Original subtitles

♪ Men. ♪

Are you eating cookie dough?

Yup. It's my favorite recipe.

All you need is cookie dough and weed.

So the only thing you have to bake is yourself.

It's very efficient.

It causes the munchies and then immediately cures them.

Hey.

What do you know? They found my car.

You lost your car?

What the hell's your cookie dough laced with?

No, I found this company

and they help you locate old vehicles.

It's called Dude, Where's My Car?

So what's so great about this thing?

I don't know. It's my first car. I got a lot of firsts in it.

First time I learned to drive.

First time I had sex.

First time I had a condom break.

First time I prayed.

So you gonna buy this car?

No. Some guy named Dirk in Denver has it.

So why go through all the effort

of tracking it down if you don't want it?

Nostalgia?

It's kind of like...

looking up your first girlfriend,

or your high school math teacher.

For me, those were one and the same.

She still writes me from prison.

I think my math teacher had a crush on my me, too.

I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower

after math team practice?

Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.

Uh, I would now like to introduce my girlfriend,

the very fetchin' Gretchen.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice

to finally meet you. Yeah.

Alan, uh, told me that you work

in an animal shelter taking in strays.

So we have a lot in common.

Yeah.

Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny.

Hi. Hi.

And we met.

I'm Barry, Walden's youthful ward.

It's really nice to meet all of you.

God, this place is amazing.

How do you afford the rent, Alan?

What's so funny?

Well, I-I don't pay rent, per se.

Or per month.

Or per year.

Really? No rent?

How long has that been going on?

Three years with Walden, eight years with my dad.

You have been living here for 11 years for free?

Yeah.

I have never wanted you more.

Who's my cheap daddy?

Would you like to see the bedroom I don't pay for?

Would you like to see my boobs I bought with a Groupon?

Will you let me get my grope on?

Nice to meet you, Gretchen. Make yourself at home.

I've got to stop saying that.

So, what do you say we hop on your plane,

head over to Denver and at least look at this car?

You know you want to.

You guys just want to go to Colorado

'cause pot is legal there.

What? It's-It's legal?

They legalized marijuana in Colorado?

You say up to three ounces?

Look, we're not going to Denver to look at a car

and bring home three ounces of pot.

Yeah, but if we go with you,

we can bring back nine ounces.

Fire up the jet.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x21 ♪ Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot Original Air Date on May 1, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

Well, guess who just joined the Mile High Club.

No, it doesn't count when you do it alone.

Oh, it counted... twice.

Up top.

No!

Not gonna happen.

This is crazy.

There's no way my old car is worth the cost

of flying all the way to Denver and putting in a new bathroom.

We can't turn back now.

I canceled an audition for this trip.

You're kidding, right?

The part was Dead Junkie Number Two.

Although, I did buy painkillers to get into character.

It doesn't matter what the role is.

This job leads to the next,

and you're playing Dead Junkie Number One.

And before you know it, you're playing a live junkie!

And then what?

Win a bunch of Oscars,

get rich, fly around on a private plane?

Oh, look, I skipped to the end!

So what kind of car are we going to look at?

You can thank me later for changing the subject.

It's a 1967 Mustang

with a 289 V-8, a Holley four-barrel carb

and Positraction.

What does that mean?

I have no idea. My dad used to say it all the time

when we were working on the car.

I like to think that it

was one of his ways of saying, "I love you."

Another was, "Why is Daddy's beer empty?"

I totally get it.

My dad's coded "I love you" was, "Seriously?

You can't catch a football one damn time?"

So you worked on this with your dad.

Apparently, there's an emotional connection with this car.

It's a mixed emotion.

It took us two years to restore it.

When it was finished, it was cherry.

Of course, Cherry was also the name of the stripper

that he drove off with when he left me and my mom.

Wait-- so why would you want to buy something

that caused you so much pain?

I mean, that'd be like me buying the senior prom.

It was on my 16th birthday.

I go outside the house... and there's that car

sitting in the driveway.

No sign of my dad, though.

It was still the best birthday ever.

Well, until my mom took a baseball bat to the windshield.

You know what my dad got me for my 16th birthday?

