Original subtitles

♪ Men. ♪

Hello, Walden. Good to see you.

I would say, "Good to see you," but, of course,

when I see you, it's usually 'cause things aren't good.

Well, if things were always good with people,

I wouldn't have that condo in Palm Springs.

So...

what's going on?

Well, I left the woman that I loved

and thought I was gonna marry

for another woman who I thought I loved more,

and then...

I lost them both.

So tell me about these women.

Well, Kate was my ex,

but the only reason we broke up in the first place

is 'cause she moved to China.

Um, she's amazing.

She's smart and driven

and sexy and beautiful.

Then there's

Vivian, who's a girl who knocked on my door

'cause she wanted to drink from my hose.

Okay, let's table the hose part for now

and focus on the fact that you broke up with a woman you loved

for a stranger who knocked on your door.

I know. Romantic, right?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Isn't that what I'm paying you to tell me?

Well, if I just tell you the answers,

I don't get to yell at you. And this has to be fun for me, too.

Let me ask you something, Walden.

Have you ever been able to have sex

and not fall in love?

Only with myself.

Well, it seems to me you base your own value

on who's willing to have sex with you.

How do you feel after you sleep with someone?

Grateful.

Happy.

Bashful. Dopey. Basically all the Dwarfs.

Did it ever occur to you that these women

might also be grateful?

No.

Well, why not? You're a smart,

successful, good-looking guy.

There are plenty of women who would love to have sex with you.

Are you flirting with me?

Walden, now you're attempting to forge

an emotional attachment with your gay therapist.

Is it working?

A little bit. You're extremely pretty.

But the point is,

you need to break this pattern.

How am I supposed to do that?

I'm gonna write you a prescription.

You need to learn to enjoy sexual relations

without concluding that every woman...

is the one.

"Bang everything that moves."

Twice a day, if possible. Mixing with alcohol is fine,

just not while driving.

Look,

if you do this, it's very likely that the next time

you fall in love, the emotions that you feel will be authentic

and not just projecting on someone

because you shared a physical connection.

But what if the first woman I have casual sex with

turns out to be the one?

Wow.

When I'm done with you,

I'm gonna be able to buy a yacht.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x20 ♪ Lotta Delis in Little Armenia Original Air Date on April 24, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

So, Mr. Mardirosian, if-if you don't mind my asking,

uh, how did you hear about my chiropractic business,

Adjustments... by the Sea?

You came into the deli.

You asked to pay for your baba ghanoush

with free back adjustment.

Mm. That doesn't narrow it down.

I made that offer in a lotta delis in Little Armenia.

Anyway, why don't you,

uh, hop up on the table and I'll try to make your back

as tender as your kebobs.

Oh, my.

Guess this explains the hair in my hummus.

Whoa.

Those are balls.

Uh, Alan, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, uh, uh, just, just make yourself comfortable.

By the sea.

What's going on? Well, I don't know if you've noticed,

but I haven't really been working very much lately.

You know, now that you mention it,

I have noticed that you've been here literally every day

for the past three years.

My point is I-I'm trying to get my business going again.

Ergo, Adjustments... by the Sea.

That's great.

And I'm really proud of you.

But why's it happening in my living room?

Because you can charge $50 more an hour if it's

by the sea.

And not

above a Quiznos.

Okay, this is my house, not a place of business.

It's just temporary. I-I just need to

build up my clientele so I can rent a new space.

I-I promise, you will not know I'm here.

I always know you're here.

Oh, you are so sweet.

This is gonna be a good thing. You'll see.

I'll never see anything but those balls again.

Of all the places he doesn't have hair.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Berta, can I ask you a personal question?

Twice. Once in college and once

with a waitress from Howard Johnson's.

Oh. No, uh...

Do you think it's possible

to have sex with someone without an emotional attachment?

Of course.

My rule is, "find 'em, fornicate and forget 'em."

Mine is "love 'em, lose 'em,

live the rest of your life with Alan."

I think yours is catchier.

Not as catchy as what I got from that waitress

from Howard Johnson's.

Thank God for penicillin.

She should be on TV.

Hello.

Is this Adjustments by the Sea?

Oh.

Actually, it's pronounced "Adjustments...

by the Sea."

Oh, okay.

Well I-I have an appointment with Dr. Harper at 2:00.

Oh. Uh...

Sorry... D-Dr. Harper isn't here right now.

Um...

You know what, why don't you come

and have a seat and I'll see

if I can reach him.

Okay. Wow.

Ooh, this is quite a place.

Yes, Dr. Harper has made

a tremendous success of his life.

He's gone from having nothing

to living in a house on the beach.

How does he do it?

Adjustments by the Sea. Please hold.

Your call is important to us.

