Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.

Will you marry me?

Yes, I will marry you!

I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of being my best man.

What? What?

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.

I think the computer just read his thoughts.

Yes!

The guy I had dinner with last night offered me

a job in San Francisco.

Where does that leave us?

I have to take this.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm here for you.

If you wanted to go with her...

Oh, thank God.

I thought about what you said

I don't want to work for Google.

I want to stay and work with you.

We're gonna do great things together.

All right.

So where do I sleep?

♪ Men. ♪

Uh...

hello?

Oh, hey.

Jake?

Barry.

Did you break into this house and kill Walden?

'Cause if you did, just know...

I'm one hell of a roommate.

No, I'm a friend of Walden's.

I'm gonna be crashing here for a few days.

Actually, Walden would probably say I'm his best friend.

Oh, really?

'Cause I have a picture of us at Splash Mountain

that refutes that statement.

What's that you're cooking?

Cinnamon French toast; Walden's favorite.

Walden's allergic to cinnamon.

No, Walden is allergic to nutmeg.

Touché.

What's his birthday, favorite color and worst fear?

July 12, forest green, dying in your arms.

Coffee? Cream, two Splendas?

Wait, y-you know what I like, too?

I know a lot of things.

I know that you're sleeping with Lyndsey,

who is engaged to Larry,

who thinks you're Jeff Strongman,

and you just went on a date with Gretchen, Larry's sister.

And your worst fear is not dying in this house.

Witch.

Get out of my head.

Something smells good.

That is the cinnamon French tatas.

Hey, you-you must be Jake.

Give your cousin Jenny a hug.

That's not Jake. Shut up, Dad.

Morning!

Hey, Berta.

Welcome home, Jake.

That's not Jake.

That's Walden's friend Barry.

Uh, Berta,

making a special batch of French toast for you

topped with a dollop of marijuana butter.

I like "Not Jake."

All right, who wants the first batch?

Aw, hell, no.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x17 ♪ Welcome Home, Jake Original Air Date on March 13, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

Hey.

Extra! Extra!

Alan boards the Titanic!

Read all about it!

You're just jealous.

Jealous of what? Your up-and-coming role

in the Newsies remake?

I will have you know that the salesgirl at Goodwill said

that I look dashing.

Why are you wearing this outfit?

I'm going out with Gretchen again tonight.

As her date or her caddie?

Oh, that reminds me-- I gotta get a cover for my wood.

Why are you going out with her again?

What do you mean? I like her, she likes me--

honestly, I can see myself spending the rest

of Jeff Strongman's life with her.

Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman,

she is a real person.

With real feelings.

And real...

I know, I know. I... I don't want to hurt her.

If that's the case, then you need to walk away.

I-I will, I will. You're right.

Right after I have sex with her.

No!

Well, I'm not gonna walk away while I'm having sex with her.

That would be rude.

Hey, Jeff Strongman looks good in that hat.

Top of the day to you, too, sir.

Wait, you can tell when he's not Alan?

Oh, yeah. I mean, Jeff exudes a quiet confidence,

whereas Alan just...

exudes.

Is there a shower I can use? Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, Alan's room's down the hall on the left.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. What about Jenny's?

She's in there with Brooke.

Yeah, I don't think I can go in there again "by accident."

But-but, uh, wh-what about your bathroom?

They're all my bathrooms!

Alan's shower.

Great.

Uh...

so, is this a "pee in the shower"

or "not pee in the shower" household?

"Not pee in the shower."

So it's a "pee in the shower and lie about it" household.

And don't touch my shower porn!

That stuff took a long time to laminate.

Everything... you... say... is... weird.

Look, look, I know you're upset about Barry moving in with us,

but hitting me with a 25-cent hat

is not gonna solve anything.

He's not moving in.

He's just staying here for a couple days

while we brainstorm some new tech ideas.

Oh, Walden, you're such a pushover.

Somebody else said they were only gonna stay in the house

for a few days. Remember that?

