikes)

(creaking)

(gasps)

(groaning)

-(cracking) -Ow! Oh! Ow! Ow!

The back. Oh, the back's out again.

Oh! Oh, no. Oh, no.

(watch ticking)

-(joints crack) -(groans)

Igor.

Igor, where are you? Come on.

Come out, come out. I know you're around here.

Come on, you little flying rodent.

Igor! Igor, where are you?

Igor! Ig--

My gosh. (grunts)

Right here, my lord.

Come on. My back's out. I-- I need you to do that thing you do.

Come on. Hurry, please.

I'll get those vertebrae as straight as my great-aunt Helga's knickers.

I presume it's the lumbar and that pesky L4.

Yeah. L4 and 5. Oh!

Come on, come on.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Do it. Do it. (grunting)

-Right. On three. -Okay.

-And-- Three! -(groans)

-Better? -(sighs)

-Better. Better. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, Igor, thank you. Thank you. That's good.

I gotta tell you something. Once you hit 300, everything starts to go.

And I mean everything.

So you keep telling me, sir.

Is Lily awake?

Yes, sir. She's out on a date with a Mr. Orlock.

Oh, that's good news. I really think she's gonna fall for this fella.

I know a love connection when I see it, and this is a love connection.

And I wanna tell you something about Orlock.

He's not only handsome, he's a real swinger.

And most importantly, he's loaded to the fangs. (laughs)

So, I assume you are Orlock?

Yes, yes. And you are?

Um, Lily.

Oh, yes, yes, Lily.

It's always so hard to remember the names.

I'm hungry. Let's eat.

-Okay. -(both chuckle)

Good evening, Mr. Orlock. We have your usual table ready.

Please follow me.

So, do you bring all your dates here?

Oh, yes, yes. Every night.

Oh.

Okay.

(Orlock chuckles)

(dishes clatter, break)

Oh. Whatever happened to our waiter?

He moves like a snail.

(chuckles)

Seems like they've been waiting a while.

They are dead.

(waiter) Who's hungry?

I have one Cleopatra special.

(exclaims)

No garlic for the lady.

-And one Anubis Salad, extra onions. -(Lily) This looks good.

(waiter) Bon appétit.

So, how is your food?

Delicious.

-(squelching) -(breathing heavily)

Um...

Oh, so I noticed on your dating profile you only listed two hobbies:

the Black Plague and pestilence.

Which I thought, technically, were both the same.

Exactly the same. I love them both equally.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I love it too. It's just, you know, kind of old news.

Do you like rats?

Of course. Who doesn't?

Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.

I have pictures of my fuzzy little nuggets.

-Oh. -(chuckles)

Somehow I'm not surprised. (chuckles)

Oh.

This is Eric. He's a naughty boy.

Oh, he's a cute little fella.

Oh!

This is Steve. He's a real cutup.

Watch out for his high jinks.

Oh, yeah. He's cute too. (chuckles)

Oh, this is Opie, but I call her Tubby.

-She likes to cuddle under my pillow. -Uh-huh.

He likes to sit on my head.

-Will you marry me? -(gasps)

-(Orlock) There she is. -(bride) Yes.

She likes to play hide-and-seek.

She's really big and fat.

-Roly-Poly Jill. (chuckles) -(laughing)

Pumpkin! (laughs)

(laughing)

Do you want to rub Pumpkin's nose?

Oh, I'm good. (chuckles)

Oh, okay.

(crickets chirping)

Come to me.

(wolf howls in distance)

Be a good little wolf.

Ah, puppy. Come forward and sit.

Awaken.

Oh, man!

(chuckles)

You are a difficult wolf to find.

Which is strange because you are the only wolf in town

that owes Zoya big money.

Me? Nah.

I've been around on the scene. You know, rocking and rolling.

I know scene. You are not rocking man on scene.

(laughs) Right, like this guy knows the scene?

Give me a break.

I get around.

Enough!

You give me money now, or Bela chop off your hand.

Okay, look, stop.

Let's not get crazy, but I gotta ask you a question.

Why you got a picture of my pops on your wall?

That is ancient, unfinished history.

Oh, I-- I don't like the sound of that.

He should call.

It is time for you to make the call.

(suspenseful music playing)

(laughing)

(phone ringing)

Igor, get the phone. I'm watching TV.

-(chattering) -(phone ringing continues)

What does he do that's so important, he can't be here when I need him?

(ringing continues)

Never mind, I'll get it myself. It's not like I'm The Count.

Yeah? Who is this? Leave me alone.

Yo, Pops! How you been, baby?

Hey, guess what?

You're very lucky. I'm in a good mood tonight.

I'm gonna give you exactly two seconds.

Are you ready? Go.

I know a straight as an arrow business lady who--

Time's up.

Listen, Pop. She wants to buy the castle

and transform it into a casino/theme park.

We can't lose. What do you say?

Get the hair out of your ears and listen very, very closely.

I would rather go into business with Jack the Ripper--

Who, by the way, is no Jack the Tipper.

Five percent tops with this guy. It's an embarrassment--

Than ever go into business with you.

Moron.

(sighs)

I assume you heard what he said.

All Zoya hear was big, big trouble for little woof-woof.

Funny. That's what I heard too.

-(gunfire) -(person screaming)

Nice neighborhood.

Um, so, do you live around here?

-Yes, yes. Just around the corner. -(siren wailing in distance)

Oh, well, that's convenient.

Oh, yes, yes. Very convenient.

(prostitute chattering)

I have a little surprise.

Close your eyes.

Oh.

Come with me.

Just over here.

-Okay. No peeky-peeky. -(shudders)

(switch clicks)

-(techno music plays) -Open your eyes.

Disco vampire

Disco vampire

Disco vampire

Love me, love me, love me, love me

-(song ends) -(sighs)

(dog barking in distance)

I'm gonna go.

(Lily scoffs)

Oh.

Okay.

(announcer) You're watching TV 666 Transylvania.

(anchor) Breaking news.

-What? What? What's this? -With Donna Doomley.

Good evening. I'm Donna Doomley, with breaking news.

Transylvania's favorite funnyman, Shecky Von Rathbone, has died.

Shecky was eaten alive last night by an irate heckler.

Your mama's so stupid, uh, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours

because it said, "concentrate."

You call that jokes? The guy got what he deserved.

I gotta get a job.

I mean, working at a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Sexy.

The remains of Shecky were taken to the Dew Drop In Funeral Home.

-(chuckles) -Shecky's death comes

just hours after the passing of his brother,

Shelly Von Rathbone, world-renowned astrophysicist,

sometimes referred to as "The Smartest Man on Earth."

Silicon carbide grains are present in refractory inclusions.

A mere child could trace its origins--

Shelly's body also lies in state at the Dew Drop In Funeral Home.

Although, it is unlikely that anyone but a complete moron--

and I do mean complete moron-- would ever confuse these two men.

I'm Donna Doomley, and I will continue to bring you the news as it breaks.

I'll stand guard from across the way,

while you steal the second-most brilliant brain of our time.

Question.

And I know what you're gonna say, leave the "science-y" stuff to you,

but why don't we steal the first-most brilliant brain of our time?

