Original subtitles

[BUBBLING]

MAN". Got another one coming down, Mike.

MIKE: Hang on a sec.

[CREAKING]

[RUMBLING]

Hey! Aah!

I got those concert tickets you wanted.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, you're kidding.

For Friday night? Stanley, this is great.

So, what time should I pick you up?

Well, see, here's the thing.

My very best friend just came into town and I know she would die to go to this.

So could we maybe get an extra ticket for her?

Ooh.

They're out. They're sold out. That means there's no more.

Oh.

Well, I just can't let her sit home all alone.

Look, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just go with your friend?

[LAUGHS]

Stanley, I couldn't do that.

No, come on.

[GIGGLES]

Stanley, you are the nicest guy.

-Ahh. -Really, you are.

-Yeah? -Charlie...

...isn't Stanley the nicest guy?

The best.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

That was the most sickening display I've ever seen.

I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.

Buddy, you know what you need? You need a little change of pace.

Tonight, I'm gonna take you on a love safari...

...deep into the darkest heart of the urban jungle.

Tell me more, bwana.

The Coco Bongo Club. Hottest new joint in town.

Only the creme de la creme need apply.

-So how do we get in? -Are you kidding?

-Leave it to me. Trust me, buddy... -Yeah.

...this is going to be the perfect night on the town.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

MAN 1: I don't have my umbrella. MAN 2: Hurry.

Hold the phone. Killer at 3 o'clock.

Stand back and observe.

TINA: Where can I open a new account?

New accounts, right here.

You're lucky you caught me, I was on my way out to--

-Could you hold this for me, please? -I will hold anything you want.

Thank you.

Can you help me?

[SNIFFS]

[EXHALES]

[DRAWER CREAKING]

[DRAWER BANGS LOUDLY]

So.

What kind of account do you have in mind?

I'm not sure exactly.

You see, I'm just terrible with things like that.

-That's an interesting tie, Mr...? -|pkiss, Stanley lpkiss.

-Tina Carlyle. Pleased to meet you. -The pleasure's all mine.

May I?

-May you what? -I'm such a mess.

-Oh, of course. -Thanks.

That's what they're there for.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

As I was saying about that tie, it kind of reminds me of one of those--

What do you call it? Um, inkblot tests.

-A Rorschach test. -Right.

You know, it sort of looks like...

...a young woman riding bareback.

Sort of a Lady Godiva or something.

Of course.

What do you see, Mr. lpkiss?

Um--

|-- I don't know.

[WHISTLES THEN LAUGHS]

Oh, oh.

Uh-- |t-- Bright colors.

|t's-- It's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel powerful.

Does it work?

Now, how about that account, huh?

We have several different plans. Savings.

[SHARPENER WHIRRING]

Checking.

Savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs...

...savings, checking and CDs, T-bills.

Or we could just take all your money and throw it in a big mattress back there.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

[WHIRRING QUIETLY]

STANLEY: Now, I have some forms you'll have to fill out.

[AIR HOCKEY PUCK CLACKING]

[MAN 1 LAUGHS]

MAN 2: That's it, sweetheart.

Now, just a little bit to the right. Beautiful.

Hey, will you guys keep it down back there?

No problem.

-So, what do you think? -Layout's not bad.

But them motion detectors are a pain in the ass.

-But you can pull this off, right? -Hey, you talking to the doctor.

I do have one question.

Which is?

What does Niko have to say about all this?

Nothing.

This ain't his grift, man.

Get real, man. Everything is his grift.

He owns you, he owns this club, he owns this whole stinking town.

Things change.

You mess with Niko, you end up taking a dirt nap.

DORIAN: He's the only one who's napping.

And I'm about to give him a serious wake-up call.

But we need some cash.

So first we take the bank, then we take Niko...

...and then, my friend, school is out.

And this whole city is our playground.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[HORN HONKS]

MAN: Hey, bub, watch where you're going.

[HORN HONKS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCOFFS]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Hello?

[DRILLING]

[RINGS BELL]

-Hello? MAN: Hang on, hang on.

Don't get your panties in a twist, would you?

Hey, Burt, what the hell is this?

Oh, I don't know. Uh--

About 700 bucks, Irv.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now, what can I do for you, bub?

I'm here for the Civic.

The brake drums are shot, and you need a new transmission.

What?

All I wanted was an oil change.

You're lucky you caught these problems before they cause you some serious trouble.

Ahem. Sign right here and press down hard.

-There's no price. -There will be.

I don't have a car. I have to have a car tonight.

-|rv. -Yo.

Bring around the loaner.

The loaner?

The loaner?

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[COUGHING]

WOMEN: Eww.

It's a classic.

[METALLIC CLATTERING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

-Hi. Charlie. -Stanley.

Gals, I want you to meet my buddy Stanley lpkiss.

Humongo in the banking business.

[LAUGHS]

Not really.

Hey, what do you say we get in this joint, huh?

Yo, Bobby. How you doing, buddy? It's Charlie.

-Charlie, how you doing? -How are you?

-How you doing? -Long time no see.

-Come on in. -Hey, good to see you. Okay, then.

Come on, gals, let's get going.

See you on the inside. Oh!

Bobby? Charlie. Charlie!

Charlie!

-It's a mistake. -You can't do that-.

-Hey, hey. -Whoa!

You crossed the rope. Never cross the rope.

But my friends are on the inside--

-Lose him. STANLEY: Come on now, guys.

Now this isn't fair. Hey, watch it, I'm a bleeder.

You put me down right now, or I am never coming back here.

[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

Thanks.

[MOANS]

Aw, jeez.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE INSIDE]

-Mr. lpkiss, hi. -Hi.

Are you okay?

Me?

I'm great. Really good.

I just-- I never felt better, really.

I'm just catching some air out here. Whew.

Your car, sir.

That's not my car.

MAN: But it matches the ticket.

All right.

I'll take it.

But I am very angry.

You believe this?

[CAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CLOSES]

You drive in in a Porsche...

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[TIRES SCREECHING, ENGINE FALTERING]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE SPUTTERS THEN DIES]

Oh.

Jeez!

Oh!

[GRUNTS]

[HEAT SIZZLES, STANLEY GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Uhn! God.

Ah!

[AIR HISSING, CAR PARTS CLATTERING]

[SIGHS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SIGHS]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Hey!

Hey, mister!

Hold on!

I know CPR.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

MAN: Hey, you.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

What are you doing down there?

Uh... I'm just looking for...

...my mask.

I got it.

[WATER SLOSHING]

Ipkiss. Do you have any idea what time it is?

Actually, no.

[GASPS]

My new carpet.

Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, lpkiss.

-You know, Mrs. Peenman-- -What?

Nothing.

Well, that's what you are, lpkiss, a big nothing.

Aren't you due back at the laboratory to get your bolts tightened?

[SIGHS]

I should've said that.

[DOG BARKING]

Hey, you. Milo.

You know you're not supposed to jump up. It's against doggy ordinance.

[SIGHS]

[WHINING, LOW GROWLING]

Okay.

[MUSIC PLAYING, WHISTLING OVER TV]

[HOWLING]

[WHISTLING, HORN HONKS]

[CHUCKLES]

[DOG WHINING]

What do you want? You want me to throw that?

I'm very tired.

Okay, I'll throw it one time.

I ain't gonna throw it with you attached to it.

Ow!

[CARTOON CONTINUES PLAYING OVER TV]

You ready? Get it.

PEENMAN: lpkiss, turn down those cartoons.

All right, Mrs. Peenman.

So, Dr. Neuman, you're saying that everybody wears a mask?

That's correct, Wendy.

We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking.

We suppress the id, our darkest desires...

...and adopt a more socially acceptable image.

Well, the book is, of course...

...The Masks We Wear, by Dr. Arthur Neuman.

Thank you so much for being with us today.

[TURNS TV OFF]

[WHINING]

What's the matter with you? What is it?

What are you looking for, huh?

You like this thing? You like it?

The Masks We Wear.

[MIMICS NEUMAN] "That's correct, Wendy.

We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking."

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, right.

[WHINES]

[GRUNTING]

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[GRUNTING]

Smoking.

It's party time.

P-A-R-T-- Why? Because I gotta.

Shh.

[FLOOR CREAKING]

[ALARM CLOCK GIGGLING, RINGING]

Ahh.

[SNARLS]

[LAUGHS MAN IACALLY]

[GRUNTING]

[ALARM CLOCK SCREAMS]

[ALARM CLOCK WHIMPERING]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Snooze.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[COCKS GUN]

[SCREAMS]

[MUFFLED GROANING]

Look, Ma, I'm roadkill. Ha-ha-ha!

Pbbb-bbb-bbb!

[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS]

[HONKING]

DRIVER: Hey, get out of the road.

I think he wants to communicate.

[HONKING CONTINUES]

[HORN BLOWS LOUDLY]

[BLOWS]

[GLASS SHARDS TINKLING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[MAN SNICKERING]

Hey, mister. You got the time?

As a matter of fact, I do, cubby.

MAN 1: You wanna take him? MAN 2: I got him.

[TIMER TICKING]

Look at that. It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose...

...and pull your underwear over your head.

[TIMER DINGS]

[HON KS]

[GRUNTING]

Come on.

MAN 3: He's dead. MAN 4: Kill him.

-Come on, take him. MAN 3: Get him.

Step right up here, don't be shy.

Nobody likes a bashful leather head.

Move it!

For my first trick, I'd like to do something for you, son.

We have a giraffe.

There you go. Now get out of here, you bother me.

-Thanks. -Wow.

Now...

-Sorry, wrong pocket. WOMAN: Ha-ha-ha.

For you, son...

...a little body English.

A French poodle.

Sorry, son, the dog was rabid. Had to put it down.

And last but not least, my favorite.

A Tommy gun.

[ALL GASP]

Run!

[GUN HITS OBJECT, CAT MEOWS]

This is incredible.

With these powers, I could be...

...a superhero.

I could fight crime, protect the innocent, work for world peace.

But first...

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[IN DEEP VOICE] Hold on to your lug nuts...

...it's time for an overhaul.

[WIND BLOWING]

[BURT AND IRV GRUNTING]

[BURT SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

It was a dream.

[CHUCKLING]

It was a dream.

[SIGHS]

I gotta lay off the cartoons.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-|pkiss? Stanley lpkiss? -Yes.

Lieutenant Kellaway, City Precinct.

Do you know anything about the disturbance last night?

Disturbance?

Yeah, some kind of prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.

[SOFTLY] Attacked?

You didn't hear anything?

She unloaded a couple of rounds of 20-ought buckshot...

