Original subtitles

I don't usually meet women as beautiful as you

at a tech convention.

Aw, that's very sweet.

And you were definitely the hottest guy there.

Thank you. Although, to be fair,

being the hottest guy at a tech convention is kind of like...

well, being the hottest guy at a tech convention.

Although, once, I saw Justin Timberlake

at a Microsoft party.

Lady boner!

Yes, he did bring sexy back to Windows 8.

So, you said you work for Google?

That's right, in the modeling department.

Oh, that's awesome. Like graphic rendering

and 3-D imaging?

More like pointing.

"New from Google,

confusing tech crap."

Oh, so you're, like, a model-model?

Yep. You can't spell Google without "ogle."

Can you?

No, you can't.

But being a model at tech shows isn't what I really want to do.

I just do it to pay the bills.

Oh, I get it. What's your ultimate goal?

I want to help teach people to read.

Oh, that's noble. So, you want to be a teacher.

No, I want to be the next Vanna White.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah. I mean, she has an amazing job,

she wears amazing outfits and she has amazing hair.

Somebody needs to buy a new, amazing adjective.

You can't buy adjectives.

You can only buy vowels.

Right.

Only vowels.

Well, I owe you another drink.

"O." "K."

Certainly won't be any "I" in "U" tonight.

Wow, that girl is gorgeous.

Yeah, she's a model.

We don't really have a connection.

She's not very bright.

I think she thinks Silicon Valley is the place

where women go to get a boob job.

Oh, you want intellectual stimulation.

Uh, why don't you watch an episode of Nova

while you're banging her brains out?

No, I'm gonna go tell her it's not gonna work out.

Well, if you don't want her, can I have her?

Oh, sure, let's change shirts. Maybe she won't notice.

Oh, she's that dumb?

Great.

Walden!

Look, a seagu...

Oh, my God.

Wait.

We didn't switch shirts yet.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x09 ♪ Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer Original Air Date on December 5, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Hey, what's going on?

I was cleaning out my closet

and I found a box of Jake's old stuff.

Aw, that's sweet.

Who's Jake?

My son. Y-Your cousin.

Oh, right.

Oh, and how did he die?

Oh, no, h-he's not dead. He's in the Army.

Huh.

Ah. Nice bong.

Guess he's not fighting the war on drugs.

No, that-that is a hummingbird feeder.

He made it in art class.

And in shop class, I made a train whistle.

Weed, weed!

No, no, seriously.

Uh, one summer, back in high school,

he and his friends got into bird watching.

They'd spend all day out in the woods, and they'd...

they'd come back laughing and...

Oh, God, I'm an idiot.

Don't worry. All parents are idiots.

My mom used to think I was locked in the bathroom all day

with an electric toothbrush.

My first wife was always using her electric tooth...

God, I am an idiot.

Oh, look at this. One of his old report cards.

Oh, you can still see where he tried to change his grades.

Yeah, he changed the C's.

To D's.

Yeah. That was the year his bus got a little shorter.

But, you know, in his defense,

his teacher changed that year, too.

She went from C's to D's.

Is this how you're spending your night?

Oh, no, no. Later, I'm going to shave my back.

Oh, actually, if you're not busy...

I am. And so are you.

I'm gonna get a drink. Where's Walden?

Oh, he had to take his date to the hospital.

Ooh, what are they pulling out, and from where?

No, it-it's nothing like that.

She was looking up at the sky and she fell off the deck.

High? No.

Drunk? No.

Model? Yeah.

♪ Men. ♪

How you feeling?

I'm all right.

Uh, well, we need to fill out this paperwork.

So, uh, first name, Nadine.

This is awkward. I don't know your last name.

It's H-O-R-E.

H-O-R-E.

Like "hooray"?

No, like "whore."

You think I should change it?

No, be proud.

I'm sure you come from a long line of... Hores.

Uh, any relatives I can call?

No, they're all back east.

I'm the only Hore in Los Angeles.

Agree to disagree.

Emergency contacts. Okay, so no family.

Uh, friends? Roommates?

Anyone you've gone on more than one date with?

Not really.

I live alone.

I've only been in L.A. a couple weeks.

The only men in my life are you and Frank.

Oh, all right. How do I get a hold of Frank?

He's a pig.

He's a pig, you're a Hore.

No one's judging.

No, he's my pet pig.

My little frankfurter.

A pig.

Does he sleep in a blanket?

Yeah, he totally hogs the covers.

Hogs. Good one.

Never mind.

Uh, what about medications?

Love 'em.

No, I-I think they mean "are you taking any now?"

Oh, let's see, there's plaxitril for my depression,

zaxaprin for my anxiety,

dilapamin for my insomnia, and clodex

for my occasional bouts of rage.

No one likes an angry Hore.

Why didn't you tell me we were going to a gay bar?

'Cause if I told you, you wouldn't have come.

Yes, I would. I just would've dressed better.

And just to be clear,

you do know I'm not gay, right?

I don't think you're gay.

I-I mean, do I know guys that act less gay

that have sex with other guys? Sure.

But I know you're straight.

So, why bring me here?

Look around this room.

See all the women here? Yeah.

Well, some of them are gay. Those are mine.

The rest are straight.

Some of those are mine, too.

And everyone who's left

is gonna be drunk and horny by the end of the night

and looking for someone who doesn't think vaginas are yucky.

Oh, oh, you mean me.

Yay.

I mean, yay.

Okay, be careful.

Mm. Watch your leg.

You smell so good.

Thank you.

Let's see how you taste.

Okay. All right.

I see the painkillers have kicked in.

Oh, they sure did.

Right now, you could do anything to me

and I wouldn't remember.

Did I wink? 'Cause I was trying to wink.

Okay, let's-let's get you on the couch, huh?

Hey, let's get you on Nadine. Oh, okay.

All right, fine. Let's... just rest.

Thank you so much for taking care of me.

Well, you have a broken leg.

You don't have any family or friends

and you live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator.

So, I couldn't just leave you on the street.

Could I?

You're handsome.

Yeah.

You're... drooling.

I'm gonna get you some food.

All right, but I have certain dietary constrictions.

I don't eat wheat, dairy, or anything with a face.

Although...

I would make an exception for you.

So, you're here with your niece?

Uh, yeah, she just recently came out of the closet

and she's painfully shy. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Now, that's what I call breast-feeding.

She's, uh, still trying to find her gay legs.

Ah. Well, she's lucky she has an uncle who's found his.

No, I'm straight.

Why does everybody think I'm gay?

Oh, that is way too tart.

Um, so, Paula,

what do you do?

I'm an investment banker.

Oh, wow. Oh, okay, maybe you can answer a question

I've always had. Mm-hmm?

What's the penalty for early withdrawal?

Well, uh, that depends.

How big is your deposit?

Oh, interest is rising.

You know, the longer you keep it in,

the bigger your reward.

Sometimes, the market collapses

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Uh, wait. Are-are we doing sexual innuendo

or are you asking for free financial advice?

Why can't it be both?

You know, if you're interested,

I've got a Malibu beach house.

Oh. Well, if you're interested, I've got very loose morals.

Yay.

I mean, yay.

Wow.

That was amazing.

Uh-huh.

Wait, it wasn't? 'Cause I can do better.

No, you were great.

Oh, thank God, 'cause I can't do better.

Oh.

But there is something I probably should've told you

before we slept together.

Oh, God, husband or herpes? Uh...

Well, there was another guy. Paul.

Paul. Paula. That must have been confusing...

Very, yeah. Um...

You see, for the first 40 years of my life,

I was a man named Paul.

Wow.

You don't look... 40.

♪ Men. ♪

So, so, you were a guy? With, you know,

an Adam's apple and facial hair,

and the whole kit and kaboodle?

Yep, I had a kit and two kaboodles.

So, so, how did you get that?

I mean, did you have to get a donor?

'Cause I've never seen that box

to check on a driver's license.

Actually, uh, I-I... I donated my own organ.

You see, what they do, they take your penis, all right?

They slice it right down the middle... Oh! La la la la la la la la la.

Okay, I'll-I'll spare you the details

on what happened to my balls.

Well, I know what just happened to mine.

Look, I-I know I should have told you earlier.

I just didn't want to scare you away. I really like you.

Oh, and I like you. I mean, we have a lot in common.

Clearly more than I realized.

Maybe it's best if I go.

Oh, no, no, don't do.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.

I'm just, I'm trying to process this whole thing.

I mean, for instance,

there's no chance it'll grow back, right?

What, like-like a salamander's tail?

No. Uh-uh.

So one day you're not gonna, you know, sneeze real hard

and suddenly I'm dating a dude?

Alan, I am as much a woman as you've ever dated.

But if you're not okay with this, it's... No, no, no, you know what?

I am not going to let one little thing come between us.

Oh, it wasn't little.

Okay, uh, Paula, bit of, uh, relationship advice?

Uh, no guy likes to hear

that his girlfriend had a bigger penis than he does.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Gesundheit.

Morning. Morning.

Oh great, we're out of bacon.

Whoa.

We're out of naked Heidi Klum.

Damn.

That's Frank. He belongs to my date Nadine.

Alan told me about her.

That's the model you took to the emergency room.

Twice. She calls it our "special place."

It's the worst date of my life.

Is her mouth broken?

No.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, we have no connection.

How can I be attracted to a woman's body

if I'm not attracted to her mind?

Sounds kind of gay, but all right.

Hey, Walden.

Jenny.

Zippy.

Just a heads-up, there's a girl asleep on the couch.

Don't worry, I know the drill, boss.

Give her 500 bucks, pat her down for silverware

and throw her in a taxi.

What?

Sorry. Charlie flashback.

Morning.

Whoa!

That's a pig.

Whoa! That's a leech.

Long story, crazy night.

Pig or no pig, not as crazy as mine.

100 bucks says mine beats yours.

I had sex with a woman who used to be a man.

And we have a winner.

What, really?

I can't believe that you would...

Well, ah, then again, it's you.

Hey, hey, say what you want,

but she really knows her way around a man.

It's like climbing Mount Everest with a really good Sherpa.

Yeah, but you don't shtup the Sherpa.

How did it work? Like, where did it... go?

Oh, that's easy. See, what they do is,

they slice the penis down the middle...

Oh. La la la la la. La la la la la.

Walden?

Is there somewhere I can take a bath?

Oh, yeah, upstairs. Here, I'll help you.

No.

I will never get out of here

if I don't start to do things on my own.

Unless you don't want me to leave.

Top of the stairs, on the left.

That girl is really messed up.

The only thing wrong with mine

is the occasional five o'clock shadow.

You know, I've got to say, Alan, you going out

with a post-op transgendered person without any judgment--

very enlightened.

Oh, thank you.

And you should see her boobs.

You're getting a call from a "Hore?"

Hi, Nadine.

You got... you got it stuck where?

Don't move, I'll be right there.

Nadine got her boot caught in the banister.

Excuse me.

Never mind, I got it.

Oh no.

500 bucks in cab fare, and he'd be out of this.

I can't believe how easily we agreed on a movie.

I know, men and women aren't usually on the same page.

Oh, oh, here it is.

Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts I Love You.

Listen, I'm gonna get a soda. Do you want something?

Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see what I'm in the mood for.

Oh, uh, want to split a hot dog? Mmm.

Oh, I am so sorry.

It's fine.

Hi. Uh, can we have two Diet Cokes

and a hot dog, please?

Oh, uh... Don't worry, I got it.

Okay, but I'm used to paying.

This is... this is so weird.

Sorry, just, you know, old habits from when I was Paul.

I-I hope you're okay with that.

I think it's pretty clear that I'm willing

to work around things in this relationship.

Well, I appreciate it,

because I'm having a great time with you.

Oh, well, so am I. Mm-hmm?

Uh, but going forward, you're gonna have to learn

to embrace my masculinity and, you know, accept the fact

that I'm the-- thank you-- man in this relationship.

Oh, it's chilly in here.

Oh, here. Take my jacket.

Oh. Cozy.

Who's there?

It's just me, silly.

Is everything all right?

You've taken such good care of me,

I thought it was time for me

to take good care of you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Why not?

We could play doctor.

Haven't you seen enough doctors?

Okay, we could play Pat and Vanna.

The clue is "things people do naked."

Okay, Nadine, just stop.

What's wrong?

We're not gonna sleep together.

Are you saying

that you don't want any of this?

"N," and I'd like to buy five O's.

Look, we-we just don't click.

I can't believe you led me on. Ooh.

Led you on? I let you in. I was trying to help you.

Do I look like I need your help?

♪ Men. ♪

Yeah? No, I'm not doing anything.

Seriously?

I know, I know. I should say something.

No, no, it's fine.

I'll come over after the movie.

He should go now.

What's that?

Shh! Shh!

Just ignore him. People can only make you angry

with your permission.

Right. But if he opens his mouth again, I will get the usher.

I got my review.

Hashtag piece of crap.

Shh! Shh!

All right, you know what? That's it.

Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no, Let me do this.

Alan, Alan, you don't have to do this. Yes, I do. I'm the man

and this is what a man does. Now, hold my Jujubes.

Uh, excuse me, sir? What?

Um, uh, we're all trying to watch the movie

and I don't know if you remember what the, uh,

the little cartoon popcorn bucket said,

but "silence is golden."

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Uh, well, I just did it

and it didn't seem very effective, so...

Go sit down.

Okay, you know what? Why don't you sit down?

Ow. What the... What...

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.

Paula? Hashtag I love you.

♪ Men. ♪

I thought this relationship was going somewhere.

Okay, seriously? The only place this relationship is going

is the emergency room.

I thought this was something special.

I thought I was going to be Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.

Okay, this is crazy.

I mean, we wouldn't have gotten past the first date

if you hadn't fallen off my deck.

That's right.

I did fall off your deck.

I'll be sure to mention that to my lawyer.

Your lawyer?

You heard me.

Perhaps you've seen his picture on the side of the bus?

You don't get to be the numero uno accidente lawyer

by accident.

Come on, Frank.

Take care of yourself, Frank.

What's going on?

Oh, Nadine is going to sue me because I won't sleep with her.

Oh, that's a thing?

Don't tell Alan.

Oh, that can't be.

Hi, Nadine.

I'll be right there.

Nadine got hit by a bus.

Back to our special place.

♪ Men. ♪

What do you want to watch?

I know someone wants to watch Babe again.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man