Original subtitles

Four years ago, Nick and Audrey Spitz

solved some of the most high-profile murders of the century.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

- Should we pull it out? - No, it's a foot-long knife.

I'll put it back in.

Don't put it back.

Like many overnight success stories,

Nick and Audrey immediately quit their jobs

and poured their life savings

into pursuing a career as private investigators.

Hmm.

Uh...

- Yeah. - Would you excuse me?

Mm. Yes, not a problem.

Are you kidding me right now with those potato chips?

Are you seriously yelling at me? I watched you eat two shrimp cocktails.

Stop distracting me. Okay?

Unfortunately, it's not going very well.

Men get to a certain stage in their life. It's nothing to do with you.

Not all men.

- No, but... - Don't get mad at me for this.

You've been cheating on me, Ron.

Really? After 25 years?

Baby...

I've been going out on my own so I could plan a surprise wedding anniversary.

- No, that's so sweet! - That's...

- Come on. I love you. - I'm so sorry.

Excuse us, you guys.

If you don't mind just paying this bill,

we'll be out of your lovebuggin' hair.

- A bill? You're billing her? - Yeah, no.

We made a deal...

You were hitting on me!

- I was undercover. - Pretend...

This keeps getting better and better.

With business struggling, Nick and Audrey

could only pray for a miracle...

You better run!

...that someone close to them

would be killed.

Oh God!

Honey, honey, honey. Hey!

Can't you put on beach waves or something nice?

The whale noises help me fall asleep.

- You took away my Ambien, so... - You know why?

Remember the last time you took Ambien?

You went sleepwalking into the lobby

wearing my underwear, and then you started watering the couch.

I don't remember doing that.

Look. Doorman took a picture. It's my screen saver.

- Uh, that's somebody else. - Okay.

Listen, baby, if you can't sleep, um,

we could try to, uh,

knock out a chapter together.

I read a few pages.

That guy doesn't know what he's talking about.

Honey, this is the guy that wrote the test.

The test you need to take to get licensed.

I was a real cop.

I don't need some piece of paper telling me I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing!

But we both agreed that it would help our business

if we just, you know, took the course.

Do you really think our business is struggling because of that?

I think we would get better clientele if both of us were licensed.

Only way to get better clientele is better marketing.

Better marketing? Like your floss business cards?

- Yes. - Seriously? God!

It's called "disruptive marketing."

It's not disruptive. It's confusing. We're not dentists. We're...

I can talk louder than the sound machine.

Honey, come on!

Fine. Forget it.

Do you not wanna do this anymore?

I do. I wanna do this. It's just...

It's all we ever do is talk about work.

Do you know any couples who also work together that actually get along?

Billie Eilish and Finneas.

They're brother and sister.

Look, baby, I know this isn't what we pictured when we got into this...

What the hell is that?

Uh, it's my phone.

Yo! Rajah! Namaste. What's up, my brother?

Yo! What are you doing, Nicky Nick?

Are you mowing your lawn or something? What do I hear right now?

Yo, I'm chillin' on a Jet Ski, dog!

On a Jet Ski and on the phone at the same time?

Yo, Nick. Broski. My brosephus.

The Maharajah is getting married!

Oh, that's incredible!

Let me tell Audrey. Audrey!

He's getting married.

- What? - Oh yeah.

Vik! Congratulations! We're so happy for you!

Thank you! She's a dime piece from Paris.

You know, where the Eiffel Tower is and shit.

I'm getting married this weekend on my new private island.

I want you and Nick to come, all expenses paid.

I need to see you two ballers out on the dance floor busting a nut!

"Busting a move," you mean.

Nah, dude, I got...

Oh shit!

What's happening?

Did you hear "all-expenses-paid"?

- We have to work this weekend. - I gotta say, I could use a getaway.

Remember what happened last time we went on a getaway?

Yeah, some people died.

Not s... A lot of people.

You think five people dying's a lot?

All right. Hold on. Just gonna think for a second.

- She's caving in. - Okay, so...

- She's caving in. - Just wait.

No. Go ahead.

Okay, I do agree.

I think we could both use a little bit of a break.

- A break? - From all this.

- Just no work for a minute, you know? - Not...

- It's... - No. For at least a weekend.

The whole weekend. We can... Let's not... Let's just...

Our minds need the no work.

- I can't talk... - I got chills! Goosebumps!

'Cause we're gonna do this, aren't we?

- Wow. How about that. Mm-hmm. - Such a good decision.

You like the view, Mr. and Mrs. Shitz?

Oh. You know what? Excuse me. I'm so sorry. It's...

We're Nick and Audrey Spitz. It's, um...

But, yes, it's a gorgeous view.

Would you like some music, Mr. and Mrs. Shitz?

We're the Spitzes not the Shitzes. Okay?

Yes, I have some Pitbull or, uh, Taylor Shitz.

- Okay. He's sticking with the Shitz. - Puts "Shitz" at the end of everything.

Where are you from?

I'm, uh, from the, uh... European!

We're guessing Shitzerland?

♪ Ooh, girl, don't you stop Tell your mom, girl ♪

♪ And I won't stop it Until you're mine, girl ♪

♪ And you can't stop that Until you're mine, girl ♪

♪ And I can't find out what you want ♪

♪ Tell your mom, girl, and I won't stop it Until you're mine, girl ♪

♪ And you can't stop that Until you're mine, girl, ha ♪

♪ Ooh, girl, don't you stop... ♪

Let me get off this. What the heck? Thank you!

This is unbelievable! I'm gonna cry!

- Did we die? Are we in heaven? What the... - This is so nice!

The flamingos got diapers on so they don't crap the lawn!

Wow!

Nick and Audrey!

- Hey! My man! - Hey, hey, hey!

- Maharajah! - The heroes of Lake Como!

And my sister and my brother from another mother!

Oh my God!

Hey! Oh my God!

- Look at you! - Oh!

Nick and Audrey, may I present to you Mademoiselle Claudette Joubert.

Joubert.

I'm Audrey. It is such a pleasure to meet you.

You are more beautiful than Vikram described.

Oh! Oh. Oh.

- That's funny. Got 'em all. - Oh!

Four? I thought it was two.

And Nick.

- I've been wanting to meet you. - All right!

Congratulations.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. I love it.

- Okay! All right, stop! - What happened?

Cut it out!

Please, come.

I have to tell you, Paris is my favorite city in the world.

- When was the last time you were there? - Hmm. Oh, I've actually not been there.

But I just know from the movies and from the pictures and...

Hey, thanks for the wedding invite. So happy you could squeeze us in.

- No, for sure, man! - Unbelievable!

We had extra seats 'cause my parents died.

- Ooh! I'm... - Oh! I'm so sorry.

That's terrible.

No! I'm just kidding!

Oh, okay. So, they're coming?

Uh, no, they died, but they were never gonna come.

'Cause I hated them.

- There you go. All right. That's... - Okay.

Oh. Colonel, you know the Spitzes.

- What? - Colonel!

My friends!

- My God! - Oh my God. What happened to your arm?

Is it that noticeable?

Last time we saw you, you had a lot more of... of your arm.

Well, if I had to lose one, that would be the one to lose

because it's already missing a hand.

You don't have to share the armrest now at the movie theater.

Yo, yo, yo. But real talk.

The Colonel stopped a bullet meant for me in Mumbai.