A box of condoms and a card that said,

"Don't make the same mistake I did."

He was a joker.

How about you, Jenny?

Oh, she would've nailed Dead Junkie Number Two!

♪ Men. ♪

Oh! What a great idea:

having sex in every room in the house.

Well, to be fair, the laundry room was more you

sitting on the dryer while I took a breather.

Yeah. Next time, I think

I'm gonna throw in a pair of snow boots.

You know, boom-boom-boom-boom-boom! Yeah.

One of the advantages of being here alone.

Kind of makes a man want to buy a place of his own.

Nah, I'm gonna die here, I really am.

So, uh, what do you want to do tonight?

You know, besides this guy.

I would love to spend the night doing this guy,

but we promised Lyndsey and Larry we'd meet 'em.

Remember, karaoke?

Oh, that's right.

Oh, hey, hey, maybe we can use

my Halloween costumes from last year.

You know, Donny and Marie?

Although I'm not sure you'd fit into Walden's Donny outfit.

You know, I was thinking tonight would be a great time

to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman,

that you're really Alan Harper.

Oh, that's funny because I was thinking

tonight might be a great night to not ruin four people's lives.

He's my brother, Alan.

I can't just keep lying to him.

I lied to my brother all the time. It worked out great.

Your brother's dead.

I didn't say it worked out great for everybody.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey!

Are you Dirk?

Are you a cop?

No. Then I'm Dirk.

I'm Walden Schmidt. I called about the car.

Actually, on the phone, you asked if I was a cop.

And then you asked me if I wanted to buy any weed.

Yeah, that's the right order to ask those questions.

I learned that the hard way.

These your kids?

No.

Are they mine?

Hey, uh, is this the car?

Yeah, let me take her top off for you.

You're about to see one hot car.

Where, behind this piece of crap?

She's not that pretty, but she gets the job done.

Just like my old lady.

Hey, that's not bad.

♪ She's not that pretty, but she gets the job done ♪

♪ I'd like to escape, but I'm too old to run! ♪

Yeah, that's a hit!

So is this your car?

Yeah.

It's still got the Vote For Bush bumper sticker on it.

You were a Republican?

No, my friends and I just thought it was funny.

You know, "Bush"?

Tell you what, I love Bush.

You and me both.

She's got a lot of wear and tear on her.

Not much to look at.

Looks like it was rear-ended.

Just like my old lady.

But she's got new headlights and a roomy backseat.

Just like your old lady?

Hey! That's the mother of three of my five kids!

Anyway, this bad boy can still get up to a buck ten.

Yeah, maybe if the truck towing it was going 110.

You don't believe me, I refer you

to World's Wildest Police Chases, episode 139.

Whoa, what died in here?

My granddad.

The seat belt got jammed, we had to

leave him in there for a couple of days.

Okay, well, hey, thank you for showing us the car.

Whoa, hang on, hang on.

How much do you want for it?

Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing?

I'll take $1,800 unless you can

come up with some kind of other arrangement.

Ew!

How about you?

No!

$1,800 it is, then.

I'm not... I'm not buying this car.

Walden, this car is a piece of your life.

It doesn't mean anything to anybody else

in the world except you.

All right, I'll give you $1,800.

Dude, you didn't haggle. It's no good unless you haggle.

Okay, uh, fine. $1,600.

$1,700.

Deal. $1,700.

Yeah!

I was just gonna give you $1,800.

That's the thing about haggling, dude.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

We definitely have to get some of this guy's weed.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Hey, will you love me forever? ♪

♪ Let me sleep on it

♪ Will you love me forever?

♪ Let me sleep on it

♪ Will you love me forever?

♪ I couldn't take it any longer ♪

♪ Lord, I was crazed

♪ And then the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave ♪

♪ I started swearing to my God on my mother's grave ♪

♪ That I would love you till the end of time ♪

♪ I swore I'd love you till the end of time! ♪

Yeah!

Gretchen, Jeff!

Follow that, bitches.

Come on, Lyndsey, it's our turn.

♪ Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof. Woof, woof.

Come on. You can do better than that.

Larry, do I look like I want to do better than that?

