Original subtitles

Oh, hi. I'm Betty.

I'm the broker for this listing. Are you here for the open house?

You put my condo on the market?

Yeah, did a lot of people show up?

I priced it to move.

Betty from Orbit is very angry.

She kicked over the For sale sign right in front of me.

Yeah, I interviewed a lot of brokers

and she was particularly unhinged.

I gave her your cell.

This is totally disproportionate to my last prank on you.

Are you kidding me? You made me think I had a chance with Collette.

You obviously don't have a chance with Collette

and this could affect my credit score.

- Uh, hey. Hey guys. - I hope so.

Can I talk to everyone really quick?

Retaliation will be outsized and devastating

and at a time of my choosing. Okay?

- Is that now? - I'm late. I know.

My son stuck a Lucky Charm up his nose.

- Also I slept in. I'm sorry. - Guys!

I have just received an intra-department memo.

It's pretty serious. An Officer Whelon from precinct 2.1

- was hurt on the job today. - What happened?

Apparently, he stepped on a rake

and then he fractured his occipital bone.

Were Moe and Curly anywhere near the scene?

- No. - And was there a coconut sound

when the rake hit him in the face?

Okay. I just need you all to be very careful on the job, alright?

Just, please wear your PPE, okay?

Amen, guys.

That's why we should all be wearing our rake helmets.

Hey. Did you list your apartment?

What about?

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -

You know, this is my first weekend

since the breakup with Camila

where I wasn't completely miserable.

I think I might have turned a corner.

You know, you don't want to heal too fast.

There's something to be said

for staying in that sad, very, very quiet space.

For a couple of months even.

Well, seems like you had a good weekend.

Kudos on the prank with Victoria.

Thanks, I didn't get much sleep

'cause I was falsifying tons of documents.

You guys go at it. I love the dark flirting.

- The what? - Dark flirting.

It's like you have this love language of humiliation and revenge.

We're not flirting, we're just coworkers goofing around

to kill time at the office.

Got it. Totally.

Though the prank did happen at her condo on a Sunday.

Truck 12, report of a noise disturbance for a peacock

in a residential neighborhood, 1214 Hidden Lane.

Truck 12 responding.

Peacock!

I know it's a prank, but it's not a terrible time for you to sell.

- Oh, really? - Market's gonna soften.

Be a good time for you to get liquid. Play in other sectors.

Maybe mix use warehouses.

I'm not sure how much I like real estate, Patel.

He's always working an angle.

I just don't want you to miss out.

See? Stuff like that. How does Maya feel about real estate, Patel?

Certainly doesn't mind making a little extra cheddar.

Ugh.

Hi. Animal Control.

- Yeah. - Three guesses why we're here.

I just put the peacock in the backyard.

The neighbors complain again?

I told them, all you have to do is call me if it gets too loud...

I hope you're here to confiscate that bird.

Why don't you take it easy, Jen?

You take it easy, Brent.

- Get in the truck. - Why?

It's about to go south.

- They are just people. - They're not people, they're neighbors.

- Get in the truck. - Do something about it!

Okay, folks, I recently got out of a long-term relationship.

Why didn't it work? A lot of reasons.

Cultural differences, distance,

but mainly, we talked past each other.

So let's not do that, okay?

Brent's already said if the peacock gets too loud

- he can just call him. - Well Brent's a liar.

Why don't you say that again, Ted?

- Oh! - That bird's gotta go!

No, guys! Everybody calm down!

Stop! I'm telling you to stop.

Oh!

Ughhh!

Jeez.

You alright?

Melons?

My god, Jen.

Okay.

Really, I'm fine.

This is exactly what I was worried about.

Shred, I really think you need to go to the hospital.

They're just gonna tell me to follow concussion protocols.

I've been through this before. Rest for 12 hours and try not to sleep.

Someone should watch him.

Like a partner?

Like one, but not exactly one.

- I'll do it. - What are you trying to get out of at home?

Sixth grader slumber party.

Eight girls, three cliques, there will be no winners.

Are you gonna take his care seriously?

Totally. What platforms you working with?

Xbox, Playstation.

That'll do. You like Thai food?

- Not really. - You're probably just ordering wrong.

