Original subtitles

This story right here,

starts way back in '99.

When all Sid Derby cared about was his friends

and solar energy.

I burned a leaf.

I fried an ant.

I cooked a praying mantis.

I used my packet for solar energy

to power this portable - itself

and heat the neighbor's Jacuzzi.

What?

See what I'm talking about?

I wasn't making this shit up.

Thanks, kid.

Sid's been through some ups and down since then,

and he's fittin' to go through some more.

But hell, every great journey

got a little bit of turbulence.

So buckle up and enjoy the ride, player.

And who knows? Maybe you and I

will run into each other again

before it's all over.

Good morning, ma'am. My name is Sid Derby.

- No. - And I'd like...

Sir, are you familiar with the merits of clean energy?

Hmm. No.

You can make a big difference for solar energy.

No, I--I don't speak English.

Sorry.

How'd you like to save 20 to 40% off your electricity bill?

I'm listening.

You know what excites me, Karen?

- Uh, winning? - Winning. Precisely.

And you know who's winning?

Uh, we are?

The planet. That's who's winning.

See, at Palmetto, we're not just about

changing electric bills.

I mean, we're about changing the world,

and this is a great example.

Right here, the Harmony Vale condominium complex.

This is gonna change the world, Karen.

Take a look at that solar potential.

Hmm. Right here. Right here. Right there.

Come on. That's all day long.

- Oh.

God bless, America.

You know what we're gonna have to do?

We're gonna have to get a top notch sales person.

I want the most tenacious sales person

- we have on that video call. - Uh-hmm.

I--I can't tell you what an honor this is, sir.

I-I have been passionate about clean energy

- ever since I was a kid. - I--I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Uh, is--

is that person behind you having a seizure?

What's that? Yeah.

Oh, uh, sorry, that-- that's just my, uh--

my girlfriend, Sadie. She's, um--

she's an-- an Instagram model.

Actually, Instagram model/social media

influencer/professional life-liver.

You can follow me @sadie-lady.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Sadie.

Sid, focus up.

This deal is very important to me.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

You close the Harmony Vale deal

and I'm gonna send you to Cabo San Lucas.

All expenses paid. I don't care.

Wow, sir. That is incredibly generous of you.

But if I'm being honest,

the real prize is your respect.

Oh, huh?

Huh? You're good.

- I won't let you down. - We'll talk again soon.

And Sid, remember,

the planet is depending on us.

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.

- Okay.

I feel like that went pretty well.

Yeah, he's definitely gonna follow me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that-- that's why it went well.

Oh, yeah, I'm cleaning my butt with this tonight.

Yeah, but smell this.

Baby, that smell like pickles.

Pickle? This is white tea and sage.

Nah, those are pickles.

- It smell like a dill pickle. - No.

You ready to leave, aren't you?

No, no. I'm having a good time.

I'm having fun with my girl. We smelling soaps.

Give me a kiss. I'm with you, baby.

- And you good? - Yeah, uh-hmm.

- Give me a kiss. - I'll give you one.

I'll come to you.

- You know what? - What?

Go find something to rub me down.

- Uh-hmm. - Will I be rubbing you down?

Oh, rub me down.

Oh, baby.

Anybody know where the oils at?

I need to find some oils

that don't smell like pickles.

Welcome to Juice Mobile. How can I help you?

So, like, I lost my phone.

- And?

And I don't know where it is.

- Hmm. - I mean, it could be stuck

between the couch seat cushions,

could be at the mall,

could be at my friend Tommy's.

Okay, I got it. I got it.

Just search your Find My Phone app

and we'll figure out which one of these

riveting locations it's at.

Yeah.

But see, I don't have that.

Always install the Find My Phone app,

you fucking bitch.

Look, you're never gonna find your phone again.

You're 80% vape cloud.

- Like forever? - Yeah.

Do you even remember where you live?

Okay. Do you have your mom's credit card?

- Yeah. - Put it right here.

Yeah.

- Will this help find it? - We're gonna set you up

with a brand new phone, Kevin. Okay?

- I want my old one back. Oh. - You're never gonna get it.

Just like you're probably not gonna graduate high school.

Oh.

Hey, we should go by the park.

I'm gonna get you an ice cream to celebrate

our big trip to Mexico.

It's not a done deal yet.

I still got to actually close Harmony Vale.

You got it.

This is gonna be tough.

Oh, hello, good neighbors.

So crazy to see you here.

Good to see you too.

Oh, uh, how unacceptably rude of me.

Hello, Sasha and Ballard,

very good friends, siblings also.

- Oh, cool. - Fun.

You're--You're doing a show or...

A show? No, no,

we are getting coffee and a Danish.

I mean, no Danish for me. I've not had a carbohydrate

since the '90s.

Keto.

Okay. Well, uh,

we gotta get Graham here to the park

or I'm gonna have to ask Ballard

to put a plastic bag over his head,

and pick up some dog shit with his mouth.

Ballard did not find this funny.

Nor did Sasha.

- Okay, well. - I'm sorry.

They're puppets, so I'm not too worried about it.

All right, thank you very much.

Yes, sir.

- That's for you, hon. - Yum.

Oh.

That's a good Graham. Come, baby, get it.

- Yup. Thanks. - Look at it.

I need my candids.

Take a picture.

Oh, okay.

Yum, yum, yum.

I read that candids

get more interactions on Insta,

so I need more candids.

- Yeah, that's good. - Is it cute?

We--yeah, there's a bunch of really good ones in there.

- Let me see. - Okay.

It's not really a candid if you--

Baby, I look really bad in all these.

No, but I think there are some really--

- I look like a chonk. - No.

We don't like chonk, okay?

We like young, slender from below.

Make me look leggy, okay? So we need more ice creams.

Oh, no, I don't think Graham should have any more ice cream.

- He's had a lot. - Baby, this is like my career.

- Sorry. - - We want that 10 - K,

so we get the swipe up.

I know, honey.

We need the 10K.

Hey, can I get just one more ice cream, please?

Graham, look it, who's the best?

Influencer girlfriend, huh?

- Graham, look at it. - Yeah.

Yas, yas, yas, Graham.

You poor son of a bitch.

Look at those bangs, Graham.

- Oh. - Uh-oh, her ice cream fell.

- You're a cutie. - Hey, you know,

could you make it two actually?

- Yeah. - Thanks, bud.

We're breezy, yas, you're a sweetie.

All right. I'll-- I'll get you in a sec.

You're nice. Yes.

Hey, there. Did you drop your ice cream?

- Here, have a fresh one. - Pedo!

- He's a pedo! - What? Huh?

Only pedos give kids free ice cream.

- No, no, I'm not a pedo. I-- - Get back in your van, pedo.

- Let's not call anybody a-- - Pedo!

- Pedo! Pedo! Pedo! Pedo! - No, no,

- don't yell. - Pedo! Pedo! Pedo! Pedo!

- Stop doing that. - Pedo! Pedo!

Okay, just a sec. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got to go. We got to go. We got to go. We got to go.

Okay. So that's level now.

- Oh, come here.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

What the actual fuck?

Oh, hey, baby, you're home early.

And you're having sex with a strange woman

in the middle of our living room.

What are you talking about?

I'm not having sex. I'm tickling her.

Look, baby, this is Destiny.

Okay? Destiny, this is Charlotte,

my girlfriend I was telling you about.

Destiny is a dancer I hired

to test the strength of this amazing sex swing

I got for us to celebrate Arbor Day.

He just wanted to make sure

there wouldn't be any chafing.

Stop.

This is the last straw.

No, it ain't because we got several more straws left.

I don't know why you bought the straws.

Frederick Grouper Jones III,

you are a child and I am tired

of being your babysitter.

Okay. Let me get this straight.

- Uh-huh. - You're mad at me

for taking safety precautions? I did this for us.

- See, that's your problem. - Excuse me?

You got to have an open mind, okay?

All you do is overreact. And you jump to conclusions.

Overreact? You have a stripper suspended from the ceiling

in our living room. And you're gonna say I'm overreacting?

Uh, guys, I...

I think I'm just gonna go.

No one has this kind of time.

Baby, wait, look.

Well, happy Arbor Day to you too.

The movers will be coming for my furniture.

They're not gonna take the sex swing.

The sex swing stays.

Babe, I told you we shouldn't give Graham ice cream.

Sorry, babe.

Hey, will you pick out a photo

of heart hands around the sun for me, please?

Oh, babe, you know I like when you do the pro-solar stuff.

- I'm on it. - Like they say,

the couple that solars together stays together.

They do say that.

They do--they do say that about solaring together.

- Oh.

Hey, Jonesie, what's up, man?

Look, Charlotte broke up with me

and it's over a stupid misunderstanding.

Oh, shit, dude. I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's awful.

Yeah, I don't know what I would do

if Sadie left me.

You okay?

Ew, but not morning

heart handy, blah.

No morning? Okay.

Okay. No morning.

What's that?

Oh, um, right now?

Yeah, you know, I just told Sadie

I would help her with this photo.

Uh, is it cool if I just check in with you later? Yeah?

Oh, and I don't want evening heart hands.

We did that two weeks ago.

No evening. Got it.

Okay, man. Hang in there.

I'm here for you. All right, gotta go. Bye.

Okay.

Twilight heart hands.

- What the... fuck?

Puppet show. Okay.

What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Sadie!

What?

If Graham shit again,

we have to give him pumpkin

and like boiled chicken,

and then some rice or something. Oh.

You're--You're cheating on me with the weird puppet guy

- from next door? - Um...

Like, I don't think it's cool

that you went through my phone, so...

How long has this been going on?

Not that long, just like nine months.

But it's more of an emotional affair.

Yeah, but except for the sex.

Yeah, that's very sweaty and physical.

Shush, Clos.

Yeah.

You piece of shit! Shut up!

- Oh. - You son of--

I mean, that's a very soft pillow.

He wouldn't hear that.

Um...

this is like really bad timing,

but these were really expensive to rent.

So do you-- do you think you could take

my sweet baby angel picture?

That would be super great.

- I'm sorry.

Is this way better?

I'm sorry.

Did you get it?

Yeah, I think it looks really good.

- You wanna check? - Cute.

I think that's the last of it.

Hey, take care.

And if you need anything at all, I'll be right next door.

Yes, no dense feelings, Sidney.

I would love to remain good neighbor friends with you.

- Bye. - Come, baby.

baby.

Hmm, yeah.

Hmm. Please, after you.

Would you like to ride on my autobahn?

- Yes. - Perfect.

What's the speed limit?

Oh, it's as high as you like.

And the airbags are super firm.

Hey.

What?

Everything all right in here?

I heard a woman crying.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking a really shrill,

girly kind of cry.

Like...

Yeah, yeah, I think I might have heard that too.

But... it's probably those migrating

owls I was reading about.

Yeah, anyway, uh, here's your mail.

Oh.

What do you know? The owls are migrating again.

May I help you?

Could you please put the porta-potties

over by the shrubbery?

Sorry, I can't do that.

You can't put the porta-potties by the shrubbery?

No, I can't have you call them porta-potties.

Okay, these are patented Jones Family Traveling Toilets.

Okay. Would you please put the Jones Family...

- Traveling... - Traveling...

- Toilets... - Toilets over by the shrubbery,

so that my wedding guests have someplace to take a crap?

Yes, I will gladly do that.

Thank you.

I was so pissed when I heard about your breakup.

How are you holding up?

Look, I'm not great but Sid is a lot worse.

I feel like we need to pull a rescue mission.

That bad, huh? What are you thinking?

Let me conference in Runway Dave,

maybe we can come up with a game plan?

Jello?

Yo, Runway Dave, what's up, man?

It's--It's Jonesie and Angry Mike.

Gee, been a while.

To what do I owe you the honor, bitches?

Now, look here, man. We got a code three rescue

situation on our hands.

Sid's taking this breakup

with Sadie like a real pussy.

I'm glad to see you haven't lost

your way with words, Angry Mike.

- Should we conference him in? - So when I bring him in,

just make sure you're upbeat, okay?

Here we go.

- Hello?

- Hey, buddy. - Hey.

- Hey, man. - How are you, guy?

Oh, shit.

This is a rescue mission.

Look, as your friends, we wanna make you feel better.

So we wanna take you out tonight

and make you do a bunch of tequila shots

until you throw up.

Yeah, and then maybe

draw dicks on your face.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome,

but--but I think I'm gonna hang in for now.

Look here, Sid, look, don't make us go commando style

with this mission, okay? You know I'm quick to go grab

that chloroform and zip ties. Yup.

Okay, fine.

And Sid, look, man, for God's sakes,

please no talking about solar power.

I said the shrubbery.

Not the chuppah.

Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm sorry.

Okay, what is your problem, man?

You're always late.

It's your skincare regimen, isn't it?

That's classified information.

I am so happy that the boys are back together again.

We celebrating because me and Sid

is back out in these streets.

That's right. We got a newfound

liberation going on.

Hey, man. Don't worry about Sadie, okay?

She was a fucking skank.

Come on, Mike.

- Dude. - What?

Now, I know it's not

under the best circumstances,

but it's really good to see you guys again.

Y'all really are my best friends, man.

We should always figure out a way to come together.

To lifelong friendships, y'all.

- Cheers. - To lifelong friendships.

- Pick up your glass. - To lifelong friendships.

- Sorry. - I love you guys.

I love you, man. I love you, guys.

I love y'all.

Hey, let's get the healing started right now.

- No. - Let's go shoot our shot

with those two ladies over there.

- No. - It's time, brother.

What--Runway Dave,

do what you do.

Go charm those ladies

that you have no interest in.

- Get them to like us. - Okay.

Got us?

Hold my purse.

Jessica?

Jessica.

- Oh, my God. - Watch his purse, come on.

Come on, man.

- We back. - Oh, hey!

- Meet my friend. - Oh, yeah. Ladies.

I'd have never got caught by the cops if that octopus

from the aquarium touch pool was still on my back.

I had a whole octopus on my back.

- Classic. That's a good one. - Yeah, man.

Oh, so what do you do, Sid?

Oh, uh, I work-- I work in solar energy.

Uh, did you know that the sun,

uh, gives off over a hundred and seventy-five petawatts

of energy in the upper atmosphere?

Which is enough to power Las Vegas

for the next thousand years, so.

Okay. We're gonna go to the bathroom.

Yeah.

Just pour the fucking drink in the glass.

None of that shit makes it taste better.

Hey.

You all right, bro?

No, I feel pretty bad.

- I think I'm gonna head home. - Okay.

Just, uh, text me if anyone tries messing

with you on the way out, I'll punch them in the face.

I don't think that'll probably be necessary.

Yeah. I'll keep an eye out.

There's a lot of fuck nuts in here.

What?

Hey!

Hey, for Sid?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you Sid?

- Kaloosh? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Cool.

Arabic music good, no?

- Oh, yeah, it's, uh... - Yeah.

It's definitely music.

So, you don't have a lady from club take at home?

Oh, no. Uh, no, no ladies tonight, no.

Oh. Oh, I understand. I understand.

Is this Baklava?

You like the man meat, yeah?

No, I don't. I mean, I'm cool with that,

my friend likes the man meat.

No, but I'm more of a lady meat guy.

Why you don't have no game, you're young?

Yeah, it's just-- it's the whole thing.

I just went through a breakup, you know, so.

Relationship status, it's complicated, yeah?

Hey, Kaloosh, you think we could just, like, go maybe?

Oh, go, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

Thanks, man.

I miss you, Sadie Schnitzel.

Breathe deeply,

knowing you are complete.

Everyone loves you because you love yourself.

You are enough.

I am enough.

Repeat after me.

I am enough.

I am enough.

Again.

I am enough.

I am enough.

- Pound my schnitzel, oh. - Nope.

- Yes. - Oh.

No, I'm enough.

I am enough.

- Oh, yeah. - I am enough.

Oh, just like stuck in '99.

Don't forget to tag me.

Just urinate on Ballard.

Hashtag Yes.

Sid, you breathing?

Hey, man.

Look, I need to run something by you.

Okay. Go ahead.

First of all, we can't...

We're not gonna do that here 'cause, um...

this place reeks of sadness and...

and-and musty balls.

- All right. - Come on.

- Let's get out of here. - All right.

This is where you're bringing me,

Clowny's, big kids' restaurant?

Sid, you got to come join me, man.

No, I'm good.

What do you mean you're good? Don't--Don't be that guy.

Come enjoy this plastic bubble bath.

