Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.

Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs for the weekend.

You want to... come inside?

That's what she said! That's what she said!

No, I really like Gretchen.

I can't do this.

Jeff Strongman can't.

But Alan Harper can.

Works for me.

♪ Men ♪

(computer dings)

Oh, ho, ho, boy.

What?

Just got an interesting e-mail.

If it says, "Local horny housewives looking for action,"

it's a lie.

It should say, "Local police entrapping confused citizens."

It's an Evite from Kate.

She's opening a boutique in LA.

Who's Kate?

Eh, it's a long story.

It's not that long.

Kate was the great love of Walden's life

who he met by pretending he was poor.

But by the time he told her the truth,

she'd become a successful clothing designer

and moved to China.

At first they e-mailed frequently but...

you know, it tapered off over time.

Now he just uses Google Earth to try to look

in her bedroom window, but the image hasn't refreshed

in months, so he just stares for hours at this picture

of this Hong Kong cab driver named Bai Ling, it's...

I never told you any of that.

Well, it's kind of my job to know

the ins and outs of your life.

No, it's not.

Look, if you don't want me know this stuff,

come up with a harder password than

"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar symbol-big-C-little-K."

Look, she-she says, "I hope to see ya."

That's good, right?

Is it "ya," Y-A,

or "you," Y-O-U?

"Ya." Y-A.

Ehh. Mm.

Why ehh? She hopes I can make it.

I say "ya" when I want to blow somebody off.

See ya.

Call ya.

I have "chlamydi-ya."

She's right.

Get out of here, "ya freak."

Never done this before, have "ya"?

I'm your cousin, what's wrong with...

"ya"?

It doesn't matter whether it's you or ya.

The important thing is she wants me to go.

On the other hand,

it could be a mass e-mail.

I'd hate to show up and have her talking to some guy

named Jacques or Filippo.

Okay, those names are awesome.

Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.

I live with my mother but it's-a not weird 'cause I'm Italian.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Just go and see.

And Filippo...

your fly's open.

Scusi.

Hey.

Is that your stuff?

Is it... h-happening?

Are you moving out?

You're cute. I'm not leaving

till I'm in a box.

No, I, uh, I dug out all our old board games

for my couples night with Larry.

You know, Monopoly, Parcheesi, Clue.

Wow, first you have sex with this guy's girlfriend,

now you're having sex with his sister?

I'm going with Larry, in the living room, with the lead pipe.

Larry actually wants us to spend more time together

now that I'm dating Gretchen.

How's Lyndsey taking you moving on?

Pretty well. Uh, last night she said, "I still want you."

(gasps) "You." "You."

I heard him, I heard him.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x18 ♪ West Side Story Original Air Date on April 3, 201

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

♪ Men. ♪ Uh, it's a movie.

West Side Story.

Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We have a winner. (whoops)

How the hell did you get that?

Oh, you know, fin, shark, Sharks and Jets,

and I know how my Jeffy loves his musicals. (laughs)

My favorite musical is My Fair Lady 'cause

it reminds me of my Gretchie. Aw.

I think I'm gonna wretchie.

You guys are tough.

Well, it's like I can read her mind. I think it.

And I say it. Well...

Larry and I are the same way.

Watch. It's a movie.

A duck. A beak. A duck.

Flying ducks. Uh...

Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.

Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.

Duck, duck, goose. Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.

Mighty Ducks 2.

Mighty Ducks 3.

It's not a duck.

Aflac.

Ben Affleck.

Good Will Hunting.

Hunting ducks.

Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.

It's The Wizard of Oz.

There's no duck in The Wizard of Oz.

What the duck is wrong with you?

I need a drink.

Uh, anyone else want a refill? Gretchen?

Why don't you just read her mind?

Oh, okay, um...

Sex on the beach.

(laughs) And not the drink.

Looks like my fair lady is more like my naughty lady.

Can you guess what I'm thinking, Lyndsey?

Ducks.

Whoa, that is spooky.

♪ Men. ♪

Lyndsey!

Hey, Alan.

Let's see if you can read my mind.

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with duck.

Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I just came in for a little dessert.

Okay, uh, well, there's, uh, there's pie, there's cake,

there's (shudders): gluten-free cookies.

Hey, Jeff?

Lyndsey?

Hey, hey, how did I get here?

Am I sleepwalking?

Lyndsey?

Thi-This isn't what it looks like.

It looks like you're cheating.

O-Okay, I-I can explain, thi-thi... uh...

I'm not stupid. I know what's going on.

You're never gonna fit in that wedding dress

if you keep cheating on your diet.

Yes, the-the-the diet.

He's not stupid.

You're right, honey. I am weak.

I-I... This is all my fault, Larry.

As best man, it's my job to make sure that

nothing goes into her mouth that shouldn't be there.

Exactly. You can't let her blow it.

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, my God. I'm so nervous.

Do I look nervous?

I don't want to be nervous... (hacks)

Dry mouth, it's... (hacks)

Is that weird? I don't want to be weird. Am I weird?

There she is.

(hacks)

Hi, handsome.

Hey, bring it in. (laughs)

Oh, wow!

I-I forgot how beautiful you are.

That's a lie.

I think about it every day.

You look beautiful, too.

Thank you. I'm using a new seaweed scrub.

It makes me smell like dead fish, but I get a glow.

This is Barry and Jenny.

Uh, they're my...

new Alans.

Oh. Hi, it's nice to meet you.

You, too.

You look different than your satellite photos.

Whoa, Barry. Can you hang on one second?

I just have to say good-bye to this magazine editor.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Okay, I'll be right back. Okay.

Oh, uh, uh, if you can't find me,

just follow the smell of dead fish.

Oh, my God, if I die tonight, that's gonna be

the last thing she remembers me saying.

(hacks)

Would you just relax?

She's obviously into you. I mean,

she looks at you the way that...

he looks at me.

Like... she wants to eat me?

Exactly.

Barry, when I said, "bite me,"

it didn't mean what you think it means.

Just-Just ask her out.

What... And then what? Then she goes back to China,

and I get left heartbroken again?

Think about it this way:

You can either spend the next two days hanging out with her

or the next two days hanging out with us.

Kate...?

Come on, Barry.

Let's get drunk and grope models.

That's nice.

Oh...!

What... Walden? Sorry.

I... (chuckles) So my date's a little tipsy.

Don't worry, she's not driving.

Hey, do you want to go out?

I don't know, for-for dinner or something?

I mean, no pressure. Just two old friends catching up.

Yeah. Two old friends who've...

taken pictures of each other naked.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I deleted those photos. I didn't.

Me neither. (laughs)

Well, I do want to hear what's been going on.

I've got so much to tell you.

So let's-let's do it.

Okay. Dinner.

Conversation. No sex.

Get rid of the conversation and we can pretend we're married.

(laughs) ♪ Men. ♪

Well, thanks again. This was fun.

I'm gonna walk Jeff out.

Oh, right, you guys probably want some privacy

so you can play tonsil hockey.

Seriously, Larry?

What? It's not like we don't know they're having sex.

Remember the other night when I was like,

"Wow, they're really going at it," and you were like,

"Larry," and I was like, "What?," and you were like

"Focus on me," and I was like, "Why? I already finished,"

and you were like... I remember.

Why don't I get the door for you?

Well, uh, once again, we had a lovely

evening, it was a very nice... Yeah, yeah, see ya.

Wow. That was uncomfortable.

I think Lyndsey's tired of having me around.

I've been living in the guest room for two weeks.

Doesn't seem so long to me.

Hey, how about tomorrow night, we go to your place?

Uh, my place?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, oh, but, uh,

but what about Larry? I mean, he-he seems to really enjoy

hearing us have sex.

Jeff, do you not want me to see your place?

I mean, If you're worried about getting rid of your porn, don't.

I love porn.

You're perfect.

Did someone make you in the lab

or were you sent directly from Heaven?

That's me.

I am a robot angel

who loves masturbating to pornography.

My place it is. Tomorrow night.

Great.

I can't wait to see what your place looks like.

