Original subtitles

♪ Men. ♪

So, Marty, uh, what are we celebrating?

My prostate exam.

Doctor gave me a thumbs up.

At least it felt like a thumb.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're in good health.

Yes, he said I could live another ten years

if I give up alcohol.

Yeah, but you're drinking Scotch.

He had a finger up my keister.

What, am I gonna argue?

It's true; he never complains when I put my...

What is that, the horrifying conversation alarm?

I was hoping it was a truck about to back over me.

It's time for my pills.

Evy, I think I left them in the car.

Would you get them? Of course, dear.

I think the keys are in my pocket.

You may have to root around for them.

Really nice try.

I-I got to remember that.

That's a good one.

You actually have to own something to have keys.

Okay, let me tell you why I'm really here.

You know I have been dating your mother for some time now.

Uh, actually, she's not my mom.

Yeah, or mine.

Well, you boys are a couple and she's your daughter,

so we're like family.

Oh.

No, we're-we're not married.

Oh, but someday.

No, no, we-we don't want to get married.

So why did you guys fight so hard for it?

Yeah, come on, Walden.

You're here, you're queer, get used to it.

As I was saying,

your mother is a beautiful, warm, compassionate woman.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

I would like to ask for her hand in marriage.

Aw. Wow. What?

So, what do you say?

Can I make an honest woman out of your mother?

I doubt it.

But you have my blessing.

Mine, too. Congratulations.

Uh, wait, not-not so fast.

I have a question first.

Would you allow her son to come and live with you

if his current living quarters were to, say,

suddenly become a sauna?

Any son of Evelyn's

always has a place in my home.

Welcome to the family, Dad.

Here are your pills, dear.

Look at that, a hot chick carrying a bag of drugs.

It's like 1970 all over again.

Let's start with the muscle relaxers.

One for you, two for me.

Wow. What are all those for?

It's a combination.

Hardeners and softeners.

I-I have to take these or...

Marty, are you okay? Quick, quick.

P-Press the medic alert.

What is this?

This is a ring.

I've fallen for you, and I can't get up.

What are you saying?

Will you marry me?

I can't believe this.

You are so romantic.

Will I have to sign a prenup?

Of course not.

Then yes,

And I want your son to be my best man.

Oh, my God, really?

Not you; pretty boy over there.

Oh.

In my heart, I knew.

Okay, but at the ceremony,

I'm not gonna root around in your pocket for the ring.

And, Jennifer, you'll be my maid of honor?

Of course. It's like I'm not even here.

Sweet. I love straight weddings.

A bunch of drunk bridesmaids crying

because they don't have a man.

It's like eating fish in a barrel.

So, where are we gonna have the ceremony?

Why don't we just have it here at our place?

Uh, maybe we should discuss this

before we offer up our place.

Do what I do; just go along with it,

and later, take it out on him in the bedroom.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x13 ♪ Bite Me, Supreme Court Original Air Date on January 30, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, Berta, uh,

can I try something out on you?

There isn't enough alcohol in the world.

No, I'm writing a toast for my mother's wedding.

Uh, so far I've got, uh,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am so pleased

"to welcome Marty Pepper to our family.

"Uh, to know Marty is to love him.

"He's a kind, sweet and generous man,

"which proves once and for all

that opposites really do attract."

So, you're telling everyone you're a son of a bitch.

I like it.

Hey, Alan, I need your help

planning this geriatric bachelor party.

I started reaching out to the guys

on Marty's invite list,

and so far I got dead, dead, coma, Florida.

Hey, uh, where you thinking about having this thing anyway?

Well, at this point, either Boca

or the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

How about a strip club?

I know a place with a great all-you-can-eat buffet.

Two things you never want to hear together.

- Mm-hmm. - "Strip club" and "all-you-can-eat""

Besides, Marty doesn't want strippers.

You can't have a bachelor party without strippers.

But more importantly,

we can't let the last naked woman this man sees

be my mother.

My granddaughters do a great two-for-one show.

I can get you a family discount.

No, no.

We... No strippers.

We're just doing a nice steak dinner.

Well, if there's not gonna be any strippers,

then I'm not going.

Actually, you're not on the list.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, okay, one more time.

I want a nice filet, medium-rare,

and then you give it a nice sear,

and then you put it in the food processor,

and you give it a pump

three times on chop-- boom, boom, boom--

and two times on dice-- boom, boom.

Thank you.

Oh, uh,

is, uh, this the party

or the bathroom?

Here. Over here, Tim.

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you.

What's with the glasses?

You look like Bono.

I was fortunate enough to work with Bono.

Yeah, and, uh, at the time, he was married to Cher.

I just got back from the eye doctor.

Boy, he robbed me blind.

can only read the top line of the eye chart.

It says P.

Then I have to.

I-I'd like to, uh, to propose a toast.

Uh, first to Walden

for putting all this together at the last minute.

Well, it was tough, but I managed to get a table

at 3:00 p.m. on a Thursday.