...five feet from your door.

PEENMAN: Look at the floor. See that?

He put that right in my floor, then he jumped out the window, officer!

COP: Jumped out the window? PEENMAN: Are you writing notes?

[NORMAL VOICE] This is... Impossible.

Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.

See, I have an inner-ear problem.

[CHUCKLES]

-Sometimes I can't hear anything. -That a fact?

Eh? Heh-heh-heh.

Here's my card.

If you remember anything unusual about last night...

...anything at all, call me.

You betcha. Thank you.

And good luck, uh...

...cracking the case.

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God, I'm late.

Keys, keys.

Where's the keys?

Damn.

Milo. Get the keys.

Get them. Find them.

[WHINING]

[SIGHS]

Get the keys.

[GRUNTS]

[BANGS LEG]

Ow! Jeez!

I am so late.

[DOG BARKS]

Good boy. Good boy. Thattaboy. Come on, boy.

Give them to me. Drop it.

[DOG WHINING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[GRUNTING] Easy. Watch that bump.

-I want a proctologist standing by. DISPATCHER: What?

You heard me. The best one you can find.

I'm with The Evening Star. Can you tell me what happened?

No, and you can quote me.

Well, it looks like some sort of mob tactic.

There it is, boys. She broke the case.

Come on, get these rubbernecks out of here.

-Let's go. WOMAN: Wait, there's no--

MAN: Officer, please-- WOMAN: Can you tell us, sir, please?

Hey, Stan. Stan, Stan. Where were you last night?

The girls and I were looking all over for you.

Did you happen to look outside in the gutter?

Hey, did you check the morning paper?

Your girlfriend got a great review.

Ipkiss, you're 40 minutes late. Now, that's the same as stealing.

I'm sorry, Mr. Dickey. It'll never happen again.

I've been a jerk.

Well, if you weren't busy ogling girlie pictures...

...you might actually get some work done around here.

Uh-- Sir, she's a prospective client of Stanley's.

Oh, really?

Well.

The next time she comes in, you be sure to send her to my office.

Ho-ho.

You betcha.

[SIGHS]

Gee, I wish my daddy owned a bank.

Then I could be a rich little creep too. Heh-heh.

You think she'll ever come back, Charlie?

Oh, man, forget her.

Stanley, listen to me.

A girl like that is always looking for the BBD:

The bigger, better deal.

You don't know that, Charlie. She's an artist.

She's-- She's sensitive.

Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear out your heart...

...put it in a blender and hit "frappé."

You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down-to-earth...

...somebody with some integrity, somebody with--

Red hair and full pouting lips...

...a white blouse, a green jacket and a name tag.

Boy, you really narrowed it down.

[WHISPERING] Too bad she's already taken.

[NORMAL VOICE] Hello there. May I be of some assistance?

Stanley lpkiss?

Oh, hi.

I'm Peggy Brandt from The Tribune.

Oh, hi.

Look, I canceled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from--

Oh, no. Actually, I just wanna ask you a few questions.

Really? About what?

Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you?

Me? No. I don't even have a car.

You know, because they pollute.

You don't own an '89 Civic?

Oh, that car, yeah. Mm-hm. Uh--

Yeah.

It's all coming back to me.

Miss-- What'd you say your name was?

Peggy Brandt.

Wait a minute. Peggy Brandt?

Of "Ask Peggy"?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, that's right.

You printed one of my letters last year.

Remember? "Nice guys finish last."

-You're Mr. Nice Guy? -Yes.

Oh, Stanley.

Do you realize how much mail we got about that letter?

There are literally hundreds of women out there looking for a guy just like you.

-Really? -Yeah.

Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town?

Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.

Ah-ha.

So why are you covering this story?

Because "Dear Peggy" pays dick. I'm starving to death.

I'm looking to become a real reporter.

Look, Stanley, when you were at Ripley Auto...

...did you see anything suspicious? Anything at all?

I won't make trouble for you. I just want the truth.

God, I wish I knew the truth, you know? I really do.

[SIGHS]

No.

Well, if you think of anything, this is my number.

This is my, you know, personal number.

You really think women are looking for a guy like me?

Sure.

I'm one of them.

I mean-- Heh. Bye.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: One hundred twenty yards.

Hello, Dorian.

Thanks for dropping by.

Yeah, well, next time why don't you call, all right?

Leave the delivery boys at home.

[GRUNTING]

[NIKO LAUGHING]

[PANTING]

[COCKS GUN]

Aah.

The cops tried to shut the club down this morning.

They say you've been using the place to run your own small-time scams.

I hear things like that, I start losing my concentration.

And my game...

...it goes straight to hell.

You could too.

Aah!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Two hundred five yards.

I'm fed up with you, Dorian.

But I'm going to cut you a break.

One week to get out of town.

After that...

...I'll use your empty little skull to break in my new nine-iron-.

[MOANING]

Mr. lpkiss. Hi.

Hi.

You Okay?

Your car, sir.

I am now.

[MUTTERING]

Tina, come on.

We can't. We can't.

[DOG WHINING]

Aah!

Milo.

Go on.

[SIGHS]

I don't believe it.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Stupid.

She would never--

No way.

[MASK CLATTERING]

[SIGHS]

[YELLS]

[BARKING, THUNDER CRASHING]

[WHIMPERING]

Hold on, sugar. Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight.