Ooh, last time I saw that face,

I forgot to pick up wine.

Boy, was I in the doghouse

that night. Hey!

♪ Who's in the doghouse?

♪ Who-who-who-who?

That's what I'm talking about!

Come on. Let's show 'em how

you and your brother do it doggy style.

He doesn't really hear himself, does he?

Why are you here?

I've told you a hundred times, I don't want

to double-date with Gretchen and Jeff Strongman.

Well, you won't have to anymore.

Guess who's gonna tell Larry the truth tonight.

♪ Who-who-who-who?

What do you mean?

I told Gretchen who I really am.

I was tired of living a lie

and sneaking around, being dishonest.

I'm better than that.

She caught you.

Yes. Yes, she did.

But it felt good to get it off my chest.

If you tell Larry who you really are,

then he's gonna wonder why I didn't tell him.

And that's not something I want to deal with

less than two weeks before we're supposed to get married.

God, is it two weeks?

Boy, I better find those rings.

Alan, you're not gonna say a thing about

who you really are.

I'm sorry, but I already promised Gretchen.

And-and the fact of the matter is

you and I aren't in a relationship anymore,

so you no longer have me by the balls!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot and kick them nasty thoughts ♪

♪ Baby got back!

Come on, Larry, let's show 'em how we do it.

There you go!

Menstrual cramps can't stop my lady!

It's Larry-oke time!

♪ Ow! I feel good

♪ I knew that I would now

So, did you talk to Larry yet?

Uh, well, you know, I was, I was running

this whole thing by Lyndsey, and, um...

Whoa, wait. Why would you run it by Lyndsey?

You know, she is the one getting married,

and I didn't want to spring it on her

because Lyndsey is not the girl you want to get angry

unless you're about to have sex with her,

'cause then she turns into a freak,

and I don't know why I'm saying this.

I know why.

Because you still have feelings for her.

That's crazy. I just, I think

it's the right thing to do, that's all.

Oh, my God.

That is why you invented Jeff Strongman

in the first place, was to win Lyndsey back.

Feelings like that don't just disappear.

Sure, they do. There's a lot of things

I used to love that I don't love anymore:

uh, roller coasters, dairy, my mother.

This isn't funny, Alan.

Well, I-I was just saying...

No, listen to me.

Look, if you want to run everything by your ex-girlfriend

and not tell Larry the truth, then so be it.

But I don't want anything to do with it. Or you.

Wait, Gretchen...

Gretchen. Gretchen, wait!

♪ I feel good

♪ I knew that I would now

Come on, Jeff, you know the words.

♪ So good, so good

♪ I'm gonna die alone

♪ Ow!

♪ Men. ♪

Aren't you glad I made you do this?

Yeah. Having déjà vu.

My dad used to let me sit on his lap and steer.

Yeah, my dad wasn't around much.

I had to teach myself all those things that dads teach you:

how to ride a bike, how to shave,

how to change a tire, how to masturbate.

What?

No, dads don't teach you how to masturbate.

I'm glad somebody told me before I had kids.

This thing is actually really cool.

What made you sell it in the first place?

I needed the seed money to start my company,

and it's the only thing I had that was worth anything.

You know, when you think about it,

this car is really responsible for everything I have:

the beach house, my jet and my fortune.

Alan.

Shh, she didn't mean it. It's not true.

So that means your dad is kind of responsible

for your success, too, doesn't it?

I never really thought of it like that.

I guess he is.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, that gave me the chills.

Oh! No, wait.

There's a hole in the floorboard.

Anybody else want to drive for a while?

I don't know how to drive.

What?

I grew up in Manhattan.

I've been in taxis and cop cars.

Ooh, this is my first time in the front seat!

Well, there's no time like the present.

I'm gonna pull in here.

I'm pretty sure they sell underwear at Cracker Barrel.

♪ Men. ♪

Berta?

Hey, Zippy.

It's 10:00.

What are you still doing here?

It's 11 years later.

What are you still doing here?

Where's your girlfriend?

Gone. I think I lost her.

You mean "lost" like you broke up

or "lost" like the time Charlie took Jake to Disneyland?

Broke up. Wait-- Charlie lost Jake?

Actually, Jake lost Charlie.

Security found him.

He was doing white snow with Snow White.

So, um,

what did you do to drive this girlfriend away?

She thinks I'm still in love with Lyndsey,

which I'm not, but she doesn't believe me.

Well, make her believe you.

You can make anybody believe anything.

You made the IRS believe you had seven dependents.

That's true.

I went to chiropractic college on an NAACP scholarship.

Exactly.

And you made those people at the movie theater

believe that you were under 14.

And over 65.

Once on the same day.

The, uh, the secret is that both of those groups wear

little baseball caps.

I was saving this for your funeral,

but, Zippy, you're a charmer.

Thanks, Berta.

No. Thank you.

Now I don't have to go to your funeral.

♪ Men. ♪

Wow,

this Utah sky is amazing.

We're indoors.

Wow, this Colorado weed is amazing.

Guess who just joined the 6,106-foot club.

It doesn't count when you do it alone!

Whatever.

I don't like it here.

There's no Wi-Fi or cell service.

It's like one of those movies where you find out

the little town's full of zombies.

Or werewolves.

Or zombie werewolves.

How would that happen?

Hello. Do the math.

Zombie bites a werewolf,

werewolf dies, comes back as a werewolf zombie.

That's a badass, unkillable creature.

He's right. Chain the door.

Wait a second. You think chaining the door

is gonna stop a zombie werewolf?

I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna be the guy

who gets killed by a zombie werewolf

'cause I didn't chain the door.

Hey...

thanks for coming with me, guys.

And I'm not just saying that

'cause I can use you as human shields

when the zombie werewolf breaks in the door.

Yeah, I'm really glad we came, too.

And about almost killing you guys

in the car earlier-- that's my bad.

Yeah, well, I am glad

that Cracker Barrel had underwear.

And these "I Heart Denver" sweatpants.

You know, this is still better than that family trip

I took to Utah as a kid.

My dad was trying to convince my mom

to add another wife to the family.

Started the trip with one wife,

tried to get two, came home with zero.

Hotel had a great pool, though.

At least you knew your dad.

I barely knew Charlie.

I got one letter from him my entire childhood.

It said, "Are your friends 18 yet""

Yeah, hearing you guys talk about your dads,

and thinking about mine,

makes me question even wanting to have kids.

You already have kids.

Papa.

Come on. I'm not your dad.

You've been a better dad to me than anybody ever has.

You-you-you took me in,

you inspired me to be a better person.

You pushed me to be a dead junkie.

I really want that for you, too.

She's right, man. You're a role model.

I mean, you believe that

I can make something out of myself

and you stopped me from going to prison

for teaching my son how to masturbate.

That's right. You want to be a hands-on dad,

but not too hands-on.

Hey, bring it in, kiddos.

Oh! Aw...

Oh, Dad? Hmm?

Barry's got his hand on my butt again.

It's not my hand. Okay.

All right.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Gretchie.

I don't want to talk to you right now.

Gretchen's still mad at you, but I'm on your side, Jeff.

Bros before hoes.

Oh, uh, oh, good, you're, uh, you're all here.

Because I have something to say...

to everyone.

Are you sure, Jeff?

Some things are better left unsaid.

I love you so much,

I-I can't imagine my life without you.

Just stop.

Maybe this will help.

Okay, I appreciate the gesture,

but looking for change together isn't gonna work this time.

The only change I want is for us to be husband and wife.

What?!

Gretchen Martin, will you do me the honor

of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?

Oh, my God! My sister and my best...

Wait a minute. Who the hell is Alan Harper?

Larry, look, boobs!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, look at you. You're doing great.

You haven't hit a guardrail in miles.

Once you get the hang of it,

this driving thing isn't so tough.

How about after I restore it, I give it to you?

What? You love this car.

I've gotten what I need out of it,

and I'd rather have it stay in the family.

Who better to have it than my my...

sort-of-daughter.

Aw! You're the best sort-of-dad ever!

Whoa! Hands on the wheel!

Hands on the wheel!

Whoa! Why are you yelling at me?

You should be yelling at them

for driving on the wrong side...

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man