Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, graduating

was a big deal in the family.

There was nothing more exciting than celebrating a Goldberg.

Whoo!

So, when my sister finished college early,

it surely wouldn't go unnoticed.

Hi. Erica Goldberg Schwartz.

I'm here for my diploma.

Let me look you up.

In the meantime, feel free to mingle

with your fellow esteemed graduates.

Erica Goldberg graduating.

Ah.

It seems like only yesterday

you started that petition to replace me.

Lucky for you, I have no follow-through.

You're still here, Dean Dean.

It's Provost Dean now.

No salary bump or office change,

but I do get to explain to people what a provost is.

- What is a provost? - It's like a dean.

- Oh. - Typically, our off-cycle graduates

are elderly people with way too much energy

or wackadoo child geniuses.

And knocked-up co-eds who bust their hump

to finish courses before they pop one out.

There you go.

It always works out for young pregnant people.

Now, go join Edie and Li'l Greg,

and as a congrats,

I have car wash gift certificates.

I don't need to be celebrated.

I'm sure my family will go completely overboard

like they always do.

Right. Your family.

I've met them.

Not a subtle people.

But let the fanfare begin.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

A piece of paper.

Eric Goldberg Schwartz?

You couldn't even spell my name right?

Oh, G... We were close, though, weren't we?

Let me just, uh, throw an "A" on there with my old trusty Bic.

No. Mail me a new one with my girl name.

That'll be an additional $1.50 postage.

And ceremony complete.

You all kinda did it.

Though her college didn't quite rise to the occasion,

Erica was certain my mom and Geoff would.

I'm home.

- Erica! - There she is.

Close your eyes. Don't look at anything!

Oh, no. Who could you possibly be celebrating?

Dang it, you guys ruined the surprise.

- Sorry. - Our fault.

You know, that's on us

for coming over here when you asked us for help.

It's gonna be the biggest, bestest baby shower of all time.

Baby shower? But we've already had two of those.

And it's all for you.

It doesn't seem like it's for me.

Oh, because it's not. I am talking to your baby.

Hello, my yummy in the tummy.

You're still cooking in the oven,

but when you pop out,

I'm gonna be the first person you see,

and I'm gonna bring a spoon so I can gobble you up!

And I'm bringing a delivery room door that locks.

Shh, shh, shh. The baby's trying to tell me something.

What's that?

And you're my best friend.

- I'm really sorry, ladies. - Not sorry.

Nobody wants that job. I'm good.

I don't even listen anymore.

Geoff, there you are.

You for sure know what I accomplished today.

Big time.

According to the 30 scientific books I read

on human gestation,

today is the day our child developed fingernails.

Right. Yeah, I guess that happened today, too.

I'm gonna teach you all about life,

and you're gonna keep me young

by teaching me all the new dances.

And I think there's something that you two are forgetting.

Oh, my God. How could we?

My standard grandchild greeting.

Kissy attack!

Move your swollen hands, Erica.

Let Daddy in for a helping, too.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 12th, 1980-something,

and I was living my dream, working in the movies.

For now, my job was watching a cone,

but this was surely the start

of what would be a long Hollywood career.

Cone boy, you're fired.

- Wait, what? - Dems the breaks.

Before you go, pack everything up.

We're gonna move the whole production back to LA.

I-I could stay on the team and go to LA.

Oh, what a fun idea.

No.

But what about the cone?

The cone's coming with us.

The cone gets to go to LA?!

The cone has value.

You're gonna regret it when I'm big time!

I think I'll be okay.

Ah.

Mr. Hasselhoff!

There he is. The weird kid.

- Evan. - Adam.

And did you know the production is moving back to LA?

Of course I do.

I'm David Hasselhoff.

- I know everything. - Damn it.

And just as I'm really coming into my own with my cone work.

Hey, can you help me?

Maybe take me with you to La-La Land?

Sorry, kid, they're gonna hire all new PAs in LA.

And that's enough to end this conversation.