Oh, believe me, I remember.

And now, here we are, four months later,

and Jenny's still living with us.

Why... can't... you... hear... yourself?

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Summer lovin', had me a blast ♪

♪ Summer lovin' ♪

♪ Happened so fa-ast ♪

♪ I met a girl crazy for me ♪

♪ Met a boy cute as can be ♪

Maybe we should start again.

Why, was I pitchy?

You are so adorable.

Oh, and you have broccoli in your teeth.

Oh... You want to get it for me?

Ooh, a kiss and a free meal.

Mmm...!

Yum.

I've never had broccoli and tongue before.

I gotta say, I love that hat on you.

Oh!

You know, it's funny, I gave one just like that to Goodwill.

Yeah, yeah, this is the same one.

Well, uh,

thanks again for dinner tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Next one's on you, though.

Absolutely. Um, speaking of which,

I'm not sure we should keep seeing each other.

What? We don't have to go somewhere expensive.

Oh, God, you're making this so hard.

That's what he said!

Oh, peas, pod.

No, it's... it's just, you know,

I'm Larry's best man and you're his sister.

I mean, what if things go wrong and we screw up the wedding?

Look, I like you

and I think you like me,

and if it'll make you more comfortable,

we can keep it a secret for now.

I mean, if you're good at keeping secrets.

I don't know.

"Strongman" in German means "honest man."

Is that true?

Jawohl.

But I suppose we could keep it...

under ze radar.

Great. Hmm...

So you know, uh...

Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs for the weekend.

They are? Yeah.

You want to... come inside?

That's what she said!

♪ Men. ♪

This is awesome.

These are the best graphics I've ever seen.

Uh-oh!

The cops shot my tires out.

Now I'm runnin'.

Oh... Wait, this isn't a video game.

We're watching a car chase on the news.

Oh.

So I probably didn't score that three-pointer

to win the Laker game, either.

Are you sure you're not Jake?

I'm not sure.

Hey, are you guys really lesbians?

Or are you like those "lesbian" from Craigslist

that came over and tied me up and stole my laptop?

If we weren't, would we do this?

Okay, brain, you are high,

but I need you to remember this.

Forget calculus if you have to.

Hey.

Nobody heard the pizza guy at the door?

I told you we wouldn't have to get up.

Told you we wouldn't have to pay for it.

Is this all you guys have been doing the whole day?

No, we spent an hour

trying to find where you hid your bong.

Which knocked me into overtime, FYI.

Walden, I am loving it here.

I mean, pizza, lesbians, weed scavenger hunts...

Nobody paying rent...

It just keeps getting better.

Hey, Barry, can I talk to you for a second?

Ooh, you're in trouble!

Is this why you're here?

Just to hang out and get high and eat pizza?

I feel like this is a trick question.

'Cause I thought you were here

to work on a new project with me.

No, no, no, I am!

I am. Okay, okay, check out this idea:

So I was watching Brooke and Jenny make out earlier,

and I thought to myself,

what if we filmed lesbians

doing stuff to each other...

and then we put that on the Internet?

How has no one thought of that?

I know!

You know what?

It's too late for them.

They're a lost cause.

We can hear you.

I will give any of you... $100.

All you have to do

is come up here and take it from me.

Later. Nah, I'm fine. - Nah.

Do you see that?

Don't be them!

I only let you stay here

for a few days to help you transition.

Okay, okay. I got another idea.

Uh... bacon-flavored eggs.

All me and you got to figure out

is how to make the chicken and the pig have sex.

Well, maybe you could show 'em the lesbian porn.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

What if you got the chickens drunk?

Would that work?

I've gotten laid a lot by getting chicks drunk.

Hey, Berta, what about you?

You ever been with a woman?

Have you?

There you are.

Get down off that couch, you naughty boy.

Ooh, a quarter.

Hey, this hat just paid for itself.

Give me that.

Drop it.

Ruh-roh.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

So, how was Palm Springs?

What the hell's going on here?

It-it isn't what it looks like.

It looks like you're having kinky sex with my sister.

Then it is what it looks like.

I can't believe this.

Me, neither.

This is the best day of my life!

What?!

What guy doesn't want to see his best friend bang his sister?

What?! What?! What?!

My two favorite people in the world got together.

Those are your two favorite people?

Don't worry. You're number three.

If you were banging my sister, you'd be number one.

Well, I'm-I'm glad you're so excited about this.

I was worried you were gonna punch me in the face.

Ah, if anything, I'd maybe

swat you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Or cut off your balls.

Well, I'm gonna go get dressed.

I have to take Jeff for a walk.

Hey, you know that special bottle of champagne

we were saving for our wedding?

Let's pop it now!

Why not? I just popped your sister five minutes ago.

Jeff, you are the king!

Really? What are you doing with Larry's sister?

Just a little game.

You know, I-I pretend I'm a dog, and she rescues me,

and then I give her my bone.

All right, Alan, you know what? Stop.

Stop being friends with my fiancé,

stop dating my fiancé's sister, and stop poking me on Facebook.

It doesn't mean what you think it does.

You know what? You can't tell me what to do.

I am my own man.

I will do what I want

with whomever I want whenever I want.

Now, excuse me.

You're standing on my leash.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ All the single Barrys, all the single Barrys ♪

♪ Make a turkey sandwich, make a turkey sandwich ♪

♪ If you like it then you should have put some cheese on it ♪

♪ If you like it then you should have put some cheese on it ♪

♪ May-a-o, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh... ♪

Oh, hey.

Bare, can I talk to you?

Sure. What's up?

Let me ask you something.

Suppose you had someone living with you,

and you wanted them to leave.

How would you go about making that clear?

Well, I don't like confrontation,

so I'd probably do something passive-aggressive

like sit them down

and ask them how they would approach...

Oh, you're asking me to move out.

No, no, no, no, I'm not asking you to move out.

I'm-I'm asking you to move in...

to the... outside.

Okay.

Boy, man, I'm so sorry.

I just have been having a lot of fun here, you know.

Everybody's so nice, and you've been so welcoming.

Up until just now when you told me to get the hell out.

Don't get me wrong.

It's not that I don't love having you here.

It's just that I don't think that I can legally

have anyone else live here unless I adopt them.

I'm down for that.

Okay, well, let's table that,

but in-in the meantime, we'll look for an apartment for you.

Uh, well, I mean, today is kind of already shot.

Maybe pick it up tomorrow?

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

I mean, it's-it's 10:30.

In the morning.

Great. Uh, I'm gonna go get high

and eat my sandwich out on the deck.

Okay

He's never moving out.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Wait. Are you just getting back from your date with Gretchen?

No. No, no. I had to go back to the restaurant.

I left my hat at the valet stand.

Liar!

You would never pay for parking.

All right, admit it, you slept with Gretchen.

You're right, I slept with her.

And I found a broken meter two blocks from the restaurant.

I thought you were calling it off with her.

Well, I started to, but you-you know how breakups go.

I mean, you try to be considerate

and let her down easy, and next thing you know,

you're wearing a dog collar and a leash

while she lets you lick peanut butter

out of a chew toy between her boobs.

♪ Men. ♪

Whoa...

Look at this place.

Hello, apartment, good-bye panties, huh?

I don't think this place is for me.

It just doesn't scream "Barry."

It will when the panties come off.

No. Plus, the feng shui is just off.

All right.

This is the sixth place you didn't like.

And the last one you said was in a bad school district.

What's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing's going on. I just...

I've never really lived alone before.

Never?

Well, when my dad left, I lived with my mom,

and then boarding school,

and then, in college, I always had roommates,

and then after college, I lived with Nicole.

I mean, I'm like a baby duck, Walden.

When Mama Duck leaves, I cling to the next mama duck.