I'll walk you through it. Let's roll.

Okay, no strobing lights, though!

He's in good hands.

Oh, my gosh. Dispatch is getting inundated

with complaints about the peacock.

- Can't we just confiscate the bird? - Good luck.

We can't take the bird unless it makes noise

for three continuous minutes and it has to be recorded.

We all know where this is going, right?

Stakeout. Like on the force.

Yeah, I always hated the rampant corruption

but I always loved a stakeout.

A stakeout. Sure.

Um, you should probably team up with someone on this though.

No. He looks way too excited.

Great. I'll need an unmakes car with hideaway lights

- and a trucker buddy. - I don't know what that is.

Portable urinal. I'll go change into my streets.

- I'm sorry. - No. No, no, no.

He can't just urinate with me in the car.

I hope he doesn't.

Dude, watch your six. Watch your six!

I thought you were watching my six.

- You're dead. - My brains are everywhere.

That's a concussion you don't recover from.

- Try the wings. - Okay. I've never had one of these.

A little spicy.

- Woah! Whoa! Wait! - Ride the beast.

- No. This is hot! - Ride the beast.

- No, I want water, man. - No! Eat something.

That'll put it out.

The curry's probably a bad call though.

Ugh! Ow! Why does this exist, man?!

- That's very spicy. - Who eats this?

- Eat the rice. - The Rice? Oh.

You bastard, dude. It's so hot.

What the hell?

- Wait for it. - For what?

Oh! Whoah!

- I feel all buzzy. - That's the endorphins kicking in.

Your mouth just stuck a half pipe, bro.

- You got anything hotter? - You warrior. I love it.

Just so you know, there is a second surge wave coming.

It's gonna hit land in about six hours.

- I'm not worried about it. - You should be.

Shall we clear the Al-Qaeda cell from downtown Dayton?

Let's show Ohio what is up.

Bro, you need to stay with me this time.

Are you expecting someone?

No. Protect my guy. He's fast, but he's not strong.

It's so fun!

- Emily? - Hey. Can I come in?

- Of course, yeah. Come on. - Okay.

I was worried about you.

- Why? - Bro!

You just got another traumatic brain injury.

Oh, hey Emily.

Patel! What... loud music?

Bright strobing lights? Violent images?

- Are you kidding me? - What? No, he's fine. Right, bro?

I think the second wave's hitting early.

Thai food.

Ah, journaling your thoughts with a pen and paper. That's cute.

I always figured that we're not of the same generation.

- How was the war? - I am logging in my log book.

- This is so dumb. - Time in.

- What? - Start clocking the squawks.

Okay.

Remember, we need to record

three straight minutes of squawking for the lawyers.

Man, I love all animals

but what exactly is the upside to this pet?

Time.

Seven seconds.

Oh. This could be a very long night.

Oh, we gotta go over the ground rules.

There's really only one rule, which is no pranking on stakeouts.

- Why? - It's just a request.

- Would you please respect it? - Sure.

- You're not gonna respect it. - No, I'm not.

- What are you doing? - Oh my gosh!

A little big jumpy there, Frank.

Don't forget to write that in your log book.

"8:07PM, Frank has the yips."

Okay. How are you feeling?

- I'm really okay. - No headaches or nausea?

- Touché! - Patel!

I'm so sorry.

You are officially fired as nurse.

Alright, you can go home.

We were actually having fun.

- Yeah. - Fun is not the primary objective.

It's to avoid a seizure.

I'm almost sure I haven't had a seizure.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he hasn't had a seizure.

- Definitely not a major one. - Yeah, I, no...

Well, I can take it from here. I cleared my night.

Oh, wait. Now I feel bad.

- Did you have big plans? - Yeah, I did.

I don't want to go into details, but they were substantial plans.

- That sounds made up. - It's not made up.

Well I can't go home. The girl's slumber party!

Oh yeah. We've been following it on social media.

The Kaitlyn and Lucile thing came to a head

- and guess where Rose ended up? - Yep.

- On the outs. - The outs.

Alright. Well, if you are going to stay

then we all need to be mellow and chill.

Okay. How chill?

Like, um... Like board game chill.

Sounds great. Shred, go and prepare the funeral.

- For the buzz? - For the buzz.

