Original subtitles

(upbeat techno music)

(club music drums faintly)

- Hey, Jimmy, baby!

(men greet loudly)

- What's goin' on?

- Yo, big night tonight, huh?

- Hey, Jim, I got my classical hiphop music CD, man.

Should I just give it to you

or take it right to the DJ?

What is your process? - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Have you been working out?

Telling you, it really shows, man.

It really shows!

What's that scent?

Is that

Old Spice?

Grizzly Bear?

I have a nose for these things, man.

Classy choice!

It's sexy, am I right?

Isn't that sexy!

(upbeat techno music)

(classical music ringtone) You need to change

your ringtone, man.

You really need to change it. - Hey, hey, Joyce Ann?

- You call your mom Joyce Ann? - I call her

by her preferred name whenever we're going

through a rough patch.

- I didn't know you were going through a rough patch,

I'm sorry, that's terrible.

- Dipshit.

- Really?

- You gave me $5??

You're so cheap, bro!

(upbeat techno music)

- Classical music which is like rap.

I call it rapsical.

I'm still working on the name.

It's a hybrid.

I've never really been down (chuckles) before.

First of its kind.

I'm kind of like an innovator, you know?

Like Mozart.

Hey, look, I got an extra CD on me now,

if you wanna listen to it.

It's pretty good.

- Lee!

Lee!

Yo, yo, Lee, Lee! - What up, fan?

- We went to high school together!

Yo, hey, guys!

Remember?

TB East!

Hey, hey, hey, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Look at me, look at me for a second.

That guy that just walked in there

is like a really close friend of mine

for like years, like forever.

So if you could just let me squeeze in there.

- (sighs) Gotta be more like them, man.

- Did you say rapsical earlier?

Did you actually use that terminology?

- That's my brand!

- Rapsical! (car horn beeps)

(upbeat techno music)

- Looks amazing in there right now.

- So many hot girls.

We need to get in there tonight.

- Next time I'm bringin' chairs, man.

- No, you're not. - I am!

- You will not do that! - Why would you bring chairs?

- Hey, guys.

You just missed a great night!

See ya! - We gonna have fun tonight!

- We had a great night out here, Lee!

You should have seen--

It was hilarious, we were--

- Hey, hey, hey, Jimmy!

Come here for a second, man, listen.

- Are you serious?

You are the fucking guy!

- Yo, I'm gonna get a photo of this!

(upbeat techno music) - Hello, how are you?

- Damn!

I see what you're doin', pretty boy!

(upbeat techno music)

- Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no.

Bring it in, bring it in now.

Okay, we're gettin' in.

We need to think of a plan.

- Oh, man, we made it, we're here!

- Okay, well I'm about to get my drink on,

and my dance on! - No, no, no, no!

Okay, guys, look at me.

Look at me right now.

We need to score the drinks first.

That's the first thing we have to do, okay?

And then we need to scope out the situation with the girls.

- Okay, okay, alright, alright.

- Dude, there is so many hot girls in here!

But this bartender never serves us!

- That's 'cause you're not confident, man!

You're a nervous, sweaty little man, okay?

You need to go up there, looking cool and confident.

That goes for you, too.

Everybody. - Dude, I'm confident

and cool. - Okay.

Well, first thing we gotta do is get out of this huddle,

'cause it's startin' to look weird.

- It looks strange. - Okay.

I'm gonna show you guys some dance moves, okay?

(upbeat techno music)

Yo, hello, ladies.

I hope you guys are both on birth control,

'cause tonight, you're both gonna need it!

(loud slaps)

- Really, your moves?

That was truly incredible. - That was brilliant, man!

- Just inspiring, man. - Beautiful, I wonder

what you said to her?

- Okay.

You guys might need to find a ride home.

- Where does he think he's goin'?

Good luck, let's see with this one.

- Watch this. - What's he gonna do?

- [Carlos] He's gonna fail.

- Oh! - Sag!

Yeah, pick your face up.

- [Carlos] Oh, karma's a bitch, (laughs) dude!

- You alright?

- Bartender.

Bartender!

Hey, hi, ladies?

Hi.

Would you three like to do a shot with me and my friends?

- Sure.

Sir, could I get six shots of tequila?

- Hola, ladies.

I'm Carlos!

- Nick. - I'm Terrel!

- What are your names?

- [Bartender] $90.

- What's in this, like 24 karat fucking gold leaf?

Is this some kind of magic elixir

that'll cure my night blindness finally?

Fuckin' Andre 3000?

You moth--

I was--

Me and him are friends--

- If you don't pay, I kick you out.

- I know you noticed!

- I'm not actually with them, guys--

(loud whoosh)

I wanna be like Ron Jeremy, dude.

- What, you wanna look like him?

- I don't give a damn!

Man, that dude is pimp, yo!

Man, he's had sex with every porn star since the 70s!

That dude still bones 19-year olds!

- Dude, we need to up our close game.

That's first and foremost.

I mean, Terrel, you look awful.

- What?

- Dude, you give us the cool guy factor!

Can you dress like a cool black guy just once?

I'm talking Kanye, Pharrell.

You look like Biz Markie if he never became successful.

- You look like the only white dude in ISIS.

- You like CeeLo Green if he went on a juice fast.

- You look like a Arian Nation press secretary.

- You look like Cuba Gooding Jr in Radio.

- You look like if Elton John and his boyfriend

could fucking have a baby, you'd be that baby.

- You look like Condoleezza Rice

if she went through chemotherapy.

- You look like a pedophile that got away with it.

- You look like a giant black baby.

- Not bad.

- You guys look like--

- Stop, hold it, let it go. - No, no, the moment's over.

I'm just saying the moment's over.

- [Carlos] Yo, yo, yo, yo, check it, check it.

- Can you believe this is happenin' right now?

Hot God.

- Yo, guys, wave, wave at her, wave at her!

Yo, bro, why you wavin' like that?

- I saw the Queen of England do it.

Hey!

(speaks in foreign language)

(mumbles unintelligibly)

(men talking)

- Hey, good lookin'!

- Hey!

- Check 'em out.

- Ooh, that's a big muscle!

- You wanna come with us to the after party?

- We're comin' with you to the after party!

- Who is he?

- Oh, no, no it's me.

It's Nick!

- Alright, whatever. - High school!

We were in English class!

Ms. Carver, right, what a bitch.

- Dude, you love him, man.

- What does his semen taste like?

Is it cherry flavored with orange slices on the side?

- Have you asked him out yet or anything, no?

- You know you can't have a baby out your throat.

- Who's a giver, who's a taker?

Oh, you the taker.

(scoffs) He's the taker!

(playful piano music)

(phone buzzes)

Hello?

Oh!

Hey, Ron, how you doin', buddy?

- Well, just workin' on my yoga esoteric

sexual energy control techniques.

Well, I just wanted to call you on the phone

and let you know that you're my hero.

You are the man.

- [Carlos] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Ron.

You're the man!

I learned everything from you.

- No, this isn't true.

You told me how to perfect the butter churner.

As for my snow angel skills, they're a little bit rusty.

So I need your help desperately.

- (laughs) Okay, buddy, I'll see you when I get back.

But look, I gotta go right now.

I'm currently trying to find a cure for cancer.

- Good luck.

- Okay, okay, buddy, buh-bye!

- No, no, no, girls, girls, girls!

You're doing it all wrong!

Let me show you how to do it right, okay?

(dramatic orchestral music) Now, who wants to go first?

