Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, I was a creative force.

- I directed mini-blockbusters... - I'll fix it in post.

... starred in school plays,

and wrote masterpieces late into the night.

But that changed when I got a job.

I was a singing waiter at a '50s diner,

which meant my only creative outlet was this.

♪ On the islands, there's no ifs, ands, or buts ♪

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Yeah, it was the same song and dance,

but I gave it my all...

... every day.

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Every single day.

♪ Coconuts ♪

Like every one of them.

♪ ... conuts ♪

Even my mom saw the light dying in my eyes,

so she did what always worked...

inspired me with a grand purchase.

Surprise!

I bought you Apple's first portable computer.

Portable? That looks huge.

Oh, it's only 16 barely-back-breaking pounds.

You can take it anywhere as long as you stretch first.

And isn't that incredibly expensive?

Big time, but with this, you'll open doors to your imagination.

PC World called it, "Powerful and cumbersome."

- I think I'm all set. - Nonsense.

You need to get back to your real passion... writing.

Let me just turn this on for you.

Ah, listen to all that metal working.

Yeah, I'm just not really feeling

the juices flowing today, so...

Then let Mama be your muse.

Drink me in and then write about

the white-hot love I bring out in you.

You certainly elicit a response.

Then put me in a script.

You could pen the sequel to "Throw Momma from the Train."

Only this time, keep her on the train.

What a fun idea.

You start hacking away at that, while I run upstairs

and put the finishing touches on giving up.

Schmoo, come back!

This thing can go anywhere. Oh.

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

It was January 11, 1980-something,

and Erica was meeting with her new mom group.

So, after I switched nipple creams,

he finally latched onto me, no problem.

Oh, if parenthood has taught me anything,

it's that there is a cream for everything.

Yep, creams.

There's so much excitement in those little tubes.

Oh, Barb, by the way, how are your hemorrhoids?

Yeah, I'm not really comfortable right now.

Oh, how rude of me.

I didn't even offer you a pillow to sit on to ease the pain.

I, too, have bottom issues, so, you know.

O... kay, any other topic of conversation?

I've got one.

Anyone else sensing the dynamic of our mom group is a bit off?

I know exactly what you mean, Cynthia.

I'm not sure you do.

Diane was supposed to be on snack duty,

and here I am with nary a Fig Newton to chew on.

Oh, look at the time.

Yeah, I think I've gotta go, too.

But we just got started.

Should we talk about next week?

Maybe a wine bar? I pour a heavy Grigio.

Erica, it's time to have that conversation.

Okay, well, bye, Barb. Bye, Trish.

What's this conversation everyone's saying we're due for?

Bye, Erica.

Look, sweetie...

Is it about Trish's postpartum night sweats?

'Cause maybe don't overshare so much, girlfriend.

Gosh, I'm so glad we have this group

to make us feel not so alone.

Yeah. Can you take the baby for her nap, please?

Diaper and nap duty in one day? Sign me up!

Ha-ha! Your husband ruined your dumb lady group.

Did you make yourself a campfire treat?

The microwave makes the marshmallows crazy sticky,

much like the situation you find yourself in.

I know. It's a mom group, and he's not a mom.

Figure it out, my guy.

Blech! 12 s'mores is one too many.

But I just don't have the heart to tell him

that no one wants him here.

Maybe you can?

Well, I'd happily break his heart into a million pieces,

but you asked me, so now I don't wanna.

Come on. Just take him to hang with the JTP.

Well, it is Andy Cogan's birthday.

Yes, do that.

She went right down.

Barbara's intermittent rocking technique totally helped.

I can't wait to tell everyone at our parent group.

Mom group.

As Erica wanted to get rid of Geoff,

my mom was about to take in some real drama at school.

I bring news.

Ms. Cinoman is taking a leave of absence

to produce her one-woman show,

"Loneliness: A Love Story With Myself."

I read an early draft.

One of the characters was wine.

She's a giant mess.

But the immediate issue is the Winter Gourd Fest.

These Quakers will really celebrate anything.

We have no one to direct our musical program.

I have the perfect solution.

Uh, my son is in a creative rut, but it's been well-documented

that he's a genius in all things entertainment.

Not so fast. My production of "Oklahoma!"

inspired the school's newspaper cleverly worded review

"OK is Okay."

Well, the choice is clear.

It's Adam, and nobody else wants the job.

I can do it. I spent four years studying

at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London.

Adam accepts.

And I absolutely adore gourds.

Plus, I minored in theater, which is a major accomplishment.

You are all way more qualified than I imagined.

Yeah, but it's gonna be my Schmoo, or so help me,

I will burn this school to ashes with all of you in it.

- I withdraw. - Not worth it.

I have no doubt she would do it.

Ah! Yay! My boy earned his place,

and all of you support him.

And just like that, I was back at William Penn.

Only problem was it was under very false pretenses.

And here we are.

I don't understand.

Why would Alyssa Milano want to meet me here?

I lied. But congratulations!

You're the new director of Winter Gourd Fest.

You may thank and kiss me now.

Mom, I appreciate the thought,

but I've always hated Winter Gourd Fest.

It's by far my least favorite of the four annual gourd shows.

But here you can immerse yourself in the dramatic arts

without having to take orders for cheese fries.

I don't know.

I have Tuesday and Thursday afternoons off, I guess.

He said yes. He said yes!

Don't make it seem like a marriage proposal.

How many kids signed up to audition?

Too many to count on one finger.

Let's see what we're working with.

Turns out, a pretty mixed bag.

♪ I'm just a gourd ♪

♪ A lonely, lonely gourd ♪

♪ A butternut squash who longs to be adored ♪

Thank you.

I'm doing it. The doctors were wrong about me.

Thank you.

♪ I take my scythe and I cut the wheat ♪

♪ And I bring it home, and the wheat, I eat ♪

♪ And it tastes so sweet ♪

♪ And I think that's neat ♪

♪ That wheat would taste so sweet to eat ♪

Thank you.

While I had my work cut out for me,

Barry was working on getting Geoff back in the JTP.

JTP reunited with Geoff.

JTP reunited with Geoff!

Hey, what's with the video tape?

Oh, Muriel rolled over, and I got it on film.

Should we ask the bartender to play it on that TV?

I will! She said, "No."

We are gathered here to support the birth of Andy Cogan

by watching his favorite sport, ladies wrestling.

Is this "GLOW," the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" from TV?

No, this is PLOW...

The Pennsylvania Ladies of Wrestling.

'Cause we're all gonna get plowed tonight.

Barkeep, a round of your least-finest tequila.

Drinky-drink!

Uh, ma'am, pull back one of those tequilas

and set me up with a tall milk.

Milk? But how will you make bad decisions

and say things you regret?

- What if Erica calls with a baby emergency? - Like what?

Like she says her first word, but it's a full sentence,

and it's complicated and disturbing,

like, "Why does God allow pain to exist?"

Maybe the answer is in this shot glass.

Put 'em back, boys and dairy lovers.

Hey, want to buy us a drink?

Uh, hell yeah.

Uh, ladies, this is Andy.

- It's his birthday. - Yeah, it is.

And he likes strange women walking up to him.

Yeah, I do.

And he's currently very single.

- Yeah, I am. - Not me, though.

I got a wife and kid at home.

You want to see a photo of my little one?

Be warned, you will "aww" from cuteness.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Those ladies seemed a tad eager.

Yeah, we hate that.

- So much. - It's my birthday, dude.

And now, ladies and mostly gentlemen,

prepare to get PLOW-ed!

Yes! It's starting!

First up, Gemstone vs. Sandra Day O'Slaughter!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, Gemstone is my favorite.

I once saw her crush a watermelon with her thighs.

Best picnic ever!

It's exciting because women usually work it out by talking.

- Go, Sandra! - Go, Gemstone!

Go, both of you! Everybody wins!

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna take off.

Guys?

Alright, see ya.

