All language subtitles for Two.and.a.Half.Men.S11E10.HDTV.x264-LOL

Previously
on Two and a Half Men...

There is something I...

probably should've told you
before we slept together.

Oh, God. Husband
or herpes?

For the first 40
years of my life,

I was a man named Paul.

Wow.

Um...
You don't look...

40.
Oh...

I love Christmas
in Malibu.

I just saw Santa Claus
smoking a joint on the beach.

No, that's just Crazy Don.

He's a homeless guy with a beard
who asks girls

to sit on his lap and try
to find the North Pole.

This came for you.

I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.

He spelled "Malibu"
M-A-L-I-B-O-O.

Oh. No,

actually, it's "Maliboobs."

He put little nipples
on the O's.

I just can't get used to
Christmas without him.

It's just
not the same.

Remember how he used to
screw up Christmas carols?

♪ Shark named Harold

♪ Could not sing

♪ Let's all go to Burger King ♪

Oh, look. He
sent a note.

Oh. Here we go. Uh...
Oh...

"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I can't be there.

"I am having a lot of fun in Japan.
"In Japan."

"Uh, Christmas is
very commercial here.

"Sometimes I think
they don't even remember

"it's Santa's birthday.

I hope you enjoy this little
homemade holiday treat." Oh.

Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.

Mmm.

Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.
Oh!

Oh, man.

Well, at least he tried.

He packed 'em in ice.

Well, it's better than the time
he sent us those Easter eggs.

Mmm.
And that poor, poor bunny.

Looks like, uh,
Jenny's Christmas present

got here early.
Mm-hmm.

And from the sounds
of it last night,

- it's a Scream My Name Elmo.
- Hey,

guys, this is Brooke.

Um, Brooke, this
is my uncle Alan,

and this is Walden.

Walden runs the
Alan sanctuary.

Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Where did, uh,
you two meet?

At my work.

Oh, and, uh,
what do you do?

I'm an esthetician.

Ooh, an esthetician.
Very impressive.

You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

No.
Zero.

How do I put this?

Do you guys like
hairless vaginas?

Aw, yeah.
Yeah.

Okay, there you go.
That's what I do.

You know, waxing, tweezing,
threading and plucking.

She plucked the hell
out of me last night.

Ooh, and brought a whole
new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."

Listen, you want to go
get some breakfast?

Nah, I got to bounce.
Thanks again.

See you.

Did I just get blown off?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Big-time.

Well, no biggie.

I'll just go back
to plucking myself.

I feel bad for her.

Do you remember the first time
you were rejected by a woman?

Yeah. When the maternity
nurse handed me to my mom.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x10 ♪
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!.
Original Air Date on December 12, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Care for some mulled cider,
mull-lady?

Oh... thanks,

but I can't.
I take hormones,

and the acid in the
cider makes my beard grow.

God, you are so lucky.

I wish I could grow a beard.

Oh. Look what else I have,
Hmm?

a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.

Okay, great. Game's
in overtime.

Mwah. Come on!

I had the craziest day
at the mall today.

You heard me
about the overtime, right?

You heard me
about the mall, right?

Darn it.

Is everything okay
down there?

Oh.
My bad.

I got phantom nuts.

Hmm...

You can scratch mine
if you want.

Hey, Paula,

I'm just...
Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize
you had company.

No, no. Come on in. Uh...

Rachel, this is Alan.

Alan, this is my ex-wife.

Oh. I, uh... I didn't know
you were married.

Uh, then again, I didn't know
you had a penis, so...

She lost them both
at about the same time.

Nice to meet you, Alan.

Oh. You, too. It's really great
that you guys are still friends.

Yeah. And thankfully
the same shoe size. - Oh.

By the way, those silver
platforms that you lent me

really did a number on my back.

Oh, I'm sorry.
But you're in luck.

Alan here is one of
the top chiropractors

in Los Angeles.
Well, I was named, uh,

one of the "Top Chiropractors
to Watch"

by the Personal Injury Lawyer
Trade Association.

Yeah, he's just

being modest.
Last night,

he threw my back out.
This morning, fixed it.

Oh...

Well, maybe I can come
by your office.

Oh, well, uh, I-I
closed my office.

Uh, I'm actually
semi-retired.

Uh, I-I do philanthropic work

out in Malibu with
a billionaire.

We, uh... we run
a sanctuary.

What kind?

Uh, you know,
the homeless,

unemployed middle-aged men,
lesbian alcoholics, the usual.

That's nice.
Mm-hmm.

Well, um, maybe
you'd make a house call

if that's not too weird?

No weirder than
me dating a dude.

Oh. Somebody's been
sneaking the cider.

What?

What? Really?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

Looks like someone's celebrating
the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I've had
a tough morning.

You want to
talk about it?

Let's rap.

"Rap"?

You're like the creepy guidance
counselor I had in high school.

"Tell me all
about your lesbian experiences.

I can't help you
unless I know every detail."

God, I hated her.

She was good in bed, though.

Really? Tell me about it.

I can't help you unless
I know every detail.

Oh, come on. You're
a relationship guy, right?

I don't know. I mean,
I-I do believe

there is someone out
there for everyone.