- Do me first, Ron!

- No, please, do me first.

You did her first last time.

- (sighs) Hey, Cancer!

Time for your medicine, baby.

(playful reggae music)

(playful piano music)

(upbeat 80s music)

- 998,

999,

(groans loudly)

(grunts)

- Mm!

Your muscles are big!

Almost like Arnold!

Arnold can eat a dick.

You wanna take this up to the bedroom?

- Yes!

- For some cardio?

- Yes, let's go!

- Let's fucking go.

Follow me!

(playful piano music) (loud whoosh)

(elegant orchestral music)

- Oh, my master.

Don't make me wait for too long.

- I will come for you

when I come for you.

I will make sex with you later.

- You're such a genius.

I'll wait for you for eternity.

- I know.

I know.

(elegant orchestral music)

(phone rings)

- No, not in my butt.

- Go away!

- Got a package here for

Nick White?

- Yeah, that's me.

- You boys look like you're havin' fun.

- I guess.

- Alrighty, you all have a good day.

Oh, congrats on gay marriage!

- Thank you. - Thanks, man.

Hey, Mrs. Goldberg!

- I know what you're lookin' at.

Yeah, like that?

- Sorry, Mrs. Goldberg.

This is for Nick Lorenzo White.

That's my uncle.

I'm Nick Leonard White.

- Your middle name is Leonard?

Dude, that's hilarious! - So what, man?

Just send it back to him.

- Dude,

he lives in Austria.

It'll cost like $30 in stamps.

Are you wearing my underwear?

- It probably stretched now (chuckles).

- Hello!

- Hey, Uncle Nick!

It's your nephew, Leonard.

- And how are you, my boy?

- Not as good as you, apparently.

- [Carlos] Yo, dude, your uncle is a baller!

- I'm definitely jackin' off to this.

- What? - He can hear you.

- Dude, that's not cool. - Sound, it's on.

- We're on a video call.

- Nick, this is my girlfriend.

But I just call her Cutie.

- Hi, American boys!

You are all so cute. - Oh.

- Hey. - Thanks.

- Your uncle is like a god, man!

- What the hell happened to you?

- I like your friends!

So, Nick, what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?

- Oh, a package came here today for you.

It was from Nightclub Inc?

- Oh, that's extremely important.

- What is it?

- Well,

it's my power ring.

- I don't know what that is,

but it sounds dope as hell, Uncle Nick!

- Well, here's the story.

Every year, Nightclub Incorporated picks a nightclub

as the top nightclub in the world.

And then they throw a huge party.

I mean, a huge party, tens of thousands of people.

Well, this year, my club was chosen.

And that ring is my prize.

I have to wear the ring to the party

or they'd be insulted.

I gotta have the ring.

- When's the party?

- It's in two days, this Saturday.

So it's too late to mail it,

I don't trust the mail anyway.

Hey!

How about,

how about I fly you guys to Austria tonight?

I'll put you guys up,

we'll party like animals for days.

What do you say?

(upbeat techno music)

- Are you serious right now?

Are you serious?

- I'm your Uncle Nicky, aren't I?

- We're going, we're going.

We're going, we're going!

(upbeat techno music)

- Baby?

I'm ready for you now.

(plane zooms)

We're making a quick stop to Barcelona.

So those of you continuing to Salzburg, Austria

please remain seated.

(speaking Spanish)

You know what I mean?

Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!

Slow down! Slow down.

Okay, this is going to be a long flight, and I'm already stuck

in the middle of you guys. Okay?

I'm screwed enough as it is. (laugh)

Get away from me.

- It's my side! - It's my side!

It's ever- it's every time your side!

- Always my side! Yes it is! - Always your side!

That's why you are zero people.

(indistinct arguing)

- How you doin', comin' through, first class.

Hey, guys.

These drinks are on me.

What?

You can't be mad at me for taking the first class ticket.

I mean, my uncle paid for it.

It's only fair.

I just took a sleeping pill, I'm fading fast.

How you guys doin'?

- I'm great! (laughs)

I'm so comfortable right now!

These guys are awesome! (laughs)

Dude, we know these--

We know these drinks are free but thanks.

- Well, I fetched them for you.

Thank you!

How you doin'?

- You do know there's a whole other seat over there, right?

- Mm-hm, I do.

- (sighs) Hey, man, you like a aspirin bottle,

pills or something?

I got a headache

and my neck is hurting me. (gasps)

- Hope your back hurts, Big Daddy!

- No, no, no, I'm good!

No, no, thank you, thank you!

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Mm-kay.

- Yeah, dude, can I get one, too?

Man, your snoring last night kept me up all night.

- Congratulations on the gay marriage! (chuckles)

- Why does everyone say that?

- Okay, I mean, yeah, those are aspirin or--

boner pills, I don't know.

Fuck you, guys!

Goin' back to first class.

You don't follow me, okay?

You stay on your side, I'll stay on my side.

Going to sleep, keep it down, animals.

- Hi!

Sorry, I traded places with the old guy

that was sitting here.

I usually like to lean up against the window

but now that you're here.

- Huh? (sexy lounge music)

They call me the Lean Machine. (chuckles)

- (chuckles) I'm Jane.

- I

am so tired.

- Hello? (loud snoring)

Lean Machine?

(sighs) You could have just said you weren't interested.

(snorts)

- Oh, sh--

- (laughs) Hey.

My little saucy talk got to you earlier, Big Daddy?

- Mm!

- Oh, sh--

What the fu--

That motherfucker.

Okay, sorry, excuse me.

- Look, me, you.

Bathroom, right now!

- (chuckles) Oh, hello there, buddy.

Alright, here we go.

Flow like the river.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

Easy, easy! (soft splashing)

Oh, jeez.

It's all over my top.

Oh, I can taste my own piss.

Oh, sorry!

- Idiot!

- Oh.

Captain. (chuckles)

- Are you always so excited when you fly?

- Oh.

It's hearing your voice on the intercom.

It really--

It really--

(sighs) You know what, I suck at this. (chuckles)

- It's okay.

I suck up little things, too.

Why don't you let me show you, hm?

Mm, I love men that smell like piss!

- You know, I really hope flying a plane

isn't one of the things you suck at.

- Welcome to the cockpit, baby!

- Thank you!

But I've never been to a place that is more amazing!

Look how many buttons there are!

What does this one do?

- Don't touch it! - Okay, no probs! (chuckles)

I won't.

Welcome aboard to (mumbles) Boeing.

- What do you want from me?

What do you want from me!

- Oh my G-- - Uh, uh?

- [Carlos On Speaker] Oh, my God, oh!

Okay, let's get this big old thing down, okay?

- I'm gonna make it make it explode!

- [Carlos On Speaker] Yeah!

(loud yelling)

- I can't die a virgin!

(grunts) - Down here!

Come on.

Are you ready for that?

(speaks in foreign language) - I don't know what

that means! - Come here!

- Okay! - Do it, do it!

You can do it, baby!

(passengers shout)

- (screams) Wake up!

Oh my God!

- More! - Ow!

These things take time!

(passengers shout)

- [Captain] Andale!

Give it to me, quick! - I am!

- Move,

move! - What?

- Move! - Okay!

- Come on, wake up!

Look, boobs!

Wake up!

Wake up!

- Okay, no, okay no!

I'm gonna make you nervous now.

(passengers shout)

- Okay!

- How can you be sleeping through this?

- Make me come, make me come! - Okay, okay!

- Oh my God!

