Original subtitles

MAN: No object in the endless sea of space

has aroused man's curiosity more than the planet Mars.

In particular,

the shape and form of Martian life.

For centuries,

astronomers have searched in vain

to solve this mystery.

It has challenged the creativity

of the world's greatest writers

and the imagination of its most gifted artists.

Some envisioned Martians as huge bird-like beasts.

Others described fantastic serpents of incredible size,

grotesque, tentacled creatures.

Shapes, sizes and forms

beyond man's wildest imagination.

Animal, vegetable, mineral,

even mechanical creatures of enormous destructive power,

but all this is conjecture.

At last, you will learn the simple truth

about life on Mars.

As Normandy Productions lights the fuse

that put The Three Stooges in Orbit...

Where you will meet the true image

of the men from Mars.

Hollywood, California, glamour capital of the world,

where movie history was first written

by such greats as Valentino, Fairbanks, Pickford.

Today, a new chapter, television,

and carrying on

in the tradition of the immortals

we find...

* Home cooking Home cooking

* Nothing suits you Like home cooking

* Ha-dah, delicious rolls Delicious rolls *

Hey, hey, hey, Caruso, Caruso,

you want the manager should hear you?

If she finds out we're cooking in our room,

we're goners.

You know the trouble we had finding this place.

You'd better start cooking for the TV show for tomorrow,

or you'll answer to me.

Now, sound off.

Okay, chief.

Hello, everybody.

It gives me great pleasure

on this monotonous occasion...

Hey, hey, hey,

it's "momentous," "mo-mentous."

Now, what are you giving me two words for

when I'm having so much trouble with one?

Shut up!

Ooh! Ooh.

[KNOCKING]

WOMAN: I smell cooking in there!

Battle stations.

Now open the door, or I'll use my pass key.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Let old buzzard-face in.

Hey, jughead...

The hat, the hat.

Oh, Mrs. McGinnis,

you're looking the same as ever.

Thank you.

[SNIFFING]

Now, I know I detect the odor of cooking in this room,

which this hotel will not tolerate!

Cooking? What a lively imagination.

I dare say, it's the aroma

from the beanery across the street.

It floats in here all day long.

Well, you know the rules, and as the manager here, I...

[GUNSHOTS ON TELEVISION]

Do you have to play that so loud?

Well, you know what this means!

Yeah, it means goodbye.

Oh...

Bye!

Ooh!

Yeah, boy, oh... Now, remember,

the last place was the 10th place we were thrown out of,

so watch your P's and Q's! All right!

Wait a minute, fellows, get a load of this.

"Lonely retired gentleman desires boarders--

home cooking."

Home cooking? Where is this idyllic habitation?

Oh, those kind of words you can say?

Yeah.

Why, where is it?

It's Hawkhill Manor in Lompoc.

Lompoc?

Well, Lompoc, here we come.

[HOWLING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Boy, oh, boy!

ECHOES: Boy, oh, boy!

Yoo-hoo!

ECHOES: Yoo-hoo!

An echo.

Looks like a country club for zombies.

You ought to know.

[SLAPS ECHOING] Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, I heard it the first time.

Welcome to Hawkhill, gentlemen,

I'm Professor Danforth.

Hi. Hi.

You came in answer to my advertisement?

Yes, we did.

Quite a cozy place you got here. Thank you.

Great grandfather built it

over 100 years ago.

No. Doesn't look a day over 98.

Thank you,

and won't you come in, please?

Okay.

As you can see, I've got lots of room here, plenty of--

Oh! I see you're interested

in my new invention.

This, gentlemen,

is my all-purpose military vehicle.

The full-scale model is nearing completion

in my workshop.

I've been working on it for months.

Here are the plans.

This button operates it underwater,

this one propels it up in the air,

and this one

puts it in orbit, Pshhhoot!

I think this guy's in orbit already.

Sorry, professor,

but I'm afraid we'd be in your way.

Yeah, we'll be seeing you.

No!

No, wait, please,

my days are so lonely and monotonous.

It's momentous.

Hey, I said it! Quiet.

It will be so nice to have earthlings in the house

for a change.

Pardon me, did you say earthlings?

That's right.

I'm often bothered by a spy from outer space

who's trying to steal my plans,

a terrible-looking thing--

claws instead of hands,

a hideous green face, sharp, yellow fangs.

Oh, the regular monster type?

Hmm, monster?

That's right. Yes, exactly.

Okay, professor, we'll stay.

Yeah, sure.

What have we got to lose?

Thanks. William will show you to your tombs.

Yeah?

I mean, rooms!

Oh...

[HOWLING]

Moe?

About that professor...

Don't pay any attention

to what the old guy said

about the spy from outer space.

He's been bending over those diagrams too long.

