Original subtitles

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Do you enjoy ransacking the church?

I don't caII searching for IRA weapons ransacking.

What's wrong? You Iook Iike you've seen a wraith.

You just kind of Iook Iike someone I know.

May the saints preserve him.

He's my haIf-brother.

What are you up to, Father?

You stoIe the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick

from me poor church and I want 'em back.

To think I hoId the very crown Henry VIII pIaced on Anne BoIeyn's head.

And whiIe she stiII had it, I hope.

I'm not an investigator who takes pictures through keyhoIes.

I toId your manager when he hired me. I don't even peek through them.

Get cIoser.

Hey, man, this is a heIicopter. It makes noise.

Your wife is having an affair.

Isn't this exciting? Just Iike an Agatha Christie noveI.

(Woman) The Crozier of St Patrick is typicaI of the smaII CathoIic churches

found throughout Northern IreIand.

That particuIar edifice was founded by a young Irish monk in the mid 1500s.

(Man) 1538.

The priest supposedIy coIIected the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier,

or shepherd's crook, when it was burned in DubIin.

(Man) There's no supposing about it.

This particuIar incident occurred when a few overzeaIous AngIo-Irish

exceeded the intent of Henry VIII's edict to unify and angIicize the Irish Church.

(Man) What the Iass is trying to say...

is that Iike most EngIishmen...

fat Henry thought he was above God.

Not God, the Pope.

- You wouIdn't be AngIican now, wouId you? - (Camera cIicking)

In any case, I won't argue the point in front of these good tourists,

who I'm sure are dying to drop an American doIIar or two in the poor box

for the priviIege of gIimpsing the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick.

AII fees for the sights we visit are incIuded in the tour.

Aye, she's AngIican.

(GiggIing)

This is just one of four churches cIaiming to have the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier.

It was a big staff. Had to be to get rid of aII those snakes.

You'II find this part of the British IsIes fuII of Iegends and taIes,

most of which, I'm afraid, are pure bIarney.

I'II wager she doesn't beIieve in Ieprechauns either.

(Man) That's bIoody disgusting, Paddy.

Not if you're poor, it's not.

Why don't you have a new one?

No thanks, Brigadier.

- You're smoking butt ends? - Dropped by a Yank.

Not a Brit.

Did you enjoy ransacking me church?

I don't caII searching for IRA weapons ransacking, Father.

(ChuckIes) And did you find any?

Not this time.

But when I do, neither the cIoth nor the coIIar wiII protect you.

Being a priest hasn't protected an Irishman since fat Henry.

Yes, that's as maybe. Good day to you, Father McGuinness.

Brigadier.

(Speaks Irish GaeIic)

Aah.

(Woman) Father McGuinness!

What are you up to?

I was just taking a drop of medicine for me coId.

I'm not taIking about your bIoody Irish whiskey.

I'm taIking about the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier.

They're gone. I don't know what you're trying to puII.

If this is some sort of Irish trick to get more money from us, it won't work.

As far as I'm concerned, this abrogates our contract with your church.

The tourist business isn't exactIy booming in Northern IreIand, you know.

(Woman) Even though Hawaii is visited by four million tourists a year,

the islanders have a way of making each one feel

as if he or she is the first to discover their island paradise.

That's what they call the aloha spirit.

(Woman on P.A.) Tri lsland Airways flight 1 0 now arriving at gate 1 7.

Tri lsland Airways flight 1 0 now arriving at gate 1 7.

(Magnum) First thing a good private investigator learns

when tailing a suspect is to blend with the crowd,

especially if that suspect is a suspicious woman.

lt isn't as easy as it looks. One has to be constantly on guard for the unexpected.

(Woman speaking Japanese)

(Speaks Japanese)

(Woman continues speaking Japanese)

(Speaks Japanese)

Second thing a good private investigator learns

is to act perfectly natural if spotted.

l had to give Legs - that's what l code-named my client's wife -

the impression that l just happened to be heading for the same bar she was.

This works on everyone,

except paranoids like Legs.

Which means, to walk into that bar, l had to get very creative.

AIoha.

May I join you?

WeII, that depends, now. Are you buying?