Papi!

I gotta call my parents and Papi.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

You had a boyfriend-- - I am so sorry!

- You had a boyfriend the whole time?

- (pants heavily) Okay.

I'm done.

Okay, move, bitch.

I'm working.

(snaps) Go!

Move!

- Wake up!

- [Flight Attendant On Intercom] We apologize

for any inconvenience.

Everything is fine.

Please go back to your seats

and we'll be bringing around free cocktails.

It was just bad turbulence.

(snorts)

- (sighs) That sleep felt great!

Whew!

So what's up?

Did I miss anything?

- Nope.

- Cool.

- Yeah, well, I hope you guys have a great time

here in Austria!

- You're just going to love it here!

It's so charming!

You see we came for our honeymoon,

and then we decided to live here!

- We can't wait to see it!

- Salzburg has some of the most beautiful places on Earth!

And the ladies are going to love your American accent!

- (laughs) I like the sound of that!

- If these Austrian girls are gonna love me,

I can speak this American accent all day!

- Well, if you guys need any help with language

or get into any trouble, here's my card.

- Thanks! - Alright?

- Oh, by the way, we're having a party tonight at our place!

I would love you boys to

come! - Yeah!

- Wow, I mean, that's very nice of you guys,

but I think we're just gonna check into the hotel

and we have to meet up with my uncle soon

and we're going to this club.

And he's gotten us a VIP table and bottle service.

- Yeah, well, that sounds great!

- Well, if you guys change your mind,

you got our card.

- Yeah, oh yeah.

- Well then, see you guys!

- Later!

- Thank you so much--

- Yo! - What's up?

- Hey, man!

- Sorry!

Sorry, sorry, Americans!

- Did you see that mole on her face?

Looked like her underdeveloped twin!

- They were nice people!

- And that Sandy was hot, yo!

- I mean, look, man.

Invited us to her party,

it's our first time in Austria,

I say we go!

- Yeah, right, bro! (laughs)

That party's gonna be full of old, waspy, rich people.

They're all gonna be like,

"Would you like some tea and crumpets?"

- And if you don't mind, (mumbles)!

- Look, they were nice but we are not going

to that party. - Why are we not going, man?

- Guys, we're in Europe!

Okay, we are gonna party every night

and then we're gonna party in the greatest nightclub

in the world, alright? - Yeah!

Hey, this is our taxi!

- Oh, (chuckles) that was your taxi!

- You should be quicker!

(car engine revs)

- Those chicks are assholes.

But they attractive! - Very attractive.

Not the best start to our trip, but hey.

- From a Mercedes to this.

- It's fine!

- Always riding bench 'cause I'm the smallest! (grunts)

- Excuse me, sir, the Hotel Stein, please?

- You want me to show the city on the way to the hotel?

No extra charge? (sinister music)

- Yeah! - Yeah, sure!

- Thanks!

(upbeat techno music)

- Look at all these people!

They think we're dumb Americans!

- Europe, have some respect!

You'd all be speaking German if it weren't for us!

(upbeat techno music)

- His uncle got us taupe top dollar coattails

and VIP passes to the hottest club in the country.

- That's right!

Yo, yo, what's the address for the hotel

that your uncle hooked us up with?

- Hold on.

- [Terrel] What's wrong, man?

- Do you guys have my phone or my wallet?

- I don't have mine either, man.

- Oh, sh--

Oh, shit!

I bet it was that moley mole lady from the airport.

- Fuck!

So wait a second.

So you're saying that none of us have phones or money?

(car screeches loudly) - No money?

Get out! (sinister music)

- No, no, no, no, no! - Relax!

Calm down, we're good!

- Once we get to the hotel, we can sort all this out.

- Yeah! - Okay?

- Out! (sinister music)

- He's got a beautiful sm--

You've got a beautiful smile!

Doesn't he? (sighs)

Great!

Now, what are we gonna do?

- It's not a big deal, okay?

Nick's having his uncle send us some cash.

- His phone number was on my cellphone.

Alright, I don't memorize phone numbers.

- (sighs) We are so screwed!

- Look, let's just go back to the hotel.

I can email him or hit him up

on social media. - Yeah, that's a great idea!

But we don't even know where we are!

- Well, no problem!

How about we just tell him to come to the bad part of town

where all the prostitutes seem to hang out!

- We don't even have any money.

How are we gonna eat?

- Terrel, please tell me you brought snacks.

- No!

'Cause somebody said no more snacks!

- Now you listen to me!

Now of all times!

- Yo, listen, listen.

We gotta use the power of positivity, alright?

You guys read The Secret?

You manifest things with your mind!

- Yeah, I know what The Secret is.

If it actually worked, I'd be a millionaire

and be dating Minka Kelly right now.

- Well, you know what, Mr. Negative?

I believe it, okay?

Use your mind, focus.

We need money and a ride.

Okay?

And a ride! - Well, what have I to lose?

Let's try it, okay, okay.

We need money and a ride. - We need money and a ride.

- And sex!

- There's sex? - Yeah.

- Okay! - Okay.

- [Terrel] Alright, Carlos.

- [Terrel And Carlos] We need money and a ride and sex!

(upbeat techno music)

- Hey, boy.

Do you want to get in the car for a hundred euros?

- Okay.

Okay, it's not what we expected but that's it,

positive thinking!

Okay, you see that?

You see that, Nick?

We manifested that!

Yeah, we did!

I'm sorry, yes, we would love a ride for a hundred,

a hundred euro?

I manifested you.

- Alright, get in car.

I manifest you.

- (stutters) Sure thing, okay! - Don't go in the car!

Don't go in the car.

How have you survived for this long?

Have you not watched any after school special?

Do not go into strangers' cars

'cause they'll probably try to have sex with you.

- What, no!

- Come on, boys.

I give 200 for all three of you.

- No.

We just want a ride, okay?

- That's it, good!

Talk dirty!

I will let you ride me all day!

- Okay, you know.

Maybe he's confusing this.

Start over.

My name is Terrel, what's your name?

- I'm Franz.

- Okay, Franz.

Check this, well my friends here.

They think--

They think that you wanna make sex with us.

How crazy is that? - Make sex.

(laughs) Oh, a virgin!

I will give you all 300 for your sex with me

and I will also give you a ride wherever you want.

- We're not whores, we're Americans, so we can't.

- Come on, boys.

100 each, you'll like!

- We need money, okay?

What choice do we have? - Are you listening to what

you're saying right now?

Are you seriously considering this?

- Dude, we've only been without money for 10 minutes!

- Trust me, trust me, trust me!

Hey, Franz, look.

We can't sleep with you, man.

But we have an option.

Full ride to Hotel Stein.

My buddy Nick here

will sit in the front seat with his dick out the whole time.

That's the best I could do.

He's the white one.

- Whoa!

Whoa, that's never gonna happen!

Okay, not in the fuc-- - Shut up, bitch!

I'm makin' it deal!

- [Franz] I give you a ride with 20 euros.

- 20 euros?

You see this beautiful white Anglo Saxon male?

Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?

Okay, he eats tomato soup and he eats Brie cheeses--

Okay, 40.

That's the lowest I can go.

- 30.

- Sold!

Alright, we're gonna make this happen!

- I am not doing this!

No means no, man.

I will never--

- Yo, I'm glad they let us check in without ID.

At least somebody's gone alright today, huh?

- It's not all bad, man.

We got what, 30 euros?

Go grab something to eat if you're hungry.