(chuckles)

(door closes)

Neither can I.

♪ Men. ♪

Mm! Oh, uh, quick, Barry, call the police.

A male model is robbing us and he's already stolen my heart.

What do you want?

My heart back.

Also, uh, Gretchen is coming over tonight.

Why?

She wants to see Jeff Strongman's place.

This isn't even Alan Harper's place.

Ooh, "Alan Harper's Place." That's a...

That's a good name for a sitcom.

Alan Harper's Place

is filmed before a live studio audience.

That's funny. Anyway...

just while she's here, just call me Jeff.

Or Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg, you know, whatever.

Just have fun with it.

Okay, I'm gonna go on my date now.

And when I get back, I don't want to see Gretchen

or Jeff or J-Dawg

or DJ Strongman.

(chuckles) Word.

Yeah. You know, in fact, I don't even want to see Alan

or A-Dawg or any of the cast of Alan Harper'ace.

You know...

if I had a place to sleep here,

my apartment would be free.

You had me at "free."

♪ Men. ♪

So, have you traveled around China at all?

Did you get to see the Great Wall?

Yeah, I saw it.

It's a good wall.

It's not great.

I felt the same way about the Grand Canyon.

More like the Bland Canyon.

(laughs) I'm glad we came back here.

I thought it was appropriate to come back to the place

we had our first date.

Yeah, it's very sweet.

Of course, that's when I thought you were poor.

Now you're just cheap.

Well, I figured since we're not having sex,

why bother spending a lot of money on dinner?

Tonight just kind of feels right, you know?

Totally. And, honestly,

the no sex thing isn't weird at all.

I didn't even have to shave my legs.

I did, but that was more of a personal choice. (laughs)

It's like friends with no benefits.

Yeah, I actually kind of prefer it.

I mean, there's no pressure. No nerves.

No walk of shame.

No massages.

No... hot oil.

No kisses on my neck.

No fingers running down my spine.

No orgasms.

No idea why we're not having sex right now.

I'll race you to the car. I'm right behind you.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, God, I've been waiting a year for this.

It feels so great to be with you again.

Uh-uh-uh. That's against the rules.

No feelings.

So you don't want me to feel this?

(gasps)

Apparently, the rules can be bent.

And straightened. (chuckles)

(moaning)

(stomach gurgles)

Was that... you or me?

Girls don't make sounds like that, Walden.

Oh. Mm.

(moaning) (stomach gurgles)

That was you!

(retching, vomiting)

Did I make it to the toilet?

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, this is a cute place.

Yeah, it really is cute, isn't it?

I really like what I've done with it.

(cat meows)

Oh, and you have a cat.

Apparently I do.

What's his name?

Uh, his name is... Mister...

Cat.

You are terrible at coming up with names, Jeff Strongman.

Hey, you didn't tell me you went to MIT.

Uh, well, you know, I don't like to brag. (chuckles)

Well, what'd you major in?

Uh... math.

With a-a focus on...

numbers.

I'm terrible at math.

Every time I count to 100, I keep getting stuck on 69.

(chuckles) Ooh, dirty math jokes.

Let's see how many times your orgasms multiply.

(giggles)

We really are perfect for each other.

I know, right?

Can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course, anything.

You are the first man I have trusted since my divorce.

Well, uh, you know, MIT stands for "Man I Trust," so...

No, it's... it's more than that.

My husband was a liar and a cheater.

He was not the man I thought he was.

Well, you know, some guys can be real jerks.

Well, thank God you're not like that, Jeff.

(chuckling): Yeah. Thank God.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring us down. It just...

feels so good to open up and let somebody in again, you know?

Aw, well, I'm glad you did.

In fact, I'm not even gonna make a dirty joke

about you opening up and letting me in.

Oh!

You care enough about me to pass up sexy wordplay. (chuckles)

And it was very hard on me. (chuckles)

You said "hard on." Kiss me.

♪ Men. ♪

(Kate moaning)

How you doing in there? You okay?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

(moans)

You know, if someone read a transcript of this date,

it'd sound like we were having hot sex.

Oh, God, it's in my hair.

That sounds like we just finished having hot sex.

(distant shriek)

What was that?

Hold on. I think Alan just saw a spider again.

What the hell is going on?

Whoa. Lyndsey.

Barry!

Wait, you two didn't...

Are you kidding? No!

Third base.

I got into bed to surprise Alan, and...

Scusi.

Where is Alan?

Uh, he's at my place.

What? What?

(stomach gurgles)

What the hell was that?

Oh, God.

(retching)

So... you ready for a ride on the Barry-go-round?

♪ Men. ♪

(moans, sniffs)

(grunts) I really regret buying a wicker wastebasket right now.

Thank you.

I can't help feeling this is my fault.

Why? Just 'cause you ordered the squid surprise?

"Try it, Walden, it won't kill you."

I wish it had. (laughs)

Only you could make me smile when I'm this sick.

I really missed you.

I've missed you, too.

Even if this is the way that we spend the whole time

that you're here...

...I'm just glad that we're together.

You are so sweet.

Hey, uh, you know right after you throw up,

how there's that 20-minute window when you feel better?

Yeah...?

I'm in mine.

So...

if you're in yours...

Then you could put yours in mine.

Exactly.

(chuckles)

(stomach gurgles)

Uh-oh.

Window's closing!

(stomach gurgling)

(moans) Me, too.

♪ Men. ♪

Ooh, squid.

Shrimp's sexy sister.

Mmm. (doorbell rings)

Mm.

Mmm, hmm.

Tastes a little odd, but, eh,

Alans can't be choosers.

Oh, hey, Lyndsey, what's up?

Where were you last night? Last night?

And don't do that thing where you ask questions

while you think of a lie.

That thing where I ask questions while I think of a lie?

I was with Gretchen.

I see. Well, I snuck into your room

to give you a little surprise

and molested the kid sleeping in your bed.

Please tell me he's 18.

Honestly, if you told me he was anywhere from 12 to 60

I'd believe you.

Okay, fine. L-Let's not waste time fighting.

I have a half hour till I have to go meet Larry.

He's in the park feeding the frickin' ducks.

Oh. Oh, no, no. Lyndsey, wait. Um...

What?

I can't do this.

What do you need: pills, porn or pinky?

No... no, I'm-I'm-I'm not gonna have-have sex with you.

I-I really like Gretchen.

I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

So, I-I guess this is good-bye.

Well, I'm still gonna be the best man at your wedding.

Good-bye, Alan.

Well, well, look who's back for more.

Get away from me, ya freak.

Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?

♪ Men. ♪

(sighs) Well...

this has been horrible.

Yes.

But from now on, every time you see a toilet,

you'll think of me.

And every time you hear a woman say

"Hold my hair out of the puke water,"

you'll think of me. (chuckles)

So, listen,

next time we see each other, if we're still single,

we'll forget all the rules and just... bang our brains out.

At the very least,

I'll get an air mattress for the bathroom floor.

(chuckles) Agreed.

Let's not make a big deal of this.

Let's just... kiss and say good-bye.

Bye. Bye.

BERTA: Sorry about that.

Thanks.

By the way, I saw your bathroom.

I quit.

(knocking on door)

Screw China.

Let's do it right now.

Oh, wow.

You're lighter than I remember.

I'm not lighter, I'm just empty.

(whoops, chuckles)

Puking all night and screwing all day.

It's like Charlie never left.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

(cat screeching) Ow, ow!

(cat yowling) D-Down, Mr. Cat.

Down! Down!

I really love that little guy.

You want some breakfast?

Uh, sure, if it comes with a side order of Gretchen.

You can serve me over easy.

And you can serve me sunny-side all up in your bid-ness.

(chuckles)

Oh. Hey.

Who the hell are you? No, it-it's okay, it's okay.

This is my...

...son.

Jimmy.

Jimmy Strongman.

It's Jim, Dad. I'm not a little kid anymore.

(stomach grumbles)

Oh, God.

What was that?

Squid!

Mmm.

My other mom never dressed like that.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man