Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my mom was a well-established

pain in the ass at school.

No one was safe...

Earl... Earl... Earl...

Unacceptable, Earl.

...especially Principal Earl Ball.

From complaints to rants to questions and suggestions...

Oh, crap, she's already here!

...for my mom, Ball's door was always open.

- Knock-knock! - Whoa!

Saying "knock-knock" is not the same

as actually knocking and giving a person time

to hide under his desk.

I have important Quaker Warden business, Earl.

- Uh-huh. - What do you see in this Polaroid?

A urinal.

This is the urinal from the third-floor boys' room.

And there is a giant chip in the porcelain.

How long have you been photographing our urinals?

Our boys are princes.

Do you really expect them to make pishy on chipped porcelain?

Which answer ends this conversation?

None of them do. And in anticipation of your question,

"Where are we gonna get the money

"for a school-wide urinal reglazing?",

the answer is simple.

Take it out of Mrs. Montag's salary.

The Latin teacher.

That language is dead. And let's face it,

it's only a matter of months

before Montag jumps in the grave with it.

You raise an important point

which merits careful consideration.

Be right back.

Goldberg.

Aah! You have light footsteps.

It's come to my attention that you would like to use

the school's fancy, new Avid editing machine?

And how!

I'm completely underwater

editing my new Blade Runner spoof.

I call it Blade Walker.

But it's still over three hours,

and the test audience, Dave Kim, is not having it.

None of that interests me in the least.

- But... Here. - (KEYS JINGLING)

Keys to the editing suite.

Bless your administrative heart.

But there is a certain quid pro quo involved.

Oh, I don't know any Latin.

Mrs. Montag pretty much sleeps through the entire class.

Someone should check on her.

What I'm saying is, I need to know

what your mother plans to do after you graduate.

Power walks, annoy people, argue with shop clerks.

More of the same, I guess.

I meant job-wise.

She hasn't said anything about next year.

But I guess I could find out.

I need you to press your sweaty little thumb on the scale

and push really hard toward her leaving.

You think I actually have influence over what she does?

Well, I imagine you will find a way.

There you are, Earl.

You left me hanging in your office.

Apologies.

I was just having a chat with your multitalented son.

Yep. Principal Ball was just giving me the keys

to the new Avid suite.

No, no. I will you give you them after you accomplish

the task which you have promised to do for me.

I think you should give me the keys

to incentivize me to do the task.

- That's not gonna happen. - First keys, then task.

No, no! First task, then keys!

My actual son and my work husband have such a fun vibe.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

Subs by kinglouisxx for www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was a Sunday night, 1980-something,

which for Erica and Geoff

meant Chinese food at the Schwartzes'.

- Who's ready for Sunday Chow Fun Day? - BARRY: Ha!

One of the days of the week

rhymes with an Asian noodle dish.

- My dad's hilarious. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, watch out, Eddie Murphy.

Someone's looking to fill your red leather suit.

- (LAUGHTER) - ADULT ADAM: Yeah, for Erica,

Sunday nights felt like a whole lot of the same,

from Linda's fawning over Geoff...

Congratulations, Erica. You won the husband lottery!

- (LAUGHTER) - to Lou's corny jokes...

"Help! I'm a prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory!"

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, Lou, you are terrible.

Yes, he is.

...and the menu choices that weren't for everyone.

Erica, sweet-and-sour turkey neck?

I'm good. I had a couple of necks for lunch.

Neck me, Lou. It's the chewiest part of the head.

And like clockwork,

at exactly whenever they felt like it,

Barry and Joanne would take off.

Well, this has been a treat,

but now I'm full and bored,

so we're outtie.

Time to go watch 21 Jump Street.

It's about ridiculously handsome undercover cops

investigating crimes in high schools.

It seems like that wouldn't be

enough to fill out a series.

- Oh, for sure. - (CLICKS TONGUE) Ta!

Hold up. Why do they get to leave?

I think of it more like we get to stay.

Sometimes, I don't know who the lucky ones are.

I think I have a good idea.

Finally, Erica's least-favorite part of the night...

Geoffrey, would you mind?

We've got quite the Sonny-do list this week.

...the chores,

which Lou and Linda would always pile on Geoff.

"Replace batteries in smoke detectors.

"Program VCR. Refill humidifier.

"Empty dehumidifier."

Hey, what do you say we put the humidifier and the dehumidifier

in the same room and let them fight it out?

(LAUGHTER)

Well, fans of that joke

will have next week to look forward to

and last week to look back on.

To put it mildly, Erica's Sunday was in no way a fun day.

Wasn't that such a delight?

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

- I don't enjoy Sunday night at your parents'. - Wha?

It's the same, exact thing every single week.

Yeah, because it's tradition.

Geoff, we're married now.

We can start a new tradition...

Of never doing your parents' Sunday-night thing again.

Never again?

Come on. We can snuggle up and order in.

Oh, we can watch Jump Street.

I mean, I guess I do enjoy

Johnny Depp's whole undercover vibe.

He carries a gun and a backpack.

There you go. You like what you like,

and I like no more lame-ass Sundays.

- What? - Jump Street.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica was putting the brakes on Sunday dinner,

it was time for me to try to steer my mom toward retirement.

Nice new sedan, Jackie.

Kudos to your divorce lawyer.

Come on, Theresa. I wouldn't be in a hurry

to pick up your twins either,

but I need you moving forward.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Make it quick. I'm helping others.

Move it!

Apropos of nothing,

I was wondering if you're gonna retire next year?

Why would I do that? I'm the Quaker Warden,

entrusted with promoting kindness and family values.

Slow the [Bleep] down, Candace!

Anyway, what would Earl do without me?

- Oh, I think he'd find a way to soldier on. - (TIRES SCREECH)

- Where's this coming from, schmoo? - (HORN HONKS)

I just want you to have a fulfilling life.

I've had a great career here.

I'm excited for New York.

Maybe there's a new chapter for you, too.

Think about it.

Huh.

ADULT ADAM: With that, I got my mom's mind racing about her future.

Meanwhile, Geoff's bad news to his parents

stopped them dead in their tracks.

You're boycotting Sunday Chow Fun Day?

He didn't say the word "boycotting," Lou.

Thank you, Mom.

He just said that he doesn't love us anymore.

What? No!

It's just now that Erica and I are married,

we've decided to spend our Sunday nights together.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Of course it does. This guy gets it.

Well, try to keep in touch.

Dad, it's not like I'm never gonna see you again.

Geoffrey, please don't explain.

You're a married man.

You've got to do what you've got to do.

- Preach, Louie. - But I'll still come by all the time.

I can still do the chores.

No need. Your father and I can figure out

how to change the batteries in the smoke detectors.

Or if we can't, I guess we'll find out the hard way.

Well, enjoy your Sunday nights

and, you know, the rest of your lives.

Samesies. All right, uh, let's hit it, Geoff.

Be gone, Geoffrey! The sooner you go,

the sooner your mother and I can start the healing.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Our spark may be out, but our bodies live on.

All right, I'm gonna pull the car around.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff felt the sting of ditching his parents,

school was buzzing with a mystery announcement.

Any idea what the assembly's about?

Probably something about

how only we can prevent forest fires.

It feels like there has to be someone more responsible.

(FEEDBACK)

Treasured students,

distinguished faculty, Brea...

Hard not to feel singled out by that.

...as your Quaker Warden, we have laughed together,

cried together,

and grown together.

But as all good things must come to an end,

so, too, must this.

Where is this going?

Which is why the end of this academic year

will mark the end of my tenure as your Quaker Warden.

WOODBURN: Am I dreaming?

I don't think I'm dreaming, 'cause I'm not naked.

Sadly, Dale, it's not a dream.

Hit it, kids.

♪ I guess I thought you'd be here forever ♪

♪ Another illusion I chose to create ♪

♪ You don't know what you've got ♪

♪ Until it's gone ♪

♪ And I found out ♪

♪ A little too late ♪

♪ Now, being without you ♪

♪ Takes a lot of getting used to ♪

♪ Should learn to live with it ♪

♪ But I don't want to ♪

CHOIR: ♪ Being without you ♪

♪ Is all a big mistake ♪

♪ Instead of getting easier ♪

♪ It's the hardest thing to take ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you, babe ♪

(CRYING) ♪ You're a hard habit to break ♪

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

I want to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to serve you,

especially my partner in crime, Principal Earl Ball.

Look at him smiling bravely over there.

Stay strong, Earl.

Will do.

Now, I've earmarked the next hour for a retrospective Q&A.

I have a "Q."

What are you gonna do now that you're leaving us

high and, if I might add, dry?

Well, John, I've decided to take my talents to New York City.

What talents are those, exactly?

My parenting talents.

I am gonna follow Adam to NYU.

What's that, now?

She said she's going to NYU,

where I'm also going.

This suddenly affects me.

Actually, it was Adam's idea for me to join him.

That was not at all my idea.

He said, "Mama,

"let's go write our next chapter together in New York."

Those were neither my words nor my intention.

Any other questions?

Yeah, mine's not so much a question as a comment.

This is the happiest day of my teaching career.

(LAUGHING) Oh! Too much, Dale.

Oh, thank you for adding levity to a difficult time.

And thank you, schmoo.

This is all because of you.

Assembly dismissed.

Big thanks, Goldberg.

Happy editing.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's decision to retire from William Penn

and join me at NYU was my fault.

All I could do was try to fix it.

Ball, I need you to convince my mom

to stay here as Quaker Warden.

Here's the thing. No.

I'm in real trouble here, man!

Me too. Do I look like I need more social impediments?

Those sound like Dave Kim problems.

But you're our principal.

Aren't you supposed to care about our experience?

You would think.

But I got to tell you,

news of your mom leaving has put a real bounce in my step.

And look!

Are you actually regrowing hair?

Y-Yes! And it's not just me.

Take a look. What do you see?

Mr. Woodburn is doing a one-man conga line.

Ms. Hooper found a hula-hoop.

And Helen, the cafeteria lady,

is working a margarita machine.

- (MACHINE WHIRRING) - It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere.

It really isn't.

I did you a solid,

and now my college experience is gonna eat turds.

I probably won't even go anymore.

I'll just join my cousin selling junk bonds.

Sure, I'll have a white leather couch

and a doorman that high-fives me

and says, "D.K. in the house!"

But it's not college!

Sorry. Deal's a deal.

Margarita me, Helen.

Hey!

Come on, Dave Kim. I think I have an idea.

ADULT ADAM: While I had a plan for how to

get my mom off our collegiate backs,

Erica and Geoff were enjoying a Sunday night with no plans.

Do you think the people at 22 Jump Street suspect

that they live next to a bunch of undercover high-school cops?

Well, actually, 22 Jump Street would be across the street,

not next door, because it's an even number.

Why so sullen? We're living the Sunday-night dream.

I know. It's just...

This is the first time I can remember

not spending Sunday night with my parents.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I miss my dad's fortune-cookie jokes.

But by this time, you'd be refilling ice trays.

Do you really miss that?

And, besides, Barry's doing that stuff now.

I guess you're right.

I mean, they're in good hands.

They're in the best hands.

ADULT ADAM: That may not have been exactly true.

Lou, I'm full of duck and ready to rock.

Give me that list of yours.

You know, I can probably hunker down and do this all myself.

- Nonsense, Lou. - No.

Your game is eyeballs.

Mine is dominating your lame to-do list.

Now, someone grab me a pair of pliers,

a random number of batteries of any size,

and a leftover leg of that Peking duck.

I thought you said you were full.

I was Linda, but when I stood up,

the food in me shifted and created more room.

I'm like a suitcase that way.

Yeah, you are.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry geared up to step in for Geoff,

the teachers had stepped up and thrown my mom a going-away party.

Beverly, it's with a heavy heart

and an inadequate knife

that I attempt to cut this ice-cream cake

that Helen was supposed to remove from the freezer

an hour ago.

I'm also supposed to change out the chili from week to week.

- What can you do? - (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Mama, I made a little video for this occasion.

Raise your hand if you're tired of this kid's videos already.

- I don't have to be nice to you anymore. - You were nice to me?

Anyway, Principal Ball,

I think you'll see I put the new editing equipment to good use.

Oh, no.

You have an inner calm which suggests

you've regained the upper hand.

Let's find out. Dave Kim, lights.

ADULT ADAM: What Ball didn't count on

was that I'd make a video so emotionally manipulative,

it would make my mom never want to leave.

I'm John Glascott.

I'm gutted, because, soon,

the sun will go down on my place of employment forever.

Our Quaker Warden is like bumpers in a bowling alley.

She keeps you from ending up in the gutter,

where I was no doubt headed.

I feel sorry for the hundreds of kids

who have to walk these halls

without Beverly's loving support.

Adam, this is [Bleep].

We also share a small patch in the community garden together,

although I do the majority of the work, and her carrots are dead.

Students, you will always cherish the time you spent with...

...Beverly Goldberg.

Thank you, Beverly, for all you've given us.

(CRYING)

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Wow.

It's almost like I died.

You didn't die, Mama.

The school did.

Isn't that right, Dave Kim?

I lowered the flag to half-mast.

It was difficult, 'cause I'm not good with ropes.

Luckily, one child, me,

gets to continue to have you in their life,

instead of thousands.

But a choice has been made,

and there's probably no way to reverse it, right?

Nope. I guess it makes the most sense

to leave all the innocent children

in these deeply flawed people's hands.

Damn it, I'm sorry. Adam, I can't.

- I'm staying here. - What?

- Why? - Hot dog!

Look, I know you're shocked, and so am I,

but how can I leave after seeing how much I mean to this place?

(SQUEALS)

(LAUGHTER)

And that's how you do that.

You are not gonna get away with this.

I think I already did.

ADULT ADAM: As I regained the upper hand and got my mom to stay,

Lou's to-do list was in good hands, thanks to Barry.

Sorta.

It's fall ahead, spring behind, right?

I don't know clocks. I get up when I'm hungry.

I've never been more confident about a 50/50 guess in my life.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

ADULT ADAM: Next was "change batteries in smoke detectors."

Are you sure that's a new battery?

- (SMOKE DETECTOR CHIRPING) - Define "sure" and "new."

I only ask because it's beeping.

- (CHIRP) - That's the sound of it

detecting you're a smoke show. (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Aw!

ADULT ADAM: And then "fix Lou's reading glasses."

Finally, "change light bulb in fridge."

Why does he need a new bulb? I can see in here just fine.

Whoa!

They're bananas-in-the-fridge people.

Okay.

ADULT ADAM: With that, the list was complete...

End of story.

Or was it?

I'm hardly tired,

but I guess the clock doesn't lie.

ADULT ADAM: Because the clock had been adjusted wrong...

- (GROANS) - ...Lou accidentally went to bed

earlier than usual.

That meant the usually heavy-sleeping Lou

- was fully awakened... - (CHIRP)

...by the beeping of the smoke detector.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

After changing the battery himself,

Lou was pretty worked up.

So he thought he'd wind down

with a little nighttime reading.

Spin your saucy yarn, Jackie Collins.

But there was no Jackie Collins with busted glasses.

So instead of reading, Lou grabbed a beverage

- from the pitch-black fridge. - What the... Can't see a darned...

- Oh, no! Whoa! - (THUD)

Linda!

Lou!

I can't find my Jackie Collins book anywhere.

Other bad things have happened tonight, Linda!

ADULT ADAM: After my mom announced she was staying on as Quaker Warden,

Principal Ball had an announcement of his own.

In light of recent events, I have decided,

at the end of this school year,

I will be stepping down as your principal.

Say it ain't so. Are you leaving because of me?

I can do better.

This is just like my parents' divorce last week.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting.

Yesterday, I saw a butterfly land on a daffodil,

and in that moment of profound beauty,

I realized,

life is too short for this crap.

Anyway, assembly dismissed.

Assembly un-dismissed. I, too, have an announcement.

Oh, no.

The recent announcement by my colleague, Principal Ball,

uh, has made me realize

that without him by my side,

I have no purpose here.

- So I, too, am stepping down. - (STUDENTS MURMURING)

Seems weird all of this is playing out in front of us.

In light of the Quaker Warden's

even-more-recent announcement of her departure,

I would like to announce that I have reconsidered

and I will be staying on as your principal.

Ugh! I've seen pretzel factories with fewer twists.

- Don't they have staff meetings or... - (FEEDBACK)

Uh, but you just said life was too short.

But... But I re-re-considered.

And... And the butterfly and the daffodil... Big yawn.

Life is exactly the right length.

Well, then I'm staying, too. Ha ha!

Then I'm going.

I don't think she's getting what he's doing here.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, look at that. She got it.

You don't want to leave.

You just want to be wherever I'm not!

How can I convey this? Totally.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, it was clear.

Neither my mom nor Principal Ball really wanted to leave,

and I had to be the one to remind them why.

Wait!

It's true, I wanted independence at college.

But, Principal Ball, you don't really want my mom to leave.

It feels like that is what I want.

No! I think, deep down, you have affection for her.

And you share the same goal,

making sure every kid who passes through this place

gets the very best they deserve.

I suppose.

But she just makes it so darn difficult sometimes.

But all of you have benefited from having her here,

from the shiny, new urinals

to safer parking lots

to teachers who care deeply.

She's made this school, and you, better.

Well, she did fight for me to win

the Educator of the Year Award,

which is usually just a beauty contest.

And she always checks the dates on the cans I open.

I mean, who does that?

She got me chalk when I asked you for chalk

and you said to go to the "chalk-o-late factory,"

but you didn't really tell me where the chalk was.

(LAUGHING) Yeah. Oh, just come back to me later.

You know I'm your biggest champion.

PRINCIPAL BALL: Enough!

I will meet you halfway.

Will you just back off a tad?

No.

No?

If I do, then the kids won't get what they need.

Damn it! Fine.

I guess we can both stay.

(GASPS) Ahh!

Oh, you want me! You really want me!

Best assembly ever.

ADULT ADAM: As two important pieces

of the William Penn puzzle came together,

Geoff was left to pick up the pieces.

- Dad, are you okay? - He's fine.

Just a headache and a pretty good bump on the pumpkin.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Lou.

You should be. This is on you.

Excuse me?

None of this would have happened

if you hadn't made such a big deal

about doing our own Sunday-night thing.

I like being with my parents.

I even like doing their chores.

In your face, Erica.

But it's also on both of you.

What are you saying?

I love you guys so much, but sometimes,

you take advantage of me.

Now whose face is it in?

I suppose we do take advantage,

but it's just that we love spending time

with our sweet boy.

- We all do. - (BELINDA CARLISLE'S MAD ABOUT YOU PLAYS)

Look, there's no reason that we can't compromise.

Some Sunday nights we'll be at home, and some, we'll be here.

And you're okay with that?

If it's with you, definitely.

Can we watch something besides Geoff just doing chores?

What else do you have in mind?

We'll think of something... Together.

♪ I'm mad about you... ♪

ADULT ADAM: Marriage is a push and a pull,

just like all relationships.

But if you and the important people in your life

remember that you want the same things...

♪ Mad about you... ♪

...you'll always feel like you're in the right place.

What are you? Morton Downey?

Are we supposed to believe those adult gentlemen are boys?

BOTH: Yep.

- I love it! - (LAUGHTER)

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Something 'bout you ♪

There they are.

We just came to give you our laundry. Extra softener.

I like my towels buttery.

I heard you've been

spending Sundays with the Schwartzes.

And I wanted to grab a day,

so say hello to Tuesdays with my Schmoos Day.

Ooh! What fun wordplay.

And by the heat of Erica's glare, I'm disengaging now.

Then it's Momtober Fest,

a 31-day celebration of my affection for you.

I'm gonna be out of town all of Momtober.

- What? - (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

You can't say no to Friday Fry Day,

where I will deep-fry anything you want.

- Hear my word. No. - Even vegetables?