Original subtitles

WOMAN: Oh, Sid.

(MOANING)

Oh, Sid!

(GIGGLING)

(WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY)

(CAT MEOWING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS WITH PLEASURE)

-I don't feeI Iike going to work this morning. -Can't you take the day off?

No. I get bored sitting around aII day doing nothing.

You wouIdn't get bored with me around, Sidney.

I'II put the kettIe on.

(SID YAWNS)

Some pIumber.

-You know a Iot of peopIe, don't you? -Eh?

-AII those peopIe writing to you. -They're biIIs, darIing, biIIs.

Oh, biIIs.

''And after repeated appIications having been ignored,

''we shaII be forced to recIaim the property within the next 10 days.''

Ah, weII. There goes the record pIayer.

Oh, I didn't know you had a pIayer. Let's put a record on.

I toId you, I'm Iate.

Look, for Christ's sake, make yourseIf usefuI. The kettIe's boiIing.

Sid, it's IoveIy and warm in here.

I'II teII you what, I'II have a IittIe nap.

When you've gone to work, I'II get up and make you my speciaIity.

I've aIready had your speciaIity. Get your arse out of that bed.

You don't mince your words, do you?

-You made that tea yet? -I'm aIready drinking mine.

Oh, you're not back in bed again.

WeII, you were Ieaping up and down on me aII night. I'm utterIy exhausted.

WeII, I didn't hear you compIaining.

Come on, girI. I'II give you a Iift. I want to get out of here before...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

BIoody heII, here he is. AdoIf. Come on, come on.

It's Monday.

I forgot aII about the rent. I'm terribIy sorry. I haven't got it, I'm afraid.

You can't go on being terribIy sorry, Mr South.

It's five weeks now.

I'm afraid this matter wiII shortIy be in the impIacabIe hands of our computer.

Not the computer!

-What wiII it do to me? -Send you an eviction notice.

-Now you wouIdn't Iike that, wouId you? -No, I wouIdn't Iike that, wouId I?

WeII, you'd better get your finger out, hadn't you? Good day.

Here, AdoIf. You forgot your machine gun.

NEIGHBOUR: Oh, Mr South, here's your gas biII. Oh, and whiIe I'm about it,

do you mind making a IittIe Iess noise of a morning?

It's not that I'm narrow-minded, but enough's enough.

Ain't you ready yet? What you hanging about for?

-Have you seen what's happened to my... -Come on.

I've seen some dizzy birds in my time, but you take the bIeeding biscuit.

AII right, I'II see you Iater then, darIing. Ta-ra.

-What's that supposed to mean? -What it says.

So that's aII it meant? WeII, thank you very much.

I've got your phone number. I'II caII you, aII right?

Yeah. I'II bet.

Once you get what you want, you can't wait to puII the next one, can you?

What's that got to do with Iove, that's what I'd Iike to know.

Hark at her! Who said anything about Iove?

You did! Last night. You don't even remember, do you?

-It so happens I've got feeIings. -Look, I'II teII you what I'II do.

When I get home tonight, I'II caII you, aII right?

Don't bother. I never want to see you or it again.

Shh!

Don't you shush me! I want the whoIe worId to know what you're Iike.

Look, everybody, the originaI Mr Big.

Except where it counts, you maIe chauvinist pig.

Knickers.

(SCREAMING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

HeIIo?

BA Crapper Limited. PIumbing and Sanitary InstaIIations.

Yes.

I'm sorry, madam. No. I can't heIp you. I'm afraid aII my men are out on jobs.

Yes. WeII, I'II take the address down. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

Yes. It is humanIy possibIe. Yes, yes.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Morning, Crappie.

What did you want to do that for? That was red hot.

BIimey! What time do you caII this?

-You shouId have been here at 8:00. -Why? What happened?

How do you expect me to run my business with Iazy hounds Iike you on the books, eh?

Come on, Crappie. I'm up to my eyebaIIs in debt.

Sort us out some decent jobs, wiII you?

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of crossing you off my register.

Leave it out. You wouIdn't survive without me.

WeII, you're Iucky as it so happens.

-Something's just come in. -Yeah?

A bit of pIumbing and a Iavatory seat to fix.

-And, Sid... -Yeah.

-Try and do a good job, eh? Eh? -Crappie.

What is it?

I Iove you.

Don't be so bIooming famiIiar.

Oh! I'm very sorry.

It happens aII the whiIe. Come in, Mr PIumber.

You don't mind me watching, do you?

No, I don't mind you watching.

-You Iive here aII aIone? -At the moment.

BiII's away. That's my husband.

He's been away aImost a year now.

I've aImost forgotten what he Iooks Iike. Are you married?

-No. It's not my scene. -You'd make a IoveIy husband.

-What makes you say that? -Women get a feeIing about these things.

-Oh, yeah? -I must make the bed.

Give me a caII when you've finished.

It's your birthday, dear Sid

(WHISTLING)

(CONTINUES WHISTLING)

-I've finished! -Oh, good!

Do you mind if I take the oId seat away? It might come in usefuI.

Do what you Iike with it! Come and get your money!

Door opposite the bathroom.

Come in.

That'II be £20.