Because, my dear Floop, I'm still using it.

Geez. Conceited much?

No. Not conceited at all.

Simply dropping ice-cold facts.

Well, giddyap, little dogie.

And remember, Shelly Von Rathbone.

No other brain shall do.

What do I look like, a moron?

Don't answer that. I wrote it on my hand.

Oh, God.

(electricity crackling)

(bones clattering)

Nope.

Nope.

Bingo.

Well, hello, Mr. Von Rathbone.

Sorry, old boy, but I'm gonna be needing that melon.

(sawing)

(bones crack)

(thunder rumbling)

(electricity crackling)

(rattling)

(melancholic music playing)

(thunderclap)

(electricity humming)

Think of it. The brain of a supergenius

transplanted into the body of a perfect physical specimen.

(laughs)

So, what are you gonna call him?

Well, I hadn't given much thought to such trivial matters.

But now that you mention it,

Project 27-X-67-H-54 is a bit dry.

Ah!

As I stride this unholy planet as a modern-day Prometheus,

perhaps Uranus, god of the sky.

Seriously? Sure making his life a lot harder than it has to be

with a name like Uranus.

Well, I suppose you have a better idea?

Okay, go on. Out with it.

(sighs)

I don't know. Herman?

Herman?

Yeah. I had a pet spider named Herman. He was a swell guy.

Hmm. He's gonna need a last name too.

How about Munster?

Do you really think I would call the greatest creation

in the history of mankind Herman Monster?

Not Herman Monster. Herman Munster, like the cheese.

(mocking) Like the cheese?

Out of my way, you simpleton. I've got work to do.

Let's make history, Floop! Are you ready?

Three, two, one.

And away we go!

-(electricity crackles) -(Dr. Wolfgang laughs)

(instruments whirring, beeping)

Oh! Oh! I want more volts!

(shouting, exclaiming)

We need it! We need more power!

Don't do it! You'll kill us both!

(shouts)

(alarm system) Warning. Warning.

Give me more power!

Are you insane?

(laughing)

(exclaiming, laughing)

Live, I tell you!

Live!

(laughing continues)

Cut the power, Floop!

(machine powers down)

And done!

My creation is born.

I'm no expert.

In fact, you yourself called me a-- What was that again?

Simpleton.

Right, a simpleton.

So, take this in the proper spirit, but, uh,

shouldn't he be moving or something?

Interesting.

Anything going on in there?

No!

(crying)

No!

No!

(crying continues)

Well, what are you gonna do?

(Floop) It's alive!

Alive!

Ooh, no. Uh, I was talking about my pet cockroach, Ernie.

You see, I thought he was dead. But look, he's fine.

-(squelches, chirps) -Ernie!

Oh, no, he's still fine. Tough little bugger.

You have no idea what this failure means to humanity.

I could have changed the course of life as we know it.

I could have altered mankind's place in the universe.

-I could have-- -(yawns)

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I boring you?

(groaning)

Well, am I?

(muffled shouting)

Hey, don't speak, my dear creation.

Don't speak.

Save your words of wisdom for the grand unveiling. (laughs)

The world will be watching. (laughing)

(host) Live from the beautiful Carpathian Mountains,

it's Good Morning Transylvania.

With your host, the one and only Ezra Mosher.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Ezra!

(Ezra) Oh, hello, everybody.

Welcome back to Good Morning Transylvania.

I'm your host, Ezra Mosher,

and we are coming to you live from...

So, I really thought you and old Orlock were gonna hit it off.

Maybe you should give him another shot.

All right, so he's a little obsessed with the Black Plague.

A man needs his hobbies.

It's not just that.

I want a man that makes my blood run cold.

A man that every time he enters my crypt,

it's like a stake through my dead, black heart.

I could whip you up a hubby down in the lab.

Oh, no. Remember what happened last time?

It took us a month to get him off the roof.

He was batty, but he sure had charisma.

Eh. (scoffs)

Now, can we change the subject of my love life?

So, your idiot brother, Lester, called last night.

Mmm. Let me guess, he's broke again.

He wants me to sell our castle and cut him in on the deal.

Well, at least he dreams big.

Yeah. His dreams are my bank account's worst nightmare.

-(Lily) Hmm. -(Ezra) But before we do that--

Oh, my goodness. We've got a great treat in store for everyone.

Our favorite mad scientist, Dr. Wolfgang, is here to unveil his latest creation.

-Oh! Now, ladies and gentlemen... -(chuckles)

...let's give a warm, Good Morning Transylvania welcome

to the one, the only

-Dr. Henry Augustus Wolfgang! (laughs) -(applause)

Ooh! (giggles)

What a pleasure to have you here.

-May I call you Henry? -(squeaking, clattering)

-(Dr. Wolfgang) I'd prefer Doctor. -Oh, finally.

(Ezra) Are you ready to show us--

Raven's egg with a side of tarantula hash browns.

-My lady. -Oh!

Thank you, Igor. Looks yummy. (chuckles)

(chuckles)

Bring it on, bring it on.

(Ezra) We have something extraordinary.

And I know everyone backstage is so excited about what's--

-Your regular, my lord. -It's something very important.

Dr. Wolfgang,

-how do you answer to your critics? -Ice cold.

Some of the most substantial intellects in Transylvania

have called you certifiable.

Well, these so-called substantial intellects--

Well, they can just eat my (cuckoo).

And kiss my rosy, little (cuckoo).

-Oh! (laughs) -Well, Doctor,

now that we got that out of the way,

why don't you show us what you've got?

(drumroll)

(audience gasps)

(footsteps thumping)

Speak, my child of electricity.

Speak, my child of tomorrow!

Speak!

(groans)

(moans)

Oh, my God.

He is gorgeous.

Look at that head. Perfectly flat.

You don't see that every day.

Hey, can you imagine having a big maroon like that in the family?

I couldn't live with the shame.

Shh.

Dazzle them with some quantum physics.

(groans)

-(shouting) -(audience laughs)

Enough talking. Now a little music.

(creature groans)

(joints cracking)

(shouting)

(audience laughs)

Enough music.

Speak!

(grunting)

(audience laughs)

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.

Boy, I didn't know those things actually worked.

(laughing)

My friend recently died drinking a gallon of varnish.

It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

(all laughing)

Maestro, hit it.

(jazz music plays)

A horse walks into the bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

(all laughing)

Speaking of establishments, I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant.

I'm gonna call it Karma.

There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

(laughs)

Okay, okay, okay. I can actually feel my brain cells dying.

Igor, change the channel.

(instrument clicks)

(low voice) Don't you dare touch that dial.

(sighs)

Good night, everybody. I mean, good morning. (laughs)

He's perfect!

Ruined, I tell you!

Disgraced in front of the entire world by a dancing baboon!

Don't worry, I-- I got the situation under control.

I've been working on some really keen magic tricks.

-Magic tricks? -Juggling?

(laughing) Juggling?

Impressions?

Wait till you get a load of this one.

You gotta ask yourself one question.

Do you feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

Ooh. I get chills every time I hear it.

I've heard enough!

Oh, farewell, comrades.

