Original subtitles

Goodnight now.

Goodnight.

Right here is fine.

Think this is bleak enough?

My ears are frozen, my feet are frozen.

This is as far as it goes.

Malt's not gonna like this.

What's he not gonna like?

He'll find something not to like.

Besides us, you mean?

Yes, besides us.

Huey...

you sit in the sled.

Santa, Sparky, presents...

reindeer...

fake snow... what are we missing?

Children.

Oh, yeah.

Let 'em out!

Let 'em out!

Now what do I do?

You know what to do.

When they handed out the parts, you got the heart.

That's right, I got the heart.

You got the brain. Is that what you're saying?

I'm saying that between the two of us, you've got the heart.

I'm saying that together, we make a person.

It's Santa!

It's Sparky!

What is this, Craddock, a joke?

No.

Who was in charge here?

Me. I was.

That's right, Mr. Malt. This was Quinlan's baby.

Quinlan...

let me ask you a question.

You was a big-shot investigative reporter

for the Chicago Tribune.

Won some prizes.

Give him a biscuit.

Now, what do these look like to you?

They're Indians dressed up as Eskimos.

Indians, Eskimos... what's the difference?

That's what we thought.

Shut up, Driscoll.

You know the only prize I ever got, Quinlan?

It's out there on the walls.

I got four and a half million people

who buy the National Mirror every week.

And you know how many of those four and a half million readers

are Indians or Eskimos or Eskimo-Indians?

I told him. American children.

Americans want to see pictures of Americans.

They are Americans.

Americans! Is that too much to ask for Christmas?

No, sir, and I will get someone right on it.

If you don't teach that dog some manners soon,

somebody else is gonna have to,

won't they, hmm?

How long were you in Elizabeth Taylor's pool, ma'am?

Reincarnation, Miss Uffler speaking.

Were you on the bed when it levitated?

So you're saying he's living in your refrigerator?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. You know what?

Can I put you on hold for a second?

I'm gonna go to my desk and take this call there.

Yes. Now, don't let him out.

Okay. Hold on.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

Here's something interesting.

Ay, yi, yi.

Malt sent you for the tree this year, didn't he? I forgot.

I found it in Montana.

Now, the second I see this tree,

I know that it's too big to fit on the truck.

Then I think, what if someone else sees the same tree

while I'm out trying to find something

that will fit on the truck?

Then Malt...

gets the second-biggest Christmas tree in America,

and I'm screwed.

Yeah, well, that's good thinking.

So I cut the top off.

You did that?

How was I supposed to know it was gonna be such a major problem

to put the top part of the tree back onto the bottom?

He is never gonna fire you, Huey.

Look at the walls. Look, look at the walls.

He's got millions of dollars tied up in that dog,

and the dog belongs to you.

Hold on to that dog, Huey.

What?

Driscoll? Driscoll!

Driscoll! Come in here!

We're going together, Sparky.

"Dear Mr. Quinlan, I'm a great admirer of your... prose

and can tell you have a sensitive nature.

I have had an angel named... Michael...

living with me for almost six months now.

He's extremely polite.

I have enclosed a photograph to prove to you

that I have not lost my wits.

I know that you and Sparky travel all over

reporting on your stories.

That one about the coconut with the wedding ring inside

was very, very nice,

and I think you should visit Iowa..."

and see us for yourself.

Sincerely, Pansy Milbank."

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Did your mother drop you?

What was going on in that pea brain

that lets you take this superb creation of the Lord Almighty

and chop it in half?!

Whatever I'm paying you, it's too much!

How much does Fred make?

What, the janitor? Oh, Mr. Malt,

look, I cannot survive on a janitor's salary, that--

Kill the dog.

Quinlan, did someone invite you to this meeting?

Take him outside and let him go on the highway.

Wait a minute--

What kind of person are you?

Who is this?

This is miss Dorothy Winters. She works here.

I do? I got the job?

Yes! You won't regret this, Mr. Malt.

Do you know what that is?

That is an angel.

That is a genuine angel.

Huey discovered it.

Is this for real?

Absolutely.

Well you're gonna go get me this angel.

That's exactly what we're going to do.

We'll put it on the front page, bold.

Some white fluffy clouds...

There you go.

A drift of sky...

You got it.

And some musical notes!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah!

Poetry.

Don't play with me, Quinlan.

You really are gonna go and fetch me this angel for Christmas,

or...

I fire the two of you,

and I keep the dog. Yeah?

Deal.

Have a little conference with my colleague.

You cannot live on Fred's salary. You cannot.

That's a deal.