As Geoff was out for the count,

I was finishing up my own number.

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

I heard several full conversations

throughout my performance, so thanks for that.

Yeah, we gotta talk.

You've been recast.

Here's your new scene partner.

You mean a dance number with a mop,

like Fred Astaire with a hat rack?

No, you're the new janitor.

- Now moppy-mop. - Wait, what?

Dude, some people just aren't meant to be entertainers.

Like, specifically you.

But that's my whole thing.

I'm a triple threat. I act, I write, I direct.

You're still a triple threat. Mop, rinse, bucket.

Watch out, dirt.

There's my prince of gourds.

Here's the thing... I ain't doing that.

Directing a musical tribute to pumpkins and squash

- is an opportunity of a lifetime. - Is it?

Is it?

I'm actually asking the question because I don't know

what anything means anymore.

Fine. Who says that the Winter Gourd Fest

has to be about gourds?

I think everybody.

Nonsense.

Cold-weather vegetables are merely a suggestion.

Really? So I can do anything?

Since you seem slightly sad, I will say yes for now

and then deal with the certain fallout.

Oh, Mama, you did it again! Yes!

And whatever you come up with will surely celebrate

the most perfect person in your life.

I'll humor you with a maybe.

To my new burly computer.

With that, I got to work on an idea

that had been rattling around in my head forever.

I stayed up all night and wrote what future generations

will hail as a masterpiece.

I present to you "Blade Runner: The Musical"!

Any questions?

There were more than a few.

Adam F. Goldberg is back, baby!

Geoff's night out with the JTP hadn't exactly gone as planned.

Hey, hon.

How was being with your best buds?

Much better than sitting around

with a bunch of moms, am I right?

It was terrible.

We're completely different people now.

Like, different in a way you still want to hang out

on Saturday evenings at 5:00 p. m.?

They're so immature.

They wanted to watch ladies wrestle,

possibly in mud.

Sweetie, I don't mind if you watch ladies wrestling

every Saturday night.

- You can even wrestle with them. - Anyway, how was the parent group?

It was better than usual.

Lots of estrogen, everyone felt comfortable.

Ah, we're so lucky to have them.

With that, it was time for Erica

to tell her husband the truth.

Or go find Barry and make him do it.

What the hell, dude?

You were supposed to yank Geoff back into the JTP.

Dadhood has ruined him.

He used to just be an anxious buzzkill.

Now he's a full-blown party pooper.

Maybe you guys are the poopers.

And stop worrying about Geoff and grow up.

I am fully grown.

Mom's friend said so.

Look, Geoff's a dad now.

And maybe someday God will have a sense of humor

and make you one, as well.

So why not learn about where he's coming from

before you kick him to the curb?

You're right.

He's more than a dork married to a shrew.

He's also a lame dad.

I've got some thinking to do.

While Barry considered growing up,

my production of "Blade Runner: The Musical"

was coming to life.

I'm inviting you all to take a journey with me,

and I appreciate your complete trust.

I'm only here because my mom can't pick me up until 4:00.

Yes, the stage summons us all for different reasons.

Should we be doing an R-rated movie

that we're not legally allowed to see?

Anyone with a good question?

Yeah, it says here

I'm supposed to be crushing this dude's skull.

- Why? - Simple.

Your creator can't stop

the ticking clock of your robot life expiring

because the code embedded in your DNA is irreversible.

- Got it? - Okay, and why?

Let's take it from the top.

Deckard, am I a replicant?

Some say you're a repli-can't.

But I say you're a repli-can!

♪ She's a robot, I'm enchanted ♪

♪ My memories have been implanted ♪

♪ And I have a short lifespan ♪

♪ So enjoy life if you can ♪

♪ Yes, you repli-can ♪

♪ Yes, you repli-can ♪

♪ Don't say you repli-can't ♪

♪ You repli-can ♪

Stop! Tara, that was too human.

Yeah, I felt that, too.

Also, what's a replicant?

Take five, guys.