Away I must go

to live amongst the beasts and the lepers

of darkest Zanzibar.

The old doc sure isn't cut out for show business.

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

You see, there are unfounded rumors

that I might have accidentally switched brains in...

Ah, forget it! It's old news.

Floopy, old boy, I've been meaning to ask you something.

What's that, big guy?

For some strange reason, I can't seem to remember my name.

Well...

picture it in lights.

The greatest name in all of show business. (imitates echo)

Herman Munster!

(rock music playing)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Beauty's only skin-deep, but ugly Goes all the way down to the bone

Downtown

Come on, boys, don't lag the beat

-(robot) Right this way, beautiful. -On the fast lane

Did you hear the cemetery Raised its burial cost?

It's blamed on the cost of living Look out!

Two, two, two!

People say I have a bad attitude

I don't, I just have a personality you can't handle

Sooey!

So what if I don't know What "Armageddon" means

It's not like it's the end of the world Hit it!

It's Herman's time!

Herman's here, look out!

Working in a mirror factory is something I could totally see myself doing

Sexy!

Keep up, boys, keep up.

Little faster. Little fast now.

(whooping)

(shouts)

Thank you! Good night!

-(microphone feedback squeals) -(applause, cheering)

(laughing)

I find wolf sneaking out back door.

When I hear dear Lester was in my club,

I was assuming he was here to deliver good news.

You own this joint?

Zoya owns many joints.

Yeah, I guess-- I guess I should have figured that.

Well?

Good news? Yes.

Well, I'm close.

I got a few irons in the fire. I got my feelers out there in the street.

And I'm pretty sure, with a little more time,

I can get you what you want. (chuckles)

I give you two weeks to get the castle.

Afterwards... (chuckles)

...your head is mine.

Nah, that ain't gonna work.

(electronic music playing)

I am a megabat

(Herman) I'm starting to think my material is too intellectual.

Maybe I should return to my vaudeville roots.

(scoffs) No way, man. This is the wave of the future.

-What do you guys think? -Yeah. They don't know nothing.

-See? They agree. -Don't listen to them. They're relics.

I'm talking about the long road to the tippity-top.

Well, maybe I should go a bit more mainstream. I-I am a man of many parts.

The honey-babies are falling at your feet. You're the man.

I'm not looking for honey-babies.

Hey, baby. What's shaking?

I'm looking for a vision.

A queen. True love.

Forget about the dames, man. Worry about the music.

We gotta feed the machine, and we gotta cut some vinyl.

The beast is hungry. And besides, Rome wasn't built in a day.

True, but I believe I was.

Yeah, well, that's beside the point. I need some hits.

-(guitar strums) -(grunts)

You want hits? Okay, I'll give you hits.

(sighs)

(shouts)

-(Lester panting) -So, you give me what I want?

Yes.

I will get that deed signed.

The castle will be yours,

and we can all live happily ever after. I promise.

-Get out. -(chuckles)

-(electronic music playing) -(people chattering)

(Lester panting)

What the heck?

Lily. I never thought I'd see you haunting these hallowed halls.

What brings you here?

Well, that, my dear brother, is none of your business.

I bet it's that new cat, Herman. I can dig it. (chuckles)

I was rapping with him earlier. Solid dude.

Seriously? You know him? How?

-You wanna meet him? -Oh, yes.

Mmm, but I don't know if I trust you making the introduction.

Consider me your bat-wingman.

Although, I do seem to be a little light tonight.

Danke.

-So, where is he? -Who?

Herman Munster.

Oh, oh, oh.

Your Romeo is, uh, just down the hall, last door on the left.

Or right. One of them doors. (laughs)

(howls)

(laughs)

And what exactly do you want?

Um, is Herman Munster in there?

-Maybe. And who should I say is calling? -Lily.

(gasps)

Why don't you just take a number and wait in the alley with the rest of the chicks?

-(grunts) -(clattering)

Well, hello.

Hi.

Um, I'm a big fan, and, um, I was wondering--

Oh, I know this sounds dumb.

But, maybe, would you like to come over for dinner one night?

Dinner. I'd have to check my schedule.

(chuckles)

-Please hold. -Hmm.

(Herman laughing) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Uh, yeah. I happen to have a opening.

Sometime in the near future. What night were you thinking about?

Um, well, maybe tomorrow?

Tomorrow. Hold please.

Oh.

(Herman) Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! (laughing)

Uh, yeah.

I, um, moved some appointments around.

I think tomorrow works.

Fantastic. Here's my address.

And we usually eat early.

Um, we?

Oh, my father, The Count, and I.

(chuckles)

I can dig that. The Count.

Far out.

Now, I know you show business people keep weird hours.

Uh, shall we say around midnight? Or is that too early?

Well, I usually have my bubble bath,

yummy treat and nap time, but yeah.

Midnight sounds great.

Hmm.

Tomorrow it is, my sweet Lily.

(chuckles)

Toodles.

(kisses)

-(crying) -(banging)

Hermie's got a date! (crying)

(Herman) I can't go, I tell ya. I can't go.

What are you talking about? Why can't you go?

I haven't got a thing to wear.

Herman, you got to take it easy. You're a stud.

She's just some undead chick from out in the sticks.

Quit being so dramatic.

Dramatic?

Lily thinks I'm a Hollywood big shot.

A swinger in the in-crowd. I'm no Bobby Darin.

She's gonna see right through me and know I'm just a big boob.

(sighs) I need the perfect choice.

Herman isn't some lughead who just fell off the funeral truck.

He's a man of the world.

Well, boob or no boob,

when you got hot wax like this, the world is at your feet, baby!

Word, brother man.

With a disc like this, who can resist?

So, Igor, which dress says,

"I'm very, very interested,"

but not "I'm miserable and depressed"?

The silk, baby tarantula web?

Well, um, yes. Um-- Well, yes, of course. (chuckles)

Or the faux lizard-silk chiffon?

Oh. Um, the faux-- Yes.

Well, you could-- (blows raspberry) Yes-- (chuckles)

Igor, get with it.

Yowza, baby!

Kick it!

Whoo!

(sighs)

Fresh blood! Get your fresh blood!

Fresh blood! Get your fresh blood!

Fresh blood!

Lilies! (chuckles)

This is my lucky night.

What else can I do for you today?

Well, everything looks so great.

I'll take a bottle of the B posi-- No!

I'm gonna splurge. O negative.

Oh, that's a good year.

It's two lei. And one for the lilies.

Three lei? Wow! Prices are going up.

You know, that reminds me. I bought a balloon yesterday.

I thought the same thing. Must be the inflation.

-(guffawing) -(laughing)

(rats squeaking)

Hello, Lily.

That's too boring.

Good evening, my dear Lily.

That's too uptight.

Yo, what's up?

(scoffs) It's too glib. Don't wanna seem glib. Glib is no good.

Hey, baby doll. What's shaking?

Let's blow this pop stand and get our groove on.

Herman's got the moves.

Back it up. Back it up.

Herman's backing it up.

Hey, numbskull!

What?

I said, "Hey, numbskull!"

Excuse me, sir. Can you speak up?