Wha... David Hasselhoff, look out!

Thanks, Evan.

I owe you one.

Yes, you do, David Hasselhoff.

Yes, you do.

How dare they not take you to California.

You are vital.

Maybe I'm fooling myself.

Maybe anyone can watch a cone.

You and I both know that's not true.

I don't know what's true anymore.

God, I miss that cone.

What a sad tale of woe.

How you holding up, fair brother of mine?

Uh, fine, I guess.

What's your angle?

No angle.

Just a friendly face

offering his incredibly broad shoulder.

Fuh-gicle?

It's pronounced Fudge-sicle.

Again, what's happening right now?

Your girlfriend moved away. You lost your job.

This must be a really hard time for you.

Let's workshop these feelings.

To give you ammo to destroy me?

To support you.

Just stop stalling and get to the mean stuff.

You know, I suck, I'm a loser,

disparaging remarks about my hair, glasses,

and lack of athleticism.

Hey, you don't get to pick the body you're born with.

And I just want to help you

get back on your extremely flat feet.

Because then I'll owe you

and you'll make me pay you back

in some publicly humiliating way?

Adam, amigo, chum, never.

Now that Dad's gone,

someone's got to be the man of the house.

And as the oldest, wisest, and most jacked,

that's obviously me.

And there it was.

Barry didn't just want to be my compassionate older brother.

He wanted to be my dad.

Oh, balls.

I cherish you, brother.

I'm ready to get messy when you are.

It seems like you already got a head start.

Oh, damn it.

My fuh-gicle is pooling in the crook of my elbow.

All the towels!

While Barry wanted to advise me,

Erica went to her mother-in-law for advice of her own.

So, what's going on?

Well, ever since I got pregnant,

everyone has forgotten about me

and only been focusing on the baby.

Eyes up here, Linda.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But you're basically just a thing

that carries the baby now.

And by "thing," you mean a person

who is loved and respected, right?

No. I would describe you as more of a bucket.

A bucket?

What's in that bucket is all that matters.

But this all stops once I have the kid?

It'll get much worse.

See, then you're a mother, and mothers are invisible.

Like an old bucket that's exhausted and no one cares about.

All this bucket talk is super disappointing.

But true.

For instance, today is my birthday,

and not a single person in my life remembered.

Linda.

The foot water is tepid!

It needs to be refreshed!

Be there in a jiff, honey bun!

A jiff is not a measure of time I recognize.

But speaking of Jif,

I would like a spoon of some crunchy peanut butter while I soak.

Wow.

- Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. - Mm.

Well, you get used to it.

I mean, I'm not talking about the peanut butter and feet part,

but the other things.

That's the bucket life.

But I don't want the bucket life.

Geoff and my mom forgot

that I graduated from college yesterday.

Oh, congratulations!

It's just like when I became a councilwoman.

Holy crap. You're a Jenkintown councilwoman?

Two terms.

Just drop them some hints.

Knowing Bevy and Geoff, it won't take much,

and they will be mortified that they forgot.

I mean, it's not like they're Lou.

Linda, my hand has exactly zero spoons

of chunky peanut butter.

Happy birthday, Councilwoman.

While Erica was scared of Linda's cautionary tale,

I had my own upsetting story to tell.

Mr. Glascott, I need to talk to you.

Is it about my provocative sunbathing?

Honor the code of the neighbor's fence

and stop peering over.

This is about something very different...

Barry.

Ooh. Family intrigue.

Dish the dirt, you sassy hen.

Okay, I guess.

In the wake of my dad's passing,

Barry's trying to fill his shoes...

Metaphorically, of course.

In reality, my dad's shoes were disgusting,

as they housed his feet.

He once stole my newspaper barefoot, so I know.

And exactly what is Barry doing?

Well, for one, he keeps trying to spend time with me

because he knows I miss my girlfriend.

- How dare he! - Yeah.

Wait, that sounds surprisingly evolved.

If your brother Barry, who has historically been a buffoon,

is stepping up in a kind way, I say let him.

- Maybe you're right. - Yeah.

Ah. There you are, sport.

It's almost time to wash up for dinner.

Wash up?

You once tried to see how many quarters

you could fit in your mouth.

48.

And I sure hope you picked up your room

like your mother asked you to, sport.

Barry, you and I share the room.

And you're the one who started the Doritos fight.

And I almost forgot... I just bought this for you.

Thought it might make for some good dinnertime convo.

"Your Changing Body"?!

Don't worry, sport.

There are no stupid questions.

Especially about sex.

That is confusing.

My body has already changed!

And stop calling me sport!

They can be so difficult at this age,

but that's the job.

- Come here. - Oh!

Hey, listen, be home before the street lights come on.

Bye, Mr. Glascott.

Yeah, I was way wrong.

Barry can't be the man of the house.

You're right, Mr. Glascott. He can't.

But someone else can.

Is it me? Because I'm very not interested.

Whoa. Slow down, book.

I'm only on page 7.

While I had to come up with a plan to stop Barry,

Erica was ready to drop some very clear hints

to my mom and Geoff.

Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

Oh, nothing.

Just making a little baby shower cake.

What's that?

Well, cloth diapers are arranged in a circular trifold

to make up the cake portion.

The frosting layer is made entirely of burp cloths,

fashioned into a Dutch-Hungarian braid,

decorated with roses,

each one made out of 27 itty-bitty mini safety pins.

And I made a pile.

Gosh.

Everyone's going to so much trouble

just because I'm graduating to the next phase of life.

Oh, Schmoo,

what an odd way to express your thanks,

but it's our pleasure.

Seems that way.

But still, there are so many other important events in people's lives.

Some that make you so happy,

you just wanna throw your cap in the air.

Nonsense.

What could be more important than our little star?

Who's about to make its debut on the stage of life.

Mwah.

Speaking of tortured theater metaphors,

can we think of something else

that you might want to cross a stage for?

Mnh-mnh.

Honey, you've been off lately,

and I think I know why.

I really, really hope you do.

You're nervous about the baby coming.

- Oh, God. What? No. - Yes.

Erica, it's totally normal to be nervous.

I mean, I'm nervous.

My cool new friends I met down at Baby World are nervous.

Is that why you were gone for seven hours yesterday?

You were picking up strangers at a baby superstore?

Okay, Lee and Deb are no longer strangers,

and I learned so much...

Feeding, changing, burping.

It can all be so exciting and scary.

That's why I signed us up for a baby care class

that we can all take together.

Wait, like, all three of us?

Oh, while there's nothing left for me to learn,

I can be there to support you

and hold that instructor to impossibly high standards.

Thanks, but no thanks.

You're welcome, and you're going.

And this is just the thing

to help you focus on what really matters.

The baby in your belly.

Erica, look, the new baby carrier finally arrived.

Let's strap you in.

Yep. My mom and Geoff had not gotten the hint.

Their obsession with the baby was worse than ever.

Oh, you're a baby taxi.

But one thing was perfectly clear to Erica.

I'm a bucket.

My brother was determined to be the man of the house,

but someone else was about to throw his hat in the ring.

Amazing news, everyone...

I am the man of the house.

Ooh, I can't wait to hear

what the sweaty one says about this.

Falsehoods and untruths!

And away we go.

Adam is not the man of the house

because I've already claimed that mantle

with my words and deeds.

For sure, but do you have the official paperwork?

Because I do.

Oh, look, it's embossed for some reason.

This isn't valid.

What sanctioning body okayed this?

What's not okay is the anxiety I feel

every time I come over here.

Can it, Ginzy. Possible men are talking.

And now that I've filed the proper paperwork,

my first order of business as man of the house...

Barry, clean the gutters!

- What? - It's the beginning of fall.

Only a crazy person would expend the shoulder strength

on such a fool's errand.

I command you to do your homework.

It's pretty well established I'm a college dropout, dude.

Now go get the ladder and your leaf-scooping gloves.

Ooh. We got a classic man-off brewing in our midsts.

It's utterly meaningless, but it beats hanging streamers.

Oh, damn it, I forgot the ice.

Ohh.

It was the one task Murray used to do

when we had people over.

I'm surprised he did one.

And your husband's Bob [bleep] Vila?

Show some respect, Essie.

So, you'd say getting ice is the man of the house's job?

I'm saying it's anybody- who-will-get-it's job.

Not anyone.

Man of the house.

And that's me.

Not if I do it first!

Oh! Come on!

My glasses!

Oh. They're such sweet boys.

There's a good chance someone could get hurt,

but on the plus side, cold beverages.

And so, my brother and I raced to the store for ice.

The stakes were surprisingly high for frozen water.

All Barry had to do was find it.

Where's the ice?

Where's the ice?!

Ice, reveal yourself!

Come on, Barry, think!

All the times you came here and didn't buy ice.

Where did you not go?

Oh! Ice!

Of course!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yo, bro, you can't just get ice.

Corporate counts our cups.

Where I'm going, I don't need cups.

- What? - I don't know.

They keep the ice outside the store, ya moron.

Face it, Bar, I'm the man of the house.

How?

When Dad needed ice, he'd bring me

so I could run inside and pay for it.

He couldn't even do that one task.

And neither could you.

You know what?

You're right.

It's not as much fun if you just give up.

What's the point?

I saw you struggling

and I thought I could step up and help,

but you don't respect me.

Why would you?

I can't even get ice. Gah!

My competition with Barry had left him feeling cold.

Meanwhile, Erica's frustration was heating up.

Welcome to Caring for Your Newborn,

where you will learn the basics of life with your new baby.

We're all suckling at your teat of knowledge.

Sorry, bad start.

Now, I'm glad to see everyone has a partner.

Some of you are lucky to have two.

So, so lucky.

I'm the grandma.

I know it's confusing 'cause I look so young.

I think they get it.

I made her, and she's making the baby.

We're like those Russian nesting dolls,

but with real people.

And I'm the biggest doll.

I guess I'm the sad middle doll.

I got Philadelphia 76ers nesting dolls at home,

but I lost the bottom to Moses Malone.

O-kay.

If no one else has anything to say about dolls,

let's learn how to swaddle.

But Erica wasn't really there to learn anything.

Cheggit. Super-baby.

In fact...

Ooh!

... she didn't want to be there at all.

How'd you get so dirty?

Look, it's surfing.

Hang ten, dude.

Now, get it out.

Oh.

Burped myself.

Oh!

Alright, well, I think I got it. I'm out.

Wait, where are you going?

We haven't even learned about nipple latching.

It's tougher than you think, Erica.

I couldn't get you off of me.

When you were three weeks old, I wore you to a dinner party.

What's her problem?

I knew this would happen.

I set too high a standard for being a mother.

At least that's what my mom thought,

but at the moment, raising a kid

was the last thing on Erica's mind.

And another thing, you are gonna return that baby doll.

Nah, it's a little souvenir for the fun day I had.

Time for night-night.

Aah! It doesn't have the neck muscles for that yet!

Well, the good news is I talked Ms. Maria

into honoring you with this.

A baby class diploma?

Not that you deserve it.

And with that, my sister had finally had enough.

You know what? You're right.

I may not deserve this diploma,

but I'm pretty sure that I deserve this one.

I graduated from college yesterday.

- Ohhhh. - [Bleep]

But nobody remembered and no one cared,

because clearly, all that matters is this baby,

and I'm just a bucket.

It was my birthday yesterday!

I am so sorry.

I had to fix the damage I did to Barry.

Luckily, a TV superstar owed me a favor.

Mr. Hasselhoff.

Oh, no.

Now what?

You're desperately needed to resolve a small family issue.

That's definitely something I should be involved in,

but I'm on a plane back to LA in a few hours.

But you said, "I owe you one."

"I owe you one" is an expression.

It's not a binding agreement.

So David Hasselhoff's word is worthless?

I wonder if John Tesh and Mary Hart

would like to hear about that.

Not the "Entertainment Tonight" hosts.

You could live up to your word.

Just take me to your problem.

David Hasselhoff is happy to help!

Hey, Bar, it's me. Open the door.

I don't want to talk to you.

I get it, but I have someone here you will want to talk to.

It's your personal hero.

- Is it Carl Weathers? - No.

- Chuck Norris? - No.

- Lou Ferrigno? - No.

- Jean-Claude Van Damme? - No!

- Tony Danza? - No!

Just open the damn door! It's David Hasselhoff!

David Hasselhoff from "Knight Rider"?

Is KITT here, too?

I should be enough.

I'm sorry.

I'm just having a really hard time right now,

David Hasselhoff.

Look, I'm here to say...

What was it again?

"Barry, you don't need to fill your dad's shoes,

because no one can.

But it was nice that you tried to step up for your brother,

and even though sometimes you go too far,

"he appreciates it... A lot."

He does, David Hasselhoff?

And David has one more thing to say.

"Adam couldn't ask for a better brother.

And that's all you ever need to be."

Oh, damn it, David Hasselhoff.

You know all the right things to say.

Get over here, bro.

Look at that.

What a nice, weird moment.

Sometimes all it takes is a TV icon to make things right,

but all Geoff had was his big heart.

Let me get that for you.

Thanks.

I'm as big as a house.

But the most beautiful house I've ever seen.

Like the place where Batman lives.

You know, not the cave part,

but the upstairs with all the wood and the fireplace.

No, I got it. Nice house.

Erica, I messed up.

You deserve to be celebrated.

You're the most kick-ass person I know.

Graduating from Penn early... That's amazing.

Just like you are.

And I'm so, so proud of you.

Sure, well, it's pretty well established

that I am the best.

You really are.

And as your husband

and the father to whatever's going on in here,

I need to do a better job

at honoring the amazing woman you are.

Starting with this.

What did you do?

I made a call to Provost Dean.

Put it on and come downstairs.

It may have come late,

and it may have been a repurposed baby shower,

but that day,

Erica got the graduation she deserved.

♪♪

There's my graduating Schmoopie.

Mom.

Erica, I couldn't be more excited about your baby,

but you were my baby first,

and that will never change.

We all love you so much.

Even me.

But I do now question if I should even be talking in this moment.

We've all had some wine.

You said this was non-alcoholic.

You'll be fine. Congratulations.

Dean Provost Dean, you may begin.

Lucky me.

Erica Goldberg Schwartz,

will you please accept this diploma?

- Whoo! - Oh!

My baby graduated! She did it!

That's my wife!

And for your commencement speaker, um...

David Hasselhoff?

Really?

Yeah. Really?

I mean, you're here.

And what you said upstairs was really moving.

Fine.

But I definitely no longer owe you one.

Friends, parents, graduate,

while I'm not entirely sure why I'm here,

there is one thing I do know.

It's important to celebrate

the big things and the small things,

and frankly, everything in between,

because none of us know what life is gonna bring,

and while you're around the people that you love,

you gotta celebrate it all.

I couldn't have said it better myself, David Hasselhoff.

Have you seen your mother?

She needs to put the drawstrings back in my sweatpants.

I haven't seen her, but have you considered doing it yourself?

Are you mad, son?

These fingers are like sausages.

They have no taper. How about you, Erica?

How about me, what?

Dad, why don't you just put on some jeans?

Oh, is that your generation's solution to everything?

Denim?

I want to watch TV in relaxed pants.

I need your mother.

I might actually know where she is.

Motion passes.

What am I looking at right now?

Just your wife getting a speed bump put in

over on Cedar Street.

Linda?!

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -