Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Harley] Last season on Harley Quinn,

my bestie Ivy was engaged to this lame-o,

but I was in love with her, too.

Joker got a second acid bath. I kicked Psycho's ass.

Hard passed Darkseid.

Saved Ivy from her own wedding and we drove off into the sunset.

What do you think we did next, hmm?

[woman giggling]

[women chuckling]

[woman moaning in pleasure]

[bed creaks]

Now let's shed those leaves.

[exaggerated moans] Uh, yeah, I'm Ivy, ooh, yea...

[Ivy] I don't even wear leaves.

Still, ya gotta respect the hustle.

I mean, they wrote, shot, and edited this in two weeks since Psycho blew up our spot.

Was that only two weeks ago? It feels like so much longer.

I know, right?

-[hologram whooshing] -The sign says "no girls allowed"

Superman's dead dad?

Harlivy? What are you doing here?

Ooh! Is that our official celeb couple name?

Ugh, I would have just gone with "Hivey".

I hadn't said it out loud before, it looks better in writing.

Now surrender, fugitives! Wait, are you watching a dirty movie?

This is the Fortress of Solitude!

L-O-L a "dirty movie"?

Uh, relax, we just dropped in to chill for a bit and eat all your chips

while Gordon's looking for us, okay?

Your big, dumb son says it's okay.

Oh, did he now?

Perhaps we should call him.

-You really don't have to do that. -Yeah, don't do that.

[hologram whooshing]

Ladies, your honeymoon is over.

Wrong again! It's just beginning!

C'mon, Hivey, let's bounce.

-[key beeps] -[explosion]

-[Harley laughs maniacally] -Come back here and face justice!

Wait, did you sign up for HBO Max?

I already used my free trial!

Shit, shit, shit, where'd we park? God!

-How does Wonder Woman keep track of this damn jet? -[distant beeping]

-[explosion] -Oh! It's right over there. Yay!

So, what do we do now?

Let the "Eat Bang Kill" tour begin.

-Come here. -[both kissing, moaning]

[jet whooshing]

[muffled screams]

To us, together at last.

Harley and Ivy take over the fucking world!

[pops]

[impact thuds]

-[man] Hello? Hello? -[Ivy chuckles]

-This is Commissioner Gordon. -[whispers] Oh, he's on! He's on! You, you!

[clears throat] This is the IRS calling, sir,

you have a $90,000 lien on your house.

How in the he-- is this about my ex-wife?

We're gonna need to confirm your identity. What's your credit card number again?

-Oh, life saver! So, any credit card? -Gimme, gimme, gimme!

The one with the highest limit.

Okay, let's see. You ready for the number? Four-six...

-Charge it to the room. -Missus and Missus Gordon.

[glasses clinking]

-[Harley laughing maniacally] -[jet whooshes]

-[Harley grunts] -Ugh.

-[grunting] -[impact thuds]

-[man screaming] -Send our regards to whatever shitty tabloid you work for!

And tell Ben Affleck I upper-decked his fancy soda stream!

[Harley screaming]

[sighs]

-Champagne, my queen? -[Ivy chuckles]

Harls, I gotta tell ya, this trip you have planned for us--

Call her by her name.

Right, the "Eat Bang Kill Tour," is just so sweet,

it's so fun, and then raunchy...

[chuckles nervously] ...and then a little scary.

I know, it's going to be hard to top

punching a bunch of Buckingham guards in the dick though.

[gasps] Oh, oh, tell me your favorite part.

Um, I really liked walking through the Queen's rose garden.

Each rose totally blooming to her full potential.

I'm like what is this woman's secret...

[woman] It's all about the sprinkler schedule.

Who said that?

-[woman grunting] -Queen Elizabeth the second?

-How did she get in here? -She shoved me in a bag.

Happy two-week anniversary!

Oh, wow, wow, Harls.

-What you... You don't like it? -No, I do. I do.

I like it.

-It's so pleasurable to meet you, your majesty. -[Queen chuckles awkwardly]

Aren't people going to be, like, looking for her? I just took my bra off.

[jets whooshing]

I gotcha, Ive. We'll wrap this thing up quick!

Let's commemorate with an emergency photo shoot.

-Kiss under the missile for good luck, Ive! -[kisses]

[camera shutter clicking]

Okay, okay, I think we got the shot! Time to lose our tail.

It's been real, your majesty! Later!

