Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

and welcome once again to The Crazy Daisy Show.

We have sophisticated entertainment, a window into reality...

a breath of cold air from another world.

As the Chastity Belt Foundation and the Aristotlese Aplanalp chain stores...

proudly present the semifinalists in the Miss World 1984 Contest!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a great deal of pleasure...

to present Mrs. Martha Aplanalp, well-known philanthropist...

and chairman of the Chastity Belt Foundation.

A great sponsor and a great mother.

Dear Mrs. Martha, first the question, why the Chastity Belt Foundation?

Surely in these modern times that seems to be a bit old-fashioned.

Oh, we're not old-fashioned - not in the least.

At Chastity Belt, there are no metals...

no elastic supports...

no tranquilizers.

Through the guidance of our sensational method...

your own body kills the animal.

We advocate simple triumph of the will.

It is painless and ever so rewarding.

No wild dreams.

No... no peculiar behavior.

Solid health and purposeful direction.

It's so good to hear about health and purposeful direction in these sick times.

Right on! Sock it to me, baby.

A network of muscles forms the protective armor around the pelvic region.

If not controlled and kept at bay...

wild impulses will turn everyone into beastly animals...

chaotic natural beings.

Semifinalists from 77 countries have been selected and sent here this evening.

They are, of course, the most desirable, prominent...

and well-preserved virgins available.

This year's stake for the lucky young winner is $50 billion.

Fifty billion dollars, the estimated fortune of Mr. Aplanalp...

uh, Mrs. Martha Aplanalp's boy, her pride and joy.

The richest bachelor in the world...

who decided suddenly this summer to give up his bachelorhood...

to sponsor the Miss World Contest and marry the winner...

the most cherished girl on the planet Earth.

There's a saying in the Aplanalp family:

"When we buy something, we buy the best, and we buy it brand-new".

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Mittlefinger.

Turn over here, Doctor.

Yes, uh, Dr. Mittlefinger certainly is an extraordinary man.

Um, has to his credit the delivery of three army generals...

our members of Parliament, Eskimo sextuplets, uh...

and, of course, many, many more people... and women.

I, uh - I'm really thrilled to be able to perform at this important function...

and, uh, I'm anticipating some delightful specimens.

Each new flower brings a new joy, a new excitement.

Can we start the show?

Of course. Uh, so let's meet now the first contestant...

Miss Southern Rhodesia.

Another historical moment, a window into reality...

an event never attempted live on television before...

and coming to you on The Crazy Daisy Show.

If you'll just step up here.

Would you be good enough to remove your pants?

Oh, my pleasure.

Dr. Mittlefinger...

brilliant master of deep insights and even deeper insights.

Innovative explorer of the abysses of the human body and soul.

Tell us, Miss, uh, Southern Rhodesia. Tell us, how do you feel now?

Oh, I'm great. Oh!

What's happening?

You're tickling me.

I'm really sensitive. You're tickling me with your little light.

This little light.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present Miss Congo.

Remove your panties please, honey.

Hey, baby. You mean my bananas?

Oh, yes, of course. Delicious.

There are different types of hymen, a delicate little piece of skin...

that informs us about a girl's initiation into the world of adult pleasures.

I mean the sinful, disgusting pleasures of the flesh...

and unusual sensual...

excitation.

Now, here comes Miss Yugoslavia, a picture of radiant health.

Yes, well, this young lady is certainly self-assured.

Now, moving right along, folks...

let's meet Mademoiselle Canada.

Would you take your pants off, please?

I don't wear any.

You never wear any pants?

Not for a special occasion like this.

Splendid. Splendid.

By far the most beautiful thing here.

In all my years of practice, I've never seen anything so sweet.

A rosebud.

When I buy something, I always buy the best.

You know, yesterday, I bought a diamond mine in South Africa.

Today, another buy.

The best-bred bride available.

Must be about 785 diamonds in there. You know that?

- About that? - Oh, yeah. Maybe more.

And they all came from my diamond mine.

Yeah!

Yes, sir, baby. Here we go.

Yeah. Hand-carved.

- You know who this fella is? - No.

That's Karl. Karl Marx!

Yeah.

He's the guy that shot the Russian czar. Yeah.

Shot him dead, right in the head. Yeah.

That started World War I, honey. Yeah!

I got it from a Russian business connection. Yeah.

He buys a lot of my diamonds.

- You see that little fountain down there? - Yes.

That's my next buy. Yeah!

It's gonna be my biggest undertaking in landscape architecture.

I'm gonna buy it from the Canadian government.

I'm gonna renovate it, redecorate it.

Get rid of the water, turn off the falls.

I'm gonna install an electronic, synthetic,

laser moving image in livin' color.

In livin' color, honey! Yeah!

And we're gonna have a huge quadraphonic sound system.

Yeah! Of the royal waters. Yeah!

We're gonna have the best sight and sound system available. Yeah.

Unaffected by weather conditions.

My empire.

Milk for the entire country.

Let's see the bride.

- Whoo! - Hey!

Mama!

Whoo!

Now, you may ask, do I have time for marriage?

And I simply state that marriage is a great gimmick for saving money and time...

which is money!

I have come to understand the real meaning of marriage.

I simply can't afford any more waste.

I can't afford any more chaos in my sex life.

All right. Everyone has to relieve himself, but why waste it?

Okay. You bang some broad, you feel good for a half a second...

but then you realize you've gotta run to the phone to call your doctor...

'cause you gotta have a V.D. test.

You soothe your balls...

and you get a headache.

- That's right, my son. - Well, not for me no more.

I guarantee that.

My mama kept telling me, "Son, look after your health."

Well, Ma, I sure as hell aim to.

Come over here, honey. Best little heifer in town. In the world!

No chemical substitutes.

All ingredients checked and double-checked...

and certified pure.

Not an easy thing to find these days, is it?

Well, I done it.

So now I have acquired a lady of the house...

a personal jewel...

but above all...

a purified sanitation system for unchecked waste.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Mama! Yahoo!

Hey, Mama! Yahoo!

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

It's a joy to be alive

It's good to be glad

Good to survive

It's great to be mad

It's fun to have nothing

Do things in the nude

Oh, it's sweet to be hungry

It's finger-licking good

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

It's a joy to be crazy

It's good to be sad

It's good to be lazy

Great to be bad

It's good to be lucky

Good to practice deadly sin

To die for a cause

To be alive and to win

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

I expected something else to happen.

Nonsense. He can do anything.

He's the most powerful millionaire in the world.

Which means, quite simply, that for your own good, you better forget this marriage.

Then I think I should get alimony.

I advise you strongly...

to refrain from thinking anything.

Thinking sometimes can be a very dangerous exercise.

Very dangerous indeed.

Hmm. This is insane.

Yes.

Maybe we should ask for a psychiatric examination.

There are people with similar symptoms. They become confused.

They spend the rest of their lives behind the walls of asylums.

- This house is mine! - Forget it!

- Alimony! - Oh, yeah?

Never!

Be reasonable!

Jeremiah.Jeremiah.

Take care of her, Jeremiah.

This is mine! This is mine!

This is mine! Mine!

Take care of her, Jeremiah.

She's overtired.

She doesn't feel very well.

Poor girl.

Where am I? Oh!

Hitler! Dirty Jew.

They call me Neanderthal.

Fascist pig!

I'm not just anybody.

Dirty Commie.

Why, they even wanted to put me on exhibit...

in the Museum of Natural Sciences.

My portrait is used in Szondy's test.

I am listed in Krafft-Ebing.

I am a certified psychopath.

I am even quoted by Lombroso. And...

my size is superhuman.

- Afraid? - No.

I have my own advertising slogan:

Try me. I'm delicious.

See this chocolate complexion?

Try it.

It's sweet.

Finger-licking good.

I'm Catholic, and it's a spiritual thing for me.

I'm Muslim, and I have a real thing for you.

Oh, you damned fool!

This is my only property. This is my diamond mine.

I'll do something to you that my father taught me.

Are you happy?

- Hello, sir. Where are you off to today? - Oh. Paris.

May I have your ticket, please? Thank you.

It weighs a ton. What have you got in there?

Oh, books. Lots of them.

Books weigh a lot. I'm taking a refresher course in philosophy.

Marcuse, Supek, Vranicki, Sartre.

- You know, i-i-it's heavy. - That would be 55 pounds overweight.

Oh, I'll pay the difference.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh.

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

It's a joy to be alive

It's good to be glad

Good to survive

It's great to be mad

It's fun to have nothing

Do things in the nude

Oh, it's sweet to be hungry

It's finger-licking good

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

Is there life on the Earth

Is there life after birth

The portrait. The portrait. Somebody.

The portrait. Get the portrait in place.

I want you to face the camera and look terribly Mexican...

'cause I didn't fly you all over here to look like a French extra.

And start to sing very nobly.

Cut! Cut! What's the matter, love, now?

What's got into you? Don't you know we're working on a limited budget here?

Don't you know I've got to be back in London by tomorrow night?

Let's do it again, and this time, let's get it bloody right!

Rewind. Rewind.

- So, are you ready? - Ready.

You are so beautiful.

I know.

Your eyes are irresistible.

I must see you tonight.

See me now.

At last! At last!

Instant cinema!

Have you sent for the doctor?

Hello, maestro.

I knew you were a hell of a lover, but this really knocks me out.

And I am not easily surprised.

Knocks me out too, señor.

- You're gonna cut it off? - Don't worry. Have no fear.

- Latin lover. - Sí.

- Can I have an autograph, please? - Sí. Sí.

Will you sing something for us, maestro, please?

With the motor of history driving me on

I'm a wild stallion

My golden mane flies in the wind

As I seek out good times

My valiant sword stands ever ready

This wild stallion cannot be tamed

Stirring up passion wherever I go

This is my song

A thousand steeds will rise from my grave

My name is Anna Planeta.

You can fuck me if you are lucky, Mr. Sugar.

Three blind mice

Three blind mice

See how they run

See how they run

They all ran after the farmer's wife who cut off their tails with a carving knife

Did you ever see such a thing in your life as three blind mice

Three blind mice

See how they run See how they run

They all ran after the farmer's wife

I'm building the head...

of Immaculate Conception.

Conceive your child in the brains...

of a...

Go on.

Anna!

Darling, this is going to be the highlight of your career.

From now on, when people eat chocolate...

I mean the brand we advertise...

they will not feel the same.

I want them to feel as they're eating you.

Action.

Chocolate.

Okay.

Okay.

Mmm. Right.

We're gonna sell the chocolate.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Let everything be known...

and let everything be clean.

Our scouts had trouble in certain parts of the world.

It's not easy to find a girl who's both pretty and a virgin.

Our boys did quite a job, I'll tell you.