Ha-ha-ha!

[HUMMING]

[GRUNTING]

Ooh!

Somebody stop me.

Uh-oh.

Can't make the scene if you don't have the green.

I better make a little stop.

MAN [OVER PHONE]: How's it going, Freeze?

It's looking good here, my man.

Okay, you boys are on your own now.

I gotta get downstairs and make sure I'm seen.

Do it. The doctor is about to operate.

[DRILLING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Sorry, fellas. Waste not, want not.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

CQDS!

[GUNSHOTS]

I have a reservation. Come on, dude.

You're not on the list, you're not in the club.

[FAN FARE PLAYING]

CROWD: Ohhh...

How do?

[CHUCKLING, CHATTERING]

Uh...

Are you on the list?

No, but I believe my friends are.

Perhaps you know them.

Franklin, Grant and Jackson.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Okay, that's it, n0b0dy's getting in!

[APPLAUSE, CHATTER]

MAN". And now we present to you...

...the most beautiful flower of the Coco Bongo...

...Miss Tina Carlyle.

[MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Beautiful.

[SINGING "GEE BABY, AIN'T I GOOD TO YOU"]

YOo!

[HEART BEATING LOUDLY]

What the hell are you doing here?

We got trouble. You'd better come upstairs.

Come on, let's go.

[THE MASK LAUGHING]

[HOWLING]

[APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLING]

[OBJECTS SHATTERING]

[LOUD THUD]

Let's rock this joint.

[BAND PLAYING "HEY PACHUCO"]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

[BAND SINGING]

Smoking.

Oh. Man, what happened?

Somebody hit the joint before we could.

Here, Doc.

Here you go, buddy. Suck on that.

[EXHALES]

Son of a bitch!

Eddy, who did this, man? Who?

Him.

Him. That's-- That's the guy.

DORIAN: That guy dancing with Tina?

He's dead meat. Come on.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ah!

[TINA SCREAMING]

[YAWN S]

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

I want this place cleared right now.

[SNICKERING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

-Hello. -Club's closed. Move it-.

You think I'm joking? Come on. Move it.

Party's over. Everyone, let's go.

Tina, get out of here.

EDDY: Come on. Party's over.

DORIAN: Get lost. EDDY: Go.

Okay, twinkle toes.

I wanna know where my money is and I wanna know right now.

Okay.

You've got 17.5 percent in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year.

Eight percent in stocks.

Carry the nine, divide by the gross national product.

Fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible.

Ice this deadbeat.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Whoa!

Shoot him.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Hi-hi-hi-hi.

[MIMICS ELVIS] Thank you very much.

H00. Hah.

Ah. Oh.

[VOICE BREAKING] You got me, partner.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Hold me close, Red.

It's getting dark.

[COUGHING]

Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out.

[GROANS]

Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas.

[COUGHING]

[IN DEEP VOICE] Tell Scarlett I do give a damn.

[COUGHS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY, FARTS]

Pardon me.

[SOBBING]

[APPLAUSE]

[VOICE BREAKING] Thank you.

You love me. You really love me.

[LAUGHS]

You're not going anywhere.

[GUNSHOTS]

[WHOOPING]

Drop it, Tyrell!

Hey, Kellaway.

Drop it.

All right.

So you got a warrant this time, or you just stop by for a nightcap?

What I got is probable cause.

Your boys were spotted knocking over City Bank.

Easy, you're giving me a woody here.

And one of them was wearing a big green mask.

You know, for once, Kellaway, you're right.

Except it wasn't one of my boys.

Maybe if you tried a little actual police work--

-Cuff him. COP: Hey, lieutenant.

We got a stiff upstairs. It's one of the guys from the heist.

Better call that high-priced lawyer of yours, Tyrell.

You and I are going downtown for a little chat.

Get him out of here.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Ipkiss.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

KELLAWAY: lpkiss, I know you're in there.

[DOG BARKS, GROWLS]

KELLAWAY: Police.

Oh, my__

KELLAWAY: Open up. -Oh, my God.

[PANTING]

KELLAWAY: lpkiss, I know you're in there.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[BARKING]

Open up. Come on, I'm getting blisters on my fingers.

Hey, Milo, no, no.

[DOG GROWLING]

No, no, no. Stop it.

I'm coming. Okay, I'm coming. I'll be right there.

[DOG BARKING]

-Let's go, lpkiss. Move it. STANLEY: All right.

[UNLOCKING]

Hi, lieutenant.

Listen, this isn't the best time right now. I just--

Won't you come in'?

Where were you last night, lpkiss?

Here mostly. ls something wrong?

What do you know about this Mask character?

-Mask? -Don't insult my intelligence, lpkiss.

He robs the bank you work in and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.

There can't be two idiots with pajamas like these.

Milo, no!

May I see those pajamas, Mr. lpkiss?

Those pajamas? Those pajamas were...

[DOG SCRATCHING, WHINING]

...stolen.

Somebody stole your pajamas?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[DOG PANTING]

I mean, what is--? What is this city coming to...

...when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe?

DOYLE: Wow, look at that guy. Nobody's that fast at my bank.

KELLAWAY: I'll say.

I don't know, boss, that's one hell of a rubber mask.

What do the reports say?

We got fingerprints on some of the currency...

...but nothing matches Tyrell's men. Looks like this guy beat them to the punch.

Get the bank employee files and run the prints on a guy named lpkiss.