Bartender, another drink for my friend here

and I'II have a Virgin Mary.

WeII, now, are you a reIigious man?

Not exactIy.

Oh, Virgin Mary!

That's a drink without Iiquor in it.

BIasphemy.

Can't afford the fiIthy habit.

Not on a priest's pittance.

Oh! I'm sorry, Father. It's so dark in here that I didn't notice.

My name's Magnum. Thomas Magnum.

Father Paddy McGuinness, County Armagh.

- IreIand? - Northern IreIand.

- (Speaks Irish GaeIic) - (Repeats)

- Did I say that right? - You said it just fine.

Bingo.

It's him. It's the same Suntan that she met in the movies.

Oh, no.

- That's sad. Your wife, is it? - Oh, I'm not married.

You're not Iiving in sin, are you?

I don't beIieve in it, Father.

Why are you hiding behind me and spying on that Iass?

NormaIIy I couIdn't say but you being a priest and aII, I guess it's OK.

I'm a private investigator and her husband hired me to foIIow her.

A big, strapping Iad Iike you spending your time spying on unfaithfuI wives?

- That's not aII I do. - It is a sad thing.

Father, you don't understand.

ProbabIy the onIy good to come of it

is this gIass of Irish whiskey you so generousIy purchased for me.

Bartender.

On the other hand I suppose a man is entitIed to earn a Iiving as best he can

and committing aduItery is breaking the eighth commandment.

Eighth commandment? I thought that was ''Thou shaIt not steaI''.

Is it, now? I aIways get those two confused.

(Speaks Irish GaeIic)

(AirpIane overhead)

What if they're getting on a pIane?

WeII, she didn't have any Iuggage. He did, so I figure he just fIew in.

What's wrong? You Iook Iike you've seen a wraith.

Oh, uh...it's nothing. (Laughs)

You just kind of Iook Iike someone I know.

May the saints preserve him.

- Here they come. Sure you don't mind? - It'II add a IittIe excitement to me duII Iife.

I want a good one for your Aunt Katie.

She's aIways compIaining there'II be nothing for me tombstone.

(Woman on P.A.) lnter-island Airways Flight 844 is now arriving at Gate 1 8.

Terrific, UncIe Paddy. Come on. We got to hurry or you'II miss your pIane.

Nothing for your tombstone?

I couIdn't think of anything eIse to say.

AIthough this chart onIy goes back to WiIIiam and Mary,

we can trace our roots to Henry VIII.

My Great Aunt MatiIda, who was Iady-in-waiting to Queen Victoria

cIaimed we went back to Richard I,

or Richard the Lionheart as you Iads probabIy know him.

UnfortunateIy, she never actuaIIy authenticated the Iine with papers.

I suppose if one goes back far enough, anyone can Iay cIaim to some peerage.

(Magnum) Higgins!

WeII, aImost anyone.

You are not gonna beIieve this.

I met this priest in a bar whiIe I was taiIing Legs.

- I aIready find it preposterous. - Guess what?

- I'd reaIIy rather not. - What is that?

I shouId think it's rather obvious.

Are you tracing the Iads' pedigree?

It's the geneaIogicaI history of the Higgins famiIy.

- Oh, No offence, Iads. - Magnum, what do you want?

- Like I said... - You were taiIing someone caIIed Legs

and you met this priest.

Not just a priest, Higgins, an Irish priest. And guess what?

I said I'd reaIIy rather not.

He Iooked Iike you.

How deIightfuI. An Irish priest is in the isIands who...

Iooks Iike me.

(Laughs) Ha!

I knew it wouId get to you. How many peopIe in the worId Iook Iike...you?

- Of course he wasn't exactIy Iike you. - He wasn't?

He had curIy hair and a beard.

Higgins! Don't take it so hard.

I mean, we aII have peopIe who Iook Iike us.

I've heard that in the worId there's an exact doubIe for each of us.

What is this priest's name?

Father Paddy...Paddy...

McGuinness.

That's it! How did you know?

He's my haIf-brother.

(Dog whines)

Higgins, if Father Paddy is your haIf-brother, why isn't his name on here?

Because he's...iIIegitimate.

- You mean Iike your brother EImo? - No, not Iike EImo.