- You kidding? - Somebody tried to shoot you?

Yeah. Some people don't like the way my company does business.

Sadly, the Colonel's injury stops him from protecting me to the fullest,

so I had to get me a new head bodyguard.

Mr. Louis!

- Check it out, right? - Hello, Louis!

And, yo, my man is fully armed.

He's fully armed. That's funny!

Okay. I hope you don't find anything in there.

I hope not!

I hate to say it.

If you and the Colonel are ever caught in a fight, my money's on the Colonel.

He'd open a can of whoop ass with his, uh... with his good arm.

No? You didn't like that one? I was joking around.

- Nice to meet you. - Let's go.

Follow me.

Coming. Coming.

Sounds great!

I'm assuming you've never been to an Indian wedding before.

- Why would you assume that? - Oh, so you have?

Uh, no.

So tonight is the Sangeet. It's like a rehearsal dinner.

And then we have, um, a very dramatic surprise entrance plan

that I think you'll find quite entertaining.

I need to take this.

Your villa should have everything you need. Make yourselves at home.

- And we... - Bye! Enjoy!

- Bye. Thank you. - No more kisses. Cool.

She was working in a watch shop off La Place Vendôme when I met her.

Not a penny to her name.

Love at first sight, you know what I mean?

She just fills me with like...

- With happiness. - That's nice.

I see that same happiness in you two

when you look at each other.

You guys are happy, right?

- Us? Are you kidding? - Without her, I would not be happy.

- With her, I'm the happiest. - Not a day goes by where I just wanna go...

I love you so much.

She makes every decision for us, and I'm fine with that.

- Now get in there and have fun, all right? - Thank you so much.

- Enjoy yourself. - Okay. Oh, so we...

- Okay. Bye, buddy! - Louis, let's go.

Oh my God!

I mean, goddamn.

Goddamn!

Look at this! Oh my God!

- Look at this! This! - Wow!

- Babe, the TV's gigantic! - Oh my God.

Look at this thing!

Huh?

What?!

Oh!

We got a convertible, baby!

Put this... in your face.

Mm-hmm.

Is this unicorn cheese?

- Oh my God. Baby, a gift box. - Okay.

I'm gonna go with one more piece of cheese, then I'm done with this.

- What? Are these for us? - Earrings?

- Oh! - These are good ones, aren't they?

I cannot believe this!

- We get our own iPhones! - No way!

- What did we give out at our wedding? - Oh, flip-flops!

Flip-flops, and we gave out Advil or some shit?

- Vintage Air Jordans? - This is insane!

My size?

Wouldn't be a gift box from the Maharajah if it didn't have something kinky in it.

- Those are gonna get you in trouble. - You promise?

- Oh! I like that response. Okay. - Hey!

- What? - Okay.

Wait.

We just... This has just happened.

- How'd they do that so fast? - It's incredible.

Honey! It says "Nick and Audrey"!

- Oh my God! You gotta come in this bed! - I'm coming, baby!

- Oh! - I'm coming! I'm coming! Hey!

Oh my God!

Ow! Baby!

- Oh! - Oh!

- Oh gosh. - All right. What?

I don't know if I packed appropriately for this event.

- I gotta check. - I'm coming with!

- I gotta check. - I'm coming with! Let's go!

Oh!

- Oh my God! - Okay, that's good.

That's your stuff. Yeah.

Do you see this?

- I've never seen anything... - All right.

- Baby, you look so handsome. - I...

I can't believe you pulled that off.

- Well, I'm gonna pull that off. - Let's go.

Please tell me you're gonna keep that.

Oh my God!

- Hi! - Hey, how are ya?

Audrey!

- Ah, Colonel! - Hey.

- Stunning! - Thank you!

Oh, how handsome are you, man?

I only have eye for you, Nick.

Oh! You better keep it that way! All right!

In a most beautiful place on a most beautiful night,

you have to be the most beautiful thing of all.

Um...

Whoa. Okay. Definitely kissing every single finger I have.

I have made love to more than 10,000 women.

None as ravishing as you.

Okay. Well, speaking of staggering numbers,

this is my husband of 16 years.

I've made love to one woman.

- And I did it terribly, by the way. - All right.

Holy sh... This is... You're that guy, Francisco Perez, yeah?

This guy used to be a soccer player.

He headbutted some dude one time and put him into a coma.

Yeah. I know. I hit him so hard, he lost his ability to blink.

Anyway, it was so nice to meet you. So, we're go...

What about you? How do you know the Maharajah?

Well, after I retired from football,

his father made me the chairman of the board of directors

of Shiz-Vik, his company.

Also, I helped him land that beautiful bride of his, the blonde.

Although she has nothing on this one. My God.

- Okay. - Okay.

I'll see you in a second.

$10,000, you can have one night with her.

I'm kidding, you sick bastard.

That's quite the plate.

Do they not have food where you come from?

Oh, um...

No, you know, I just... I'm so used to my husband just eating off my plate,

so it's sort of become a habit.

But, no, you're absolutely right. I don't need this.

No, no, no! Don't put it back.

I was not gonna do that.

Americans.

Americans.

Would you care for one?

Oh, I'm so good. Thank you. Maybe another time.

- So, um... - Thank you.

Are you on the bride's side?

No, I'm Saira, groom's sister.

I did not know Vik had a sister.

Yeah.

These are very low tables!

Are you reading 'cause you don't like weddings like this, or...

No, you know, it's more that I don't like people.

I mean, these people in particular.

I guess as long as Claudette and your brother have fun,

that's all that matters.

Right. I don't really understand how anyone gets married.

Spending so much time with one person. Can you imagine?

Hmm...

Well, speaking of my one person,

there he is.

Nick, this is Saira.

This is Vik's sister.

- Would you... - No.

- You good? - She's good.

- I am Nick. Nice to meet you. - Saira.

Love your brother, by the way.

- He's hysterical. - Right.

Oh boy.

Okay, if you're trying to seduce me, it's really not working.

Oh my God.

Hey, Nick. I was just thinking about your lovely wife.

Oh, you again.

I see you've already met Francisco.

And I guess you're both acquainted with Vikram's harpy of a sister.

- Did he say "herpe"? - Harpy.

Countess! How humiliating it must be for you to see Claudette

actually close a deal with the Maharajah.

Ever wonder what you might have done wrong, dear?

Ever wonder what it feels like to be tall enough to ride a rollercoaster?

That's Countess Sekou.

She's Vik's ex-fiancée,

and she's Claudette's old university roommate.

And they're still friends? She's quite rude, by the way.

Well, on top of all that, she's also Claudette's maid of honor.

- What? - Yeah.

Hope you watched the video because the dancing is about to begin!

- What dancing? - I'm gonna fake going to the bathroom.

- I don't dance. You dance. - I didn't get a video. Did you?

They brought one to the room.

- I forgot to tell you. - Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome the bride!

You get 'em!

Come with us!

All right, come on!

Come on, baby!

And now it's time!

The moment you've all been waiting for.

The groom, Vikram Govindan!

This is crazy!

Brother!

Back! Get everybody back! Get everybody back!

Stay back!

Vik!

Okay, all right.

Is he dead?

It's not him. It's not Vik.

Oh, thank God! It's only Mr. Lou.

- Who did this to you? - Where is Vik? Hey!

Who? What? Oh my gosh!

Where is Vik?

- Who did this to you? - Who was it? Do you remember?