I assume you are the Herman Munster character

I've been hearing so much about lately.

Yeah, I think I'm the only one!

When they made me, they broke the mold.

With you in it, I presume?

No! I think I was out by that point!

Wait there! I'm gonna come right--

Down.

Are you gonna come inside,

or do you want to stand out here, swiveling your hips

like a rabid baboon in heat for the whole neighborhood to see?

I'll come in!

Why are you shouting?

I thought you liked it!

Why don't you come inside?

After you.

(shouts) Thank you!

(normal voice) I mean, thank you.

(sighs)

-This is for you. -Oh, yeah? What is it?

It's a bottle of O negative.

The blood lady said it was a very good year.

-Well, you're very kind. -Thank you.

The kind I don't need.

Hermie, thank you so much for coming.

I hope you like curried scorpion casserole.

I made it especially for tonight.

If you made it, I know I'm gonna love it.

(chuckles)

A matter of fact, I saved a special spot for it right here.

(metallic clanging)

-I mean, right here. (laughs) -Oh, you.

Oh, these are for you.

(gasps) Thank you so much.

Lilies are my favorite.

He gives her lilies because her name is Lily.

We're dealing with some serious brainpower here.

Father, that's quite enough.

Come on, Hermie. I'll show you around.

Yes, Lily.

I beg her to make curried scorpion casserole, and I get nothing.

All of a sudden, Mr. Herman Munster comes over,

and it's raining curried scorpion casserole.

(Herman) Ow! Be-bop-a-luba

How low can you go?

(laughing)

I mean, the songs just come to me. (chuckles)

I got a million of them.

I mean, I don't even know where they come from exactly.

But I got a lot of hot tracks up in this noggin.

(gurgling)

You know, Father, Herman isn't just another pretty face.

He's also very, very funny.

Stop.

(Grandpa) Oh, yeah. That's right.

Flattop here fancies himself a comedian.

All right. Dazzle me with your sidesplitting wit.

(Herman) Okay.

Here's one I know you're gonna love.

How do you keep a grouchy, old,

broken-down vampire in suspense?

(sighs)

I don't know.

How do you keep a grouchy, old, broken-down vampire in suspense?

I'll tell you later.

(sighs)

(guffawing)

Oh, you.

Okay. What exactly are your intentions here?

Because, as you can see, I've been around the cemetery a few times myself,

and you are not going to bamboozle me with your fancy showbiz fast-talk.

(chair creaks)

(sighs)

I assure you, my good man...

(grunts)

...my intentions are nothing but honorable.

Deep inside beats the heart of a simple country boy.

-(sighs) -In fact...

most of my parts come straight from the dirt.

Oh!

Did you hear that? You can't get more grounded than that.

A simple country boy, straight from the dirt.

Preach it, sister.

(grunts)

This is a bunch of cornball hooey.

Listen, Herman.

You may have hoodwinked Lily with your folksy gibberish,

but it ain't working on me.

Okay. We're done here.

Enjoy your scorpion, Father.

Come on, Hermie. Let's go for a walk. (chuckles)

Well, it-- it was so nice to meet you and I hope to see you again soon.

Over my dead body.

-That would be delightful. -Oh, ignore him.

Come on, Hermie. Come on, let's go.

Okay, Lily.

(Lily, Herman laughing)

Hey, by the way. Your scorpion is undercooked.

Igor.

Sir?

We have to do something about this situation.

-(wolf howls) -(crickets chirping)

(both chuckle)

What's that?

Oh, that's one of my gravestones.

Wow! (chuckles)

Oh, I hope you don't take the things my father says to heart.

-No. -He's a bit old-fashioned

and has a tendency to go straight for the jugular.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. (chuckles)

Oh, I didn't mean it literally. (chuckles)

Although, to be safe,

wear high-collared shirts while you're getting to know each other.

-Oh. -Hmm.

Lily, it-it shall be my mission in life to get that man to like me.

And when Herman Munster puts his head to something,

Herman Munster puts his head to it.

Unless, of course, it falls off. (laughs)

-Can I confess something? -Please do.

I knew the moment I laid eyes on you that you were special.

I understand if you don't feel the same.

I'm just a regular gal living a boring, normal life.

No, when I first saw you, my heart leapt from my chest.

If there's one thing I know,

it's that the rest of the world melted away soon as you appeared in my life.

Oh, Hermie.

-After you, my dear. -(chuckles, gasps)

("I Got You Babe" playing)

They say we're young and we don't know

We won't find out until we grow

Well, I don't know if all that's true

'Cause you got me and, baby, I got you

Babe

(crying)

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

They say our love won't pay the rent

Before it's earned Our money's all been spent

I guess that's so We don't have a plan

But at least I'm sure Of all the things we got

(laughing)

Babe

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

Uncle Gilbert.

Lily! (laughs)

(Herman) I got flowers in the spring

This is Herman.

I got you

-It's an honor. -(Gilbert) That's quite a grip.

(off-key) To wear my ring

And when I'm sad, you're a clown

And if I get scared

You're always around

Oh, don't let them say Your hair's too long

'Cause I don't care With you I can't go wrong

(Herman) Honey, put your little hand in mine

There ain't no hill or mountain We can't climb

Babe

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

-I got you, babe -I got you, babe

(applause, cheering)

(vultures squawking)

(Herman) Oh, look! There's one.

(laughs)

Oh, Hermie, it's so romantic here,

with the soft, gentle screech of the vultures circling overhead.

It sure is, dear.

Unfortunately, the clouds are clearing up and the sun's coming out.

(Lily scoffs)

Pussycat, this last week has been the most wonderful time of all of my lives.

Lily? I've been meaning to ask you something.

Oh, yes, pookie bear?

(breathing heavily)

Okay, keep it together, big guy.

You're Herman Munster.

You got this. You practiced it. Let's do it.

Lily? I--

What is it? Is something wrong?

Will you m--

(stammering)

...marry me?

Oh, Hermie!

You've made me the happiest ghoul in the world!

(Grandpa) Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Magic Spells

But were Afraid to Ask.

Igor, there's gotta be a husband spell in here somewhere.

Are you sure about this? It seems Ms. Lily is truly in love.

Oh, come on! You know and I know

that we gotta get rid of that bozo, Herman Munster.

-He's got no class. -Class?

Yeah, class. He's a stitch job from the wrong side of the cemetery.

He's not the type of person I want my Lily hooking up with.

-Hamster. Hmm. -Oh.

Hippopotamus.

Let's see. Husband! (laughs)

There's a husband spell. (chuckles)

I really think you should reconsider.

Whose side are you on, anyway?

Mine's the best one. It's the most gruesome.

It is not. Mine is uglier.

Oh, yeah? I've got the ugliest face.

Whitey, we're talking about the sweatshirt.

Sorry things didn't work out for you so great at the leper colony.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, at least you came home with that cool new T-shirt.

They gave it to me when they lost my luggage.

(door opens)

Hey, you're back! (laughs)

It's not a crime to go on holiday, now, is it?

Huh. You look good. You look good.

Something different?

New hairdo?

Yeah. New hairdo.

Spray tan.

So? How'd it go?

