Original subtitles

-Hello, friends,

you are watching "The Great American Joke Off".

Tonight's show features top comedians --

Fahim Anwar,

Matthew Broussard,

Ed Gamble,

Natasha Leggero,

Alonzo Bodden,

Moshe Kasher,

and I'm Dulcé Sloan.

Let the joking begin.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome to "The Great American Joke Off",

the show that's just about the jokes.

Two teams will try to make us laugh in a series of rounds.

And the winners are whoever

I personally think are the funniest.

So start sucking up now.

[ Laughter ]

We've got lots of great games for you.

Is everybody ready?

[ Cheers and applause ]

We start with the game called...

..."You Know What Annoys Me?"

This is a chance for our performers to use this platform

to sound off about the everyday things

that really get on they last nerve.

So who's gonna start us off?

-You know what annoys me? The royal family.

There's a group of people that are rich and famous

just because of the family that they were born into?

Unh-unh, not in America.

In America, you have to work for that by making a sex tape.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Florida.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me

is guys sending [Bleep] pics.

You can't use the worst part of your body

as a selling point.

That's like trying to sell your couch

and sending pictures of the cigarette burns.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] -You know what annoys me?

I went on a date with a girl one time,

and she made fun of me for my colorblindness,

which is, to me, a huge gray flag.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Vaping smells too nice to be cool.

People who vape think they're cool.

Cigarettes smell horrible.

Vaping's too nice. You didn't see James Dean

ride off in his motorbike,

leaving a cloud of waffles and maple syrup behind.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

People selling life insurance. Look, I'm single.

I don't have any kids. If I die heavily in debt, I won.

[ Laughter ]

-The American dream. [ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me is bees at a picnic,

because you can't swat them because they can sting you.

So there's a level of respect.

A bee is basically a fly with a gun.

[ Laughter ]

People act the same way too, like, "Oh, no, it's a bee,

just be still.

Let it do whatever it wants."

-You know what annoys me?

The worst people in the world --

I think we all know who are talking about --

the people who bring their own balls to a bowling alley.

There are loads of balls already there.

You don't need to bring your own ball.

You're not showing up at a sperm bank

with your own sample pot.

"Oh, no, but this one's got my name engraved on it."

-You are very worked up about that ball.

[ Laughter ]

How often do you go bowling?

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Is the insult "pretty boy".

It just sucks so bad being called that,

'cause I have to pretend to be offended, you know?

Like, "Shut up, pretty boy."

I'm like, "No, you shut up."

But in my head, I'm like.

[ Laughter ]

-That is the biggest humblebrag I have ever --

[ Laughter ]

You wouldn't get away with that in a UK comedy club.

The audience would be up on their feet going,

"[Bleep] kill him now."

[ Laughter ]

-We traded hair styling tips

before the show, so it takes one to know one.

Yeah, Matthew's like, "You know what annoys me?

Keeping track of my bank account.

It's too big."

[ Laughter ] -"You know what annoys me?

When you trip over your own [Bleep]"

[ Laughter ]

-I feel you, I feel you on that.

[ Laughter ]

-Let me feel it, let me feel it!

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, he was joking around.

Alonzo's like, "100% yes."

-I was gonna say, "Could you keep it on your own side?"

[ Laughter ]

-Put it over here, put it over here.

[ Laughter ]

I got space. I'll give it a nice home.

[ Laughter ]

Right, that's great. Thank you very much.

Okay, I think the winners are

Matthew, Natasha, and Moshe!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now let's play a game called...

..."What, Where or Who?"

This is where we give our comedians something

you might say in either a location

in which to say it or a person to say it to.

So everyone, your "what" is bad things to hear from

and your "who" is...

...your roommate.

So let's hear some bad things to hear from your roommate.

Take it away.

-I wouldn't go in there for 10 minutes,

which is difficult 'cause that is your bedroom.

[ Laughter ]

-My podcast isn't getting any traction.

May I murder you?

[ Laughter ]

-You know, I think I might just dig a big hole

in the garden tonight to really work off

the stress of my girlfriend's disappearance.

[ Laughter ]

-Harry, have you seen our toothbrush?