- We never talk about that again.

Ever.

- At least you had fun. - Never, no, never, ever!

- [Franz Voiceover] Talk dirty.

I will let you ride me all day.

- Okay, I emailed my uncle.

Told him to call us at the hotel.

I'm sure he's trying to reach us right now.

- Alright, well, in the meantime I'm a little hungry.

So let's go grab some schnitzel?

- (snaps) Yes. - Some beers maybe?

- Schnitzel, absolutely.

- Alright, let's go. - Beer.

Hello!

Ow, baby.

Follow me.

(speaks German)

Make your own man the happiest man on planet Earth, darlin'.

Come here.

(speaks German)

I love dirty German.

(continues in German)

Hoo hoo hoo.

(high pitched) Yeah!

(continues in German)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(continues in German)

(moaning sound)

(continues in German)

Yeah, yeah.

(continues in German)

(continues in German)

(slap)

(computer beeps)

- Feeling like a porno camera, man.

- You don't look like a poor (mumbles).

- And?

How was the food?

- Hey, it was great, man.

It was pretty good. - Yeah, yeah, it was good!

- You did a good choice coming to the best Austrian

authentic restaurant!

Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger,

this is his favorite restaurant?

- Are you fuckin' kidding me?

- No, fucking kidding! - You're kidding me, Igor!

Igor, that's insane! - You know, Arnold--

You are even sitting on Arnold's favorite table!

- You're lying to me right now.

Dude, this is Mr. Universe's table!

Alright, let that soak in--

Commando? - That's amazing.

- Commando? - Yeah.

- Arnold is always telling me when he's leaving

after paying, he's telling me,

"Igor, your food is so good, I'll be back!"

- Dude, he said that in a movie.

He said that in Terminator.

- Well, listen, Igor, everything's great.

It tastes amazing, thank you!

- We've had a pretty rough day

and this comfort food is exactly what we need.

- Thank you. - Absolutely.

- Thank you.

So!

I go back to the kitchen!

- Alright, thank you!

Nice guy, but weird.

Food's good, though.

- Yeah, man, that's the best Austrian food

I think I've ever had.

- Well, I hope you enjoyed it because we're probably

not gonna be able to afford to eat

until we see my uncle tomorrow.

- [Terrel] Yeah, well I got like two more euros left.

- I really hope your uncle pulls through for us.

We're meant to be goin' to this club as VIPs

but we don't even know where we're going.

- Dude, when we get to the hotel,

I'll call him, I'll get that all sorted.

- Well, if all else fails, we can always sell

that good, nice, arian dick of yours.

It's pretty popular out here.

You're poppin', you're a star right now.

- That's not funny, I cannot tell you

how not funny it is. - It paid for this.

- Dude, sexual assault isn't funny, okay?

- I think it's your look.

- Dude, I-- - Oh hey, what's up, guys?

Listen, can we get some more hot sauce

and some sriracha, maybe refill these drinks?

For him, if you don't mind? - Yo, dude, dude, dude.

I don't think they speak any English.

Do you guys understand English?

- Dr. Pepper!

Sunkist soda!

Drinks!

- We overheard that you have money problems.

Maybe I can help you.

- No, no, no, no.

We're okay.

- It's not sound like it!

(loud shouts)

- Just hear us out.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't scream like a girl!

We don't want to hurt you, yes?

We are like a bank!

- So, seriously, you're like a bank?

- Yeah.

Our boss, Mr. Chase, has an office

just around the corner, yes?

Maybe you can get a temporary loan.

- Okay, you know what?

We've heard of Chase Bank before.

They got it in the States.

Look, this will be a good thing.

- So come now, we show.

- [BV] Come with us!

- Could you give us a second, please?

Just a--

Here's the thing, okay?

We should have money

like tomorrow.

I mean, my uncle will probably cover us then, you know?

- Okay, but we don't have enough for drinks tonight.

It's our only night in Salzburg!

(upbeat European music) - Okay, okay.

Alright, we'll come with you.

We'll visit Mr. Chase.

And maybe we'll borrow a little bit of money,

just to get us through tonight.

- Okay.

- Alright. - Come with us.

- Oh, okay.

Thank you very much, guys!

Food's great! - Thank you!

Amazing!

- Guys!

Thank you, be back!

Hasta la vista, baby! - Bye, boys!

- Bye-bye!

(suspenseful music)

(door opens)

Okay, you guys aren't gonna rob us, right?

Because you do remember I said we have no money?

Man, we are about to get man-raped.

No money, no rape.

This dude said no rape, but I swear this big guy keeps

staring at my ass.

I'm telling you, if this guys tries to rape me

I'm gonna pump the little bastard, okay.

I don't like this.

- This is Mr. Chase.

- Hello, gentlemen.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Salzburg.

This

is my city.

- Hi.

I'm Nick.

- I'm Terrel.

- I'm Carlos.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Chase.

- Dino. - Sir?

- Get four glasses.

Pop open a bottle of Dom from the 90s.

You boys know what goes great with Dom?

Caviar!

BV, get the crackers and caviar as well.

- You seriously don't have to do this for us.

(talking over each other)

- Maybe a little.

- Thank you.

This is just too nice, dude.

Should I just get that, a little bit.

Thank you.

- This is a great way

to start off a friendship.

- [Terrel] It sure is.

- To new friends.

(glasses tinkle)

- Wow!

This is really good!

- It's actually my first time eating caviar.

(gags)

Fish nut!

Why would you give me--

- He's really unrefined.

- This guy makes me laugh.

You boys are welcome here any time.

Men who laugh together are like kings.

- I like that! - Yeah!

- I like that! - Like kings!

- Like kings. - Like kings, alright!

- So I heard you boys are in trouble

and may need some money.

- Yeah, see this is what happened.

We got robbed by a gypsie. - It's crazy.

- And then we just figured out

we don't have our phones anymore.

You know, we don't have any money.

- No problem.

This is where I come in.

What can I do to make your lives more comfortable?

- Well, I'm not sure.

- We charge a very small fee.

How much you boys need to borrow?

20?

30?

50 or a 100?

- Oh, I think like 80? - 80.

- 80,000 it is.

I like that! (boys laugh loudly)

- He said 80,000! - This guy's crazy!

This guy's crazy! - You're funny!

You're funny.

- No, no, no, no.

We're thinkin' 80 euros flat.

You know, nothin' flashy, you know?

- The caviar in your friend's mouth

is more worth than 80 euros.

- Please don't hurt my friend, alright?

- You will borrow money,

now that you wasted my time.

The minimum we allow is 10,000 euros.

- You know what?

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah, 10,000 euros.

But can we just pay you back 9,920 right now?

- Oh, it doesn't quite work this way.

You will borrow 10,000 euros from me.

Within two weeks,

for each day you have my money,

you will pay me an additional thousand euros.

- (stutters) What if we can't come up with the extra money?

- My people over there just loves Mexican food.

(loud squirt)

And if you boys think that I don't have eyes and ears

all over Europe, you are wrong.

- Okay, cool.

Thank you, it was very nice meeting you!

I will just go now.

Guys, that was like straight out of a movie, bro.

I have never seen this amount of money in my entire life.

Lemme hold it, man.

No, no, no, no.

(stammers) We should be careful with it, okay?

I'm just saying, like, my uncle has to

Dude, it's going to be fine, let's just go for a beer.

Let's go.

(stammers)

Are you listening to me right now?

Look, we can't just, like, mess around with this.

- Dude- - Those were serious guys.

I don't want to end up as pit bull food, right?

- He's got a good point. - Everything will be fine.

Good point.

- Let's go! - Just one.

Okay, just a couple drinks, and that's it.

- Okay. - That's it.

(ominous music)

(door opens)

(loud fart)

(sigh of relief)

(muffled scream)

- This is great, man.

You know?

We're here, we got the beautiful beer.

Chick keeps lookin' at me.

- Danke schön, good sir.

How much do I owe you?

- [Bartender] It's 12 euros.

- Like, 12 apiece?

- No, it's for all 12 euros.

- Oh.

- Okay. - That's good, right?

- Awesome.

There you go, sir, keep the change.

- Oh, thank you, my American friends!

There are some hooligans in the back of the bar.

Please stay at the bar, don't go back, okay?

(men chanting)

- Okay.

Okay.

We'll heed your advice.

Cheers! - Yeah, cheers, guys.

- Let's get drunk! (laughs)

(fly buzzes loudly)

- Rule Britannia! (men chanting)

- (giggles) You guys wanna do a game?

(upbeat European music) - Yeah!

- In Austria, we love drinking games.

- So do we!

Beer pong?

- Are you boys scared?

- Of what? - Scared of what?

- Girls? - I'm an American.

I'm an American, sweetheart!

America. - It's adorable, really.

- Let's play.

(upbeat techno music)

- I'm tellin' you, man!

You're my best friend!

- That's what I'm talkin' about, son!

- Right?

- Yeah! - You know what I mean?

You have a beard,

you got a tattoo. - I can't even lie, man!

You did your thing!

(drink smashes)

(music stops)

(fly buzzing loudly)

(loud yells)

- Come here!

- That way, Ratty, come on!

(growls)

- Oh, my God.

Oh, I think we lost him. - Fuck!

(heavy breathing)

- My lungs.

My lungs aren't developed properly!

- All up here.

It's coming up.

- Wait up, hold up.

Is this Mozart's house?

- I have no idea.

- This is where Mozart was born!

- Do you think he still lives here?

- What?

- Do you think he still lives here?

- Dude, he's dead. - Oh.

- Oi! - Oh, sh--

- You boys spilled my fucking beer!

Now you're gonna die!

- Are you seriously gonna kill us over a beer?

- That's how us English boys have always done it.

- I'm gonna die at Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's house.

I can do that.

I'm gonna die.

You know he's my favorite.

- Me, too!

- What?

Get outta here!

I'm a fan! (elegant classical music)

I mix like rap music with classical music.

I call it rapsical.

- That's really nice.

I wish we could have been friends before I had to kill ya!

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Listen, man.

There's gotta be a way we can work this out.

Alright?

- Sure.

You can buy me another beer.

- That's it?

That's all we have to do?

- Yeah, why?

- It just seems like you could've presented us

with that option.

Before you chased us with the hammer.

Well, great!

I'll go out right now, I'll buy us a whole bunch of beers!

You know, it's no big deal!

- Let's do it!

- Let's go!

- Let's get outta here!

How you doin', buddy?

You know what, dude?

You got awesome tattoos.

- [Nick] Really, seriously, man.

- You know what?

You should get one.

- Fuck it. - Fuck it, let's do it!

(loud yelling)

Alright, guys, we doin' this?

- Doin' it, bro. - Yeah?

- (gasps) It hurts!

- I haven't even started yet, dude.

- Okay.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

Make sure you put a gap in his mouth.

- He's what?

- Please don't shit on yourself.

We will see the exit immediately.

- Okay, I don't like that.

- (grunts) Shit on your face, bro!

(breathes heavily)

- I work out.

Billy Blanks work out plan, you know?

- Ooh, can we stop, can we stop, can we stop?

Can we take a break, can we take a break,

can we take a break? - What we need

is some more colors.

- I get it once in a while.

My mom actually put me on to it, so you know.

'Cause her ass is amazin'.

- How do you feel anything with all that fur?

- For real.

- It's like a knife bein' thrown in the middle of a forest.

- Oh my God!

- You know what I think?

That's more like Sylvester Stallone.

- It looks like the cushions of my recliner.

- The trick is to not clench up too much.

You know, be relaxed, be comfortable.

- Nice one, geezers!

- You know what, dude?

You're actually a pretty cool guy.

- No, you're a great guy.

- You know what?

Next time you come to Europe,

you should come to London.

- London! - We'll go to London!

- They call me the Diamond Geezer there!

(men talking at the same time)

Enough, alright?

- Sorry. - Sorry.

- I know we're friends now and stuff.

- You know what, you're a good man, brother.

You speak well.

I love your accent, you sound funny.

Learn English! (laughs)

And you know what's best?

You're from good stock! - Thank you!

- Give me some my-- (loud clatter)

Taxi!

- (growls) My beer!

- Not in my butt.

- Wakey, wakey!

Come on!

15 euros!

- Okay.

We're at the hotel, man, let's go.

- Okay. - Alright.

- Dude, pay the guy.

(crickets chirping) (playful music)

Oh, come on!

This isn't the Hotel Stein!

- Oh, fuck, man!

Fuck!

Wait, how did the cab (mumbles)?

I gave him a,

a business card!

- Hey, everybody, just relax, okay, calm down.

We'll just go in the house,

we'll ask to borrow their phone, just call a new taxi.

- No, you're right.

- I'm always right, buddy.

- You're a positive guy, Terrel.

I'm starting to like that

about you. - Well, thank you so much.

- I am, I'm starting to like it, I am.

You know what, we knock on the door,

see if they can call us a cab!

It's not a big deal.

- They might even have a driver.

They got a fucking water fountain.

- Who has a water fountain in their front yard?

- These guys have got money.

- They're the 1%, man!

That's what they are. - Yeah.

- It's pretty cool.

That's cool.

- [Carlos] It's like something out of a fairytale.

- I mean, should we just knock?

I mean, it's after midnight.

- Fuck it, dude, what's the worst that can happen?

- Okay. - The guy would yell

at us in German? - Yeah.

(loud knock)

Bro, just knock again, man.

This is a castle.

They probably got 40-year olds that can't even hear us.

- Oh, boy, I'm so glad you made it!

- Holy shit!

- Hi. - Hi!

I didn't think you guys wanted to come!

- We didn't.

- What he means is that we were drunk. (laughs)

We'd taken a cab and when I handed

the cab driver the hotel card,

I must have handed him your card by accident!

- A happy accident!

- Yeah, lucky us!

- Really nice castle, by the way!

I mean, it's a castle! - Thank you!

- Well, I'm so glad you guys are here.

Just come in! - Yes, please!

- Okay, yeah, yeah. - Sounds great.

(dramatic orchestral music) (door slams)

They're playin' their Mozart!

(elegant classical music)

- Yo, guys, this is great!

I don't suppose you could give us a ride to Hotel Stein?

- Oh, sorry, no.

We're having a party tonight.

(chuckles) We can't leave.

Or you stay with us for the party.

- Yeah, we'll stay.

- So how's your tea?

- It's the breast, I mean--

The best.

It's great.

- Well, in a little bit we'll bring out the booze

and move the party into a bigger room.

- Yeah, it's sort of a masquerade party.

- I can't wait! (chuckles)

(soft clapping)

- Take these boys and get them robes.

I'll see you downstairs.

- So you want us to follow her?

You want us to--

Okay, okay!

(suspenseful chanting)

- I don't know, man.