I'm assuming she said yes?

Oh, God.

Oh, I knew it! I knew she was a phony.

Vampire chicks are all the same. One bite and it's, so long, sucker!

There's always somebody that spoils everything by chickening out.

She said yes.

That no-good fangbanger-- Wait, wait, wait, what?

She said yes.

-She said yes! -She said yes!

-She said yes! She said yes! (laughs) -(stomping)

(Grandpa) Let's begin. (chuckles)

All righty.

We'll start with the chest hair of Tarzan

for that swinging vibe.

There you go.

(laughs) Oh!

And of course she'll want him to have some special moves,

so how about a pair of dancing shoes?

One from Fred Astaire and one from Gene Kelly. (laughs)

And to top it all off with a little swagger,

a cowboy hat of the one and only John Wayne.

(horse whinnies)

Well, how about that? The Duke did wear a toupee. Huh.

(laughs)

And now some wizarding words.

Herman Munster, dum-dum, will be no more

when you bring the perfect marrying man to my sweet Lily's door.

(cackling)

What? What?

(sighs) Always forget one ingredient. One simple ingredient.

Here we go. Perfect husband coming up.

(cackling)

(shouts)

-Wha-- What? Okay. -(jazz music plays)

-All righty, what went wrong? -(monkey shrieking)

Hold on.

(grunts)

This isn't the hair of Tarzan, it's the hair of Cheeta.

-Okay, time to shuffle off to Buffalo. -(screeching)

Keep going. All right.

Eh, you win some, you lose some.

(wolf howling)

(humming)

Lily? Is that you?

(chuckles)

Wow, hey, you're in a good mood.

Everybody's in a dancing mood tonight.

Is that a victory dance

because you finally got rid of that bum, Herman Munster?

(Lily vocalizing)

Wait a minute, what exactly is going on here? Are you drunk?

Did that good-for-nothing give you wine?

No, silly. You know I never drink wine.

It's this.

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, it is.

Oh, brother.

(vocalizing continues)

(crows squawking)

(Lester howls)

Herman Munster. How's it going, man?

Man, it's going great.

And you are?

I'm Lester, baby.

Ah, Lester Baby.

Your future brother-in-law.

I'm the one who pointed Lily directly to your door.

If not for me, who knows if love would have bloomed?

(laughs) It is so great to meet you.

So, listen, Herman.

Now that you and I are practically blood-related,

I think it's only right that I tell you about this sweetheart real estate deal.

That sounds boss, man. (laughs)

But I think it's best if Lily handles the finances.

'Cause I don't have a head for numbers.

Come on, Herman. Get with it.

You gotta get ahead of the curve if you wanna swerve.

(laughing) Oh, yeah.

What do you mean?

Now that you and my lovely sister are tying the knot,

what's hers is yours, right?

Well, you do have a point.

I assume you are the man of the house, right?

Yeah, well, I guess I am.

You guess? Come on, brother, man.

Stick that chest straight out.

-I am the man of the house. -(stomping)

That's the spirit.

Just sign on the dotted line,

and you and your lovely bride will be residing on easy street.

(laughing) Goody.

Lester Baby, you are the man with a plan. (chuckles)

(ominous organ music playing)

(hissing sound)

(whimpers)

(bats squeaking)

(crying)

(electricity crackles)

Please proceed with the vows.

Dearest Lily,

you're the hemlock in my veins.

The cobweb in my brains.

I wanna boogie oogie oogie till we just can't boogie no more.

My sweet pussycat.

(growls)

(joints crack)

I knew from the moment I saw your flat head

and that cute, little scar,

that I wanted to spend every moment tightening those neck bolts.

-(joints crack) -(moans)

All I ask is that we spend the rest of my lives

growing disgracefully old together.

(chuckles)

-And now the rings. -Oh, yeah.

Here. (chuckles)

-Yo-yo. (chuckles) -Yo-yo.

Oh, there they are. (chuckles)

Oh!

Herman, do you take Lily Crucilla to be your lawfully wedded wife,

-until a stake to the heart do you part? -(sniffles)

What a cream puff.

-I do. (laughs) -Oh.

Lily Cru-- Crucilla, do you take Herman-- Herman Munster as your--

your husband, until a loss of electricity do you part?

I do.

If anyone objects to the marriage of these two wretched souls,

-speak now or forever hold your peace. -Yeah--

I-- I was just gonna say good luck. (chuckles)

You're gonna need it with that big dope.

(snaps fingers)

I now pronounce-- I now pronounce--

(malfunctioning) I now pronounce-- I now pronounce-- I now--

(rattles)

Whoopsie.

(powers up)

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Munster.

Oh, yeah.

(Lily, Herman chuckle)

(Herman laughing)

Pardon me. Can someone please call 911?

Come on, Hermie.

Mrs. Munster wants to start her new life.

-Mrs. Munster. -(both laugh)

Bye!

He's your bloody problem now, mate. (laughing)

Whoo! (laughing continues)

(crying)

(Lily, Herman chuckling)

(Lester howls)

Oh, look, there's Lester.

(horn honks)

(howls)

(burps) Did I miss the wedding?

As a matter of fact, you did.

Well, then let me take this opportunity

to congratulate my baby sister.

And, um, my new partner.

Scram.

Let's make some money, brother.

(laughs)

(burps, howls)

(burps)

That Lester. What a character. Gotta love him.

Hmm. What exactly was Lester talking about?

You didn't give him money, did you?

Money? No. He's just tipsy.

You know how wolves get after a few too many. (chuckles)

I know my sweet, adorable Hermie Baby

wouldn't be dumb enough to get into a lamebrain business scheme with Lester.

(laughing) Business? With Lester? Don't be ridiculous.

Good. I would hate to think I just threw my life away marrying a blockhead.

The castle is now officially yours.

(laughs)

(howling)

Ah, it appears your brother-in-law is as stupid in the brain as you.

(laughs)

What about my green?

That's it?

That is what is left for you after our cut.

My advice to you: Don't borrow money from Zoya.

Trust me, you ain't never seeing me again.

Next time we won't be so hospitable.

Won't be no next time!

I'm going straight to Las Vegas.

So I can quadruple my pitiful stack.

(chuckles)

-Wolf never learn. -Wolf is stupid.

Merci!

French fries. (laughs)

Oh, look up there.

Très magnifique.

So romantic!

(laughing)

I hate to say it, but old Paris is overrated.

These are some of the homeliest people I've ever seen. (chuckles)

I noticed that too.

And they sure have a funny way of reacting to foreigners.

Some of these customs seem downright rude.

Well, wait a second.

I almost forgot. I think this will solve our problem.

(chuckles)

We'll have no trouble blending in.

(gasps) Oh, pookie! You look so continental and suave.

I hope they don't confuse me for Maurice Chevalier.

(laughing)

-(people chattering) -(accordion music playing)

C'est magnifique.

-(Herman) Oh, what a beautiful sculpture. -Hmm.

-(crowd gasps) -(dishes clatter, break)

Hey, look, a mime.

That's the height of French culture. Very classy.

Well, right about now I think I could use some culture.