Stanley lpkiss.

-Ah. You figure it was an inside job? -Right.

All I need is a couple of prints to lock this wack job up till doomsday.

DORIAN: Fifty grand.

Fifty grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a bitch...

...before the cops do.

I want you to get the word out...

...to every street hustler, to every lowlife in this town.

You understand? I want him here tomorrow, alive.

You're still here? Come on, let's go!

-What are you looking at? -You.

[CHUCKLING] You're losing it, Dorian.

Oh, no. I'm not losing anything. Except maybe some extra baggage around here.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know, you weren't putting up much of a fight with that freak show last night...

...when he tried to kiss you.

Did it look like I had much of a choice?

Maybe you did...

[SLAPS TABLE]

...maybe you didn't. Heh. Who knows, right?

[SIGHS]

I'll tell you one thing.

It's gonna be payback for anybody who crosses me.

[CHATTERING]

Ipkiss.

We have a crisis on our hands here, and you stroll in over an hour late?

If I have to put up with your behavior--

Back off, monkey boy, before I tell your daddy you're running this place...

...like it's your own personal piggy bank.

Or maybe we should call the IRS...

...and see if we can arrange a little vacation for you at Club Fed!

That'll be all, lpkiss.

[EXHALES]

Genius. That was genius. Buddy, I have chills.

God. What side of whose bed did you wake up on, man?

I'm not sure.

I haven't exactly been myself lately.

Well, you don't look real fabulous, Stan.

Really? Do I look bad?

Ah. Not to worry. This will put the color back in your cheeks, my friend.

Two tickets to the charity ball at the Coco Bongo Club this Saturday night.

Anybody who's anybody will be there.

Wanna be my date?

I don't know, Charlie, I--

Wait just a minute.

-Tina, what are you doing here? -I just wanted to thank you...

...but I'm not sure if I'm gonna have much to open an account with anymore.

Well, what about the club? I thought you were doing great.

Look, it's not your problem. I'll be okay.

Tina, come here.

You didn't stop by just to see me, did you?

[SIGHS]

It's okay, tell me.

-The guy they say robbed this place-- -The Mask?

I think he was at the club last night.

Really? They say he's pretty...

...weird-looking.

Yeah, but you ought to see him dance.

So did anyone find out who he is?

Why, are you interested?

Just curious, I guess.

Well, I better be going.

Thanks for everything, Stanley.

You'd like to see him again, wouldn't you?

I, um, wouldn't mind.

I know him, you know.

You do?

We're old college buddies, him and me.

[EXHALES]

It's funny you should mention the way he dances because...

...| taught him a couple of dance moves myself.

Do you think you could have him meet me tonight?

I might be able to work something out.

-How about at Landfill Park? -Okay. Sunset?

-Perfect. -Super.

Thanks, Stanley. You really are a nice guy.

This is an interesting piece, Mr. lpkiss.

Looks like fourth- or fifth-century Scandinavian.

Possibly a representation of one of the Norse night gods.

Maybe Loki.

Loki?

Who's Loki?

The Norse god of mischief.

Supposedly, he caused so much trouble...

...that Odin banished him from Valhalla forever.

Then he could've banished him into that mask.

I'm talking about mythology, Mr. lpkiss. This is a piece of wood.

But your book.

My book is about masks as metaphor, Mr. lpkiss.

A metaphor. Not to be taken literally. You're suffering from mild delusion.

Oh.

All right.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

But I am not responsible for the consequences.

Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Mr. Expert.

You don't scare me, Mr. lpkiss. Go right ahead.

See you.

[GROWLS]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[WHINING]

Okay. You said Loki was a night god. Maybe it only works at night.

Mr. lpkiss, I feel I should warn you...

...that I don't work personally with really sick people.

There are private institutions for things like that.

However, if you would like me to arrange for a safe environment for you tonight...

...| can do that.

No.

I've gotta see Tina.

But what do I do? I mean, do I go as myself or the Mask?

If I tell you, you promise to leave my office right now?

Mm-hm.

All right.

Mr. lpkiss, go as yourself and as the Mask...

...because they are both one and the same beautiful person.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Got the cross-check on the fingerprints.

It's Ipkiss, all right.

I'm looking at him. Just keep the SWAT team standing by.

If this guy's half as bad as he's supposed to be, we're gonna have a full dance card.

DOYLE: Do you have the relish? -Doyle, get in the car.

-But I ordered onion rings. -Doyle.

[SNIFFLES]

[SIGHS]

No, no.

Stanley, what are you doing here?

Tina, hi. Uh...

I just wanted to come by and make sure that you two got together all right.

That's nice. You know, I hardly ever stop by here.

It's kind of hard to believe it was just a garbage heap.

Yeah, it's-- It's--

It's really beautiful right around sunset.

The methane emissions really pick up the colors.

Wow. All those pinks and greens.

Uh...

My friend will be along here any minute. I better go.

Stanley, wait. Stanley. Stanley.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[GASPS]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Hello, che'rie. We meet again.

Is it fate? Is it meant to be?

Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize?

I'd like to think so. Ha-ha-ha.

Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant.

I will spread your pété. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise.

-Uhn! -Whoa!

[IN CARTOON VOICE] She is so coy.

[IN TOUGH-GUY VOICE] I love it.

[STUTTERING LIKE PORKY PIG]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Our love is like a red, red rose...