-Watch the-- Harley, no! -[Queen screams]

Yeah, she's got an invisible parachute.

I am gonna choose not to question that.

The potholes, the sinkholes, toxic puddles, super squirrels, exploding sewers,

haunted crosswalks, we've got children driving busses,

pregnant rats on every corner,

it costs $38 to mail a letter-- Personally, I loaded up on forever stamps in high school,

but not everyone's smart like that.

[disgruntled citizens clamoring]

-So is that a question or? -[citizens jeering]

If you're elected mayor, how the hell you gonna fix all this, Gordon?

Cheryl, you're my lieutenant!

I've got step-kids to feed and you're blowing our tax money

on tanks, robocops, and GCPD branded water bottles.

Eh, we paid for it with the library tax.

Most people are only in there to use the bathroom, anyway.

-[citizens jeering] -Why's everybody mad at me?

The biggest existential threat to Gotham is criminals like Harley Quinn

and Poison Ivy, who continue to wreak havoc.

I'll do whatever it takes to bring them to justice.

[disgruntled citizens shouting]

Mayor, you have 30 seconds to respond.

Your police budget is out of control.

-You're the mayor! You approved my budget! -[citizens booing]

-[citizen 1] Lame! -Boo yourself!

Hold on! I've dedicated my life to trying to keep this piece of shit city safe!

-[citizen 2] You stink! -Nuh-uh!

Hashtag team Harlivy!

-[citizen 3] You suck! -[audience booing]

I'll bring Harley and Ivy to justice, and then you'll change your tune!

Everyone's gonna be whistlin' Jimmy Gordon baby!

-[citizen 4] Fuck you! -No, fuck you!

[citizens booing, jeering]

I think that went pretty well. What do you think?

[jet whooshing]

[Ivy grunts]

Can you believe it's been 16 whole days since we've been together? [screams]

I'm sorry, who's flying this plane?

-It's on autopilot. Oh, shit, wait, hold on. -[emergency beeping]

-Okay, now it's on autopilot. -[Ivy clears throat]

I know I've been showering you with super thoughtful gifts to an almost exhausting degree,

but get ready 'cause this next one's gonna blow your skirt up.

But it's also very chill.

[water splashing]

We've been doing all this intense bad guy fighting, which you do often enjoy,

but there's this whole other side to you which is like,

plants! And I love that, too.

[gasps] Surprise!

Ugh! No! I thought I smelled stone-age pollen. Why did you bring me here?

Uh, what? You built this beautiful place. It's your baby.

I thought you'd get excited and maybe we'd mess around a little bit.

Come on, let's have sex in your baby!

I-- I brought you here because I thought it would inspire you.

Harley, it's not inspiring, it's-- It's a total failure.

I... I had this dumb idea to terraform Earth using prehistoric plants.

[mockingly] Ah!

You know and then I called it Edin with an "I" for Ivy.

That's so cute!

Okay, the name's not great. But the-- But the idea is!

I worked on it for like way too long, and then I could only grow this one shitty acre--

Of the most beautiful jungle anyone's ever seen! My girl!

No, I failed over and over again.

I designed it, like, ten years ago, the colors are so dated. Oh, my God!

I feel like I'm in, like, an Urban Outfitters sale section.

Hey. Neon is back! Some people say it never went away.

Ivy, you spent the last two years helping me with my stupid bullshit

and making chili with your ex.

Yeah. I also died and was resurrected.

Yes, exactly. You are a badass evil villain.

You should mold the world to your vision.

It's time to focus on what you want.

Since we're here, it's at least worth looking around, right?

[serene music playing]

I mean, the root system does look pretty strong.

I used to be so into that. [breathes deeply]

-Okay. Fine. -[Harley gasps]

-We can look around. But let's make it quick. -[Harley squeals]

[clock ticking sounds]

-Oh, my God! Babe! -What? What?

Did the queen find us? Do we need to finish her off?

Start an international incident?

I just negotiated the correct pH in the groundwater!

Oh, cool, I'm loving how inspired you are.

Bee-tee-dubs, in case other people ask me, what's the wi-fi here?

There's no wi-fi in Edin-- That's like the whole point.

A paradise that reverses all the damage humans have done to the environment.

Where ancient plants can finally bloom to their full potential!

Totally!

Reclaiming every inch from toxic factories,

fast food chains. Bravolebrities!

But not the ones that make their own wine, right?

I cannot go back to buying based on the label. No fucking way.

Just imagine, you and me, sitting in the sun, living off the nectars.

We don't have to run from anybody or bash any heads in.

Um, yeah, [chuckling] yeah, that is so cool.

You know, I don't need to bash people's heads in or have wi-fi.

I can just sit here. Maybe I'll learn to talk to flowers or something.

And this mind control device? Who needs it!

[impact thuds]

[inhales] Oh, look at this soil!

The Staghorn fern is self-propagating,

so if I can get the right acidity levels...

[indistinct creaking noises]

And then, who knows, Terraforming could be possible!

-[phone buzzing] -[Harley gasps]

[grunts]

Ooh! An unknown number, maybe it's a telemarketer, I'd better answer it!

Hello, outside world!

Oh, hey, girl! It's King Shark.

OMG K.S. Bang Bang! What's happening in Gotham? Tell me all the hot goss!

Well, funny you should ask,

we're being tortured. So, how are things with you?

Wait-- You're being tortured? By who?

Oh, I hate to be a spoilsport but me and Clayface are incarcerated.

[chuckles] Gordon nabbed us at the wedding.

He's holding us in Arkham.

But if you're too busy to rescue us, we understand--

No! We'll be right there!

Ivy! I've got some terrible news! [squealing]

[jet whooshes]

So, let's just in and out, no extra drama.

My seedlings are just in a crucial stage and I want to get back ASAP.

Oh, yeah, me, too, can't miss the crucial seedling stage.

You know, as soon as we make Gordon pay for messing with our crew!

Let's skip Arkham and crash this jet right into Gordon's house

and slaughter his entire family!

Honey, I know you haven't punched anyone in the dick in two days,

but we have to be smart about this.

Actually, yesterday there was a fox that tried to take a shit too close to me. So...

Gordon could be using him as bait.

A shark as bait? Ha! That is so fucked up. God, you're smart!

This is why we make a great team.

You with your brilliantly thought out strategies and plant goddess superpowers,

and me with... [breathes sharply]

-You gonna fill that part in? -What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. I was just...

[impact thuds]

[windshield wipers squeaking]

-Your hair looks really good today. -I know, right? [chuckles]

The shark found the phone we planted and called Harley just like we thought he would.

[laughs]

I bring down Harley and Ivy, no one's gonna be complaining about the potholes,

the sinkholes, toxic puddles, exploding sewers, haunted...

This is torture! Let me out of here!

Chin up, buddy! Before you know it, Harley is going to bust us out.

She better do it soon.

I have an audition in six hours for the new Thomas Wayne biographical picture!

"A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall."

[scoffs] Another movie about a bipedal billionaire.

And a trashy reboot at that.

Stop it! That puckish auteur James Gunn,

is spreading his wings into the horizons of award season drama!

If you can't make the audition, why don't you just submit a tape?

We could just use the phone that suspiciously showed up

in my French bread pizza at lunch.

Oh, like now? [clears throat]

Hello. Clayface. Arkham Asylum. Five to seven feet tall,

or whatever suits the role of "Thug Number Three."

Willing to shave. Anywhere.

Is this gonna be much longer? I gotta go pick up a prescription for my lizard.

[Gordon chuckles] Pay dirt!

-[guns cocking] -Freeze!

I'm getting nervous about Britney and Kylie's improv skills with Gordon.

They're trained professionals. I'm sure they're gonna buy us at least another five minutes.

[Kylie] Oh, no! Have we been bad?

[Britney] Ooh, we need someone to punish us.

Not Commissioner Gordon!

Ooh, we respect and fear him so much.

Something about this doesn't seem right.

Hold on, let's hear them out.

What the? Adult film actresses Kylie Kryptonite and Britney Bionic?

-[male cop] I'm a huge fan! -Loved you in the "Drilling Joke."

-Sign my gun? -Can I get an autograph? It's for my husband.

[alarm blaring]

[prisoners yelling]

Wait. This is where you drugged and kidnapped me to help me escape an abusive relationship.

[yells] Harlivy!

-Shark face! [squeals] -[King Shark chuckles]

You look radiant!

Oh, thanks! We've been doing a ton of fucking.

To the jet! Quick!

God, I can't believe I just said that, that was so lame.

Should I try that again? You know what, nevermind, let's just go.