(screams)

(all screaming)

(Herman laughing)

I don't get it.

That's the loudest mime I've ever seen.

Must be that new modern mime I was reading about.

(chuckles)

Oh, Hermie, look!

Oh, he's so cute! What a sweetie!

What's it say?

(speaks French)

Huh?

Monster haunts the sewers of Paris.

Oh. (chuckles)

Oh, goody! Let's go!

What a fun town!

(chuckling)

(Herman laughs)

This is so romantic.

It reminds me of the old neighborhood.

I'm surprised it's so empty.

I thought it would be crawling with tourists.

Well, this is why it's empty.

It's closed.

Aw.

I so wanted to find that little cutie.

Stand back.

(spits)

(joints crack)

(grunting)

(sighs)

Oh, Hermie, you're so manly.

(chuckles)

After you. (chuckles)

(both chuckling)

Oh, I think I hear something.

(creature snarls)

There it goes!

(Lily gasps)

-(Herman laughing) -(creature growls)

(laughing) He looks hungry.

Herman?

(growling continues)

Herman?

(Herman laughing)

-He's a cutie. -(creature growling)

Oh, he's adorable!

-(Herman laughs) -(creature growls)

(bell tolling)

(Grandpa) Wow. Boy, oh, boy.

Boy, that is nice. That is very, very nice.

How?

Look at this neck. It's completely natural.

Yeah, boy. Look at that.

(wolf whistle)

-That's what I say. -I'm really a leg man myself.

Preferably two, if p-possible.

-What's that? -Special delivery, my lord.

From Zoya Krupp-p-p.

Zoya Krupp?

Why does that name sound familiar?

I believe you were once married.

You know what, Igor? You're right. I was married.

Let me tell you something. I really dodged a stake with this one.

Yeah, she was a little wacky.

And she swore she would get revenge on me.

But, you know, they all say that. (laughs)

My dear count,

as you once broke Zoya's heart, I now return the favor.

Enjoy being a peasant. (chuckles)

(screams)

Good news?

We're being evicted!

How is this p-p-possible?

Because I have a complete numbskull for a son-in-law!

(speaking French)

(French continues)

Huh?

(singsongy) Lily!

Your lover boy, Herman, is getting lonely!

Almost ready, pookie bear!

How's the newest member of our family doing?

He's being just as cute as can be.

(gasps) What should we name him?

I was thinking Spot.

(gasps) You know, he looks like a Spot.

(knocking)

Oh. Oh, goody. That's the champagne I ordered.

Room service at this hotel is terrible.

Every time I order something, they just throw it at me from across the hall.

Oh, Herman. You have to remember, we're not in Transylvania anymore.

They do things differently over here.

Tell me about it.

I can't follow the plot to this Woody Woodpecker cartoon to save my life.

(chuckles)

(speaking French)

(knocks on door)

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

(knocks slowly)

Merci beaucoup.

Sweetie, I'm ready.

(gasps) Father!

What's going on?

This half-wit, blockhead dummy you married

just signed over our castle to my crazy ex, Zoya.

(gasps)

Well, let's just say that if I didn't swerve then--

No, wait. If I don't curve, then I don't swerve.

Oh, Herman. How could you let Lester drag you into this?

Yeah, now thanks to swervy-curvy here, we are effectively homeless!

Well, there's only one thing left to do.

What's that?

I'm gonna hold my breath until we get the castle back.

(grunting)

What are we going to do?

Who's that lawyer that's always advertising

in the back of the Transylvania Gazette?

The one that says he can win any case.

Shady Magoon. I know him.

There's not an honest bone in his body. He's untrustworthy, unethical and immoral.

Good. I will give him a call when we get back.

(groans)

(laughing)

(wolf howls)

Who's the freak With the claws for hands?

Zombo

(kids) It's Zombo

Who's the boss of creepy land? The king

(kids) It's Zombo

(laughs)

(indistinct shouting on phone)

So you've looked at our case.

(chuckles)

(speaking Hungarian)

Right. Okay, lightning.

Yes, I understand. Shark.

Oh!

Right.

Lunar eclipse.

(shouting continues)

Well, thank you.

Hey, that sounded promising. What did they say?

We have a better chance of being struck by lightning

while being attacked by a shark during a lunar eclipse.

In other words, we have no case. What are we going to do?

(chuckles) Why don't you ask magna-cum-dum-dum over there

what we're gonna do?

He's the one who got us into this mess.

For I am Zombo.

The most handsome man in Hollywood, California.

-Herman? -(laughing)

Herman Munster.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

Hollywood, California.

So?

I was thinking.

Please, please, please, do us a favor. No more thinking.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

if that guy's a star, imagine what'll happen when they get a look at me.

I'm a ten. Zombo's a seven, at best.

That man on the boob tube has actual talent.

Oh, Herman, you can't be serious.

I don't wanna leave our beloved home country and move to Tinseltown.

Crumble Creature Crackers.

As head of this household, I've decided.

Take it out of the box like this.

The Munsters have outgrown Transylvania.

And then you destroy it in the bowl.

-Uh-- (clears throat) What about me? -What about you?

Lily. You're not gonna let your lamebrain husband

abandon your poor, old, broken-down father.

Oh, of course not.

Herman.

-Okay, you can come too. -(laughs)

But all your junk stays here in Transylvania.

Including that freeloading Igor.

(plays notes)

No offense.

None taken.

(whimpers)

This is a fresh start.

All you get is one box.

One box is all I need.

(all laughing)

(wolf howling)

(Grandpa) Perfect. Perfect.

Well, Igor. This is gonna put a little flutter in your wings.

(laughs)

Are you sure about this, sir?

I'm getting on a bit in age,

and I could suffer from the side effects of the transformation.

Oh, come on. What's a couple side effects?

Um-- Perhaps I should stay.

I noticed Lord Grimsby is canvassing for a new pool boy.

Trust me, Grimsby Manor has no pool.

Then why would he--

Look, do you wanna go to America with me or not?

Well... yeah.

(chuckles)

Bottoms up.

Oh, that's what Lord Grimsby said. (chuckles)

(coughing)

(blowing rapidly)

(grunting, blows raspberry)

(babbling)

It's not working.

(squawks)

Something homey, with an old-world flair.

Preferably a tomb with a view. That would be nice.

Tell her nothing too showy. We don't wanna be the talk of the neighborhood.

It'll be bad enough once they get a look at me.

Paparazzi will be everywhere.

Oh, I agree.

Yes, nothing too showy. We're just your typical family looking to blend in.

Yeah. Yeah.

I believe I have just what you're looking for.

It's a beautiful property on a very quiet street.

I do love quiet. I just can't take a noisy tomb anymore.

The market in that area is booming,

but if we move quick, we can snatch up that last unit.

If it's booming, why is there still a house available?

Well, there is a situation on the street that needs to be relocated.

But once it goes, so will the last house.

We'll be arriving tomorrow on Air Transylvania, Flight 666.

Oh, Mrs. Munster, I must warn you,

I'm going to be heading straight to a Halloween party

after we visit the property.

So don't be shocked by my appearance.

Um-- Okay.

-Well, we'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye. -Okay. Bye-bye.

