Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, nothing was more important

to my brother than Flyers hockey.

When they made it to the Stanley Cup Finals,

he knew exactly who to thank... Himself.

Because of my hard work

and unwavering dedication to the Flyers,

they are now on the precipice of becoming world champions.

Your hard work?

Who else has suited up for every game

in their quasi-officially sanctioned T-shirt,

stretched, ready to go,

with two orange popsicles in a bowl, always to the side?

I've seen this in sports films.

Superstitious nutballs think they somehow control

the outcome of the game,

so they repeat the behavior in hopes of another win.

Well, in my very special case, it works.

No one believes that.

Yes, my baby helped the Flyers win.

I'm as proud as the mothers of the players

I will be sitting with during the victory parade.

You do you, I guess.

But why are the rest of us involved in these antics?

In addition to all I will do to help the Flyers win,

here's what you will do.

Since the beginning of the season,

I've been tracking all your behaviors during games

to see if they help or hurt the Flyers.

You've been watching us?

I watch you all, too.

It's not weird. Go on, Barry.

Mom, let's start with you.

Ah, I'm number one on your list and in your heart.

For the last seven victories,

you served us food that was black and/or orange.

The colors of your team.

And construction signs

and monarch butterflies and Garfield.

It's all random nonsense.

Thus, everything we consume from here-to-forth

must be black or orange.

For my superstitious Schmoo, I'll make it happen.

Oh! I'm part of his life. Ha!

Wait, we have to eat carrots

and licorice for every meal

just to placate this lunatic?

Look who's too good to eat garbage.

When I was your age, I ate my own clothes,

and I loved it.

Which brings me to Pop-Pop.

I'm afraid you're not allowed in the house during the finals.

What are you yammering about?

The research shows when you're on the premises, we lose.

Facts matter. Yeah, but it's cold outside.

Where am I gonna go?

I've already enlisted Ginzy and Essie

to take turns hosting you at their homes.

Oh, a couple of broads are detaining me.

Not too shabby.

They fought me on it. Hard.

You're not the belle of the ball you think you are.

I hope your team loses.

Now, we come to Adam.

Sweet, precious Adam.

No water!

That was your water.

It was for dramatic effect.

You will not allow nature's tears to touch your lips

for the entirety of the Flyers playoff run.

And why, exactly?

Last Tuesday, you took a sip and Rick Tocchet

got a two-minute penalty for slashing.

You were also breathing, but I'm not unreasonable.

I'm definitely gonna drink water.

Thought you might say that.

Is this you holding up a knife to Optimus Prime?

And you'll never see him again unless you do what I say.

It's like five bucks. I'll get a new one.

Well, can you replace all your Transformers?

My babies!

Fine! I'll drink soda all day, every day!

Ya happy?! Not yet.

You also can't change your underwear.

What?

When you don your current tighty-whities, the Flyers win.

It's just math.

How do you even know that?

On second thought, never tell me.

I made Doritos and Oreo tops.

Yes!

Our championship run starts now.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

- Captions by VITAC...

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was spring 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff were packing up baby Muriel

for a day with Grammy Linda and Grampy Lou.

Ooh, "Goodnight Moon."

The perfect sleepy-time book for any baby.

And some emotionally in-touch dads.

It's not like Muriel needs anything to help her

fall asleep at your parents' house.

What's that supposed to mean?

A day with your parents isn't exactly baby Mardi Gras.

They just plop her down in front of a boring documentary

or have her watch your dad

as he counts out his afternoon prunes.

Six prunes.

It's only a small part of the day.

And they have some fun toys over there.

You mean like that one wooden spoon and Lou's car keys?

Car keys to you, but with a baby's imagination,

they open the door to wonder.

And that strange cedar box in his closet.

What's in there, Papa?

When my mom has the baby, they go to the park,

the museum, the petting zoo.

And then she puts together

a photo album of the whole thing.

Sure, they're clearly treasured keepsakes,

but your mom also gets way more time with the baby.

Like every day.