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah, yeah, I just don't think

I should have to pay half the water bill

if I'm not gonna shower at all.

[ Laughter ]

-I can't keep track of all the toenails.

[ Laughter ]

-Your girlfriend is so pretty, especially when she's asleep.

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah, I'm going to need first month's rent,

last month's rent, and a semen deposit.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm cooking tonight, so I hope you like meth.

[ Laughter ]

-I knew your mom was hot,

but I didn't know she was that open-minded.

[ Laughter ]

-Is this mole getting bigger?

[ Laughter ]

-Put that away!

-Could you be louder having sex, please?

I'm trying to [Bleep] in here.

[ Laughter ]

-Did you know your girlfriend cheats easily?

[ Laughter ]

-Yes, the Wi-Fi password is all-caps in lowercase,

but all-caps is in lowercase, and lowercase is all-caps.

[ Laughter ]

-That wasn't yogurt.

[ Audience groans ]

-Well, if you liked that one, you're gonna love this one.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have used your toothbrush,

but technically speaking, mine [Bleep] is a cavity.

[ Audience groans ]

[ Applause ]

-All right, thank you very much.

Points to Ed Gamble for being a handsome English gentleman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Don't go away, we'll be right back with more of

"The Great American Joke Off" right after this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to "The Great American Joke Off",

where it's all about the jokes.

Our next round is called...

..."Get Up There!"

Two people are going to do stand-up,

and I'll decide the winner.

So let's see which two people that's gonna be.

♪♪

Okay, Alonzo and Matthew.

So you two, get up there in the stand-up area.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And Matthew, you're going first.

So let's see what your subject is.

♪♪

"Children".

Off you go.

-My girlfriend and I are not ready for children.

We have an IUD.

Any IUDs in the crowd?

[ Laughter ] No?

I'll come around with a metal detector later.

I didn't know about IUDs.

I didn't know what they were or how they worked.

And I assume the women here are already familiar,

but I'm a man, so I'm gonna explain it

with more confidence and less accuracy.

So what it is, it's this little T-shaped rod

wrapped in copper coils that goes up into the uterus.

I don't know how.

I think it's like one of those ship-in-a-bottle-type mysteries.

[ Laughter ]

An IUD is way simpler.

Just goes up there and then you can leave it there for that --

that's not where it is.

Is that too high?

I'm very dumb.

I feel like a Texas governor.

I'm like, "I don't know where it is,

and I don't want to know.

That's between you and God."

All right, your body, my choice.

No.

[ Laughter ] It goes up there --

I digress -- it goes up there, and you can leave it there

for like 10 years before it turns into a diamond.

And I was asking my girlfriend about it.

I was like, "So what kind of chemicals does it release?"

She goes, "No, no, no, it's just copper wire."

And I was like, "Well, how did

your gynecologist/electrician explain this steampunk cervix?

What is it, magic? Is it a Horcrux?

Are there side effects?"

She said, "Because it's non-hormonal.

She had fewer.

She said, "All I had was for a couple of days,

there was, like, a rusty discharge

and some mild discomfort, and that was it."

And I said, "That's crazy.

Rusty Discharge is my porn name."

[ Laughter ]

Here's a fun fact about copper IUDs --

they don't know why they work, they know that they do.

But the best explanation science has is, "Hey, paper beats rock,

copper beats baby."

I don't know.

[ Laughter ] Stop asking so many questions.

And I like to think it's up there like

a little Olympic gymnast holding the iron cross just like,

"I got this, just focus on your career."

[ Laughter ] Thanks so much.

-All right!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, Matthew.

Alonzo, let's see what you're doing.

♪♪

Okay, Alonzo, your subject is "Medicine".

Take it away.

-I am a strong believer in medicine.

I believe in the vaccine.

I got vaccinated early

back when you had to be over a certain age.

That's right.

I got fake I.D., I went in,

I told them I was 81 years old.

[ Laughter ]

They don't know, I'm Black.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I don't understand the anti-vaxxers,

the stupid arguments they come up with.

I mean, imagine how smart

the people were who created the vaccine --

doctors and scientists, geniuses.

And they're like, "We did it. We came up with a vaccine."