I'm just terrified that
my someone is Alan.

So...
how do you know

when you want to be
in a relationship?

The first sign is that
you start asking people,

"How do you know when you
want to be in a relationship?"

Oh, God.

Sick of plucking
yourself already?

Is it the, uh, girl
from yesterday?

Yeah.

Brooke.

Why don't you just call her?

No. No. I'm the girl
that gets called.

I don't do the calling.

Oh, my God, she gave you
a fake number.

It's possible she lives in the
back of a Mexican restaurant.

Hey, look,
if you really like this girl,

look her up on Facebook
and send her a message.

Oh, or... send her a picture
of your boobs.

That's desperate.

Besides, she already
has a picture of my boobs.

Or the busboy in the back of
the Mexican restaurant has it.

All right, look.

Sometimes in life

you have to take a risk

and put yourself out there.

Sometimes it doesn't work.

But sometimes it does.

And sometimes

it works so well that you
end up proposing to them

and they say no

and all you're left with
is a custom designed ring

that you can't return whose
very existence mocks you.

You want to rap about it?

Shut up!

I will have this set up
in a sec.

Oh! My back.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Little chiropractor humor.

I call it "cracking you up."

Hop on up.

How long have you and Paula
been dating?

Oh, just a-a couple
of weeks.

You know, still holding hands,
running the water while I pee.

How long were you
and Paul together?

20 years.

Wow. That's pooping
while the other one showers.

Uh, so, uh, Paul's change

must have been
a big adjustment for you.

Oh, I was pretty
angry at first.

When he said he wanted to become
a woman, I grabbed a knife

from the kitchen and offered
to do the surgery myself.

Woop!

Baggage just stowed for takeoff.

Um, at least the two of you are
in a healthy place now.

Oh, it's not easy.

Can you imagine
how annoying it is

that she's a better-looking
woman than I am?

And the boobs, by the way,

exact copies of mine.

Well, I think
you're both very beautiful,

and, uh...
and kudos on the boobs.

Would you mind working
a little lower?

Oh, sure. Let's, uh...

let's narrow it down
to the lumbar region.

Uh, where does it hurt?
Uh, L5? L4?

Lower.

Okay, we're into
the-the sacral region.

Uh, that's S2. S3?

A-A little lower.

Okay.

Uh, I believe
we are out of the S's

and into the asses.

How does that feel?

Uh, like the tension
has moved out of your back

and into my pants.

I'm sure
this is wildly inappropriate,

but I'm very attracted to you.

Well, I'm-I'm flattered.
Uh-uh, it's just that...

I'm dating your ex-husband.

Boy, that was a weird thing
to hear yourself say.

I understand.

Let me know if you
change your mind.

You do realize your hand
is still on my ass.

I do.

Still there.

I'm just glad you don't know
where my other hand is.

Hi. So, I have you down for

the total bro-zilian wax.

Yeah, I wasn't really sure
which one to choose.

It was either that
or the Butt Reynolds.

Wait, don't I know you?

Yeah, I'm Walden.

Hang on. Did you chase me out
of your house the other day

for banging your wife?
'Cause she came on to me.

No, uh, you hooked up
with my friend Jenny.

Uh, we live in Malibu.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny.
Yeah, she was a lot of fun.

Oh-oh, God,
does she have herpes?

Is that why you're here?

No, that is not why I'm here.

Actually, I wanted
to see if you...

Ow!

Oh!

Okay. Oh, my God.

How 'bout a little
heads-up next time?

Okay, heads-up.

Hey!

So, why are you here?

Uh, well...

Well, um, my-my
friend Jenny--

she thinks that
you're really cool.

And this is
kind of awkward.

I don't really know
how to say this.

Take her out again!

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I like
to keep it casual.

Lesbians get too attached,

and then somebody always
ends up screaming or crying.

I get that.

Um, uh, but
here's the thing.

Like,

Jenny's really awesome,

and I think
if you took a chance

to get to know her
that you would really like her.

Yeah? I don't know.
Turn over.

What?

All fours, butt up.

Oh. This...

This reminds me of a horrible
prison nightmare I once had.

You know, I got to say,
if you're willing

to go through all
of this for your friend,

she must be all right, huh?

Yeah.
I'll give her a call.

Okay.

This one's gonna hurt.

This one?

Mommy!

Whoa.

Some might say
that a guy who does this

out in the open wants
his housekeeper to catch him.

No, I-I...

Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.

And Johnson.

Oh.

Hold on.

Weren't you the one
that called the house meeting

about no more masturbating
in the kitchen?

No, I... I, uh...

I got groomed.

Actually,

I went down to Brooke's salon...

and asked her if she would
go out with you again.

Are you insane?!

What, you think
I can't get my own dates?

Do I look like a child?

No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.

And thanks to me,

she wants to go out
with you again.

She wants to go out
with me again?

What did she say?

You want to rap about it?

She said that she would call you
in a few days,

and that my balls
would stop burning by tomorrow.

Or wait.

Was it that she would call you
tomorrow,

and my balls would stop burning
in a few days?

Let me know when she calls.

Okay?

Thank you. Thank you from
the bottom of my heart.