Unlike your parents, my mom plans active, fun things to do.

It's cool.

It's important for Muriel to learn that some days

are total snooze-fests.

I can assure you that today,

our daughter will be living it up

in the streets with the people.

I don't think I've ever seen your dad in sunlight,

but I definitely believe your hollow words, sweetie.

There's our granddaughter we never see.

Look at her, Linda. She's all grown up.

Does she even remember who we are?

Muriel, I'm your father's mother.

I get it. You'd like to see her more,

but she's here now.

So, what fun and exciting things

are you gonna do with her today?

We're in the middle of a 15-part documentary

on the Civil War.

But we wouldn't mind starting over for the baby.

Your mother slept through all of the burning of Atlanta.

Maybe less sitting on the couch, being horrified,

and more being out in the world?

Well, your father is getting into

still-life photography.

I bet Muriel would love to see

my "Fruits of the Americas" series.

The light dancing on a plum

will make you think there's a God.

Pictures of second-tier fruit? That's all you got?

Why are you yelling at us?

Because Erica has this idea

that you guys don't do a lot with the baby,

and frankly, she's right.

We do all sorts of stuff.

Linda, get my keys.

And throw caution to the wind.

Grab the wooden spoon, too.

Oh, my God.

Beverly is crushing you guys.

It's not a competition.

It really is, and you're losing badly.

Take her to a museum, to the park, to swim.

And take some photos of your granddaughter, not purple fruit.

Plums actually come in a variety of hues.

Yes, they are a beautiful and diverse species,

but now is not the time.

I think we get it. Right, Lou?

For sure. Mm-hmm.

Just like the Union soldiers at Bull Run,

we will not let you down.

They lost that one. Huh?

I guess I fell asleep, too. Mm-hmm.

Plum juice is also a sedative. Be better.

While Geoff convinced his parents to get off the couch,

Vic was shooing people away from them.

Whatever you do, do not buy that sofa bed.

It is shoddily made by child laborers

and filled with asbestos and mercury.

Uh, Vic? Hmm?

I'm no salesman, but what the are you doing?

I'm freaking out. That's what I'm doing.

It's all because of that stupid commercial.

Commercial? You really don't know?

Oh, Beverly, come and witness the horror.

The horror.

Hello, Greater Philadelphia.

Do you love the Flyers?

Because I-I know I do.

I'm from Edmonton, a lifelong Oilers fan.

The Ottoman Empire is so committed to seeing our Flyers

go all the way that we promise to give you 100% back

on your purchase if our boys win the Stanley Cup.

A hundred percent?!

That's all the percents!

That's right, random loyal customer whom I've never met.

We'll give you a full refund on items such as...

bureaus...

headboards...

Ow.

Or the bean bag of your dreams.

So come on down to the Ottoman Empire

and get your furniture for free!

All their money back?

Why would you say such a thing?

I gotta say it brought in a lot of people,

but against all odds, the Flyers just kept winning.

So we lose a couple of bucks. How bad can it be?

If we have to give all that money back,

there's no way that we're gonna be able to keep the store afloat.

But my son needs his team to win.

Your son needs his mama to keep a roof over her head!

Stop yelling at me!

You're the one that threw us into financial chaos.

I-I'm sorry. I-I-I'm not doing well.

My hair is turning white!

What are we gonna do?

For one thing, you are gonna keep your mouth shut.

Barry cannot know any of this.

And who knows? Maybe the Flyers will lose.

You're right. It could be okay.

It will be okay.

While Vic was in big trouble,

Lou and Linda had no trouble at all

showing their granddaughter a good time.

We've triumphantly returned!

From a day on the couch? Nice.

Au contraire, Erica.

We adventured to The Academy of Natural Sciences

and saw a T. rex.

Both Muriel and Lou were terrified.

God destroyed those demons for a reason.

Guys, I gotta say, I'm impressed.

Well, prepare yourself to be wowed

because we also took her to the zoo.

And the "Rocky Steps."

Wow. You sort of did it.

And perhaps they're worthy of a little more

of Muriel's time and attention?

They really are. I mean, look at her.

She is zonked from her amazing day out.

I'm gonna go put her down.

Well done, guys.

Oh, my God.

That was the longest day of my life.

Who walks that much?

Blood is filling my socks.

And the sun.

It sucked me dry like a juice box.

This is how it ends. I can say it now.

I never liked your sister.

Oh, you guys are still here?

Just basking in the glory of our magical day.

About that... Muriel's free again tomorrow

if you want another day of fun in the sun.

Tomorrow?

The shortest amount of time

possible between now and forever?

This is a pretty big step, you guys.

So what do you say?

Happy to do it. Our pleasure.

We are so Linda.

I know it.

As Lou and Linda were tormented by their win,

Barry's Flyers were heading for a loss.

No!

Mom, what are you doing? We lost.

Right. We did lose.

Um, and I'm so upset that I feel like

I need to dance away the pain.

We all grieve differently, I guess.

Indeed. Well, ugh, the dancing worked.

So now that it's all over, I guess we can go back

to our lives of financial stability, huh?

Oh, it's not over.

This is just the first game. It's a best-of-seven series.

So, you're saying the Flyers actually have a shot at winning?

You know it. I'm as hopeful as you.

Yes, I'm hopeful. You're hopeful.

Who cares about the specifics?

That woman is my rock.

More importantly, this proves all your silly superstitions

had zero effect,

so I'm just gonna drink some agua and freshen up my BVDs.

Oh, not so fast.

Stop being such a prima donna.

In 12 days, you can drink as much water as you want.

My underwear isn't holding up to the rigorous grind

of a young man in the world.

I had a homeless gentleman move away from me on the bus.

Just turn it inside out

and buy yourself four more days.

'Cause it doesn't make sense. We did everything right.

What's this one going on about?

Pop-Pop? What are you doing here?

Oh, there he is.

Ben, you ran off on us.

Your house makes my skin itch.

Well, you said you weren't allergic

to my Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.

Not your dumb mutts, the decor.

Who puts plates on the walls?

They're decorative ceramics.

Even I think they're a little too much.

You have a Navajo rug on your wall.

It's not a rug. It's a tapestry.

If you can vacuum it, it's a rug.

Enough hilarious in-fighting.

Pop-Pop's presence is clearly why the Flyers lost.

But the good news is it's easily fixed.

No! Bar, I can't do this anymore!

My crotch feels like the swamp where Yoda taught Luke how to Jedi.

Colorful stuff. The briefs stay on.

Now take the old man away!

By force, if necessary.

No, I'm not comfortable with that.

On it. Please, no!

They drink milk with dinner,

and everyone has to stay at the table till they're finished.

And so, for the next few days,

Barry did everything exactly right.

Let's go!

And what do you know? It seemed to work.

The Flyers started to win.

Goal!

Yeah.

And win again.

No, the Flyers weren't always victorious,

but when they lost,

well, there was a perfectly good reason for it.

Wait a second.

How the hell did this get in there?

Wait, wh... How did that get in there?

It's so weird.

Don't worry, Mama.

We're gonna win this, and when we do,

it's gonna be the best thing that's ever happened to me...

and therefore you.

Oh, for sure.

Your happiness is absolutely my only priority.

Vic, we're gonna make the Flyers lose.

Oh, good.

I was waiting for you to come up with a practical solution.

Lou and Linda were trying to psych themselves up

for another day with Muriel, but it wasn't going great.

Okay, we have been doing nothing with the baby for a while.

The ice is doing bupkus for my swollen feet.

I think that that's just how they are, sweetie.

I don't need judgment. And what are you drinking?

This is a sports-themed beverage.

It's going to give me Michael Jordan's ability

to not die while pushing a stroller.

Let me sample this neon juice.

Dammit, that's nice on the tongue.

I drank three of these yellow boys,

and I just want to lay on the floor.

But we promised the kids

we'd take the baby apple picking.