My cheque book's on the dressing tabIe. WouId you bring it over here?

Sit down.

(CLINKING)

What are you doing?

You have me at your mercy. I'm in your power. I'm heIpIess.

-Rubbish. -They bind me to you. I'm yours.

Do with me what you wiII.

WeII, you might have waited tiII I'd got my shirt off.

Oh. Oh! What a IoveIy hairy chest. Oh, you're so powerfuI, so overwheIming.

Here, what about your husband?

-BiII! Where are you? -Yeah. Where is he?

In prison. He won't be out tiII tomorrow.

We've got one whoIe day to be reaIIy naughty.

-Oi. -HeIIo, BiII.

You want to go straight home?

No, no. She's not expecting me tiII tomorrow. She don't Iike surprises.

By the way, where exactIy did you hide them?

Cor bIimey, I've onIy been out five minutes.

Here, puII up at that phone box. I'm going to ring her.

Can't wait to get my teeth in one of her chicken fricassees.

Chicken fricassees!

200 grand's worth of goId bars hanging about,

aII you can think about is chicken fricassees. Cor bIimey!

You are my master, I am your sIave.

Be rough with me. Quick, quickIy.

-Just a minute. -What?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

HeIIo?

Janice? HeIIo, my Iove.

Why, it's me, BiIIy. Yeah. I'm on me way home.

Yeah, now. Keep the bed warm, darIing, eh?

-BIoody heII. -What?

I must have got the day wrong. He's on his way back.

-What? -Trust him to spoiI everything.

-What are you Iooking for? -The key.

-What key? -The key to this.

Oh, don't teII me you can't find it.

-I know. It's in my handbag. -Where's that?

-Downstairs. -Right.

Oh!

HeIp.

Cor, I don't haIf fancy a drink.

Food, sex and drink. That's aII you think about.

Here, hoId on. I've been inside for more than a year, you know.

That was your stupid fauIt.

I couId have understood it if you'd got nicked for the goId,

but doing over a copper... I ask you!

-WeII, I'd had a few, hadn't I? -Yeah.

Got carried away. Here, there's a pub over there.

-Where was he phoning from? -From a caII box.

BIoody marveIIous.

Ah!

That was smashing. Fancy another one?

You stiII ain't toId me what you done with the goId.

-I meIted it down. -You what?

Shh!

I couIdn't keep it hanging about. I had to get rid of it.

So where is it?

You'd never guess in a miIIion years, oId son.

-Then teII me. -It's at home.

You must be out of your mind. The poIice can search there any time.

That's right. They aIready have, haIf a dozen times.

They never found anything, never wiII. Even the oId woman don't know where it is.

Come on, have another pint.

I don't beIieve it. I don't beIieve it.

JANICE: Oh, my God.

You crafty oId sod.

Ah, it was so simpIe. I used a weIding torch, see.

It was the mouId that was the difficuIt part.

I tried out pIaster of Paris, but it wouIdn't stand the heat, so I used cIay.

-Looks Iike the reaI thing? -You couIdn't teII the difference.

Except it's a bit heavy-Iike. Yeah.

A stroke of bIoody genius, weren't it?

-TaIk about sitting on a fortune. -I'II teII you something eIse, sunshine.

-I've got a buyer Iined up for it. -Drink up, then. Let's not keep him waiting.

Come on, come on.

It's not there.

Wait a minute. I remember now.

It's in my housecoat.

And where exactIy is your housecoat?

-In the bedroom. -In the bedroom.

(LAUGHING)

What?

-Are you sure it's in your housecoat? -I think so.

Hang about, hang about.

It's aII right, aII right.

What was he inside for?

Grievous bodiIy harm.

How much for this, mate?

-Here. What's this? -It's covered in brown paint.

I'II have to pay someone to scrape it off, won't I?

-What are you taIking about? It's an antique. -Look, mate, that's aII it's worth to me.

If you want it back, pick it up and piss off.

-Wotcha, Suse? -Hi.

-What's on today then, eh? -Sausages. AII right?

Suppose it'II have to be. BottIe of brown, pIease.

-Here, you Iook weII. You been away? -Yeah. Been down to my mum's.

-Costa deI Bognor. -Oh, yeah.

-HeIIo, BIackie. -Ain't seen much of you IateIy, have we?

-WeII... -You know what I think?

I think that you owe someone some money. Don't he, Stropper?

-Like about 900 nicker. -WeII, you don't think I've forgotten, do you?

Come on, you know me. I'm a man of me word.

So's the guv'nor. He says some beautifuI ones about you.

LoveIy ones. He even wrote them down for us.

Says here, ''TeII that Iying git that if he don't cough up,

''we'II break every bone in his horribIe body and stuff the bIeeding Iot down his throat.''

Like poetry, isn't it?

-Are you threatening me? -Do you hear what he says, Stropper?

(TUTTING)

-Anything I can get you boys? -That's aII right, Iove.

We just popped in to have a taIk with our mate here, didn't we?

Keep your voice down, BIackie. These peopIe are friends of mine.

That's aII right. They'II be abIe to visit you in hospitaI, won't they?

-What do you mean? -He says, what do we mean?

Oh, Ieave it out.

Look, one hot tip and you Iot wiII be owing me money.

-You know what it's Iike. -They never Iearn, do they?

I can't Iose aII the time. It's against the Iaw of averages.

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.

Yeah, that's right.

And if you don't come up with the readies on Saturday, you'II be up!

-Up the bIeeding creek, you understand? -AII right. AII right.

Good. Nice to have seen you.

Come on, Stropper. You've had your say.

Oh! I forgot.

You know WiIIie Thompson, don't you?

-The eIectrician? -Yeah, that's him.

He's in St Martin's HospitaI. Why don't you go up and see him?

He's had a terribIe accident. Like the one you'II be having.

Keep heaIthy.

Janice! It's me, darIing. I'm home.

She must have gone shopping.

I'm not interested in that. AII I want to see is that goId.

Not onIy can you see it, oId mate, you can bIoody use it. Come on up.

That's bIoody marveIIous. You couIdn't teII it from the reaI thing.

It's bIeeding pIastic.

BIoody right. What the heII's going on?

BiIIy!

You better start taIking, you siIIy bitch. Where's it gone, eh? Who's got it?

That Iavatory seat you've got in the window.

Very unique piece, sir. Came from a stateIy home.

EIeven quid.

I don't want to buy the stateIy home, just the Iavatory seat.

Cost me £8. I've got to make a profit.

Make it ten.

-Five? -Six.

Five and a haIf?

Okay.

WiIIie?

HeIIo, WiIIie.

(GROANING SOFTLY)

Some peopIe wiII do anything to get a day off work.

You Iook Iike the invisibIe man.

Yeah. I heard you was Iaid up, mate. I didn't think it was as bad as this.

What happened?

(MUMBLING)

Yeah, but who did it?

(MUMBLING)

BIackie.

Oh, not BIackie? His friend Stropper?

(WILLIE AGREEING)

Oh, yeah.

Nice feIIa, Stropper.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry, WiIIie.

(SCREAMING)

Sorry. I'm sorry, WiIIie. Sorry, WiIIie.

I'm sorry, WiIIie.

Here Iook, I bought you a dirty magazine.

Oh, yeah. I can see your probIem.

Cheer up, WiIIie.

Did you hear about the feIIa that had to have his Ieg amputated?

When he woke up from the operation,

the doctor said, ''We got some good news, we got some bad news.

''The bad news is we've chopped the wrong Ieg off.

''The good news is the other one's got better.''

How much do you owe them, WiIIie? It must have been a bIoody fortune.

(MUFFLED) Uh-uh. 63.

63,000?

(MUFFLED) £63.

63 quid?

See you Iater, WiIIie.

Keep heaIthy.

(WILLIE SCREAMING)

-Cheer up. It may never happen. -It aIready has.

WeII, we've aII got our probIems. Here, what is it? What's wrong?

-I'd prefer not to taIk about it. -PIease yourseIf. I was onIy trying to heIp.

I'm sorry.

Here you are. Get this down you.

-Oh, weII, I haven't got any... -Oh, it's aII right. It's on the house.

Thanks.

(SIGHING)

OnIy a few more minutes to go, I'm off earIy today.

-Nice one. -Oh, Iook, there's your two friends.

Not speaking? FriendIy sort of geezer, ain't he?

Come here.

Sit down.

Make yourseIf at home.

Now then, what have we done to upset you?

-Oh, nothing. Nothing at aII. -WeII, then...

Look, you'II get your money.

It's onIy a few hours since I saw you. Give us a break, for Christ's sake.

-Have you been to see WiIIie? -Yeah, I saw WiIIie.

Nice feIIa WiIIie. He didn't deserve that bit of bad Iuck.

And aII over a mere 63 quid. RidicuIous, ain't it?

You've made your point. Don't rub it in.

In a hurry?

Oh, yeah. I've got to raise 900 quid by the end of the week, haven't I?

So you have. And I've got an idea.

Why don't you go round and see oId Dodger? He might be abIe to heIp.

Dodger Harris? He's as bent as a corkscrew. What do you think I am, a viIIain?

Did you hear me caII him a viIIain? It's you I'm thinking about.

900 quid's not an easy matter to raise in three days.

-Oh! WeII, I'm so gIad you understand. -Of course we understand.

That's why I said go round and see oId Dodger.

Because if you don't cough up,

what happened to WiIIie wiII seem Iike an itchy eIbow

compared to what's gonna happen to you.

-Thanks a Iot. -Don't mention it.

See you Saturday. Oh, by the way, here's Dodger's card.

I'II teII him to expect you. Keep heaIthy.

Where are you going now then, home?

No, I might as weII stay here and sIash me wrist.

Look, I teII you what.

Why don't you come back with me? I'II cook you a nice meaI.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Here, Sid. What did those two feIIows want today in the pub?

MAN ON TV: And that concludes our programmes for this evening.

It only remains for me, Joseph Gannon, on behalf of all of us here...

(SID SNORING)

You came to my house yesterday and took away my Iavatory seat, right?

Who the bIeeding heII are you? How did you get in here anyway?

Never mind that. Where's that bIoody Iavatory seat?

You nicked it. We couId put you inside for that.

-What are you taIking about? -I'II teII you what we're taIking about.

Yesterday you came to my house to do a job

and you took my Iavatory seat away with you. I want it back.

It's a Ioad of oId rubbish. I gave your wife one...

I mean, I gave your wife a brand new one and she stiII hasn't paid for it.

Don't get funny with us, son. You'II get this down the back of your throat.

-Where is it? -I soId it.

-You what? -Who to?

-A junk shop. -He soId it to a junk shop.

Ah! That's nice. Come on, you.

-Where are we going? -Where do you think?

-I'm not open. -Look, I made a mistake yesterday.

That bog seat is a famiIy heirIoom or something. The owner wants it back.

-WeII, he can't have it, it's gone. -What do you mean, gone?

-I've soId it. -Oh, Christ! Who to?

How shouId I know? I've never seen him before.

Now piss off. I'm going back to bed.

-Who the heII are you? -Never mind about that, fuzz-face.

If we don't get our seat back, you're for it.

-So who was it? -I toId him, I don't know.

-Did he pay you by cheque? -Yeah. I've stiII got it.

Let's have a Iook.

Now, we've saved ourseIves a bit of troubIe. He's put his address on the back.

Right. Now get in there and get it back. And don't forget, son, we're watching you.

What am I going to say?

You ain't been Iost for words so far. Go on, get going.

CIumsy sod.

(KNOCKING)

(MOUTHS)

I bought it IegaIIy. I paid for it and I got a receipt.

But it wasn't mine to seII.

-Look, you changed the seat, right? -Yeah, but it was a mistake.

WeII, I consider that everything was in order.

You were entitIed to take it, I'm entitIed to keep it.

Look, you've got to seII it back to me. If you don't, I'II...

If you don't, I'II caII the poIice and teII them you're receiving stoIen property.

I was just about to Iet you have it. Now I'm damned if I wiII.

Get out of here before I throw you out.

-He won't seII it back. -Won't he?

WeII, we'II see about that. Come on.

Where's your oId man? We want to taIk with him.

-Who are you? -Never mind who we are. Where is he?

I'II get him. You wait in there.

-Go on, then. -Henry!

-Henry! -Henry.

-Did you see her face? Shit scared. -Yeah.

You have to show them you mean business, don't you?

-Right. -I teII you what.

We'II give him one Iast chance to seII it back and if he don't, we'II do it the hard way.

-Do you remember that bIoke we did... -Yes, gentIemen. What can I do for...

-Were those the men you were taIking about? -Yeah.

Oh, I know them. Right pair of viIIains they are.

They made me come here. I didn't want to threaten anyone.

HeIIo? HeIIo, Chief Inspector WaIIings here.

Yeah. I think I've got a Iead for you on that Union Safe deposit job.

Yeah. Pick me up at my house as soon as you can, wiII you?

-Right, weII, I'II be off, then. -Just a minute.

You know, I beIieve there's more to that Iavatory seat than we thought.

AII this fuss over a bog seat.

Scrape the paint off.

-WeII? -It's brass.

Just as I thought. It's goId.

SoIid goId.

I'II need you down at the station.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh! Not you Iot. I've had just about enough for one day.

I'm afraid you've got another probIem.

-What's this? -Your eviction papers.

Sorry, but I did warn you, didn't I, Mr South? Good day.

Come in.

-Dodger Harris? -Yeah.

Oh! Come in, Iad. Come in, come in. Sit down, sit down.

-Now what can I do for you? -I need some money, fast.

-I beIieve you might have a few ideas. -My head teems with them.

May one enquire why you want this money fast?

Yeah, weII, the bookies are after me for 900 quid.

If I don't have the money by Saturday at the Iatest...

Oh, dear.

-Oh, you do have a probIem. -WeII, that's why I'm here.

-Somebody recommended you to me. -Who was this someone?

-BIackie. -Ah! BIackie.

Any friend of BIackie's is a friend of BIackie's.

Yeah. WeII, he's not reaIIy a friend.

In fact it was him who threatened to do me in.

Oh, dear. What experience have you got?

-WeII, I'm a pIumber. -A pIumber?

-Ever been in any troubIe? -No, of course not.

(TUTTING)

-That's a pity. -Look...

-I don't want to do anything iIIegaI. -Perish the thought!

-Do you ever get seasick? -WeII, I'm aII right in a rowing boat.

It's just I've got this something

being dropped off a fishing boat off the South Coast.

I'm Iooking for a IikeIy Iad to pick it up. How about that?

-What is it? -Look, don't ask no questions.

If anybody asks you any questions, you don't know any answers, right?

Now, you'II need a frogman's suit, an oxygen Iung

and you'II go down...

Phew!

...20 fathoms.

I can't swim.

Oh, here's something right up your street. JeweIIer's shop.

-Not a smash and grab. -For some perhaps, but not for you.

There's a professionaI group, a highIy professionaI group,

and they're Iooking for a modicum of information.

-What sort of information? -They want a sketch map of the basement

showing the water pipes, gas mains and aIarm system.

And as a pIumber, you've got the perfect cover.

You just caII in and say, ''I'm checking the water pressure,'' and you're in.

WeII, that's not worth 900 quid, is it?

More or Iess. More or Iess. How about it?

What's the address?

ActuaIIy, I wasn't aware we had any troubIe with the pressure.

We can never get any hot water, though. Maybe it's the thermostat.

Perhaps you wouId Iike to have a Iook at it whiIe you're down there.

AII right.

WeII, you don't have to hang about. I'II caII you if I need any heIp.

We're not busy. Maybe I'II Iearn something.

Yeah.

Yeah. WeII, it's probabIy

your safety vaIve.

Ah.

MAN: Mr BradIey!

Oh! Look, I'II Ieave you to it now. I think they need me upstairs.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Right.

They say you done a good job. They're going in tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night! Can't you Iet me have a bit on account?

Look, the moment I get my commission, you get your fee.

What couId be fairer than that?

-You don't Iook at aII weII, Sid. -Oh, I'm aII right.

Just been up to me eyebaIIs in it IateIy, that's aII.

-You didn't mind me popping in, did you? -No, of course not.

What's the matter?

WeII, Susie, things have been a bit difficuIt IateIy.

What, with the biIIs and the rent, things have been getting out of hand.

What do you mean?

Come on, you can teII me. A troubIe shared and aII that.

No, you've got your own probIems. You don't want to hear about mine.

Besides, you're a bit speciaI, Suse.

You're not Iike the rest.

Sid, why can't you confide in me, eh? I'm sure it'd heIp.

WeII, maybe one day.

But I've got to get meseIf straightened out first.

In the meantime, I don't want you Iying on my account.

Here, Iook.

-I better get some sIeep. -You couId stay here, you know.

No, I think I'd better go home, don't you, eh?

(GRUNTING)

-Here, what's going on in there? -I don't know.

-It ain't haIf bIoody hot in here. -Where's the safe, then?

I don't know. How can I see in this steam?

Come on.

Come on...

(GRUNTING)

I bet this steam wiII sIim you up.

You got your Ieg caught between...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Christ AImighty! Let's get out of here! Get out!

MAN: Come on, Bert!

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Crappie!

-Mr Crapper. -AII right! AII right!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Oh, it's you.

Where did you spring from? I thought you'd retired.

-Yeah, weII, I've been busy. -Not for me, you haven't.

You got any jobs, then?

You're dead Iucky. A coupIe of jobs come in this morning.

Crappie, can you Iend me some money? I'm a bit skint.

Yeah, aII right, boy.

-When you've finished your jobs. -Oh, come on, Iook.

-I just need a tenner, a fiver'II do. -I must say, I do get a Iaugh out of you, son.

Come on.

-You phoned for a pIumber. -Did we?

WeII, yeah, I think so.

WeII, that'II be the wife's department.

Maisie, the pIumber's here.

Oh, you've come to fix the garbage disposaI. This way.

We onIy moved in a month ago and nothing seems to work.

First it was the cooker,

then during the heatwave the fridge went wrong. AII the food went off.

Then I had a probIem with my dishwasher, smashed up aII my crockery.

-You sound Iike the originaI CaIamity Jane. -You can say that again.

There doesn't seem to be much wrong with this.

I don't even think it's a pIumbing job. I think you've got a wire Ioose here.

Look, wouId you mind switching it on?

(MAISIE SCREAMING)

(CLANKING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(WHISTLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CONTINUES WHISTLING)

(CHATTERING)

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Ooh, I'm reaIIy hot. I couId do with a shower.

Right, which one of us is going first?

-Is it aII right if it's me? -Oh, yes. Okay.

-I say, you missed a fabuIous weekend. -WeII, I was supposed to come.

-Yeah. Did you go to Copenhagen? -I skipped Copenhagen.

Did you?

I had a very nice weekend.

Do you remember that photographer guy that I toId you about ages ago?

The one that I thought was reaIIy chic and fancy?

The one with the very tight jeans?

-The open shirts? -Mmm-hmm.

-WeII, I got a caII on Friday. -So teII me, what happened?

-WeII, he asked me away for the weekend. -Yes.

So then I phoned into the agency, cIaimed I was sick.

Scrapped Copenhagen and we went to the New Forest.

-ReaIIy? -In that snazzy IittIe sports car of his.

You can't do much in that because we reaIIy tried!

So go on. What happened?

WeII, that car might weII be snazzy, but it's definiteIy no Iove bug, I teII you.

HonestIy, I think I'm so battered and bruised from that thing,

I'II never expIain those away to Terry.

Anyway, so eventuaIIy, we had to puII off the road,

-couIdn't stand it any Ionger. -Yeah, go on.

WeII, I teII you one thing.

The fantasy about having it off in a cornfieId just doesn't work.

Oh, that's impossibIe.

A, the corn's too high and B, it's so stony you don't know what to do.

So we gave that up and I just got muddy.

But I wiII say one thing, he chose a reaIIy super hoteI.

And you can't teII me any guy hadn't pre-pIanned that.

He knew what he was doing, aII right.

Oh, the water's IoveIy and warm.

-Oh, do you know what? -What?

The bed there was at Ieast eight-foot wide.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Oh, we had a super time.

I teII you something, we must have used every inch of that bed.

-ReaIIy? -And do you know my fantasy?

-What? -Yes?

WeII, I reaIIy did it this time. I went through with it.

And do you know what, it reaIIy worked. I went into the bathroom

and I knew he thought I was going to come out with some chic negIigée on,

but I didn't. I did it, the fuII strip.

One stocking out the door, two stockings out the door

and brother, did that turn him on. Oh, do you know what?

I think after that we must have screwed for at Ieast four hours.

Cor!

(SCREAMING)

HeIIo.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

(DOOR LOCKING)

Turn that engine off.

I can't stop, BIackie. I'm Iate.

-Yeah. Two days Iate, ain't he, Stropper? -What do you mean?

We said Saturday, remember?

We was waiting in that pub for hours and hours.

Look, I've got to go.

I've got an appointment with a very important man.

-What are you doing? -It's what we're going to do.

Cop that bike.

-Right, this is for starters. -Leave that bike aIone.

BLACKIE: Get off that bike, you berk. You ain't even got a Iicence.

Look, it's aII fixed up. I'm doing this job for Dodger.

He's going to Iet me have 900 quid by the end of next week Iatest.

-What IittIe job? -I can't teII you, can I?

You know what Iine of business he's in. You put me on to him.

I've Iearnt my bIeeding Iesson.

I never want to see another bookie tiII the day I die.

That day may come sooner than you think.

Tuesday. Make it Tuesday. I'II teII him it's a matter of Iife and death.

It is.

WeII, Iook, actuaIIy, he's giving me a thousand.

-I want you to have the other 100. -Why?

WeII, I kept you waiting, BIackie.

And I don't Iike owing peopIe money, do I?

100, is it? Right, I beIieve you.

But you'II never see Wednesday if you Iet us down on Tuesday.

Them's me Iast words. Hop it.

-What happened? -The geyser overheated.

And set off the aIarm and the sprinkIer system.

-Great. -PIain bIoody bad Iuck.

The boys Iost aII their gear.

Anyway, they didn't get caught and that's what matters.

What about me? I'm right in it.

In this game, you take the rough with the smooth.

Anyway, think of the commission I Iost.

Dodger, I've got other things on me mind. I couId be dead in two days.

We'II find something for you.

Here, Iook.

IdeaI! You can't faiI. It's money in your pocket.

What is it?

Christ! These are a bit strong, aren't they?

WeII, the gentIeman in question has been a naughty boy

and I don't suppose for one moment he'd Iike the pictures to go to his dear wife.

So wander round and offer him the negatives.

Go for the highest price. I'd start at about 5,000.

-That's bIackmaiI. -BIackmaiI?

BIackmaiI, Sidney, is an ugIy word.

You are a saIesman, you have a commodity, so you take it to the highest bidder.

If the first potentiaI customer doesn't want to know,

you go to the second potentiaI customer.

-Sounds aII right when you put it Iike that. -Course it does.

This Charteris is a rich man. He's got a string of massage parIours.

He's the answer to aII your probIems.

But a Iot depends on how you handIe the saIe.

So put on your best suit, cut a dash. Look prosperous. TeII him it's big business.

Impress him.

I haven't got a suit.

And under the terms of the settIement,

one haIf of the net profits are incorporated in the agreement.

I am, however, negotiating a cash settIement, but untiI this has been sorted out,

I'm not in a position to discuss any new partnership agreement.

I'II be in touch with you immediateIy the situation has been ratified.

Yours sincereIy, AR Charteris.

A Mr South is outside. He'd Iike to have a word with you.

Oh, who the heII is he?

You know I don't see anybody except by appointment.

But I toId him and he wouIdn't go away.

He asked me to give you this. He said you'd understand.

Yes. I think I do understand.

Show Mr South in, wiII you?

Ooh, by the way, what's BeIinda doing?

Oh, weII, nothing at the moment. One of her cIients just canceIIed.

-Mr Charteris wiII see you. -Ah, Mr...

-South. -Mr South. Now, whiIe I'm getting dressed,

I'd Iike you to enjoy a vigorating massage on the house.

No, thanks. I've come to discuss business.

Yes, of course, but I'd Iike you to be compIeteIy reIaxed,

so you'II be in a better condition to discuss business.

Yeah, aII right.

But I'm a busy man, Mr Charteris. I want to get this matter over and done with.

I hope you fuIIy appreciate the deIicacy of the situation.

-You are a reasonabIe man, I understand. -Oh, I am, Mr South. I am.

Just Iie down there and enjoy yourseIf.

Come and see me in my office when you've finished.

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING)

What's your name then, eh?

Not speaking? That's aII right.

I Iike a bit of mystery in my women, not too much, though.

Ooh, that's nice.

Oh!

(SID SIGHING)

Ooh! I'II teII you what.

You can eat crackers in my bed any time, eh?

Oh, Christ!

(SID GROANING)

My Ieg! You're breaking me Ieg! You'II break me Ieg!

Get off! Get off! Oh, get off!

(SID COUGHING)

No! No, no, no. No! No!

No, no! Not that! No!

(SCREAMING)

Easy!

Enjoying yourseIf?

And that'II teach you to try bIackmaiIing me, you IittIe bastard.

And you can teII whoever it was who sent you

that they can stuff the rest of those photographs

because they're not worth the paper they're printed on.

WeII, your wife! What about your wife?

I haven't got one. We were divorced a year ago.

HeIIo, Dodger.

Charteris was divorced a year ago. Why don't you get your records straight?

-I nearIy had me bIeeding neck broken. -The story of my Iife, Sidney.

I never couId get nothing straight.

I'm not interested in your Iife, Dodger. I'm at death's door.

WeII, don't panic, Sidney. I mean, I'II...

OId Dodger wiII puII something out of the hat.

-How do you think I've survived so far? -That's a bIoody good question.

Look, I've got something speciaI for you, Sidney.

A certain gentIeman, whose name cannot be divuIged,

but who is not short of a smaII fortune or two,

is desirous of Iaying his hands on a certain work of art.

-Eh? -Have you heard of Picasso?

Now Iook, I'm not having anything to do with the Mafia.

Mafia! He's pig ignorant. Picasso is one of the greatest painters ever.

And one of his masterpieces is hanging on the waII of a mansion not very far from here.

Go on.

I want you, dear Sidney, to obtain it by fair means or fouI.

And hang in its pIace this copy, which I've had prepared at great expense.

Oh, you're not asking me to pinch a painting?

I'm not asking you to pinch a painting. I'm asking you to arrange a swapping.

-And what happens when they find out? -Find out?

They couIdn't teII a Picasso from a giraffe's arse-o.

-How do I get into the pIace? -PuII the oId Water Board routine again.

Say you've gone round to check the water pressure

and whiIe you're at it, suss the joint out.

Then, having secreted this copy somewhere about your person,

at the appropriate moment, swap it.

-Swap it? -Swap it.

And this time, nothing can go wrong.

OId Dodger gives you his personaI guarantee.

After aII, it's onIy a swapping.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you doing standing there without a drink in your hand?

Sex aIive, there's enough Iiquor around here to sink a battIeship.

Lucinda, honey! There.

No one shaII ever say Loretta Proudfoot Iacks one iota of Southern hospitaIity.

Even though she is 6,000 miIes away from home.

Oh, you're Mrs Proudfoot?

Oh! I'm sorry, honey. I thought you were a guest.

-Oh, no, I'm a pIumber. -A pIumber. Did I caII for a pIumber?

WeII, the counciI sent me. Your water pressure's aII over the pIace.

Loretta, darIing. You've been hoIding out on me.

Where have you been hiding this one?

LORETTA: This is Hubert, one of my dearest friends.

-Hubert, meet... -Sid.

Oh! What a IoveIy name.

-LORETTA: He's a pIumber. -A pIumber! How interesting.

WeII, you can shove your pIunger round my S-bend any day.

-I'II hit you over the bIeeding head with it. -Ooh! Any time.

He's so butch, dear. I'II see you Iater, heart-face.

You must forgive Hubert. He's not afraid to say exactIy how he feeIs.

That's aII right. It don't bother me.

Good. Because I beIieve in everybody being themseIves.

My Iate husband, who was a psychiatrist, aIways said

the troubIe with the worId was sexuaI frustration.

Very true.

So every now and again, I Iike to have a IittIe get-together

where aII my friends can Iose aII their inhibitions.

WeII, yeah. You mean, sort of, Iet it aII hang out.

ExactIy. Oh, Robin, honey, this is Sid.

My! Samantha's got a sparkIe in her eye tonight, haven't you, honey?

She's sparkIing at everybody. I can't keep her away from the men.

And you know what I'm Iike, I get so jeaIous.

I was in two minds about coming tonight, but she insisted, didn't you, dear?

Oh, she couIdn't wait to Iose her inhibitions.

The moment she stepped into the room she took aII her cIothes off.

With a body Iike that, how can you bIame her?

Hasn't she got the most beautifuI shape?

-Fantastic, yeah. -TeII me,

-do you think I was right to bring her? -Yeah.

I know why you're saying that. You fancy her yourseIf, don't you?

Now, now, Robin,

Sid is not a man to step in between two peopIe who Iove each other.

You reaIIy must try to stop being so jeaIous,

and I mustn't keep you from your duties for one moment Ionger.

Enjoying yourseIf, honey? Fine.

By the way, what actuaIIy is wrong with my water?

WeII, it's not running properIy. It's throwing the whoIe area out of baIance.

(SHRIEKING)

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

-You've got my pIunger. -Your what?

WeII, it's stuck to your ar... WeII, I'II have to have it back.

Do you mind?

WeII, I've got to get it back.

Okay, everyone, it's time to go fishing. Now, you aII know the ruIes.

Each one of you has to fish for his or her partner.

And once you've hooked them, they're yours for the night.

One, two, three, everyone into the water!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, no! Oh, no, no! Look.

Look, I'm onIy the pIumber. I'm onIy the pIumber!

I'm onIy the pIumber!

Ah! My Picasso's in the water. Somebody fish it out. The coIours'II run.

You, you took it. You're not a pIumber, you're a thief.

The poIice. Somebody ring for the poIice!

-I'm not a thief, it beIongs to me. -BeIongs to you! It's mine.

There's not another Iike it in the whoIe wide worId.

Your bIeeding Picasso's hanging on the waII. Turn around, have a Iook.

WeII, what's that doing there, then?

-WeII, it's not worth tuppence, it's a copy. -A copy!

I know what you were gonna do!

(POPS)

(AIR HISSING)

Samantha!

He's kiIIed her.

He's done her in.

-Ah! You got it. -No, I didn't get it.

-WeII, why not? -There was a party going on

and one thing Ied to another and I didn't do the swap.

Look, Dodger, I'm not interested in any more of your IittIe schemes.

As much as I need the money, I don't fancy spending next Christmas inside.

Oh, weII, Sidney, remember the oId saying.

''If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.''

I'm not trying anything eIse. That's finaI.

Oh, that's a shame, Sidney. 'Cause I've got a smasher here.

You couIdn't go wrong with this one. Tower of London.

Dodger, stuff it.

-Good morning. -MAN: Morning.

-Do you buy bikes? -Yeah.

WeII, what about this mighty machine out here, eh?

I'II have a Iook at it.

Done a Iot of miIeage, hasn't it?

It just goes to show how honest I am. I couId have easiIy fixed the cIock.

-The tyres are weII worn. -Oh, come on. What's a coupIe of tyres?

What do you want, part exchange?

WeII, no. I've got to seII it actuaIIy. I don't want to, but I've got no choice.

Need money in a hurry, do you?

No, no. I know this geezer who's seIIing a sports car.

ReaI bargain.

But unIess I give him the money today, no go.

Where's the registration book?

-Any hire purchase on it? -Yeah, why?

-How many payments have you made? -Two.

You can't seII it. It's not yours to seII.

WeII, it's my property. I bought it, didn't I?

It's not your property untiI you've made the Iast payment.

-Do you mean I can't seII it anywhere? -It's not yours to seII.

You try seIIing that bike to anybody eIse and you'II get put inside.

-Oh, you're not going away. -Yeah. I've come to say goodbye.

I've got myseIf a job on one of them oiI rigs. I'II be earning thousands.

I suppose that's good news. When do you Ieave?

Today.

-Wish I couId come with you. -WeII, I'II be back in a few months.

My pockets wiII be buIging. We'II have a great time.

Go everywhere, see everything.

MAN: 20 DunhiIIs, pIease.

Just going down the bank to get the money.

That's aII right. We'II waIk down there with you.

Keep you company, won't we, Stropper?

You stiII don't trust me, do you, eh?

I'm not going to emigrate. It's onIy 1,000 quid.

WeII, that's aII right. We'II stiII waIk down there with you.

Guv'nor's orders.

Yeah, weII, you don't have to put yourseIves out.

You sound Iike you don't want us with you, Sid.

You're not trying anything on, are you?

Don't tear his cIothes.

They'II be worth a few quid when we get them off him.

On second thoughts.

Come on, BIackie. The bank'II be cIosed.

So what? You ain't got nothing in it. I ain't thick.

What's in the bag?

WeII, it's me Iaundry. I pass the Iaundry on the way to the bank.

Open it up.

You're dead right.

You ain't emigrating.

They don't take crippIes in these foreign countries.

Stropper, your moment has come.

-I never did you any harm. -I didn't say you did. It's me job, innit?

You never gave me a chance. You didn't give me enough time.

You're breaking me bIeeding heart. Stropper!

Mister, this is private business.

My apoIogies, but I have to speak to Mr South.

-So do we and we saw him first. -I'm from the Bovine Insurance Company.

-He won't be needing any. Push off! -I'm not seIIing insurance.

Here, don't I know you?

I was at the poIice station when you made a statement about that Iavatory seat.

-Oh, that's right, yeah. I remember. -Lavatory seat?

I'm pIeased to inform you, Mr South, that you are due for a reward. £1,000.

For giving information Ieading to the recovery of stoIen property.

Now if you'II just sign this receipt.

Turn your back, Stropper.

My apoIogies for the interruption, gentIemen. Good day.

-1,000 quid. -Where's your bank?

Mr RockefeIIer.

-HeIIo, boy. I heard aII about your windfaII. -Yeah, so did the bookies. Took the Iot.

Come on, Crappie. I'm back in the market.

-Got anything? -Nothing. Get out.

-I'm desperate. I'II do anything. -Anything?

-Anything? -Yeah.

I've got something to show you.

What is it?

It's a new mechanicaI pipe and drain cIeaner.

-I'm starting a new service. -Drains?

-Yeah. -Not with me, you're not.

Here, hang about.

I was thinking of putting you in soIe charge of this.

-OnIy because you can't get anyone eIse. -Yeah.

No!

Oh, Iook here. Look, somebody's got to do it, haven't they?

It'II be a good rate of pay. PIenty of overtime.

-AII right. -Good boy.

You get to Iearn how to handIe that machine, boy, you'II earn a Iot of money.

It does the work ten times faster. Here, try it out on our drains here.

Get a bit of practice.

-HeIIo, stranger. -Wotcha, Suse?

Yeah, weII, Iife has been a bit compIicated IateIy.

Yeah, I know. I heard aII about your troubIes.

Eh, we are stiII friends, aren't we?

Yeah, of course we're stiII friends. Here, fIick that switch, wiII you?

(CRAPPER SCREAMING)