Yeah, there he is.

Get in that ball pit, man.

Oh, I can already feel the pink eye.

Oh.

Okay. Now let me tell you what I was thinking.

All right, since your girlfriend left you

and my girlfriend left me,

that only means one thing.

We're utterly alone and deeply despondent?

That means we got two apartments and we only need one.

That's right.

I'm saying we should move in together.

Me and you do this breakup thing together.

- You wanna be roommates? - Hell, no.

Roommates are creepy. No.

I want us to be bromates, huh?

Because we already bros and just add the mates.

- Bromates.

Bromates.

I don't know, man.

What are you talking about? It'd be amazing.

Look, we'll play video games all day or drink unlimited beer.

And we'll make chocolate chip pancakes.

I do like brunch,

but I don't know, I'm not sure pancakes are the solution

to my relationship problems.

Dude, we've been best friends since we're six years old

and we always had each other's back.

My job is to help you get over Sadie

and you can help me get over Charlotte,

even though if I can be honest with you,

I mean, you would be the one that need most of the help.

I'm good.

I'm in a plastic bubble bath drinking beer.

And I got a mushroom pizza on the way.

Excuse me.

There's no alcohol allowed in the ball pits,

and you have to be under eight years of age.

- Sir, I can still see you. - No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

- Sorry. - Pedo!

Pedo, pedo, pedo.

You got to be kidding me.

Mom, mom, that's him, that's the guy from the park.

What the...

Oh, yeah.

This is amazing.

I cannot believe this naked troll pencil

only cost 600 tickets.

Yeah, and it only took four and a half hours to get it.

Look, anyway, I think this bromates situation

is gonna be great for both of us.

I mean, unless you're happy living where you already are.

Pound my schnitzel. Ooh, yes.

- Hashtag Yes.

Okay, I'm in.

- Jonesie.

- Hey, welcome, bromate. - Hey, hey.

- Come right in. - All right. Here we go.

Make yourself comfortable, man. Welcome to your new home.

- Thank you. Look at this. - Yes.

Wow, it's really open concept.

Yeah, this place is a lot bigger ever since Charlotte took out

all her decorative bullshit out of here.

You mean, furniture?

Is that a sex swing?

You're damn right, it's a sex swing.

Yeah, I got the best sex swing money can buy.

Yeah, I spent all my income tax money on that.

Love it.

But look, don't worry about it, okay?

You know, I ain't gonna do anything

while you're in the bed.

At least not while you're awake.

Yeah.

Make yourself comfortable.

Hey, did you happen to bring your crock-pot by any chance?

It'll be nice to make some stews when the winter months approach.

You know I'm not like planning to stay that long, right?

No, man, the healing process takes time.

You're gonna be here as long as you need to be here, brother.

We're gonna get you healed.

You know what else they're healing?

My stews, man, that's what everybody say,

my stews make you fall in love.

Wow, this is amazing, man,

your collection is off the chain.

To be honest with you, with both boxes blended together,

that's gonna be dope.

Hey, Jonesie, are you a liquid soap guy or a bar soap guy?

Yeah, I like to use the bar soap directly on my balls

and in my butt crack, so it's your choice.

I'm gonna go with the liquid.

Oh, yeah. And I've really been working

on our bromates handshake, check this out.

One, two, high five, dap, one finger...

- Blow it up.

Let's do a dance, maybe the tootsie roll--

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, what is that? - What?

Uh-uh. Nah, you got to take that down.

Oh, come on. I can't just get rid of all of our stuff.

We were together for two years, seven months, and three days.

That's a lot of my life.

I don't care how long was you together,

that doesn't belong here.

We're not putting up photos of our ex.

Do you see Charlotte up there? I don't think so, brother.

Look here, Sid, I know you miss Sadie.

I miss Charlotte, too. Charlotte was a wonderful woman.

But she wanted two things I couldn't give her.

- Oh, love and devotion? - Hell no.

She want me to grow up and get my shit together.

And I refuse to do that.

You are my bromate, brother.

And I have an obligation to stop you from doing crazy shit.

And you putting that picture up is fucking crazy.

Okay? So take the picture down or else.

- Oh, or else what? - Or else...

or else this.

Yeah.

- Uh-huh. - Well, don't do that.

That's what you want to happen?

- No, don't do that. - I'll do it.

- That's way crazier. - No, it's not,

- it's the same crazy. - Fine.

You win, you're crazier.

Whoo!

Man, that was intense.

I did not feel like getting electrocuted today.

Why would you electrocute yourself any day?

Ooh, I smell like brown sugar when I get electrocuted,

but it ain't worth it.

Welcome to the big time, Sid.

I've got a lot of other pitches to hear.

So what have you got to say?

It's not what I have to say, sir.

It's what I have to show.

So, according to my calculations,

Palmetto's Clean Energy Technology

would reduce Harmony Vale's carbon emissions by 80%

while saving its residents a whopping $6.23 million a year.

And you can guarantee these figures?

Well, sir, after catching my girlfriend cheating on me

with a Bavarian puppeteer,

these figures are about the only thing in life I can guarantee.

My wife cheated on me with a Greek ventriloquist.

That's easy, man, solving problems is what I do.

No, I love it more.

- Good news. - Go.

Sid Derby got Harmony Vale Condominium Complex

to agree to sign papers next week.

Oh my God, my pulse is going up. How did he do that?

They seem to have bonded over the loves of their life

cheating on them with European puppeteers, sir.

That's weird. Really weird.

Sock, stick, marionette what are we talking about here?

- Rod and arm, sir.

Well, hey, could be worse, right?

- Yeah. - All right. Give me a minute.

- I'm maxing out right now. - Okay.

Ha, ha.

Okay. There we have it.

We are officially up and running on Tinder,

Christian Mingle, and nearsightedbigbootywomen.com.

- Wait, wait, "we"?

I didn't sign up for any dating apps.

I know you ain't sign up for no dating apps,

I signed you up because I knew you wouldn't do it.

All I need you to do is remember that you speak six languages,

and that you're a certified ornithologist.

Wait a minute.

I think that's Charlotte.

Okay, answer the door.

I don't wanna look thirsty or like I'm too desperate, so,

and I'm gonna sit over here.

If I pose like a...

Open the door.

You sure that's what you wanna go with?

Oh, yeah, she's not gonna be able to resist that.

- Hey. - Sadie, hey.

I called your mom. She said you were staying here.

- Are you sleeping on the floor? - Well...

oh, barely.

I mean, we're out partying a lot.

So it's not getting a ton of use, you know,

probably like five hours a night max,

less honestly, four--four and a half,

maybe average mean, mode, definitely median.

You know, there's our-- there's our sex swing.

We don't use it together.

We don't really use it.

- What's up with you? - Um,

I'm here because I'm missing things.

Oh, my God. Me too, babe.

I just--I, like, I miss our talks.

And I miss the sound of your laugh,

and I miss how you brush your teeth,

and how you ordered for me at restaurants.

Oh, no, no, no, I meant some stuff.

Um, like Whitney Houston records.

I think I left like a shoe.

I'll go get your stuff.

Thank you.

- No, no, no, okay. - Here, I guess--

I can't take it no more, give me this.

No, okay?

If we can't have "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."

- Oh, no, no, no. - Nobody will.

- No. No! - Oh!

Oh, my Houston.

Don't you tap dance on Whitney.

- I'm tapping it. - Don't you dance on my--

that's my favorite record.

No.

"Don't you Shuffle Down to Buffalo."

Uh-uh.

Do not, uh-uh, no "Running Man."

No, you are a monster.

You're a bad person, Jonesie.

Ah!

Wow.

- Thank me later. - Classy.

I can't believe she just came by for her stuff.

Don't kid yourself.

Look, she just wanna show off her six pack abs

and her surprisingly perky breasts, hmm.

Thank you so much, Jonesie, super helpful.

Look, Sid, we're bromates, okay.

And I respect the hell out of you.

But, man, you're going about this thing all wrong.

Hey, you're the breakup expert.

- Fill me in. - Well, here we go.

Look, the best way to get through a breakup

is not sitting around

obsessing about what's missing in your life.

No. You got to push all that down

and pump in new and fun stuff, you know.

I think you're talking about repression.

Okay. You still don't get it.

Look, you remember we had the fuzzy pump-up barbershop

- when we're kids, right? - The Play-Doh thing?