To Walden and his wife Alan.

That is one ugly woman.

Uh-huh.

Um, my, uh,

my mother and I have had our ups and downs,

but I love her, and I want her to be happy.

And you, Marty Pepper,

make her happy, which means

I love you.

I thought we said no broads.

I had a gay friend who was arrested for sodomy,

and he had the charge reduced to following too closely.

Uh, anyway,

um, I want to wish you both the best. Cheers.

Tim needs a drink.

No, no, no, no, uh, I'm driving.

Marty, last time I saw you,

we were in a threesome with that cute little redhead.

What ever happened to her?

I'm marrying her.

Nice girl.

Hard worker.

Well, I'd like to say on behalf of all of us, getting married?

What the hell are you doing, Marty?

Why do you need seven wives?

You can barely get through nine holes of golf!

She's a sweet kid, and I need a little warmth

and comfort at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered a nice piece of toast?

Uh, well, I would like to say something.

Uh... I might be in the minority here,

but I still believe in love,

and it's inspiring to know

that even at your age, you can still find it.

Now we have two broads.

The kid is right.

Nothing is more important than love,

except a good opening weekend.

And salt.

Damn it, I really miss salt.

Okay, we're here because we love this man.

You know, not the way you two love each other.

But...

love, n-nonetheless.

We're also here for the free steak, am I right?

Excuse me.

Who is this kid?

He's Evelyn's son.

Who's Evelyn?

The woman I'm marrying.

You're getting married?

Mazel tov!

Which one of you guys is... Marty?

I'm Sugar.

I'm Cinnamon.

I'm rich! I'm richer!

Hey, I thought we said no strippers.

It's a bachelor party; loosen up.

Hey, uh, Marty, you up for a lap dance?

I haven't been up for a lap dance

since the Reagan Administration.

Governor Reagan's.

I think I wrote that joke.

Girls, give him something to remember.

Uh, they're the green ones.

Oh, uh, and don't forget,

I'm only paying for an hour, so whether you're

in the middle of a lap dance or CPR,

you got to get out of there.

♪ Men. ♪

I want to find something Marty will like.

I wonder if they have edible underwear for diabetics.

Well, they do have something called

"I Can't Believe It's Not Body Butter."

Hey, you'd look good in these.

No, dear, Marty would look good in them.

Oh, you guys are kinky.

If we got any kinkier, we'd upset the animal rights people.

So, how about you, Jennifer?

Are there wedding bells in your future?

It is legal now.

Oh, don't remind me.

I used to have the perfect get- out-of-relationship-free card.

"Oh, I'd love to marry you,

"but darn all that prejudice and intolerance.

Bite me, Supreme Court."

Well, you never know.

I didn't expect to find love this late in life,

but there's just something about Marty.

Yeah, there's just 400 million things about Marty.

Yes, but I would love him

if he was only worth 200 million.

You know, I was really touched

when you asked me to be your maid of honor.

Well, you're the daughter of my only son.

Well, what about Alan?

Don't spoil my day, dear.

And having you with me is like

having Charlie around.

This will be the only one of my weddings without him.

Well, except the first one, of course.

Oh, no, dear, he was there.

It was the first time we got drunk together.

♪ Men. ♪

Where's Marty?

Nobody likes a stripper hog.

Oh, speaking of hogs,

I once did a show with Miss Piggy.

You know there's a guy under there?

You know, maybe we should go check on him.

I'm fine!

Best present that I ever had in my whole life.

Thank you, Walden.

Actually, the strippers were my idea.

Oh, well, then you tell your mother

the wedding is off.

Tell her what?

Okay.

Wedding pool.

I have

"Misplaces teeth

and can't recite the vows."

Uh-huh.

I had, uh...

"Died during the lap dance."

I had "This man's name is Gary.

"If found,

"take him to 104 North Beverly Drive.

Do not give him Scotch""

Well, I have...

"Alan will screw this up somehow."

I win.

Are you serious?

You can't call off the wedding.

You're not thinking clearly.

I have never been more clear about anything in my life,

except casting Ralph Macchio.

Kid was a born star.

Well, I think the party is over.

Can somebody please drive me to, uh,

104 North Beverly Drive?

I gotcha.

Listen, maybe on the way home, we can pick up some Scotch.

Wait, wait, not so fast!

I got a catheter.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

I can't believe Marty called off the wedding.

I can't believe I left a bachelor party

at 4:45 in the afternoon.

My mom is gonna be very upset with us.

"Us"?

You threw the bachelor party.

You hired strippers!

That's why I said "us."

You know what, it ultimately doesn't matter

because in your mother's eyes. it's all your fault.

You're right.

She has never forgiven me for her prolapsed vagina.

And I'm never gonna forgive you

for putting that picture in my head.

It's not my fault my ears got caught.

She's gonna be crushed, and it's all because of us.

Will you stop saying that!

It's because of you!

First you destroyed her vagina, and now it's her dreams.