Hmm.

That was strange.

What was strange?

For some reason, the poor woman was afraid we'd be shocked by her appearance.

Women. They're always so concerned about their looks.

Not everyone can be as beautiful as you, my dear.

No, I guess not. (chuckles)

(flight announcer) Good afternoon and welcome to Air Transylvania,

Flight 666.

We have a flying time of 22 hours and 47 minutes to Los Angeles today.

Oh, it sure was nice of that flight attendant to bump us up to first class.

First class, baby. (laughs)

Although it was a bit strange when all the other first-class passengers

moved to the back of the plane.

Lily, my darling, how many times must I remind you.

The average person isn't accustomed

to being around people of such fine breeding

up close and... (burps)

...personal.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

But still, the way she was pushing and shoving everyone.

It was a bit aggressive.

Where is she? You know what,

I could go for another one.

Hey. Yoo-hoo.

I could go for another one of these drinky-poos.

Over here. Hi. (chuckles)

C-Can I-- Can I help you?

I would like another one of these delightful drinks.

-What do you call this? -Shirley Temple.

It's very strong. (laughs)

Okay.

Here you go.

Thank you, dear.

You know, statistically, flying is the safest way to travel.

No.

-(air lock opens) -(wind howling)

(flight attendant screams)

(flight announcer on PA) Welcome to beautiful Los Angeles.

The local time here is 12:47, and it's a balmy 79 degrees.

Thanks for flying Air Transylvania.

Oh, here comes our luggage. (chuckles)

Talk about service. (chuckles)

(warning system beeping)

Um, where's Herman? Herman!

Oh.

Here he comes.

I'll never drink another Shirley Temple

for as long as I live.

How do I know where they are? Maybe they got wise to the situation.

(high-pitched voice babbling on phone)

That's true. They are from Transylvania. (chuckles)

-(knocks on door) -Oh, wait! Wait a minute.

I think this is them. Okay, I gotta go.

Time for me to work my magic.

Greetings from Transylvania.

(Herman) That's a strange way of saying hello.

Oh, I guess we're gonna have to get used to it.

It ain't easy being beautiful. (chuckles)

Tell me about it. (chuckles)

-(Herman) Miss? Miss? Miss, wake up. -(groans)

I assume you're the M-Munsters?

I'm Herman.

And this is my darling better half, Lily.

Hello.

Oh, and that thing over there is my father-in-law, The Count.

Pleased to meet you.

(groans)

-Here you go. -Here you go.

(grunts)

So nice to meet you in person.

Those costumes really threw me for a loop.

And I thought I was taking it to an extreme.

Uh, well, way to get in the spirit of the day!

Thank you!

Ooh, what spirit is that, exactly?

(laughing) Oh, you!

Okay, my car is parked right out front.

Uh, I'm just gonna grab my keys. Okay.

I think when she said shocking she meant gorgeous, huh?

Ba-chicka-wow-wow. (chuckles)

Father, please keep your fangs to yourself.

Yeah, don't blow this.

Follow me.

(horn honking)

-Hi, hi, hi. -Hi, hi.

(tires squeal)

(siren wailing)

Lily, I want a picture of you.

I don't feel good.

(children laughing)

(children laughing, chattering)

(cackling)

Just in case you're wondering, this is the party I'm all gussied up for.

The residents throw a big Halloween bash every year.

Boy, we sure picked a happening area.

I'm getting a little worried we might be too boring for this hipster neighborhood.

Speak for yourself.

I'm always the first on the dance floor at every funeral.

-I bet you are. -(chuckles)

(tires screech)

(child) You look so good!

Happy Halloween.

Oh, my! What beautiful children.

(Barbara) Are you planning on having kids?

Well, I'm a little young for children. I'm only 150.

Although you know what they say.

What-- What's that?

150 is the new 100.

Oh. Oh! (laughs)

You are a trip.

(Herman guffaws)

A trip?

-Hollywood lingo. -Oh!

Well, what do you think? Cute, right?

Oh, my!

Herman?

I know. It's perfect.

It's more than perfect, it's breathtaking.

I've always wanted to be featured in Better Tombs and Gardens.

Uh, okay, you crazy jokesters. Uh, follow me.

Herman, why is she walking towards that hideous monstrosity?

I think Barbara is trying to swindle us into buying that abomination.

She must think we're yokels straight off the garlic wagon.

(groans) Herman, deal with this! Show her who you're made of.

Yeah, you're the man of the house.

Look, Barbara.

I must inform you that we Munsters were not born yesterday.

I mean, some of my parts were, of course-- But that's besides the point.

I want this house.

(thunder rumbling)

-And I'm not gonna pay more than-- -Sold.

Please, please. Don't argue with me.

You'll only embarrass yourself.

Let's be civilized.

Whatever you say. The house is yours.

Ha!

Now, now, you don't want me to get tough.

What?

Wait. What'd you just say?

The house is yours.

This place has been a thorn in my butt for the past two years.

If you wanna buy it and restore it to its former glory,

then you just go for it, honey!

And another thing, we don't want one grave moved.

We're very sociable people.

Um, okay. No problem.

If you think it looks wonderful now, just wait until we get finished with it.

I can't wait to start poking around the backyard.

-Who knows who I might find? -(chuckling)

So, when do you wanna move in?

(all) Right now!

(clock ticking)

Well, now what?

We've got the house of our dreams, but we are flat broke.

I guess we all have to get jobs.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm the man of the house.

Tomorrow I'll go out and get a job.

Doing what, exactly?

I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty sure any business

would wanna have me around the office as eye candy.

-(person screams) -What's that sound?

You know what that sounds like? A witch burning.

(gasps)

-(people chattering) -(upbeat music playing)

Lily! Come look!

Well, I guess we should check it out.

(people chattering in distance)

Yeah, okay.

Oh, my!

(electronic music playing)

El vampiro

I think now would be the perfect time

to go out and introduce ourselves to the neighbors.

That's a grand idea. We don't want them thinking that the Munsters are snobs.

Speak for yourself.

We come from a long line of bluebloods.

Snobbery is in our veins.

(music continues)

El vampiro

Vampiro

Taste enough fresh blood

I feel no remorse

Why, why?

Why?

El vampiro

(applause, cheering)

(Herman laughs)

Where do you go When your loved ones drop dead?

To Gateman, Goodbury and Graves

What do you do When they turn stiff as lead?

Call Gateman, Goodbury and Graves

-(applause) -(Herman laughs)

Very good. I think it's going to be a hit.

It is now time to announce the winner.

Oh!

We have been secretly monitoring your attire

throughout the festivities

and have made our decisions.

And all decisions are final.

Much like the icy touch of the Grim Reaper.

(chuckles)

That was a joke.

(Herman laughs)

The winner is...

(drumroll)

...the Munster family!

-(Grandpa) Oh! -(applause)

Herman, why is everyone staring at us?

I think we just won.

What did we win?

Well, it's obviously a beauty contest. (chuckles)

I say we grab the dough and get out of here before they change their mind.

Gaze upon these glorious rags of horror.

-(applause) -(audience exclaiming)

Well, uh, this is quite the welcome.