Okay, but my flock is too big,

so, you gotta get the flock out of my house.

I don't know if I can make it on my own.

Okay, listen, I know what's going on.

I know how you feel.

I felt the same way when my wife walked out on me.

What did you do?

I bought a house

and let a 45-year-old man and his son live there.

Wow. A real Scared Straight moment here.

Let's grab up a pizza on the way back to the beach.

Barry, listen to me.

I'm going to say something to you

that I have never said before in my life.

You can't live with me.

Oh, my God.

I did it.

I'm sorry. You're-You're my first.

No, no, no, I don't want to be your first.

Your first should be someone special,

like a whore that your stepdad buys you.

...is an example I just made up.

Listen, Barry, you're... you are gonna be okay.

And you can come and visit anytime that you want.

Really?

Yeah, just stop on by.

But you can't live with me!

Now or ever.

Okay, but I can't just stay here.

Yes, you can!

I'm gonna take care of the paperwork,

and then I'll send your stuff over.

You just make yourself at home.

But you can't live with me!

All right, message received.

Okay, I'm sorry-- I'm just... I'm really excited.

This is a big moment for me.

I'm gonna go find Alan.

You can't live with me!

You can't live with me!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

But you can't live with me!

♪ Men. ♪

I can't tell you how happy I am you guys are dating.

No offense, Sis, but some of the guys you've brought home--

I mean, no job, no house, no car.

Real losers.

Wow, sounds like the deadbeats

I used to date before I found Larry.

Well, I've, uh, I've had some real winners in my past, too.

Cheaters, drunks,

45-year-old women trying to pass as 38.

Lyndsey just turned 38!

Well, luckily, those people are out of our lives now.

Yeah, but sometimes I swear

I can see their stupid faces right in front of me.

That might be a wine-induced hallucination.

Speaking of wine, a toast to the four of us.

May this be the first of many dinners, celebrations,

holidays, vacations, anniversaries...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

To us. Bottoms up.

I know mine will be.

Mmm! You are a bad girl.

I think we're making them uncomfortable.

Not as uncomfortable as last night,

having sex with your butt on a hot stove.

We were fooling around in the kitchen,

and I picked him up in a moment of passion.

I loved it.

Wow!

Lyndsey doesn't use the stove for cooking or sex.

Sweetie, sweetie, what are you doing?

Don't forget the little butter packets. Oh!

You're my little butter packet.

Oh.

Doesn't look like they're thinking

about any of their exes now.

No, it doesn't.

He's thinking about banging my sister.

I know what he's thinking!

♪ Men. ♪

Okay.

One roommate down, two to go.

Alan...

Hey, there he is.

Barry?

What are you doing here?

Well, you said I could stop by anytime I wanted, so...

Yeah, but I-I just left you.

17 minutes ago.

I know. I missed you, too.

Walden, are you done? We're in the middle of a game.

Hey, can you go on a beer run?

What the hell is going on here?

This is my house!

Do you mind?!

Some of us are trying to nap!

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, oh, well, then put up a sign that says

only one roll of mints per customer.

Oh.

Lyndsey.

Are you waiting?

Someone pooping in there?

What the hell was that about?

"You're my little butter packet."

What upset you more?

That she stole that bread...

or my heart?

So you are doing this just to make me jealous.

No, that's not it at all.

Too bad, 'cause it's working.

I'm sorry, I...

No, I-I really like Gretchen.

I-I can't do this.

Jeff Strongman can't.

But Alan Harper can.

Works for me.

Is that a roll of mints in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, it is a roll of mints.

And a comb.

And a bottle of Paco Rabanne.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

All right, the shot for the win.

Be the ball, see the cups.

Hey, Barry, check out these cups.

Aah! Ball to the face.

First time for everything.

I may need to see that again and again.

Walden, we have security cameras, right?

Where's Walden?

I could totally live here.

Screech, will you never learn?

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man