They're like, "It's not gonna work."

"Why not?"

"They won't take it."

"What? No! Why won't they take the vaccine?"

"Said it'll make them magnetic."

How do you argue with that?

How do you argue with somebody --

"I taking the vaccine, you know, it'll make me magnetic."

You know what I say? "You shouldn't take the vaccine.

The rest of us are trying to thin the herd.

And if we can get rid of you,

anti-magnetic people, we'll do a little better."

I think the only reason they came up with the magnetic story

was to make the Bill Gates story sound reasonable.

"Ooh, don't take the vaccine.

You know Bill Gates is tracking you."

What kind of ego do you have

that you think Bill Gates cares about you?

[ Laughter ]

You think a man with $100 billion

is just standing around his living room saying, "Man.

I wonder where Keith is at."

[ Laughter ]

Bill Gates ain't looking for Keith.

I'll take it a step farther.

If a man with $100 billion is looking for me,

I'm gonna be easy to find.

[ Laughter ]

Every time he opens his door.

"How are you doing, Mr. Gates?

Heard you were looking for me.

You know what? I'm-a go find Keith for you.

I'll be right back."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] -Thank you.

I think Alonzo was the winner.

Both of you come and sit back down.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now we play a game called...

..."In The Picture".

I'll show the teams an image and our comedians suggest captions.

So let's take a look at this image and see what's going on...

[ Laughter ]

...here.

-Did someone say they needed their car buffed?

[ Laughter ]

-This is what every Republican congressman

sees in his head at night when he shuts his eyes.

[ Laughter ]

-Introducing the new American flag.

[ Laughter ]

-Accurate.

-Both drivers were gay.

[ Laughter ]

-"Of course they crashed, there is no back to my thong."

-Is this what happens if you fart after a protein shake?

[ Laughter ]

-I feel really bad for those drivers.

They got T-boned and rear-ended.

[ Laughter ]

-"Don't worry, they're not gonna get more dead back there.

Now, take the picture."

[ Laughter ]

-I heard there was a fire, so I brought the hoes.

[ Laughter ]

-My clothes burned off, but I'm okay.

[ Laughter ]

-Is this what happens when the fire department

concentrate too much on their calendar shoots?

[ Laughter ]

-Legend has it, those used to be bike shorts.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] -All right!

Matthew Broussard put the work in, so he gets the round.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're gonna take a short break now.

Don't go away, there's more right after this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to "The Great American Joke Off",

where it's all about the jokes.

And now it's time for a game called...

..."That Reminds Me".

I'm going to ask a performer to start talking about any subject.

When they're done,

everyone else can take a turn to jump in and say,

"That reminds me," and do their own bit

based on any thought that has been triggered.

It all makes sense once we get going.

So who wants to start?

-My husband, he's always leaving his socks around.

And it would be one thing if guys would just

leave their socks on the floor,

but he will pick them up and put them by the bread.

It's like, why are your socks by the bread?

I'm asking you, really, I want to know.

-They're not all the way done yet.

[ Laughter ]

-That does remind me.

My wife leaves underwear everywhere

to the extent that female underwear is no longer sexually

titillating to me in any way whatsoever.

A bra is now just something a remote control might be under.

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me.

Women ask the most tough and ridiculous questions like,

"Do you remember?"

No, I'm a man.

We invented instant replay,

because we forgot stuff we just saw.

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me.

One time I walked in on a guy on the toilet.

And normally when that happened, someone would be like,

"Excuse me, someone's in here."

But he just looked up at me and he went,

"Hey, what's up?"

[ Laughter ]

He was expecting me.

The weirdest thing about it.

He wasn't on his cell phone.

He was just staring at the wall like a serial killer.

Like, he was taking a poop, like, in the '90s or something.

[ Laughter ]

Kids don't know that that's how we used to poop.

There was no Netflix. You just picked up

cleaning solution and that was it.

[ Laughter ]

-You know, that does remind me.

In order to have our child, I had to go to a clinic.

And I had to, you know, in the in the jar.

Every clinic in America has adult material to look at.

Who buys the porn?

Is it the doctor? Please say it's the doctor.