Please stay on the... Alan, it's me.

You didn't have to yell, you could've just

hit zero at any time.

You have a client here. Where are you?

I'm stuck in traffic. There was an accident.

Well, how long till you get here? I don't know.

How long does it take the Jaws of Life to pry open a Prius?

Just-just keep her busy.

How? I'm not a chiropractor.

According to the state licensing board, neither am I.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Ugh. The one time I actually want him in my house.

I'm sorry, he's stuck in traffic.

I'm Walden.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Tracy.

I have to say, the view here is very impressive.

Oh, yeah.

The beach is beautiful, isn't it?

I wasn't talking about the beach.

You're not?

Oh.

You're talking about...

Thank you.

Um...

So, Walden, are-are you a chiropractor, too?

Oh, no. You do not want these hands

touching your body.

I don't have the proper credentials.

I do, however, have a note from a doctor.

Is that velour?

You are adorable.

So, how'd you hurt your back?

You know, it might just be easier if I showed you.

Easy's... always good.

That's true.

Although some things are better when they're harder.

Oh, yeah, like working out.

Or what you're talking about.

I see how you hurt your back.

I hope I didn't hurt yours.

Sorry for the scratch marks. Yeah.

Listen, um,

I hope you don't take this the wrong way...

Oh. I think taking it the wrong way is what fixed my back.

Actually, that was an accident, but it worked out for everyone.

Anyway, I...

I recognize that what we just shared

is something very intimate,

and it would only be natural for both of us

to be experiencing feelings

of affection for one another,

and perhaps develop a desire

to share a meal or a drink

or a couple of years together,

but is it possible that

what might be best

is...

for this to remain a

casual encounter?

Sure.

Really? Yep.

'Cause i-if you want to get a cup of coffee...

Oh, I got to go pick up my kids from soccer. Thanks, Walden.

Aw. What a good mom.

Oh, good, Mrs. Butler, I am so sorry I'm late.

Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine.

Uh, no, no, no, it's not. Uh,

we still have a half an hour. Any kinks you need worked out?

Oh, trust me, the next time I'm feel kinky, I'll be back.

Here you go. Oh.

But I-I didn't...

Oh, don't worry about it. I got to run.

Okay, well, c-come again.

Oh, I will.

Sadly, it's not the first time a woman

has paid me not to touch her.

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.

I had sex yesterday.

Congratulations. When's the wedding?

Oh. No.

This was different.

If the kind of sex I had was a suit,

it would be made of linen, because it was

so casual.

You? Really?

I know. You believe it?

We started having sex, and I caught myself

trying to make love, and I said, "No,

no, no".

"This is gonna be meaningless and empty,

"like two wild elk

rutting on the Siberian tundra."

You know, only male elk rut.

And only lesbians who didn't have sex last night

point out stupid animal facts.

I got it.

Hello? Hi. Is this Adjustments by the Sea?

Oh, uh, actually, today it's Adjustments by the Closed Patio Door,

because a, uh, seagull pooped on my last client.

Uh... I am Dr. Alan Harper.

Uh, do you have an appointment?

Uh, I do. But I was hoping

I could see your associate, Walden?

Oh, no, there, uh, there must be some kind of mistake.

Walden doesn't actually work with me.

According to my friend Tracy, he worked with her quite well.

Um, Tracy?

She was here yesterday.

For the... internal massage.

Oh! Oh!

Well... well, I don't...

know what went on between the two of them,

but this is not that type of business.

Okay, I get it.

Maybe this will help. Oh, no, I'm not really comfortable,

uh, letting you stand out in the cold. Please come in.

Um...

Thank you.

Now, um, if I want anything special,

should I negotiate with Walden directly?

Oh. No.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Uh, uh, uh, Walden...

Walden...

considers himself an artist.

And as far as he's concerned,

you're just two strangers

meeting in a chiropractic waiting room.

Uh, any mention of money would just upset him.

I understand.

Yeah. Oh, and, uh, here's a diagram of the human body.

If you'd like, you can mark the areas

that you'd like him to give special attention to.

Oh. Oh, my.

Uh, "X" marks the G-spot.

Oh, oh, good, Walden, uh, you're here.

Um, uh, I need your help.

Um, could you keep my client company until I get back?

Alan,

I'm not here to babysit your clients.

I can do it.

No. Uh...

No. No.

This is a man's job.

I-I'll be right back.

Hi. I'm sorry.

Uh, Dr. Harper had to take care of something

really quick.

Is there anything I can offer you?

Well, that depends.

Can I offer you anything...

stranger?

Well, I do see a...

couple things I like.

So do I.

You've got a lovely place here.

I can't wait to see every inch of it.

That might take a while.

Why?

Is it big?

I've been told that it's quite big.

Wait, wait, we're not really talking about the house, are we?

No, no, we're not. Oh.

Yay!

It's big.

Would you like a tour?

I think that is an excellent idea!

Oh, um,

by the way, my name's... Up, bup, bup, bup, bup.

No names.

Today we are just two

wild elk...

on the frozen tundra.

Ooh, elk. I can do that.

Eee-ohh!

I don't know what's weirder,

that noise or the fact that it turned me on.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, sorry about that.

Where's my client?

How do I say this, exactly?

I had sex with your client.

What?!

I know. And it's not the first one.

My therapist prescribed that I have meaningless sex

to take care of my codependency issues.

Oh, my God!

I know. I'm sorry.

Well, look, look, obviously, you know,

I can't... condone this kind of behavior.

But, you know, if you... if you think it's...

helping you, I mean, that's really the important thing.

It is helping. I feel so free.

Do you know what it's like to have sex

with a woman who never wants to see you again?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

I appreciate you understanding,

but I'm sure that this has taken a toll on your business.

I... Here.

Here's... $200.

Oh, oh, no, you don't have to do that, Walden.

No, no. Take it.

No, I'm not taking your money, Walden.

I insist. No, no, no.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

♪ You know, it's hard out here for a pimp ♪

♪ When he trying to get this money for the rent ♪

♪ For the Cadillacs and gas money spent ♪

♪ 'Cause a whole lot of ... jumping ship ♪

♪ You know, it's hard out here for a pimp ♪

♪ When he trying to get this money for the rent ♪

♪ For the Cadillacs and gas money spent ♪

♪ 'Cause a whole lot of ... jumping ship ♪

♪ In my eyes, I done seen some crazy thangs in the street... ♪

Hey.

Think I have another one for you.

I don't know, I think I'm over the whole one-night stand thing.

Come on.

You said you wanted

to get into the casual sex game.

I got you into the game.

Now you're telling me you're tired?

The game doesn't work like that.

Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure that I could.

My penis looks like one of those dried-out 7-Eleven hot dogs.

Look, I'm not gonna twist your arm or...

break a finger or anything.

Bottom line, I just want you to be happy, baby.

Okay, what-what is the matter with you?

Why are you massaging me and calling me "baby"

and dressed like a gay cheetah?

Don't hate the cheetah.

Hate the game.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna go talk to this woman.

Mostly 'cause I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Attaboy. Oh, oh, hang on a second.

Um...

okay, uh...

Okay. Now go have fun.

♪ Men. ♪

Oh... my... God.

That was fantastic.

Your partner was right-- you're the best.

Partner? What are you talking about?

The weird little guy downstairs.

Oh, that...

He's not my partner.

Oh. Gotcha.

Anyway, uh, don't share this with your...

"not partner."

Wink, wink.

What's this?

Oh, just a little tip.

For the big one you gave me.

Y-You don't have to give me a tip.

Yeah, right. Like I didn't have to pay the guy downstairs

for the "Walden Package."

You... you paid him?

It was worth every penny.

Alan!

Oh, by the way, I think you might be the one.

Alan!

I'm your whore?

Your whore?!

Oh. What? No!

I mean, "whore" is such an ugly word

for such a pretty man.

How could you!

You knew I was using desperate, horny housewives

for meaningless sex to improve myself,

and you had to go and turn it into something ugly!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It just sort of happened by accident.

It was a one-time thing, and then you turned into the goose

that laid the golden eggs, and then into the goose

that laid whatever the hell I told it to.

This is a new low, even for you.

Oh, big words coming from someone having sex for money.

Alan...

Yeah?

Run.

Ow! My pimp hand!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hello?

Hi. Is this Adjustments by the Sea?

Yeah. But, uh, actually, we're closed.

Oh, that's such a shame.

'Cause I was really hoping

to see Walden.

Oh, I'm Walden. Please come in.

Hey...

um, just to be clear,

the way this works is that I pay you money

and in return you have sex with me?

Yes.

By the sea!

All righty, then, I have heard all I need to hear.

Okay. Are you... ready to start?

Oh, yes. But first,

you have the right to remain silent.

And you have the right to make as much noise as you want.

Anything you say can and will be held against you.

I'd like to hold those against me.

Oh.

Oh, kinky. Okay.

You're being arrested.

Yes, I am-- by your captivating gaze.

Oh, wait, I'm-I'm really being arrested?

Yeah. Oh, oh, God, no, no,

we-we can work this out.

I-I have money.

Walden, Walden, help me.

Walden! Okay, wait,

j-just to be clear, we're not having sex, right?

When are you gonna tell him that was my acting coach?

Probably after the cavity search.

By the sea!

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man