Uh, you see, um-- uh, my family and I just moved to this neighborhood

only one hour ago.

We are now the proud owner of that beautiful little number, 1313.

(audience laughing)

This is my beautiful wife, Lily. She's dressed to kill.

Unfortunately, she cooks the same way. (laughs)

Okay, I think that's quite enough.

Okay, okay. Hey, everybody, thanks so much for the moola.

And if anyone's hiring, my dopey son-in-law's looking for a job.

Okay, thank you! Come on.

-We're number one! -Okay.

We're number one!

(cheering)

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll have to visit you. Thank you.

A ghost walks into the bar and orders a shot of vodka.

Listen, there's no blood in this. I don't know, someone's playing a joke.

Well, yes. You know...

And the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

(laughs)

Excuse me! Uh, Lily! Oh, hi!

Uh, why don't we, uh, go over here?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I got a million, believe me. Fellas, you're gonna love it.

Oh.

Is it true you are looking for gainful employment?

Uh, because if it is, we might have something of interest to you.

Well, I hope it's in the entertainment business.

No, we're in the business of death.

The finest funeral parlor in all of Mockingbird Heights.

I am Mr. Gateman.

I am Mr. Goodbury.

And I am Mr. Graves.

Funeral parlor.

I think I can dig that.

We need a man to move some of our larger clients from box to box.

I've got experience in that.

We don't like to leave the stiffs lying around for more than 48 hours or so.

They, uh, tend to ferment.

Have you fellas heard about the new glass coffins?

We have not. Are they successful?

Remains to be seen, Mr. Gateman.

Remains to be seen.

(laughing)

(laughing) After you, my dear.

Boy, what a fun group!

I have to admit, I haven't had that much fun since storming the Bastille.

Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm exhausted.

Those neighbors sure can talk your ears off.

Oh, what's wrong?

I'm just checking to see if my ears are still there.

I'd hate to lose one. Makes my reading glasses hang funny.

(laughs)

Okay, I'm gonna hit the slab.

-Good nightmare! -(Grandpa chuckles)

Good night to you My dear father-in-law

(shouts) Darn, darn, darn!

Oh, Hermie, you're so talented.

(actor 1 on TV) I loved you once, but now you belong with the dead.

I want to live. Even in this strange, new world.

Oh, yeah!

Herman, what're you doing?

Just practicing a few moves.

Thursday night is League Night at the parlor.

I thought you hated bowling.

Besides, you haven't even started your new job yet.

Trying to get ready. Can't let the fellas down.

I know, but let's not get carried away.

(actor 2 on TV) It's dead!

(actor 3) For thy sake, I was buried alive.

Come to bed, dear.

You don't wanna be tired for your first day of work.

I really like that Mr. Gateman.

He paid me the nicest compliment.

Oh, what was it?

He said, "Munster, you have a face for funerals."

How sweet. And how true.

(actor 1 on TV) Let me go! Let me go! Don't kill me!

Still got it.

Mmm!

(chuckles)

So what do you have planned for today?

Oh, I was gonna hang around the house for a little while,

see if I can figure out a way to turn Igor back into his old self.

Oh, I kind of like the new Igor. He's got a lot more pep.

Yeah.

(squawks)

The time is get-to-work, you big dummy. Nevermore.

Oh, golly. I'm gonna be late.

Don't forget your lunch.

I made you a special surprise for your first day.

Chocolate chip cookies shaped like Mickey Mouse?

You'll find out at lunch.

Gotta boogie.

Knock 'em dead.

I'm pretty sure they already are.

But it's always good to double-check.

(laughs)

Have fun.

-(slurps, burps) -(groans)

Bummer. What a crummy day.

(children laughing)

(baby cries)

(screaming)

(bicycle bell dings)

(screams)

Lily! Lily, come quick!

911 emergency.

Car 54, where are you?

Herman, what is the matter?

It's a freak show out there.

Everywhere you look, it's more horrible than the next.

I think we've been invaded by outer space mutants.

What are you talking about?

All the beautiful people from last night

have been replaced by these hideous creatures.

Oh, Herman. Don't be so dramatic.

Everybody looks different in the daylight. Let me take a look.

No, don't. Don't, don't!

I can't look.

The horror.

(people chattering, laughing)

-I, for one, just don't understand it. -Neither do I.

What happened to all the hotties from last night?

What are we gonna do?

We can't live like this, with people that look like that.

I agree with my favorite son-in-law.

-It's a disgrace! -Yeah.

Herman Munster. I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I expect this from my father, but you?

Everyone can't be as fortunate as us.

It's what's inside a person that counts.

(mouths)

Well then, I'm gonna need a pair of X-ray glasses

because I can't handle the outside.

He's right. I haven't seen anything that gruesome in all of my lives.

-(banging on door) -Oh, no! It's one of those freaks.

Don't answer it.

We are going to answer that door as a family

and greet whoever is there as our equal.

(breathes heavily)

Okay, but I hope this lessens the shock.

Follow me.

Your wife is scary.

I know.

Lily!

Lester.

What are you doing here?

You got a lot of nerve coming here, buster.

After what you pulled, I oughta belt you right in the kisser.

Herman, baby. Before you go all ape on me, I got a surprise.

I made a killing in Vegas after that castle deal.

And here's your share!

(Lester laughs)

-What's it say? -(Grandpa) Come on, spit it out.

Herman.

-I'm rich. -(gasps)

-I'm rich! I'm rich! -What?

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

(all laughing)

(howls)

("Theme From The Munsters" plays)

("They Are The Munsters" playing)

Way back home in Transylvania

Through the fog and gloom

I think I see a light Burning in the castle

Must be the coffin room

Now sleeping in the box lies Lily

Oh, man, she's a groovy chick

And way down in the dungeon

Her father, The Count, of magic tricks

Ooh, they are the Munsters

They're freaky, cuckoo And a little insane

Ah, they are the Munsters

They're loud in town On Mockingbird Lane

Remember, if the tomb is rocking Don't come knocking

(laughing)

Up the road Comes a tall, green stranger

His head is large and flat

Electric bolts protrude from his neck

That's Hermie, a wild, crazy cat

He's come to see dear Lily

A soul mate from the grave

He loves her with his blackened heart

Like a coffin of bats loves a cave

Ooh, they are the Munsters

They're freaky, cuckoo And a little insane

Ah, they are the Munsters

They're loud in town On Mockingbird Lane

Ah, this song makes me want to dance

I must be a boogeyman

Ha-ha-ha!

Now soaring above the old cemetery

Is a fine old bat named Igor

He's heading straight To the Munster house

A dwelling some consider an eyesore

Ah, but the neighbors don't understand

What madness happens inside

And the wacky hype truths These Munsters create

Every minute's Like the Salem witch trials

(laughing)

Ooh, they are the Munsters

They're freaky, cuckoo And a little insane

Ah, they are the Munsters

They're loud in town On Mockingbird Lane

Freaky, freaky Mockingbird Lane

Freaky, freaky, a little insane

Freaky, freaky Mockingbird Lane

Freaky, freaky, a little insane

(bats squeaking)