The Play-Doh thing, yes.

If you put enough new Play-Doh on top,

eventually, it will pump out all the nasty,

crusty, disgusting, negative Play-Doh to the ground,

and maybe the dog eat it or somebody could kick it.

I don't know.

Look, but you understand what I'm saying, right?

- Not even a little bit, no.

See, I didn't wanna have to go this deep, but I got to

because you don't get it.

You are a hopey brave, okay?

And what you need to do as a hopey brave

is defer to your elders, which is me,

when it comes to matters of the heart...

and the penis.

You know I'm like six months older than you, right?

Well, we in this together.

Two, three, four.

I'm your motherfucking elder.

- Just a sec.

Be right there.

Oh, hey, folks, come on in.

- Hi. Welcome. - Hi.

Hey, make yourself at home.

- Thanks. - Hi.

- Sorry for your loss. - Oh, thank you so much.

That's lovely. Thank you.

Hi, there. Hi. Come in.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. Come on in. Come on in. Thanks.

Okay. Uh, oh.

- Yup. Great. - Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.

Good. Okay.

I'll just pop this in the oven here.

And, uh...

And then Abner was diagnosed with Parkinson's.

My fiance, Craig, and I had all these plans.

His parents gave me some of his ashes

to spread in the Sea of Cortez, but I couldn't.

I can't.

How long has it been?

Four years.

- Thank you.

I guess that's me then.

Kind of tough to follow Brooke there.

So sorry, again. Wow.

Yeah. Similarly, I just--um,

I kind of always thought my girlfriend, Sadie, and I

would be together forever, and...

it's just not how it worked out.

- What did she die from, son? - Hmm?

Oh, no. She's still alive.

Kind of makes it harder.

She left me for a puppeteer.

But what a gut punch, you know.

Grab my right butt cheek. Grab it!

- Dude, come on.

I'm gonna give it to you later.

Are you serious?

What in the mothballs in our brain is going on in here?

This is the support group I told you I was hosting.

The one where we help each other, cope with our losses.

Loss of what? Hearing, balance, continence?

- Jonesie. Please, man.

We are trying to do some real emotional work here,

right, guys?

You know this is a weird way to get over a shitty girlfriend.

But, you know, Sid, do you.

I wanna introduce you to somebody. This is, uh...

this is Gloria. I met her on nearsightedbigbootywomen.com.

- Hi. - Hmm.

That's actually how I met my wife, Virginia.

- Uh, she got hit by a bus. - Oh.

Oh, because she was nearsighted.

She probably never saw it coming.

You know something. We're gonna go down to the bar.

We're gonna have some drinks, and do some sexual healing.

- Thanks for coming. Take care. - See you.

Hang in there.

- One day at a time.

Getting to talk about Abner with people

who understand what I've lost was so helpful.

- Thank you. - Oh, it was my pleasure.

And he was obviously such a wonderful, special man.

He was.

And don't you worry.

You have too good of a heart for it to stay broken for long.

Oh, thanks, Carol. That means a lot.

See you next time. All right.

Take care. Bye-bye.

Don't forget the dish.

I promise I will bring you your casserole dish.

You've reminded me several times.

Thank you.

Hey, it was a--it was really nice meeting you.

Yeah. You too.

I don't know.

Maybe this is weird, but would you ever wanna like,

see a movie or something? We could talk more?

Do you always try to hook up at bereavement groups?

What? Oh, God, no. Never.

I didn't mean--I mean, not that you're not super pretty or--

you're pretty.

I--if the circumstances were different, I--but I wouldn't...

- I'm sorry.

I really shouldn't have said anything.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. Maybe we can just do something casual the two of us

or all three of us with your guy there.

Craig would like that.

- Craig, yeah. - Yeah.

I won't try anything. I promise.

- That was--

- I'm joking. Sorry. - I know.

- All right. Good night. - Bye.

Hey, buddy. What's going on with you, man?

If I know you're such a light sleeper, I would've...

Okay. You look upset.

Uh, how about I do this? I'm gonna go grab the swing,

throw it in the closet next to the crock-pot,

because I bought one because, you know,

we're making those stews this winter.

Make those stews.

One more thing, too, I don't mean to bother you.

But, um, have you seen my little bag around here?

What's that?

My little bag, uh, my jimmy hat,

uh, my dick balloon, you know, uh, my wiener holder.

Are you seriously asking me if I've seen your fucking rubber?

No.

No. I'm not asking you that.

I'mma go look around here myself to see if I can find it, okay?

Okay.

It's a bit cold in here.

Walking.

Okay. Good.

Follow me, here you go.

Yes. That's good.

Good. Don't give up.

Oh, shit. Ow.

Hey. Good morning, bromate.

- Good. - How you doing?

Come on. Pump it out.

Really good. Thanks.

Good.

Now, hold it right here.

Man, I always have so much energy in the morning after sex.

I feel so good.

Oh, you should try it, man.

It's good for relationship recovery.

Yeah. I'm really happy for you. Good to hear.

All right. Come on, Graham. Let's go out, bud.

- You all right, little guy?

What the--

Oh, what the--

oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Graham ate your condom.

Oh, my God. You left it on the ground?

You're so irresponsible, Jonesie.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

I'm not irresponsible.

He's irresponsible, okay?

Graham, you are so irresponsible.

You're so immature.

What type of creature eats somebody else's prophylactic?

You know, that's barbaric. That is bar-fucking-baric.

You seriously yelling at the dog?

- Yes! - Like it's the dog's fault

you left your condom on the ground?

You know what? Just go pull it out of his ass, okay?

Throw it in the trash.

No. That's your dog, bro.

Yeah. But it's your sperm in the condom.

I'm not touching that dog's ass.

I'm not touching your dick sperm.

What the hell is happening?

Why is it inflating like that? What the fuck?

This nasty thing is farting inside the condom.

This got to be the gassiest creature on the face--

what are you feeding this thing, huh?

Dog food. Food for dogs.

Not that type. Look at how much gas is in that.

All right. What do we do? What do--we pop it?

Look, hear me out. Think about it.

Just let it deflate and then you pull it out.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea.

We let it deflate, and then you pull it out.

Oh, no, no. I'm not doing that.

We're gonna let it deflate and you're gonna pull it out.

No, no. You're gonna be the one who pulls it out.

- It's your condom. You pull it. - No. But it's your--

that's your dog, so I don't--you know,

y'all friends, you named him.

You had sex over my face.

Well, your dog ate the fucking sex.

So you pull it out.

- I'm not pulling it out. - I'm not pulling it out.

I'm not pulling that shit out.

I'm not pulling the goddamn thing out.

All right. Fuck it. Come on, rock paper scissors.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

- Fuck! Fuck! - Paper!

Paper every time.

Paper every time.

- Shut up.

Paper!

Oh, this is great.

Okay.

Just relax, Graham.

We're gonna get through this, bud.

This is great, man.

- Shut up! - Paper!

Here we go.

Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh! How is it still coming?

What'd you expect? It's a Magnum. I'm blessed.

Ah!

Oh God! Oh God! Clear, clear, clear!

Oh, that was so gross and amazing at the same time.

Excuse me.

All right. Couple of terrible looking hot dogs.

Oh, great.

- Whoa.

She has her own ball, ladies and gentleman.

Yes. Isn't she pretty?

I've never bowled with someone who has their own ball.

I find that very intimidating.

Oh, well, you know,

I used to be really into bowling.

Is that strange?

I think that's strange.

No way! That's bad ass.

- Really? - Lady who bowls.

- Hell yeah! I'm into it. - Oh. Oh, okay.

Hey, hey, I get it. People thinking you're weird.

A lot of people think what I'm into is weird, so...

Oh, like, freaky-deaky-sex stuff?

Like necrophilia, feces?

- What? - Golden showers?

No, no, no. Like solar energy stuff, that kind of thing.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I mean, solar energy kicks ass.

- Right? That's what I'm saying. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, come on.

Yeah.

- I still got it. - Okay.

- Yeah. Oh. - But I'm not scared.

- Okay. - Gauntlet's been thrown,

- I shall pick up the gauntlet. - Oh, do, do, do.

And then also throw it.

All right.

Prepare to be impressed.

Here we go. Bowling.

Shit! Okay. Okay.

- All right.

I'm gonna blame the shoe.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, I'll get better. I promise.

I just--it was warming up.

I just am not ready for all of this.

I thought I was.

That's okay.

That's--I totally understand.

Really?

Do you wanna just go home, maybe?

Yeah. I think that would be best.

Yeah. Okay. Let me just get your nice--

Thank you. Craig would like that.

- -pretty fancy ball and we'll get out of here, okay?

All right.

Can I just slide it in with Craig?

- Got your guy in here. - I just shined--

I just shined him, so...

- I'll walk you to your car? - Thank you so much.

Oh, what a night.

I'm just gonna take this, too.

- I might be hungry later. - Oh, yeah.

I think that'll make you feel better.

- That's a good idea. - Yeah, maybe.

Oh, God.

All right. Let's give him a hand.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

I had some bursted blood vessels on my face

that I had to get lasered away, but I'm here.

I'm clear and I'm ready to sing.

Yeah.

Look, all I'm saying, brother, look,

the best way to get over your ex-girlfriend is going

to all the places you can go to together by your damn self.

That's right. Go by yourself, reclaim your spot.

That is why I'm here.

Me and Charlotte used to come here all the time.

What am I doing here? Singing is not my thing.

Besides I still have PTSD from that date I went on.

You made all the classic first date errors.

You said rebound dates are good.

Yeah. If she's rebounding from a dick boyfriend, good.

If she's rebounding from a deceased fiancé, less good.

Everyone could be a star,

remember you got to sign up--

Hey, man. Would you quit staring?

Just go over there and do something

before you get hit with a restraining order.

Come on. What the hell am I gonna say?

She's probably not into solar energy.

Nobody is.

Look, you don't have to say anything.

Just go ask her do a duet with you.

The healing starts right now.

- Come on, go do it. - Okay. Screw it.

- I'm gonna do it. - Hell yeah!

- That's what I like to hear! - Here you go.

That's my bromate right there.

I'm just wondering if you wanted to maybe sing

a duet or something?

- Me? - Yeah. You look--

- just your pipe seems-- - What?

I can--I can see--

I can sense great pipes upon you.

That was amazing.

I can't believe you can hit those high notes.

- You can hit the high notes. - No.

Dar, what time is your flight?

Well, I have to go.

Go? What? Why?

Yeah. I have--I have a flight to catch in,

like, an hour from now.

Seriously? Wait.

- Do you not live here? - No.

I just came out for my friend's bachelorette party.

I have to be at a beauty pageant tomorrow in Amarillo.

- A beauty pageant? Seriously? - Yes.

I have to be at Sturbridge Park

in less than 12 hours

and 14 minutes.

That--that's amazing.

But I'm obviously kind of bummed.

I feel like we were really hitting it off.

Oh, me too. You're really sweet.

- Well, fly safe, it was-- - Thank you. All right.

- --nice meeting you. - Bye.

Bye, Dar. I love you.

- Thank you for coming. - You're welcome.

Goodbye. I love you so much.

Bye.

Uh, I'll--okay.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Have fun. - Okay.

Okay.

Was he gonna stay?

Hey, man.

Why are you sitting here by yourself?

Yeah. What's wrong?

She left.

No, I know what you did.

I bet you started talking about solar energy

and it dried up her vajayjay, got it all nice and dry, right?

Uh-hmm.

If you must know, she actually has

an early beauty pageant tomorrow in Amarillo, Texas.

A beauty pageant?

Is that still a thing?

- Yeah. - Hey.

Cool.

It sounds like Charlotte is up there doing our song.

Come on, there's no way that's Char--yeah, that is Charlotte.

Hell no. That's my song.

She can't be doing that. I'll be right back.

- She can't take this from me. - All right.

Oh, he's running.

Fuck you, that's my song.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's what we're doing?

Okay. You can't unsee that.

Man, can we please just get up out of here?

Hey, fine by me. This place is full of singing douchebags.

It's a karaoke bar.

- Look, let's go to Amarillo. - What?

She all but invited you, man. Plus, she's in a beauty pageant.

Uh-hmm, which is still a thing, I looked it up.

- Fuck yeah. - No, I'm not going to Texas.

It's insane. I have to close

the Harmony Vale deal in, like, two days.

Oh, my God. I'm so... I'm so bored.

I am not screwing up my entire career

to chase some girl I just met.

That's crazy.

Brother, as your bromate, listen to reason.

Okay. First, we'll be back in one day.

We need one day to do this. Secondly, look, man,

you'll be a better salesperson

once you get a little R&R in you.

And third, and I don't mean to guilt you with this,

but you haven't really been there for us lately.

- You haven't. - Uh-hmm. No.

- You were never there for me. - Seriously.

You were never there for him or me.

Look, man, you have a chance to do something

that's gonna make everybody feel good

while we're helping you at the same time.

Let's take this trip. Come on.

- Please? - Come on, Sid.

- Don't bitch out. - Fine, fine.

- Yes.

Let's do this.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

Amarillo.

- All right. - I didn't get to sing.

For the record, it is a terrible idea

to go all the way to Amarillo for a girl.

You're not going for a girl,

you're going for the adventure.

I can't believe I got a fucking middle seat.

This is bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no.

- Give me that. - What?

You're not following your ex on Instagram anymore.

You don't have the Find My Phone app installed?

I'm putting that shit on there right now.

Oh, hey. And I need your passwords, too,

because bromates do that type of stuff.

Ooh, I wanna get some Duty Free wrinkle cream while we're here.

Hi there. We'd like to rent a car.

Maybe something fun for a boys' weekend.

That sounds fun.

I'm so sorry that we are entirely sold out

with the big weekends.

You might wanna try Millennial.

- Sorry. Who? - Millennial.

They're--uh, well, they're new.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, we'd like to rent a car.

Maybe something fun for a boys' weekend.

I'm glad you guys are woke enough to come to Millennial.

We're not like those other basic car rental companies.

I can't even.

Cool. But you guys have vehicles, right?

You're hilarious.

Not only do we have them,

they're on fleek,

and we charge about 30% less.

Sorry, not sorry.

Our rental car 2.0 business model

allows us to augment our fees

with ad revenue so we can pass the savings

to our custees.

Oh, please don't call us that.

Um, okay. Yeah. Great.

Uh, we're in. Sure.

Okay.

Let me see.

I have a Ford Focus in spot 62 that's fire.

Amarillo.

Oh, before we get there, I just wanna let

all you bitches know, I call shotgun.

- I'm not sitting in that. - Nope. You called it.

Come on. Get in the car. I got shotgun.

Take a seat, Maxi Mike.

It's the first time I've ever touched one.

Fucking Millennial.

I got shotgun.

All right, guys.

I have you in two adjoining nonsmoking rooms

on the second floor for one night.

A hundred and eighty dollars for a carriage ride.

Fucking cobblestone robbery.

You know, it's really nice.

- This place sucks. - Okay.

Easy, man. Come on.

- Is everything okay? - It's lovely. Thank you.

I think, uh, 6:00 AM for our flight tomorrow?

I'll do 5:30.

How come my room doesn't have a reading nook?

- Always getting screwed. - Forget your reading area.

Who gives a damn about no reading area?

How about this, I bet you $7.58

you're gonna drink every nip in that minibar.

Yeah.

Hmm, I can one up you.

Twelve forty-three says you won't put

this cactus down your pants.

Done.

- Give me that. - Really?

Yeah. You know, I don't care.

I'm the king of betting and dares.

Oh. Ah. Okay. It's there.

- Done. - Hell yeah.

You know, something's wrong with-- Runway Dave,

I bet you $11.44, you won't lick this remote.

That's disgusting.

Run--Runway Dave?

I'm in the bathroom.

Oh, we don't have time for Runway Dave bath.

I'll get him.

Hurry up. We got a good bet for you.

Hey, we got to hurry and get to the page--ha!

If you guys had ever bothered to ask my type,

you would know I like bears.

I'm more of a cub.

- I'm a cub. - Yeah.

This can't be right.

She said Sturbridge Park.

Welcome to the Redneck Fest...

Festival.

Is there a beauty pageant here?

Finest kind, Redneck Beauty Pageant.

Okay.

Yes. I love that.

Are you--are you also gonna be competing in the beauty pageant?

You're a sweetheart, aren't you?

- Okay. - And parking is...

- Extra. - Okay.

Have I died and gone to bear heaven?

That's right, honey. Sleeves are wasted on you.

Come on, let's definitely not do that.

Come on. Let's go find the pageant.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Yes, that game is mine.

- That's a redneck ringer.

That's right, the dirty toilet seat game is calling my name.

I need to go over there and dominate

as the clutch player I am.

- I'll be right back. - Go, baby.

Thank you.

Oh.

How you doing, Rednecks?

All right. We are down to our two finalists.

Let's give a warm Redneck welcome back

to the stage, Smokin' Suzie!

Oh, yeah.

Go Suzie.

Go Suzie.

Yeah.

Come on.

It's gonna take a month or two

for you to get rid of that smoker's breath.

I don't see her anywhere. Maybe we're in the wrong place.

Now our next finalist, Darlene

and her pet ferret Nibbles.

Whoo!

Come on, Nibbles.

What?

Aww.

- Nice ferret! - I'm impressed.

Way to work, ferret.

Let's cheer 'em on, folks. Come on.

Go, Darlene?

Look at Darlene go. Woo-hoo.

Oh. That's my girl.

Whoa.

We have a winner.

Okay.

Okay.

Here she comes, Redneck queen.

All bow down before the queen.

Yeah.

All right, everyone now let's stick around

for the flip a - competition...

You need to stop this, Darlene.

You did not see this prize package I just won?

Duct tape, a tub of nightcrawlers,

and a lifetime supply of Cattleman's Cut beef jerky.

Oh, no. But I've seen the way you look at that ferret

it's like you love that little critter more

than you love your own boyfriend.

You think it's cuter than me? Answer me.

Darlene, this conversation ain't over.

Talk to the hand, because his Redneck Beauty Queen

ain't listening.

It is cuter than me.

- That was something. - It's crazy.

Oh, oh, there she goes.

- I'm gonna talk to her. - Go do that, man.

- Go get your queen. - All right.

King. Sid, I see you man.

If anyone offers you crystal meth, don't do it.

Darlene.

- Huh? - Darlene. Hey.

- Hey. - Sid,

from karaoke like 12 hours ago.

Oh, wow.

I'm just kind of realizing how insane this all sounds

and you must be potentially creeped out.

So, um, I'm gonna let you go and maybe go,

I'm here with my friends. I'm sorry to--

sorry, but take care.

It's good to see you. Take care.

Hey.

I think it's really sweet

that you came all this way for me.

- Really? - Yeah.

Would you like to get out of here?

- Like, together? - Yeah.

As long as you have a car

and it doesn't have a baby in it.

Yeah. But don't judge me, okay?

Nice.

Hey, good to know you have a feminine side.

Home sweet home.

So we do get a lot of flies on account

of being next to the fish plant.

Oh, is there a fish plant nearby?

Yeah.

Here we are.

All right, Nibbles we're home.

- Come on. - You're just letting him out.

Yeah.

He's gonna free ball it. Wow.

So I'm gonna go change into something

a little bit more comfortable.

Cool. Yeah.

I'll just be here with the wild animal.

Play with him.

Oh, um, actually, do you think I could use your bathroom?

You don't have a second one, do you?

No, obviously not. It's a trailer.

Oh, okay.

Pee--I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not gonna make it.

Come on, come on.

Shit!

What's up, playboy, man, where you at?

Look, we're ready to get up out of here.

Hit me back if you get a chance.

I just supported your family big time.

Oh, and I just drank the rest of your drink.

- Oh, fuck. - Big time.

Hey, brother. Hey.

I appreciate the work you're doing.

You, I'm talking to you.

Thanks for noticing.

I don't normally get compliments.

Yeah. I could barely smell the piss

and shit around here, man. You're killin' it.

Wow, man. Thank you.

My name's Walt.

- Oh, God. - Wow.

- What's your name. - Yup, that's him.

That's the one.

That's the fella who done hit Aunt Thelma

in the head with a toilet seat.

Nobody hits Aunt Thelma in the head

with a toilet seat and gets away with it.

Look here, man.

I threw the toilet seat by a fucking mistake.

- I'm sorry. - Hold on. Hold on.

- You wanna go, bro? - Yeah.

I want you to go round back and get the hell out of here

before I whip your scrawny little ass.

Okay. I was hoping for this,

but you better hope you never see me again,

because it'll be your worst fucking nightmare.

Well, I dream about clowns having orgies,

buddy, so I sincerely doubt it.

Hold this. Let's go fight.

She's not gonna make it, right?

- No, I don't think so. - Yeah.

Shit.

Is something burning?

What? Oh, hmm.

You know what I bet it is, it's probably the sun

just giving off 175 petawatts of energy.

No, it smells like old meat and human hair.

- Old? - Yeah.

Here, let me show you around.

- Oh, yeah. - Are you ready?

- Here's my bathroom. - Oh, yeah.

That would've come in handy a couple seconds ago.

Here's my bedroom.

Oh, more ferrets.

Cool.

- Let's just sit. - Really--oh, okay.

I'm so glad to have you here.

Oh, me too. Thanks for having me.

Oh, wow.

Hey, Sid.

Hey, Jeff Gordon tattoo.

What you doin', man?

I think I'm about to have sex with a really hot,

Redneck Beauty Queen.

Hmm, yeah.

Talk dirty to me.

Whoa. Caution flags out.

That hundred and ten volts you took to the dick

scrambled your brain.

You're not thinking straight, bro.

Whoa.

You make a lot of sense, Jeff Gordon tattoo.

So wise.

So wise.

Here. It's chamomile.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, listen, I hope you know it's nothing to do with you.

I mean, you're so pretty and sweet, and you got

that bitchin' Jeff Gordon tattoo,

which was a fun reveal.

It's just that I'm struggling to figure out

how to get over my ex-girlfriend.

And somehow I don't think having sex with someone

I just met is the way to do it, you know?

Oh, my God. It's my ex-boyfriend.

- Boyfriend? - That's Harlan.

Um, he's like a bad yeast infection

that I can't get rid of.

You need to run and hide, please.

- Hide? - This way, this way.

It's a trailer. Where am I gonna--

Just go here.

Why am I knocking? Get in there.

Darlene? Why is there a car

covered in lady products parked out front? Hmm?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know it frightens me what you all put up there.

- You hiding something from me? - No.

Like when you took that haiku writing class?

I remember. You remember--wait.

Yeah.

- You left that.

Oh, where is he?

Where is he? Huh?

- Who? - This place ain't that big.

Hey, you look in this wing.

I'll check--oh, buddy.

Open up, panty shield man.

No, thank you.

- Hi. - Here's your phone, buddy.

- Oh, thank you. - Oh, you're welcome.

- And I got you a new ringtone. - No.

Well, looks like this prize package was useful, Darlene.

Harlan, I'm gonna kick your ass.

You ain't got nobody to blame in this but yourself.

Take a long look in the mirror, sister.

This wouldn't have happened

if you wouldn't have cheated on me

with some sicko

who sells feminine hygiene products.

Oh, I actually sell solar energy products.

Tampons ain't powered by the sun.

I'm no gynecologist but even I know that.

Just hit us back.

16.93 I bet you, you won't let me put this iron

on your ass for two whole seconds.

Dude, I done try Sid, like, 10 times.

Something gotta be wrong.

Can you track his phone?

Yeah. What's his password?

It makes me sick saying this but, uh, Sadielady.

Oh, my God.

It is. He's in a trailer park.

Hey, Runway Dave, can you look up Muckraker Road?

3200 Muckraker Road.

Look up what?

I should probably head back to reception.

Um, need more towels or anything?

Don't act like you're on the clock.

Oh, bossy bottom.

Y'all been in there this whole time?

I didn't know Google Maps had real time views.

What? No. This is a military satellite.

I told you guys I work in black ops, right?

You really know nothing about my life.

Anyway, ooh, I see the trailer

and there's the Maxi pad mobile.

Oh, Sid's gotta be inside there.

Question is, who is he with?

I know that guy.

That's the dumb shit from the pageant.

- I was gonna kick his ass. - There's no way Sid

would willingly hang out with that guy.

Something must have gone wrong.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Hell yeah. It's time to escalate this

from a surveillance operation to a rescue mission.

You know something? Look, I'm gonna go to housekeeping

and see if they got some chloroform and zip ties.

Stand down, soldier.

As the highest ranking military officer

in attendance, I'm taking command.

10-4.

Thank you for your service.

What do you see?

Two entrances, windows, slider variety.

Three Redneck Beauty Queen crowns on the shelf.

Ooh, and what appears to be a small,

nonviolent mammal sleeping on the couch.

All right. It's time for the diversion.

Wait, you sure you're ready for this?

Please.

Trained my whole life for this runway walk.

What in tarnation?

- Hey, Harlan. Harlan, Harlan!

There's a dude doing a runway model walk out in the backyard.

Shit!

Get him!

- Oh, thank God. - Wait, wait, wait.

Look, bromates operation liberation has been executed.

We're moving on to the extraction phase.

- Come here! Damn it! - Go!

Let's get out of here.

Bye, Darlene, nice meeting you.

Oh.

Come here!

It's a decoy!

Okay.

Threw the sexy ginger decoy at me, did you?

Harlan, I have two words for you.

Oh, my ears can't wait.

Nibbles, strike!

This damn rat.

I told you would regret it if I ever saw you again.

Your place smells like shit.

You need better taste in women!

Awesome. Thanks. Ow.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Damn it!

- Hurry up, Harlan. - Goddamn it!

Chip chop chip, they're getting away!

He got me right in the pocket hamsters.

- Don't come back! - Get back inside!

What the hell is this fucker doing?

Woo-hoo!

Woo!

Yeah! Suck it!

Yeah! Welcome to the family business, bitches!

- I can't see shit! - That's all I can see.

- Hit it! - Let's get outta here.

Oh! Oh, come. Let's go! Let's go!

Go, go, go, go!

- Faster! Faster! - What do you mean fast?

I'm going fast! Okay? I'm flooring it.

Fucking Millennial piece of shit!

Hold on!

My God... do you think she's trying

- to tell me something? - I don't know, man.

Shut the fuck up! I don't know!

If only we had some weapons,

like a--like a rocket launcher, or grenades,

- or brass knuckles! - Wait.

- We have the sun. - What?

Runway Dave, give me the mirror from your travel bag.

How do you know I have a mirror in my travel bag?

Oh, come on! Give it to me!

Be careful.

Damn!

Oh, it's working!

- It's working! - Holy--

I can't see!

- Yes! - Oh, yes!

I've always believed in solar power.

Thank God for solar power!

Fuck that guy. Yeah.

Bro.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. I can't see.

- What are you doing? - Get that mirror off

Runway Dave's luminous skin.

Hey...slow down.

Slow it--hey.

Holy...shit.

We're not gonna get our security deposit back.

Put your hands on your head.

- Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Get down on the ground.

I'm slowly going to the ground.

Also remember, I'm with two white people and a gay man.

- I said get down on the ground. - I'm doing it.

- I heard you. - It's Texas.

What the fuck?

Y'all hit my grandma car?

I'm fucking y'all up.

Is that who I think it is?

You no driving motherfucker.

Yeah.

Excuse me, sir.

I was just wondering if it would be possible for us

to get our friend back from you there.

- You can buy him back. - Uh-huh.

Well, it's just they took our wallets so I don't--

I don't have any money right now.

Well...

there's plenty other currency around here.

Okay. I will Zelle you later.

Sorry. Good luck. I tried.

What?

Hey, man. You couldn't get Angry Mike back?

Me? Why don't you go try and get him back?

Your driving is the reason we're here in the first place.

That was on you, you was blinding me.

- I couldn't see. - Oh, excuse me

for harnessing the awesome power of the sun.

Why couldn't you just hold the wheel still?

I was holding the wheel still.

Okay? I gotta-- I gotta see to drive.

I'm not Stevie Wonder. Who do you think I am, huh?

You made bail. You're free to go.

You too, man-bitch.

Yes.

Thank you so much. All right.

Look, everybody figure out which one is their shoelaces.

I think we can all agree that was terrible.

Oh, babe, you should be so lucky.

- Here you go. - Where'd you get this?

- Thank you so much. - No problem.

Hey, do anybody got any idea who bailed us out?

Who do you think it is, man?

- Look, I don't know. - It doesn't matter.

It does matter, okay?

- Maybe it was Raj. - That don't even make sense.

It had to be a lot of money though.

You know everybody in Texas.

I don't know who bailed us out.

I'm the one who bailed you motherfuckers out.

Snoop--uh, Mr. Dogg.

- Uh, we just-- - Shut the fuck up.

- Yup. - Now honestly,

I was pissed off at you guys.

Then, I thought about my main man, Marcus Aurelius,

who once said, "To arise in the morning,

think of what a precious privilege it is to breathe,

to think, to enjoy, to love."

Yeah,

I may have lost my grandma's old school car,

but I gained some new friends.

So in my book,

fair exchange, no robbery.

- Goddamn that was deep.

Honestly, Snoop, I can't believe we enlightened you.

Speaking of light, your skin is quite radiant.

Thank you, Snoop Dogg.

I was honestly really worried about the big house

and what it might do to my skincare regimen.

- Not a chance, playah. - Thanks.

Save the small talk, let's roll.

I want y'all to get in and ride with me.

- We can ride in your car? - With me.

Three in the back, one shotgun.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

You're finna come party with me. Get your ass in.

- Any advice? - Get in the fucking car.

And then the other-- It's just crazy.

- How do you want me to get in? - Just get in.

Yeah, get in where you fit in.

Well, here you go, fellas.

Wow.

Oh. Where are my manners?

I got something nice for you fellas to go with your tea.

- Partying with Snoop sucks. - Yeah.

All right.

Here you go.

I got Bubble Bubba Kush, Golden Goat,

Sour Diesel,

and my favorite, Sweet Skunk.

Make you wanna hug a skunk, child.

Thanks.

Grandma Gladys got the good shit.

Always have, always will.

You better know it.

- Clearly, yeah. - Uh-hmm.

- Oh...

so sorry. Excuse me.

Um...

Mr. Kemper, hi.

Yes, sir, I know.

I know, sir. I let you down, sir.

- I'm sorry. I can explain-- - Let me holla at him.

- Give me the phone. - Uh, Mr. Kemper, Snoop...

Come on. Give me the phone. Let me talk to him.

...Dogg would like to say hello.

Pimp, pimp, what it do?

- Yes, sir.

I just wanna represent my main man Sid right now

as a character witness.

He's a great employee, on time, hard worker.

Yes, sir. Uh-hmm.

Man, thank you for your time, man.

You have a beautiful day. Peace.

Oh, my God. Thank you. You worked it out with him?

- We're all good? - Man, he fired your ass.

He just had a nice way of doing it.

Well, you know, it probably serves me right

for following Jonesie's devil-may-care-

jam-more-fun-and- fuzzy-barbershop-approach-

to-relationship rehab.

Have you not learned anything from me, huh?

Yeah, I guess not, because you don't have

anything to teach me.

You know, instead of lecturing me

about what I should be doing,

you should be on your knees

begging Charlotte to forgive you for being an idiot

and asking her to take you back.

A, okay, that's a dumb idea.

And B, bromates don't call each other idiots.

Matter of fact, we don't call each other names.

- That's not what bromates do. - We're not bromates.

There isn't such a fucking thing as bromates.

It's just a dumb term you made up

to make us feel better about being losers

whose girlfriends dumped us, which is what we are.

- Fuck you. - Man, fuck you.

- No, no, no. Fuck you. - Fuck yourself.

- Fuck you. - Get the fuck off.

- -... - Shitty ass friend.

...stories and you don't need a Magnum.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, man. Don't break my grandma's

porcelain animal figurine.

Your stories don't go anywhere and they're stupid, too.

Hey. Calm down, my granny is sitting right here.

Hell, yeah.

- Sorry, Grandma Gladys. - Grandma Gladys,

we didn't mean to...

cause a disruption.

Sorry, Snoop.

Hey. You rented it.

- You wrecked it. - It's in your name.

Hey, there, we're returning your vehicle.

Why would you do this to our car?

I don't know, man. You gave us the Maxi pad car.

What did you think was gonna happen?

Hold on.

I need to speak with my boss.

Um, the, um...

Hummus Hut car would have been a nice alternative.

It's got a roof rack.

What the fuck?

He said you need to Venmo us, like...

$4,000.

Come on, Graham, let's go, bud.

Hey, hey, hey. Look, man.

Here's half of the liquid soap.

Oh. Thanks.

I really thought bromates for life, but...

I guess bromates for three weeks have to do.

Yeah. Take care, man.

Yeah.

I mean, are you classically trained?

These moves are incredible.

I mean, the way you infuse your

Latin culture into your job,

I mean, this is inspiring.

I had you all wrong, you know that?

- Hi, hi. Sorry, I'm late. - Hmm.

I got stuck coordinating a drone strike.

- Can I get the pinot? - Of course.

Hey, don't even worry about it. It's not a problem.

When did you get so chipper?

I think it's what Snoop Dogg said.

I mean, life is short, right?

You know, we gotta stop and make a conscious decision

to enjoy it.

Much like how we enjoyed his grandma's Earl Grey tea

and Monkeybones weed.

- Good for you. - Uh-hmm.

I guess the other guys didn't show.

Yeah. Well, I hope they'll figure it out, you know?

- They really need each other. - Hey, we all do.

Cheers.

Oh, speaking of which.

Do you mind being my gay wingman

and talking to that girl over there?

You know I love helping my boys.

- Uh-hmm.

Ladies.

Oh, by the way, I'm Happy Mike.

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you so much.

How do you know Carol?

Oh, we were in a grief support group together.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thank you. It's very kind.

But to be honest, I think Carol had it a little

tougher than I did.

Nothing brings perspective like a funeral.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Thank you.

Oh, hey.

Brooke, hey. How's it going?

Hmm.

Yeah.

It's so sad.

I think she truly loved Abner so much.

It's like the sun set on her world when he left.

Yeah, well said.

So, Craig's here with you?

Yeah.

I was actually thinking of finally honoring

his parents' wishes.

Yeah? Spreading the ashes

in the Sea of Cortez, was it?

Yeah.

It's great. It's really great.

You think so?

Yeah. I mean...

I don't know anything about anything,

certainly not relationships, but...

I don't know, if there's one thing I have learned.

I think it's that if you don't

let go of the past,

you can't really make room for all the good stuff

the future might bring.

And I don't know.

The future could be pretty bright.

I think so, too.

- What can I say? - You missed a meeting

for the Harmony Vale Condominium Complex.

Nobody comes back from that.

Well, I could explain everything that happened

and a strange...

redneck competition.

It-It doesn't matter.

You probably wouldn't even believe me.

So I'll spare you.

But... look, the truth is,

I don't even work for Palmetto anymore.

But I'm here because I believe in their mission

and in the promise of what clean energy can do,

not just for your property, but for the planet.

A planet we will pass down to our children

and our children's children.

So, while I will not personally benefit from this deal,

I believe we all will, collectively.

So I am asking you, sir.

No, begging you.

Please reconsider.

And sign this purchase order

because it's the right thing to do.

For all of us.

Sorry, I thought I turned that off.

- Oh. - What?

I'm so sorry. One sec. Hello? Sadie?

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I--

yeah, I can do that.

Okay. Okay. Bye.

Welcome to the beautiful Bahamas.

It's me, Sadie. And I just wanna say,

wow, it is hot here.

It took me like two hours to dry my hair and, like,

my neck sweat would make my hair sweaty.

And it's like, what am I doing?

- Sadie? - It is

- really humid here. - Hello?

So if you ever come,

make sure you pack your frizz spray.

Also... there are tons of stray dogs

- and they're not like... - Dickheads.

...little guys. They're like...

scary guy.

Oh, also in the Bahamas,

they don't speak Spanish,

so don't order in Spanish.

- Oh. - Sid!

Oh.

I was in the Bahamas.

I'm not anymore.

This is a recap.

I just--oh, my God, Sid,

it's so good to see you.

Yeah. Yeah, you too.

Um, thank you so much for sending me that

"Didn't We Almost Have It All" message,

because we did almost have it all.

Yeah, but I mean, what about

Clos and Ballard and Gerbils?

Oh, yeah. Um, he was just using me for exposure

for his stupid puppet musical, Vondervall.

- Bummer. - It wasn't even good.

I didn't understand it. I don't speak German.

But, like, it made me realize

that no one cares for me the way you do

and understands me. And...

takes, like, really awesome pictures

where I look like statuesque

and like an angel light behind.

You're it for me, Sid.

I can't tell you how I fantasized

about hearing you say those words.

I mean, while I was at work,

while I was in Jonesie's shower,

while I was lying on the cold linoleum floor.

It's true.

But the pain I've been through

has helped me see that

while I always feared that I wasn't enough

in our relationship,

the truth is we weren't enough

and--no, no. And it's my fault,

totally my fault for seeing something

that wasn't really there.

But I think we're in a good place now and...

it's time to move on, you know?

- Oh, my God. - But--

- Oh, you're gonna be okay. - You just broke up with me

on my frickin' live feed.

Um... he was just joking,

so make sure you like it and subscribe and, um,

just--I love you guys.

- Charlotte. Hey. - Hey, Sid.

- How's it going? - It's going.

Let me get Frederick for you.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. Hey, good to see you again.

Yes. Nice It's nice to see you too.

Frederick, Sid's outside.

- Hey. - Hey, man.

Didn't realize that you and Charlotte were together again.

How--how'd you get her back?

I mean, turns out, uh, begging on your hands and knees

is actually a good plan after all.

Well, I'm glad it worked.

I'm happy for you, man.

Hey, man. It was just time for me to, you know, grow up.

- Be an adult.

Well, uh, listen, I just came by to say that...

I finally opened my eyes and saw that the one person

has who's always been there for me,

who's always cared about me is...

is you, man.

And I'm sorry I wasn't the friend to you

- that you were with me. - Oh, come on.

You're doing too much, man. Oh, we're always--we're friends.

There's nothing to change.

No, we're not.

What?

- We're bromates for life. - Come here.

I love you, man.

Wow.

Thank you.

- Hey. - Hi.

- How you doin'?

Going to Cabo for work, for fun or...

A photo shoot, um,

for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

- Oh, wow. I've heard of it. - What about you?

Uh, a little of both. I, uh...

I closed this deal for work

and they're sending me on vacation, so.

I'm in solar energy.

I guess we both kind of are, right?

You know, 'cause you'll be on a beach in the sun.

You know what? Do you mind taking a picture

for my Instagram?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

You know what? Sorry. No. No.

Excuse me?

Sorry. I just don't get social media.

I mean, why can't people just live life

instead of constantly trying to caption it,

and like it, and--

Can I change seats, please?

Oh, no, no.

That's okay. I'll move. Is there somewhere I could?

Great. Have a nice flight.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard to--

Sorry. Can I squeeze in here?

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. Oh... geez.

Sid?

- Is that you? - Brooke?

- What?

- What are the odds? - I know.

I love that you're on this flight.

- It's great to see you. - Great to see you.

We're going to Cabo.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Thank you so much.

Oh, great. Thank you.

Oh, yes.

- To new beginnings. - To new beginnings.

Hey!

Hey, you guys got a hammock, huh?

How great is this?

- Yeah. We're doing it. MR. - Oh.

This is a nice one, huh?

- Let me in. I wanna try it. - Okay.

- Coming in hot. Come on. - Yeah.

I didn't think that's where that was headed.

- All right. - Okay. Oh, you're wet.

- Oh, look at this. - Oh, my God. Look at that.

- Whoa! - Huh? How about that?

- Wow. - I think it's a sea bass.

I don't even know. I was shooting at a bird.

I don't even know how that happened.

- Why? Okay.

- Wow.

Okay.

Surf is angry today, my friend.

Hmm.

You know, Sid, you made a difference.

Hey, thank you, sir. Appreciate that.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

Yeah, she really is.

She really is.

And action. Hello. Clos Swineford here.

Uh, this is my America's Got Talent audition.

I am a puppeteer.

As you can see, I enjoy to make puppet times.

Hello. Hello.

I first began with the puppeteering

after a very awful, horrific accident in skiing.

I accidentally decapitated two children.

And then I thought if I've murdered a child,

how do you fix this?

You make other child's laugh.

This is Sasha and this is Ballard.

They are rough approximations of the two children, um,

that I--that I murder--it's-- it was manslau--I mean,

I did some community service, so I due--I paid all of my dues.

So, my hope and dream

is to make other children laugh very hard

to drown out the screams of the children.

See you soon, Bachelorette.

To Bromates.

Improv.