Don't you worry about a thing, Mr. Malt.

We'll leave tomorrow.

We're taking Sparky with us.

And you're taking Miss Winters.

They are?

Why are we taking her?

She's an expert.

In what?

Angels.

Miss Winters is an expert in angels.

I have something to tell you.

I won't be taking care of you anymore.

Your parents will find someone else and...

stop looking at me like that.

I have this wonderful new job.

Only problem is, I have to pretend to be an angel expert

for a few days on this trip.

It'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

And so will you.

Good dogs.

Good dogs.

Have you ever had an encounter with an angel?

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

Have you ever met an angel?

Yeah, once.

I got a flat tire

on the side of a deserted country road.

There was no food, no water, 108 degrees temperature,

and a man in a white robe

suddenly appeared on the horizon

with a spare and a jack.

You're kidding.

Yes, I am.

Bradley used to tease.

Who is Bradley?

My ex-husband.

Oh-ho. You better watch it, Quinlan.

I think we should start over.

You know, when something isn't going well,

it's best just to start over.

I'll go first.

Okay.

Where'd you get Sparky?

Oh, no.

He comes up to Huey in a parking lot one day.

Huey was eating a donut,

and he's trying to kick the-- trying to kick him away.

You were trying to kick the dog?

I wasn't trying to kick him.

I was trying to shoo him away very gently.

When Malt comes out the door, he looks at the dog,

he stops dead in his tracks.

It turns out that Malt was once a child

who had had a dog just like that one.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Anyway, Malt's eyes get all teary,

and he pours out this story all about his dog Sparky,

which ended up underneath a tractor tire!

And you know what Huey did?

Huey turns to Malt, and he says,

"Mr. Malt, that is amazing!

This dog's name is Sparky, too!"

Oh, in no time at all, the dog is famous.

He's got his own column.

He must've saved Huey's neck 100 times.

Milk Bottle Motel. Here, here, here, here!

Milk Bottle Motel!

Looks like your angel checked out.

Somebody's here.

Mrs. Milbank?

Mrs. Milbank, I'm Frank Quinlan

from the National Mirror.

About your letter?

Um...

this is my associate Mr. Hugh Driscoll.

How--how are you?

And this is Dorothy Winters,

who is an expert in... various things.

And this is...

Sparky.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, you're just as handsome as in the pictures!

Aww...

Oh, I think he's cold.

Well, I wouldn't know why not.

We better get him inside. Oh...

Sparky, here you are.

Oh!

Mmm. What's that wonderful smell?

You must be baking.

Well, it was nice of you to come.

Ohh!

Mrs. Milbank?

Don't shake me, Mr. Quinlan!

I'm contemplating my death.

Are you with the angel?

Do you see an angel?

I don't think I do.

Then how could I be with him?

Well, we don't know exactly how it works with angels.

"How it works"?

If he's in the room, then you're with him.

If he's somewhere else,

then you're not.

And that's why we can't see him now.

He's not here.

Are you impaired in some way that I haven't noticed, miss?

Miss Winters has probably never heard of an angel living in a motel.

You think I'm full of shit.

No, no, nothing like that.

I... I don't judge these things, Mrs. Milbank.

It's not for me to decide what's real and what's not.

I've seen too many things myself.

We once heard there was a werewolf in South Jersey.

We went there.

To locate the, uh, werewolf.

Yeah. In that particular case,

that person was...

utterly convinced that the werewolf was in the room with us.

They could see it, although Mr. Quinlan and myself...

We couldn't see the werewolf,

but that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

Michael!

Michael? Are you coming down, dear?

Yeah.

Be right down.

Just gotta find my smokes.

They're beside the bed, next to my cortisone.

Did you find them?

He'll be down directly.

That smell is so familiar.

It's like something from childhood.

Ohh...

Michael, look who's come to visit us.

It's Sparky.

How do you do?

You'll have to excuse Michael.

He's not good at suffering fools,

but he'll be better in the morning.

It's freezing!

Where is the thermostat in here?

Are we talking about an angel here?

We can't be talking about an angel.

There is no...

such thing as an angel.

That is definitely the weirdest thing I have ever seen.

It's like some great big bird

made love to that guy's mother.

Yes! Qu--Quinlan and we-- we reap the benefits!

I'm set for life!

I mean, I could even get a raise!

I thank you! Thank you, Jesus!

What?

That is not an angel.

It is too!

It is not!

I will handle this.

Where... has he been?

Meaning what?

Meaning if he were a man with wings,

which is the alternative here,

we would've heard about him.

He didn't just show up at his age with wings.

There would've been a story about him in the papers.

In the National Mirror.

Exactly. "Baby born with wings."

Yeah, "Birdman of Iowa."

It is not angel versus man with wings.

There are other possibilities.

Like what?

It's fairly obvious, isn't it?

He's a younger man. She's an older woman.

He's after her money.

A gigolo with wings?

A gigolo!

What money is he after?

The Milk Bottle Motel fortune?

You don't have to have money to have someone try to take it away from you.

Lord! Oh...

is it so hard for you to imagine

that a man would be after a woman's money?

Is this, uh,

is this Britely or Brinkley or whatever, what's his name?

Bradley.

Is this Bradley we're talking about here?

Actually, no. It's Myles.

Who's Myles?

My second husband.

Ah.

Myles was a wild man. It only lasted a week.

You left him?

No. He left me in my Camaro.

Ahh!

I see.

I'll bet he racked up 5,000 dollars on your Visa bill, too, didn't he?

Didn't he?

Oh, you just know everything, don't you?

Angels don't smoke!

I'm going to sleep.

Goodnight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

That is a horrible expression.

It is not... an expression.

Ooh, is that good?

Oh.

Oh, you're so hungry.

Oh, boy.

Aww...

Good boy.

Oh, what a sweet doggy.

Oh!

How would you like your eggs, Mr. Quinlan?

Oh, Sparky's look good.

Over easy!

You know, last night we were discussing your wings.

Would you mind if I took a closer look?

Let them look at your wings, Michael.

They're from the National Mirror.

Thank you.

- They're not bad. - Compared to what?

Well, I--I've see--I've seen birds.

- Would you mind if I touched-- - Oh!

I'd rather you didn't.

Hey, well, um...

We'd just like to--like to take a look

to see how you have these things attached.

Why don't you pull on your pecker

and see how that's attached?

Watch your language, mister.

Pecker.

An angel that says "pecker."

Language, gentlemen!

And how would you like your eggs, miss?

Is there something in the oven? The smell is so delicious.

We are serving eggs this morning, and that's that.

Over easy would be just fine.

Over easy!

I thought angels were...

cleaner.

She doesn't mean to offend.

- Yeah. - It's--it's...

Yeah. Miss Winters is an angel expert,

and she gets kind of...

literal.

What she probably wants to know is...

can you fly?

I do not want to know if he can fly.

I know he can't fly.

Only little angels can fly because their wingspan--

Says who?

I just thought...

- Halos? - Yes.

- Inner light? - Yes.

I'm not that kinda angel.

What kind of angel are you?

Michael is an archangel.

He battled Lucifer

and threw him out of Heaven.

Revelation 12, verse seven.

That was a long time ago.

He smote a bank for me!

A bank?

I knew it. Money was involved, wasn't it?

Oh, I should say so.

- After Elmer died-- - Who's Elmer?

My husband.

After he died, they built the highway

and stole all my truckers.

And then the bank came to take the Milk Bottle,

and I prayed for help

until God sent me Michael.

Well, she was persistent.

You came... down

and smote the bank?

Eh, a branch.

First Iowa Bank of Commerce.

It was lovely.

He walked into the manager's office and said--

What was that you said?

Moneychanger!

Moneychanger!

I shall turneth this earthly den

into a parking lot!

Come on. Did I say that?

I didn't say that.

They didn't believe us,

so Michael flattened it.

You did that?

- Had to. - Into a parking lot?

Mm.

Well, they said it was a tornado.

This town doesn't really need a parking lot,

but it's, uh, more, uh... cosmopolitan.

And what about the money?

We never heard another word about it, did we?

Nope.

You look like you must eat a robust breakfast.

How would you like your eggs?

Poached?

Uh, that's--poa--poached is fine.

Poached.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

Look, she's--

she's happier where she is, right?

Heaven?

She's happier up there, right?

It isn't my area.

You hardly knew her.

She died cooking us breakfast.

She died making breakfast.

What is it that you keep writing in that book?

Lyrics.

To what?

I write country-western songs.

It's my hobby.

Earth to earth,

ashes to ashes,

and dust to dust.

Lord bless and keep you

and give you peace.

Justine? It's Quinlan.

Put me straight through.

What you got?

Wings.

Real wings.

Don't play with me, Quinlan.

This guy is about six feet tall,

and his wings

reach from his shoulders to his knees.

He's filthy, though. We're gonna have to clean him up

and put him in a white robe.

Get Craddock to dig up some of those sandals.

You know, the ones with those straps that go up your legs.

It's too bad he's not blond, though, right?

Angels is supposed to be blond.

But Oprah, Barbara,

The Today Show, Hard Copy,

book the works.

Then let's don't mess this one up.

I want that guy on the first plane to Chicago.

Or does the birdman fly himself?

I don't know if he actually uses the wings,

but, God, wouldn't that be a draw?

Anyway, don't worry, he's in safe hands.

Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England.

Don't fret, Malt.

He's in safe hands.

In view of this development, should we call the girl off?

No, no. Leave her where she is.

I'm in a no-lose situation.

Hey-ya, Mike.

Michael.

Have you, um...

have you ever seen

the world's biggest ball of twine?

No.

Listen, we have to get back.

I once saw the world's biggest cannonball.

Mesopotamia.

I wonder if it's still there.

Mesopotamia isn't still there.

Nothing lasts.

Listen, I have to ask a favor.

Huey and I, we're on a little bit of a losing streak.

Quit.

We can't quit. He's got a mortgage.

He's got three kids in a soccer camp.

He's got a wife.

God knows he loves her,

but she's burning a hole in his pocket.

And I...

well...

Love to fight. Like me.

We'll drive.

Where?

Chicago. That's where you want to go, isn't it?

- Yes! - Yeah. I know.

That's why I wrote you.

You wrote? I thought...

Yeah. My idea.

Ah.

Why are we driving?

I mean, why don't we fly?

I mean, all of us,

together, in a plane.

Ho! Hey!

It's safer, much safer.

Nobody believes it,

but, statistically, it's true,

and the paper will pay.

Nope. We need time.

Time for what?

Smokes.

Smokes. Ah.

Besides... I will get to see

the world's largest ball of twine.

- It's on the way. - Great. Great.

On one condition, you will owe me something.

Money. Yeah. I can't quote a figure,

but there will be plenty of money,

I promise you that,

once the world sees pictures of these babies.

No.

You will owe me an apology.

An apology for what?

Oh, yeah, sure. I apologize.

- Whatever. - Not now. When I say so.

And no pictures.

No pictures? Are you kidding me?

Not until we get to Chicago.

Deal?

Deal.

Hmm...

Hmm.

I like your coat better.

It's yours.

The world's biggest ball of twine

is less than two hours from here.

I would like to see it before the sun sets.

Michael, they are going to exploit you.

You have to know that.

I'm going.

Well, I'm not, for your sake.

Yes, you are,

or I'll have to tell them the truth about you.

What?

I know why you're here,

and it has nothing to do with angels.

How do you know?

I pay attention.

Also...

I would like you to sing.

- A song? - Of course.

Fine. I'll sing.

Now?

No.

When I tell you to.

In financial news,

hog futures are down a quarter in Chicago

and selling down an eighth in Sioux City.

Hog futures.

What?

Hog futures are down a quarter.

Hey. What's the opposite of white?

Black.

Wrong. Yolk.

What?

What is that, like, an egg joke?

Hey, Michael, when we stop to eat,

are you gonna put your coat back on?

Why?

Your wings, Michael.

People are gonna see your wings.

Are you afraid they'll think less of you?

No.

Just they won't know what to think, you know?

A lot of people aren't as sophisticated as me and Huey.

Oh.

You know, we don't want any trouble.

We ju--we just wanna get to Chicago.

Mm-hmm.

He's worried that somebody will see you and try to steal his story.

I am not worried.

Yes, you are worried.

Hey! Hey! Look what Pansy left us.

Car Bingo.

Oh. Dig the propaganda.

"The miles will fly,

and your children won't cry

if you play...

Car Bingo."

All right. Everybody gets one.

Here we go. Hand 'em out.

- So, what do we do? - Here are the pencils.

Instead of writing down a number,

you write down what you see on your trip.

Okay.

Dog. One point for me.

- Oh, wait, no, no. That's not fair. - Hey!

You've--you've played this before.

It's not fair to me. I'm driving.

Deal with it. Bird on a wire.

Picket fence.

Policeman.

Where?

Ah, that was good.

Oh-ho.

Oh. You gotta learn to laugh.

It's the way to true love.

"The world's largest ball of twine

has a circumference of 45 feet."

What's the excuse?

Well, it's just gonna take a little longer than we thought

because we have to stay off the main highway.

Fly.

He won't fly.

Why?

Because he can't fit in coach seats.

His wings take too much space.

Wanna pay first class?

Drive.

"Eventually, it was transported here.

There is enough twine to stock 5,000 hardware stores..."

Battle.

We'll be there. Don't worry.

What can happen, you know?

Trust me. Nothing.

Michael?

Don't fret, Malt.

Quinlan!

Michael!

Michael!

What are you doing!?

Battle!

Michael.

Michael.

Michael, you know what that is?

Battle!

Michael. Don't.

Michael!

Michael.

I am completely happy.

Are you all right?

- Whoo! - Can you feel your legs?

Whooo.

No injuries. 6,360 battles.

Can you sit up?

Of course I can sit up.

Ah. Now that...

that is my nature.

Yes.

I am a grass roller,

but I'm doomed to live in one place

and crave the pleasures of another.

But don't you feel sorry for me, no.

Why would we feel sorry for you?

Because this is my last blast.

Twenty-six. That's all we get.

Thank you, Quinlan.

For what?

I think he's saying there's no sex in Heaven.

Is that what he's saying?

You know, it's really not polite

to talk about someone in the third person

when that person is here.

I know. I'm very sorry. Sparky!

What do you mean...

"last blast"?

Only so many visits allowed.

I'm gonna miss everything so much.

Ooh...

Mmm!

Why are you here?

Why are you saying it has anything to do with me?

The sun was having an argument with the north wind,

who was smarter, who was stronger.

The north wind pointed out a man walking down the street.

"I bet I can make that man take off his coat, and you can't."

"I'll take that bet," said the sun.

The north wind blew and blew and blew,

and the more that wind blew,

the tighter that man held that coat around himself.

And then the sun came out and smiled,

and it became warmer.

The man took off his coat.

What is that supposed to mean?

Did you make a bet about me?

Well, I had to get back here somehow.

Hey, watch the wings there, buddy.

That's not how you eat a lemon.

How do you eat a lemon?

Cut it in half...

put salt on it.

That is how you eat a lemon.

That's how you eat a lemon.

Oh, is this a rule?

Hey.

Hey to you, too.

Thank you.

Do you have pie?

Do you have pie?

No.

I'm a writer, too.

Oh, really?

What did you write?

"Psalm 85."

It wasn't called "Psalm 85" when I wrote it.

I had no idea they were gonna be collected and numbered.

Yeah. Yeah.

It was right around the time

I invented standing in line.

- You invented standing in line? - Mm-hm.

Before that, everybody just milled around.

It was a mess.

So one day I said, "Why not make a line?"

A line for what?

To get in.

Why don't you ask him what you wanna know?

What do I wanna know?

He wants to know why angels don't solve big problems.

That is what I wanna know.

Why don't angels solve big problems?

You can't change the nature of the world.

What can you do?

Small miracles. Only so many.

Some angels aren't so smart.

They use them up in stupid ways.

Like the parking space angel?

Ah...

I don't like to criticize other angels.

I'll, uh, be with you in a minute.

Yup.

This is how you eat a lemon.

Hey.

Excuse me.

They want me.

Now, remember what John and Paul said.

The Apostles?

No. The Beatles.

All you need is love.

Hello, ladies.

Do you believe in angels?

Absolutely.

Have you ever, ever heard of an angel

that was interested in sex?

'Course not.

Angels do not have sex.

But is there one?

And I suppose he invented standing in line.

Sparky,

I'm gonna take you for a walk.

Let's go.

Follow me, ladies.

Awoo!

I invented the hole in the coffee cup, you know.

When you get coffee to go,

I was the first person

to rip that little hole in the lid

so you could--could drink it in the car.

Could've made a fortune.

It's weird.

What?

She's an angel expert, but...

what?

Battle!

Come on!

God's sake. Michael.

Stop.

Hey. You.

Battle.

You'd better believe it.

Over here!

It's caramels.

He smells like caramels.

It's cotton candy.

It's cookies.

He smells like cookies,

and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.

Eee-yah!

You're a great fighter.

I certainly am.

I'm cold.

My head hurts.

You folks from the National Mirror?

I've got a two-headed chicken in my yard,

if you're interested.

What are we being held for?

Destruction of property,

assault, battery,

and disturbing the peace.

Magistrate'll be here in the morning.

Your honor, I didn't have anything to do with this.

Goodnight.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

We have a phone call coming to us.

Hey.

Wah-yaaah.

Yah! Woo woo-woo.

Ralph got thrown in jail,

but at least he had the decency to keep me out of it.

I don't wanna spend the night here.

I hate you.

- What? You hate me? - Not you.

- You hate me? - Not you.

Process of elimination.

Who is Ralph?

Another husband...

has popped up.

Maybe Sparky can get us out.

Hey.

Sparky?