It was...

Say it. Say it. Don't die. Don't die!

- Oh my gosh! - Where is Vik?

Clear! Clear! Come on!

- Come on! Come on! Come on! Go! - Clear!

- This is a distraction. - From what?

From the escape!

Are you serious?

What do you mean all communication systems are down?

Get them up and running!

We have a security officer compromised. We need medical attention immediately.

Okay.

Help!

Yo, you hatin' hard on me right now, son!

- Homeboy! - Nick!

Nick!

This is some janky-ass shit!

Lock down the island

until the security cameras are back online.

All guests are to remain in their rooms.

Oh my God. We need to get ahead of this, or our shares will plummet.

My brother could be dead

and the only thing you're concerned about are share prices?

Oh!

How do you think our investors will react when news of this gets out,

you little Miss Minority Shareholder?

Giving all her money to save the whales and heal the planet

and all that nonsense.

Colonel. Where is Vik?

Where is my husband?

We will find him. We will find him.

The Maharajah's been kidnapped.

- What? - Oh my God!

- Where did they take him? - He's alive.

Somebody with a machine gun threw him on a boat, and they took off.

- How many kidnappers? - One.

Which means his partner is still here on the island.

Hold on. How do you know there were two?

If the kidnapper had Vik and was taking him to the boat...

Ah, someone else was leading the elephant into the tent.

- Thank you. - There are 400 people on this island.

That's a lot of suspects.

Let us narrow it down for you, okay, Colonel?

Claudette, how many people knew about the elephant being part of the ceremony?

Just the board.

Yeah, we had to sign off at the expense of transporting an elephant.

So that means all of you.

What are you implying?

I think it's very obvious what I'm implying.

- Mm-hmm. - One of you is an accomplice to a murder.

- That is ridiculous! - I'm not on the board!

Is it? You all hated my brother!

What? No, I... I love Vik.

Oh, please!

- You've never forgiven me. - For what?

- Breaking up your engagement. - Oh, get over yourself.

It was an arranged marriage between our families.

We amicably split in order to allow for your so-called "love marriage."

You didn't want this marriage to go through so you kidnapped him!

You gold-digging...

- Ladies, stop it! - Calm down, everybody!

- We do this for a living. It's what we do. - It's our thing.

- And this is not just another case. - No.

- This is personal. - Yeah, it's Vik.

- He means a lot to us. - So we'll find out who did this.

- A hundred percent. - And find out why they did this.

And we're gonna get Vik back, okay?

We're gonna do this for the low, low price of $25 million.

Twenty-five mil, honey. I swear to God.

I would've settled for ten grand.

So insane.

What are you doing?

I'm blocking the door so no one can get in.

Honey, you're gonna hurt your back.

You know what would hurt my back? A knife going through it.

The killer knows we're on to him.

We're on the next-to-kill list. I guarantee it.

What happened to Vik?

A guy that rich gets kidnapped for the money.

There's no profit in hurting him.

Oh God. We're not gonna be invited anywhere ever again. Ever again.

The cheese has a hold on me, honey. I can't stop.

Are you just... Will you take a slice like a civilized person?

I don't know where the knife is.

- Oh Jesus! - What? You got a headache?

- Yes! - I'm sorry.

- How's your back? - My back's killing me.

- I'll get Advil. - Please. Please.

- I'm gonna get more cheese in me. - Honey, do not eat all that cheese.

That affects... You're terrible all night.

- Absolutely. - Oh.

And I have pictures from the tent of a burned robe with bloodstains.

Someone was trying to get rid of the evidence,

and I'm sure it was the elephant handler.

Good detecting, sweetheart.

- I'm doing my best. Here. - Okay. Thank you.

- One, two, three, four. - Okay.

I gotta move this stuff now?

What if that's the killer?

- Killers don't knock. - What if it's housekeeping?

We... We're good! We don't need any towels.

No! No! We do need towels. Leave 'em out front, please!

We've been here ten minutes. You need more towels?

You use 30 towels after every shower.

I'm sorry. At least I shower.

All right, you got me there.

It's me, Francisco!

Francisco?

Wait, wait, wait. What if he's the killer?

The only thing he wants to murder is your hm-hm!

Hey!

- Hurry! There's no time! - Be right there!

- We're hurrying! - We know!

So sorry.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You. - Mm-hmm.

Gorgeous.

Jesus Christ. All right.

Put this back. You said hurry.

What's... How can we help?

- I have information. - Yes.

Everyone thinks Claudette is this gold digger,

but what's not so well known is the fact that, as a precaution,

the board made her sign a brutal prenup.

So that means if Vik divorces her, she's left with nothin'.

- I gotta move this shit again? - Wait. Wait. Who is it?

It's Claudette. You must hear what I have to say.

Okay, one second.

Let's get you in the closet.

Okay, be right there. I gotta get some cheese.

Okay. Just go in there.

No! Get off of... Jesus!

- Coming, Claudette! - Sorry! One second.

Hurry!

- Hello, Claudette. - Hi.

They all think I'm marrying Vik

just for the money, especially the Countess.

She's been jealous of me ever since we met.

- Really? I can imagine why. - I can imagine.

But still, she was my best friend.

- Right. - Sure.

- You know? - Yeah.

- We were so close. - Oh!

And I think I just miss her sometimes.

Oh, sorry.

- I just wanna know who kidnapped my Vik. - Mm-hmm.

They all have something to gain from this.

Pfft!

Pfft!

Pfft!

- Terrible. - I can't trust any of them!

- There's a gun. - A gun?

The Colonel, so bitter about his demotion.

Saira, always starved for attention.

And Vik had just discovered

Francisco's dark secret.

- What? - He had a secret?

- Oh! - Oh God.

- We don't need to do that. - That's cool.

Who is it?

It's Saira. Let me in.

Uh, okay. One second.

- I need to hide. The closet! - No, no, no!

- It's too dark. - Here. Come on.

- She has all her stuff. - One second, Saira!

Coming! Be right there!

Okay, gotta get to you!

- So sorry. One second. - Moving around some stuff for fun!

- I know who you need to be looking at. - Who?

- Claudette! - Claudette?

I told Vik she was bad news the minute I met her.

She's suspicious, narcissistic, manipulative,

and looks cheap as well in that red dress...

Excuse me! I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I feel like I'd be a rude hostess

if I didn't offer you a piece of this exquisite artisan cheese that's...

Nick, where's this... Where's that cheese? The big...

- The cheese is gone. - Where is it?

I put it, uh, in my stomach.

You ate that entire block of cheese?

Trying to shame me. I don't know if that's gonna get the cheese back...

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be selfish...

Sorry. Hold on. You know what?

Let me give you a drink right now just to relax you a little bit.

- Here. - I... I don't want that.

- No? Okay. - I'm okay.

- Oh shit. - Who is it?

- Not sure. - You expecting someone?

It's like an after-party. People just show up.

Let's put you into the bedroom, just in case, 'cause I don't know.

- I'll hide there. - Don't hide in there! Why?

That's an obvious spot.

- Is it hot in here? - I'm hot too.

I'm coming!

What if that is the killer?

Don't you kinda want it to be the killer so they can kill us?

I am sick of this shit.

Baby, I do not feel very good.

What's doin'? Yeah?

Hey, great to see you.

What's going on?

I know who did it.

Who?

It was Francisco.

Francisco!

He has had over 85 paternity suits filed against him.

We suspect he's been siphoning money out of the company

in order to pay for all of these babies he made.

That's a lie!

Not the part about the babies.

Yes, that's true. I've spread my seed far and wide,

but I have never stolen in my life.

- What are you doing here? - An excellent question.

- What are you all doing here? - Saira's here.

- Nobody move! - Oh my God!

I ain't moving.

It's mine. It's mine.

- I missed it. - Missed the call?

I have a message.

We have the Maharajah.

If you contact the authorities, he dies.

We'll make our demands known to you at 7:00 a.m.

That voice is hysterical. You got to admit it.

So we should all stay here. Correct, Colonel?

Because one of us is definitely working with the kidnapper.

Yeah. Motives, opportunities.

Somebody here.

My head is spinning a little bit.

Honey?

Babe, are you taking a nap? I'm tired, too, so let's, uh...

Nobody leave here until we figure out who did what.

It's great to see everybody.

- Thanks for coming over. Sorry, my bad. - Whoa!

Hmm!

Jesus! What?

Oh my God. Nick?

- Yeah. - Nick?

Yeah?

- Nick! - Uh-huh.

Nicky, honey. Get up. Get up! We got roofied.

- What happened? - Baby. Oh my God! We fell asleep!

- Oh yeah? - Honey!

We're sleeping now.

I don't know what happened. Uh, I...

- Come on! Get up, Nick! - Okay. Up. I'm up.

Who did this?

What? Now they're just showing off.

- Hurry up! - Okay, I'm coming, honey. So...

- Get up! - I'm up!

- Calm down before you say anything. - Nobody drugs us and gets away with it!

- Maybe they didn't drug us. - It's illegal!

Maybe we just ate too much.

- That's why we passed out. - Nick. Audrey. Just in time.

- For what? - For what?

The real detectives have just arrived.

Connor Miller.

Former MI6 hostage negotiator.

Oh my God. Specializes in high-profile cases.

He got the President of Uruguay's son back from the cartel.

- He wrote the book. He wrote the book. - On what?

How Rogaine doesn't work for everybody?

The book! Our course detective book!

Greetings. I hear you need a case solved.

Colonel. Been a long time.

Francisco Perez.

Huh?

Big fan.

- Oh. - Hey.

Mr. Miller, we're also very big fans. Um, we can bring you up to speed.

So what we know already is that this is at least a two-person job.

I saw the first guy escape with Vik on a boat,

leaving the second guy still on the island.

Also, just so you know, we were both drugged last night.

I don't know if we were drugged. We did have a few drinks...

- You must be the Spitzes. - Yes.

Yes, we are!

Your reputations precede you.

- There you go. - Why, thank you.

- That's nice to hear. - Uh, not in a positive way, I'm afraid.

Okay.

I understand the last time you were involved in something like this,

everybody died?

Well, that was not the Maharajah.

How's he doing now?

- Okay. - Right.

The Colonel's still here, most of him, so there. That's good.

Um, listen. Mr. Miller, I read your book, and...

Colonel, I wanna see all the security footage.

All the footage was wiped from the mainframe.

Yeah, 'cause it's an inside job.

Mademoiselle Joubert,

we'll need your phone for a vocal analysis of the voice mail.

Of course. Anything you need.

They're professional, no doubt. They were concise and brief on the phone.

We also have reason to believe

that the inside man was posing as an elephant handler.

You really wanna do suspects now, Mrs. Spitz?

- Sure. - Fine.

How about this? Uh...

A husband and wife, one an NYPD almost-detective,

the other a hairdresser taking online classes.

Together they run a private detective agency

teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.

And if I were to hazard a guess,

I'd say it's probably taking a toll on their marriage.

Desperate to give validity to their failing business,

they accept a last-minute invite from a billionaire to attend his wedding.

And so a plan is born.

Twenty-four hours after their arrival, there's a high-profile kidnapping,

the sort that gets attention.

A career maker.

How's my reasoning, fellow... detectives?

- Pretty excellent. None of it was true. - Gorgeous.

I was starting to go with it 'cause of the way you phrase things.

- I almost believed him. - The accent helps.

Call trace is ready. Kidnappers should be calling in any minute.

If you'll excuse me, I have a job to do.

- Okay, so listen. - Yes, honey.

We got good cheese. We got free iPhones. I'm happy with everything.

Where are you going? Did you hear what that guy just said about us?

- Yeah. - None of that's true!

We need to show those people what Nick and Audrey Spitz are all about.

The guy's good! I don't think he needs us.

- Nick. Audrey. - What?

The kidnapper says he'll only talk to the man he shot at.

They need us. All right. They need us.

- Let's go! - Let's go!

They're here.

- He's calling back in a minute. - Okay.

You need to keep him calm, keep him talking.

- We need at least... - Forty-five seconds.

- I know. It's not my first rodeo, pal. - You've done hostage negotiation?

I'm married to this lady. Everything's a negotiation. I got it.

Appreciate it.

So 45 seconds, and it starts... now.

Hi. Kidnapper, how are you?

Is this the man who tried to stop me on my escape?

Yes, yes, yes, the man you shot at.

Luckily, I got out of the way.

Tell me what we can do to get Vik back safely.

That's all we really care about.

For the return of the Maharajah, we require $50 million.

Fifty putos millones?

Sh!

Francisco, you think this is The Price Is Right, screaming out numbers?

Way too much money for just one guy.

Great. Just lost the trace. Thanks.

- It's my fault? This guy's yelling shit... - Why are you yelling at me?

- You were directing at me... - I yelled at that guy!

The guy's hammered right now, and I'm catching shit for it!

There's the "taking-a-toll-on-the-marriage" thing.

Excuse me! At least we are married.

Yeah. Calm down. This is how we communicate. We're from New York.

Can we remain calm?

- I'm sorry. Of course. - We're calm.

He wants the money. He's gonna call back.

- Relax. - Yup.

Here we go. Okay.

- Here we go. - Got this!

Forty-five seconds starts again now.

Sorry about that, man. A lot of anxious people here.

One drunk guy. We all got that friend.

The price just went up to 60.

They say, "Great. No problem."

You will bring $60 million in untraceable bearer bonds

to the Arc de Triomphe in Paris at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow night

and wait with this phone for further instructions.

Hello, excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt.

But we are going to need unequivocal evidence that the hostage is still alive.

You will receive proof of life before the exchange.

- Cool. - Thank you very much.

Arc de Triomphe, 8:00 p.m., or the Maharajah dies.

The voice jumbling thing you got on your... It's hard to understand you.

- The location, yes. - Can you do that again? Where is it?

- Arc de Triomphe. - This is what you sound like...

- That's what we hear. - Arc de Triomphe!

Okay, so Arctic Tree Hump.

Got it. You said that, right?

The price just went up to 70 now!

Seventy million, or the Maharajah dies a painful death.

Muhammad Ali dies, you say?

Oh my God!

You just cost us 20 extra million, you doofus!

I don't want these buffoons involved.

I'm afraid the kidnapper does, so we're stuck with them.

They did it. Got the trace.

- We did? - Aha!

- See? Team Buffoon wins again! - Thank you!

You can go back in the ocean now, Miller. We got this.

We're going to Paris. Everybody pack. Be ready to leave in one hour.

♪ Paris, Paris, Paris Paris, Paris, Paris... ♪

Wow!

Let's go and do some sightseeing after the ransom paying.

- Can we do that? - Of course!

Can we just... You know what? After we get Vik back,

we could go and renew our vows at Love Locks Bridge.

It's a date.

I'm gonna need your phones.

- Need our phones? - Why?

- They're compromised. - Oh, okay.

We'll get 'em back, right? These are brand-new. We got 'em for free.

In the gift bags. They gave 'em to us...

- Can't believe that happened. - We're not getting them back.

I had a dick pic on mine, but that's gone.

Let's not obsess about phones.

The only important phone is the one the kidnapper will call on. Here.

I set it up so we can hear everything. I'm gonna need one of you to be armed.

- Mr. Spitz, can you handle a gun? - Yes.

- I told you, I was on the force. What? - Um...

I just think maybe I should handle it.

- You should handle it? - Just...

- Why would that... - Your aim is...

My aim? My aim is fine.

- Why are you saying this? - He can't hear...

That's like me saying you wear Spanx in front of a supermodel.

So, uh, I'll take the gun 'cause I'm very good with a gun.

They used to call me "Nicky Guns" on the force. That was my nickname.

Gang members used to ask me for advice on the weekends 'cause I shot so well.

I'd say, "I can't. I don't wanna help you guys."

You take the gun.

I'll take the gun. I got the phone, and you got the money.

When they call, I want you to follow the three rules of ransom drops

from Chapter 12 of my book.

Can you do that? Remember what they are?

Number one. Um, follow all reasonable instructions.

- Yes. - Number two.

Do not hand off the ransom until you see the kidnappee.

Exactly.

And number three. Do not go to a secondary location with them.

Perfect. You'll be fine.

Off you go.

- Okay. - "Nicky Guns" style. Let's go!

- Cool. - I'm gonna hand you this.

You gotta tell me who on earth ever called you "Nicky Guns."

You gotta tell me who didn't call me that. Everybody called me that.

This is the heaviest goddamn

case of money I've ever felt.

Why couldn't they Venmo? This thing weighs...

My hands are killing me.

I'm gonna go two hands. Does that look weird?

- Your hands are cute. - "Cute"? What does that mean?

- You have cute hands. - Your family has orangutan ha...

You grew up thinking giant hands are normal.

I never said dainty hands.

I said it's weird to high-five you 'cause your hands are little.

They're average hands.

- Your grandmother can palm a bulldog. - Oh, please.

Shit, shit, shit. That's the phone.

Okay, here we go.

Initiate the trace.

Hi. Bonjour, uh, madame or mademoiselle or monsieur. Go ahead.

Nick, it's me!

Rajah! You okay?

So we got the money, and we just need to know where to bring it.

So tell us, and we'll get you out of there.

What happened?

You have your proof of life. Now take the money to the van at the curb.

Okay.

- Wh... Wh... What van? - Van?

What van are we talking about? That van there?

Don't point, you idiot! Just casually walk in that direction.

Okay. Okay. I'm coming.

Anything out of the ordinary, and the Maharajah dies.

Don't do that. Okay, we're coming.

We gotta go to the van.

- That van? - No! Don't point.

He doesn't like pointing. That van.

Oh shit.

Get in the van.

We'll give you the money in exchange for the Maharajah.

He's not far.

Get in the van.

Don't get in the van!

- That wasn't part of the deal. - Number three. Don't get in the van.

Get in the van, or I'll shoot you both in the stomach,

take you to the countryside, and feed you to the swine.

- Okay. Let's get in the van. - Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sorry. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Stupid Americans.

- Give us the money! - Give you the money.

- All right. You got it. - Just give him the money!

- One second. - I do have these too.

What the fuck?

I brought these for us in case we wanted to celebrate after,

but I'm gonna change the plans.

So what I'll do is put this on here, and I'll put this on here.

This goes wherever we go now.

You understand? I don't know where the...

- No! - What happened?

- What happened? - Hello?

We're offline?

Stand by.

Take us to the Maharajah now. What do you think of that?

Chop off his hand.

- Chop off my hand? - What?

- Yes! - No! Hatchet!

- Find the key. - I do know where the key is.

- Look in here. - No, no, no. Shoot.

- Shoot, I can't find it. - Check your other pockets!

Son of a gun! I can't seem to pull the trigger on finding the key.

- What are you talking about? - Your gun! Shoot this asshole!

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

Don't apologize, honey. You killed the kidnapper!

Oh my God!

Shoot this guy!

Can I shoot him in the leg? I don't wanna kill anybody else!

What is the difference? You're already a murderer!

I don't wanna be a mass murderer!

- Grab the hatchet! - Okay!

What?

Oh my God!

Sweetheart, you're not just a mass murderer.

You're an axe murderer!

Honey, he's moving. Oh my God.

I think he might be... He might be okay.

Those are death twitches, honey!

Jesus!

His foot's on the gas!

- Grab the wheel! - Oh God!

Oh shit! It's so gross! I touched... I touched it!

Oh yeah! Who's gonna feed who to the swine now, huh?

That's the dead guy, Nick!

Oh yeah.

People, move!

Oh shit!

Are you literally hitting everything?

- Door's open! - Oh my God! What did you do?

Oh God! Honey!

Whoa! Oh!

Oh my God!

Argh!

Honey, pole!

- What? - There's a pole!

I can't hear you!

Oh my God.

Never mind.

Okay, baby.

- Bonjour. - Bonjour. Are you all okay?

- Sorry. Let me get down. - Careful. Oh my goodness!

- Ow! Jesus! - Everybody okay there?

- Oh my God. - Hi. Hi. How was lunch?

- What? - What?

Nick and Audrey Spitz...

- What? - What?

Oh no.

- Wait. What? No! - What the...

I didn't take a cheese knife. I took the cheese!

Why did you grab it? Why did you have cheese?

I had cheese because I had the hookah munchies,

and it was good cheese.

That knife never left the room, Nick.

But it did leave the room. Maybe they stole the knife so they could deepfake us.

- Our fingerprints are all over it! - C'est caca!

- We did not do this. - Television say bullshit!

- We're not capable of doing anything... - Nous sommes innocents!

- Innocents! - ...like this.

Like, uh, opposite of O.J.!

We would never do this.

- I swear! I promise you! - No.

Hey!

Oh God!

I told you not to get in the van.

- We... - The guy had a gun!

- What do you mean? You had a gun! - Yeah...

- I used the gun! - She used it good!

Do you see what they're doing to us on the TV?

- That's been digitally altered. - Yes!

- I knew you'd see through that. - Thank you for noticing. That's a pro.

Is the case intact?

Well!

We did that!

- That was nice! - How did they find us so fast?

They've got 70 million reasons.

- Ah! - Give me the case. Do you have the key?

The key? For what? These are sex handcuffs.

Look. All I gotta do is this.

Okay. When they see me with this, they'll follow me.

- Right. - Nothing I can't handle.

I see that.

Meet at the Madeleine, 1900 hours.

No problem. Yeah, we'll be there.

I was harsh about your business before.

We may not be equals, but we do share a passion.

I see that now.

Hurrah!

Hey, I was wrong. That guy is a stud.

Honey...

What if Miller's the kidnapper?

He said he's gonna meet us at 1900 hours at the Madeleine.

I know, but bad people, they lie.

All right? And we just handed the guy $70 million.

- Oh God. Maybe you're right. - I'm just saying.

Nope, you were wrong.

- Who's this? - I don't know. Where'd he come from?

- He's gonna walk into the flames? - He walked right into that.

He's got the case!

- No! Oh my God! - Now I'm very confused!

- Oh no. Who's that guy? - This guy?

Oh my God!

N-E-4-1-3-D-A-N.

We're Europe's most wanted again. We better run!

- I'm gonna grab... Okay. - Grab that hat.

- What is... Um... - What is this?

It's Delacroix! That guy loves us.

- I understood "opera." Okay. Go, go, go! - Okay. Okay.

- How? - Surprise!

Audrey and Nick!

- Smoke rings! How you doing? - Hi! Did you get our Christmas card?

I'm fine, and yes. The matching sweaters were a nice touch.

That was my idea.

So, hey, we need a little bit of help.

- We need a lot of help. - Yeah.

- You are under arrest. - No!

I can never tell when you're being serious.

He looks serious. Are you serious?

For kidnapping the Maharajah,

murdering his bodyguard,

stealing $70 million,

destroying many city blocks,

and, I'm assuming, sneaking into the opera.

- We didn't do all of that. - We did number four and number six.

We're just... We're being framed.

We got a hunch who really did it.

We need you to track this license plate for us.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure,

but then I would have to immediately report such help to my superiors,

or I would be guilty of aiding and abetting.

How's this? We can tie you up,

and then you can say we forced you into helping us.

Wait, wait. Who are you calling?

I'm not calling anyone.

I have an app to track the vehicle with that plate.

They have an app for that?

- Mm-hmm. - Tsk!

God. You got Shazam on that after?

I just... I wanna know what song this is.

So the app says the truck is parked out by a château

that's 80 kilometers away?

Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

Can you scratch my nose?

Oh.

Uh... Uh, softer.

Softer. Hmm.

- Thank you. - Also, do you have a car we can borrow?

- The keys are in my pants pocket. - Okay.

You talking to Audrey on that one too? I'll handle the pants pocket.

What can I say? Shooters gotta shoot.

Okay, is this a potato or a key 'cause I'm... Okay, got it.

- We'll take care of it. - Hey, hey.

Okay, no food in my car.

Man, I bet Delacroix's got a sick-ass vehicle.

Excuse me.

Bonsoir, Inspector.

- Bonsoir, Colonel! - Enchanté!

The police are looking for you.

Yeah, no kidding. Colonel, we did not do this.

I know that,

but they have your fingerprints all over the murder weapon

and footage of you running out of the tent with it.

- Yeah. - Typical Spitz vacation insanity.

Miller's dead, by the way, and we lost the money.

It just looks like you took it.

It gets worse! The kidnappers just called. They've given us

a midnight deadline to come up with the money,

or they will kill the Maharajah.

Okay, Colonel, will you just stall for us until then?

- Merci beaucoup! - Thank you, Colonel!

Oh my God!

Well, now you know why the kidnapper needs $70 million.

For the heating bill.

Uh-huh.

Oh boy.

Okay, so that moat's, like, three meters?

I think I can clear that.

Nick, three meters is, like, ten feet.

I had the high school record for the long jump.

And I'm not kidding. I went further than that back in the day.

- Hmm. Did you? - Yeah.

What'd they call you back then? "Nicky Long Legs"?

You're mocking me?

You're not gonna make that jump.

It doesn't make me feel good to prove you wrong, but I'm gonna.

- All right? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, from that angle, it does look further than three meters.

- Oh shoot. - What do you think?

- Do you think maybe you could do it? - Now you want me to make that jump?

Bonsoir.

Countess?

Surprised?

Yeah.

- Did you hear we just said... - "Countess?"

Oh God.

Where's Vik?

I guess the kidnappers have him.

Kid... You're not the kidnappers?

No, no, no.

I would never do such a thing. Vikram is my friend.

Your friend.

You loved him.

Oh God!

- I love money. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.

When I heard you two amateurs are gonna be handling so much of it,

I just had to have it.

"Had to have it."

- So you didn't plant that knife? - Or deepfake that footage?

Or slip something into our drinks that night at the villa?

- Why bring that up? It's not relevant. - Of course that is relevant!

- It's extremely relev... - All right! All right! Jesus!

- God! - Yo.

Two bad guys never works out.

- One always double-crosses the other. - It's a cliché of the genre.

- We've seen this before. Trust us. - So many times.

- Save yourself. - Please.

Imani? Is the car ready for our getaway?

- Yes, Countess. - Brilliant.

- No! - No! Don't!

- Oh my God. - I couldn't have been more clear.

That is the cliché.

- Yeah. - Right there.

Mm-hmm.

With any luck, the smoke will get to you before the flames do.

No!

Oops.

What?

Triple cross.

Oh my God. We are so getting blamed for both those assholes being dead.

Let's go!

- We gotta hop out of here! - Okay!

Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Together!

- Oh my God! - Go, go, go! Back, back, back!

To the window! To the window! Go, go!

Back, back, back!

Oh shit!

- Jesus! - Are you okay?

- Are you okay? - You gotta roll away.

No! That way!

Oh my God, you're so big!

That's what you said on our honeymoon, but like then, we gotta keep trying.

Oh my God, honey! I don't even know where we're rolling to, honey!

- I don't know! - Oh my God!

I was the one who roofied us.

Wha... What?

I mean, you did it, but it was because of me.

I keep my Ambien in the Advil bottle that you use, and I...

I just get so stressed out. I'm sorry.

It was all me.

Don't apologize. I'm the one who needs to apologize.

I have been criticizing you so much. I feel terrible.

- I'm sorry. - No. It doesn't matter.

Your billboards and dental floss business cards...

- Dental floss business cards. - I know, and I didn't think...

- It's not that it was a bad idea... - The razor thing on the card!

I can use it to cut the tape! I got one in my pocket!

- Where? - Right here in the back pocket.

Oh! Hold on. Hold on! Hold on!

I'm trying to find it.

Help me. Help me. Get it.

Get it. Get it. Reach.

- Reach down. Down. Please, God. - Got it. I got it!

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Are we good? Are we cutting this?

- Is it working? - I think it's working.

Oh my God!

I love you, dental floss business cards.

I love you so much. Oh, please, please, please.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Get the feet.

- I got it! - Come on! Come on! Go! Go!

Oh no!

- What are you doing? - Oh God.

Here, take this. I'm gonna shoot out the window.

God!

My God! It's a French gun!

Honey!

- No. - What?

No!

Baby! Oh! I love you!

Oh God.

- What? - No!

- No, no! No, no, no! - No, no, no, no, no!

Shit! Shit!

Nick.

This time, I'm driving.

Okay.

Are you kidding me? I can't...

You're getting it again, hon.

- Sorry. - That's all right.

Mesdames et messieurs...

My name is Inspector Laurent Delacroix.

Fifteen minutes ago, Interpol assumed operational control of this matter

and assigned me to head the task force.

Okay, we get it, but why all of a sudden Interpol gets involved?

The heinous nature of the crimes.

Several murders, a kidnapping,

the destruction of the oldest café in Paris,

the tying up of a very handsome opera fan.

Oh dear God.

Okay, but why should we believe you'll be able to find Nick and Audrey Spitz?

Because I have them on the phone.

- Hello? Hey. Is everybody there? - Yes, Audrey.

Everyone except...

The Countess and her creepy little friend?

Give back Vikram, you monsters!

- You already got the money. - Yes, we do have the money.

And if you ever wanna see it again, you better tell the kidnapper

to bring the Maharajah to the Jules Verne restaurant.

What? The what?

Jules Verne restaurant.

Jules Verne restaurant? Ah, Le Ju...

- Le Jules Verne. - Oh.

On the observation deck at the Eiffel Tower at midnight.

Yes.

What do you mean? We don't have my brother.

- Bullshit! - Oh, somebody there does, okay?

So do what my wife just said. Midnight, Maharajah, alive.

And, Inspector, we tried to start your car up

but, uh, couldn't get it done, so we left it there.

What?

We stole a Lamborghini. You can have that

when we're done with it.

Okay.

Oh my God. So gorgeous.

Why are you all dressed up?

We read online there was a dress code.

We couldn't get into Tavern on the Green 'cause I was wearing shorts one time.

- Wh... Where is everybody? - Yeah.

We bought out the restaurant so we wouldn't be disturbed.

You do understand the idea of doing this in public

is so there are actually people around?

- How did you even get these clothes? - And you got your hair done?

Look, we had a situation, all right?

There was a moat, and then we did... I don't have to explain myself, okay?

We'll be the ones who ask the questions. How's that?

- Go ahead. Ask the questions. - Let's review the suspects, shall we?

Get comfortable.

Let's start with Saira Govindan.

Me?

Mm.

I defended you.

I actually really liked you.

I know you did. We really liked you. You've been so nice to us.

It's just kind of what we do.

Kidnap my own brother?

- She's getting upset. - I see. She's in front of me.

Are you out of your mind?

- Just move on. Audrey, move on. - Moving on.

All good, Saira.

Francisco, chairman of the board.

With the Maharajah gone, you can embezzle all the money you want

to cover all those paternity suits for your 2,000 children.

I say we make it 2,001, huh?

Get out of my face.

Disgusting pig.

Claudette Joubert.

Joubert.

Parisian shopgirl desperate for money.

If I wanted money, don't you think I'd just marry him?

Not with that brutal prenup the board had you sign.

But what about the Colonel? What's his motive?

Well, maybe he just is sick of working for rich people 'cause you guys suck.

Or maybe the Colonel needed enough money to afford himself

a bionic arm.

I looked into it. They're not very expensive.

- How much are we talking? - Twenty, thirty K.

That's it? Jeez, maybe I should get something like that.

You're gonna have to lose an arm for that.

I wasn't talking about for the arm.

Okay, we went through everybody.

Who did it?

Mon amour!

- Hey, hey, hey. - Whoa, whoa.

Um, I've been asked to show you all

this sick-ass bomb and shit.

Oh my God.

Enough to blow this whole damn tower up, G.

So check it. You gotta put the Benjamins in the lift and send it to the top floor.

Once the amount has been chickity-checked, they'll send down the, uh...

God, what's it called? The button blaster thingy? The...

- The remote detonator? - Yes, that shit.

They'll send that back down, and then we can be outtie.

And it's a bit of a hurry or something because, you know...

- Oh no! - Oh my God, Nick!

Nick, Nick, Nick. The money. You must put it in the elevator.

- Now! - Nah.

- "Nah"? - What do you mean, "nah"?

- What are you doing? - I don't think they'll blow him up.

Nick, are you really just going on a hunch right now?

- Trust me. - Nick!

Bro-heem!

No, it's all good in the hood, Maharajah.

Whoever did this had some serious training, right?

'Cause he killed Mr. Lou, a lethal badass.

We're counting down here, G.

No, no. Nick, Nick, Nick!

And we know the kidnapper had some major hacking skills

to access that footage and do the deepfake.

Come on, Nick!

He knew exactly where to find Mr. Lou and Vik backstage at the wedding

in order to pull off the elephant switcheroo.

- But, honey... - Nick! I'm gonna blow up!

With all that expertise...

God, Nick!

...this guy should write a book.

Oh my God, Nick!

"Thousands of studies have shown that the kidnapper will do nothing

to jeopardize the receiving of the ransom."

Chapter 9, section 3, written by Mr. Connor Miller.

You read the book.

From cover to cover, sweetheart, and it sucked.

You gotta try this. It's so good.

You just scared the crap out of me.

What was that?

What?

Very impressive.

How did you get out of that SUV before it blew up?

I didn't.

I climbed into a bomb-proof titanium chamber in the back seat.

A public death. What better way to eliminate himself as a suspect.

Yeah, yeah. But everything didn't go according to your plan, did it?

Your guy had his hand on the case seconds before a clean getaway.

And boom.

The greedy ex enters the chat.

Hmm. $70 million. That's a lot of money,

even for a countess.

So she sends Imani over to hijack the hijackers.

- Who? - Imani.

- Who? - Iman... The sidekick to the...

The Countess's... You know, do the laugh.

Do I have to?

Just knock it out.

- Okay. - Oh.

Now they know.

And then she swoops in,

steals the ransom money right out from under your nose.

- That must have hurt. - Uh-huh.

Now, if you had, in fact, read my book properly,

you'd remember that revealing the identity of a heretofore anonymous criminal

puts all those privy to that information at risk.

Which means

I'm gonna have to kill you all.

Oh God!

Gary?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Susan.

- Do you know who this is? - I have no idea.

Gary and I met here ten years ago when I was studying abroad,

and we promised that if we still loved each other

and we hadn't found anyone else,

that we would meet halfway up the Eiffel Tower at midnight tonight.

And I still love him very much.

Are any of you Gary?

Put your hand down, Francisco.

Oh my God!

Whoa!

Oh God!

Get ready.

It just remains for me to say,

it's been a pleasure.

He still has the button blaster thingy!

Audrey!

Oh my God!

No! This is not what I planned!

There really is no end to your bad decision-making, is there?

Nick! I can't believe I'm doing this.

Take my gun.

Wait! You need bullets. In my pocket.

Oh, you little rascal.

- You got it in there deep, huh? - You got it.

Susan, put some pressure on the inspector's wound.

Is this like an interactive theater thing?

I'm glad my biggest fan is gonna get to see this.

Actually, not as much of a fan as I used to be.

That's a shame because I'm about to teach my final lesson...

How to blow up the Eiffel Tower and get away with it.

You would never do that.

There's only one thing I hate more than witnesses,

and that's the French.

That door opens, everyone inside is dead, understand?

Nick!

No, Nick! No, no! No, no, no!

Nick! Oh!

It's stuck.

- Get this shit off me. I feel vulnerable! - The vest is a medium.

You haven't been a medium since you were 14!

Just chill out, please! Get this vest off me.

You all right?

I need my vape.

- Okay. - In my pocket there.

The right pocket.

- This? - No, no.

Oh, no. That's your penis.

- You got it. - Okay, got it. Got it.

I don't think this is the best thing for someone who's been shot,

but go for it.

Here comes Brooklyn.

- It stopped! - Oh!

Oh God!

Argh!

Cut that damn thing off!

Step back, or this money goes.

I don't believe you.

Uh-uh.

How the hell do you do that without getting a concussion?

God's gift!

He will never blink again.

- Nick! - Yeah, we're coming, precious!

Let me handle this, please.

Oh!

Perhaps... a mild concussion.