...and I am a little thorny.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Je t'ad0re, je te window, I don't care.

[THE MASK LAUGHING]

This is Kellaway. I need backup, and I need it now.

Cigarette? No?

Now, like Napoleon, I will divide and conquer.

[GUN COCKS]

Ipkiss, police.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

KELLAWAY: Freeze!

Put your hands up.

[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH] But you told me to freeze.

All right, all right, unfreeze.

You're under arrest.

No, it wasn't me. It was the one-armed man.

All right, I confess.

I did it, you hear? And I'm glad. Glad, I tell you.

[VOICE BREAKING] What are they gonna do to me, sarge?

[SOBBING] What are they gonna do?

Sorry, son, that's not my department.

Search him.

Ow!

Where's a camcorder when you need one?

[SNORTING]

Well, looks like it's gonna be a long night.

-My wife's gonna kill me. -What is it?

Cops got your pal lpkiss staked out at Landfill Park.

Let me cover it. I really need this story. And then you can go home to Claire.

Oh, I don't know, Peggy. Ramsey said--

Wo-oh! I will take care of Ramsey. Thanks a million. I owe you one.

DOYLE: Really big sunglasses.

Bike horn.

-Small-mouth bass. THE MASK: Wow.

DOYLE: Bowling pin.

Ah-ah-ah. Aah!

-Mousetrap. COP: Rubber chicken.

Little to the left. That's it.

-I don't know. COP: Funny eyeball glasses.

I've never seen those before in my life.

-Bazooka. -I have a permit for that.

-Picture of Ke||away's wife. -What?

Uh-oh.

Margaret! You son of a bitch.

Jeez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all, you married her.

[SCREAMS]

That's gotta hurt.

Get him.

Doyle.

[GUNSHOTS, BULLETS PINGING]

[GUNS COCKING]

[SCREAMS]

It's all over, lpkiss.

Put your hands over your head, or we'll open fire.

[SNEERS]

Hit it.

[LIGHTS THUDDING]

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING "CUBAN PETE"]

[SINGING]

[ALL SINGING]

-Not bad. -Shut up and help me down.

All right.

Wow!

You start dancing, I'll blow your brains out.

[SCATTING]

Give me that thing!

See you.

There he is. Let's get him. Snap out of it.

Come on, this dance is over. Let's go. Follow me, officer.

[SCREAMS]

[KISSES SOUNDLY]

[SCREAMS]

He's down the alley. Follow me. Come on, grab your gun.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[SCREAMING, THUNDER CRASHING]

[PANTING]

PEGGY: Stanley!

[HORN HONKING]

Stanley, get in.

KELLAWAY: There he is.

Halt or I'll shoot.

[GUNSHOTS]

Shoot! Shoot!

PEGGY: Seat belts.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SIGHS]

I missed him.

Come on. We all missed him.

PEGGY: I saw it.

I saw everything.

What's happening to you, Stanley?

It's crazy.

[SIGHS]

I'm losing control.

When I put that mask on, I can do anything.

Be anything.

But it's wrecking my life.

My life is wrecked. Wrecked.

Wrecked.

Look, I don't know what's happening to you, Stanley.

But I do know this.

That letter that you sent my column.

That was from a guy with more guts...

...and more heart...

...than any of the creeps that I've met in this city.

Whatever that mask is...

...you don't need it.

You...

...Stanley lpkiss...

...are already all you'll ever need to be.

Gosh, Peg.

Do you really mean that?

Actually, no.

What?

[GATE THUDS]

What took you guys so long? I've been vamping here for 20 minutes.

-Is this him? -You got the 50 thou?

Give her the money.

Right.

When he puts on the mask, he turns into that green thing.

PeQQY -

What are you doing?

Sorry, Stanley. You really are a great guy, I just can't lose my condo.

You know how hard it is to find an apartment in this city.

Huh.

You said you wouldn't hurt him.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

I lied.

Stanley!

What--? Hey. Hey!

[YELLING]

Tell me, how does this mask work?

I don't know. You just...

...put it on.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Boss.

You'd better be careful, huh?

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[DORIAN GRUNTING]

[EXHALES]

[IN DEEP VOICE] What a rush.

Oh.

Wow, boss.

You Okay?

Better than ever, you idiot.

What do we do with lpkiss?

The police are looking for the Mask.

So we'll give them the Mask.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[EDDY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[STANLEY GRUNTING]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Money better be here, lpkiss.

Or you can lpkiss your ass goodbye.

[WHIMPERS]

Hey, Orlando.

[GROWLING SOFTLY]

[WHIMPERING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[WHINING]

[STANLEY GRUNTING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

ORLANDO: Get over.

[BARKS]

I still can't believe it.

Hardened cops dancing in the street and broadcast all over the 11 :00 news.

The SWAT team got an offer to open in Vegas.

I'm history. The captain's gonna have my badge for breakfast...

...with a little pension on top.

Come on, Lieutenant, it's not all your fault. Something will turn up.

Sure, Stanley lpkiss is gonna fall right into my lap.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[THUGS LAUGHING]

KELLAWAY: Get up. Get him off. -Come on.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Aah!

Ipkiss.

[NORMAL VOICE] Wait. I can explain everything.

Oh, yeah? You can explain everything?

Explain this.

Um... Get him up. Come on, let's go. I got a cell for you, pal.