There's my Andrew Lloyd Treasure.

Flowers typically are given after we open.

Oh, I don't need an occasion to throw roses to my maestro.

Next stop, Broadway.

Next, next stop, the Tony Awards.

And then I corner Streisand and force her

to be best friends, and then we swap clothes,

and she gets all jealous because I wore them better.

Probably none of that,

but thanks for believing in me, Mama.

Aww, it's what a good mama does.

Pulls her baby back from the dinner-theater abyss

and lets him shine again

in front of a room full of children.

Ignoring the specifics, I really think this might be

the greatest thing I've ever made.

Well, you're the greatest thing I've ever made,

right here, in my Adam factory.

While I was feeling on top of the world,

Barry was trying to get to the bottom

of what was going on with Geoff.

My sister has challenged us to become more like Geoff.

Kind and inquisitive?

Obsessively law-abiding?

Afraid to be on a balcony?

I'm talking about knowing what it's like to have a baby.

No, not your birds-and-bees speech again.

It's uncomfortable, and it's mostly wrong.

How are we supposed to instantly understand

what it's like to be a father?

With the help of the cinematic romp

"Three Men and a Baby."

It was the classic '80s comedy

starring three clueless bachelors

figuring out how to take care of a baby,

and the JTP studied hard, learning the art of diapering,

powdering, and singing babies to sleep.

Then it was time to try it themselves.

This is boring.

How are we supposed to practice being dads if she's asleep?

I mean, we could wake her up.

Erica gave us very specific babysitting details.

Which I left downstairs.

Now, let's wake this baby.

And so the JTP applied everything

they remembered from the movie,

which was, unfortunately, not much.

They forgot how to put on a diaper,

then they got into a powder fight... a long one.

But eventually, they did remember one thing.

♪ Goodnight, sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you, but I really must say ♪

♪ Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight ♪

Crazy as it was, it worked.

And they couldn't wait to tell Geoff.

JTP? What are you doing here?

Surprise!

We "Three Men and a Baby" -ed your daughter!

But with four men.

At one point, it was five men

'cause the pizza delivery guy used your bathroom.

Erica, I thought you said you got a babysitter?

I did. The JTP.

So they could see what you're going through.

And we definitely did!

We woke up Muriel

just to see what parents have to deal with.

You woke her up?!

To feed her, bro.

For future reference, she is not a fan of black forest cake.

What are you talking about?

It's a rich chocolate sponge cake

with cream and cherry filling.

I know what a black forest cake is!

But that's not meant for a newborn, you dopes!

Whoa! We were just learning to be dads,

like Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Magnum, P.I.

And now we totally get

everything you were boring us with.

We're the same as you, Geoff.

No, you're not!

I'm worried about Muriel every second...

for good reason, apparently...

while you guys don't have a care in the world!

Wait. You think we don't worry about stuff?

After four years, I'm still folding red jeans at the Gap.

I was there when the mannequins had heads.

I've seen it all.

I just turned 22 and I haven't had a relationship besides

the will-they-won't-they tension

I have with my grandma's in-home healthcare worker.

And being naked is not as easy as it used to be.

I have a court date.

I'm not totally sure I'm allowed to be with your baby.

I feel like that's something you should've mentioned earlier.

Well, none of you are babysitting ever again.

And, to be honest, I don't really

want to hang out with you, either.

While things were cooling off with Geoff and the JTP,

the drama with "Blade Runner: The Musical"

was just heating up.

We have a major problem.

Adam's musical is causing an uproar.

Everybody's talking about it,

especially since I took out that full-page ad

in the Jenkintown Gazette.

I read that, and I seriously doubt

that Rex Reed said, "Look out! Broadway has another Schmoo!"

Plus, he's already burned through

the entire theater budget for the year.

I'm canceling the senior trip to Maryland.

Oh, hell no!

Mama needs her crab cakes.

And the parents are in a real tizzy.

One's asking, "Why does our daughter

have to run through a plate glass window?"

That's just breakaway glass.

We practiced with Barry at home, and he was mostly fine.

The Winter Gourd Fest is back on and Adam's getting replaced.

Yes! It's Glascott-o-clock!

Andrea, you're up.

On deck and ready to go.

- Welp, I'm off to fire him. - No!

Damn it! I'll do it.

It'll soften the blow coming from his mama.

There's my indestructible Schmoo

who accepts life's triumphs and defeats

with the same amount of grace.

Which scarf says brilliant director more,

cream or off-cream?

The choice is too hard. You should quit.

What? I just need to pick.

Oh, no. The pressure they put on you to make these decisions...

No. No.

- You should quit. - Never!

This is gonna be my magnum opus.

That the world isn't ready for.

Better to quit now and just save it for later.

What's all this quitting talk?

Oh, boy. Um, how do I say this?

Um, Adam, you... You're f...

Adam, you're fired.

Principal Ball is shutting down the show.

I've failed as a mother.

I enabled you with too much praise,

and you took it too far.

- I'm sorry. - Okay.

First I was demoted to janitor.

Now I'm being fired from something I actually care about.

Maybe I'm really not supposed to do this anymore.

They say, "The show must go on."

And it did. Just without me.

Horror of horrors! What are you doing?

Accepting my fate.

I'm just a mop jockey now.

God. Well, thanks to the middle-class bubble

I raised you in, you know nothing of mopping.

With the water and the soap and that rinse-y thing,

I'm sure I'll figure it out after a few weeks.

Major school emergency.

The children refuse to musically honor the mighty gourd.

John, what are you saying?

I'm saying that Adam inspired them with his adult robot tale,

- and they won't perform anything else. - Really?

You need to get down there and put on a show.

- Uh... I don't know. - I do.

Adam, you're re-hired.

And so, thanks to my mom,

I made it just in time to see a packed theater

and a stage full of actors singing the songs

I worked so hard on.

♪ I'm a blade runner ♪

♪ I'm a blade runner ♪

♪ I'm running on a blade ♪

And they actually sounded pretty great.

Maybe the spark I was missing was there all along.

♪ I'm a Nexus-6 named Pris ♪

♪ I can do tricks just like this ♪

♪ Blade runner ♪

♪ Bl-Bl-Bl-Bl-Blaaaaade runner ♪

Thanks, Mama.

For everything.

You just needed a little reminder of how great you are.

Yep, watching those kids bring my musical to life

made me realize I would never give up on my dreams again.

Meanwhile, Geoff was coming to a realization of his own.

Alright, we have a few minutes,

if anyone else has anything that they want to share?

Geoff, you've been weirdly here and quiet.

Yeah, I...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I know I'm not a mom and I shouldn't be here.

It's been really nice to just be around other parents

who are struggling with the newness of it.

You're really lucky to have each other.

Honey, wait.

You're right. You definitely shouldn't be here.

Oh, good. You made that super clear.

You shouldn't be here because

you have somewhere else you need to be...

with the JTP.

Your friends love you so much

that they tried to be dads for a night

just so they could be a part of your world.

At great risk to our child, but still.

Maybe you need to make an effort

- to be a part of their world, too? - I guess it's time

for this dad to leave his mom group.

Yeah, just because your priorities change

- doesn't mean you have to. - Hey, fellas.

- What's up? - Look, I'm sorry.

I've been so wrapped up in being a dad,

I've lost track of the other people in my life.

It's okay. We... We understand.

I mean, five minutes with her, and it was like, whoa,

babies might be difficult to deal with.

We're proud of you for being a dad.

More than anything, we just miss you.

I can fix that. Deal me in.

Because it's the people we're closest to

who let us know we're not going through life all alone.

That's the thing about our dreams.

With the support of the people who love us,

they can come true.

- Shh. It's okay. - Go to sleep, baby.

I guess two men and a baby doesn't work.

Um, excuse me.

- Dr. Katman? - Indeed.

I was driving by and heard your baby crying,

so I thought I could help.

Follow me.

Well, doesn't always work.

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -