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I-yet!

Tahh!

He tried to turn me into sashimi!

A rare Japanese porceIain pIate has been stoIen.

- Why is he wearing that outfit? - Tozan is a samurai warrior.

- In your own way, you're a samurai too. - What are we samurai gonna do tonight?

Do you know those Yakuza guys cut off their own finger if they screw up?

Yeah, right!

(BeII toIIing sIowIy)

Je-cha-at!

Chet!

Aargh!

Ahh! Cha!

Chet!

Ah-ah!

Cha!

Argh.

Ahh!

(Coughs)

Higgins! I'm gonna...

Before you utter any epithets you may regret,

Iet me just say you have shown a fIagrant disregard for your word.

Does honor have any meaning for you at aII?

Yes! But what's that have to do with you spraying that stuff in my face?

- Dog repeIIent. - Dog repeIIent?

I was just giving you a taste of what you've been giving the Iads.

No wonder they detest you so.

I thought you'd gotten rid of this substance. You gave me your word.

- I did? - You did.

- How do you know the stuff is mine? - Because I found it on your manteI.

A-ha! You vioIated my privacy!

I was retrieving Mr. Masters' wide-angIe Iens

which you borrowed three weeks ago and negIected to return.

That doesn't give you the right to remove my possessions.

I consider this contraband and therefore subject to confiscation.

As Iong as there are dogs threatening my Iife, Iiberty and the pursuit of happiness,

I wiII... No, I must, I must protect myseIf!

It is my constitutionaI right!

Very weII. I wiII inform Mr. Masters that you feeI within your constitutionaI rights

to use dog repeIIent on the Iads.

Hey, hey, hey...

No sense bothering Robin with a IittIe househoId probIem.

Sorry, Magnum, it isn't a IittIe househoId probIem to me,

nor do I beIieve it wiII be to Mr. Masters.

(Sighs) OK. OK, Higgins, what is it you want?

A rare Japanese porceIain pIate, a Kenzan originaI,

was to have been deIivered six hours ago

by a speciaI courier named Tozan.

He is registered at the KaIani HoteI.

If you wiII find out what has happened, I wiII not inform Mr. Masters

of the presence of dog repeIIent in your room.

You know something, Higgins, you make Iiving here a reaI chaIIenge.

Thank you.

Magnum, you must recover the Kenzan immediateIy.

Mr. Masters pIans to give it to a HonoIuIu museum for an unveiIing three days hence.

- Sounds expensive. How much is it worth? - A haIf-miIIion wouIdn't touch it.

- A haIf-miIIion doIIars? - Pounds.

It's the finest exampIe of porceIain from the Edo Tokugawa period.

Kenzan was one of the finest artists the worId has ever known.

- A Japanese Picasso. - You think this Tarzan guy skipped with it?

Tozan has impeccabIe credentiaIs. His ethics are beyond reproach.

Yeah? WeII, a guy can ignore a Iot of ethics for haIf a miIIion.

- How much is that American? - ApproximateIy $867,500.

He skipped.

Magnum, for reasons which are weII beyond your grasp,

it wouId never, I repeat never, occur to Tozan to skip.

- Why not, Higgins? - Because Tozan is a samurai warrior.

Mm.

Mm-hm-hm-hm.

Samurai or not, it was obvious the courier had skipped with the plate.

l had as much chance of finding him at his hotel

as the Chicago Cubs do of winning a pennant.

Nevertheless, working rule number 23 of my yet-to-be-written handbook

on how to be a private investigator dictates that you must go through the motions.

You never know, you could get lucky.

Of course, so could the Cubs.

Yes, sir, Mr. Tozan is registered in 2127.

- He is? - Yes, sir. He said he's expecting you.

Thank you.

Working rule number 35 stipulates.: always enter strange hotel rooms with caution,

especially strange hotel rooms with samurai warriors in them.

Of course, the last samurai l saw was in a Toshirô Mifune movie.

I-yet!

- Ah! - Tahh!

You wouIdn't wanna put that down for a minute?

(Sighs)

Ah!

- I beIieve you two have aIready met. - Met? He tried to turn me into sashimi!

- Don't move. - Don't worry.

- Ah. - (Neck cracks)

- Does it feeI better? - Oh, yeah. A IittIe to the Ieft.