[KEYS JINGLING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

[DOG BARKING]

Milo.

[VOICE BREAKING] You better forget about me, buddy.

Find yourself a new place to live.

Looks like I'm gonna be in here for a long, long time.

[WHINING]

COP: Hey, you, with the face.

You got a visitor.

Tina.

Hello, Stanley.

-What are you doing here? -Is it true?

You're the Mask.

Yeah, but don't tell anybody.

If I get a good lawyer and strike up a deal, I can be out of here in about 10,000 years.

You're taking a chance coming here. Your boyfriend might be a little upset.

He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible.

Like what? The lambada?

Stanley, this is serious. There's gotta be a way to stop him.

How does it work?

I don't know.

It's like...

It's like it brings your innermost desires to life.

If deep down inside, you're...

...a little repressed and a hopeless romantic...

...you become some sort of a love-crazy wild man.

And if you're somebody like Dorian?

Then we're all in big trouble.

And if I were you, I'd get out of town. Fast

Thanks.

-For what? -Lots of things.

For sharing a sunset with me.

For being the only guy who treated me like a person...

...and not some sort of party favor.

For being any kind of romantic.

Even a hopeless one.

[SIGHS]

You're welcome.

You know that night at the club'?

I knew I'd found someone special.

-The Mask. -No.

It was the guy inside the mask. It was you all along.

You. Stanley lpkiss.

COP: Okay, lady, time's up.

Could I have just one more minute?

I've gotta disappear for a while now, Stanley.

I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I'll let you know as soon as I can.

[KEYS JINGLING, DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

TINA: Aah!

[TINA SCREAMING]

TINA: Somebody help me!

STANLEY: Oh, no. No!

Guard. Guard.

Guard! There's a woman being chased through the alleyway there.

Come on, she needs help.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Keep it down, lpkiss.

Come on. Serve and protect, man.

Milo.

Milo?

[WHINING]

Milo, good boy. Come on, come on.

Jump up. Come on. Can you jump up?

Remember how I taught you not to jump up on people? Forget that.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Get up here. Get up here.

Get up. Get up here. That's it. You can do it.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Milo, put some effort into it.

[PANTING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[COCKS GUN]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Baby, there you are.

I was beginning to get all worried about you.

-You have a nice talk with the cops? -I went to see what lpkiss told them.

Oh, that's right, you and Stanley, right? You two are getting awfully close.

Maybe it was you who helped him with the bank job.

-That's ridiculous. -Oh, is it?

Look what I found in her car.

Heh.

You planning a trip without me, baby?

-No, Dorian. -No?

Boys, I want you...

...to pick her out something pretty to wear, okay?

Because we're gonna go to a party tonight.

We're gonna have one hell of a time.

-Yes. -Yes.

Get out of my sight.

Jump up. Get up. Come on.

[WHINES]

Come on, Milo, jump, please.

Do it for Daddy.

[BARKS]

That's it. Oh.

Come here. I can't believe it. I can't believe you did that.

Oh, good boy. Good boy.

Good boy. Okay.

See that man over there? He's got keys.

[SNORING]

Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get them.

Go get the keys. Go get them.

That's it. Yeah. Okay, get the ke--

Oh.

No, not the cheese, the keys.

Put the cheese down...

...and get the keys. Go on.

Over there. Over there.

[WHINES]

[SNORING]

Shh.

Yeah.

Come on. Come here. Good boy.

That's a good boy. Good boy, yes.

Oh, give it, give it. Give me the keys. Give me the keys. Come on. Come on.

Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.

It's sundown. It's almost time.

Oh.

I wouldn't do that, darling.

Wouldn't want to start the celebration early, would you?

[SNORING]

[GRUNTS]

[BARKS]

Milo.

BOTH: Aah! -Hold it! I am warning you...

...|'m seriously stressed out here.

-Easy, lpkiss. -Come on.

Now, don't be an idiot. You're in the middle of a police station.

There is no way you're walking out of here like this.

You know, you're right.

-You're absolutely right. -What the hell are you doing?

You're gonna take me out as your prisoner.

Put it on. Put it on!

Ow. Come on.

-I'm really very sorry about this. -I'm sure.

Milo.

Got the wrong guy, I tell you. It's a bum rap. I got my rights.

Hey, lieutenant. Where are you taking lpkiss?

Ix-nay. E_hay.s 0t g ' a}! a 0w! n um gay'

Oh, I get it. Pig Latin, right?

Ee-say ou-yay ate r-lay.

[BARKS]

Come on.

[ENGINE REVS]

Why don't you just sit back and relax, okay?

I've gotta change for the party.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

MAN: No more bets, please.

-I need a pack of cigarettes. -Which brand, sir?

It doesn't matter. I don't smoke. But for you, I would shoot the Surgeon General.

REPORTER: Mayor Tilton, may we have a word with you?

Well, I always have time for the press and my loyal constituents.

[LAUGHS]

[EXPLOSION]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[HORN HONKS]

Let me out of these cuffs, lpkiss. You're driving like a maniac.

I'm sorry, we're late for the ball.

Right, Alice and the White Rabbit are gonna be really disappointed.

Now you're being cynical.

Who the hell are you?

I'm just an ex-employee who's come for his back pay.

Or should I say payback?

Dorian?

[TINA GRUNTS]

Kill him.

[GUNFIRE STOPS]

Come on.