Really?

I thought, as partners, we shared the burdens of life

for better or for worse.

Or were they just empty vows?

We're not married!

Oh, you don't have to remind me of that.

We're not gay!

I can see why we have to tell other people that,

but we shouldn't have to tell each other!

Oh, hey, Alan, look who's here.

Hello, boys.

Hey, you want a drink?

I know, stupid question.

Hey, Mommy, did you have fun shopping?

What's wrong?

What-what do you mean, "what's wrong"?

You're using that same whiny voice

you used when you pooped your pants in ballet class.

Good Lord. I was a kid!

You were 14.

You finally had a bulge in your tights,

and it was on the wrong side.

Okay, you know, I thought this

was gonna be difficult, but maybe not.

Marty ran off with a couple of strippers.

Excuse me?

Things got a little crazy at the bachelor party.

What happened?

Did he eat sugar?

He may have.

All right.

Well, I guess he's having one last little fling

before the wedding.

Um, y-yeah, about the wedding.

There's that same tutu-crapping voice again.

He called it off.

What?

Sorry, Evelyn.

But...

the strippers have his medication,

and I think one of them has a nurse's outfit.

You know, I-I think if you went over there and talked to him,

you might be able to change his mind.

He may have even forgotten he called off the wedding.

No, if he doesn't want to get married, that's fine.

Are you okay?

I mean, is there anything we can do?

I'm all right.

You can't force someone to love you.

Excuse me.

What did I miss?

Well, the wedding's off,

and Alan crapped his pants in ballet class.

♪ Men. ♪

Wow.

Yeah.

If I inherit this place,

there's a guest room with your name on it.

Man, he bought this with sitcom money.

I am in the wrong business.

May I help you?

Uh, we're here to see Marty.

I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy.

Really? Uh, he doesn't have time

to visit with Ralph Macchio?

A thousand apologies, Mr. Macchio.

Right this way.

After you, Daniel-san.

♪ Men. ♪

We're going to take a bath.

You can start washing each other.

But save the dirty parts for me.

Who's there?

Uh, it's Alan and Walden.

Who?

Evelyn's gay son and his boyfriend.

Oh.

All right, come on in.

If you're here to change my mind,

forget it.

But I-I thought you loved my mother.

I do,

but I'm not ready to settle down.

Maybe when I get a little older.

Marty, I don't say this unkindly,

but if you get any older, you'll be soil.

Besides, you know my mother.

She'd sleep with you and the strippers.

Oh, yeah, she's a big whore.

Yeah.

I'm not saying she doesn't have her charms.

So, what's the problem?

The truth is,

I'm a six-time loser at marriage,

and I don't want to go for a seventh.

I get it.

You're-you're scared.

But, you know, in-in love,

you have to take a leap and hope for the best.

That should be written on a pillow--

the pillow you can bite when you and your buddy are...

All right, all right.

Um...

No, all-all I'm saying is is that marriage

can be a beautiful thing.

So, why aren't you two married?

Yeah.

Why aren't we married, Walden?

This isn't what you think it is.

Right.

I don't understand you, but you understand me.

You're right.

He's right.

I-I don't want to

end up alone

and a-afraid of commitment like Marty.

Alan...

...for the last three years of my life,

you have...

always been there.

Every day.

When I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night,

there you are.

So, nobody is more surprised

to hear this coming out of my mouth than me.

This is not happening.

Alan Harper...

will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

A billion times, yes!

Okay, okay.

All right, okay.

Let's save something for the honeymoon.

Ibiza, it has to be Ibiza.

You're right.

Excluding my heart, kidney and liver,

I'm not a young man anymore.

I'm gonna call your mother.

Marty,

come find the ducky.

We-we should probably go break the news to them.

Yeah, yeah, that'd probably be the proper thing to do.

Just so you know,

this is not happening when we're married.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Marty,

I love you more than words could ever say.

From the moment

I took off my blindfold, turned around

and saw you behind me for the first time,

I knew I'd never need a safe word again.

I wish I had one of those right now.

Which? The blindfold or the safe word?

Yes.

Evelyn, I'm so happy you're in my life.

When I'm with you, I feel like I'm 85 again.

You're the perfect girl for me.

You make my heart skip a beat,

and you know how to use a defribrillator.

I wrote that joke.

Last night, I only got up one time to pee.

I peed a second time, but I-I didn't get up.

Ashes to ashes,

and dust to dust...

Oh, I'm sorry. I skipped a page there.

Uh...

you may now kiss the bride.

Congratulations, Evelyn, on a beautiful ceremony.

Yeah. Can't wait for the next one.

I just have to tell you,

I am a huge fan. Thank you very much.

I lost my virginity to one of your records.

A-side and B-side, if you know what I mean.

Oh, I just became a big fan of yours, baby.

And I just want to say one thing.

None of this would've happened without these two.

And as my present to you,

I've arranged for Tim

to perform one more wedding ceremony.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man