- French fry? - Sprinkled with laxatives? No thanks.

If it was laced with laxatives

wouldn't I have gotten you your own bag?

You tell me. The stakeout was really sudden

so you could have a ton of dangerous ideas in the works

but not had a chance to think them through.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you so obsessed with pranks

when being on the receiving end is clearly torture for you.

I'm not obsessed. It's just something I've always done.

Being on the force, growing up with brothers.

Easy access to fireworks.

It's not my theory.

- You got a theory? - I do. It's a simple one, but yeah.

- Okay. - You have intimacy issues.

And pranks are a way to keep

people at arms length.

- Intimacy issues? - Yeah.

How sad. It's just pure projection.

It's very lazy police work, Officer Sands.

Okay, that is not projection.

I get intimate two to three times a week.

Sometimes more in summer months.

Maybe it's not actual intimacy

and it's just you trying to fill a bottomless well of need.

Oh, wow. Kitty got claws.

Look, stakeouts can get pretty real and they can be powerful moments...

Please stop talking. I don't want to talk.

And I'm freezing. Doesn't this thing have heat?

Yeah, right here.

Got ya! Oh, my gosh!

That went even better than planned.

Talc? That's the big prank?

You should see your face.

You know, if I could see it, it would be a look of

profound disappointment because, where's the pageantry?

Where the intricate planning?

There should be bees coming out of the vent.

Yeah, I know it's old school but you didn't see it coming.

Time in. Start the clock.

Here we go.

You're a jackass.

Okay, this is gonna be so much fun.

Does everyone have their tea?

Yay.

I am gonna have to call dibs on this thimble.

Oh. I've always been a wheelbarrow man.

- Really? - Mmhmm.

How married are we to this music?

Yeah, is this, uh, folk? Elevator folk?

- Is that a thing? - What is it?

It's a playlist off the restorative channel.

Well, I'm battling 11 years of parenting exhaustion

and I'm gonna need some stimulus here.

Have some tea, bro.

Yeah, get some dandelion up in you.

- It's good, right? - It is.

Oh god.

Just ten more seconds!

2:53, 2:54... 2:55-

Ugh!

You have got to be kidding me.

This bird is good.

Hey, uh, sorry about the bottomless well of need comment.

I have no business knocking you for wanting to enjoy your life.

I have fun. But it does get exhausting.

I've been waking up pretty wretched the morning after.

That's called a hangover, and they only get worse when you get older.

You know, I always give you crap about your age.

- Hm. - But I don't even see you as old.

Okay. Whatever.

I need caffeine, so I'm gonna head around the corner to the gas station

and get us a coffee.

Yeah, yeah that sounds pretty good, rookie.

Dang. Baltic Ave again.

Oh. Patel, I owe you more rent.

Patel?

Mm.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, he's like totally asleep.

Poor guy ran around like a top and just tuckered himself out.

You know, he's actually a really fun guy.

Well, maybe he can still be fun.

- What are you thinking? - Well, I am annoyed at him

that he dropped the ball on taking care of you

and the depth of his slumber is, um... an opportunity.

Emily Middle Name Price. What'd you have in mind?

A big L on the forehead?

You know what? I'm gonna surprise you.

And you.

Ah... Ugh... Ah...

Oh, come on. Wake up, leg. Come on.

What?

Are you Ebeneezer Dawkins?

I'm Frank Shaw with Animal Control.

- Do you have some ID? - Sure.

- Could you come with me? - What's going on?

Now don't get agitated, I'm trying to help you.

Okay. Ah, ooh. There it is again.

Ah! I can't sit for that long anymore.

There was a silver alert put out earlier this evening

for an Ebeneezer Dawkins

matching your description with possible dementia

who wandered off from a seniors centre.

Just look at my ID.

Yeah, that's you, Ebeneezer Dawkins.

That... clearly this is a fake ID.

My partner must have made it. Do I look 79?

Let me me get you in the light here, buddy.

Yeah, you're more like, you know, 60.

What?

- That was worth it all. - Hey, what's going on here?

Just a whole lot of gratitude for first responders like you.

- Be careful, it's hot. - That's my partner,

we're Animal Control and clearly she is pulling a prank.

Oh, you're kidding me?

It's a crime to send out a fake alert, you know that, right?

I do now.

But I feel like you're probably gonna let me get away with it.

That's true.

- Don't do it again. - Me?

- Bye. - Good night.

And now, I am getting texts from like everyone.

Oh yeah, an alert went out to the entire state.

Western Canada too.

Time.

You gonna be snippy all night because I bested you?

Time!

A minute, thirty.

What the hell was that?

It's him. It's C-38.

I think we solved our peacock problem.

Not the best solution, because he ate it.

And now we have to sedate him.

- I can't do it. - You're just sedating him.

No, we tranq him then we have to report it

and that he's been killing pets

in a residential area then they'll have to destroy him.

Well, he doesn't seem so un-dangerous right now.

I can't.

Frank!

That's actually really good.

I can't believe he didn't wake up.

I kind of want to check his vitals.

I was wondering something.

What? What's that?

Do you ever, like, miss snowboarding?

No.

I mean, I got to do more of it

than most people get to do in a lifetime,

so how can I complain, right?

And what is it anyway? You go up a hill in a chair

and then you go back down the hill.

Except your body's like a rocket ship

if a rocket ship could surf

and mountains were like 10,000 foot-high waves.

You sound completely over it, so...

- Yeah. - That's good. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah, no. I don't miss it at all.

Mmhmm. So, I actually have one more question for you.

Hm?

Do you have a feather?

Do I have a feather?

- I'm sorry. - Heck, you were just

trying to save my life.

Yeah, which you still haven't said thank you for, by the way.

Hm.

This is really tearing you up, huh?

Yeah. Not a lot in this world I admire.

C-38? It's just who he is.

Doesn't apologize, doesn't compromise.

Just a creature in perfect harmony with his surroundings.

And then people came and messed it all up.

It kills me I'm the one that did him in.

Who's to say you did him in?

I reckon he'll be safe up here.

Wow, in this light you can really see how muscled he is.

Seriously, if you want some alone time with him

I can wait in the truck.

He's waking up.

Bye, buddy.

Oh!

Ugh. I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep.

Yeah. You were... you were in and out.

What time is it?

Uh, it's almost midnight.

Oh. I better go relieve Maya.

- You okay, man? - Oh, yeah. I'm all good.

Obviously I only came here to get away from my family

and play with your stuff, but this was good.

- It really was. - And you, Madame Boss Lady,

- I'm sorry we gave you a hard time. - Don't worry about it, Luigi.

Maybe just leave the jokes to us.

- Yeah. - Alright, I gotta go lay down the law

with some incredibly mean-spirited sixth graders.

Good night.

Good night.

You know that if they find out about this we could lose our jobs?

Yeah. So, here we find ourselves having to trust each other.

Which I know is hard for you with the intimacy stuff.

It is a very unnatural feeling.

Maybe we should call it a truce on the prank war?

- Absolutely. - Right.

- Victoria Sands? - Starting tomorrow.

Ready to talk enlistment?

I'm not even a US citizen.

Oh I don't think you'll see combat, but I just want to say, in advance,

thank you for your service.

Where are you going? No, don't...

You know, I'm actually kind of jealous of Patel's moustache.

- Do you want one? - Well, I can't seem to grow one

and Camila always made fun of me for it.

Okay, well the artist is in session.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

- Do it. - Okay. Look at you.

- Just sit really still so I don't mess up. - Okay, I'm ready.

This is serious.

You know, I never asked you.

How did you end up getting the job at Animal Control?

It's kind of embarrassing.

Uh, I was an administrator at another precinct

and when Rick got injured,

um, my aunt who works for the City kind of pushed for me

to get the promotion.

I don't think that makes you unqualified.

Oh, good, 'cause, you know, I wasn't worried about that,

but now I am.

No! No, no, no! Oh, jeez.

No, 'cause you're like so good at your job.

- Oh, yeah. - You're like a natural leader.

For real. Really.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Okay, shut up so I can just finish this.

- Okay. - Alright, it's even.

- It's good? - Okay, it's really good.

Okay. I should get that.

Yeah.

Patel must have forgotten something.

Surprise.

Camila?

Did you grow a moustache?

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -