Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, audiences loved

the John Candy movie Uncle Buck,

about a ne'er-do-well uncle called upon to watch his brother's kids.

But nobody loved it more than me and my brother Barry.

He washed clothes in the microwave

and dried them on the ceiling fan!

He's a menace, and you root for him!

His garbage car is spewing smoke on the school carpool!

The children are coughing! They're in harm's way!

Turn that crap off.

My pregnant brain hates that blathering idiot.

She'd be much obliged if you'd kindly watch your film elsewhere.

I'm her awfulness-to-politeness translator.

It's been a full-time job lately.

Mom!

What do you need, Schmoopy-Doo?

Let mama bird cater to her life-giving

- baby bird's every need. - I'm here, too.

You know, for when my wife needs catering.

How ya feeling, Pumpkin?

Ready to pop that baby into my waiting arms?

That sounds nothing like our four-page birth plan.

Right now all I want is for someone to turn off this dumbness.

How dare you ask us to turn off

John Candy's number-one comedy film

in the subcategory "Babysitting"!

Oh, I love him in that one movie with the guy.

You know, um, eh, the one with the face.

Uh, Adam knows what I like.

- Stripes. - That's the one!

Oh, he is comedically unhealthy

and shouldn't defend this country.

He's not just hilarious.

He's also teaching us how to be uncles.

The only thing that clumsy oaf is teaching anyone

is to never leave your kids alone for a minute.

Why is he feeding beer to a dog?

'Cause he's recklessly hilarious!

No one is safe from his antics.

Do you dopes really think

this is an okay way for uncles to behave?

With all my heart.-I'd stake your unborn child on it.

Okay, well, that seals it.

You two will never be allowed anywhere near our baby.

- Whoa! - Whoa, indeed!

How do you expect us to "Uncle Buck" a baby from afar?

I don't want my baby to be "Uncle Bucked."

Cheggit. He made a pancake so huge,

he's serving it with a shovel.

Breakfast has never been more zany!

Well, that's actually the only appealing thing about this whole movie.

Geoff, make me that pancake.

Uh, I wish I could, my cranky angel,

but I don't think anyone's ever made a pancake that large.

Get it while it's hot!

- Didn't even see her leave. - What in the hell?

She literally bends time!

You're the best, Mama.

Thank God someone sees to my wants and needs.

Hurtful to the man who was up all night

scratching your unreachables.

I want some of that impossibly large morning entree.

Me too! Giant flapjack me!

Mama! Geoff! Circle the wagons!

Protect my cake!

Unh! Ow! Ow!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 19th, 1980-something,

and life for our family was about to change forever.

- It's time! Go! Go! Go! - Gah!

It's 3:00 a.m.! What the hell?

Your water broke! You're having a baby!

I should put on pants!

There's no time. Is that a nightgown?!

It's a floor-length sleep shirt!

I have sleepy-time heat issues!

Get your sweats, your comfy shoes,

take this framed photo of me for bedside inspiration.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Wait. How did you know my water broke?

Uh, I heard it from my bedroom.

It was like a rolling, gushing sound

like, uh... like the waves on the North Shore of Hawaii.

Okay, I'll never know the mysteries of the female body,

but wouldn't Erica be aware of her water breaking?

Enough chit-chat! We're wasting valuable seconds, people!

Is this another one of your stupid drills?

Fine. It is a drill, and you both failed miserably.

Had this been the real thing,

we wouldn't have even made it to the hospital.

I'd be yanking a baby out of my daughter

on the front lawn of the Kremps' house.

What a haunting suburban tableau.

Mom, enough with the drills.

Well, it's important to be prepared.

Hopefully you'll do better next time.

Don't let there be a next time!

You're right. No more drills.

So don't expect one.

I can't go back to sleep.

My heart is still pounding.

You know what I want, Geoff?

What, Schmoo?

- I said "Geoff"! - She said "Geoff"!

Sorry! I thought you said "Bev"!

Okay, just let me know if you need me, all right?

I mean, of course, you need me,

but I am talking about, you know, in the immediate sense.

Just checking in on needing me.

Huh? No? Okay. Here I go.

Okay. Well, what I want is to get my giant body in water.

Okay. So should I run a bath?

You mean the one that we share with Barry

and all of his body hair?

So, like, the pool at the Jewish Community Center?

I don't want to swim where a rabbi's wife teaches water aerobics.

I want a baby moon. We still have three weeks.

Take me away somewhere I can float and feel weightless.

Your wish is my command.

Although it may be hard to find a place

to float in Philadelphia in the fall,

so is there by chance a backup wish/command?

Just make it happen.

On it, my surly dove.

Whatever you do, promise me that...

she is nowhere near us.

Well, it is famously not easy to get away from your mom.

Mom what? I heard "Mom."

- Gah! - Go!

Fun mistake. Okay.

I'll just wait right outside this door

for the inevitable calling of my name.

As Erica desperately wanted to dodge my mom,

Barry and I went straight to his friends

for some uncle-ing advice.

JTP but not lame Adam.

JTP but not lame Adam.

Hard to not feel deeply wounded, but nice to see you, fellas.

No pleasantries!

- The JTP's time is too valuable. - Not really.

You called me away from a mixer with upper management.

Because it is important, Matthew.

Our sister said we would be "garbage uncles"

and we won't be allowed near her baby.

We have three weeks to figure out

how not to suck at uncle-ing.

- Why us? - It seems intuitive.

For this, I basically handed

the Head of Regional Sales job over to Lydia?

Well, you're here now,

so let's start with, "What is an uncle?"

- The husband of an aunt. - Mother's brother.

A cousin's male parent.

- Your half-sister's stepdad. - A father's brother.

Your dad's friend who doesn't have his own kids.

And famous uncles?

Uncle Vanya, the titular character from the Chekhov play.

Only word I heard is "titular."

Next.

Scrooge McDuck. Hah!

All that money, and he couldn't fine peace.

A personal hero. But I hate feathers. Next!

Uncle! Like when you tap out

and stop trying to think of famous uncles.

Wow! All truly terrible examples.

You're no longer leading this crucial meeting, Adam.

I wasn't sure why we were here until now, so that's fine.

JTP, tell us how to become good uncles.

My Uncle Phil calls me cool nicknames

like "Sport," "Champ," and "Superstar."

It's possible he doesn't know my name.

My uncle let me drive his car. Oh, that's fun.

Like, when you were 15 or something?

No. No. Recently.

Uh, I think his license is suspended

and I just taxied him around.

Keep it coming, guys. There are no bad ideas.

I know. Why don't we go to the park, right?

And use candy to lure children into Matt Bradley's van

so we can practice uncle-ing on them?

When I said "no bad ideas," clearly I was off by one.

What if you practice on Andy?

He's the side of an average baby.

Come on, man.

Maybe you guys are over thinking this.

My brain's pretty jacked, so that happens a lot. Continue.

Erica is going to be an anxious mother with a newborn.

She might just want you to be responsible adults

who are always there for her.

Matt Bradley, please stop punishing us

with your nonsense.

Look, don't you guys have an uncle?

We do, and he's a real piece of work.

I was talking about our Uncle Marvin.

He was just as much of an unpredictable loose cannon as Uncle Buck.

He's the worst.

Can't do anything right.

There's your answer. Why don't you just do

the opposite of what your uncle would do?

I guess that could maybe work.

And so we sort of had a plan.

Which was to learn at the feet of the master

how not to be an uncle.

Hey! My nephs came to visit!

Wait a minute. How did you find me?

Your address was on the "if any left over" section

of our mom's holiday-card list.

Aww. Well, that's not nothing.

Is that the truck from "The Fall Guy"

in your depressing carport?

Yeah, it's the official show-sanctioned replica.

No way. That truck is TV-vehicle royalty.

Big-time, and now it's mine,

pending payment of outstanding DMV fees.

Enter. My house is your house.

But it also might not be my house.

The stupid city doesn't consider it a legal dwelling.

Man! Am I glad to see you boys.

You know, ever since your dad left us,

I've been trying to think of ways

that I could be more involved in your lives.

What about ever visiting or calling?

Ohh! Monday morning quarterback.

Look who's got all the answers now.

Here's the thing.

Erica's baby is due in three weeks,

and we need to learn how to be good uncles.

Oh, my God. I am beyond touched.

You want the Uncle Marvin playbook.

Sure. Let's say it that way.

Celebratory sodas all around!

While we had come to the right place,

the same couldn't be said for Geoff and Erica.

Here we are, my swollen princess.

It's so steamy and damp. Where are we?

You're at Tubs of Love,

where consenting adults come to do whatever they want.

Why did he wink?

Geoff, I need so many answers.

Well, you said you wanted to float in water

without your mother.

So I made both those wishes come true.

Good sir, where do we change?

Changing rooms are back there,

but just so you know, we are a clothing-optional resort.

Resort? All I see are a bunch of skanky hot tubs

with couples in them.

No, that guy's there by himself.

Correction... his tub-mate just surfaced.

And so few people opted for clothing.

Geoff, how did you find this place?

In the Yellow Pages, under "Indoor Water-Themed Adult Experiences."

Our rate is 20 bucks an hour or 30 for a themed tub like

"Desert Oasis" or "When in Rome."

Ooh! "When in Rome" sounds fun. Shall we?

Ew. No, we shan't.

Geoff, pregnant ladies can't even go in hot tubs.

This was a giant swing and a miss.

Oh, dear Lord, there are three people in that tub.

Yeah, they fit up to eight open-minded and slippery bodies.

I'm gonna make something very clear.

I want to go home, never come back here,

and somehow surgically remove the part of my brain

where the memory of this place is stored.

Thank you for your hospitality. We'll be leaving now.

- Tell your friends! - Seems unlikely.

Ohh... no.

What is it, my grumpy peach? Are you hungry?

- I think my water just broke. - Are you sure?

I mean, the floor is already covered in...

I don't really want to know.

Yes, I'm sure, Geoff! It's happening!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was happening. My sister was going to have a baby,

just nowhere near the hospital where she and Geoff had planned.

Okay. The doctor's on his way in.

Oh, we don't need the doctor.

We just need to get to our own hospital.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

Dudes! We're having a baby! Up top!

Left a bro hangin'. Not cool.

Um, why is the doctor wearing Air Jordans and a Swatch?

Did our baby somehow sneak out of me and throw a lab coat on?

Good one! I'm Dr. Schiff, but everyone calls me Scotty.

Or Schiffy. Or Scoot.

Or the occasional Dr. Butthead.

Yeah, I can see that for you.

Sorry. You just look very...

Young? Yeah, I get that a lot.

But rest assured... I'm a professional.

Okay. Let's have a looky.

Whoa! You are wicked dilating.

Scooty Scoot, could you give us a minute?

Totally.

I'll just go crush a quick round of "Centipede" in the break room.

I cannot have Doogie Howser's younger brother

- deliver our baby! - Okay, I'll go find another doctor

who might be more unlike a child.

And also I need my mom.

Ooh, here's the thing about that.

Why is there a thing about that?

Remember when you told me to plan this baby moon

and you didn't want her to be a part of it?

I did something to ensure that she wouldn't be around.

Oh, Geoff, so help me, if you killed my mom...

No, but I may have indicated that we were going to the beach house.

You sent her an hour in the other direction?

Possibly. And also yes.

- Get her here! Now! - On it, my demanding flower.

Geoff's mission was clear... get my mom to the hospital,

no matter how far away she was.

- Hello, Geoffrey. - How'd you know it was me?

Who else knows I'm here?

Listen. Mrs. G, I can explain.

No need to explain. You didn't want me crashing your baby moon,

so you told me it was here at the beach house.

I'm so sorry, but in my defense,

doesn't the fact that you went there

to crash our baby moon vindicate me?

The [bleep] it does, Geoffrey!

My daughter is about to give life in three weeks.

I want to be with her.

About that. Um, Erica's in labor!

What? I know. Yay.

Also, we're in the one-doctor town of New Hope.

Well, that's two [bleep] hours from here!

Again with the salty language.

But if you leave now, maybe you can make it.

She's crossing her legs, so you never know.

That's a great idea, but, uh, when I first got here,

I was so hurt by what you'd done to me

that I drank an entire bottle of Chablis

that my neighbor had carelessly left in her garage fridge.

- Oh, no! - You drove me to the bottle, Geoff!

Okay. I'll send Barry and Adam to pick you up. Just sit tight.

To be clear, when I finally do see you,

you and I have some very unfinished business.

That's the scariest kind of business!

As my mom was gonna teach Geoff a lesson,

Opposite Uncle School was in session.

Compadres, I am going to teach you

how to be the greatest uncles in... the... world.

Are... you... ready?

- Hell yes! - You know it!

I gotta check out these scratchers first.

Lesson number one... Uncle-ing happens on your time.

"On our time." Got it.

Damn it! I was three cherries away, man! Three!

Yep, we were about to learn everything not to do.

Think about it. The kid's parents aren't gonna

bail on him for holidays and birthdays,

so it leaves the door wide open for you to bail on them.

"Bail on significant life events."

Another important function of the uncle

is to provide a loophole around the "legal drinking age."

"Play fast and loose with our nation's laws."

Where's the queen? Where's the queen?

Where can it be? Where can the queen be?

Is it over here? Can the queen be here?

The queen is here. Is it here? Where's the queen?

I'm so convinced she's on the left,

I will up my bet to $20.

- Ooh, wrong again. - Damn it!

That was my textbook money!

Now it's my chicken-fried steak money. Ba-bam!

"Swindle children without remorse."

Most uncle-ing happens around the margins.

Baby's first R-rated movie?

That's where you come in.

Baby needs a diaper change?

That's where you go out.

You getting all this?

"Be the worst." Got it.

Okay, let's recap.

If the kid's birthday is April 10th,

when should your card arrive?

- Never. - Cards are a gateway to gifts.

And now you know all the knowledge known to man.

Why does your notepad say "opposite"?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

"Never do the following."

Geez, Bar! You could have been

a bit more savvy with your note-taking.

Did you two come here to learn how not to be uncles?

Uncle Marvin, it's nothing personal.

We think you're the greatest.

You're super fun, like our own Uncle Buck.

Except, you know, not exactly a model

of reliability and follow-through.

So I'm a joke. A dope. A screw-up.

See? He gets it.

Can I call you back?

I gotta pull this knife from my chest.

Huh? Y-Yeah.

Hold on. It's for you. Sounds like someone real sweaty.

Geoff?

Oh, thank God! The JTP said you were there

getting "opposite uncle lessons"?

Don't explain. Your sister's having a baby.

You need to get your mom.

She drank too much ice wine at the beach house.

The New Hope hospital.

New Hope. Got it!

We gotta jam. Erica's having a baby.

Congrats! Oh, wow.

That sounds like something that I might kinda

want to be a part of.

But only on your own time.

Yeah. No obligations, right? See you whenever.

As we were off to get our mom,

Geoff finally had everything under control.

Barry and Adam are on their way to get your mom

and bring her here, and I talked to Scotty.

Turns out he just took over the practice

from his recently retired father,

so I had him ask his dad to come in.

- Oh, phew. - Greetings!

You must be, uh, Greta and... Eric?

Uh, it's Geoff and Erica. She's Erica.

Confound it. Where did I put my bifocals?

That's Scotty's father?

Was it, like, a second marriage?

Isn't there a generation in between? Or two even?

I don't know their family history.

I'm learning in real time

that they represent the extremes of the age spectrum.

I want my mom. I want my mom now!

She's coming, but in the meantime,

I found some other comforting adults.

Mazel tov!

We couldn't be more excited!

Absolutely not.

But they're my parents.

And I'm a man of medicine.

You work on eyes! Go help our blind doctor!

- We'll be in the waiting room. - She's very scary!

While storm clouds were brewing over the delivery room,

Barry and I were driving our mom

through some pretty steady rain.

Thank you, boys, for picking me up.

Of course, Mama. Nothing could stop us

from getting you to that hospital.

What the...

Damn it! We're stuck in mud!

Dirt's wet cousin!

No!

Okay, this is lightly on me for saying nothing could stop us.

Erica's baby was coming any minute,

but we weren't going anywhere, so Barry swung into action.

My Lou Ferrigno-like strength will get us out of this mess!

Hit it, Adam, and I'll push!

One! Two!

Three!

Oh, no.

My contemporary stylish pants!

And we're deeper in.

Get over. Get over. Ugh!

Well, thank you for trying, boys.

You did good. Unlike Geoffrey.

Oh, don't be so hard on him, Mama.

Yeah, that nervous nerd means well.

Oh, I will be plenty hard on him.

He made me miss the birth of my grandchild

and future best friend!

Yeah, all hope was lost, and then this happened.

Oh, no!

It's an unsophisticated rural type!

He'll know we're not from these parts

and make quick work of us city folk!

What... Duck down!

Ow! I'm not limber enough!

Damn my careless attitude towards exercise!

Adam, Adam, tempt him with your soft eyes

so I can hit him with my shoes, okay?

No, I won't be your hillbilly bait.

Adam, just befriend the country gentleman

so your brother can sucker-punch him with his footwear!

It wasn't a good plan, but fortunately, we didn't need it.

- Marvin? - How's it going?

- What are you doing here? - I'm rescuing my family.

Was I cool? It sounded cool.

Let's ride! We got a baby to meet!

Hah! That was really fun to say.

You saved us, Uncle Marvin!

I know. I'm trying to be a better uncle.

How about I go to the hospital with you guys?

- We'd love that! - For sure!

Sure, he may have been a screw-up like Uncle Buck,

but that night, Uncle Marvin was a hero,

and not a moment too soon.

- Oh, God, it hurts! - I'm so sorry, my love.

I would take all the pain if I could.

I wish you could, too. All of it!

- Erica, it's time. - Time?

Oh, you mean the thing that you don't have much left of?

Sorry. The pain and my failures

have made my lady-love very direct.

She's here!

You may have this baby now.

Mom!

Beverly Goldberg. Mama of the mama.

Babe, you did it. Thank you.

I love you so much.

Doctor, if you need help, I'm almost a doctor.

I'm not at all a doctor, and I just accidentally

saw some stuff, so I'm gonna wait outside.

You all need to wait outside, except for the husband!

And her. She stays, too.

Despite being stuck hours away in the pouring rain,

we'd pulled off a miracle.

Sure, she wasn't thrilled with Geoff,

but in that moment, all my mom could think about

was that her baby was about to have a baby.

♪ Oh, thinkin' about our younger years ♪

♪ There was only you and me ♪

♪ We were young and wild and free ♪

♪ Now nothing can take you away from me ♪

♪ We've been down that road before ♪

♪ But that's over now ♪

♪ You keep me comin' back for more ♪

♪ Baby, you're all that I want ♪

♪ When you're lyin' here in my arms ♪

♪ I'm findin' it hard to believe ♪

♪ We're in heaven ♪

♪ And love is all that I need ♪

♪ And I found it there in your heart... ♪

Here we go. And push.

♪ It isn't too hard to see ♪

♪ We're in heaven ♪

And just like that, the person

we had all been waiting for finally arrived.

It's a girl.

That day, the world welcomed a new Goldberg.

Everyone, meet Muriel Allison Goldberg Schwartz.

Muriel, after Murray.

Is Allison for Albert?

You know it.

Pops would be so proud.

Yeah, in a year filled with too many goodbyes,

this was a hello that brought us all together,

even those of us no longer here.

'Cause nothing fills you with hope

more than a brand-new baby.

Mrs. G, I-I need to apologize.

Geoffrey, you shut your sweet mouth.

After what you've given me today,

you don't ever need to apologize to me again.

♪ It isn't too hard to see ♪

Oh, so beautiful.

Perfection. Sheer perfection.

She really was.

Muriel changed all our lives that day.

You dopes want to hold your niece?

- Seriously? - Could we?

I'd never held a baby before.

I couldn't believe how tiny and warm and sweet she felt

and how I could immediately love someone I just met.

I know what I said before,

but you two are going to be amazing uncles.

How could we not?

We learned from the best.

I do what I can.

Yeah, our family had gone through a lot that year,

but that's the amazing thing about life.

Just when you think things will never be okay again,

here comes a miracle that proves you way wrong.

I'm a bubbe!

And that is pretty damn awesome.

I think we all can agree that Uncle Buck did one thing right,

and that's the giant pancake.

- Big is beautiful. - He wasted so much food!

But why stop there, when there are so many other meals

that we can enlarge to their atomic breaking point?

Let us begin!

Behold the McMarvin quarter tonner!

- I don't know where to put my mouth. - I do.

I always do.

Two gallons of Rocky Road carefully molded

into a single scoop of creamy deliciousness.

Sorry, belly, you're in trouble.

Nuts and marshmallows for days!

Meatballs!

Oh, yeah. Get the sauce.

- Mmm. - Should the middle be this pink?

Or this cold?

Bigger is not better. Movies have failed us!

Ohh!

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -