Original subtitles

♪ upbeat theme playing ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Okay. Which one of these says "sexy weekend away

with my sexy boyfriend at his sexy country house?" Left or right?

Girl, just be naked.

God, you're cool.

[sighs]

I'm so excited.

I finally found an amazing, uncomplicated guy?

Everything about this relationship is normal.

I was wrong.

So, what's the latest with Swish?

You still engaged to your child groom?

[scoffs] Currently, yes,

but I give it 24 hours before he gets cold feet and calls it off.

She was wrong.

He's probably in his dorm right now

figuring out how to let me down gently.

I need you to send me Grandma's engagement ring.

Very, very wrong.

♪

Wonderful news!

It's Lost and Found Day.

Really? The box is full already?

Yes. Lost and Found Day rules!

Last time, I got a Sheryl Crow cassette,

a packet of Fun Dip, and a muzzle.

Rachel and I had a wild night.

Ooh! Shotgun first pick!

Uh, no. The order is going to be decided

by our brand new...

order hopper!

The first pick is... [rattling]

Mm...

- Jesse. - Woo!

How did that happen? I rigged this thing with 16 Charlie balls.

ELLEN: Alright...

Mm... Ah!

[impressed oohs] Whoa! This is awesome!

"To my darling grandson."

Ha, ha! Not anymore! Suck it, grandson.

- [rattling] - The next pick is...

Mm...

Valentina. What have I done here? VALENTINA: Yes!

Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.

Wow. That is so sad.

Wait, actually, that's mine.

I've been doing whatever I can to cut back. [laughs]

Get it? Cut back? Huh?

Sweetie, we get it.

- Do you need to borrow money? - [scoffs] Whatever. Hand it over.

No way! Per the Lost and Found Day rules, it's mine now.

Please. I need it back. Here, I-I'll trade you the watch.

Why would you trade a nice watch for a book

that should be a YouTube video?

Hm. There must be something special about this book.

Yeah! There is. Th-The author's...

extremely nuanced approach to... layering.

Yeah, you're being weird. You can't have it!

Damn it, Valentina!

Fine. I'd like to challenge you for the book.

Ooh! We haven't had a challenge

since that infamous dance-off for that police badge.

I wormed my way onto a lot of crime scenes that night.

Ding, ding! [laughs]

♪

[seatbelts click] [indistinct PA announcement]

ATTENDANT [PA]: Our flight to Los Angeles is ready for departure.

Hey, yo, can I lay on that?

- [music playing on headphones] - Oh. Um, sure.

- Excuse me? - Oh, yeah, no selfies.

I'm just trying to live my life over here.

Oh, I wasn't trying to... What, are you famous?

- [music playing on headphones] - Bro. I'm Li'l Toasty. The rapper.

Dude, of course, you are. I was just...

I'm sorry. I was just trying to play it cool.

You mind switching seats with me?

I mean, a rapper of your caliber should not be sitting in the middle seat.

Blessings.

Slide under.

SID: And I'm getting a lap dance.

ATTENDANT [PA]: Can I have your attention? We'd like to point out...

Thank you. You're a lifesaver. [laughs]

No problem.

[sighs] Did you know who he is?

Sadly, I do.

My nephew's on a bad path.

[laughs] [seatbelt clicks]

What's in LA?

- Uh, my wife lives there. You? - Hm.

Uh, my boyfriend lives there.

Long distance, am I right?

- You are. - Hm...

[announcement continues]

[both blowing]

[giggles]

- Hey, yo, can I lay on that? - No!

♪

Mm... Delicious. [soft music playing]

I'm getting notes of not from Trader Joe's.

You know what else I got?

Homemade pigs in a blanket

and an actual blanket, so we can be...

pigs in a blanket while we eat pigs in a blanket.

[laughs]

I have never found being called a pig so romantic.

Hey, you wanna pick a record?

Jane's Addiction!

I got to see them play the very first Lollapalooza.

'91, middle of Arizona,

about a thousand degrees.

