Original subtitles

[Dick] Gotham City. Demons are rising up.

Criminals breathe in the shadows.

Blood paints the streets like graffiti.

My home needs Nightwing.

Uh, anyone want to switch seats?

[theme music playing]

Finally! Hey, next time we steal an invisible jet,

let's just, like, fly home before it explodes.

Hello, Alfred.

Looks like the prodigal son has returned... [grunts]

What up, Gotham City? You ready to lick off my toes?

Harley and Ivy are back!

That's how you wax poetic, you fucking dork.

-[Alfred] My word! -[Harley laughs]

-Hmm. -I'll grab a cab.

Mmm. Hoda Kotb, your pantry is beyond organized.

An oatmeal shelf. I am gagged!

My Meyer lemon tree is finally producing fruit.

You know, they're not like regular lemons.

It's that hint of sweetness that makes all the diff--

Hello, clayfaces and shark men!

[horn blaring]

[Frank] And me!

I got your cheap Hudson News-ass postcard from Paris.

I know you got this shit at the airport.

Oui, oui, motherfucker!

Oh, you're back! And creating all kinds of fun new holes in the wall.

Did you know Mr. Kool-Aid improved to that style of entry on the day?

Some talent you cannot teach.

Well, stealing classic commercial bits are only the beginning

because now that the crew's back together, we got mad plans, yo!

I knew you'd come back for a giant caper.

So what are we going to do?

Okay, Ivy came up with the most badass, most genius,

crazy, sexy, cool plan ever!

Well, I... I wouldn't go that far.

It is so awesome and fucked-up,

it would make Lex Luthor shit his pants!

That man does not shit his pants for anything.

Dear heavens, Harley, tell us what the plan is.

It's Ivy's plan. You gotta ask her.

I know you guys are used to me being in charge,

but this is all Ivy, her time to shine.

Hit it, Ivy.

Oh, yes.

I will hit it

'cause I'm the boss lady, if you will.

The big honcho, the top pepperoni. [chuckles]

[clears throat] You know what, guys?

We just walked in. I haven't even unpacked.

I smell like a bus. Can we just talk about the plan in a little bit?

You are gonna cream when you hear this plan. Huh.

And once again, our house is a home.

[suspenseful music playing]

Huh. Feels smaller.

Uh... Why does this suit have boobs?

If you want to keep that one, I have a spare in my locker.

This is my alcove, and you're not Batman.

He wishes, right?

He doesn't wish. I'm Batgirl.

And you're Dick Grayson. Last of the Flying Graysons, ward of Bruce Wayne,

the original Robin, Teen Titan, and now the protector of Bludhaven.

Nightwing!

Nightwing. Got it.

You were gone for a while.

We had to make some expansions stick.

Well, I see you've installed some new darkened corners, and it's Nightwing.

We're equals. Not Batman and Robin.

Got that right.

Ah, I thought you were four.

It's been eight years. That's how time works, dickwad.

What's with your voice?

What are you talking about?

It's a bit overly serious.

I think it's an appropriate amount of serious.

[alarm beeping]

Firefly's attacking the Gotham corn factory,

but he's going to see his plan go up in flames. To the Batmobile!

Shotgun.

Don't worry. You can ride with The Macaroni.

Who's The Macaroni?

Your chariot awaits.

Fuck The Macaroni.

[Poison Ivy clears throat] Good evening. Welcome.

Bienvenue.

Is this an MLM? 'Cause I'm in.

-The dictionary defines terraforming as... -[Harley] Ooh, ooh, me!

-Yes? -You're doing great. [smooches]

Thank you. So thousands of years ago, Gotham looked like this.

Before it became trash like this.

We're going to reanimate the dead plant matter underneath the city

and supercharge it to terraform Gotham into this.

-Well, I'm sold. -Harls, just hang on a second, I haven't said the actual plan.

I thought she was finished too.

Now, to terraform this city, I need to create the Eden Serum.

But to do that, I need a compound found only in prehistoric mosquitoes

that have been trapped in sap.

-Like in Jurassic Park! -Uh... Yeah. I mean, I don't... Sure.

-She's never even seen Jurassic Park! -[Poison Ivy] Guys...

What? You are missing out on 60% of my personality.

Why do you think I kept making Jeff Goldblum references?

The good news is that

our friends over at the Natural History Museum have such a mosquito.

Then let us heist!

I call the role of... [in female voice] Eleanor St. Cloud.

She's a widowed archaeologist fresh off her latest find, love.

Actually, if you go ahead and pick up your binders,

I've already assigned each of you a fantastic role.