If only there were some magical shortcut

that didn't involve our limbs.

Why schlep all over Philadelphia

when all we need is the evidence that we did?

Grab an apple,

hold the baby in front of the ficus.

And boom, we're apple picking!

Brilliant!

But how are we going to pretend

that we went to the pool at the JCC?

Fill the damn tub, Linda.

Why do I have to be both the brains and the brawn?

While the Schwartzes weren't above using trick photography,

my mom was about to sink to a new low.

Hello there, Mr. Flyers General Manager.

How did you get in here?

Oh. Just one of my many charming attributes.

I'm Beverly Goldberg,

matriarch of the first family of Jenkintown

and part owner

of the Ottoman Empire furniture store.

Oh, yeah.

I'm about to get my money back

from a bedroom set I bought there.

The hell you will.

Mr. General Manager,

what is the one thing we know for sure about Flyers fans?

Win or lose, they set things on fire?

Exactly.

They're an understanding bunch.

So if they knew that a local

mom-and-pop shop was in trouble

and that one teensy-weensy loss from the Flyers

would solve all their problems...

Heck, don't you think those fans

would root for you to lose?

Are you crazy?

Our fans want us to win, no matter what.

Beverly, I told you he'd be unreasonable.

Relax, Vic. We're on to plan B.

Would you please pass this casserole

along to the team for me?

It seems like you want the Flyers to lose,

so you're gonna poison our players?

He's onto us.

Wait, what?

Vic, you're not supposed to eat the casserole.

I'm not making good choices this year.

Please leave.

Thank you for your time.

While my mom had failed to con the Flyers,

Lou and Linda were working on a scheme of their own.

Hello!

We've returned again

from a day of cherished memories

and treasured experiences.

It's true. I've got the proof.

I mean the pictures, which are proof

that a totally real, fun time was had by all.

You guys are being weird.

You're being weird.

Concentrate on the photographic evidence, son.

Muriel went swimming?

Obviously. She's clearly in water.

By herself?

Was one of you in the pool with her?

Uhhh, no?

She's a baby. She can't swim.

It was the shallow end!

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

I'm focusing on the corner of the picture,

and it looks like there's a bottle of Head & Shoulders.

That's the lifeguard stand.

Now, take an impossibly quick look

at the pic of her at the Liberty Bell.

Why does it look like you guys just held her up

in front of a Taco Bell magazine ad?

Next pic. The apple orchard.

Okay, that's clearly the ficus I got you for your birthday.

W-What's going on?

Geoffrey, climb out of our asses.

Because our tireless bodies

are completely capable of anything.

You know what?

I think you faked these pictures,

and I think you don't have the energy

to take care of our child.

I can't believe you'd accuse us of such a thing.

Okay, Dad, do a single jumping jack.

Excuse me?

Prove to us that you have the energy.

Just do one jumping jack.

Easy-peasy.

Do it, hon.

Just blast out a double J and show these fools!

Fine!

We faked it!

This "go get 'em" lifestyle is unsustainable!

I'm sorry.

We just love our granddaughter

and want to spend more time with her.

Sure, sure. We'll see.

That means no. We lost, Linda.

I'll see you two out.

Yeah, you're gonna have to

because we need help getting into the car.

You should give your in-laws another chance.

Pop-Pop, you're mixing in?

Yeah, when I need to,

which is hopefully never again.

What are you saying?

I'm saying every grandparent is different.

Well, mine certainly were.

Pops was super involved and active, and you were...

I know. A giant bagel.

I wouldn't say that.

I used to love going over to your house,

and you would just put on Motown records.

I would sing and dance while you sat on the couch

and rolled pennies, remember?

Who could forget?

It's kinda where I first fell in love with being a singer.

Wait.

Were you, in your own way, encouraging me?

Eh, you liked tunes. I threw them on.

So you're saying you get different things

from different people?

I would've said it differently, but, uh...

While Pop-Pop tried to buy some sympathy for Lou and Linda,

Barry caught a commercial that made him feel terrible.