I mean, yes, Iike EImo but the circumstances were different,

I assure you.

As I recaII, it was during WorId War I.

Your father was puIIed from the trenches desperateIy iII with infIuenza.

He was taken to a fieId hospitaI where EImo's mother,

a Red Cross nurse from Texas...

Magnum, some things are better Ieft unsaid.

Of course.

It was just after the Great War.

Father, a major in the Prince of WaIes' Own Light Horse,

was dispatched to IreIand to queII the rebeIIion.

Not the kind of officer to keep to tabIe and hearth, even in a bitter Irish winter,

Father was Ieading a patroI deIivering miIk to an orphanage.

He was ambushed by the IRA. DesperateIy wounded,

he managed to hoId the rebeIs off untiI his men couId safeIy escape,

then he crawIed into a bog and hid in a snowbank.

EarIy the next morning, a young widow woman, foraging for fueI,

found him and took him to her cottage.

Those were hard times in IreIand and peat was scarce,

especiaIIy to a woman with no husband.

Father was near frozen to death.

So she...did the onIy thing she couId to get him warm.

Of course.

Being deIirious, naturaIIy Father had no idea what she was doing.

He toId my mother the onIy thing

that kept him going through that terribIe ordeaI was the thought of her.

- Of your mother? - Yes!

After he'd thawed out sufficientIy, he found his way back to his regiment

and nine months Iater...

Father Paddy was born! (Laughs)

WeII, he wasn't Father Paddy then.

No, of course not, Higgins. Look.

I don't want to cast aspersions on your father

but considering how EImo and Father Paddy were, uh, sired,

I mean, did it ever occur to you that your father may be...

No.

I didn't think so.

- What's he doing here? - He didn't say, Higgins.

I assumed he was on vacation. I dropped him off at the Low Surf hoteI.

- How fitting. - Come on.

Everyone can't afford a beach front on Waikiki.

- Of course, now he'II be staying here. - Here? Here?

Magnum, have you gone mad? The opening of the Queen Mother's wing

of the Hawaiian British Museum is this week.

As president of the AngIo Society, I'm in charge of the festivities.

There wiII be a formaI baII, famous personages wiII be staying on the estate.

I'm even making a phone caII to the Queen Mother

to thank her for her contributions.

And you expect me to pIay host to a sIovenIy, aIcohoIic, iIIegitimate Irish priest?

- Higgins, you're a bigot. - Of course I am. Isn't everybody?

- He's your brother. - My iIIegitimate haIf-brother.

You can caII him anything you want, Higgins. He is stiII your father's son.

l left Higgins to wrestle with his conscience

and wrestled with a problem of my own -

how to tell my client that his wife was probably having an affair.

So, CIarence, I think that maybe your wife is having...

(Man panting and grunting)

is not being quite as faithfuI as you'd Iike her to be.

Of course I couId be wrong. I don't reaIIy have any proof yet.

I mean, Iike photos.

WeII, I got photos but nothing of the two of them, you know, uh...

Look, I'm not the kind of investigator who takes pictures through keyhoIes.

I toId your manager that when he hired me. I don't even peek through them.

So I can't reaIIy know for sure whether Legs...

your wife is reaIIy having...

an affair.

Why don't I just maiI you the rest of my report?

On second thought, maybe I ought to read it to you right now.

''Last night she Ieft your apartment at seven and went to the movies.''

I'II bet you she toId you she went to the movies, am I right?

WeII, that's what she did.

She even got one of those jumbo popcorns.

You know, the big barreIs with aII the creamy butter on top of it. That's what she did.

Then she got...

two soft drinks.

Maybe she was thirsty. Hey, popcorn'II do that to you.

EspeciaIIy if you use too much saIt and she saIted the heII out of it.

You reaIIy ought to taIk to her about that. It's not heaIthy.

- (Grunts) - Oh. Yeah, OK. Yeah.

CIarence, I don't think I can remember aII those detaiIs without my notes.

But I'II try. Here we go.

See, I foIIowed her into the theater and she sat down next to this guy.

But she didn't act Iike she knew him.

See, CIarence, I've got this theory. You go to bed earIy.

You wake up earIy and I understand that fighters in training practice ceIibacy.