There are no basements.

Next time, I'ma take the elevator.

- This is awesome!

This is weird.

(group chants in foreign language)

- Listen to me.

Venus,

is flowing through me into all of you!

- And the spirit of Eros flows from me

to all of you!

- Tonight,

we become one!

We make all the gods of love and sex jealous of us!

Say it.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Yes.

Tonight, there is one piece of flesh

we will all start with!

- We begin with this piece of flesh,

before we can move on to each other.

- Yes!

(group speaks in foreign language)

- Goddesses? (soft clapping)

Bring in the flesh! - Bring in the flesh!

(group chants in foreign language)

- [Terrel] I wanna make sex with the devil.

- Please stop calling it that, man.

It's make love or have sex, you can't mix 'em around.

(group chants in foreign language)

- Fuckin' Franz.

- Really? - Whoa!

- No, no, no! - No, no.

- No! - It's not happening.

- Here's your flesh!

You have to please this flesh first

or you cannot be invited to the next part of the party

where everyone will be-- - Okay, okay.

We gotta go right now. - Yeah.

- Dude, when in Rome, man. - No!

Not when in Rome!

- I'm going to use the phone they have here

and I'm callin' a cab. - Okay, good idea.

Let's get back to the hotel, regroup,

and make it to the train station.

- We can stay, come on.

Look at her.

- Dude, this man has seen my penis because of you, okay?

We are leaving, right now.

Do not look at me like that, Franz!

Don't look at me, Franz.

Do not look at me.

Go to hell, Franz!

You ruined my life!

- This chick Ivana, is not kosher.

- We have to go.

- No, no, no, no, no! (chuckles)

- We go now! - No, Dino!

I have sex with girls!

- The guys are leaving we must follow them!

- Dino, why do you always hit me?

(train whistles loudly)

- Oh my gosh, I can't get a hold of my uncle!

- Great.

Stranded again!

(scoffs) I can't believe our luck, man!

- And I can't believe you thought we can get on this train

without our IDs.

- We're fucked!

We're never gonna get to Vienna.

- All I wanna do is sleep!

This sucks, dude!

Yo, Terrel!

Pimp Nick out, we need some fun, stat!

- Hey, sir!

How you doin'?

Hey, would you be interested in buying this young,

white man, he's about 5'10, 5'11 who's a Vegan?

- Away.

Cool.

He actually looked like he was considering it for a second.

- Man, even in Austria, we suck!

- Sure, come over to Austria!

Have a few laughs, come to the coolest party in the world.

What could go wrong?

Where the fuck are we, man?

I've seen like five streets called Asvart.

It's a wonder anyone can get around in this city!

It's like the universe is telling us,

"Hey, your wieners are never supposed to be touched

"by anyone other than yourselves!"

- You gotta believe, man.

You gotta use positive energy, okay?

You gotta rethink about it!

You gotta believe somebody will pick is up

and take us to Vienna. - I don't wanna do this again.

I don't wanna do this again. - Somebody will pick us up

and take us to Vienna. - I'm not doing it.

- Somebody is gonna kill my two friends.

Somebody is gonna kill my tw--

- Yeah!

What'd I say?

What'd I say?

Positive energy!

Use your mind!

Don't you ever doubt me again!

Don't you ever--

Hey!

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Sprechen

ze English?

- Please stop.

Yes, we speak English.

You're right, they're Americans.

- How could you tell, right? (laughs)

So we're stranded.

- Clearly.

- Yes, are you guys by any chance headed to Vienna?

'Cause we would love a ride.

- And what will we get?

- That's the thing.

We don't really have anything to give,

except for, you know, receiving

our charming company. - Shh!

Look, ladies.

We have nothing, okay? (dramatic orchestral music)

The only thing that we can offer you

is the opportunity of a lifetime

to literally save our lives!

And when I get home, I'm gonna tell my mom and dad

that we were saved by two beautiful Austrian ladies!

And they saved our lives this one time when Nick's uncle

decided to royally fucked us for no reason!

And also, when I Googled Australia,

all I saw was pictures of beautiful blonde surfer babes,

and friendly kangaroos!

All I've seen here is green hills, cows,

weirdos in a sex party and Franz!

- Fuckin' Franz.

- We're in Austria. - Whatever, dude.

- Enough, get in.

We'll figure out payment on the way to Vienna.

- (sighs) My God, thank you!

- Thank you so much, guys, you're amazing!

- That's great!

Great, great!

Terrel saves the day.

- I take care of it, no problem, no problem.

- I'm gonna get comfortably get cozy up in here.

What's your name?

- Hey!

Don't look at her like that!

I go 21 ton on your ass!

Okay? - Okay, alright!

- Okay! - Okay.

Did you see the mole on that motherfucker?

(playful European music)

- You Americans smoke the hashish?

- I don't know, actually.

We smoke pot.

- Of course we smoke the hashish!

In America, we're ballers.

Alright?

Is this hash gonna affect my asthma?

'Cause I don't know if we packed my asthma inhaler.

- Fat Matt Damon!

Smoke some, relax!

(upbeat techno music)

♪ Everybody go crazy

♪ Everybody go crazy

♪ Crazy

- You know what, guys?

I love you all.

- Wanna know somethin' about this RV?

Beautiful!

- For Americans, you're not that terrible.

You're not that bad.

Maybe I add you on Facebook, eh?

You wanna exchange numbers, we keep in touch, yes?

Yes? - He's got an idea here!

Exchange numbers, that's what we should do.

The first thing I do when I get a new phone.

(phone dings) Program that shit.

Put the numbers in there.

- You don't have phone?

- Well, we did.

Some old, ugly woman thing

stole it from us at the airport when we landed.

Fuckin' suck balls.

(elegant classical music)

- Yeah!

This is the fuck I'm talk--

Mozart?

I'm glad somebody else appreciates Mozart!

(suspenseful music) I try to tell these assholes

all the time how dope he is.

They always clown me.

Well, you know what?

I always say, that's my jam!

That's my thing!

- How weird is that?

It's like we're all meant to meet each other!

- You!

You're the moley mole lady!

- I think the hash has gone to your head, bro.

- No, no!

This is not the drugs!

This is not the drugs!

Terrel, that is your phone right now.

Look at the mole.

Look at the mole!

- Oh shit, you're right!

It's you!

- I demand our belongings back right now, okay?

- Sorry, Americans.

Finders keepers.

- You did not find that.

I found it.

At the Culver City Best Buy.

And I gave them my credit card information

and they immediately turned it down

and my mom bought me that phone.

And then you came along and stole it.

- All good?

- I am not leaving here without our phones and our wallets!

(speaks in foreign language)

- Oh, look!

It's the fuzz!

- The what?

- Interpol, yo!

You guys are busted!

Nick, go to the po-po and say we caught some criminals,

red-handed! - Happy to.

Happy to.

- Well, you do that,

I will tell police you hash dealers,

you made me smoke.

"No, I told them I didn't want hash

"but they force me to do it!"

- Fine.

You wanna play it like that, you conniving little bitch!

I'm going to the police right now.

- I'm sorry!

Please, please!

You can have the belongings back!

Your cellphones and everything!

Please take them, take them!

- We need all of them,

all of them now. - Please!

Take them, take them!

You, too!

Sorry!

- Where is the money?

- I spent it all!

- On what?

- On mostly hashish and Snickers, you know, munchies!

- And gas to drive us to Vienna.

- Ungrateful Americans.

- What? - Oh my God!

- [Carlos] Are you seeing this right now?

- [Nick] My God, check the ass on that chick!

- [Carlos] Wait a second, we've seen these girls before!

- [Nick] Dude, you're right!

They're the ones who took our cab!

(engine growls loudly)

(military drum solo)

- [Terrel] Well, well, well.

Aren't these the girls that stole our cab at the airport?

(speaks in foreign language)

- What?

- We could really use some help.

- You know what we could've used?

A cab yesterday. - Yeah!

- See, that's how kinda it all fuckin' works out!

The universe balances!

- Oh, of course, oh I'm sorry!

We were in a hurry.

- (laughs) No, no, no.

This isn't happening.

We've got somewhere to be tonight.

We're going to the greatest party on the planet.

- It's gonna be so much fun! - Yeah, it's gonna be amazing!

- So?

- Oh yes, the cute American boys!

(upbeat techno music) - You know what, it's okay!

It's totally cool!

You know what, drop it.

- Yeah. - The fact that

you guys apologized?

Class acts.

You guys are a bunch of classy broads.

I like that.

- So, listen.

Our car isn't working.

Do you think you can give us a ride to the next town?

Or

if any of you can fix cars,

I'll give you 100 euros.

- 100 euros!

Now you're speakin' my language!

Okay, guys.

Either you wait or you stick your thumbs out

if you want to go to Vienna!

- Well, how long will it take?

- Engine not broken, no gas, one hour maximum, I fix!

- Why don't you girls wait at the RV?

- Oh, good, thanks!

- Anyone want to play truth or dare?

- We're stayin'! - We're stayin'!

- I'm going with her. - Sisters!

Luna, Martha, come on, fix the car!

Come here!

- So, are we seriously playing truth or dare?

- Yeah, definitely. - Yes, I'm down, I'm down!

- Why not?

We have nothing else to do.

- Alright well, who's gonna go first?

- Ladies first!

- I'll go!

What's your name?

- Terrel.

That's the game?

- No, Terrel.

I need to ask you truth or dare?

- Truth.

- Have you ever seen another man's penis?

(girls laugh)

If so,

who?

- Well, I saw my man Nick's dick

a couple of times on this trip.

- Yeah.

- It was out all day, what do you want me to do, man?

- Okay, here's the story, alright?

We needed a ride, we needed some money,

so I

stepped up,

and showed my penis to a strange man.

(group laughs)

- Holy shit.

You must be nice, thick, if all these people want to see it!

- I mean, it's not irregular.

It's pretty normal.

- I mean, it does kinda go east

like you're trying to get a cab.

- Why were you looking at it?

I don't understand why you were looking at it.

- I was bored, you know. - Yo, Terrel, Terrel.

Your turn?

Ask someone truth or dare.

- Tiffany. - Tiffany!

- I pick dare.

- Oh! - Oh, dear!

- I dare you to kiss one of your girls.

Kiss two of your girls.

- Oh! (scoffs) - Nice!

- Come on! - Aww, boo!

- (laughs) You said kiss!

I did it. - Yeah, fine.

- Nick.

Truth

or dare?

- Dare.

I guess.

- I dare you to take me into the bedroom,

and show me this thing that everyone keeps talking about

to make money for.

- Right now? - Right now!

- Right now!

- Carlos, you wanna take my turn?

- I got it, bro. - Let's go.

- Will she take my turn?

(sexy upbeat music) (loud shouts)

- Sexy American boy.

I can teach you so many things!

Ooh, you're hot!

- So, are we doing this or what?

- Yes!

- Yeah? - Let's see it.

- I mean, it's cold, we're in Austria.

- Ooh,

it's pointing right at me.

I think I need a closer look!

(soft kissing sounds) (gnashing teeth)

- Wait, no teeth.

- Happy?

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- I'm straight. - I'm definitely straight.

- You good, Carlos? - Mm-hm.

- Good.

- Okay, Victoria.

Truth or dare?

- Dare.

(sexy romantic music)

- Show your tits.

- Okay.

Zoey, can you help me?

- Oh, my God.

- These are the best days of my life.

- Okay, Terrel, dare or dare?

- [Terrel] The first one.

- I dare you to kiss Zoey.

Carlos, you wanna make out?

- Oh, my God!

I gotta go pee.

Fuck!

I gotta go pee.

Sorry!

(soft splashing)

(sighs)

(soft tinkling)

(playful European music)

I feel like we're being watched.

- [Girl In Green] It's okay, my love.

I like being watched when we're doing it.

(loud moo) - Are you serious?

- [Girl In Green] Yes!

- [Carlos] Okay, whatever turns you on!

- [Girl In Green] Yes!

(soft moaning)

(soft moaning) (cow moos)

- You sleep with my daughter!

Now you marry her!

("Wedding March") - Are you guys kidding me?

- Hurry up!

- As long as no one objects to this wedding,

I can marry you!

- I object!

(rifle clicks)

Okay, okay, okay, cool, okay, cool!

- Or, Father, can't you speed things up a bit?

I want to get started on my honeymoon with my new husband!

- What?

Are you for real? - Okay.

So.

Do you want to take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- I do! (sighs) - Really?

- And do you want to take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I'm sorry, can you repeat the question, please?

- Do you want to take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- (stutters) Oh, I do, okay, okay, yeah, yeah.

- Wonderful.

So before I pronounce you man and wife,

is there anyone here who objects

to these two getting married?

- Wait!

I object!

- Who are you?

- Who am I?

I'm his lover! - What?

(sexy romantic music)

- You can't be his lover, you both are men!

- This is 2016,

you bigot!

There is nothing wrong with this, okay?

It is beautiful. - Yeah.

- You are beautiful! - Dude, what are you doing?

- In nomine Patris...

(sexy romantic music)

- Now, if you'll excuse us.

(playful orchestral music) - Why did you put

your hand on my ass? - Why the hell

did you kiss me?

- Oh! - Whoa!

- No, Father, no!

- Ugly chicken! - Ugly chicken!

(gun fires)

- He didn't ask me to come.

I was the fastest dude in my high school.

They too much!

(playful orchestral music) - Start the RV!

- Start the RV! - Start the RV!

- Guys, guys, guys! - Dude, just go!

Go, go, go, go!

You gotta drive, man!

You don't wanna know!

There's a shotgun wedding! - And then Nick out of nowhere

kissed me and used his tongue!

- [Nick] I don't wanna talk about it!

- [Carlos] It was horrible!

- Dude, where are the girls?

(playful orchestral music)

Well, Sandro,

I can't say it was nice to meet ya

'cause that would be a lie

but last night was pretty interesting! (chuckles)

- Okay, guys.

If you ever need me,

you show this coin to any gypsie,

and they will bring you to me, Sandro.

- Really, that true?

- No, no.

It's just, I saw it Game of Thrones.

I can take that back.

Thank you.

By the way, you guys have MySpace?

- No! - No.

- Oh, okay, whatever, whatever!

Take care, guys.

Hey, Kobe Bryant, I love your music!

- I'm getting sick of this.

I'm getting sick of it!

(phone buzzes) - Oh, yo, yo.

Hey, man, we're here! (sighs)

- Hi, guys, where is here?

And where'd you get your phone?

- Here is the Hotel Vienna and

the phone is a long story, I'll get into it later.

- Hah, can't wait to hear it.

So I'll see you tonight at the club?

In the meantime, I made dinner reservations

for the three of you at the hotel steakhouse.