Free, when the Flyers win it all.

Oh, no.

So come on down to the Ottoman Empire...

How bad is it?

It's not bad.

Just a-a teensy-tiny smidge of a bother.

Vic, how bad?

Interesting question.

Okay, here it is.

If the Flyers win tomorrow,

we will definitely lose our house and everything in it.

Well, this is quite disappointing.

I know you want your team to win.

No, the idea that you couldn't tell me.

Do you really think I'm such a child I couldn't handle it?

I mean, you do tend to be emotionally... gifted.

I may care deeply about the Flyers,

but believe it or not, I care about my family more.

Barry... Don't.

I'll be upstairs, not watching the game I love.

It was Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals,

and no matter the outcome, Barry couldn't win.

But my mom refused to go down without a fight.

You were right.

I should have been honest with you.

You are definitely old enough to handle it.

Damn right I am.

It's just I kinda don't want you to be.

You're all adults now,

which means you don't need me

to protect you from the world.

Mom.

Look at me.

We don't need you.

I saw that going a different way.

We don't need you as much.

But you're still our mom,

and we'll always need you a little.

Just not the whole ginormous you.

Thank you.

And no matter what happens with the game,

you got the Flyers

three victories in the Stanley Cup Finals.

You really think I did that?

Of course you did.

You're magical, Barry Goldberg.

Hm.

Well, maybe if I helped the Flyers win,

I can help them lose, too.

Okay.

Okay, we're gonna do the exact opposite

of everything we've done.

Mom, I'm gonna need you to make a boatload of blue food.

I'm on it.

Pop-Pop, you can now set up

right in front of the TV.

Don't move... My favorite thing to do.

Adam, you can now drink water and change your underwear.

I think I speak for everyone in this room

when I say I already did.

And, Vic, since today is opposite day,

I have something to say to you as an Oilers fan.

I respect you as a man.

Okay, this part seems unnecessary.

Finally, there's one more thing.

It burns my skin, but it's for my family!

And so that day, with everything on the line,

Barry made the ultimate sacrifice.

He used his magic against the Flyers.

There we go! Yes! Oh!

And when they ultimately lost the Stanley Cup,

it was a win for all of us.

But for my brother, no victory ever hurt more.

And while there was plenty to celebrate,

things at the Schwartzes were not so festive.

♪ While I'll make you fall for me ♪

Erica, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought I'd drop Muriel off

to hang out with her grandparents.

Well, neither one of us are really moving around

that well at this moment.

Yeah, I think my parents really need a day on the couch.

Sounds good to me.

And Muriel. Really?

I know few grandparents have the energy of my mom,

and I also know that Muriel is very lucky

to have the two of you because of how much you love her.

We do love her.

To the moon and back.

Yep, there are a lot of different ways family

can be there for you.

Sometimes you get a totally unexpected win.

What's this?

Well, since the Flyers lost, the store raked in a fortune,

and I got a little something for you.

Season tickets?

Now you can go to every game.

Maybe you could join me sometime?

You'd want me there?

Are you kidding me?

You're my lucky charm. Aww.

But you'd better root for the Flyers this time.

I will, I promise.

Promise?

Other times, you think you've lost,

only to realize you've gained something much more valuable.

But whether you're cheering on a family business...

or your favorite team,

it doesn't matter if it's the thrill of victory

or the agony of defeat,

'cause when you're all cheering together,

every day is a win.

Yes! We did it!

Here you go, buddy.

All your stupid robots, safe and sound.

Go ahead, kiss them like I'm not here.

First, I don't need your permission to show my affection.

And second, where the hell is Bumblebee?

Oh, is that the yellow one?

Tell me now where he is!

He's my most specialest.

Believe me, I know.

I've seen the way you look at him.

Not okay.

But he's safe and sound and will continue to be,

as long as you do a few minor things for me.

I think you're bluffing.

Was I bluffing when I melted your Boba Fett

or sawed your Speak & Spell in half

to see who was talking in there?

Just tell me what you want.