You are welcome
from the bottom of my scrotum.

Wow. That was amazing.

I got to tell you.

The guy who built your hoo-hah
is an artist.

Aw.

He's like van Gogh,
but instead of cutting off ears,

he's cutting off...
well, you know.

Hey.
What?

Can we talk about us?

Oh, God, can't I...
can't I just buy you something?

Well, gifts are
always welcome,

but, uh, I was just wondering
if we were exclusive.

Okay, look, Alan...

...I like you, but I always...
I always promised myself

that if I had the courage
to become a real woman,

that that woman...

would be a total slut.

Okay, so-so...
so, just to clarify...

Mm-hmm.

...you... or me are free

to date anybody else,
anybody in the world?

Yes.

Okay, if that's what you want.

Oh, hey, you look great.

No, I don't.

I've tried on, like,
a hundred outfits.

Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.

There was even a dark moment

where I was wearing
one of Alan's polos.

Oh, actually,
they're called "polas."

He buys them at a gas station.

If you look close,
the guy's not playing polo.

It's a gardener riding a donkey.

I'm a nervous wreck.

Oh, come on.
You're going to be fine.

Just be yourself.
Right.

Right. Right,
just be myself.

W.W.J.D.?

What would Jenny drink?

I don't think
that alcohol is the answer.

Well, clearly,
you don't know the question.

On vodka, on soda,

on blender, on mixer!

Okay, I'm just gonna go back
to blowing myself.

So, uh, did you ask Santa
for anything special this year?

Oh, just someone
to stuff my stocking.

Oh. Someone's on
the naughty list.

Well, I hope that won't keep me
from getting a nice big package.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm sure Santa's got something
in his sack for you.

Ooh, look
who's on the naughty list now.

But you have to be careful

about shipping rates
around the holidays.

You could pay extra
for a package that's oversized

or an irregular shape.

Rachel?

Paula?

Alan? What's going on here?

Uh, well, this is a...
an awkward coincidence.

It's not a coincidence.
I come here every Friday night,

and she knows it.
Oh, this is completely innocent.

Oh, please. You're wearing
my screw-me pumps!

That's funny.
Uh, I have a screw-me pump, too.

I only need it
when I'm drinking too much.

All the women in the world,
and you have to pick my ex-wife?

Uh, first of all,
I don't actually get to pick.

I'm more of a
take-what-comes kind of guy.

Besides, you said
we weren't exclusive.

Oh.
Yeah, he can date whoever he wants.

Okay, you only brought him here
to make me jealous.

Oh, please. Don't
flatter yourself.

Okay, let's all...
let's just calm down here.

Hey, I see it now.

You guys do have the same boobs.

Jenny?

Are you okay?

I'll be right there.

Can you knock again
so I can find the door?

Okay, I'm coming in.

Hey.

Hey, Walden!

Are you drunk?

No, I only had one drink.

Okay, I went to a lot
of trouble for you,

and you are going
on this date.

Why do you care so much?

Well, I can give you
a bro-zilian reasons why.

Now, come on.

Let's get you sobered up.
Okay, let me just use

the bathroom
real quick.

Jenny?

That's not the bathroom.

Too late.

How could you do this to me?

It hurts losing the man of
your dreams, doesn't it?

Please. Alan is not
the man of my dreams.

He's just the only guy
who didn't think

an inside-out wiener
was a deal breaker.

I've also been told
I have nice eyes, but okay.

Well, you were the
man of my dreams.

Don't you see
what's going on here?

You still care for her,

and you're just trying
to make her jealous

by dating a sexy, handsome,
well-endowed man.

I do still have feelings
for you.

And you still have feelings
for her,

despite taking a lover whose
charm and wit is only matched

by his unbridled passion
in the boudoir.

I do miss you.

I miss you, too.

Oh, how nice is this?

You two should kiss.

Come here.

You two are probably gonna want
a picture of this.

Let's get some
coffee in you.

Okay, I'll have
a half-caff Zach Braff.

Oh.

Perfect.

It's a tale as old as time.

Don't wax your ass to help
your roommate's lesbian niece.

Hey, Waldo!

Hi, Baldo.

Brooke, are you drunk?

No, I'm merloaded.

You drank
that whole bottle yourself?

It's okay. I'm gonna
eat later. Shh.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I never do second dates,

and I was nervous
'cause I really like Jenny.

Hello. Hey, there's Jenny!

Okay, nap date.

Uh, good idea. Mm.

How cute.

It's like two drunk,
gay puppies.

Ah. They're gonna want
a picture of this later.

♪ Men.

'Twas the night
before Christmas

when all down the beach
not a creature was stirring,

not even a leech.

Alan was nestled,
all snug in his bed,

while visions of lesbians
danced in his head.

Brooke and Jenny were sleeping,
a long winter's nap,

surrounded by bottles
with nary a cap.

Jenny was nervous
and frightened,

but took a big chance.

She let Brooke in her heart,
as well as her pants.

While Berta in her vest
and I in my hattie

had just baked our brains out

with a big Christmas fatty.

We started to doze,
we hadn't a care.

Happy Christmas to all.
My balls have no hair.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man