[GUN CLICKS]

[SUCKING]

[SCREAMS]

[DORIAN LAUGHING]

Ladies and gentlemen, I will be your host for the remainder of the evening.

[DOG WHINING]

Ipkiss, get your dog away from me.

I'm sorry, he seems to be attracted to you.

Wait a minute, where is everybody? Something's not kosher here.

-Exactly. -Watch it.

I'm sorry. Okay, I'm gonna have to lock you in.

-Use the radio. -What?

You know, call for backup or something.

Milo.

This could be dangerous. You stay here and be a good boy.

Daddy's gonna to have to go kick some ass.

[DOG GROWLS THEN WHINES]

He's a dead man.

-Down. Get down. MAN 1: Go.

MAN 2: Come on, I ain't got all day. MAN 3: Move it.

MAN 4: Hey, line up over here. -Take it easy. I got the point.

MAN 5: Come on. MAN 6: Move.

[PUNCH LANDS, GOON GROANS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

BIOW it.

[GUNSHOTS, SCREAMS CONTINUE]

TINA: Bastard. Aah!

What's the matter, darling?

This is your big production number.

And you know, it's important to go out with a big bang.

Charlie.

What are you doing here?

Look, take this gun. Start sneaking people out the back.

Right.

MAN: You, step back. -You don't you know who you're talking to.

MAN: I'm talking to a dead man if you don't step back.

WOMAN: Don't you have respect for law and order? What kind of thug are you, huh?

EDDY: It's all set, Dorian.

Excellent.

This party's over...

...in 10 minutes.

[BEEPING]

This is the moment of truth.

When a man shows what he's really made of.

[GUN COCKS]

-Crap. ORLANDO: Drop it, lpkiss.

Aah.

[WHINING]

Smart dog.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, boss, look who decided to crash the party.

Hi, Dorian. How's it going?

-Bring him up here. -Dorian. Dorian, wait, no.

Ahhh. There's no time for last requests.

But all I wanted was a kiss.

A kiss?

Just one last kiss.

Dorian, I can't shut this thing off.

There's always time...

...for one last kiss.

No!

From the real Dorian.

The one I used to love.

Nobody ever kissed me like Dorian Tyrell.

Romeo, this whole place is gonna blow in a couple of minutes.

Just wait!

I've decided...

[THUNDER CRASHING]

...to give her one last thrill.

Get it.

[ORLANDO YELLS]

[ORLANDO GRUNTS]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[WHINES]

Run, Milo!

ORLANDO: I got him-- Aah!

Stanley, hurry!

Don't worry, Tina. It's all over now.

[GRUNTS]

Stanley.

[WHIMPERING]

[DOG BARKS]

Got you.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Aah!

STANLEY: Aah! Yah!

I'm gonna take you apart.

Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one frigging eye.

[GROANS]

[YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[WHIMPERS]

Good doggy. Shh.

Good doggy-

[GROWLS MIGHTILY]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[PANTING]

I'm winning.

[GROANS]

[TIMER BEEPING]

TINA: Stanley.

[LAUGHING]

TINA: Stanley!

[SCREAMING]

[JINGLING]

Yes.

[SCREAMS]

Get off me. Aah!

Milo.

Oh, my God. This has gotta to be a new breed.

Oh, easy, boy.

Good boy.

[BARKS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[TIMER BEEPING]

Did you miss me?

I guess not.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GUNS RELOADING]

[MIMICS CLINT EASTWOOD] Now, you have to ask yourself...

...one question: Do I feel lucky?

Well?

Do you, punks?

[GUNS COCKING]

[LAUGHING]

Stanley!

[BEEPING]

Ah.

Ahh.

[MUFFLED EXPLOSION]

[WHEEZES]

[BELCHES LOUDLY]

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] That's a spicy meatball.

How do?

[BARKS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

This guy's incorrigible.

[SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING]

[SCREAMING]

[WHINING]

You were good, kid, real good.

But as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see?

[BARKING, THUNDER CRASHING]

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

COP 1: Police! Hands up!

COP 2: Hold it right there. COP 3: Get them up!

-Officers, arrest those men. COP 4: Drop it. Get down on the ground.

I've always wanted to say that.

[COPS YELLING]

Come on.

COP 5: Drop it. -Give me that gun.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

They stole my jewelry. You take me down to headquarters, and |'||--

KELLAWAY: Stop that man. lpkiss.

I've got you now, lpkiss. Watch it, chunky.

Mayor Tilton, I'm so--

-What the hell's wrong with you, Kellaway? -That man is the Mask.

No, Dorian Tyrell was the Mask. I saw it with my own eyes.

-This young man here just saved our lives. -With a little help from his friends.

-Oh, you're a real hero. KELLAWAY: Doyle.

Well, it's nothing...

...any American with balls of steel wouldn't do for his community.

Milo, come on.

Hey, wait, that dog.

-Mayor Tilton, did you see that dog? -Leave the dog alone.

I wanna see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning.

-Yes, Your Honor. -Boy, that doesn't sound good at all.

No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you?

-Breakfast. -Shut up.

[LOVE SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[RADIO TURNS OFF]

You sure you know what you're doing, buddy?

I'm sure.

Then do what you gotta do.

Sure you're not gonna miss this guy?

When he's gone, all that's left is me.

[WHINES]

[DOG WHINES]

Milo.

[AS THE MASK] Smoking.