"Lookout number two"?

The roles have been carefully chosen based on ability.

And this heist has been planned, dare I say, to perfection.

-What about hidden security cams? -It's in the binder.

-What about lasers? -Also in the binder.

What if one of the day guards picks up an extra shift

so he can finally propose to his high school squeeze?

He quit smoking ages ago, but carries around a cigarette for the smell.

-Nervous about the proposal... -[sighs deeply]

...he goes out for a whiff of the old confidence stick and spots us.

That's not in the binder because it's not going to happen.

Guys, I've thought of everything, okay?

I mean, look how sick this binder is.

That is leadership.

I know I wasn't invited on this adventure, but I do have n-zotes.

Not listening to you. Okay, so that's the plan.

[applauding] Great plan.

Sorry if this clap sounds sarcastic.

I sprained my hand playing table tennis.

What the hell are you doing here, Bane?

I am here for revenge!

I gave Amy and Kite Man a very expensive pasta maker for their wedding,

but they didn't get married!

[coughs] It's gauche to keep the gift.

Yeah, and it's double gauche to ask for it back, you dickstick.

And we don't even know where it is.

[burping]

I asked nicely, but next time I return, there will be no good manners.

All right, boss, time to steal a mosquito.

Okay, on three.

[all] One, two, three!

Shit! Sorry I didn't tell you what to say on three. I just counted.

Should we go again? No, let's just go.

[upbeat music playing]

All clear.

You know why I picked up this extra shift?

Because I need a little extra money.

I'm proposing to my high school sweetheart,

and I don't know why this is so nerve-wracking.

We're basically married.

I quit smoking a long time ago.

I just carry it around for the smell.

What, King Shark and his gang?

[alarm blaring]

Ah, shit on a pony, there shouldn't be guards here--

[Harley] Come on, let's go, let's go.

-Ive, what do we do? -Run!

[King Shark] Did she just ditch us?

Okay. Ivy is not leading our next thing.

Okay, look, I'm sure this is just part of the plan.

She's got it under control. Okay?

Was this in the binder?

Oh, good! You got the magic bug.

-What now, Ive? -Should we escape through the basement?

Or bust open the front door?

[all] Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!

Ah!

How is an Ivy plan even more of a disaster than a Harley plan?

It's a surprise to me too.

Okay. Successful heist, right?

-[all groan] -All right.

Yeah. It looks like it went great, boss.

Look, there's dead plant matter under this piece of concrete,

and when I apply the Eden Serum, it will reanimate the plant and enhance it.

Watch and learn.

[squeaks]

Ah, yes!

Oh-ho, success!

Oh, my gosh, this is...

-Oh, no! -[King Shark groans]

Aah!

Oh!

[screams]

Oh, that's terrifying!

Oh, my God.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

-[sizzles] -[screams]

[grunts]

I'm not going to repeat what that plant said, but he fucking hates you.

Knock, knock. I'mma coming in, so I'm gonna... [grunting]

[screams]

Hey, Ive, I can't find the opening to your flower.

[chuckles] Which is a first.

-[gasping] Hey! -I screwed it up.

I screwed up the Eden Serum formula.

What makes you think that?

There are too many cooks in the kitchen.

It will be way better if I can just work on this plan alone.

Yeah, no problem. I will tell King Shark and Clayface it is just gonna be us.

I will let them down easy.

I mean alone, Harley. Like, just me.

[gasps, sobs]

[Batgirl] Okay, what's the plan?

Batgirl, take out the goons.

Robin, get the sprinklers back online.

Nightwing...

Wait. Where's Nightwing?

Evening, gentlemen.

Didn't your mom ever tell you not to play with matches?

Well, maybe he doesn't have a mom

or wasn't raised in a traditional household.

You're making a lot of assumptions here.

It's the Bat Family. Get them.

Change of plans, I guess.

The plan was to be discreet.

I don't do discreet. [grunts]

Hey!

[grunts]

Firefly, twelve o'clock.

[Nightwing] I'm on it.

-[gasps] -Whoa...

[both grunting]

We need to do something about the team.

Yeah, I have notes for everyone.

-[groans] -We're still getting pizza after this, right?

Give me that.

Ugh, ugh!

I cannot believe that she doesn't want me.

I mean us, us!

If I've learned anything from my one day

on the set of the Thomas Wayne biopic,

everyone can be a star in their own role. Give her time.

I'm sure Ivy will inhabit the character of leader.

[Frank] Good luck with that.

I've known Ivy for 20 years and she didn't even let me be a part of the plant plan,

and I'm a goddamn plant. That's my thing.