♪ dramatic music ♪

You know, I met your father at a Jane's Addiction concert.

At the first-ever Lollapalooza

back in 1991.

So my boyfriend was at the same concert

where my mom conceived me. That didn't mean he was my dad.

I remember my buddy Chip. He got us backstage that night.

Man, it's so cool

to see a band from behind.

I got invited backstage that night.

You think Dave Navarro looks good from the front,

you should see him from behind, eh?

Or maybe I've been mackin' on my daddy.

- Another dog? - Oh.

Oh! My dad! My bad. My bad.

It's okay, sweetie.

♪

♪

- Open your mouth. - No! Why? What are you gonna do?

I was gonna feed you this mini quiche.

Oh. Ah...

What? [stammers]

Why does your apron say "daddy"?

'Cause I'm the daddy of the kitchen.

Cute. Cute. [forced laugh]

♪ soft music ♪

You know, I can't stop thinking about

how handsome you must have been back at Lollapalooza.

Do you have any old pictures?

Uh... Lemme think about it. Oh.

Here's one of me in 1990 with my beautiful mom.

Oh, no.

Do you have any photos specifically from Lollapalooza?

Gotta have an old photo album around here somewhere.

Gotta promise not to make fun of my hair.

No judgment.

Well, I was being conceived in 1991, so I didn't even have any hair!

[both laugh, snort]

We have the same snort. What are the odds?

Pretty slim, Robert. Pretty slim.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have joined us

for a very special occasion here at Pemberton's.

It's Lost and Found Day, Challenge Edition!

Huh? Huh?

Um, how long is this gonna take? 'Cause we're on a first date.

The best first date of your goddamn life!

Our friends Jesse and Valentina are going to be competing

for this guide to self-haircuts.

How, you ask? By assembling outfits

using only items from the Lost and Found box!

What?!

I should have listened to the Yelp reviews.

They all said this place was very weird.

It really is, my man. It really is.

Now, let's all honk for the hunk with the junk in his trunk.

I am, of course, talking about Jesse Walker!

CHARLIE/ELLEN: Wow!

Jesse really is giving us Matrix- chic in his leather trench.

Send your thoughts and prayers to my eyeballs

because they are dead from this fit.

♪ runway music ♪

Yes! Eight!

Can we really not get a drink until after this is over--

That's correct. Now, be quiet.

Next on the runway,

we have the beautiful Valentina Morales!

- ELLEN: [gasps] Ooh... - Wow. Valentina seems to be wearing

a janitor's uniform lost by somebody named Gerald.

[Ellen gasps]

Are you freakin' kidding me?! How does it fit her so well?!

I've seen you around the bar and I had this made for you.

It's your exact measurements.

[nervous laugh] Yeah, I'm not wearing this, bro.

♪

- Ellen? - One word. Transcendent.

[whispering]

- Damn it! - She's a 10. Yes!

This lame-ass book is all mine.

♪

You know what else sucks about long-distance relationships?

Two time zones.

We are one country. We shouldn't have two time zones.

We don't. We have three.

We might even have four.

America's a mess.

Point is, it sucks.

Totally! Totally.

But more than that,

it's just hard to feel... close.

- You know? - Yeah.

I mean, Hannah and I are doing our best

but this is not how I pictured our first year of marriage.

It's really nice to talk to someone who gets it.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, if y'all aren't gonna watch a movie, can you throw

Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish

on both your screens for your boy?

I'm trying to do this shit IMAX-style.

ROBERT: That's my buddy Garlic.

You'll never guess how he got that nickname.

Bet I could, Robert. Uh, where's the Lollapalooza pic?

[sighs] I found it.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪ soft music playing ♪

Do you mind going downstairs and opening another bottle of wine?

I'd love to freshen up.

Oh, yeah. Maybe make a fire?

[quiet whimper]

Came out a little more paternal than I would have liked.

[whispers] God... Oh, my God...

[shutter snaps]

Too much? Nah...

Ah...

♪ soft music continues ♪

[muffled thud, rustling]

Babe!