This guy aImost kiIIed me. Now he's making Iike FIorence NightingaIe. Why? No offense.

- Perhaps an expIanation is in order. - No ''perhaps'' about it, Higgins.

Ah! Ooh!

- A IittIe to the right. - Tozan says the pIate has been stoIen.

Since he is a stranger in Hawaii, he needs our heIp to recover it.

But as the courier, naturaIIy he is suspect,

so, in order to prove his innocence,

he pIaced you at his mercy and then spared your Iife.

Great. CouIdn't he try a simpIe expIanation?

Words are Iike dried Ieaves that have not yet faIIen.

- What? - Tozan's point is weII taken.

If Tozan wiII permit me to paraphrase.

One deed is worth a thousand expIanations.

Quite Zen.

Quite.

How was the pIate stoIen?

As I toId Higgins-san, I took the Kenzan to the tempIe for bIessing.

There I was attacked by ninja and the pIate was stoIen.

Ninja?

In Hawaii? In the 20th century?

- Most curious, no? - Oh, yeah, sure!

Why not? The whoIe thing is perfectIy cIear to me!

You beat me up to get my confidence and then teII me about a bunch of guys

in bIack robes who went out of styIe with Commodore Perry and Madam ButterfIy!

Perhaps you hit him too hard.

(Phone rings)

Yes?

Yes, he's here.

Tozan.

Tozan caIIed Mr. Fukuda, the man who soId the pIate to Robin Masters.

- That's him caIIing back from Japan. - Oh, sure, right!

- Oh, my God! - Perhaps you'd better sit down again.

Why is he wearing that outfit?

- I've toId you. - Oh, yes, I know, I forgot, he's a samurai.

(Higgins) An Ichinaga samurai.

They're worId-renowned.

I find it impossibIe to beIieve that one wouId break his code of honor.

- You reaIIy beIieve him. - As a gentIeman, I have no choice.

Our cuItures differ, but we're of the same moId.

Tozan knows no other road but the truth.

(Speaks Japanese)

Oh, my God.

- What? - I was afraid of that.

What? Afraid of what?

Tozan's assured Mr. Fukuda he wiII recover the Kenzan before the museum opening.

That's a bit optimistic, don't you think? UnIess he aIready has it.

This shouId put your skepticism to rest.

As it's a matter of honor, if Tozan is unabIe to recover the pIate before the opening,

he wiII be obIiged to commit Seppuku.

RituaI suicide.

For a guy who was contemplating bumping himself off,

Tozan didn't look particularly worried.

OK, he's just being Zen.

What l couldn't understand is what's the sense of trying to stay in shape

if you're planning on shedding some pounds the quick way?

Magnum, I've just had the disagreeabIe task

of informing Mr. Masters that the Kenzan has been stoIen.

NeedIess to say, he was quite disturbed. I assured him that we wouId recover it.

- We? - Of course.

You mean ''we'' meaning me. Why don't ''we'' meaning you just caII the poIice?

We discussed that. I convinced Mr. Masters we shouId temporariIy deIay informing them.

Oh, great. Just great. I can't wait to hear why.

What, give Tozan time to sharpen his swords?

Your insensitivity knows no bounds. ObviousIy Tozan wouId be a prime suspect.

Precious time wouId be wasted in questioning him. Time which...

By ''we'' meaning me chasing down six ninjas?

Who aren't ninjas cos there's no such thing as ninjas anymore, or samurai!

Besides, these ninjas who aren't ninjas couId be anywhere!

MostIy IikeIy somewhere in the back forty of that guy's pigtaiI.

- CaII the poIice. - You have three days.

Even if I go out Iooking for that pIate, there's no guarantee I can find it.

You don't think he'II reaIIy commit seppuki?

Seppuku.

Magnum, Tozan is a modern-day samurai.

I assure you he wiII carry out his promise. You see, he cannot do otherwise.

His Iife is in your hands.

My hands? What happened to our hands?

I suggest you get cracking.

- Ready to get cracking? - You speak in riddIes, Magnum-san.

- So do you. - Ah, I see.

- What? See what? - Can you not see what is before you?

What I see before me is a guy who seems totaIIy unconcerned

at the prospect of kiIIing himseIf over the Ioss of a pIate.

How do you expect me to take your story seriousIy? You're so caIm and reIaxed.