Go in the drawer and get the key.

Sparky.

Go in the drawer

and get the key.

Dorothy can make him do it.

Dorothy's good with dogs.

I have noticed this.

Dogs don't talk.

They don't shave.

They don't run off in your Camaro.

When you want them to take a bath,

you just make an appointment, you know?

Sit.

Stay.

Roll over.

No.

Now.

What?

Apologize.

Say you're sorry.

To her?

Be serious.

Or...

I'm not going to...

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it...

okay?

Dorothy.

You cold?

Here. Take my blanket, okay?

I'm going to sleep.

Me, too.

All rise, all rise.

The court of Bickle County is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Esther Newberg presiding.

Please rise.

Be seated.

Now...

you are charged with...

disturbing the peace,

destruction of property--

Twelve hundred dollars-worth.

I know. I spoke to Jenny.

Who's, uh, Jenny?

That's his wife.

She told me that sweet, little painting above the bar,

uh, two moose hunters in a canoe,

smashed to smithereens.

That is so sad.

- Yep. - Isn't this a conflict of interest?

Did I say you could speak?

I know someone who can restore paintings.

I told Jenny, "Stop crying.

I will take care of it."

Now...

who can tell me exactly what happened la--

last night?

I can.

Anyone else?

We were having dinner--

Not you.

If I may--

Put your hand down.

You.

Please.

In chambers.

All rise, all rise.

The court of Bickle County,

Judge Esther Newberg presiding,

is now in recess.

Please rise.

"Nothing you can sing that can't be sung."

Come on, sing!

Come on, fellas.

Bring it down.

Hey! Wait a minute.

Wait, wait. Meadsboro, one mile.

So?

So that's where the world's largest non-stick frying pan is.

Oh, no, Michael.

We are not stopping

to see the world's largest non-stick frying pan.

Why not?

Because we have to get back.

Well, me, too,

but before that happens,

I would like to see the world's largest non-stick frying pan.

It is on the way.

Every time we stop somewhere,

he gets us in trouble.

Yes, but he also gets us out of trouble.

Huey!

What?

Well, he does!

I mean, look, that-- that judge just took one look at him and--

What is that?

What is it about you?

What?

As a woman, could you-- could you explain that to me?

How should I know? I'm not the least bit attracted to him.

No offense, Michael, but I'm not.

I put a block on you.

Oh, sure.

I did.

All right, to continue...

"Presumably...

this frying pan was coated with Teflon

to save a wee bit on the amount of cholesterol

ingested by the town of Meadsboro every year

when they get together to honor...

- the egg." - Michael, we're not stopping.

You have 10 seconds to change your mind.

Ten-hippopotamus.

Nine-hippopotamus.

Eight-hippopotamus.

How much more attractive is he than--than I am?

Seven-hippopotamus.

Be honest with me.

- Six-hippopotamus. - Huey, this is not healthy.

Five-hippopotamus

Four-hippopotamus.

Three, two, one!

There's no jack!

Of course there is no jack!

Just ask him to fix it.

He blew it, he can fix it!

Fix this tire! Come back here this instant

and fix this tire!

No can do.

I miss my wife.

I don't miss any of my husbands.

Although Bradley was handy with a jack.

He had to be.

I don't wanna ask why.

His tires were bald.

His tires were bald.

So was his head.

I wish he'd call, but now he's dead.

He's not dead, and he wasn't bald.

Poetic license.

Maybe you could write a song about my wife.

Do you love her?

Oh-ho.

- Hey, she drives me wild. - Mmm.

What about her?

She had her lips done.

Had little bits of fat

squeezed into them.

Now my wife has lips like a blowfish...

but in a good way.

Mmm.

I--I don't see it,

but you know, I could be wrong.

If I had any talent as a country singer,

I wouldn't be sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

Sounds awfully familiar.

Mmm. But it's good, though.

This is one godforsaken road.

I'll bet you no one ever comes down it.

Yeah, well, they won't stop, though.

Hi there.

Bet you need a jack.

I spun around,

and the next thing that happened was he came as 100 mouths,

open and stinking with decay,

and he tore at my flesh from every angle of Heaven.

So I grabbed Beelzebub's blue tongue in my fist.

Whoa, man.

Who's Beelzebub?

Beelzebub is Satan.

Oh.

Satan.

Michael, get in the car.

What'll it be, folks?

Do you have pie?

Do we have pie?

Buddy, you're in the pie capital of America.

Well, we want...

we want pie.

What have you got?

I got 'em memorized. Okay, ready?