So, I dusted the chunks of pergola off my sweater,

jumped in my rental car, and called my mom.

Mom! Please call me back! I think I'm dating my dad!

[cars crashing] [gasps]

[radiator hissing] Oh, no, no, no, no!

[gasps] Oh god.

♪

Dude.

♪

♪

Listen! I'm so sorry. I--

- Me first. - Huh?

My name is Barney Stinson, and I am a recovering serial womanizer.

We are likely speaking today because you are a woman

I once concocted an elaborate scheme to have sex with.

I fully understand why you have exacted revenge on me,

and I apologize if I ever, A, pretended to be a mannequin

that came to life and made you fall in love with me.

B, hired a makeup team to transform me

into a time-traveling old man

and told you that the only way to stop global warming

was to sleep with young me.

C, told you I was Justin Hemsworth,

the long-lost eldest Hemsworth brother--

Oh my god, stop talking. Why do I have a feeling you have, like,

50 more creepy things on that list?

[scoffs] Fifty? There's, like, hundreds.

I did not crash into you to... exact revenge.

We've never met. I'm just a new driver

in the middle of the worst night of my life.

I guess I would have recognized the three of you if we had met.

[laughs] What?

You and your boobs.

- [electricity zapping, yelling] - What?! What happened?!

My STD. Shock therapy device.

It's this experimental new

electroshock treatment for guys like me.

This sucker is programed

with 10,000 problematic words and phrases.

If I utter one of them, it blasts me

with enough electricity to power Staten Island.

Whoa. And that really works?

Uh, yeah.

When I first saw you, I wanted to say,

"You rear-ended me, so how about I rear-end you?"

[zapping] [yelling gibberish]

But I didn't.

Well, uh, fun chat.

What do you say I Venmo you for the damage?

What do you think's fair? Like, 30... 40 bucks?

Okay, 50! Final offer!

Honey, my left shoelace cost $50.

[sighs] This is a new low.

First, I find out I'm dating my maybe dad,

and now I'm gonna go bankrupt because I crashed into

the fanciest perv in New York.

I'm sorry. You just found out you're maybe dating your maybe what? Who? What?

It's a long story.

[Sophie groans]

How about you tell me

your twisted tale of daughter-daddy lust and intrigue,

and if your story is juicy enough, the car is on me.

Really? That's a... pretty weird challenge.

If there's one thing you should know about me,

it's that I love a weird challenge.

Okay.

So, my friend and I, we went to this party.

- Okay. - And I met a chef...

Yeah, you did. [yelling] [zapping]

[inhales] Come on!

♪

[sighs]

Thank you for meeting me here.

Stop being weird. We literally just walked into another room.

This receipt has a love song written on it.

About Sophie.

- Yeah. - When did you write it?

Oh god, a long, long time ago. I barely remember.

Oh, you wrote it last week.

Same day you bought three extra-extra-large shirts at Gap Kids.

Kids' clothes are just cheaper, okay? And, yes, I wrote it last week.

And, yes, I still have feelings for Sophie.

- What are you gonna do? - Nothing.

I mean, there was a minute there where I thought about telling her,

but then she got with Robert, and I realized it's for the best.

I mean, it was a complete disaster the first time around.

It would probably be a disaster again,

and I just need to move on.

So, let's just both forget you ever found that song.

Like Sid did when he found my poem about...

about Hillary Clinton.

[clears throat]

Deal.

[quietly] Thank you.

[bar chatter, soft music]

♪

Then I jumped in my rental car, called my mom,

and then crashed into you. [text notification]

[gasps]

Oh, thank God!

"That's not your dad in the picture.

I did buy ecstasy from him, though. Yum."

[Sophie sighs] She sounds fun.

She is.

Oh my god, that's so great.

He's not my dad! [gasps]

He's just another great guy that I ran away from

because I'm a complete mess. Woo.

When you were little,

who did you picture when you were imagining him?

Bryan Cranston. From Malcolm in the Middle.

Not Breaking Bad. I couldn't even watch that.

I didn't wanna see my dad cooking meth.

[scoffs]

For me, it was Bob Barker.

I always dreamed that one day, he'd pull up outside my school,

and we'd go spay and neuter pets together.

- Wow. - Yeah.

So, you don't know your dad either?

Actually, now I do.

A great friend of mine lost his father a while back.

And so, I decided to track down my own before it was too late.

Did you ever think about finding yours?

Of course.

But then, I worry that he's gonna be a criminal.

Or a drunk.

- Or a prop comic. - Ew.

[insects chirping]

And then other times, I think that he...

could be everything that's ever been missing from my life

and completely transform me

into the best version of myself that I could be.

Fix your abandonment issues, your commitment issues,

your "not seeing women as human being" issues.

- Did your dad do all of that for you? - Ha.

No. Uh,

actually, a few years back,

a really amazing girl came into my life.

My daughter Ellie.

She is the best thing that ever happened to an idiot like me.

The moment I saw her, I knew...

I had to change.

Don't get me wrong.

My dad is great.

He's kind and funny,

and watching the two of them together, it just...

[sighs] You get it.

Yeah.

Look, if you ever do decide to track down your dad,

it probably won't fix all your problems.

[soft laugh]

But, if you get lucky, like I did,

could be great.

So was my story juicy enough for you, or are you gonna make me pay?

You're off the hook.

You don't have to Venmo me anything. [sighs]

Or, as my past self used to say, you don't have to Ven-hoe me any--

[zapping] [yelling]

I said past self! [groans]

♪

♪

[phone dings]

- Hey, baby. - Hey.

Mm!

- How was your flight? - Uh, you know, the usual.

You hungry? I ordered from that Thai place that you love.

And I got two mango sticky rices this time

because I learned from my mistakes.

[Sophie sighs]

ROBERT: Hey.

Robert!

What are you doing here?

[scoffs] I'm looking for you to make sure you're okay

'cause you jumped out the window and fled my house.

Oh. Right.

[sighs]

The picture you showed me from Lollapalooza,

the woman that you had your arm around is my mom.

- What? - Yeah, and I briefly spiraled,

thinking that you were my dad I've never met.

Because I was actually conceived at that concert.

- What? - Yeah. Don't worry! You're not.

Yeah, I know. I was on a celibacy kick back then.

The '90s were a weird time.

[clicks tongue]

- That's your mom? - Yeah.

Okay, we didn't sleep together,

but we kissed.

- You did? - And did other stuff.

You did?

- A lot of other stuff. - Oh! Why didn't she tell me that?

Ugh, didn't see this text.

"He was on some lame celibacy thing,

so we just explored each other's bodies with our hands and our mouth..."

Yeah. I told you it was a weird time.

But, Sophie, it was years ago.

Decades.

Three decades. We could come back from this.

We can totally come back from this.

- We can't come back from this! [sighs] - We can't come back from this.

Goodbye, Robert.

Goodbye, Sophie.

Say hi to your mom for me. [sighs]

♪

Ai! [cheering]

- Hi. - Hi!

I broke up with Robert.

Wait, what happened?

I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I'll start with...

I think I wanna find my dad.

What? ELLEN: Wow.

Then, we will help you find him.

Thanks.

♪ The way you said, darling, I love you ♪

Did I miss Lost and Found Day?

Don't worry. That box will be full again before you know it.

Good!

[sighs]

Look at us.

A newly single woman,

her engaged best friend...

I am not really engaged.

Yo, this centerpiece is fire.

She was 100% engaged!

Can we please get some food? I'm starving.

- JESSE: Yes. - Robert was supposed to make us dinner,

and then I realized

he was maybe my dad.

- What? - You realized he was maybe your dad?

[excited chatter]

♪ You gave me faith in the Lord, now dear ♪

♪ And we're only just begun ♪

VALENTINA: Wait! Wait for me!

♪ Long time gone ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ This will be our year ♪

♪ To the Lord's time to... ♪

♪ Come through ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Gonna be hard here ♪

♪ He-ee-ere! ♪