[groaning] I wish there was some way to teach her how important teamwork is.

[man on TV] Are you looking for a fun team-building activity?

[yelps] That's exactly what I need.

Something to foster camaraderie.

Perhaps you need to foster group camaraderie.

It's at the top of my foster list above the kittens.

♪ If you want to have fun And do it as a team Then come on down ♪

♪ To Green Street ♪

I have an idea.

Is it the commercial we all just heard?

No, I am not a dumb sponge soaking up, spitting out whatever I hear on TV. Okay?

[automated beeping]

Uh, usually when a bomb beeps, it's a bad thing.

Because they're about to explo...

Eh.

-[alarm buzzes] -Your card's been declined.

Impossible. I use autopay.

I also went paperless to save the trees.

Declined. There's a hold for identity theft.

You'll have to talk to your bank.

This is outrageous!

I need to blow up a mall tonight.

Could you hold it for me?

If I do that for you, I gotta do it for everybody.

You're giving my explosives to freaking Calendar Man?

What's he going to blow up? Valentine's Day?

I hate this place.

I will take the full fury of my business elsewhere.

The ransom video said they're holding Harley in here.

Well, are you sure?

What the hell is this place? Huh?

A great way to take your mind off things and let those creative juices flow.

So, being kidnapped...

Was, on second thought, an over-the-top lie to get you here,

-which, by the way, took a lot of work. -And where is here?

An escape room! Oh, no!

Did we stumble upon the abandoned home of Professor Phineas T. Puzzler?

Eccentric inventor and noted recluse.

The only way out of this mysterious mansion

is to solve a series of clues, each more fiendish than the next.

You know, there's no way I'm going to do that.

Oh, it's just one hour, and I already forged your signature on the release, so, ha.

[scoffs]

Oh, great. Noobs.

It was half price if we didn't ask for a private group.

I'm Nelvin Eckles, escape room extraordinaire.

You don't follow me on social?

Yeah, I'm done.

I'm not spending an hour with this guy.

Wait. Is this thing real?

-Ahoy. -Riddler?

It's me, Professor Puzzler,

who's trapped in an escape room with minutes to spare.

A wrong answer would lead you to your mortal despair.

Fail to solve the puzzle, you'll be squashed like a bug.

Win and you'll get a group photo

and personalized mug, limited to 11 characters.

Huh! The ad did not mention this.

[glass shatters]

Guys, it's gonna be okay. We'll figure this out.

-Okay, we won't but Ivy will. -Ah, shit maggots.

I should be working on the Eden Serum right now. Ugh!

And you're gonna totally figure that out, right after you help us out of this jam

because there is no one--

Damn it, Harley! Please stop telling me how smart and what a great leader I am.

I don't want the responsibility. I don't. Not a good leader!

You've got to stop hitting things when you're mad.

It's ironic, I know, but...

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[both chuckle nervously] Huh?

-Okay, ID? -I'm Bane.

You know... Bane! Bane.

Okay, so we put a hold on your account

due to suspicious activity, and we can go through the charges.

So there's, like, $20 at Big Belly Burger at 8:00 a.m.

Yeah, I like that breakfast sandwich as much as the next guy.

Another $30 at Big Belly Burger at 9:00 a.m.

Well, perhaps it's more than the next guy.

Twenty-five cases of hard seltzer.

One hundred cals and cheaper in bulk.

There's nothing suspicious about these activities.

The wedding dress worn by Sarah Jessica Parker

in the Sex and the City movie, that was such a cash grab,

and you paid $50,000 for it. I'm sorry, what?

You can't put a price on a bespoke Vivienne Westwood.

It's a work of art!

I know I'm just, like, a simple bank teller or whatever,

but looking at your purchase history, I'm just like, are you depressed?

No... [hesitates]

I couldn't help but wonder.

Was the teller telling the truth?

Was I depressed?

Perhaps my identity had been stolen,

by myself.

-[clock beeping] -Mmm.

-So we're gonna die, aren't we? -Oh, yeah.

And it might be incredibly painful.

If you'd like, I can just eat you right now.

Just save you the trouble.

Piss cakes of a dick...

Let the game begin, my sad little pawns.

Your opponent awaits, a chess master of brawls.

Time's wasted in danger, will never abate.

So make haste and escape, with a nimble checkmate.

Gonna need you to step aside, ma'am.

Card-carrying Mensa member. JK, Mensa doesn't gift cards.

My incredible brain is my card.

I know this is terrifying, but I am so impressed

-with the production value. -Right?