We got apple, of course,

banana cream, coconut cream,

sour cream raisin.

- We got-- - Chocolate cream?

Definitely chocolate cream.

And...

strawberry-rhubarb pie

and cherry

and lemon meringue...

We want two slices of everything.

And vanilla ice cream on the side.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Mmm. Chocolate. Mm, oh! Oh.

Ahh. Bliss.

Bliss.

That's banana cream and that's coconut cream.

Everybody get out of my banana cream pie.

Mmm.

That's--that's the pie.

What is--what is this pie?

This is sour cream-raisin. very underrated pie.

Lemon meringue pie.

This is the key lime.

Mm-mmm. Lemon meringue.

What is it about pie?

It's pretty, you know?

There's nothing prettier than pie,

with the little scalloped edges around the sides

and little slits in the top for the heat to escape.

Pie gives you the sense

that you're a four-square person

living in a four-square country.

Well, pie says home.

As American as apple pie.

I wish I invented pie.

I did.

I'm just kidding.

That was a good one.

God's in his Heaven, and all's right with the world.

Mmm. My mother made a great...

Blueberry pie.

Yes.

So do I.

I have to say I like cream pie

more than fruit pie.

Me too.

That is so wrong.

I like 'em all.

- I like you. - Mmm.

Dorothy...

sing your song about pie.

You have a song about pie?

Actually, I do.

Sing, Dorothy.

Now.

That's great.

Sing another song.

Ohh.

It's, um, it's in b-flat.

It's pretty basic, but watch out for the retard down there, okay?

Oh.

Hi.

I'm nervous.

Oh, this is, um--

you'll have to forgive me, it's a--it's a work in progress.

Don't apologize, Dorothy.

Okay.

Okay.

One, two.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

And then... when I went to college, I was published.

- You were published? - Yeah, I was published.

I mean, well, kind--well, it was, you know, it was like a yearly thing.

Poems, you know?

Yeah, that's great.

That's great.

Yeah. That's really great.

Ahh, it's cold out.

Yeah.

I'm in there. This is Huey's room.

Where are you?

I'm in four.

Where is that?

It's up there.

- Where exactly? - On the corner.

- On the corner right there? - Mm-hm.

Directly over my room?

Uh...

mm-hmm.

Um...

you were great.

Really great.

Um...

It was...

Goodnight.

Yeah. Goodnight.

It was...

What are--what are-- what are you doing tonight?

Not much.

Do you wanna come to my room?

Why don't you come to mine?

That's...

that's a good idea.

I have to tell you something.

I know.

- I'm not-- - Ever falling in love with anyone again.

I know.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Come on, Sparky. Come on.

Come on.

Yes.

Wings?

Far out!

Some angel.

I needed the job.

Good morning.

What exactly are we talking about here?

At the paper. That's what I was trying to tell you last night.

That's why I'm here.

I don't make excuses for working there.

There's no reason for you to.

Here's a confession.

You wanna hear a confession?

Yours?

I needed the job, too.

No one would go near me

after what happened at the Tribune.

What did happen?

Oh.

I hit the managing editor.

Why?

He fired this really sweet old guy who'd been there for, like, 27 years.

Really?

Nope.

He changed my lead.

You hit him...

because he changed your lead?

No.

It was late. I was drunk.

Oh, I see it, it makes no difference where I work.

That's what I call a lie. I bet you have a half-finished novel

in the second drawer of your desk.

She got the desk.

Are you keeping something from me?

I'm not ethical.

Just because you write about angels

for a supermarket tabloid?

Are you keeping some angel experience from me?

If you are, I forgive you.

Think I could forgive you anything.

This was not a mistake. Don't say that you think this was a mistake.

I couldn't bear it.

It's going well.

It's a difficult case, though,

to give a man back his heart.

Mmm.

Listen.

Ohh... listen to the earth.

Mmm.

I'm gonna miss everything so much.

You gotta remember, Sparky,

no matter what they tell you,

you can never have too much sugar.

Dorothy.

Quinlan.

Good morning, Michael.

Good morning, Sparky.

Sparky, no!

No!

Ohh!

Oh, he's all right. He's all right.

Ohh!

He's all right.

No.

Ohh.

Oh, I killed him.

It's not your fault.

It's all my fault.

I'm so sorry, Huey.

I'm so sorry.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Do something.

It isn't my area.

What is your area? Explain it to me.

Somebody tell me exactly what is his area?

I don't know anything about his area.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

What?

I don't know anything about angels.

I'm a dog trainer. That's why I was hired.

To train Sparky?

- And then-- - Then after...

we screw up with the angel, and Malt gets the dog...

I get Huey's job.

I didn't know you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Now bring him back to life.

And don't give me any of that "it isn't my area" stuff.

Bring him back to life

or go back where you came from.

Bring him back...

angel.

I don't have much longer.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

We're here, Michael. We're here.

Michael, look up.

"The Sears Tower in Chicago is the world's tallest building.

It stands 1,454 feet above street level,

contains enough concrete for an eight-lane highway."

Ohh.

Ohh.

Ahh.

Quinlan, I'm so sorry.

I didn't do what I came for.

I didn't finish.

I'm so sorry.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Michael.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for letting me have a little fun.

Good-bye, my battling friend.

Good-bye, world's biggest angel.

Godspeed.

You're late.

We know.

Where's the angel?

Yeah, it was a hoax.

A hoax?

- A hoax. - Definitely a hoax.

He had detachable wings.

And a halo made out of pipe cleaners.

And he smelled of cookies.

Just kidding.

So, I win.

You're fired,

and I get the dog.

Come here, Sparky.

Come on, my little sausage.

You come to your daddy.

Come on--ow!

Bastard!

Sparky, come on.

Listen, Sparky--

Sparky!

Don't hate me. I love you--ow!

Oh, gee.

Hey, listen, get the mutt out, will you?

Oh, right. Like that dog could be gotten out,

like that dog can do anything.

That is the worst dog I think I've ever met.

I thought you said you could train any dog.

She was wrong.

Are you saying I'm stuck with these two because of a dog?

You're stuck with Mr. Driscoll, not with me.

We met a guy with a two-headed chicken outside of Cedar Rapids.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, where are you going?

Hey! Quinlan!

Hey! Hey, Quinlan!

Where are you going?

Ah! Hey! Get off of me!

Come--get--get back!

Listen, Quinlan, forget what I said. Don't--

don't take it personally.

You're the best reporter I have.

I'm outta here.

Hey!

So you're just gonna leave?

- Yup. - You don't want to talk about it?

Nope.

Hey, come on, talk to me, eh?

Well, disagree with me. Argue me out of it.

All right, let's have a fight.

Come on, fight me, eh?

Hey, Quinlan, you're the only one that ever fought with me here.

Who am I going to fight with?

You got to help me out here.

It isn't my area.

Wait!

I'm sorry.

Please stop.

Please stop and talk to me.

I appreciate what you said up there. I thank you.

I'll see you around.

You said...

you said you could forgive me anything.

I forgive you.

We had a good time.

What are you so upset about?

Oh.

It's you.

I remember you.

I thought you were gone.

Come on in, Rhoda.

Uh, good evening. Buona sera.

Um, for our specialties tonight, we--we have angel hair pasta

uh, with a pomodoro sauce,

uh, cappellini primavera, it's a mélange of vegetables

over angel hair pasta,

and finally, a light sauce with lemon and parsley

it's tossed with angel hair pasta.

Anything else?

Yes, we want one pumpkin nut muffin,

and...

a piece of angel food cake.

They don't have angel food cake, do you?

No.

So, did you ever tell anyone about, uh...

I was going to.

Oh, I couldn't wait to get home to tell Valerie.

And then I opened my mouth,

and the words wouldn't come out.

I take a breath, I-I-I even opened my mouth a second time.

Nothin'.

As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.

Oh, but we saw it.

- We were there. - It never happened.

So what are you up to, now?

I'm back on the novel.

If it didn't happen, where's your raincoat?

"If it--" what is this? "If it happened?"

If it happened, you know what?

Then I've gotta believe that someday

I'm gonna be walking down the street

and some unknown force is going to make me turn right

instead of turning left,

and, at that moment, a car is going to come around the corner

with the woman of my dreams in it

and blow a flat--

Right there, next to where I'm standing.

No.

It never happened.

You need any help?

No, thanks.

No, we're cool.

Michael!

Michael, wait!

Ohh!

What are you doing here?

I live here. I live two blocks from here.

I was on my way home and...

I thought I saw...

He came around this corner.

That corner.

I love you, Dorothy.

I love you.

Marry me.

No.

Marry me, please?

No.

Marry me, Dorothy.

No.

Oh, my darling Dorothy, will you marry me?

Yes. Yes.

Let's go home.

You know, Pansy, I invented marriage.

Michael.

Well, I did.

Before that, you should have seen it.

Everybody was so mixed up, they didn't know what to do.

So I said, "Have a ceremony."

Hmm.

Let's go home.

Do you smell something?

There's a bakery near here.