Well, just the same, I'm taking no chances.

Where did you get that?

Off the wall.

Chicken.

If anything happens, I'll be across the hall.

Now, get some shuteye.

We've got to be in shape

for our show tomorrow. Good night.

Good night.

[SIGHS]

On this monanimous occas--

That's not right, moninimous occasion.

Uh, modinimous--

Dream about it!

Turn out the lights. I'm bushed.

Moe, they're here! They're here!

What are you yelling about?

They're here.

They're here? Who's here?

From outer space.

You're off your rocker.

No, listen to me, Moe.

I'm telling you the truth.

Oh, Mable, you're here at last.

You swept me off my feet.

I'm being carried away.

I'm safe, safe in your arms.

Safe...

It's in here.

The spaceman, I saw him.

A guy could get murdered.

It'll be you if you don't let me get some sleep.

Moe, please, come on,

I'll show you what happened. Come on, right in here,

I know it happened right over here.

I'll show you. Right there.

The claw came through there,

it looked just like a can opener,

then it pulled the chain like that,

and then it went back in the wall,

and this covered the hole.

Hole? The hole is in your head.

Why can't you be like Larry,

sleeping like a baby?

Move over, Larry, and let Joe in.

Move over, I said!

[GROANING]

Now, any more trouble out of you,

and I'll give you something to yap about.

Go on!

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

Look!

Gotcha!

Hey, I got him, Moe, a tourist from Mars.

Yeah sure, with a card from the Diner's Club. Ack-ack-ack!

Hey, lift him up. I'll look for a rope.

Yeah.

Hey, Moe, it's the butler!

It's always the butler.

[CREAKING]

Here comes another one.

Oh...

Hey wait. Hey, it's Larry!

You're all right,

it was only a blow on the head.

Oh, my. Oh, what happened?

That's him!

That's the fellow who tried to steal my plans!

No, he's innocent. It was the butler.

He's got a space gun.

Azakona Pakani Alawata.

What'd he say?

"Azakoni Kapana Alawata..."

Come on.

Well, I'm not afraid of that pop-gun.

It probably shoots corks.

Kazakoni yourself.

[LASER NOISES]

Ah!

We've got a long way to run, fellows.

You leave my machine alone!

Stop--

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, fellows.

What do you mean?

We've got a long way to run.

We don't have to run. We've got a car outside.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, the keys are in my pants upstairs.

Would you like to go get them?

Well, like you say, Moe, we've got a long ways to run.

Wait, wait, wait.

Tama Akina Mars.

Tama Akina Mars.

Mede Kada Mars.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Martians..

Flying saucers...

Ogg and Zogg?

FBI?

Never mind the clerks, I want Mr. Welby.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Welby here.

Mr. Welby, I think I talked to you before,

Professor Danforth.

Yes, professor, what can I do for you this time?

That butler I told you was after my invention?

Well, he's from Mars, all right.

I just caught him talking to his boss

on closed-circuit television.

I tell you, they're coming after us

with scads of flying saucers.

Send someone right over.

I'd love to, professor,

but, unfortunately, all my men are busy right now.

We're rounding up

a herd of man-eating caterpillars from Venus

that are trying to crush city hall!

What's the matter,

are you some kind of a nut or something?

Mr. Welby? Mr. Welby, come back!

Oh... they'll blow up the whole world...

"Hollywood Television Studio, stage one, The Three Stooges."

Somebody's got to listen.

[HOWLING]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Come on, fellows, we've got less than an hour

to make our TV show.

Let's go!

The studio!

Follow me, boys!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Three Stooges Scrapbook!

* Larry, Moe, Curly Joe

* They're the funniest guys I know--

* Golly, gee

* That's for me

* I wanna be a stooge as well

* You can be like those three

* If you don't use Common sense... *

And now, from Hollywood California,

The Three Stooges are on the air!

Hello, everybody,

it's a great pleasure on this momentous occasion--

Hey, hey, you're stealing my line.

Okay, say it.

On this monotonous occasion...

I knew it!

Why...

Hey, this is getting monotonous.

It's momentous.

He got it too.

And now, youngsters,

get set for that mad, zany Three Stooges cartoon.

Roll the film. Go, go, go!

Boy, are they ugly.

Yeah, especially the one in the middle.

All we can see is sea.

Well, look faster.

Stop playing around.

Are you crazy?

Hey, look at that.

That fat fellow, he's a doll, isn't he?

Come on, doll, come on.

You want to watch your remarks, boy.

Hello, boys.

How would you fellows like to play mutiny?

Mutiny?

Mutiny! What's that?

I'm glad you asked that.

Well, gentlemen,

I see that you've finally made it,

late, as usual.