- Get the thing off! - We are all gonna blow up!

I don't know what to do!

It's all good, babe!

Nicky Two Guns in the house!

Did I hit anything?

You got the detonator thingy, honey!

Okay, good! That's what I was aiming for!

Ooh!

Oh, my love.

The ring. The rings of love.

Yes. Okay. We're gonna use the guns for something else now, aren't we, bro?

Smacked up your friends pretty good. You're next.

What's up? What's up?

Okay.

Where you going? Babe!

Audrey!

Honey!

It's okay, baby! I got you! Just hang on!

I must have missed the chapter on face-kicking.

Oh my gosh.

Come here.

It's time to make it rain, bitch.

No!

Oh!

Oh!

Come to me!

No!

No, no, no. Okay.

Finish off the others.

Oh... Okay.

- What is that? - That really killed the vibe.

Hey, Miller!

My husband was right.

Your book sucked.

She never misses.

I'm so sorry!

- Now you miss? - I'm sorry, baby! I'm sorry!

Oh shit!

Goddamn! Are you aiming for me or him?

Him, I promise! I promise!

- Just shoot him. Shoot him! - Shit!

- Okay. - Shoot him!

Uh, I've come to the end of my rope, you know what I mean?

My wheels are really turning right now. They're spinnin', my wheels.

Oh God. Okay.

Never misses, huh?

Not everybody can be as good as you, I guess.

Enjoy the ride, Miller.

Oh my God.

Get down!

- Oh! - Jeez!

Paris is very weird.

He's dead this time.

- He's so dead. - He is. It's done.

How did you come up with that plan? How do you do that?

- I have no idea... - You're a genius.

It just kinda came out. Like, I just was like, what? My baby!

You are next-level! I would never think of anything that good.

Thank you. I don't know what I did, and it was so scary.

- What? - We're a team now, hmm?

- No. No. Get him off. Get him off. - Don't touch her. It's getting her upset.

- Back up. - Just back up.

You did good, but just back up. Give us room. Thank you.

- Oh, babe. - It's all right. I love you, baby.

That was just...

It's kind of a beautiful Paris night besides that.

Yeah.

Yes. Hey!

- Nick! Audrey! - Hey! You guys did it again! Oh!

- Vik, I am so sorry about the money. - Yes, we apologize.

It was a lot of money to throw away.

I think Paris is gonna thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

Don't worry about it. Just as long as none of my peeps got murked, yeah?

Apart from Mr. Lou.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Lou who, huh?

Oh no. What happened to you? Why are you bleeding?

Oh, no. It's... I'm not. It's henna.

It must have smeared in tonight's commotion.

Oh, thank God. I'm sick. I can't take one more accident tonight.

No more blood, please.

- I swear, I thought it was blood. - I am exhausted. Aren't you?

Yeah.

- What are you muttering about right now? - Something doesn't make sense.

I'm sorry. It just doesn't make any sense.

Saira, I'm so sorry. What...

Did you just say you smeared your henna during tonight's commotion?

That's right.

That's interesting.

Why is that interesting?

Yes, why is that interesting?

You know, I never saw you during the welcome dance.

And then you just kind of showed up right after the elephant arrived.

Yeah.

I was... I was getting a drink.

Honey, I was a hairdresser, and I know a thing or two about dyes,

and once henna sets,

it doesn't smear.

Sorry. I... I have no idea what you're talking about.

That wasn't blood that I saw on the elephant handler's robe.

It was henna.

And it was your henna that never had time to dry the night of the murder.

Oh my God!

The sister did it!

Oh snap!

Come on. This is lunacy! You guys, haven't we done this already?

I love my brother. I mean, what reason would I have to...

Maybe because your parents gave him the family business,

even though you're the smart one,

and he's the Jet Skiing rapper wannabe with no skill at all?

No offense.

Some taken.

And isn't that the same reason you tried to kill him in Mumbai?

You!

Well, my parents were right about one thing.

If you need something done correctly,

you should just do it yourself.

Saira!

No!

Oh! This poor guy, honey! He's running out of arms!

Whoa!

Not in my town.

Yeah! That's my bae!

Thank you, baby.

I've got to just...

'Sup! It's okay. Yeah.

You... You did great, pal. You're my number one bodyguard.

And not just 'cause the last one got smoked.

That Kwanzaa bonus better be off the hook this year.

Hey, it's bionic arm time, bitch! Yeah?

- Yeah? - Yeah!

You're okay.

- How are you feeling, young man? - How are you doing?

- I'm okay. - Laurent is a special man. Aren't you?

We're gonna go to dinner once you get out of the hospital.

Ah!

Paris weaves its spell once again.

Feel better.

- All right. - Should we tell them?

- Yes! - Okay, guys. We decided to elope.

- That is the smart choice, always. - That's amazing.

Good for you guys.

Yeah, no family, but, um,

I owe you guys my life.

Oh, we're just happy you're both okay.

And really, honestly, thank you for giving us an adventure...

Yes.

...we are never going to forget.

- Oh. - Yep.

- I guess we're even then. Peace out. - Peace out!

- Bye-bye. - Au revoir!

Sorry about your sister being a psycho, by the way.

Ah, don't worry about it. She's a real piece of shit.

- Yes, she was. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Honey, I'm really ready to go home.

- Yes, I am too. - I'm really ready.

We have to do one thing first.

- Trust me. Trust me. All right? - What? Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Check on the Colonel. You okay? - Colonel!

You're not losing this arm?

Click it. Click it. We did it.

Now we are forever locked up together for the rest of our lives.

I'd never wanna be locked up with anybody else.

Me neither, sweetheart. You are...

- The Shitz! - What?

Nick and Audrey Shitz!

- The helicopter guy? What the... - What are you doing here?

Take it. Take the phone!

Hello?

Of course we're not even. Take my helicopter!

Go anywhere! Have a honeymoon you deserve! And a little cash!

- What? - Cash? A bag of...

Are you for real?

- Oh my gosh. Look! Oh my... - Well, yeah.

That seems to be enough money. Thank you.

Just ten million! Don't spend it all in one place!

But if you do spend it all,

just sell the briefcase.

It's worth three million!

- It's dinosaur leather! - My God!

Dinosaur? We can't take this! Come on!

You know what? We will take this. Thank you.

Now you two keep busting nuts! Maharajah out!

What's the first thing you wanna do?

- I wanna kiss you! - Ah!

I can't believe this!

- My baby. - My darling.

The honeymoon we always deserved.

- Exactly. - Finally.

Mm-hmm.

Can you believe how lucky we are?

You liking those drinks?

- What... - Are you shitz-ing us right now?

Hand me the bag.

What? The, uh...

- Bag. Hand me the bag. - You want this?

- That's not a problem. - Give him the bag.

What happened to the accent?

It's back in Jersey.

Let's just have a civilized conversation.

See you never, Shitzes!

- Oh my God! Where did he... - Oh my God! Oh... Oh my...

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody else could ever mind you Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ Can you feel this? ♪

♪ Can you feel this? ♪

♪ I can feel it for you tomorrow ♪

♪ It's all in, baby ♪

♪ Looks all hazy ♪

♪ So I've gone crazy ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody else could ever mind you Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ Through, through this ♪

♪ Right while I was writing my own song ♪

♪ Raise your eyes and glass ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ Take me away, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody else could ever mind you Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

♪ Take me away ♪