- Is it not a beautifuI afternoon? - It's great, but that's not the point.

Ah.

- Ah? ''Ah'' what? - I am a samurai, Magnum-san.

I Iive by a code. It gives meaning to Iife.

Just as you may drive your car faster than necessary

to give your journey added meaning, danger perhaps.

But this is Iife and death.

Ah, you understand.

We wiII get cracking, Magnum-san.

Ah.

(Rick) Sorry, Thomas, but this ninja stuff is a bit out of my Iine.

(T.C.) Yes, why don't we forget the ninja,

bypass them aItogether and go straight to Shogun?

- Come on, guys! - Where did you get this crackpot?

I didn't get him. Higgins did.

Look, his name is Tozan and he's a samurai.

WeII, he thinks he's a samurai.

He tried to deIiver this pIate to Higgins that was worth haIf a miIIion pounds.

And these ninja, they stoIe the pIate from him at this tempIe.

(Both Iaugh)

Come on, guys, just cut it out, wiII you? He's putting his Iife on the Iine for this.

WeII, you know those samurai, they'II puII the pIug at the drop of a kimono! Oops!

(Both Iaugh harder)

(Rick) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Thomas,

but this is just too far-fetched.

- What's the gag? - There is no gag. I need your heIp.

- OK, say we beIieve you... - No, no, no.

Say we beIieve you, what's in it for us?

WeII, I'm sure Robin Masters wiII reward you generousIy.

- Oh, there's this guy Fukuda... - (Rick and T.C. Iaugh)

You see, he soId the pIate to Robin and I bet you he'II throw in some bucks, too.

(Rick Iaughs) Oh, sure, he wiII. Sure!

AII right, aII right, come on, come on. What do we gotta do to get it?

Shave our heads and go undercover?

Come on, guys, cut it out.

AII you gotta do is check your Yakuza contacts, Iike I said.

- We gotta find out who hired these ninja... - (T.C. Iaughs)

..and how they knew about Tozan and the pIate. Come on!

Come on, wiII you heIp me? PIease?

- No. - No.

- (Magnum) That was very impressive. - It was IogicaI. Now they understand.

I think I'm beginning to understand too. So what next? The tempIe?

That is not IogicaI, Magnum-san.

The ninja are Iong gone.

Oh, yeah, of course. So the airport? HoteI?

There is nothing to be found out that my enemies do not aIready know

and have aIready taken advantage of.

- There is nothing eIse to do. - Of course there is, Tozan.

One cannot push for answers, Magnum-san.

One must wait and find pIeasure in the waiting.

Tozan, cIues...do not just come to you.

You gotta go out and dig, you gotta foIIow Ieads, taIk to peopIe.

Aren't your friends, T.C. and Rick, now doing this important job?

Sure, but we can't just sit around and wait. We gotta do something.

Don't worry, Magnum-san, progress is being made.

SureIy you must understand

for, in your own way, you are a samurai too.

- I am? - You are more a samurai than you think.

WeII...

(ChuckIes)

what are we samurai gonna do tonight -

sit around and wait for cIues to drop in our Iaps?

Yes, tonight we wiII Iearn the Iesson of the arrow that is not aimed.

Hi, guys.

Tozan... I don't know about this.

Sit.

You know, maybe I oughta check and see how Rick and T.C. are doing.

You know, I stiII think we oughta be out chasing down Ieads.

I mean, that's what private investigators do.

They chase down Ieads...and stuff.

(Both giggIe)

- (Magnum Iaughs nervousIy) - (GirIs Iaugh)

This is great. It's very reIaxing.

- Man, I do not Iike this. - Come on, T.C., it'II be a piece of cake.

I'II be the big operator from the mainIand. You'II be my muscIe.

How come I can't be the big operator from the mainIand and you be my... Never mind.

- You're getting nervous in your oId age. - I got enough sense to be nervous.

Do you know those Yakuza guys cut off their own finger if they screw up?

Imagine what they'II do to us if they don't beIieve your crazy story.

What's not to beIieve?

(Man) l find this very hard to believe.

In fact, I find it extremeIy improbabIe.

AII we want is some information.

Mori Miyashiro said you owed him a favor. He owes me a favor.

He's passing the favor on to me.

- In other words, I owe you a favor? - Right.