And now a word from your sponsor,

Mr. N'yuk-n'yuk himself.

Mr. Galveston?

Of Galveston?

Correct, and I don't mind saying

I'm considerable riled because you got here so late,

and I hear tell

you been doing this quite often.

But I can explain.

I don't want explanations.

And another thing,

if you hombres can't come up

with a completely different

type of cartoon show,

it's going to be the end of the trail.

What's wrong with what we're doing now?

Yeah, what kind of show do you want?

I couldn't tell you, boys.

I'm a businessman, not a showman.

I just want something better than ordinary cartoons.

Boys, you've got to come home with me.

We're in conference.

Our cartoons ain't ordinary.

I see the same thing

on every cotton-picking show.

Mr. Howard, please.

Go away, professor, you bother me.

On the other hand,

if you can dream up something brand-new--

Oh, they'll never make it, G.G.

Their contract expires in 10 days.

Okay, meet you here at 6:00 in 10 days,

and remember,

a completely different kind

of cartoon show,

or you're all through.

Saddle up my Rolls Royce, son,

and I'll be on my way.

Right away, G.G.

Gentlemen, if your sponsor really wants something new,

I think I've got it--

electronic cartoons.

Electronic?

Exactly, the most startling new process

since the magic lantern.

Boys, you help me,

and I'll help you.

Keep talking, grandpa.

All right, come back home with me.

Wait a minute.

I want to say that after you left,

I caught that sneaking butler

talking to Mars.

I tell you, they're getting ready to invade us

with flying saucers.

I saw them myself on his television set.

He's in orbit again.

He's flying.

Boys, you've got to help me

till my work is done.

Remember, only us four

can save the world from destruction.

I hate to send for the wacky wagon,

he's such a nice old oddball.

Besides, maybe he's got something

to save our show.

Well, I don't want to find out,

that joint gives me the creeps.

Me too.

Did you see what that kooky butler did?

Pfft!

All of a sudden,

I'm aiming a gun that ain't there.

Don't you jugheads realize we're in a spot?

You're going to let fear

stand in the way of our careers?

BOTH: Yes!

Do you mean to tell me

that you're too chicken

to face up to that kooky butler?

Yes!

With three against one?

Absolutely!

Oh, absolutely, eh?

Don't you know

that we absolutely left all of our clothes

and our only absolutely car up there,

and you still refuse?

Absolutely!

Get away!

We just took a vote, professor.

It's unanimous. We're going.

Excellent.

My car is right outside.

Ten days,240 hours.

You'll never make it.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Au revoir. Skip the gutter.

Break a leg.

Ah...

You missed me. Hah-hah-hah.

* Larry, Moe and Curly Joe

* They're the funniest guys I know... *

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING APPROACHING]

[THUD]

Ogg and Zogg.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

[HOWLING]

Here we are, gentlemen.

What is the matter with you?

Moe, I'm scared.

Hoo, hoo.

Hoo, hoo.

Me, that's who.

And me too.

What's the matter, you chicken?

Yeah.

Have a little backbone. Follow me.

[HOWLING]

[DOOR CREAKING]

Carol!

Father, I couldn't imagine

where you'd been.

Darling, I didn't know that you were--

I thought you were...

Oh, this is Mr. Howard and his friends.

They're going to stay with us

for a little while.

My daughter, Carol.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure is ours.

Likewise, I'm sure.

I'm sorry if we scared you.

I didn't expect you back from New York

for another two or three months.

Well, I got some time off,

so here I am.

It's wonderful to have you back home, dear.

We've got something to attend to.

We'll be right back, dear.

All right, Father.

It's nice to have guests in the house again.

Whee, whoop whoop.

Gentlemen, this way.

Shh...

I followed him right through there.

Did you have your glasses on?

Glasses? No.

[CREAKING]

Oh, still chicken, eh?

Get going! Come on.

[THUDDING AND SCREAMING]

Look out for that first step!

Now he tells us.

Here. Here, around the corner.

[GASPS]

I don't see no TV set.

Are you sure it was in here?

Of course I am sure. It was right over here.

You'd better put your glasses on, pop.

Well, they could have been over there,

but, no, he was on the right,

the television set was on the left,

and that was right.

Ogg...

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

You know, I just don't understand it.

He must have gone and taken that whole TV outfit with him.

I'll bet there's

no electronic cartoon gadget either.

I heard that,

and that's where you're wrong, mister.

Come along with me and I'll show it to you.

Hey, professor,

that's some contraption you've got there.

Thank you, thank you.

I don't know whether to call it

a sea-going helitank, a land-going helisub,

or an airborne what-in-the-hell--

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see

who'll win the battle for it,

the Army, Navy or Air Force.

Gentlemen, this is the machine

that is going to save our world.

Let's get to something really important--

where's the gimmick

that's going to save our show?

Gimmick?

Oh, that's over here.

Your sponsor will renew your contract in a minute

after he's seen what I can do with this.

Okay, put on your glasses.

My electronic process, gentlemen.

No artist ever touched this.

The whole thing

was drawn by a machine.

No artist, eh?

Boy, that's amazing.

Sensational.

Now, all I have to do

is figure out how to make it move.

Hoo! Hoo!

There's nothing like a hearty breakfast to start the day off.

You know, Larry, we ought to humor the old professor

until he gets that cartoon gizmo finished.

Yeah, you never know.

* Home cooking Home cooking

* Hey, get your Hotcakes here *

[KNOCKING]

Hey, fellows, the landlady!

Well, what can I say, fellows?

When I heard the knocking,

it rang a bell.

Ooh, it rang a bell?

Yeah, but I saved my hotcakes.

Well, so you did.

Yeah, they're mine

I baked them up right. I I baked them...

Ooh! Oh, my...

What happened?

Well, it was an accident, professor.

You see, this is the work of a bird-brained idiot.

Yeah, a bird- brained idi--

Thank you. How about me?

Yeah, and a mental midget. Go ahead.

Look it, Father, the mail,

The Army, the Navy and the Air Force.

I told you there'd be a scramble for my machine.

Ahem. The Army--

Professor Danforth.

"Dear sir, your invention is most interesting...

"but we feel the submarine feature

makes it more suitable for the Navy."

The Navy.

The Navy--

The Navy feels the tank-tread feature

makes your device more suitable

for the Army.

Listen to this from the Air Force.

"The airborne feature of your unique vehicle

"opens up interesting possibilities.

"Accordingly, the Air Force will accept

"your kind invitation

"and send a representative, "Captain Andrews,

"who will be pleased

"to witness the tests that you propose.

"Afterwards, if results warrant,

"we will consider a demonstration

of the full-scaled vehicle--"

Oh, boy!

They're coming, they're coming.

I knew they wouldn't turn me down.

Congratulations, professor!

You sure put it over.

Thank you, thank you.

I stayed up late last night testing the model,

and everything worked fine.

Come, I'll show you.

Clean up this mess.

I'll clean it up when I'm ready.

Oh, you will?

Yeah, when I'm ready, that--

So?

So, I'm ready!

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Hello.

I'm Captain Andrews, Air Force.

Won't you come in?

Yes.

I'm Carol Danforth.

I was hoping that--

I mean, my father was hoping--

Well, he's right over here.

The remarkable thing about this model

is that it operates

completely by remote control.

This is Captain Andrews of the Air Force.

My father, Professor Danforth,

and our guests, Moe and Larry.

How do you do, professor?

Boy, are you making a mistake.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's a bigger mistake.

No. No, no.

I'm Professor Danforth.

Yes, excuse me, professor.

Well, here she is, captain.

What do you think of her?

Wonderful.

When hard pressed by the enemy,

it can take to the air,

dash across country, or dive underwater.

As a matter of fact, it even seeks out water.

First, I'll demonstrate

how it operates as a tank.

See that, captain?

It's going to revolutionize the art of warfare.

It'll even revolutionize revolutions.

Remember, the big machine

will do everything the little one does.

Could you ask for anything more?

No.

Oh, no, no, definitely not.

It's excellent.

You know, captain, you're pretty sharp...

The Army and Navy, they didn't--

They didn't get here in time.

Of course, they're hot for it too, you know?

Prepare for the water test.

Prepare for the water test.

Prepare for the water test.

Captain, nothing can stop this vehicle,

except this.

Watch.

Ready for the water test.

Ready for the water test.

Thank you.

Now, when attacked by anti-tank weapons,

the pilot has only to push a button.

Now, watch how it finds the nearest water.

Wait a minute, I've got to open the door.

Wait a minute!

This way, captain.

Yes, this way, captain. Right this--

[JACKHAMMER NOISES]

Uh, professor, I think it needs a little adjustment.

Oh...

Carol, why don't you take the captain

and talk things over?

Come on, captain, this way.

I don't-- I don't understand.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, watch it, fellows,

that thing's going berserk.

Where is it?

I don't know.

* Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe

* You are the funniest guys I know... *

Come in!

Who is it?

Whoo-hoo!

What's going on?

Get out of here! Go on!

Sounds like Curly Joe. Come on!

Whoo-hoo!

It's running wild!

[SHRIEKING]

Hey, fellows! Hey, hey, hey!

The propeller!

What's going on in here?

Point that thing the other way!

[SHOUTING]

Oh, no! Oh!

Shut it off! Shut if off!

Turn that thing off!

Hi, fellows.

Oh, remote control!

[SCREAMING]

Cover your eyes.

[SCREAMING]

Moe, Larry's cheating.

What are you doing?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shame on you.

Well, captain,

is the Air Force interested?

Hmm?

Oh. Oh, yes, I can assure you, sir,

the Air Force is definitely interested.

That's wonderful!

The big machine will be ready to demonstrate

next week.

My baby...

I just love you.

Oh, oh, oh. Shh, shh, shh, shh...

That's it.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

How you doing, boys?

Not much time left.

Don't worry, professor,

you'll be showing it to the brass right on schedule.

Controls all checked out, professor.

Good, good.

I'm working out all the bugs on the cartoon machine too.

She'll be ready.

What a team.

He's got the brains, and we've got--

What?

The enthusiasm.

That's better.

[SHOUTING]

Larry, Joe!

Shut it off! Turn it off!

Shut it off!

Larry!

Shut the motor off!

Pull the lever in the compression chamber.

Larry! Curly Joe!

Shut off this thing!

Help! Larry! Joe!

Shut it off!

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Shut if off!

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

I'm sorry, Moe. It was an accident.

Oh, well, this is on purpose.

What? Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Polka Dot...

Sweetens the breath, brightens the teeth,

tastes like pizza!

Polka Dot Toothpaste,

for the smile of youth and beauty.

Polka Dot Toothpaste,

for the smile of glamour and beauty.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Wait a minute, lump-head.

Why, what's the matter? I'm busy, Moe!

You're busy? Yeah.

Get another big bag of water.

That airfield's right out in the middle of the desert.

So it's in the middle of the desert.

How you coming, professor?

Oh, this will do for the demonstration,

my own secret fuel.

It's got more get up and go

than anything ever put on the market.

I don't believe

you said a thing like that.

I did, because it's true.

Someone to see you, Father.

Hello, captain. She's all gassed up and ready to go.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I thought everything was set for day after tomorrow.

It is, sir, but the colonel--

Colonel Lane-- would like to have you at the base

a little bit ahead of time

to kind of go over the details.

He invited the Area Commander, General Bixby.

General Bixby...

Tom's arranged to fly you there in his plane. He says I can go too.

If it's all right with you, sir?

Yes. Oh, but the machine...

Oh, don't worry about that, professor.

We'll get her there okay.

Professor, you go with the captain.

And leave the driving to us.

It's all right, Father. They'll take good care of it.

Oh, sure. Oh, I'm more familiar with--

Thanks, boys. See you at Baldwin Air Force base.

I wouldn't want anything to go wrong...

Don't worry, professor,

you left everything in good hands!

All right, let's get this mockingbird on the road.

Here.

Moe! Moe, we've got a problem!

What do you mean we've got a problem?

All you have to do is drive this thing

right through that door.

What-- Oh no, it can't be.

Yes, it can.

The machine is too big to go through the door.

Get away from here.

What's that for?

That's for not thinking of it before.

Now, you guys get busy

and widen that door a few feet

while I check the controls.

So we'll widen the door.

All right, all right, take it easy.

We'll widen the door.

We've got to get the tools.

There's tools there.

It's a dandy.

Yeah, you work on that side, Larry,

and I'll work over here.

Pick out a good spot here.

That ought to do it--

Hey, bubble-brain!

What?

You're using the wrong side!

Wrong side?

Oh, yeah...

How silly can you get?

Wait a minute,

you're still doing it wrong.

What do you mean I'm doing it wrong?

You mind if I show you? No, but I, I--

Here, look, take this.

You see when you've got a tool

with two heads like that.

And the first head is pointy.

Oh, pointy...

You take it right there,

and the pointy part

goes right in that wall there.

Oh, that's where the pointy part belongs.

Yeah, how stupid can you get?

I don't know.

I guess you can get pretty stupid...

if you're like me.

Ah... Boy, oh, boy.

Termites? Hmm...

Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

Larry, oh, Larry!

What's the matter, did you hit yourself?

No, I didn't hit myself.

Something hit me right through that hole there.

Come right out and hit me.

Oh...

You'll see, you'll-- See?

You're crazy, there's nothing in there.

What do you mean there's nothing there?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, Larry, Larry! Again, again.

What did you do, hit yourself again?

I didn't hit myself again.

They came through the hole again.

Oh, don't bother--

Look, can you see it?

See it?

There's nothing there! Now, get to work!

All right, so there's nothing there--

Oh!

Oh, yeah? What--

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

You still playing around with that thing? We've got work to do.

I ain't playing around with...

Good work, boys. At last you did something right.

But, Moe, we didn't...

[GASPING]

Did we?

Come on, boys, hop aboard.

We don't want to keep the professor waiting.

Come, come, come, come.

Get in here, come on.

I hope you can make it.

There's not very much room there.

Oh, have no concern,

when I throw this throttle in,

we will ease slowly through the opening.

Twenty-two minutes late.

I can't wait for this thing much longer.

Sorry, general, but the captain assured me

that it'd be here.

Here it comes!

Let's make a snappy entrance.

Believe me, general,

this is going to be something you'll never forget.

Hey, boys, right here.

Hey, there's the professor.

Hiya, professor!

It's Moe! Moe's driving it.

Get going! Come back here.

Look out, professor!

Shut her down, you bubble brains.

General...

Well, professor,

perhaps your machine isn't quite ready yet.

Oh, yes, it is, sir.

Besides, I want you people to have it

before the Martians get it.

That's a very good...

What did you say?

The Martians, they want it.

Look, the airplane.

Put on your brakes!

I can't find a pedal.

Use the emergency!

Emergency...

Yeah You mean this?

The airplane!

Up, up!

Up, up.

Ooh, ooh...

That was close.

Did it.

You got us over that.

Boy, you're a doll.

Colonel Lane!

Get that ship off the field!

Ram that fool thing! That's an order!

That's an order!

Don't look now,

but I think we're being followed.

Maybe we'll get a ticket.

Hey, can you get one for my friend?

Come on.

Look out for the bookstore!

Bookstore!

Up, up, up!

Easy does it. Easy...

Oh... You came through again, Moe.

Bookstore!

Come on, you idiot.

Look out, girls!

[SCREAMING]

Hey, Moe, you're heading for the general!

Look out, you'll knock him on his brass!

See, that that goes back where it belongs.

[SCREAMING]

Eyes right!

Sir?

I wish to rep--

Now, see here!

Oh, dear me.

Andrews?

Yes, general?

What have you got to say?

Well, I'm sorry I listened

to that old crackpot, sir.

Father, we're going home.

Carol!

Wait a minute, I'll take you.

No thank you.

This time, we'll take the bus.

And leave the court martial to us!

How do you like that-- visibility zero?

Yeah, and you can't see either.

No, you...

Get that map out of my face!

You want me to wreck the ship?

I want to see what road we're on.

You apple brain,

we haven't been on a road since we left the air base.

How are we fixed for gas?

How are we fixed for gas?

Well, the arrow's pointing halfway,

so I don't know

whether it's half empty or half full.

Oh.

Remind me to wallop you later.

I'll make a note of it.

I...

Ooh, ooh!

What are we stopping here for?

What are you stopping for?

I didn't stop it, it's the engines.

Well, come on, we've got a repair job to do.

Gentlemen, you are about to witness a test

of the Navy's new atomic depth charge,

which has been placed

at the base of this tower.

This is the bomb...

Powerful enough

to destroy every enemy submarine

within a radius of six miles,

and utterly devastate an equal area on land.

The bomb is adjusted to maximum sensitivity.

The slightest contact with moisture

will set it off.

However, for test purposes,

it will be exploded by dropping water on it

from this tower.

The countdown will now begin.

Gentlemen, put on your safety glasses.

Well, that takes care of the distributor,

just had a little sand in it.

Give me the carburetor. Give me the carburetor.

Give me the carburetor, give me the carburetor...

Ooh, there it is.

Seven, six...

three, two...

Hurry up. Here you go.

One of those crazy desert cloud bursts.

What happened?

Gentlemen, I don't understand.

That was enough water to detonate a dozen bombs.

Boy, that was tight, but I made it fit!

All it takes is a little know-how.

Hey, what are you doing,

swimming in a mirage?

No, fellows, I was just standing there--

Yeah, yeah, just standing there.

Well, stop standing there

and climb aboard!

Climb aboard, all right, climb aboard.

Down with the hatch.

There's some kind of vehicle out there.

Gentlemen, someone has stolen the bomb!

Security, security, this is an emergency,

an emergency!

All right, now, men, hear this.

This is it.

Contact.

Boy, what power.

If the professor could only see us now.

All because we cleaned a little sand

out of the distributor.

Yeah.

Talent shows.

It does?

Take over, I'll check the fathometer.

Okay.

Hey... hey, we're not doing too bad.

Okay, up there.

Hey, fellows,

get a load of the news.

Officials at Los Amigos Proving Grounds

were thrown into consternation yesterday

when a new atomic depth charge

was mysteriously stolen from its test site

just seconds before being detonated--

How do you like those crooks?

Authorities warn the tremendous destructive power of this bomb

will be unleashed at once on the slightest contact--

Can you imagine stealing an atom bomb?

It just shows you how stupid some people can get.

Get away from there!

All right, all right.

As you were!

All right, I'm sorry.

But it's disgusting, I'll say that.

Yes, you are.

Not me,

the people who stole the bomb, stupid.

We're flying!

A lake.

Full speed on the choppers.

We haven't gone underwater yet.

Let's try the submarine bit.

You lamebrain.

You saw what happened with sand in the distributor.

What do you think will happen

with water in the carburetor?

So what could possibly happen?

You could possibly get a busted skull!

All right, all right.

We're flying!

[SHOUTING WITH GLEE]

Oh, blue water.

Blue water.

* ...Land of blue water...

Now, remember, keep your cotton-picking fingers

off that orbit button.

What do you think, I'm dumb?

I don't think, I know.

Well, I don't think you know either.

As I was saying,

keep your cotton-picking fingers off the orbit button.

What do you think I am, dumb?

I don't think, I know.

Well, I don't think you know either.

Hey, didn't we just do that?

Did you see what I just saw?

A flying submarine!

Flight 707 to Control--

No, not a flying submarine.

No, we didn't see it.

No, no, no, we didn't see a thing.

I know the boys did their best,

but it's plain,

my machine wasn't ready after all.

I just hope they didn't injure themselves.

I guess Tom was right,

maybe I am just an old crackpot.

Oh, Father, it's not true.

It is, Carol, it is.

As far as that flying buzzsaw is concerned.

Not this camera, honey.

This is going to work, just like I promised.

I'll make it up to them.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

Hiya, professor!

Hi, Carol!

Boys, boys, am I glad to see you!

We were so worried!

I don't know what about.

We've got news for you.

We made a few minor adjustments,

and your chariot spins like a top.

You can tell the Air Force

to order another demonstration.

We'll really show them something this time.

In due time, due time, boys.

Wait till you see the surprise

I've got for you!

Surprise?

Okay, professor, don't get excited.

Okay, what?

Well, here she is, fellows, all finished.

Hey, that's wonderful, but will it work?

Certainly it'll work.

Don't you have any confidence in the professor?

Don't forget, boys, this is the 10th of the month,

the day your contract expires.

You've only got until 6:00 tonight.

6:00! By golly, he's right!

Don't worry, I'll get you under the wire.

We'll make a test film right now

and rush it to the studio.

You've got things to do,

I'd better get out of your way.

Okay, Carol, good night. We'll see you.

Move this thing around and get some lamps.

Lots of lights.

We'll put it right about here.

With a long shadow over there.

Bring me that chair over there, Larry.

All right, fellows, come over here

and get yourself assembled

in a position here, so that I can...

Good, good.

Now we'll get some makeup,

and you'll be all set here.

That's it. Very good.

Oh, good.

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Yeah, now... That's it...

That's it, good.

Okay, professor.

Now, I'll get your special costumes.

Don't worry about the makeup.

It's a special quick-drying polyunsaturated titanium.

Well, if it's that quick-drying

polyunsaturated titanium,

what have we got to worry about?

Oh, you are very glib today, professor.

Well, thank you very much!

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch it...

Watch with the makeup.

Just a little--

All right, all right, that's it.

Wait, wait, a little bit under your eyebrows.

Well, you take care of it, sir,

you take care of it.

There you are. There. Just a dash.

Thank you, you are so kind.

[KNOCKING]

Hi.

Well, now, Carol, please, look,

it's only fair to let the defense have its say.

It seems to me you've had your say.

That's just it, I want to make up for it,

to you as well as to your father.

I believe my father's quite busy now.

I can explain it to you,

and you can explain it to him.

Carol, it was complete and utter chaos, I was nervous.

I mean, after all, a general...

Carol, listen.

That does it.

Now, how about a little act-- anything.

Yeah, I know something.

How about the...

Oh, sure, I've got it,

the thing they're all going daffy about.

Yeah. Got a radio, professor?

Over there. Okay.

Yeah, music, that's what we need.

[TWIST PLAYING]

Well, what's the matter? Are you killing ants?

No, that's the latest dance step.

Dance step?

Sure.

If you say so.

Good, good.

We're rolling.

The deadline is 6:00, remember.

You can wash up in there,

and I'll wait for you in the car.

We've got to change clothes.

We'll meet you at the studio.

Okay, hurry, now.

You look funny.

All right, come on, you abominable snowman.

Get in there.

We'll get washed up. What a character.

Cut it out.

Boy, it's going to feel good

to get out of this stuff.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Stop clowning and talk English.

Stop clowning and talk English.

It wasn't me, it was them guys.

Oh. Oh.

Who are those jokers?

Why, they're actors.

Lamebrain, can't you see the makeup?

The professor probably hired them

before we got here.

Foreign actors?

Well, you're too late, boys.

Beat it.

See your agent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get some of that off...

Mars?

"Take the machine at once.

Destroy the Earth as you leave."

Destroy the Earth!

Give me the shovel.

Hey, Larry!

I knew you'd understand.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Who are they?

I don't know.

Come on, Joe,

we've got to stop those Martians.

Yeah, they're going to blow up the whole world.

Oh, they can't do that.

We won't get our social security.

Come on.

That gun wasn't there before.

The boys! Moe! Larry!

Hold it!

They're going to shoot!

Let's get out of here.

Not there! Here!

What...

Operator, operator,

get me Air Force headquarters, Los Angeles. Hurry!

But, General Bixby,

I saw them with my own eyes.

They must be from outer space!

Now, see here, Andrews.

Not content with wasting my time

with that cockamamie washing machine,

you have the colossal nerve

to tell me it's been hijacked by Martians!

Send all available intersectors,

alert all bases.

An attack could come any moment.

Attack, eh? Who are you trying to kid?

[EXPLOSION]

Good heavens!

Hello, operator? Operator!

Now the line is dead.

Maybe father can help.

Get me Washington. Get me the Chief of Staff!

That's right. This is a red alert!

Repeat, red alert!

That's right, Scramble flight 678, 14 and 20.

I want every available plane in the air!

[ALARM]

There's only one thing to do, men.

We've got to get in there

and knock those freaks out.

We can't go in there.

They've still got the space guns.

Yeah, Larry's right, but I've got an idea.

Save it. I've got a better idea.

We'll disable the engine, see,

then this crate has to go down.

Yeah. Come on.

You've got nothing to worry about now.

That's what you think. Look!

[GUNFIRE]

Get out of there!

You almost got a cheap haircut.

Hey fellows, no, we're with you.

We're on your side!

Look at that, they're going around...

Look.

They're on the ground?

Turn it over to the Army!

Elements of the Army, Marines, Navy,

Air Force and Coast Guard

are being mobilized to shoot down the invaders

attacking the city from the sky.

Civil Defense authorities are warning all civilians

to keep off the streets.

Oh, no, not Disneyland!

What are you doing out there?

It's the Air Force!

It's the Army!

Get those planes back in the air!

The Army!

Whoa!

The Army!

The Air Force!

The Air Force... The Army...

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

They are? You're sure?

Admiral Willoughby?

They're over the ocean now...

You're on!

[ALARM]

Hey, fellows, look.

Just like an atomic bomb.

Atomic bomb, you idiot.

Everybody knows an atomic bomb makes a great big flash.

Oh, great big flash...

Didn't they say on the radio yesterday

an atomic bomb was stolen from the desert?

That's right, so where did all this sudden power come from?

Are you sure you handed me a carburetor

back there in the desert?

Well, I had sand in my eyes.

You had sand in your brains too.

Come on, sandy, let's take a look.

Look, AEC.

Yeah, Automobile Exchange Company.

See, it's a rebuilt carburetor.

"AEC" is "Atomic Energy Commission."

That's the bomb!

A bomb! Oh, Moe!

Moe what are we going to do?

What do you usually do

when somebody mails you a bomb?

I mail it back.

You birdbrain, you dunk it in water

and put it out of commission.

Right.

Larry, go get the water.

Sometimes I think you're dumb.

Dumb? Well!

Fantastic. Incredible.

What do you say, Lansing?

Oh, yes, yes, quite.

Quite.

Son, this here new process

is exactly what I've been looking for.

I kind of thought you'd like it.

Like it? I love it.

I'll double their salaries

and give them a 10-year contract,

but they've got to be here on time,

or it's no deal.

It's two minutes to 6:00 right now, G.G.

They won't make it. I know them,

they're off dilly-dallying somewhere.

Hey! You, the cannon.

The cannon?

If they ever hit those gasoline tanks,

they'll blow the whole city up.

Hurry up.

I'll get them.

I'll try it again.

Oh, no, Larry, Moe, I'm stuck!

Help! Help!

I'm trapped, Moe!

Hey, Moe, look!

A periscope.

I'll take care of that.

How you doing, kid?

Give me that.

When I chop off this tower, it's going to go down,

so watch yourself.

...has just crashed into the sea

off the California coast.

We repeat, the danger is over.

The machine carrying the invaders

has just exploded in the Pacific Ocean.

The invaders plummeted into the water

with a devastating explosion of atomic magnitude.

Navy sources report

the huge mushroom cloud is still visible

for over 30 miles.

We repeat, the danger is over.

The machine carrying the invaders

has just exploded in the Pacific Ocean.

They'll never make it, G.G.

30 seconds more, and their contract expires.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

[OBJECT FALLING]

Just in time!

Congratulations, boys,

I never thought you'd make it.

A promise is a promise.

We said we'd drop in.

On our heads?

* []

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.