Already put down 500 bucks so eat like kings, okay?

- Oh, that is awesome, Uncle Nick!

- Yo, you fuckin' rock, dude!

- Hey, yo, when you come to LA, the burger's on me!

- (laughs) I'm gonna hold you to that!

There's more, boys!

I have presents waiting in your hotel rooms

and a limo will be at the hotel entrance

at 10 p.m. sharp to pick you up.

This is my big day.

Don't forget my ring.

- I won't, Uncle Nick.

We're so excited!

- One more time.

Do not forget my ring. (suspenseful piano burst)

- Okay. - Okay, got it.

- Don't forget the ring. - Don't forget the ring.

- You got the ring? - Yeah, I got the ring.

- Okay, don't forget it.

Okay, let's go.

(sexy romantic music)

- Are you ready for me, Daddy?

I've been ready for you my whole life!

(playful orchestral music)

(heavy metal music)

(door rattles)

(heavy metal music)

(door rattles)

- Excuse me--

Sir?

This limo's for us?

I think this limo's for us.

Sir, please?

(heavy metal music)

- Ladies!

(upbeat techno music)

Dude!

- Hi, I'm looking for my Uncle Nick?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. White, man!

You uncle knows that your limo's just arrived.

He said you should come into the lobby and wait.

Have a drink, relax.

Gonna be there in a couple of minutes, alright?

- You the man!

I like this guy!

- Go, mate!

Way to go, mate.

Go on now.

(upbeat techno music)

- Ohoho, yeah! - Whoa!

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Good evening, you gentlemens!

Your uncle will be down very soon.

In the meantime, do you guys wanna drink anything?

- Can you tell me where the bathroom is?

I don't know about these guys but (chuckles)

I really gotta pee!

- Yeah, me too, the champagne goes right

through the groin!

- Yes, and when you guys back, I will real service!

- Alright. - Thank you!

- Follow me, gentlemen.

- Yes we are.

- I'll follow her. - I can do that.

- Oh, dude, I gotta pee.

- Listen, I can't wait to see my uncle, man!

It's been years!

- I can't wait to see all these women

and all this bottle service!

- Oh, me neither, bro! (soft splash)

- Really?

- Sorry, dude.

Sorry.

(suspenseful music) - Well, well, well.

- Oh, great! - Hey!

Mr. Chase!

So cool scene, you here?

- Is it?

I thought when you boys left Salzburg

you boys thought you can rip me off and never see me again.

- We weren't trying to rip you off, man!

We saw these two following us the whole time.

They're not exactly hard to spot.

- Well, that's true,

but I just don't trust you boys.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Okay, alright.

- Hey, hey, hey, take it easy, take it easy,

take it easy.

- [Carlos] Dude, we're gonna pay you back.

- Maybe.

But I have a bad feeling.

I got a bad feeling somebody should die.

(suspenseful music)

Mr. White, these are the boys who were going

to steal 10,000 euros from you.

- (laughs) How come my nephew can only get

to my fortune and businesses rip me off?

- Oh, I didn't know-- - Listen, Melvin.

Why don't you and your boys get a drink?

Your only job right now is to keep these boys safe.

You are now their private bodyguard, you got me?

- Yes, Mr. White, thank you, sir, thank you.

Let's go.

(tinkling sound) (laughter)

("The Godfather Theme") - I meant what I said.

You are the only person I have to leave all this to.

And I miss you.

And even though I'm surrounded by people,

I am very lonely sometimes and I miss my family.

- Me, too!

What's this for?

- Nightclub Incorporated had said the owner

must wear this ring.

Ring finger to the party.

He just never said which owner.

- Are you kidding me?

- [Uncle Nick] You're the son I always wanted.

- Oh, how adorable!

I'm gonna cry.

Don't, your mascara will run.

- So wait.

Nick owns this nightclub?

- He owns half of it.

- So wait a second.

So

I have the ability to hire and fire people?

- [Uncle Nick] Okay.

- Okay.

Terrel.

I feel I've low self esteem.

I've been a neurotic,

scared mess most of my life,

but your relentless positivity

has pushed me to do things

that I never thought I could do.

So I'm going to hire you to teach my staff

how to be positive and kind.

- Oh, man, you know I'm down.

How much does it pay?

- A lot.

- Carlos.

You're a mean,

belligerent,

tiny little human being.

You're gonna be my new head of security.

- Amen, bro.

- That position pays a lot, too.

- Plus, you guys, you have free drinks,

you need to party all night long every single night.

- Get the hell outta here!

- Actually let's all get the hell outta here!

What are we doing in the dark,

when we could be standing

in the best nightclub in the world, huh?

- Let's party!

- Like bosses!

- [Boys] Yeah!

(upbeat techno music)

- So I'm havin' lunch with Schwarzenegger, right.

- What? - Yeah!

- Arnold? - Arnold, man!

- I love Mr. Universe.

- You know what, Arnold can go eat a dick.

Am I right?

(speaks in foreign language)

- Cuba Gooding Jr!

- From Radio? (speaks in foreign language)

- So, I really like your boobs.

You know, when you got them out the other day in the RV?

We were really close to makin' out

and I had to run away 'cause I had to pee.

But I don't have to pee right now

so I thought maybe we could,

I don't know, we could make out if you want.

- I don't know what you're saying but it sounds sexy.

You guys cousins or something?

- Yes, we are cousins.

- And we share everything together!

- I'm gonna get the check, please!

- You look like Ron Jeremy.

- Really?

He is like an uncle to me

and I did teach him everything he knows!

I can show you some moves if you like!

- Really?

- Yeah?

- Okay!

(upbeat techno music)

♪ Yeah

♪ We from the euro club

♪ We from that euro club

♪ Euro club

♪ We own that euro club, that euro club ♪

♪ We own that euro club, that euro club ♪

♪ That euro club

♪ Hey, yo, back in my club

♪ We own that euro club, I'm on my way ♪

You're boring!

Dino, I love you.

(smack)

Why you always hit me?

♪ Yeah, my boys

♪ We went and down

Hello!

♪ We try to get lucky

♪ Euro headed

♪ Always spendin'

♪ Never get one, always get ready ♪

♪ This is how we do it with every town we stayed in ♪

♪ Tell you what it is

♪ You can come with Mr. Teddy

♪ Salzburg what's up

♪ Don't you know we never had enough ♪

♪ And we always try to get the luck ♪

♪ 'Cause you know what it is 'cause I'm here to fuck ♪

♪ Baby what's your name

♪ No sprechen

♪ Tell you what it is and I'm off the main ♪

♪ Imma tell you what it is, I'm goin' insane ♪

♪ We from that euro club,

♪ We from that euro club

♪ I'm on my euro club

♪ We are that euro club

♪ We own that euro club

♪ We own that euro club

♪ We own that euro club, that euro club ♪

♪ We own that euro club, we own that euro club ♪

♪ We are that euro club, we are that euro club ♪

♪ I am that euro club, I am the euro club ♪

♪ Now you know I'm here to fuck ♪

♪ Don't you know I'm here to fuck ♪

♪ We own that euro club, we own that euro club ♪

♪ We own that euro club, we own that euro club ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ We own that euro club, we own that euro club ♪

♪ 'Cause you know why I'm here ♪

♪ Yeah, we from that euro club ♪

♪ We from that euro club

♪ Euro club

♪ We own that euro club, that euro club ♪

♪ We own that euro club, that euro club ♪

♪ That euro club