So what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I heard the commercial and thought, "That's what we need..."

-Group camaraderie! -Yes!

Yes, that's why I brought us here.

We are so fricking smart.

I can't believe we got tricked into coming here by Riddler.

It was a catchy commercial.

It was so catchy.

Ha! Checkmate, bitches.

Whoo! [chuckles]

You're welcome.

Hey, Searching for Bobby Fuckstick, you just killed us.

You're right.

[moans] I'm so stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

And on IMDB, I'm actually listed as Clayface, Roman numeral four.

But I hope I'll reclaim numeral one when they update my credits

to include my role in the new Thomas Wayne movie.

What Thomas Wayne movie?

Great, great, great, great! I'm going to die with the eighth Robin.

I'm the first!

I thought I could cape crusade on my own, but I let Tarantula kill Blockbuster.

It was big news in Bludhaven. [groans]

If the Bat Family knew about it,

they'd know what a failure I was.

If it was big news, don't you think they'd already know about it?

I'm going to kill myself.

You do not have to do that. We're going to die in, like, three and a half minutes.

Not fast enough!

Hey, I want to get out of here, and I'm trying to form

a complete fucking thought before acting on it. Unlike you...

Yeah, well, the spikes ain't gonna wait for you to come up with something perfect.

You might as well come up here with me.

I should have never left Gotham in the first place.

I got restless and Batman pushed me.

Oh, my God, shut up!

He said, "Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be."

Later, I found out he was just quoting John Wooden,

which is so basic!

Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe we have to fail to succeed.

Riddler's shit about checkmate.

He didn't say it was us doing the checking, mate.

Ugh, yeah, I'm going to kill myself too.

Try jamming the gears. Stall.

Okay, Mensa boy, what's the quickest way to lose a chess match?

That's easy. It's called a fool's mate.

-It dates back to... -Ugh, just tell me what to move!

Okay, okay. Move your F pawn up one.

[grunts]

Okay, now move your G pawn up two.

[straining]

-I did it. -Oh, my God!

-We are not going to die. -Haven't they exploited that poor, rich Wayne family enough?

Every few years, there's another film depicting the Waynes' murder.

We get it. Crime alley.

The pearls, those pearls, their beautiful child

watches them fall, as life is extinguished

from his mother's eyes, so too is his innocence.

It's one thing for Bruce Wayne to talk about his trauma,

but for others to do it over and over again...

Yes, yes, go on. I can use all of this.

[rumbling]

-Oh, look, we did it. -Teamwork!

-Ive! -Harles.

Did my stupid, smart escape room idea work?

I mean, we still might die, but sure. I don't know how you did it,

setting me up to tackle my exact issue back there.

I mean, embracing failure to win.

How did you find this place?

I have no idea what you're talking about,

but no one expects you to be perfect.

We will always have your back,

-even if you screw up. -This is very touching,

and it will make an excellent Hallmark movie...

But we're going to die in three minutes!

No, we're not because I'm going to do everything I can to save us.

And who cares if it's not perfect?

-I am... -I just finished it.

-Thank God. -Oh, great.

Yeah, congrats. You got it. Fuck you!

Please exit to the right and leave the upper view

to collect your photo and mug. Eleven characters!

You've got this, Ive. We are all here for you.

You gave this to that knobby-kneed dandelion.

-This is too strong. -Okay, just hand me that.

If I fail, I fail.

And we'll try again tomorrow, right?

Yes!

You did it! Oh, you're such a smokeshow when you're planning.

Oh, something's wrong. Something's very wrong.

Whoa! [coughs]

[Poison Ivy] Not in a hot and sexy way.

Run, run!

Shit... It went down my throat!

[tires screeching]

At last! I shall have my revenge for the pasta maker.

Oh, oh, wow.

I... I feel nothing.

I couldn't help but wonder.

Did I need a therapist after all?

[grunting]

Is anyone hurt? Suffering from current traumatic stress disorder?

Oh, no. Frank didn't make it out.

Frank, are you...

Are you okay?

I am...

a God!

Do you have any fours?

Okay, let's try again.

Hi, I'm Nightwing.

I know. Last of the Flying Graysons, ward of Bruce Wayne, the original Robin.

[chuckles] No, no.

Nightwing, member of the Bat Family.

[Robin] You forgot "giant dickhead, "dickhead!

-[sighs] -It's Firefly.

He's attacking an orphanage.

Quick, Bat Family, to the Batmobile!

-Shotgun. -You can ride with me.

Thanks.

Maybe next time...

[yelps]

[theme music playing]