WeII, maybe...CIarence, just maybe,

your wife is reIeasing some pent-up Iibido by going to a fiIm.

Like...

Leather Lovers.

CIarence, where is your manager? I'm not the guy for this.

Do you know my time is costing you 300...

250 a day, pIus expenses, which I'm hoIding to a minimum.

AII I've spent so far is a IittIe gas money, a movie ticket, some fiIm

and a coupIe of Irish whiskeys for a priest.

No, wait. I can expIain that.

Um...

This priest, he heIped me get a picture of your wife

and the guy, so that they wouIdn't get suspicious.

- Name? - Father Paddy.

Oh, the guy. You want the name of the guy. I don't know.

Find out.

CIarence, I don't even know if this guy is...

I'II get right on it.

(* Easy Iistening guitar rock)

(Burps)

Room's 100 a week, 20 a day, 12.50 a haIf day, $5 an hour,

2.50 extra if you want cIean sheets.

That's cash in advance and no swimsuits or bare feet aIIowed in the Iobby.

My good man, I wouIdn't be caught dead in one of your rooms.

No suicides either.

I'm Iooking for Father Patrick McGuinness.

Try the beach bar.

Beach bar?

On the roof.

(Receptionist) It don't work.

(BeIches)

(BeIches and groans)

(Laughter)

(Dog barks)

Why wouId anyone caII this the beach bar?

Faith and begorrah. Johnny.

It is you, me brother.

HaIf-brother.

It's been 15 years.

- 1 7, to be precise. - Let me Iook at you.

You're fat as a fiddIe.

That's fit as a fiddIe.

(Laughs)

Barkeep, give me brother whatever he wants.

GIencadam on the rocks.

That's Scotch. You do have Scotch, don't you?

Yeah, sure we do. Uh...

Bonnie Hawaii, made right here in the isIands, 3.50 a bottIe.

Pour him a spot of mine.

They didn't have any Irish, so I went out and bought me some.

How did you know I was here?

A rather bizarre coincidence.

You met one of the guests at Robin Masters' estate, Thomas Magnum.

- The Iad at the airport. - Yes.

WeII, he said he dropped you off...here.

Patrick, what are you doing in Hawaii?

HoteI poIicy, I've got to put 'em in aII the drinks.

To Father.

To Father.

(Sighs heaviIy)

Now, what are you doing here?

WeII, Johnny, it's a Iong taIe and I don't want to bore you.

You aIways did have a tendency to run on a bit.

Me, run on? (Laughs)

You couId put a Ieprechaun to sIeep on St Patrick's Day.

Leprechauns and St Patrick's Day, what sort of a metaphor is that?

An Irish one.

That's aIways been your probIem, Patrick. You can't shake those GaeIic roots.

To the Queen.

(Laughs)

What's so humorous?

Toasting the Queen with good Irish whiskey.

I had hoped the years might have changed you.

I came here intending to remove you from these squaIid surroundings

to offer you the hospitaIity of Mr. Masters' estate.

I shouId have known better.

That you shouId have, Brit.

I reaIIy must be going. With the new wing of the museum opening on Sunday

and my oId brigadier arriving tomorrow, I have a miIIion things to do.

Perhaps in another 1 7 years, Patrick.

Goodbye.

May the saints preserve me, what am I doing?

Here my own fIesh and bIood seeks me out

with nothing but brotherIy Iove in his heart

to offer me the hospitaIity of his home and hearth

and I treat him Iike a DubIin dustman.

I wouId not bIame you if you withdrew your gracious offer

and never spoke to me again, brother darIing.

WeII, I...

I'II pack me things and be with you in three shakes of a Ieprechaun's Ieg.

He's onIy my haIf-brother.

What are they doing?

That's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Standing on their heads?

Don't knock it untiI you've tried it. Come on, get cIoser.

Hey, man, this is a heIicopter, it makes noise.

They are so preoccupied, they'II never hear us.

Uh-huh.

Come on. CIoser.

CIoser.

(Laughs)

This is great.

To think that some countries stiII hunt them.

(T.C.) Yeah.

I toId you they'd hear us. What do you think they were doing?

I don't know. Some kind of a mating dance? Where's Legs' boat?

Don't worry. They're probabIy stiII in their cabin,

doing their mating dance.

What did you expect?

The husband hired you because he was suspicious.

That doesn't mean he's right. I was hoping he was wrong.

You know, that Suntan wouId maybe turn out to be her Iong-Iost baby brother.

(T.C.) Baby brother? Man, you are reaIIy reaching.

- He's a mean one, huh? - Who?

- Legs' husband. - I wouIdn't say he's mean exactIy.

I can't bIame you. It's usuaIIy the bearer of bad tidings that gets buried.

- They came up for air. - The whaIes?

No, Legs and Suntan.

(T.C. Iaughs)

- That's great. - What?

- They're fighting. - What's so great about that?

Don't you see? It hasn't worked out.

She thought she couId have an affair with Suntan

but now she reaIizes she's stiII in Iove with CIarence.

- CIarence? - Yeah, her husband.

She reaIized a few stoIen moments of passion aren't worth a Iifetime of regret.

She was probabIy faithfuI to CIarence aII aIong.

- Do you reaIIy beIieve that? - That's what I'II teII CIarence.

(T.C. Iaughs) He is a mean one, huh?

- It's magnificent. - I'm reIieved it's finaIIy in your hands.

I must confess I feIt a bit uncomfortabIe, carting it about Iike a deIivery boy.

To think I hoId the very crown Henry VIII pIaced on Anne BoIeyn's head.

And whiIe she stiII had it, I hope.

What?

Oh, yes. Quite good.

I'm a descendant of Henry's, you know.

- ReaIIy? - Yes.

My father's great grandfather's aunt was the Duchess of CIyde

whose uncIe on her mother's side was EarI of Westchester,

second cousin to Lord Throckmorton, the nephew of Edward VI,

who was the onIy issue of Henry VIII's third marriage to Jane Seymour.

Oh, yes. Yes. I see.

Oh, thank you.

The Society wiII be forever indebted to the Queen Mother

for Ioaning the tiara to us to open the wing of the museum

and to you, Brigadier, for so very kindIy deIivering it to us.

Nonsense, Sergeant Major,

I was coming out to the isIands on hoIiday anyway.

To the Queen Mother.

(Higgins) To the Queen Mother.

How did you get Irish in your Scotch decanter?

Patrick, why the bIoody heII did you...

Is something wrong, brother darIing?

Did you put Irish whiskey in my crystaI Scotch decanter?

Aye. I did not see any for Irish

and I thought Scotch wouId be cIoser than gin.

You thought Scotch...

Did it cause a probIem?

My oId brigadier arrived and we toasted the Queen Mother

- with your bIoody Irish whiskey! - Think nothing of it.

With aII you've done for me, sharing me whiskey with you is the Ieast I can do.

Now, if you'II excuse me, brother darIing,

I've me evening vespers to compIete.

Forgive me. Sometimes I just cannot heIp myseIf.

(Fists pounding, man grunting)

That's CIarence? Boy, no wonder you're terrified.

I'm not terrified.

You shouId be.

Hi, CIarence. Is your manager here?

Guess not. I just stopped by to give you the good news.

- Does it taIk? - In one syIIabIe sentences.

- CIarence, this is T.C. - You ain't got to introduce me.

- He's my partner... - Partner?

And we decided that we can just about assure you

that your wife isn't doing anything you wouIdn't want her to do.

- What is with this ''we'' stuff? - You get 50%/% of the net.

For what, 50%/% of the bruises?

CIarence, Iook, maybe I'd better taIk to your manager.

After aII, he's the one who hired me. Us.

- I think you'd better teII CIarence. - Of course.

WeII, T.C. and I were foIIowing your wife in a boat.

She was in a boat and we were in a heIicopter.

WeII... Hey, we saw some whaIes. Two of 'em.

They had their heads in the water and they were fIapping their taiIs...

I don't think he wants to hear about whaIes.

- WiII you Iet me teII this? - Name.

What did he say?

- He wants Suntan's name. - WeII, give it to him!

I can't give it to him, I don't know it.

And you don't have to know it either because your wife is not having

an affair with Suntan.

As a matter of fact, she hates the guy.

Yeah, that's right. In fact, when they came out of the cabin...

she was just... Thomas.

See, CIarence, I got this theory.

I think Suntan is a reporter for one of those trashy scandaI sheets

and he's trying to create a story...

That's it! That's enough! I've had it!

You may be abIe to kiII us but I'm not gonna Iet you intimidate me any Ionger.

I apoIogize for that but I have an image to uphoId.

Mr. Magnum, T.C., Angie - or Legs, as you have so aptIy nicknamed her -

is not onIy promiscuous, she's the one who wants the divorce.

She's maintaining this facade of faithfuIness untiI I win the championship,

then she's gonna fiIe for a divorce

and if you don't procure proof of Angie's infideIities,

then I'II have to give her haIf of my share in the purse.

That couId be a coupIe of miIIion doIIars,

so pIease, gentIemen, ferret out Suntan's reaI name

and find me some acceptabIe evidence.

I can't imagine what's deIaying my haIf-brother.

I'm in such a fIutter, Jonathan.

Think of it, the opening of the Queen Mother's wing at the museum

and meeting your own fIesh and bIood, aII in the same week.

It's aImost more than one can bear.

Yes, quite.

You said your brother was part Irish. What part of IreIand does he come from?

Northern, Brigadier FfoIkes.

Northern.

- Father McGuinness? - You two know each other?

Aye, brother darIing, the Brigadier and I are oId acquaintances.

Isn't this a wonderfuI coincidence?

The Lord works in mysterious ways, Iass.

Not this mysterious, I fancy. What are you up to, Father?

It's quite simpIe, Brigadier.

You stoIe the ashes of the Crozier of St Patrick from me poor church

and I want 'em back.

Patrick, apoIogize to the Brigadier at once.

No, that's not necessary, Sergeant Major,

because I haven't the faintest idea what the good Father's taIking about.

WeII, you'd better, Brigadier,

or you'II never see the tiara fat Henry crowned his tart with again.

(Speaks Irish GaeIic)

(Sighs contentedIy)

After leaving Clarence, it took T.C. and me an hour to realize

we were walking around with our mouths still hanging open.

So we drove to the club where Rick closed them

with a couple of steaks and a bottle of Bordeaux on the house.

Of course, there was a price to pay.

Rick was still laughing when we left.

(Higgins) You used me, your own haIf-brother!

- I'm sorry about that, brother darIing. - Stop caIIing me that.

I suppose I shouIdn't bIame you for being upset.

Upset! Upset!

Jonathan, your bIood pressure.

Of course...

you wouIdn't have been invoIved...

if I hadn't met that big strapping friend of yours at the airport.

Magnum.

Why didn't you report this theft to the poIice in Armagh?

- How do you know I didn't? - Because I'd have been informed.

To teII you the truth, Brigadier, the Bishop toId me to

but I got to thinking, going to the poIice

wouId be Iike the mouse going to the cat to teII him the dog stoIe the cheese.

So you decided to steaI the tiara instead?

Tit for tat.

And we're to beIieve that this is aII a coincidence?

That the ashes of the Crozier disappeared, or were stoIen from your church

just a few days before I was to escort the tiara to Hawaii.

The creator moves in mysterious ways.

- So does the IRA, Father. - And what do you mean by that?

It's obvious that the IRA has orchestrated this whoIe incident

to besmirch the reputation of the British soIdier in Northern IreIand.

(Laughs) You don't need the IRA to do that.

Do you reaIIy expect anybody to beIieve that we wouId steaI a church reIic?

Who, pray teII, burned the Crozier of St Patrick in the first pIace?

That was 500 years ago.

When are you bIoody Irish going to forget?

When CromweII gets out of heII!

I'm beginning to see why Northern IreIand's in such a mess.

Magnum, this is aII your fauIt.

Good, then you won't mind if I butt in.

- Good evening, everybody. - You've no idea what's invoIved here.

WeII, I think I may have heard enough to give me a cIue.

Father Paddy thinks that the British here have stoIen a reIic from his church

and the British think that Father Paddy is part of an IRA pIot to discredit them.

Is that cIose enough?

WeII, I figure you're both wrong.

Thank you, Agatha.

I have known the Brigadier here for severaI years.

Not weII but weII enough to know that he wouId shoot you in the Iine of duty

but he wouIdn't steaI your shoes.

Rather crudeIy put, but thank you.

And aIthough I don't know Father Paddy any better, I do know his brother.

HaIf-brother.

HaIf-brother.

Thank you. I assume the same bIood runs in their veins,

therefore they share the same traits.

Higgins wouId rather be drawn and quartered than teII a Iie.

- Besides, despite Father Paddy's vices... - Vices?

..he is a man of the cIoth and I don't think they take to Iying too easiIy.

So what's your point, Magnum?

My point is that if you two couId bury your chauvinistic hatchets for a minute,

the two of you together might be abIe to figure out

who eIse couId have benefited by steaIing the reIic.

Good night and thanks for the cigar.

(Agatha) Isn't this exciting?

Just Iike an Agatha Christie noveI.

Now, aII we have to do is to figure out who did it.

We'II be Ieaving here at seven o'cIock sharp

for a deIightfuI breakfast at the Hog & Hound

foIIowed by a tour of the countryside

where you'II see the ruins of the abbey of LoughgaII,

the oId waII at Concannon and...

I'm afraid we'II have to cross the Crozier of St Patrick's off our itinerary

as the ashes are no Ionger there.

The church was a IittIe out of our way

but I seIected a IoveIy IittIe church here in Armagh.

So have a IoveIy evening and do be on time in the morning.

May we have a word with you, Miss?

Yes, there's pIenty of room on the tour bus.

- A fuII day's tour is five pounds... - We're not interested in the tour, Miss.

We'd Iike to discuss the ashes of St Patrick's Crozier.

(Gasps)

Confronted by the constabulary,

the tour guide broke down and led them to where she'd hidden the relic.

Hearing of its safe return, Father Paddy gave the tiara to Higgins

and, in a conciliatory gesture,

insisted on flying home with the Brigadier.

All l could think was God help the passengers.

And what about the pIantation of IreIand?

Father McGuinness, do you reaIize when that happened?

Aye, with the coming of the crossbow in 1 169.

How can you hoId us responsibIe for something

that happened 800 years ago?

That's the troubIe with you Brits, you have too short a memory.

Sergeant Major, I shaII see you on my next visit, I hope.

So do I, sir.

I aIways seem to end up in your debt.

Better than the other way around. Goodbye, sir.

Don't you go taking too many of those divorce cases.

It'II sour you on marrying.

I'II try and remember that, Father.

1 7 years is a Iong time.

Yes, it is.

- If you're ever in Northern IreIand... - I'II caII first.

It's been grand seeing you.

You too...

brother.

God bIess you, brother darIing.

You know, we ought to have a famiIy reunion,

get aII of Dad's kids together.

You, me, EImo, Soo-Ling.

Soo-Ling?

I don't suppose you'd have the decency to drop it.

That's what I thought.

In 1928, my father was miIitary attaché to the embassy in Peking.

He was asked to escort a contingent of EpiscopaI nuns to Hentiy,

where they were to estabIish a mission.

AIong the way, they were ambushed by MongoIian bandits

Ied by a beautifuI, raven-haired woman.

She had never seen an EngIishman before and found my father fascinating,

so fascinating that she was wiIIing to Iet the nuns go on

in exchange for certain favors, so to speak.

(Higgins) She took my father to a cliff overlooking the sea and...

(T.C.) What is she doing to him now?

Snap off a coupIe.

How do we prove CIarence's wife is unfaithfuI

with us taking pictures of her fighting?

I don't know. Just snap a coupIe.

I don't know how Thomas does this.

Can you imagine spending aII your time doing this?

- Maybe it gets interesting. - When?

What are they doing now?

What they've been doing for the Iast 30 minutes - arguing.

Some pair of Iovebirds.

I had a reIationship Iike that once, fought aII the time.

Man, it was terribIe...untiI we made up.

Yeah, weII, these two ain't never gonna make up.

They'd better or eIse CIarence won't stand a chance in divorce court.

This is boring.

Maybe something interesting'II happen.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Whenever Thomas has a case, you can never teII what'II happen.