WeII, kinda.

Wait here untiI I check this out with Miyashiro.

Wait a minute. Finding Mori's about as hard as finding Anthony Quinn.

It couId take hours. It took me hours to find him.

- We'II just give you a jingIe in the morning... - Yeah, right...

You'II wait here if it takes aII night.

- AII night? - AII night.

I wanna kiII him. Wherever he is, I am going to kiII him.

You were saying something about the Iesson of the arrow that is not aimed.

It is an oId discipIine practiced by the Ichinaga samurai.

The bow is puIIed, the archer has no thought of his aim,

the arrow,

his game, or even of himseIf.

AII is one. AII is emptiness.

Yet the arrow aIways finds its target.

When we were pIaying footbaII, we caIIed it being in the groove.

Everything just...worked.

The pass, the pattern, the bIocking,

and boom - touchdown.

Ah, you do understand.

It's Iike the universe in a smaII, quiet pond.

Each movement contains everything.

Even so simpIe a thing as serving tea becomes a prayer.

Wonder how Rick and T.C...?

No, I'm sure they're doing just fine.

Thank you, SheiIa. Tea?

No, thanks.

- How Iong are you gonna keep us here? - TiII I hear from Miyashiro.

What happens if you don't hear from him?

Don't ask.

(PIays koto)

Excuse me, Magnum-san,

but sake is most powerfuI if one is not used to it.

Don't worry, Tozan-san...

I have had sake before.

Magnum-san, wiII you do me the honor of being my kaishaku?

- Your what? - I don't know the EngIish word for it.

It's Iike a coIIeague, a partner, a friend.

Ah!

In that case, I wouId be happy to be your kai... whatever you caII it.

Kaishaku.

Now my mind is at peace.

L'chaim.

(Note rings out)

(Note rings out)

(Note rings out)

(Mouths)

(BeII cIangs IoudIy)

After Tozan's nimble fingers, the hammer in my head was only pounding half as hard

and l was at least able to communicate coherently.

At least, l thought l was coherent.

- First time in Hawaii? - No, I was here once before during the war.

During the war? When?

1941 .

What progress have you made?

We've been checking some sources, running down some Ieads.

You don't have any idea where the Kenzan is, do you?

- No. - Tozan has faiIed.

No. He was attacked by six thieves. What couId he do?

- He has sworn to protect it with his Iife. - But he was Maced.

Tozan, wouId you expIain to him what happened, pIease?

There is nothing to say. Fukuda-san is right.

Mr. Fukuda... do you know what he's pIanning to do?

Of course. And the Ionger he deIays, the more his honor suffers.

You're both nuts! You're teIIing him to kiII himseIf over a pIate!

I teII Tozan nothing. His code teIIs him everything.

Thank you for reminding me of my honor. I wiII arrange for my Seppuku immediateIy.

- (Higgins) Sunrise? - That's what he said. Tomorrow.

- On Mr. Masters' property? - No, he said he'd go down to the beach.

I suppose there is pubIic access.

A man is taIking about kiIIing himseIf tomorrow

and you're worried about bIood on the bougainviIIeas?

Magnum, you astound me sometimes.

I abhor death, but I understand and respect Tozan's point of view.

We're just gonna have to taIk him out of his point of view, aren't we?

Maybe I can do it. I'm his kaishuka.

You're his what?

Oh...kaishaku. It's a kind of a partner. It's his bIood brother or something.

Magnum, a kaishaku is the equivaIent of a dueIIing second.

He wants you to assist him in his Seppuku.

ActuaIIy, you're honor-bound to do so.

- You're just trying to scare me. - No, I'm not.

After Tozan has disemboweIIed himseIf with his dirk,

you must use his sword to cut off his head

otherwise Tozan might risk Iosing face by crying out.

- WiII you reaIIy give the guy a chop? - No! What have you guys got?

The Yakuza said a Japanese objet d'art is avaiIabIe on the bIack market.

- The seIIer wants pIenty for it. - The Kenzan?

How many Japanese objets d'art have been stoIen?

- Who's got it? - A guy by the name of GaIIagher.

- He's got a souvenir shop on the docks. - He aIso does some fencing on the side.

Thanks, guys, I reaIIy appreciate this.

You oughta take better care of yourseIves. Your cIothes Iook Iike you sIept in 'em.

Tozan, Iisten to me. You said our job was to wait.

Something wouId come to us.

WeII, now it has and we've got a traiI to foIIow.

Tozan?

Look, now that we've got the cIue, we've got to foIIow it.

Our duty is to find the Kenzan.

You think you faiIed Fukuda.

Your reaI faiIure... wiII be if you don't heIp me now.

I wiII heIp you untiI sunrise, Magnum-san.

You can't put a time Iimit on your Iife.

Of course I can. Life is not infinite.

lf life itself wasn't infinite, neither were the leads we had to go on.

l was worried that Tozan's rather bizarre appearance

might jeopardize the give and take of information

between me and this Gallagher guy.

lt isn't every day you see a samurai on the waterfront.

Therefore, l decided honesty was the best policy.

Tozan, you'd better Iet me handIe this.

If those ninja are in there, they'II recognize you from the tempIe.

- You wiII need heIp. - WeII...if I need you, I'II just whistIe.

- WhistIe? - You have your history and I have mine.

(Door opens)

AIoha. Can I heIp ya?

Gee, I hope so. I'm interested in Japanese pottery.

SpecificaIIy 16th-century Kenzan porceIain.

- Who are you? - That's not important.

Let's just say I'm a coIIector.

Hey, Iook, I run a tourist junk factory. I don't know anything about Japanese pottery.

Gee, that's too bad because this piece I'm Iooking for is worth 800 grand.

Look, uh...maybe...

maybe I'II Iook around.

You never know, maybe somebody might have a handIe on it.

- Where can I get a hoId of you? - Don't take too Iong.

I'm Ieaving for the mainIand tomorrow. I'd hate to return without my...souvenir.

Not to worry. You'II hear from me.

Ay!

Who the heII is that?

- Oh, no. - I am Tozan, samurai of the Ichinaga.

I have come to cIaim the pIate which was stoIen from me by your ninja.

Tozan!

I don't know what scam you're puIIing, but I don't have to take this.

I wiII have it or your head!

Cha!

(Roars)

The pIate!

OK, OK. Just put the sword away.

Tozan, this way! Come on!

Ahh!

- Now we gotta do it the hard way. - Hard way?

Yes, the Zen of the high-speed chase.

(Men shouting)

I'II get him.

I'II get him.

I got him. I got...

CaII an ambuIance. You aII right, buddy? You aII right?

(Man) He was down there a Iong time. He's in bad shape.

Magnum, what are you doing?

- Higgins, it's a fake. - What?

A fake.

How do you know?

(CIock chimes five)

- Sunrise is... - 5.02.

Tozan!

Oh, my kaishaku. I have been waiting for you.

Tozan, it's a fake.

I thought you understood. You disappoint me.

Damn it, I'm not Iying.

Magnum has many fauIts but Iying is not one of them.

(Magnum) You see the grit?

- The Endo... - Edo.

The Edo Tokugawa period

was characterized by porceIain-work using cIay of the finest type, virtuaIIy devoid of grit.

Extraordinary.

Magnum, you never cease to amaze me.

How did you arrive at this astute concIusion with your Iimited knowIedge of art?

WouId you beIieve me if I said it came to me in a dream?

Yes, because your conscious mind isn't capabIe of such superior detective work.

Was there a moment when a switch couId have been made?

- It never Ieft my hands untiI the tempIe. - Then Fukuda gave you a fake.

- ImpossibIe. - Tozan, anything is possibIe.

(Higgins) Not in this case.

The Kenzan was authenticated by Mr. Masters' representative,

- just prior to Tozan taking possession. - Fukuda-san put it into my hands himseIf.

What was GaIIagher doing with such a weII-made fake?

OnIy GaIIagher can say and he can't share it with us.

- He's gonna have to share it with us. - How? He's in intensive care, unconscious.

- I'II figure that out when I get there. - Very Zen of you.

Come on, Tozan.

Tozan, if you're thinking about going back out on the beach to puII your own pIug,

- you're gonna have to do it without my heIp. - Magnum!

- You are angry, Magnum-san. Why? - I hate waste.

I've seen a Iifetime's worth of it...in Vietnam.

Ah.

To die a samurai is to give meaning to Iife,

but to die a fooI is mereIy to throw one's Iife away. I wiII not die a fooI.

- You puIIed me from the car. - That's right.

- Are you a cop? - Private investigator.

Investigators. This is my partner, Tozan.

Look, we need to know where you got the Kenzan.

Did you have it stoIen for yourseIf or were you just fencing?

Neither.

I made it.

You made it? It was nearIy a perfect forgery.

Thanks for the compIiment.

- How did you know it was a fake? - WeII, it got broken in the wreck.

The cIay had too much grit in it for it to be a reaI Kenzan.

(Laughs)

- I never figured it wouId get broken. - How did you do it?

About a month ago, a man came to me. He had the originaI.

He wanted eIeven copies. A bodyguard stood around the whoIe time.

He wouIdn't Iet the originaI out of his sight

and I had a hunch... so I made an extra copy for myseIf.

Then I got wind that the reaI one was stoIen.

So you thought you'd cash in?

I wish Iike heII I had minded my own business.

What did this man Iook Iike?

Uh...

He had a shaved head...and a moustache.

I'm not gonna take you to Fukuda, not just so you can kiII him,

any more than I was gonna be your shaikaku or whatever you caII it.

Tozan.

Tozan!

Tozan!

Ahh.

Look, I can understand how this wouId get to you. I don't Iike being Iied to either.

I am not angry. In a samurai, anger is a wasted emotion.

As one who hates waste, you can appreciate that. I do what must be done.

What about the arrow that is not aimed?

At time of rest caII for rest. At time of action caII for action.

Come off it, Tozan!

Avenging one's honor is just revenge under another name.

- If you ask me, revenge is more honest. - To you, perhaps.

Isn't recovering the pIate what's important? Isn't that your charge?

If you kiII Fukuda but Iose the pIate, haven't you stiII Iost your honor?

Thank you, kaishaku, for reminding me of my duty.

(Tires squeaIing)

HeIIo, Mr. Fukuda.

You have something that beIongs to Robin Masters. We're here to return it to him.

I don't have anything that beIongs to Mr. Masters,

- just cheap souvenirs of my trip to Hawaii. - You Iie.

- Tozan...? - Sit down, quick!

- What? - Down!

You know, Mr. Fukuda, one of these pIates...is the reaI Kenzan.

Which one is it?

I paid $5 apiece for those... and you can't prove otherwise.

UnIess you want to be charged with kidnapping, assauIt and theft,

I suggest you reIease me.

What are you doing?

I'm breaking cheap souvenirs...

for which I'II gIadIy pay you $5 apiece.

No!

Not that one, pIease!

Very good, Magnum-san. No waII between thought and deed.

Tozan, no!

There's a haiku that says, ''Though I thought of you as a gaIIant warrior,

''Did you gird your sword just to gather watercress in the Kaniha rice fieIds?''

(Laughs)

Very good, Magnum-san, very good, but why do you care so much for his Iife?

I don't.

I care for yours.

(T.C.) You risked busting a pIate worth a haIf-miIIion bucks?

Pounds, T.C. That's over $800,000.

That's even worse.

- What eIse couId I do? - You couId've caIIed the poIice.

Higgins, you toId me not to, remember?

Besides, as Tozan's kaishuka, I had no choice.

It's kaishaku. And everyone has a choice.

It's what separates us from the Iower animaIs.

On second thought...

What are you doing, Higgie baby, joining the samurai union?

Tozan donated this to the estate coIIection as an apoIogy for having Iost the pIate.

- Mr. Masters was pIeased when I toId him. - You toId Robin what happened?

Of course. He was gratefuI to Tozan for recovering the pIate.

Did you teII him my contribution?

No, but neither did I mention your fIagrant vioIation of estate ruIe.

What did you do, T. M., put bubbIe bath in the tidaI pooI?

This is the Iast can in the cIub.

(Rick) Hi, Higgins.

- Is that what I think it is? - Yes, it's air freshener.

- My Iocker smeIIs Iike oId gym shoes. - You don't buy new ones!

OnIy smeII that wouId get rid of is dog breath.

- I knew it. - No! I can expIain!

See, I've got this case. I gotta repossess a car on Kaneohe and the guy's got dogs.

Three dogs! You know what they say about samurai swords -

you unsheathe 'em, you gotta draw bIood!

I know!

Yahh! Aiieeee...

(Sword swishes)