[alarm blaring]

Watch where you're going, Karen!

Excuse you, bitch! You just bumped into Poison Ivy.

One of the premier supervillains in this world,

newly inspired for some really cool shit she's working on.

And my BFF GFF slash-- [loudly] Hottest woman alive.

Supervillain? [scoffs] Ha! She hasn't done anything evil in years!

Where the fuck do you get off? You--

-[growls] -Come on, Harley, let's go.

[alarm continues blaring]

[ominous music playing]

[jet whooshes]

-Yeah. -You're not coming with?

We're gonna jet back to Edin and continue the important work we were doing

with the leaves and measuring them...

Probably having lunch at some point...

Then maybe, maybe more leaf inspections...

And you're enjoying that?

Oh, yeah! I love chaos but I also love plants. Just like my lady.

Harley, I mean, if you want to hang with them, you don't have to come...

Are you kidding? There's nothing I'd rather do than listen to bae

talk about chlorophyll for a couple of weeks.

So I won't be needing these...

The nuclear codes expire on Tuesday. Miss ya, mean it!

Stop by whenever and also call me if anything cool happens

and even anything uncool happens I don't want to miss out. Bye!

-[Clayface] Huh? -Mmm-mmm.

You're what the French call "Les Incompetents."

-That's a little-- -Losing Harley and Ivy again,

and now half the GCPD is suspended for the shit they posted on social media

with pornstars. I should have your badge!

We'll let the people decide who's gonna take whose job

when I kick your butt in the election.

[laughs] You don't stand a chance.

Just ask my campaign manager.

-[Mayor laughs maliciously] -What? How could you do this to me?

-Do you know what my name is? -[gasps]

-Harvey Dent. -Right, but my moniker?

Oh! [chuckles] [normal] I still don't get it.

Ooh! Big whoops. Whatevs.

Enjoy your seventh term, Mr. Mayor!

Just know this open sewer of a city and its shit problems are all yours

and I hope you choke on 'em. [grunts]

[squirrel squeals]

-[screaming] Stupid squirrel! -[squirrel screeching]

-[impact thuds] -[grunts]

[squirrel chatters away]

[bubbling noises]

-[tires screeching] -[car honks]

[laughing maniacally]

[gasps]

Ah, damn kid bus drivers!

-[bus crashing] -[explosion]

[Mayor yells]

Live by the polls, die by the polls. Poetic.

Good news is I just became available again.

[crying]

[sobbing]

[whimpering]

[screams] No!

[Ivy sighs]

I just put the tea kettle on, do you want chamomile or jasmine?

-[muffled grunts] -What?

-Nothing. -[muffled grunts continue]

-What is that noise? -Well, I mean, it is our 18th day anniversary. [chuckles]

I'll give it to you later. Actually no, I'll give it to you now.

[grunts]

-So what is it with you and, like, bags of people? -[chuckles]

Surprise!

Oh, my gosh. Harley! Do you know who this is?

Yeah, it's the munch who said you weren't evil!

Let's feed her to a plant or something!

Give her an unflattering haircut for her face shape!

Show her you are the baddest bitch on the planet!

She's head of the Suicide Squad.

Oh, so you're Amanda Waller?

Oh, whoa, we need to make a Gotham yearbook or something.

I know the names but not the faces, but sometimes the faces and not the names.

-Harls. -[grunts]

You never returned my emails.

Yeah, thanks for the t-shirts and all, but the only squad I'm joining is Cobb.

Yet you still refuse to get the tattoo.

What's your damage, Waller?

Always perving on supervillains and putting bombs in their heads.

You think you're hot shit but no one's above being rude to my bae! Now apologize.

You think you can kidnap me without repercussions?

I eat repercussions for breakfast!

Harley, why are you stirring up drama right now?

We are supposed to be checking mitochondrial reactions.

-This is not drama, okay? -[sighs wearily]

What's she gonna do? She's wearing a pencil skirt.

You dance with me, you dance with the entirety of a team of renegades

who take on the dirty jobs the U.S. Government won't even do.

[rock music playing]

Captain Boomerang.

Killer Croc.

Enchantress.

Deadshot.

Katana.

Together they are, The Suicide Squad.

Some of the meanest psychos who are alerted whenever Amanda Waller

sends out the signal.

[woman] Which you did about two hours ago.

That's pretty cool, eh? P.R. put it together.

Oh, they want your notes by end of day. No rush.

Uh, hey! Can I see it?

Oh, sure, yeah, I'll send you the link. Right after I kill ya.

You kill us? You didn't even make the montage!

Where's everybody else?

Oh, uh, P.R. has the A-team overthrowing a dictator

in Central America. But...

I am Plastique. And I'm "the bomb." [echoes]

[both laughing]

[Harley gasps]

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, I've got butterflies of excitement!

Oh, no, I'm going to faint.

Pull yourself together, man!

Do you want to get cast as Thug Number Three or not?

Yes! Playing a minor character in a billion-dollar franchise

is every actor's dream!

-There we go. Warm up that instrument. -[lip trills]

[both making indistinct noises]

Keep going. Oh, you definitely couldn't have done this alone in the car.

[director clears throat]

"Quit ya yappin' or the tooth fairy is gonna need to do a little, uh...

She's gonna come and collect her--

Uh, tooth, uh, fee."

[chuckles] I'm sorry, can I try it a different way?

That was great! No notes! Thanks so much!

Please, I have incredible range!

I'm perfect for this role,

but if not, I can be anyone else.

A shocked bystander?

A lost tourist?

An uncredited limo driver?

I need this job. I'll lose my SAG insurance and the screeners!

I use the elaborate boxes they send them to store my leftovers.

How will I keep my egg salad fresh?

That sounds like a you problem.

Thanks for coming out.

[sighing sadly] You already said that...

Ugh, God. This chair is killing me.

Can you get me one that doesn't make my ass fall asleep?

One with lumbar support perhaps?

Please, James Gunn, sit on me!

Oh. Ooh!

[laughs]

Well, Mister Face, what would you say to a job

on set as the director's chair?

God, you look like a pile of shit but you feel like a pile of clouds!

[Clayface gasps in delight]

-[explosion] -[Harley grunts]

Bombs away!

[explosion]

[Plastique laughs] Too slow, eh?

-[Ivy groans] -[gasps] Ivy!

-[impact thuds] -[Harley grunts]

We really shouldn't have given away all our weapons.

We could use those nuclear codes about now!

-Here! -Aww, but I gave that to you for our three-day anniversary!

[explosion]

Well, eat scepter, Plastique! [grunts]

Ouch! God damn it. Now we get serious!

[explosion]

-Oh, I think I've heard of Plastique. -[explosion]

She's like a failed Canadian political terrorist, right?

I didn't know Canada made terrorists.

Chirp away, hosers! I almost blew up a super-soldier lab!

Oh, is that before or after you stole Carmen Sandiego's coat.

God, you know I meant that as an insult, but I do love her.

-Eat ash! -[Ivy grunts]

-[explosion] -[yells] My ranunculus!

[grunts]

[groans]

I hope you're ready to be in a new montage. In Memoriam!

[chuckles] I was born for it!

[device beeps]

Oh, hang on, it's gotta, yeah, it does this little blinkie thing before it explo--

[both scream]

[both grunting]

[helicopter whirring]

[sighs wearily]

It's gone.

It's all gone.

I'm so sorry.

Wait! Look, look! It's not all dead.

Ew!

[whimpers]

If I hadn't kidnapped Amanda Waller none of this would've happened.

[crying] I'm addicted to drama!

It's fine, it's fine, Harley.

Edin was doomed to fail.

No! I saw how happy you were, tinkering with your shiny trees

and the wet hunks of grass.

And all the green stuff.

Oh. Wow, please never describe nature again.

[sighs] Look, there's nothing I want more than

to terraform the world.

To take it back from humans, but... [inhales]

It just can't be done. At least not by me.

That is bullshit. You can do it because now... You have me.

Harley, I saw how bored you were.

It's okay if we don't do everything together.

Disagree! These last 19-and-a-half days

have been the most emotionally dope of my life.

I know the Eat Bang Kill Tour can't go on forever.

So let's get serious.

I am all in! I want what you want.

Please let me help you see your beautiful evil plot through.

Please, let's plant some shit, please?

You really think I can do this, peanut?

Yes! Totally! Partners in crime in every sense of the word.

-BFFs GFFs, right? -[chuckles softly]

[inhales deeply]

Harley and Ivy take over the fucking world!

I'll put on the tea kettle.

[kissing]

Happy 19th-day anniversary. [squeals]

[theme music playing]