I love that image of a doctor in his little nerdy lab coat

in an adult bookstore, like,

"In my medical opinions,

I would say that 'Deep Porn 32' is the best

to produce the specimen."

-You said, "Who buys the porn?"

And I pictured a guy who looks and dresses exactly like you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I prefer her earlier works.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-That has unfortunately reminded me

of genuinely the time I did watch some porn,

and at the end there was --

in memory of the porn star who was in the --

[ Laughter ]

-No!

-That reminds me.

Yoga pants, they are so sexy.

And ladies, don't get mad at me for following you around

when you're wearing yoga pants,

because you are not going to a yoga class,

all right?

If we're in the grocery store

and you need something in aisle three,

I need something in aisle three.

[ Laughter ]

-And that reminds me -- "Buy yoga pants."

-It's funny. Alonzo, I tried following women

through the grocery store, and the police were called.

So I guess we have a different vibe.

-It's the mullet.

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, but that's because

you were looking at all the porn with your glasses

on the end of your nose.

-Dare I say the dairy aisle is the greatest...

[ Laughter ] -That reminds me.

Straight after the lockdown, I started getting tattoos,

because I thought it would make me look more rock 'n' roll.

But if you look at them now, it's really not worked, has it?

It doesn't work with this face at all.

It looks like I've added them to myself in "The Sims".

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me. Why are people getting face tattoos?

Like, now if you see someone with a neck tattoo,

it's charming.

You're like, "Oh, what law school did you go to?"

[ Laughter ]

-You want to look more metal with the tattoos?

-That was the plan.

-But you wore that shirt.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right, let's give that round to Moshe,

and he can share them with his wife.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now we come to one of my favorite rounds,

we call...

..."Celebrity Pickup Lines".

Okay. Make your way to the pickup area.

[ Cheers and applause ]

The way this works is that

I'm going to give you the names of some famous figures,

and I want you to come up with pickup lines

those people might use.

Ready? Let's try this suggestion.

Characters from "Star Wars". Let's go.

-Luke, I am your daddy.

[ Laughter ]

-Girl, are you R2-blank-2?

Because you look like you could use some D.

[ Laughter ]

-Grab some lube. We're going to the dark side.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm the dark side your mama warned you about.

[ Laughter ]

-Hey!

-They call me "Star Wars" 'cause I usually come in threes.

[ Laughter ]

-I call my penis Yoda, because it's small and powerful.

[ Laughter ]

-I swing both ways, So just call me Obi-Wan Keno-bi.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Breathes heavily ]

Sorry, I forgot to unzip my gimp mask.

[ Laughter ]

-To boldly go where no -- oh [Bleep]

that's "Star Trek".

[ Laughter ]

-That's the better franchise.

-I'm a Yoda in the streets and a Jar Jar Binks in the sheets.

[ Laughter ]

-I've never seen "Star Wars", I'm out of jokes.

[ Laughter ]

-Two in the Jar Jar, one in the Binks.

[ Laughter ]

-All right, all right, all right.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let's try this icon.

Batman.

-I'm actually like a bat in the bedroom, as well.

There's a lot of biting, and I squeak at the end.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm like the new "Batman" movie --

unnecessarily long.

[ Laughter ]

-This bat pole does more than go up and down.

[ Laughter ]

-Hey, do you want to make out in the alley

where my parents were murdered?

[ Laughter ]

-Alfred likes to watch.

[ Laughter ]

-How'd you like to get a virus from a bat that isn't COVID?

[ Laughter ]

-Quickly to the bat sex swing!

[ Laughter ]

-Wait, what about my skintight rubber suit

and young male gymnast assistant made you think I was gay?

[ Laughter ]

-All right.

[ Cheers and applause ] Well done!

Matthew, Natasha, and Moshe were the best from that round.

Come on back and sit down.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, don't move, I'll be back to tell you who won tonight's show

right after these messages.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back, that's the end of the show.

And in my opinion, the winners

of "The Great American Joke Off" this week are

Moshe Kasher, Natasha Leggero, and Matthew Broussard.

Congratulations to you.

Too bad for Fahim Anwar, Ed Gamble, and Alonzo Bodden.

See you next time.

Thank you all for watching.

Bye!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